Drug Rehab Options Blog

I'm sure many of you have heard of the band 3 Doors Down--they are an alt rock band. Anyway, on their new CD there is this song "Let me be myself" It is probably a song about a relationship, but as soon as I listened to the lyrics I realized this could totally be a song about addiction and my doc. I know for myself I used so that I would feel good, feel better about myself. At this point I don't know who I am because I've been drugged for so long. Read the lyrics below and just imagine the subject as your drug of choice--I know you'll see what I mean when you read it. If you like the words I suggest you look it up on Itunes or another site. It's a slow beautiful song as well. Enjoy

I guess I just got lost being someone else. I tried to kill the pain, but nothing ever helped. I left myself behind, somewhere along the way, hoping to come back around to find myself someday.

Lately I'm so tired of waiting for you to say that it's okay. Tell me please would you one time let me be myself so I can shine with my own light. Let me be myself.

Would you let me be myself?

'Cause I'll never find my heart behind someone else. I'll never see the light of day living in this cell. It's time to make my way into the world I knew. And then take back all of these times that I gave in to you.

Lately I'm so tired of waiting for you to say that it's okay. Tell me please, would you let me be myself so I can shine with my own light. Let me be myself.

For awhile if you don't mind, let me be myself so I can shine with my own light. Let me be myself. That's all I ever want from this world is to let me be me.

So Im new to all of this, but glad I found this place. My boyfriend had two months sober after a month in rehab and he just relapsed big time. He is in jail for a DUI, driving on a suspended license, and attempting to run from the cops. He wont really know what penalties he's looking at till next Wednesday. I am just sick over this. Ive been crying on and off for the past two days since it happened. We are madly in love and even just celebrated our 1 year anniversary a week ago today. He's been in Phoenix for his recovery and Im in San Diego, but we've been making it work and the future was looking brighter and brighter with each passing day of sobriety. Now I just feel crushed, broken. I love him more than anything and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. But this is all just sooo heavy! Im going to start going to al-anon meetings, but other than I just feel so lost and confused. Is true love worth all this bs or should I just walk away and be heartbroken, with hopes of finding this kind of love again? Wheeww, this is hard. Any Advice???

I have lived (or suffered with) depression for years, diagnosed and started treatment in 2001 but had it for years before that. I've been on a number of anti-depressants but after 6 months they always seemed to fail me. A few years ago I started seeing a new doc who told me I was bipolar II--I said yea, right--I wish I was then I'd have the manic episodes and actually get some stuff done during the day! She started me on a different antidepressant and lamictal. Over the last two years she has changed the anti-depressant several times and kept wanting to add different meds, but I think I was in denial. I have a lot of education in the mental health field, and I really didn't believe I was bipolar.

Anyway, currently I'm on effexor 150mg daily, lamictal 200mg daily, abilify 2mg daily. I'm also dual-diagnosis--bipolar and substance abuse. I recently (this month) went through detox for opiate abuse. For the last year at least I know that my symptoms and frequent depressive episodes were caused by my pill use, so I know that I wasn't appropriately being treated--it was my fault. This week I started seeing a different psychiatrist, and he said I should in no way be on an anti-depressant and he couldn't believe I had been on one in so long. Also, because of the wt gain with abilify, he wants to take me off that as well and start me on Geodon. Is anyone here on Geodon? Has anyone been on abilify and prefer one over the other? The research I've done shows that lamictal is a good drug, so I'm going to stay on that. Unfortunately we can't change my meds around right now because we have to get me stable from the pill use/withdrawal. Any advice or suggestions greatly appreciated. Thanks!

Because of some posts I have encountered with a certain individual, I am picking myself up and leaving the group. I want to thank you so much for your help and wish you all the best. I am becoming so very angry and do not like the person I can be when I am angry. I feel this is God's will to put myself in real physical meetings, and not just online. For those of you who wish to stay in contact, please message me and I will exchange emails.

God Bless,

Sharon

A couple of months ago, I asked for people to pray for my ABF. I truly want to thank everyone for their prayers....they DO seem to be WORKING. He told me that he has hit rock bottom, and has been attempting to straighten out his life. He has slowed down his drinking ALOT....I know A's have to completely quit, but I'm seeing this as a positive, at least he is realizing & admitting that his drinking is a problem. Just seeing the change in him has increased my faith in God tremendously.

He has a legal issue that needs dealt with. A DUI from 2004 which he has been running from. He is finally wanting to confront this issue, and we consulted an attorney etc. The problem now is coming up with the legal fees....about $2000....(not counting fines)....ugh. It looks impossible right now, coming up with this $$. But I know with God ALL things are possible.

He could get a public defender, I know......but the situation is super complicated, and REALLY requires a qualified DUI attorney.

Please send out some prayers again on his behalf.....that he continues to realize & come to terms with his life, and that he is somehow able to hire a suitable attorney & put his past legal issue to rest.

THANK YOU ALL!!

Led my first alanon meeting tonight!

What I realized as I sat listening to others share about the topic I picked, was that I am making progress!!! Now, people have told me I was, and I kind of knew it, but tonight I really could see it.

Not sure how, but the extreme anger I felt for a long time is not there. It feels good to not be mad or resentful so much.

I am getting better at letting go -- which feels great -- you know, not trying to do everything and fix everything -- that controlling I am so adept at.

AND, most importantly, I am beginning to really forgive myself and accept me for who I am.

All this is not to say I don't still have things to work on, but sharing something positive for a change feels good. I also heard so much of "me" when other people shared....further proof we are not alone in this thing.

None of it would have happened without SR (it started here) -- Thank you all so much!

I went to another meeting tonight with my friend and it was for gay and lesbian alcoholics and addicts. It was better than the last meeting but I did fade into the background as my hot male friend collected numbers at the end from the most attractive men in the room. Same thing happened at yesterday's meeting and it was for anyone. I usually don't get noticed anyway, I'm not what you'd call "pretty" and I've been reminded of it my whole life, but it still wasn't the note I wanted to leave a meeting on- feeling unimportant and ignored. I got a 24 hour chip, which is cool- but I'm at 48 hours now.

I posted this in Newcomers section before I looked through site further and found this forum:

I'm searching the internet and trying to find some online support groups. My city is pitiful in that it has very few NA meetings, and I don't like, for some reason I don't understand, AA meetings. I am a recovering pain pill addict. I laugh when I say recovering because it has only been 44 hours! I went to detox Labor Day weekend and was there for 3 days. I went there of my own free will. Up until that day no one in my life new that I was abusing pills. I was taking up to 30 oxys a day-even while I was working, and I was completely functional. I'm a 32 year old female, I'm an RN and was doing home health. I can't believe I worked in the condition I was in, but it was the only way I could make it through the day, to function and get things done. I told my parents 2 days before I went to detox about what I was doing and they were so supportive. My mom came and drove me there and picked me up. I was living in Tampa, FL, but after detox my parents made me move to their home in Ft. Myers, FL, so that is where I am now. I relapsed the day after I got out of detox, but I can rationalize and say I only took 3 pills. I did throw the rest away the next mornign and was clean for 2 weeks. I also have bipolar II (I don't have the true manic highs, just a hypomania but my major issue is severe depression). I don't know who I am--what I feel like as a 'normal' person becuase I don't know what 'normal' is for me. During the 2 weeks I was clean, I started feeling better and better. I actually dare to say I felt good on some of those days. That is what led to me relapsing again--I did not know how to deal with feeling good if it wasn't drug induced. I didn't have a reason to feel good--I'm a drug addict, I'm 32 and living with my parents after 14 years living on my own, I've had to leave my job (that I was at for 5 years--I loved my job-my boss doesn't know what is going on, just that I have severe depression), I've moved out of the house nad city that I loved, I've left my friends. What do I have to feel good about? So, the answer is to take pills becuase then I know how and why I feel good! It's pitiful! I know all about addiction. Believe it or not I was working on my master's degree in psych/mental health to become a nurse practitioner. I've studied addiction in-depth, yet here I am, an addict. I grew up in a wonderful, loving family, my parents have been married 37 years, I have a great brother and sister, I'm intelligent--graduated college the top of my class and the nursing class president, and I just started my master's in forensic nursing at Duquesne University-a top private university. Yet, again, here I am--at rock bottom. It just goes to show that addiction does not care about age, race, religion, socioeconomic status, etc.
I went to a new patient appointment on Tuesdya with a psychiatrist who specializes in addiction and bi-polar. He said he needed to urine test me before doing anything. I thought oh ****! I used the night before. I had to admit that I had used again and had for the past 2 weeks. He wanted to start me on Suboxone. I was against it--the real reason? I had a pill in my pocket I wanted to use! You can't use when on Suboxone because you won't get any high off of it. I told him I didn't want to use it becuas ei had heard negative things about it. I went home that night, took about 5 pills, then got up and threw away the rest of what I had. Of course I am rationalizing the whole time--I used to take 30 a day, I'm only taking 5 tonight, that's a lot less than before. But the thing is, when I first relapsed, I only took one a night, now I'm up to 5 and that actually happened in only a 5 day period! I'm on my way back up in the # of pills I'm taking and on my way back down into hell. I called the doc Wed morning and went in there today and started the pills--the drug that is supposed to make me not want to take drugs! ha! Anyway, I've been on it today, and I have felt better. I am not having withdrawal symptoms-last time I didn't feel withdrawal until after 4 days, but this drug is supposed to help me not have those effects. In addition it is supposed to help with cravings. My cravings have been ridiculous--that is what also led to me relapsing-I couldn't over come the cravings. I've been in the drug seeking mode. Now the problem I seem to have, and I hope anyone reading this can help, is that since I feel better now that I started the suboxone, it's like it was with pills--I feel better, but I want to feel even better as well as since I feel better, what do I do with it? Like pills, I want to take more, but with Subxone you can't do that--it will throw you into acute withdrawal. So I know I won't take more than I'm supposed to, but is this part of the drug? Is this normal for first time users of Suboxone? Anyone that has any information would be greatly appreciated.

I'm sorry this is sooooo long--I obviously needed to get a lot out. I'm just so frustrated and angry with myself that I let myself get to this point. I can't believe I relapsed 1 day after detox. Yes, I made myself throw it all away, but the fact is I did it. I was clean 2 weeks, but then relapsed again! Addiction is hell, it has total control over our lives and our mind. The psychological component of addiction has so much control--it's like the devil pulling you down. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel--I know it is there, I just need to keep reaching for it. But damn this is a struggle.

Thanks y'all for reading...

Sunflower

I'm searching the internet and trying to find some online support groups. My city is pitiful in that it has very few NA meetings, and I don't like, for some reason I don't understand, AA meetings. I am a recovering pain pill addict. I laugh when I say recovering because it has only been 44 hours! I went to detox Labor Day weekend and was there for 3 days. I went there of my own free will. Up until that day no one in my life new that I was abusing pills. I was taking up to 30 oxys a day-even while I was working, and I was completely functional. I'm a 32 year old female, I'm an RN and was doing home health. I can't believe I worked in the condition I was in, but it was the only way I could make it through the day, to function and get things done. I told my parents 2 days before I went to detox about what I was doing and they were so supportive. My mom came and drove me there and picked me up. I was living in Tampa, FL, but after detox my parents made me move to their home in Ft. Myers, FL, so that is where I am now. I relapsed the day after I got out of detox, but I can rationalize and say I only took 3 pills. I did throw the rest away the next mornign and was clean for 2 weeks. I also have bipolar II (I don't have the true manic highs, just a hypomania but my major issue is severe depression). I don't know who I am--what I feel like as a 'normal' person becuase I don't know what 'normal' is for me. During the 2 weeks I was clean, I started feeling better and better. I actually dare to say I felt good on some of those days. That is what led to me relapsing again--I did not know how to deal with feeling good if it wasn't drug induced. I didn't have a reason to feel good--I'm a drug addict, I'm 32 and living with my parents after 14 years living on my own, I've had to leave my job (that I was at for 5 years--I loved my job-my boss doesn't know what is going on, just that I have severe depression), I've moved out of the house nad city that I loved, I've left my friends. What do I have to feel good about? So, the answer is to take pills becuase then I know how and why I feel good! It's pitiful! I know all about addiction. Believe it or not I was working on my master's degree in psych/mental health to become a nurse practitioner. I've studied addiction in-depth, yet here I am, an addict. I grew up in a wonderful, loving family, my parents have been married 37 years, I have a great brother and sister, I'm intelligent--graduated college the top of my class and the nursing class president, and I just started my master's in forensic nursing at Duquesne University-a top private university. Yet, again, here I am--at rock bottom. It just goes to show that addiction does not care about age, race, religion, socioeconomic status, etc.
I went to a new patient appointment on Tuesdya with a psychiatrist who specializes in addiction and bi-polar. He said he needed to urine test me before doing anything. I thought oh ****! I used the night before. I had to admit that I had used again and had for the past 2 weeks. He wanted to start me on Suboxone. I was against it--the real reason? I had a pill in my pocket I wanted to use! You can't use when on Suboxone because you won't get any high off of it. I told him I didn't want to use it becuas ei had heard negative things about it. I went home that night, took about 5 pills, then got up and threw away the rest of what I had. I called him Wed morning and went in there today and started the pills--the drug that is supposed to make me not want to take drugs! ha! Anyway, I've been on it today, and I have felt better. I am not having withdrawal symptoms-last time I didn't feel withdrawal until after 4 days, but this drug is supposed to help me not have those effects. In addition it is supposed to help with cravings. My cravings have been ridiculous--that is what also led to me relapsing-I couldn't over come the cravings. I've been in the drug seeking mode. Now the problem I seem to have, and I hope anyone reading this can help, is that since I feel better now that I started the suboxone, it's like it was with pills--I feel better, but I want to feel even better as well as since I feel better, what do I do with it? Like pills, I want to take more, but with Subxone you can't do that--it will throw you into acute withdrawal. So I know I won't take more than I'm supposed to, but is this part of the drug? Is this normal for first time users of Suboxone? Anyone that has any information would be greatly appreciated.

I'm sorry this is sooooo long--I obviously needed to get a lot out. I'm just so frustrated and angry with myself that I let myself get to this point. I can't believe I relapsed 1 day after detox. Yes, I made myself throw it all away, but the fact is I did it. I was clean 2 weeks, but then relapsed again! Addiction is hell, it has total control over our lives and our mind. The psychological component of addiction has so much control--it's like the devil pulling you down. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel--I know it is there, I just need to keep reaching for it. But damn this is a struggle.

Thanks y'all for reading...

Sunflower