Archive for the ‘Women In Recovery’ Category
Our Mothers
I guess with an anniversary just past and the holidays coming up my mother has been on my mind quite a bit.
We never had an easy relationship. She was a bit eccentric, very talented and so intelligent. I will probably never know why she was the way she was, but I do forgive her and have a lot of sorrow she wasn't able to get help.
Last night was chilly so I was digging out the winter duvet from the top shelf of the closet and came across a shawl Mom crocheted for me probably 40 years ago. It was very dusty so I gave it a wash and it came out beautifully! There was a bit of a shock that I noticed for the first time the pattern was that of hearts!
Maybe she never could say she loved me, maybe she couldn't hug me, maybe the best she could do was make me a shawl of hearts to wrap around my shoulders like a hug long after she was gone.
Love,
Lenina
We never had an easy relationship. She was a bit eccentric, very talented and so intelligent. I will probably never know why she was the way she was, but I do forgive her and have a lot of sorrow she wasn't able to get help.
Last night was chilly so I was digging out the winter duvet from the top shelf of the closet and came across a shawl Mom crocheted for me probably 40 years ago. It was very dusty so I gave it a wash and it came out beautifully! There was a bit of a shock that I noticed for the first time the pattern was that of hearts!
Maybe she never could say she loved me, maybe she couldn't hug me, maybe the best she could do was make me a shawl of hearts to wrap around my shoulders like a hug long after she was gone.
Love,
Lenina
Sometimes you just need to vomit it all out and you feel so much better
Girls,
My now ex (3 and a half months since we parted but relationship slowly died over a period of months prior) has been in rehab twice for heroin and is currently having a lot of "fun" with alcohol and cocaine. He may be doing other stuff now but not really being in contact with him I can't know.
You know what tho? I have spent so long talking about him that today I want to talk about me. I wanted to come here to do it as it is women only.
Over the weekend I really wanted to contact ex but fought with myself not to and succeeded. Although I still felt anxious I felt better because I knew if he had replied it would only have been because I contacted him and it would have opened up hope in my heart again to receive messages etc.
When I got in from work tonight I really felt the urge again to contact but refrained and instead read a lot of posts on here. Whilst I was reading them I asked myself why on earth I wanted to contact him? You know if my life was going really well or better that it currently is (not that it's not going well but you know I am still in a bit of limbo) I probably wouldn't think of contacting him....From that thought I suddenly thought something else too. If my life is not what I want and yet I go looking for him (whose life is clearly not going well at all) then in some way I must be sick too. You know it is awful but it suddenly dawned on me that I could somehow be using his addiction to mask taking care of my own back yard....... It is really easy to be upset with others and their misgivings isn't it because it stops us concentrating on our own.
Ok, this is going to ramble a little and probably veer from place to place but I kind of need to vomit verbally so forgive me but...
When I met him he was a very different man. In fact when I met him I had no idea of how bad/traumatic his past had been for him. I am talking abuse by another guy as a child, being homeless, turning tricks on the street etc before he seriously tried to kill himself but failed - after this he went into rehab for the first time. Anyway, back to now. When I met him I saw him as some kind of beacon of light, as that was what he was really, and in a way I idolised him and his purity/graciousness etc - he was everything I would have liked to be. You know I am a good person and I have a big heart but I know what my negative traits are when they surface: stubborness (pure ego), fiestyness (hate feeling that I am being told what to do - father very strict) righteousness (ego again right?) , spitefulness (defence mechanism), selfishness in wanting my own way and being impatient (hereditary lol - part of me i dislike the most) too.
When he was in recovery (when we first met) I can tell you he never showed any of these traits ever, or any negative trait. It was almost like living with an angel. He was always so optimistic, happy, loving, wise, patient, forgiving, compassionate, giving. God I used to look at him and thank God for having him in my life as I felt that although I am a good person just having him near me made me an even better person every day..... Sorry I just suddenly remembered how very, very special it was for a second.
When he told me tho about his huge drug use prior to becoming homeless (it was coke in the good days and then heroin in his homeless ones), and all the group sex he had whilst high, running drugs to prostitutes etc and then the turning tricks once he did end up on the street etc I tried to act like I was cool with it but it didn't really sit with me. I know it is really wrong to take people's past and bring it into the present and I didn't want to do that or pass any kind of judgement on that but for some reason I would find my mind becoming distracted by thoughts of this past life and it made me really uncomfortable. Now I kind of wish I had just enjoyed our time together when he was clean and ignored these thoughts cause in some way I feel like me thinking them changed some of my behaviours towards him and may have ended up contributing to him wanting to drink again (which of course led to drugs) in the first place if that makes sense.
Girls, I am an intelligent, attractive woman but to be honest I am probably a bit insecure about myself although I do tend to hide it quite well. But when I found out about all this you can imagine how that general, subtle insecurity started to grow a little bit I think. I am so ashamed but I started to feel insecure about one of my girlfriends, you know I kind of started to ....not to feel "threatened" by her cause she would never have done anything with him but I just felt in a way, I don't know, that I didn't really want her around when he was there with me. I kind of wanted him to myself - **** what a child. When we first met I remember I didn't really take to this girl, she just felt so domineering but then due to having to live with her I got know and like her a lot. We shared an amazing friendship. I did find her domineering, always wanting her own way (and getting it) and she would never say sorry for one thing but she was a very good friend to me and I was to her too. Just before we fell out I had kind of gotten to a point of being completely fed up with her and her lack of doing one single thing around the house. I suppose being in my new relationship made me less inclined to have to put up with her if you know what I mean. I kept asking nicely for her to help/contribute and she continued to nothing. Could this be why I started to feel envious of her do you think or am I fooling myself and would I have felt resentful anyway? And why the f*** did I feel envious of her? Long story short, I told her I was fed up after weeks of politely requesting to no avail for her to help me out round house and stuff and for once I didn't back down, as whenever we had moments in the past I would always make the "peace" move whether it had been me at fault or not. She eventually backed down to me and we became friends again but something had changed. I told her a short time afterwards I had felt some insecurity about her as well as being pissed off with her for her laziness and that I was really sorry for that but wanted to be completely honest with her and she....well understandably she was a bit distant for a while. I tried to stay in touch with her (as she moved away) but when I wrote I got back next to nothing. I wrote one day saying I was really sorry about the insecurity thing and had tried to explain that to her. I said I felt really embarrased by this and ashamed of this and had apologized but yet in our friendship I had never felt that she had ever been sorry, ever even when she had hurt my feelings. I wasn't having a go at her I was just saying that we all make mistakes and we all need to say sorry sometimes, but that like she never did - period. Well, basically she wrote back to me to tell me to f*** off. I have tried twice since to drop her a line but she doesn't want to know. I really miss her, especially now cause we used to be able to talk so much. I have thought about how I would have reacted to her and I can honestly say that I wouldn't have held her honesty against her and I would have forgiven her. I told my ex boy that although I had been v pissed off I had also started to feel insecure about this friend...I got to say many a woman has cause she was probably the most attractive, intelligent, travelled, and interesting person I ever met. Anyway I told my ex and he was like, that's ok, things die in the light of exposure, it's only when we keep them in the dark they grow. That was around the same time as he started to talk about drinking again.
Well, when he started drinking again and taking drugs again he started to say a lot of stuff that previously wouldn't have come out of his mouth and this just awoke in me some elevated state of insecurity as the thoughts of his past now went round my head constantly and the things he was saying and doing made me feel like it wouldn't be long before he was indulging in all the activities that went with them. I became so paranoid. I think a lot of my guilt stems not only from feeling I have abandoned him and can't be there for him but also for my unhealthy actions in the relationship. I constantly mistrusted him. It's true he kept lying about the drugs and I could see he was starting to lie to others so then I just started to think he was lying about everything. Now I am worried about his health as I think he is back deep in the grip of addiction but in the very beginning I was probably more concerned about him being faithful to me....God, that is shocking isn't it? (Please don't hold it against me!) I don't know but when he was sober we had this tranquil little life, it was simple but it was happy. I don't know why I am even saying all this stuff.
So, what am i trying to get at? I am thinking that if I had no part to play in this chaos then it would not have hurt so much to walk away because my conscious would have been clean and as much as it hurt and I worried I would have been able to see it for what it was and simply leave. I feel like it is about more than him and his addiction, I had an addiction too, I probably still have and I have issues too. If I had not had this relationship and all its pain I don't think I would ever have looked so deeply within myself. The awful part for me about breaking up with someone in addiction was that due to losing him I couldn't really discuss the issues/argue about the issues with him..usual break up stuff.
I started off having all the sympathy (and still have probably) for being the one who got rejected in favour of drugs but having all of that silence which you don't get in a traditional break-up gave me much time to see all things and all parts of this mess for what they were. I don't know if this makes sense to anyone else or whether this is just in regard to my circumstance.
You know what too? But did you find reverberations in other relationships after your split? A mutual friend a couple of weeks got really, really upset with me, like properly mad. He said some stuff which really hurt. We were working on something together but his comments didn't feel professional just hurtful. A few months ago his comments would probably have triggered me to get mad back at him but I simply asked him to stop and didn't bite back one bit. It really came from the blue and we haven't spoken about it since as we are not due to see each other again for a short while but it really affected me for about 3-4 days. Sounds ridiculous but it triggered off this kind of self-loathing in me. Is it normal to feel so sensitive?
Today I have written so f****** much I can't believe it .......but it has felt really healing. You see if I had written to him earlier I would not have done this but instead looked only to him and concentrated on him and therefore forgotten about the real work to be done.
I have heard about the steps and am really interested in doing them. I would never have said all this before to anyone, feeling fearful or ashamed of being a not perfect, not nice human being but it does feel liberating to get it out. Do you think if I went to the meetings I could get a sponsor and do this?]I still aspire to be like he was you know because he was so very inspiring to be around. I don't think I will ever forget any of the things he told me or taught me and most of it came from the 12 step programme.
Girls, can any of you relate to any of this? I hope you don't mind this as long as it is but by writing it I just feel like I got rid of a big, fat weight. I still think there are many to go and I probably won't release them here but I will keep letting them go. That is the one thing that he told me that stays with me about things dying in the light of exposure and growing in the dark.
I am becoming more and more grateful for this experience as I work my way out of it. On the let me fall poem it says however soiled our past may be our future is spotless and I try and tell myself that when I get my pangs of guilt for not having handled it as best I could/been truly there for him and myself.
I don't know what stage I am in now but I know I am getting better.
I'd love for some of you to share and really share tonight with me. To feel free to just vomit whatever it is that you feel you can't/shouldn't/are too ashamed to so you can feel as free as I do right now.
Have the king of sleeps tonight, I know I am going to. I am so glad this is anonymous lol
xxxx
My now ex (3 and a half months since we parted but relationship slowly died over a period of months prior) has been in rehab twice for heroin and is currently having a lot of "fun" with alcohol and cocaine. He may be doing other stuff now but not really being in contact with him I can't know.
You know what tho? I have spent so long talking about him that today I want to talk about me. I wanted to come here to do it as it is women only.
Over the weekend I really wanted to contact ex but fought with myself not to and succeeded. Although I still felt anxious I felt better because I knew if he had replied it would only have been because I contacted him and it would have opened up hope in my heart again to receive messages etc.
When I got in from work tonight I really felt the urge again to contact but refrained and instead read a lot of posts on here. Whilst I was reading them I asked myself why on earth I wanted to contact him? You know if my life was going really well or better that it currently is (not that it's not going well but you know I am still in a bit of limbo) I probably wouldn't think of contacting him....From that thought I suddenly thought something else too. If my life is not what I want and yet I go looking for him (whose life is clearly not going well at all) then in some way I must be sick too. You know it is awful but it suddenly dawned on me that I could somehow be using his addiction to mask taking care of my own back yard....... It is really easy to be upset with others and their misgivings isn't it because it stops us concentrating on our own.
Ok, this is going to ramble a little and probably veer from place to place but I kind of need to vomit verbally so forgive me but...
When I met him he was a very different man. In fact when I met him I had no idea of how bad/traumatic his past had been for him. I am talking abuse by another guy as a child, being homeless, turning tricks on the street etc before he seriously tried to kill himself but failed - after this he went into rehab for the first time. Anyway, back to now. When I met him I saw him as some kind of beacon of light, as that was what he was really, and in a way I idolised him and his purity/graciousness etc - he was everything I would have liked to be. You know I am a good person and I have a big heart but I know what my negative traits are when they surface: stubborness (pure ego), fiestyness (hate feeling that I am being told what to do - father very strict) righteousness (ego again right?) , spitefulness (defence mechanism), selfishness in wanting my own way and being impatient (hereditary lol - part of me i dislike the most) too.
When he was in recovery (when we first met) I can tell you he never showed any of these traits ever, or any negative trait. It was almost like living with an angel. He was always so optimistic, happy, loving, wise, patient, forgiving, compassionate, giving. God I used to look at him and thank God for having him in my life as I felt that although I am a good person just having him near me made me an even better person every day..... Sorry I just suddenly remembered how very, very special it was for a second.
When he told me tho about his huge drug use prior to becoming homeless (it was coke in the good days and then heroin in his homeless ones), and all the group sex he had whilst high, running drugs to prostitutes etc and then the turning tricks once he did end up on the street etc I tried to act like I was cool with it but it didn't really sit with me. I know it is really wrong to take people's past and bring it into the present and I didn't want to do that or pass any kind of judgement on that but for some reason I would find my mind becoming distracted by thoughts of this past life and it made me really uncomfortable. Now I kind of wish I had just enjoyed our time together when he was clean and ignored these thoughts cause in some way I feel like me thinking them changed some of my behaviours towards him and may have ended up contributing to him wanting to drink again (which of course led to drugs) in the first place if that makes sense.
Girls, I am an intelligent, attractive woman but to be honest I am probably a bit insecure about myself although I do tend to hide it quite well. But when I found out about all this you can imagine how that general, subtle insecurity started to grow a little bit I think. I am so ashamed but I started to feel insecure about one of my girlfriends, you know I kind of started to ....not to feel "threatened" by her cause she would never have done anything with him but I just felt in a way, I don't know, that I didn't really want her around when he was there with me. I kind of wanted him to myself - **** what a child. When we first met I remember I didn't really take to this girl, she just felt so domineering but then due to having to live with her I got know and like her a lot. We shared an amazing friendship. I did find her domineering, always wanting her own way (and getting it) and she would never say sorry for one thing but she was a very good friend to me and I was to her too. Just before we fell out I had kind of gotten to a point of being completely fed up with her and her lack of doing one single thing around the house. I suppose being in my new relationship made me less inclined to have to put up with her if you know what I mean. I kept asking nicely for her to help/contribute and she continued to nothing. Could this be why I started to feel envious of her do you think or am I fooling myself and would I have felt resentful anyway? And why the f*** did I feel envious of her? Long story short, I told her I was fed up after weeks of politely requesting to no avail for her to help me out round house and stuff and for once I didn't back down, as whenever we had moments in the past I would always make the "peace" move whether it had been me at fault or not. She eventually backed down to me and we became friends again but something had changed. I told her a short time afterwards I had felt some insecurity about her as well as being pissed off with her for her laziness and that I was really sorry for that but wanted to be completely honest with her and she....well understandably she was a bit distant for a while. I tried to stay in touch with her (as she moved away) but when I wrote I got back next to nothing. I wrote one day saying I was really sorry about the insecurity thing and had tried to explain that to her. I said I felt really embarrased by this and ashamed of this and had apologized but yet in our friendship I had never felt that she had ever been sorry, ever even when she had hurt my feelings. I wasn't having a go at her I was just saying that we all make mistakes and we all need to say sorry sometimes, but that like she never did - period. Well, basically she wrote back to me to tell me to f*** off. I have tried twice since to drop her a line but she doesn't want to know. I really miss her, especially now cause we used to be able to talk so much. I have thought about how I would have reacted to her and I can honestly say that I wouldn't have held her honesty against her and I would have forgiven her. I told my ex boy that although I had been v pissed off I had also started to feel insecure about this friend...I got to say many a woman has cause she was probably the most attractive, intelligent, travelled, and interesting person I ever met. Anyway I told my ex and he was like, that's ok, things die in the light of exposure, it's only when we keep them in the dark they grow. That was around the same time as he started to talk about drinking again.
Well, when he started drinking again and taking drugs again he started to say a lot of stuff that previously wouldn't have come out of his mouth and this just awoke in me some elevated state of insecurity as the thoughts of his past now went round my head constantly and the things he was saying and doing made me feel like it wouldn't be long before he was indulging in all the activities that went with them. I became so paranoid. I think a lot of my guilt stems not only from feeling I have abandoned him and can't be there for him but also for my unhealthy actions in the relationship. I constantly mistrusted him. It's true he kept lying about the drugs and I could see he was starting to lie to others so then I just started to think he was lying about everything. Now I am worried about his health as I think he is back deep in the grip of addiction but in the very beginning I was probably more concerned about him being faithful to me....God, that is shocking isn't it? (Please don't hold it against me!) I don't know but when he was sober we had this tranquil little life, it was simple but it was happy. I don't know why I am even saying all this stuff.
So, what am i trying to get at? I am thinking that if I had no part to play in this chaos then it would not have hurt so much to walk away because my conscious would have been clean and as much as it hurt and I worried I would have been able to see it for what it was and simply leave. I feel like it is about more than him and his addiction, I had an addiction too, I probably still have and I have issues too. If I had not had this relationship and all its pain I don't think I would ever have looked so deeply within myself. The awful part for me about breaking up with someone in addiction was that due to losing him I couldn't really discuss the issues/argue about the issues with him..usual break up stuff.
I started off having all the sympathy (and still have probably) for being the one who got rejected in favour of drugs but having all of that silence which you don't get in a traditional break-up gave me much time to see all things and all parts of this mess for what they were. I don't know if this makes sense to anyone else or whether this is just in regard to my circumstance.
You know what too? But did you find reverberations in other relationships after your split? A mutual friend a couple of weeks got really, really upset with me, like properly mad. He said some stuff which really hurt. We were working on something together but his comments didn't feel professional just hurtful. A few months ago his comments would probably have triggered me to get mad back at him but I simply asked him to stop and didn't bite back one bit. It really came from the blue and we haven't spoken about it since as we are not due to see each other again for a short while but it really affected me for about 3-4 days. Sounds ridiculous but it triggered off this kind of self-loathing in me. Is it normal to feel so sensitive?
Today I have written so f****** much I can't believe it .......but it has felt really healing. You see if I had written to him earlier I would not have done this but instead looked only to him and concentrated on him and therefore forgotten about the real work to be done.
I have heard about the steps and am really interested in doing them. I would never have said all this before to anyone, feeling fearful or ashamed of being a not perfect, not nice human being but it does feel liberating to get it out. Do you think if I went to the meetings I could get a sponsor and do this?]I still aspire to be like he was you know because he was so very inspiring to be around. I don't think I will ever forget any of the things he told me or taught me and most of it came from the 12 step programme.
Girls, can any of you relate to any of this? I hope you don't mind this as long as it is but by writing it I just feel like I got rid of a big, fat weight. I still think there are many to go and I probably won't release them here but I will keep letting them go. That is the one thing that he told me that stays with me about things dying in the light of exposure and growing in the dark.
I am becoming more and more grateful for this experience as I work my way out of it. On the let me fall poem it says however soiled our past may be our future is spotless and I try and tell myself that when I get my pangs of guilt for not having handled it as best I could/been truly there for him and myself.
I don't know what stage I am in now but I know I am getting better.
I'd love for some of you to share and really share tonight with me. To feel free to just vomit whatever it is that you feel you can't/shouldn't/are too ashamed to so you can feel as free as I do right now.
Have the king of sleeps tonight, I know I am going to. I am so glad this is anonymous lol
xxxx
A good day, in spite of it all
I'm kind of proud of myself. I took the GRE today, and I feel like I did pretty well. I scored right about average for natural science majors in the Quantitative section and way above average in the Verbal section. The Analytical Writing score has to actually be read by someone so of course I didn't get that score back yet.
And, just as importantly, I stayed sober for a couple of days just to prepare for it. When I have a reason not to drink it's really not that hard. Today my reason is that I'm sick as a dog and anything I might drink would just come right back up anyway. That made taking the exam fun. Haha... they won't let you cancel if you're sick. Or, technically you can cancel but they keep your $140 testing fee, so I decided to just go and hope I didn't vomit in the middle of it. Kinda feel bad for the other 4 people in the room though: they're sure to be sick in a day or two.
So, my life is slowly getting in order. Took grad school entrance exams and I've been working-- slowly-- on my homework tonight. And I'm not drinking. I paid off the last bit on a loan today, as well. Life is good today. I'm about to hunt down some Tylenol PM before I go to sleep though. Everything hurts. Blah.
And, just as importantly, I stayed sober for a couple of days just to prepare for it. When I have a reason not to drink it's really not that hard. Today my reason is that I'm sick as a dog and anything I might drink would just come right back up anyway. That made taking the exam fun. Haha... they won't let you cancel if you're sick. Or, technically you can cancel but they keep your $140 testing fee, so I decided to just go and hope I didn't vomit in the middle of it. Kinda feel bad for the other 4 people in the room though: they're sure to be sick in a day or two.
So, my life is slowly getting in order. Took grad school entrance exams and I've been working-- slowly-- on my homework tonight. And I'm not drinking. I paid off the last bit on a loan today, as well. Life is good today. I'm about to hunt down some Tylenol PM before I go to sleep though. Everything hurts. Blah.
movies…
I've been feeling nervous and blue... Anybody have any good movie recommendations for the sake of distraction? Preferably humor- they say laughter is good medicine...:thanks:
sober period
Hey, I'm new to this forum.
I've had alcohol issues for some years now. I always drink friday, saturday and sunday, pretty much binge drinking, going on from the point where I wake up, untill I fall asleep. Then I will usually have a day in the middle of the week where I drink as well.
I manage to get through what I have to do so far, when it comes to school and stuff (I'm 21). But of course it's becoming a problem, otherwise I wouldn't have written here.
Like the other day I was very hungover on a monday, so I thought, the only way to get me through the day would be to take a drink. (I had a bottle of whiskey). Only, I ended up drinking the entire bottle throughout the day. I was hungover for days after that.
It was not the first time something like that happened.
Of course nobody knows about this stuff, and I feel ashamed of it and always promise myself that it won't happen again, wich it does, sooner or later.
Like I said, I have realised that it's becoming a problem, it really messes up my life. I can't focus on school properly because I'm tired or hungover so much of the time. I allso have panic-attacks and they become worse when I drink.
I was thinking that I would have a long sober period now, to get myself back together. I haven't had anything to drink in almost a week now, wich is a lot to me.
Anyway, I have nobody to talk to about this, so I just wanted to vent.
I've had alcohol issues for some years now. I always drink friday, saturday and sunday, pretty much binge drinking, going on from the point where I wake up, untill I fall asleep. Then I will usually have a day in the middle of the week where I drink as well.
I manage to get through what I have to do so far, when it comes to school and stuff (I'm 21). But of course it's becoming a problem, otherwise I wouldn't have written here.
Like the other day I was very hungover on a monday, so I thought, the only way to get me through the day would be to take a drink. (I had a bottle of whiskey). Only, I ended up drinking the entire bottle throughout the day. I was hungover for days after that.
It was not the first time something like that happened.
Of course nobody knows about this stuff, and I feel ashamed of it and always promise myself that it won't happen again, wich it does, sooner or later.
Like I said, I have realised that it's becoming a problem, it really messes up my life. I can't focus on school properly because I'm tired or hungover so much of the time. I allso have panic-attacks and they become worse when I drink.
I was thinking that I would have a long sober period now, to get myself back together. I haven't had anything to drink in almost a week now, wich is a lot to me.
Anyway, I have nobody to talk to about this, so I just wanted to vent.
What are you all doing for Thanksgiving??? Odd stuff?????
Mind you this will be my first year, my first WHOLE year sober and doing Thanksgiving. Everyone I know drinks so I'm having to do something "different". I am planning on walking my butt across the street and help with the cooking AND the eating of Thanksgiving grub at the treatment center. Thank God I can always walk my even fatter butt back across the street to lay on the couch and watch TV Thanksgiving style. I'm kind of excited that I'll get to be there and at the same time I'LL BE A FREE BIRD!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOO HOO!!!!!!!!!!! :WE1Relaxing2:
Are any of you doing something different this year because of being sober? If so, what are you doin'? :eat:thanke
Are any of you doing something different this year because of being sober? If so, what are you doin'? :eat:thanke
Trying to recover and dealing with ANGRY Husband
Five days sober today. Was a busy day thank goodness. just got home a bit ago, husband is here, but he is so angry over my last drink episode that he wants me out, I am not leaving as I really have nowhere to go. He is ignoring me, being mean to me. He is a controlling man to begin with and now with his power he has he is putting me thru anything he can to hurt me. It is hard when I know that being a drunk is bout as bad as one can be, but I so wish he had a clue how hard it is to deal with and how no support is a killer. I think he might be trying to push me over the edge. I want to know if others husbands support their alcoholic wife or do they resent and hate them for not being able to just give it up and be normal just like that. Life can really be horrid at times. I have had to forgive for his lying, his cheating numerous times, abuse from his daughter, his treating me like his kid infront of his daughter. I could go on and on...I am getting on my knees every morning and night, praying to my higher power for help and strength and most of all, guidance. Just like to know how other women in same situation have it at home....would like to know how you handle it.
A little victory and a little defeat… oh what a Friday night it was.
So, I've posted on other threads that I've had problems saying no to this guy who seems to have this weird spell over me. Last night I went to a party with him. It was a good party, not too many people and I knew most of them so it wasn't too uncomfortable for me. Well, I ended up having a couple of drinks and that means today I'm back on day 1, but I don't feel half as crappy as I did on the last day 1. I'm a bit disappointed in myself, but also a a bit more determined to stay sober.
The victory was nice though. He wanted to buy some coke, and clearly expected me to pay for it. I didn't have my credit card anyway, so no hope of getting any cash for it. He told me to go home and get it. I told him if I left I wasn't coming back. He backed off for a while then on the drive home he started again, asking me to buy the drugs and he even called his source and started setting it up, but I made my "no" stick, I told him I wouldn't buy them and if he wanted to get drugs I would drop him at his place and he could figure it out himself. Well, that wouldn't work because his fiancee was at his apartment waiting for him and was under the impression he was at a meeting for a professional society we are in (as opposed to going to a party with me while she drove 120 miles to see him and babysat 3 little kids... honestly if the woman had any clue what was really going on, I like to think she'd dump his sorry butt.... but then I actually do know what's going on and seem unable or unwilling to keep him out of my life). I ignored his begging and took him home. I'm so proud of myself for saying no to him and for not doing drugs, as well. Because there's a little part of my brain that wanted the drugs.
The victory was nice though. He wanted to buy some coke, and clearly expected me to pay for it. I didn't have my credit card anyway, so no hope of getting any cash for it. He told me to go home and get it. I told him if I left I wasn't coming back. He backed off for a while then on the drive home he started again, asking me to buy the drugs and he even called his source and started setting it up, but I made my "no" stick, I told him I wouldn't buy them and if he wanted to get drugs I would drop him at his place and he could figure it out himself. Well, that wouldn't work because his fiancee was at his apartment waiting for him and was under the impression he was at a meeting for a professional society we are in (as opposed to going to a party with me while she drove 120 miles to see him and babysat 3 little kids... honestly if the woman had any clue what was really going on, I like to think she'd dump his sorry butt.... but then I actually do know what's going on and seem unable or unwilling to keep him out of my life). I ignored his begging and took him home. I'm so proud of myself for saying no to him and for not doing drugs, as well. Because there's a little part of my brain that wanted the drugs.
Request for your prayers
Hi everyone on this page.
I have 15 months sober and began my recovery nearly 2 years ago using this site. Some of you may remember me.
I have had a bad month and yesterday I had surgery to remove breast cancer and some lymph nodes. I will see on Thursday next week if I need chemotherapy.
I am feeling pretty scared and can't make it to meetings just now so I am looking for some support please.
Love in recovery,
Steph
I have 15 months sober and began my recovery nearly 2 years ago using this site. Some of you may remember me.
I have had a bad month and yesterday I had surgery to remove breast cancer and some lymph nodes. I will see on Thursday next week if I need chemotherapy.
I am feeling pretty scared and can't make it to meetings just now so I am looking for some support please.
Love in recovery,
Steph
Just recently discovered boyfriend’s sex addiction.
Hi - I have been looking so hard for a place for me here or anywhere else on the web, and finding few places to talk. I didn't yet find an "S-ANON" portion of this site, and there may not be one, but I need to post somewhere so people can read it and so I can feel like what's happening to me is real.
I had been with my boyfriend (J) for 6 years - lived with him for 2 (I am almost 26) We loved, and laughed and had a great time - not perfect, we had our kinks, but nothing out of the ordinary. I am a healthy woman, with healthy relationships - never abused, never neglected. I set boundaries and expectations in my life, I thought I was going to marry him, I felt LOVED. I trusted him entirely, there was no reason not to.
NO SIGNS, not even in retrospect, NOTHING. One day, BAM, I get an email from a girl who tells me things. I ask questions, he SLOWLY starts admitting to a sex addiction. Cyber sex, webcams, meetings with women for oral sex, dating, everything (he never admitted to penetration, or prostitutes or any 'deeply' sex addicted behaviours). That was the first and only sign.
I kicked him out. He is getting treatment, wants to get his life back together. But where do I go? I don't need to hear "time will heal your wounds", I just want to hear someone is listening. How do I handle this betrayal or love and trust and loyalty? How do I go about making DECISIONS about what to do next - okay, he's gone, but now what? Do I try and save this, do I move on? I just don't know...
Thanks for reading.
Liv
I had been with my boyfriend (J) for 6 years - lived with him for 2 (I am almost 26) We loved, and laughed and had a great time - not perfect, we had our kinks, but nothing out of the ordinary. I am a healthy woman, with healthy relationships - never abused, never neglected. I set boundaries and expectations in my life, I thought I was going to marry him, I felt LOVED. I trusted him entirely, there was no reason not to.
NO SIGNS, not even in retrospect, NOTHING. One day, BAM, I get an email from a girl who tells me things. I ask questions, he SLOWLY starts admitting to a sex addiction. Cyber sex, webcams, meetings with women for oral sex, dating, everything (he never admitted to penetration, or prostitutes or any 'deeply' sex addicted behaviours). That was the first and only sign.
I kicked him out. He is getting treatment, wants to get his life back together. But where do I go? I don't need to hear "time will heal your wounds", I just want to hear someone is listening. How do I handle this betrayal or love and trust and loyalty? How do I go about making DECISIONS about what to do next - okay, he's gone, but now what? Do I try and save this, do I move on? I just don't know...
Thanks for reading.
Liv
