Drug Rehab Options Blog

Not trying to scare anyone - I just really feel that way.

I haven't been out of the house for a week due to my legs, various falls, aches and pains (gf has no car at the moment).

I've had a fall nearly every day. I can't get comfortable -ever, I can't sleep much. I'm snapping at my gf so much I can't believe she's still around.

Now I dunno if I can afford even the cheapest government assisted physio thanks to the spiralling rents...and my lease is up next week and it's sure to go higher. I might be able to move...but all the places I've seen are highrise, speciality public housing is a joke - so where to? how?

God if this is me at 40 - what's 50 hold? 60?

I just feel beaten. And the things I used to use to stop me feeling beaten ended up beating me.

I thought today - here I am - eighteen months on - still stuck inside my house - only difference is I'm not drinking...well - woo hoo. Go me.

There's no escape anymore. No friggin respite. Ever.

The call the urge the need to just get wasted is there.

But I can't.
I won't.

I won't do that to myself or my friends here or my loved ones.

but what the hell *do* I do ?

D

anyone read this book?

How many people here have lost someone to an addiction? What are your thoughts on that loss? Has time given you any perspective or does it always feel like a terrible waste? What was the person you lost like?

(I thought I posted this but couldnt find it so I am doing it again) Haven't been here for a while. Not because things have been good, but just to exhusting. My AH is still drinking, even though he says he wants to stop. My problem, I am still looking for his bottles and spilling them out. I know it does no good to do that but it just makes me feel better knowing its not there. Tonight I found 2 bottles and they are here in the family room with me. Should I just put them back or dump them? Does it matter? Do I confront him for the 100th time. I am so exhusted from all of this. Alanon didn't do it for me, so I have turned to this board for support. I just don't what to do anymore. He is killing himself slowly in front of me. Says he wants to quit, but never seems to succeed. What can I do so I don't lose him forever?

I took the kids to the dentist yesterday and I need $250 for D12's fillings that I don't have. She won't get additional benefits until March and I don't think they can wait they long.

I've been missing my abusive alcoholic husband. Having a few days of sadness and missing the good times. I don't want to go back but I'm stumbling a bit as I try to move forward.

I tried to contact him today to ask for money for D12's dental work. I left a message with his niece but he has not called.

I'm just sad. I know I don't wanna live like we did. I know he can't/won't suddenly be a good husband and father but it doesn't make it easier. I'm also angry. I didn't choose to be a single parent but truth be told, I have been one all along.

I suppose I'm having a little pity party. I'll go on and I will be fine...eventually.

So my AD came home from a naranon meeting tonight (almost 30 days clean!) reeking of cigarette smoke. So, this probably isn't a big deal at this point, but I came unglued.

I'm angry at myself and everytime I lose my temper at her right now I feel like I'm giving her a relapse. Gosh am I a codie or what!?!?

She's got bad asthma, and I couldn't even count the number of times I've taken her to the ER for asthma emergency treatment in her life. She doesn't smoke, but since she's hanging around after the meeting with the other naranon folks, she is now compelled to smoke with them. The last thing she needs is a new addiction!

Also, she and her 2 year old baby live with me. I work full time, pay all the bills, she pays me nothing, and has taken over one bedroom and the living room. My only refuge is my bedroom, since I have no more living room to relax in. I feel taken advantage of beyond description.

I know I need to just shut up and not interfere with her path. I just detest cigarettes and their smell so I cannot have that smell in my home.

Well, now I've vented here and I'm feeling a bit better. I need to let it all go now and trust that she's on her path to her recovery, no matter how many twists and turns are on that path.

Thanks for listening.

So tonight at about 8pm I get an unavailable call. I didn't answer cause I know it's my ex-abf trying to talk to me. I check my voicemail and it was him, telling me he was in town cause he was released from detox today. He said he at the train station and was going to start walking towards the house. He made an appontiment for methadone on tuesday and wanted to talk. Now...he has nowhere to go seeing I kicked him out and he is not allowed at his parents. I listened to the message again. Then got up, and called the police. He has a warrant out in my town for not going to court last week. He stole and forged checks and I pressed charges. Anyways, I call the police...even though I really didn't want to have him arrested...I couldn't face seeing him on my doorstep again, begging me for help and another chance. I don't want him here. I gave him his chance last time and it didn't do any good. He still relapsed and stole from me again. First time, shame in him, second time, shame on me. I just knew if he came here he would end up convincing me to let him stay...even if it was for the night. So I told the police what was going on, that I didn't have a restraining order but he did have an active warrant and then we had to play the waiting game. They instructed me to not let him in and call if I heard him knock. They placed a cruiser near my home and we waited. I got a call from the dispatcher at 8:45pm to see if I had heard from him yet. I hadn't. So here I am...stressing out cause he's most likely going to be arrested on my doorstep and hate me forever...but I know deep inside I am doing the right thing for me. 9:15pm the phone rings, it's the police. They have arrested him. I am so glad it didn't happen on my deck. He must have been really close to the house cause I have made it in 1/2 hour by foot to the train. I really hope this is the right decision and that the courts will help him get into a program. I just couldn't have him here again and go through this whole roller coaster ride in a month or 2. I feel horrible for being the one to have him arrested...but I had to put myself first for a change. Did I make the right choice or am a a horrible person?:wtf2

When making the arrangements to physically separate from my husband (renting a new place, setting up utilities, etc..) AH commented that he thought he would have less desire to drink when I wasn't living in the house.

He theorized that he drank, in part, out of rebellion. If I wasn't there, who would he have to rebel against?

At the time, I found this line of thinking very painful. It made me angry. I felt as though he was blaming me for his problems.

But arguing with him wouldn't have gotten me anywhere. I didn't really believe that I was the problem - although I know that I contributed to it - but attempting to defend myself would have been pointless.

At that time I decided that I no longer wanted to talk to my husband about his drinking.
I established a "no alcohol" discussion policy. I didn't tell him about this boundary - it was there to keep me protected from pointlessly painful conversations.

We both know that there's a problem.
We both know what can be done to address that problem.
What's left to talk about?

All this to say.....
While speaking with AH the other night, he mentioned the "maybe it's your fault because I need to rebel" conversation of so many weeks ago.
He looked me in the eyes and said, "I was wrong. I really have a problem, even when you're not here. Especially when you're not here."

And I said, "That sounds hard, but I'm not able to talk to you about alcohol. I'm sure you'll take care of yourself." Then I changed the subject (-this sounds mean when I type it, but I assure you, I was very kind).

He stammered all over the place. Apologized for bringing it up.

For so long, I was the one who wanted to talk about his drinking. For so long, he could hook me back into the madness by throwing me a little "you're wonderful, I'm the one with the problem" bone.

No more.

I know better now. We're both people with problems. I'm taking steps to correct mine. He's fully capable of doing the same. It is not my job to show him the way.

Here's to taking care of my issues, and respecting other people enough to let them deal with their own!!!

-TC

Ok, so I binged really bad for three days on shots (all day and night) and the come down was a nightmare. A little bit of the shakes here and there but not really. It felt like my brain was under intense pressure. It "hurt" to think, and it was all so overwhelming I thought I had brain damage. It's now a few weeks past and I still get these feelings of intense tension and anxiety in my body every so often although they are fewer and less extreme, and it was "hard" to think (like read and things) for a few weeks after although it feels as though that is finally getting better as well. I guess my question is two fold. 1 - Can anyone relate to any of this, and 2 - these dont appear to be the "normal" withdrawal symptoms. Could it be that since it was only three days of booze and not really drinking anything else that I was going through severe dehydration, and not withdrawal or something of that nature. Any input would be appreciated. Thanks.

Well, my AS has been out of my house for 2 weeks and today we had a court date. We found out that he will be serving jail time for violating his probation. I knew that it was probably going to happen. But it was another thing to listen to it officially. They will give him release time for school and work, so he thinks it's going to be a piece of cake. He came home whistling "Folsum prison!" Of course I know he's scared underneath and showing bravado on top, but it angered me so much. I called him an idiot and left. He will be in jail over Thanksgiving for sure and possibly Christmas. We will find out on November 3rd when he goes to jail.

I am sad that it has come to this, but I know he needs to face the consequences of his actions. Maybe this will be a wake up call for him; maybe not. I really have no influence on him. I guess what added insult to injury was that he was trying to joke about it. He's 18 and he knows everything.

I had a good cry and then a nap, went for coffee with a friend. I know that I can't be around him. He twists, lies and contorts all truths. He is an addict and he will do anything he can to stay high or drunk, whichever is convenient. I just feel sad though. Not so much about the jail time, but about the total denial and the obvious mental illness that is apparent in his life.

I do feel hopeless tonight. My son is lost, and he doesn't even know it. Or at least won't admit it.

krhea