Drug Rehab Options Blog

****Shhhhh****** don't tell Ann.....

I feel like such a mess lately. I need help. I need to go and GET that help (therapist, someone to talk to.) I've just been putting it off lately.

I had a bad morning. I have been sick the last few days and with full time school and having to take care of a toddler, it's difficult. My RAH gets home late from work (restaurant business,) and sleeps until noon, then gets up and goes to take a nap without even asking if I needed help, assistance, aid, a BREAK.

I have a fever of 101 (just a cold, but it still sucks,) and I just had it. I went downstairs where he had just fallen asleep and picked a fight with him. I know he's not using, I know it in my heart, but whenever I see him nap--it's a huge trigger for me. I am taken back to the days of when he would sleep off a binge and be unconscious for days at a time.

The spat was quick and ugly. I was very passive aggressive. I walked halfway up the stairs and told him to go back to sleep and just do all the drugs he wanted. I didn't care anymore. It really blindsided him.

I got upstairs, cried a lot while our child was napping. I was so tired, but couldn't take a nap myself because how could I get pissed at him for sleeping when *I* took a nap? How stupid is that?

He woke up. I apologized. I owned up to my stupidness. He forgave me.

I just feel out of control sometimes. I have so much anger still. I need to be more understanding, more caring, more loving, more empathic toward him. I'm not. I'm just a mean, bitchy person who has no control over her temper anymore. It's almost like I don't feel he's done enough penance for all the pain he's caused me, that it hasn't "Evened out" yet. It never will, that's the thing, and it's petty for me to feel that way. I know this.

Most days are good. Some are bad. I know what I need to do and I'm going to do it. I guess I just needed to vent a little (about myself.) Thank you for reading.

:wtf2

I look forward to them all week at work. Then when they get here. I am just so tired and lazy and depressed.
I dont feel like doing anything....I am bored and sick of just work and home all the time.
I feel bad for feeling like this. There are alot of people here going through some serious things right now and I am complaining that my life sucks.
Sorry guys.
Just feel sad for no reason.

I thought that I had better update myself, all has not been so good. My Mom passed away a week ago Sunday. She had not been feeling so well for a few weeks, had her to the Dr. and in emergency ward. She had a real pain in her tummy and was unable to keep food down.

She was so determined that she was not going to go into the hospital, but her pain got so bad we got her to go. They were running some test, ruling out this and that, but the stress on her body caused her to have a heart attact. We got a call from the hospital to come as she was not going to make it through the night. Myself, my 2 sisters, nieces and her best friend were all with her to the end.

My dad passed away 5 years ago and she never stopped missing him.
We had a Celebration of Life for her yesterday, this fellow that lives on a small Island near here raises Doves. He came to the Celebration yesterday with his doves and placed two of his doves in my and my sisters hands, read a beautiful poem about Love and Doves and then he released the doves he had in his cage and we released the ones we were holding. They all gathered together and circled around us for about 10 min and flew back home. We played the song "You are the Wind Beneath My Wings" as the doves were circling. Dad gave here a jewerly box that played that song.

But in my heart I know that Dad came to take her home.

I am going to miss her so much, she was so funny and she gave me strenght when I was so low.

Rose

Hi everyone. I am on day 3 since quitting drinking. I am in my early 20s and primarily binge drink 2-3 days a week with my friends. Nothing too disasterous ever happened. But enough social drama and stress came from my drinking habits that I have been "cutting back" for a while now. I thought for a while that going out and having 10 or so drinks a couple times a week was normal behavior for someone my age. But then I started waking up with classic withdrawal symptoms after drinking (like worse than the hangovers my friends experience). So I thought to myself that these symptoms indicate that my body is becoming addicted to alcohol.

I dont drink every day or in the morning or at work or anything, it was just the threat of addiction that made me realize I am probably in the early stages of alcoholism. I have done a lot of reading about this disease and dont want to get to any of the later stages. It terrifies me so I know I need to stop drinking altogether. Anyway...I am wondering if anyone has experience with quitting binge-drinking (like i described above). What should I expect physically, emotionally, psychologically? The last time I had alcohol was Friday night when I shared some wine with my friend. Yesterday I was anxious and had a headache but i felt okay after 24 hours. I feel fine today just a little tired. Any feedback on the first weeks/months of abstinence and what I can expect would be helpful. Thanks!

So after spending an evening scrambling to sell things on Ebay for bill money, begging my parents for money to pay my mortgage and feeling like a loser for saying "This is the last time" (yeah right, they might as well have said), thanking God for the holiday tomorrow--not because it's a holiday, but because utility companies are closed and they won't shut off my utilities--

I actually find myself feeling sorry for my AH who is out at a bar. I see this man who used to be handsome and sheepish and hysterically funny, who has turned into this bloated Elvis cliche lumbering around a bar trying to fit in. People laugh at him behind his back--and to his face--he sees this doesn't he? This man who used to literally carry me over puddles now calls me horrible names and steps over me and laughs when I cry. I no longer am in love with this man who I beg to go away forever and leave us in peace almost every morning after the drunken nights, who replies with a simple, "No." I am happier when he is out than when he is home, no longer care about where he goes or who he is with and only really care about his drinking because I experience the consequences of his choices. But I still feel sorry for him?

How can I feel sorry for a person who (I allow) treats me this way, knows his sons could be homeless if not for my parents and knows his wife, who would love to be relaxing and watching a movie, rather than hocking memories to strangers for money and eating peanut butter sandwiches every night so her sons can have meat and fish, while he goes to dinner and drinks with friends? Man oh man!

I guess the first step is recognizing this? Thanks for letting me vent.

I know I have a problem.
What scares me is that alcoholism is a progressive disease and I can see it progressing with me.
I drink like crazy on the weekends. I have gone from one bottle of wine a night to one double bottle a night. I black out sometimes. More and more it seems.
Ive been eyeing Vodka lately at the grocery store. I know that if I buy it im gone.
I could easily start drinking early morning everyday but I try my damndest to stick to weekends and only at night.
I could type so much more but im going to stop here.

Hi.

One of the many lies alcoholism tells me is that I must stay in an abusive relationship because this person is ‘the one’ if only they stopped drinking and/or behaving in ways I didn’t like.

I also based this idea on the amount of pain I experienced when I continually tried to end bad relationships, only to get back together to elevate the pain, i.e. I must really love this person or else I wouldn’t feel so bad.

The following is a description of a phase SLAA Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) call ‘withdrawal’. This information has been an extremely sobering reality check for me as it discusses in detail what withdrawal is and what one may expect when ending what can only be described as an addictive relationship.

As I said, I thought feeling so bad was because this person was 'the one' it never occured to me that maybe there was something in me that was triggered when a relationship ended.

Having been through this phase (withdrawal) at the end of 2007, I can testify to the fact that this phase has been true for me and upon reflection I can also see how I went through it, in the past, when other relationships have ended.

Withdrawal excerpted © 1995 S.L.A.A.

What is Withdrawal?
A primary and critical step in beginning recovery from sex and love addiction is identifying our Bottom Line behaviors - those activities from which we must refrain in order to attain physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual wholeness. For guidance, we turn to our sponsor, our Higher Power, and other members of S.L.A.A.

A change in our behavior - stopping the addictive pattern - one day at a time, marks the beginning of abstinence from compulsive and destructive acting out. The physical, mental, emotional, and often spiritual upheaval which generally accompanies the release of our addictive pattern is called withdrawal.

Whether our craving is for sex, romance, or relationships, whether this craving is constant or periodic, not satisfying such a craving often comes as a shock to our system.

Abstinence from acting out is initially followed by a period of withdrawal. The word withdrawal typically conjures up an image of substance abusers dependent upon their "drug of choice" to alter moods and/or escape from the present moment. Like drugs, sex and love addiction can become all - consuming pushing us toward greater and greater risk to our physical health, our emotional well-being, our sanity ... our very life itself.

Times of withdrawal can be uncomfortable for many of us. Our bodies go through unexpected physical changes; our emotions hit highs and lows we never imagined possible. We feel, perhaps for the first time ever, the void which we have sought to fill with our addiction(s).

The Experience of Withdrawal
Abstinence from acting out on bottom line behaviors opens us to the vulnerability we have desperately sought to avoid. This vulnerability is experienced differently by each of us.

The resulting withdrawal is sometimes recognized first by its symptoms:
• a craving to act out
• inexplicable aches and pains
• physical illness or exhaustion
• switch to a new addiction(s)
• changes in eating or sleeping patterns
• general self doubt
• desperation and fear
• suicidal thoughts
• desire to isolate
• obsessive thinking
• sadness, depression, or despair
• dreams of acting out
• emotional highs and lows
• irritability, anger, or rage
• preoccupation with fantasy
• confusion or trouble concentrating
• questioning of our interest in S.L.A.A. or recovery
If we aren't acting out, then what are we to do?

Sometimes, we just breathe. It may be all we can do, for the moment. Reciting the Serenity prayer has helped many of us pass that critical moment when we are tempted by our addiction. A phone call to a sponsor or other program member can help, as can reading an S.L.A.A. pamphlet, or Chapter Five of the basic text, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, where the experience of withdrawal is discussed in depth. Reflecting on the Twelve Steps can help us bring the focus back to the solution, instead of being stuck in the problem.

We found that the most healing antidote to the gnawing pain of our struggles and doubts was to turn over any questions concerning the outcome of our withdrawal to God, or to whatever Power we felt was helping us to abstain from our old patterns.

We might be thinking, "No Way! ... It's not worth it!" But the truth is, it is worth it. You are worth it. And you are not alone.

is an ongoing struggle. I seem to get through the day alright but night time is difficult. The cravings are sooooo intense. I keep telling myself that I have no physical cravings since detoxing and that it is all mental and to not drink no matter ******* what! I take Extra Strength Benedryl every night and it really seems to ease the cravings but damn!

Another strong point for me is that the first drink that I take I would consider a $9,000 drink since that is what I paid for the medical detox and I am quite sure that it would not be a one time deal.

Physically I feel great. No more shakes, no more puking, healthy appetite, clear eyes, no more smell, no more hangovers, no more falling down and hurting myself, more patience with my daughter, a willingness to step out of my isolation and actually talk with people, I can write with a pencil again, anxiety levels much lower, normal blood pressure, no more chest pains, no more stomach pains, no more diarrhea, etc. etc. etc. All of these benefits that are right under my nose and yet the mental battle continues to wage war on me.

I knew this would be the hardest part but I sure hope that it gets easier soon.

Now and then i get insecure. I get ashamed. I get hurt. Words can bring me down. I get delirious.....i have alot of tenacity.....trying so hard to feel that emptiness........to find that special darkness. I get up.....get ready to face this world......i come down so hard i hit the ground. In a pool of pi$$ i lay.
And i get so mad, so &^*%#$@ mad to lose that special darkness.
Words can bring you down. Don't you bring me down today.
I am beautiful.