“Expectations” after rehab???
Hi Ladies (and perhaps a Gentleman or two!). Hope all is well, as always.
Short story... had an ex who was an addict... if you're really interested, you can probably find some pretty pathetic posts pre-February 2007 from me regarding the same! Broke it off when the legal trouble started on his part... one thing I know I can't handle. Began dating another guy... he was completely "socially acceptable", shall I say, but our relationship had the passion of a footrest... eventually ended up seeing ex-ABF after breaking it off with Mr. Socially Acceptable... which led to dancing with ex-ABF (we are at a concert, so that wasn't as strange as it sounds)...which of course led to admitting undying-and-perpetual-love for ex-ABF... conveniently about a year and a half after I broke it off and a month before he went to court-ordered rehab for said legal troubles for 90-plus days.
Court-ordered rehab is more than halfway through... I believe... and now of course my brain is starting to ramble. Say what you will (really, it's fine :0) but I think this is it for him and the drugs. I really do. But as a result of the drugs... of course life issues arise. I've been living on my own since I was 15... and I suppose his plan is to move in with his parents when he gets back (at almost 28 years old)... no job to speak of... parents and family have plenty of financial support and always have (don't get me started on that!) so I doubt he's ever sat down and paid bills in his life, at least for all of his own expenses... so here's what I'm faced with.
Despite the fact that I've been doing quite well with the "no expectations" thing in the present, I have a "list"... I know, bad sign. But I still do. It is a list of things he would have to do before I would want to start a life with him... most recently brought to a head by the idea of marriage, which he's presented ever since we "reconnected" (we were together for over three years, so it's not insane if not for the fact that he is currently semi-incarcerated!).
So here's the list...
1. He needs to get a job. Being part of his family is not a job, IMO. :)
2. He needs to get his own place and take care of it... that includes paying bills, keeping it clean, not causing it to light on fire... etc.
3. He needs to be responsible for his stuff and take care of it... vehicle, health insurance, generaly "Big Boy" stuff.
That's really all I've got. But I know it's not appropriate for me to demand these "expectations" from him.. trouble is, I'm not sure that changing the phrasing... i.e., "I won't accept a relationship with a person who lives with his 'rents" really changes the meaning of any of it. Should I just sit down with him and have one conversation about it? My mom's been sober for four years, and this is what she suggested. She said to get out my expectations, not hide them - but of course, she's an "interested party".
I wish I could talk to my old sponsor about this, but she's actually the one who hooked me up with Mr. Socially Acceptable, so it's all weird with us. I literally don't have the time to make the ONE Alanon meeting within 100 miles of us because of a work commitment that night I can't get out of, either.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Short story... had an ex who was an addict... if you're really interested, you can probably find some pretty pathetic posts pre-February 2007 from me regarding the same! Broke it off when the legal trouble started on his part... one thing I know I can't handle. Began dating another guy... he was completely "socially acceptable", shall I say, but our relationship had the passion of a footrest... eventually ended up seeing ex-ABF after breaking it off with Mr. Socially Acceptable... which led to dancing with ex-ABF (we are at a concert, so that wasn't as strange as it sounds)...which of course led to admitting undying-and-perpetual-love for ex-ABF... conveniently about a year and a half after I broke it off and a month before he went to court-ordered rehab for said legal troubles for 90-plus days.
Court-ordered rehab is more than halfway through... I believe... and now of course my brain is starting to ramble. Say what you will (really, it's fine :0) but I think this is it for him and the drugs. I really do. But as a result of the drugs... of course life issues arise. I've been living on my own since I was 15... and I suppose his plan is to move in with his parents when he gets back (at almost 28 years old)... no job to speak of... parents and family have plenty of financial support and always have (don't get me started on that!) so I doubt he's ever sat down and paid bills in his life, at least for all of his own expenses... so here's what I'm faced with.
Despite the fact that I've been doing quite well with the "no expectations" thing in the present, I have a "list"... I know, bad sign. But I still do. It is a list of things he would have to do before I would want to start a life with him... most recently brought to a head by the idea of marriage, which he's presented ever since we "reconnected" (we were together for over three years, so it's not insane if not for the fact that he is currently semi-incarcerated!).
So here's the list...
1. He needs to get a job. Being part of his family is not a job, IMO. :)
2. He needs to get his own place and take care of it... that includes paying bills, keeping it clean, not causing it to light on fire... etc.
3. He needs to be responsible for his stuff and take care of it... vehicle, health insurance, generaly "Big Boy" stuff.
That's really all I've got. But I know it's not appropriate for me to demand these "expectations" from him.. trouble is, I'm not sure that changing the phrasing... i.e., "I won't accept a relationship with a person who lives with his 'rents" really changes the meaning of any of it. Should I just sit down with him and have one conversation about it? My mom's been sober for four years, and this is what she suggested. She said to get out my expectations, not hide them - but of course, she's an "interested party".
I wish I could talk to my old sponsor about this, but she's actually the one who hooked me up with Mr. Socially Acceptable, so it's all weird with us. I literally don't have the time to make the ONE Alanon meeting within 100 miles of us because of a work commitment that night I can't get out of, either.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
