Drug Rehab Options Blog

hello my friends,

Been busy lately, as you may guess! Let me update you of the past few months, since Mia's birth on 15th May.
As some of you know, Mia's dad is on probation for 18 months and needs to do one year in rehab. Considering i was pregnant, he was allowed to wait after i gave birth to start rehab.
We were a "normal" family for one month, where we enjoyed every moment of it. Of course there was always Rain's addiction, the fear for his life and all the disappointment addiction brings. But i am still grateful we could have this one month where he could bond with our daughter, and he was a wonderful lovng daddy.
End of June he went to rehab and Mia & I went to France for one month holidays and showing off. I think Mia is quite lucky: at one month + she already took the plane/train/bus/subway/ferry and already saw Hong Kong/Paris/France's country side + South of France!!
And it was SOOO great to be able to escape and do all that. My family and friends were of course delighted to see my little angel :)
One month later we came back to HK and went to visit Rain. We are allowed one visit per month and it's only supervised visitation, for now... It was really frustrating to see him but not being able to talk or hug freely :(
On top of that, we are only allowed to communicate by mail and Rain (who is in his "angry with the world phase") said "what's the point i write you a letter since they will read it and so i can only write bulls***"
Sooo i haven't had any news from him since last visit 3 weeks ago and i start to be really upset and sad. Anyway, i guess he is not in the mood but still, i feel communication is the key to relationship and if no news i feel we are drifting apart.
We'll visit him next WE so i guess i'll tell him how i feel.
So, some days are easier than others. Sometimes i feel really frustrated with the whole situation and lonely, some other times i feel great with my baby who is absolutely perfect!
I post some pics below.
We'll keep posted and think of you all.

xoxo
Carine

Hello,
Been along time since i posted. I am now going on 7 months clean and am still working the steps. Had a horrible argument with a family member today, almost resulting in fisticuffs. I might have been in the wrong,(I got mad and said some things I should not have said), but this person had alot of resentments way before I got sober. No matter what, no matter how hard I am trying to get things right, it's never enough and I will be just a f... up in their eyes. As more time elapses I seem to be getting away from the spirituality I had in the beginning of recovery (weird!) At this time, life still is pretty screwed up, living with parent's, cannot find a job, financially doing crappy, no significant other, and seem to snap easily at certain situations. I know it could be worse and I do not want to go back out... but jeez, talk about a slow process. I don't what I am saying. just that things are not going right, and I thought I would have had more going for me at this time....I think I am having a pity party for myself... thanks for reading.

I am new in recovery in every aspect. I decided to get sober(in a drug court. Didn't have a choice at first. Got put into a jail program and it opened my eyes!!) And the beginning was easy. Only one problem, really, my boyfriend whom I live with and who supports me, decided to stay using. I am having a very hard time. I have relapsed twice due to eeping myself in this situation. I tried saying me or the dope, at first he just lied. Then i realized he wasn't gonna quit. So i tried just ignoring it. I tried so hard. But he gets what he wants reguardless so he'd push me into arguing so i would just leave, he'd be popular for a moment, then he wanted me back. So I went back, Tons of promises, continued sneaking around, lying more, hanging with same losers, it just sucks. But I can't seem to leave him behind. We have been together for almost 2 years. We met about 2 yrs ago through a friend and his wife of 27yrs had just died. He was so lost. I fell right into it. He owns his own company and i used 2 work 4 him. I have no car or home, he has 2 homes and 3 cars. I fell in love with the idea he really loved me back. anyways, i am tired. I know what I need to do. Just need to hear it, maybe make some friends,too, if i'm lucky.

I feel like the biggest hypocrite right now. All those positive posts I have posted. I still feel that way. But I am not going to pretend like everything is working like clock work either.
But tonight I am feeling urges. Not to get high. Not even for the drug. The freakin atmosphere of chaos.
OMG..Thats what drives me crazy when I am over there high. I am thinking what people are doing.
I put minutes on my phone today for the first time in 2 months. It should be safe by now. But I was going through my text messages and found a number. I deleted every single number in my phone 2 months ago. I didnt think to look in the texts. Now I am wanting to call this person and see whats going on. Just in general.
I have gotten rid of the number. And I dont know this one by heart. I only know 2 and I have no reason to call those numbers.

I dont know. I guess I am bored tonight. While everyone else is out at the club and having friends over like my cousins are doing. I am sitting home all by myself.
Nothing on tv. bored with the computer. My whole mood just flipped fast.
I'd play nintendo but that thing pi$$es me off.
Found out my brother..not real brother but he might as well be is in prison again. His mug looks really bad. He lives in NC and I only know where he is when he does get locked up. He is a crack addict too.

Just one of those days I guess. It will be better tomorrow.
Just feeling down and needed to vent.

I really hate how I feel like I am missing out on something over there. I am not missing anything except a bunch of crazy BS.
:wtf2

I’m trying to stay strong. Slipped up a little this am. I haven’t seen my g/f since Wed (the night she said was just going to be “one time”). That turned into Thursday too, Friday she didn’t make it to work. Told me later that night that she was “sick”, and then proceeded to tell me that she visited a sick uncle and chauffeured a cousin around who had no car all day! Couldn’t have been that sick I guess…. I told her since I hadn’t heard from her all day (Friday) I had made other plans for the evening. She said “well I can still come over right”. I said sure, it’d be nice to have you there when I get back, then we could do a morning bike ride. She said “see you later”. Course she never came over.

I gave a courtesy text this AM that I would be leaving to ride in a bit. This is where it gets hard and I feel confused like I am not sure about my actions. She replied that she would not be able to make it because her mother needed her help. Her mom had no car (because she lent it to her son knowing my g/f would be there for her because she always relies on that. BTW, my g/f just turned 30, got her own place and still stays at my or her moms place pretty much all the time).

Her texts – “I’m stuck, wish I were with you. Not sure how to leave my mom. Sorry u r important to me I miss u”. “I’m scared, why can’t I just leave. Because I am weak, afraid. Trying to share with you.” “I am uncomfortable but stay..why am I not strong?”.

Sounds genuine enough, but it Is the same thing I have heard for a year or more. Her family has no boundaries at all. Last week my g/f was crying to me and upset that her mom choose not to even make it to her B-Day dinner. (In fact we picked up her brother from the house and her Mom and sister didn't even come out or aknowledge we were there).She said she wasted years trying to get them to care about her when all they did was use her. She beat herself up for an hour about her life choices. Now she drops everything for them. Her mom needed help because she gave her son her car! If I say get her a cab, it's "too expensive". Always an excuse. Meanwhile she has been there every night since Wed. Additionally I pointed out to her that if my g/f lived in another state, I am sure her mom would find a way to get things done.

There is always some “emergency” or “need” to be there for Mom. Broken car, lost purse, brother quit his job, she feels lonely, etc, etc. Though her 3 other siblings seem to be able to not run to her all the time.

This AM I admittedly got a little pissed with her on the phone. I was upset that she says she want to be with me, then chooses other things and states she has no choice. No one is twisting her arm (at least not physically) it is her choice. I told her so, and she said I just "didn’t understand". She said “you’re mad at me”. I said I wasn’t mad at her, that I was pissed at her mom for using her like that. That it made me upset that a mother would sacrifice a dtr’s happiness just to satisfy her own selfish needs. Of course my g/f has to let that happen so I guess it’s not the moms fault. In the end I apologized and said I have no right to say any of that and it is her life and she can do as she pleases.

Later that afternoon I called. She said she was still “helping her mom” and they still needed to go shopping. This is nearly 5 hours after our AM call (I guess things move really slowly when your just sitting around and smoking weed…). I told her that it was her choice but that clearly her family obligations were too much for her to be able to be in a relationship. Maybe I should just see her after the weekend. “No, that’s not what I want”. I told her if she really wanted to see me she would just tell her mom “look I have an hour more to help you, than I need to go”. Her response, “you don’t understand”. I told her that this relationship was really not meeting my needs any longer. It has been the same thing for 6 months or more. She said she wanted to see me and would come over soon. A few hours later I got a text “sorry I am missing out. I am still helping my mom. This is not easy for me, I miss you”. 2 1/2 hours later I finally texted her back “nothing has changed. I am missing out on a relationship. Please do not come over tonight or tomorrow. I am not interested in seeing you”. Out of the last 51 days I have seen her 18 of them. This is after 3 + years of dating!

This is a tangled mess of addiction, co-dependant relationships, and girl with low self-esteem. So I ask you. Do I “not understand?” Am I being unreasonable? I feel guilty now :c029:.

Major vent alert.....How I wished I paid attention to the red flags of my XAH addiction issues 20 years ago because not only am I paying a price but so are my precious children. He sees absolutely nothing wrong with leaving them unattended at night so he can be with his friends or just ditching them while doing all kinds of fun things for himself like golfing, sporting events, parties while doing little with his kids. Scorecard: Fun for him 30...fun for kids 3.

Somehow in his sick mind he justifies it while I get the fun of dealing with hurting,abandoned, rage-filled kids and then he plays the mind games with them such as "I was only golfing with my boss" or "I'm not spending any money going to that pro-ball game cause I'm riding with friends." Right now the kids sincerely buy his line of bull.

I come from a home were both parents were A's, mom died of a stroke when I was a young teen and she was a recently recovered card-carrying member of AA at the time of her death. I've blocked out most memories of her and don't remember the sober mom. Dad, after her death, spiraled into a self-absorbed wonderland of ladies, pot, and drinking.

I raised myself and denied things were as bad as they were. I was so isolated I could have been an island and learned quickly to avoid the topic of "girl with a dead mom" as no one that age wants to even think about that possibility.

I know those issues are triggering my problems of today. My lovely XAH has lots of fun pushing those old abandonment buttons and now that I am out of the way and not rescuing his relationship with the kids it is very apparent to me just how sick of an A he really is. He however goes on quacking and blaming me acting like barely seeing his kids is in the kids' best interest, and somehow when the youngest has trouble with him it is all my fault because I talk to them about how dad is an A and he is sick. I tell them his behavior has nothing to do witht them etc...

And I hurt to the core of my being and have such trouble accepting that this is my kids' reality. I want to fight it tooth and nail. His abandonment of them equals rage in me and I need to figure out how to stop that unhealthy (for me and the kids) process.

The kids' counselor wants them to see him separately because of problems with rage filled tantrums with the youngest and hours long crying sessions after the visits with me. This strategy was helping her feel special with dad but he "forgets" to arrange the visits and then acts like he never heard of it before. Tells me the counselor is nuts and what if he got a counselor and that one disagreed......... quack, quack, quack. I tell him to hire his own counselor or take me to court ( and I want to say you %$#%$@#$!!!! )

I hurt for my children because I know what this is like. I tell you it was easier for me to have a dead mom than be abandoned by my very alive dad.

Right now I'm teetering over the cliff of falling into my obseesion again and so it helps to get it out how mad I am at me and at HIM. I am really MAD AT HIM --- HOW DARE HE DO THIS TO OUR KIDS.

I kind of feel better but I think I need a good cry. Thanks for listening.

My local news radio runs a constant ad for help with addiction problems.
Celebrity Rehab, The Interventionist and now the Closer on A/E.....


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