Archive for October 9th, 2008
Hopelessness
Here's how i feel...I feel as if i want to be sober, and i also feel that no matter what after a certain period of time i'll relapse...That would in a way be a thing called a reservation??? right??? I dont want to use......i absolutely CANNOT figure my self out, and i am getting so DAMN AGGRAVATED!!!!!!! I see people at the store or driving down the road, and i cant help but to think i wish i was them, automatically assuming they are not addicts....and they dont have to worry about the things i do. I feel so pitiful, im jus a blob of misery...i cant seem to pull myself out of it. I want to get into meetings, but i go there and watch the clock, waiting for it to be over. I cant fathom the thought of putting my life and faith into someone/something else...I feel so hopeless
need a quick simple answer
xabf and I argued badly and I told him to stop calling for good. so instead he wrote an e-mail and now apologizes only for screwing things up and says he could f up a train wreck etc and says something of truth about how he wanted to do something nice for me. (see below if you want to know what he did and what I did). Do I simply ignore him????! I'm guessing yes. It just seems so cruel.
what happened was he was putting up siding for me, I was helping. In the mean time we had many moments of arguing, and one very bad moment over the phone that sent me over the edge and I completed the siding on my own. A great feat, I felt, for me!! but it angered him. so much that he even enlisted his mom's opinion, and she agrees I was wrong. I denied him the satisfaction of finishing a job he worked so hard on. In my mind I decided I am never putting up with his abusive language again, I was done with him. so i guess i could ask myself what is different now, huh?
what happened was he was putting up siding for me, I was helping. In the mean time we had many moments of arguing, and one very bad moment over the phone that sent me over the edge and I completed the siding on my own. A great feat, I felt, for me!! but it angered him. so much that he even enlisted his mom's opinion, and she agrees I was wrong. I denied him the satisfaction of finishing a job he worked so hard on. In my mind I decided I am never putting up with his abusive language again, I was done with him. so i guess i could ask myself what is different now, huh?
Hormones????
Hi all.
I've been on this site now and again the past few months, although I've never posted on the Womens only forum.....
My questions is this: Do any of you feel that hormones play a roll in your addiction? Not that it causes your addiction..... but that maybe it contributes sometimes to your stress, anger or lack of control at certain times?
To shed soem light on why I ask this question..... I think I may have a pretty severe case of PMS. Even saying that makes me feel stupid becaue I'm the type of person that always used to feel that when women said that....it was just an excuse to be a B&^%h. But I've been having issues the past couple years......it feels like the closer I am to my cycle the crazier I feel and the more I want to drink. I can actually mark the days on y calendar when it's the worst, severe depression. And I do mean severe. And I usually have a very hard time finding anything that helps.....so I drink.
I'm not saying I think hormones are the CAUSE, but simply complicate things... anyone else feel like that?
I've been on this site now and again the past few months, although I've never posted on the Womens only forum.....
My questions is this: Do any of you feel that hormones play a roll in your addiction? Not that it causes your addiction..... but that maybe it contributes sometimes to your stress, anger or lack of control at certain times?
To shed soem light on why I ask this question..... I think I may have a pretty severe case of PMS. Even saying that makes me feel stupid becaue I'm the type of person that always used to feel that when women said that....it was just an excuse to be a B&^%h. But I've been having issues the past couple years......it feels like the closer I am to my cycle the crazier I feel and the more I want to drink. I can actually mark the days on y calendar when it's the worst, severe depression. And I do mean severe. And I usually have a very hard time finding anything that helps.....so I drink.
I'm not saying I think hormones are the CAUSE, but simply complicate things... anyone else feel like that?
An amazing breakthrough: Getting out of the way
Well, I have been attending Al Anon, reading the literature, and beginning to move towards a more integral recovery.
I just wanted to share a quick experience of getting out the way...
As a rescuer/enabler, I have always been there to save my AH from unpleasantness...even now after he has moved out, I have listened to his problems, and still offering my all powerful (yeah right) advice and sympathy. Of course, this does nothing but drain me physically and emotionally. I was literally quacking up. :lmao
Now with some program tools under my belt...last night and today an incident happened that made me think more about this program and its benefits.
I went to school all day yesterday and didn't get home until 11:30pm. On the answering machine, the AH called...obviously toasted...and sounding really desperate: "I NEED someone to talk to! Please help me! Call me right away...I wish you were there!" Under normal circumstances, I would have immediately called, panicing...powercalling until I got him. But I did the first thing I learned in Al Anon: STOP....THINK...so I did. I sat down and thought about what to do. I said the SERENITY PRAYER. After I read some program material, reflected, prayed, and released him to God. If I called back at that hour, he would be passed out or it would have ended up an emotional exhaustion for me. I could only do the most sane, productive thing to do: STOP, THINK, LET GOD AND LET GOD...rinse, repeat.
This morning about 11am. He called me at work. My AH hit his bottom last night. Sold the last piece of jewerly that he has for some food. It hit him hard. Said he seriously thought about taking his own life, and no one was there to talk to him. He was utterly alone, penniless, and empty. I never asked if he drank or offer to get the necklace out of hock. I just LISTENED, another Al Anon tool.
He said he wanted to call me to tell me that he just left his first AA meeting. He got his chip. Since he had never been to an AA meeting before, I knew he wasn't quacking because he told me thing about the meetings that only one would know if you go (like format and such). I told him I was really glad to hear it. He deserved soberity. He said he knew that we weren't getting back together, but he is at the bottom and it was time to go up. He wanted to share the experience with me.
This doesn't change anything between us. The damage is done, but I am peaceful knowing that absolutely nothing I did made him hit bottom or rescued him. What he chooses to do with it is his decision. Will he continue on with it? I don't know. Will he go back and drink himself to death? I don't know. Will AA help? Only God and he know this. What I can say, is I GOT OUT OF THE WAY...I didn't do this in a way to manipulate, control, coerce, but got out of the way for my very life and for his too.
After we hung up, I again released him to God. My husband's name is Donald, have I ever told you that? Donald is an alcoholic, and for such a long time I never saw him as the person he was, but as a disease, an addict, a helpless child, an AH. Today, thanks to Al-Anon, I saw Donald today as he is...a man who is making is own decision, a capable man, a person who I can separate from the disease that has inflicted him and our family. And my sincerest hope is that his decision takes him towards his recovery....because truly, recovery is such a gift.
Silverberry.
I just wanted to share a quick experience of getting out the way...
As a rescuer/enabler, I have always been there to save my AH from unpleasantness...even now after he has moved out, I have listened to his problems, and still offering my all powerful (yeah right) advice and sympathy. Of course, this does nothing but drain me physically and emotionally. I was literally quacking up. :lmao
Now with some program tools under my belt...last night and today an incident happened that made me think more about this program and its benefits.
I went to school all day yesterday and didn't get home until 11:30pm. On the answering machine, the AH called...obviously toasted...and sounding really desperate: "I NEED someone to talk to! Please help me! Call me right away...I wish you were there!" Under normal circumstances, I would have immediately called, panicing...powercalling until I got him. But I did the first thing I learned in Al Anon: STOP....THINK...so I did. I sat down and thought about what to do. I said the SERENITY PRAYER. After I read some program material, reflected, prayed, and released him to God. If I called back at that hour, he would be passed out or it would have ended up an emotional exhaustion for me. I could only do the most sane, productive thing to do: STOP, THINK, LET GOD AND LET GOD...rinse, repeat.
This morning about 11am. He called me at work. My AH hit his bottom last night. Sold the last piece of jewerly that he has for some food. It hit him hard. Said he seriously thought about taking his own life, and no one was there to talk to him. He was utterly alone, penniless, and empty. I never asked if he drank or offer to get the necklace out of hock. I just LISTENED, another Al Anon tool.
He said he wanted to call me to tell me that he just left his first AA meeting. He got his chip. Since he had never been to an AA meeting before, I knew he wasn't quacking because he told me thing about the meetings that only one would know if you go (like format and such). I told him I was really glad to hear it. He deserved soberity. He said he knew that we weren't getting back together, but he is at the bottom and it was time to go up. He wanted to share the experience with me.
This doesn't change anything between us. The damage is done, but I am peaceful knowing that absolutely nothing I did made him hit bottom or rescued him. What he chooses to do with it is his decision. Will he continue on with it? I don't know. Will he go back and drink himself to death? I don't know. Will AA help? Only God and he know this. What I can say, is I GOT OUT OF THE WAY...I didn't do this in a way to manipulate, control, coerce, but got out of the way for my very life and for his too.
After we hung up, I again released him to God. My husband's name is Donald, have I ever told you that? Donald is an alcoholic, and for such a long time I never saw him as the person he was, but as a disease, an addict, a helpless child, an AH. Today, thanks to Al-Anon, I saw Donald today as he is...a man who is making is own decision, a capable man, a person who I can separate from the disease that has inflicted him and our family. And my sincerest hope is that his decision takes him towards his recovery....because truly, recovery is such a gift.
Silverberry.
Why Do They Waste Their Breath?
Grrr....
I don't understand. My A and I haven't really been talking lately. Well today - completely random - I get a text that says " I need to quit drinking. I'm f*cked up."
Me - "What'd you do now?"
A - "Nothing. I'm just out of control, broke, no gas, and scared of where I'm headed."
Me - "Well then it looks like you have some choices you need to make for yourself"
A - "I just don't know what to do."
Me - "Yes you do."
Some more back and forth I said - "Why don't you try one weekend without drinking? I will keep you company as long as you're sober."
He replies with "I doubt that I can. It's f*cked up, I wish I could quit dirnking but I don't want to NOT drink."
Me - "Well that's your choice. You have a lot to lose ya know. Sometimes need and want are two different things and we all gotta grow up sometime and do what we NEED to do."
A - "I know."
:chatter
AHHH!!! I am sure I didn't say all the right things. I didn't come to ask what I should have said or done. I want to know WHY THE HELL DO A'S EXPRESS THIS OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER BUT NEVER EVEN GIVE AN OUNCE OF EFFORT?
If they "know" where their life is headed, or if they "know" what they NEED to do - why can't they get help - or just don't frickin tell me about it when no action will be taken!!!! CHOOSE YOUR LIFE AND KNOW THAT YOU CHOSE IT! That's what I want to scream at him! Don't whine about it - YOU can choose to change YOUR life. I can't so don't come to me crying about it!
Ugh. Sorry. Just angry. Obviously sad - because as much as I would like to "help" I know I can't, and I know I won't. It isn't my job - it's his. I wish I could engrave that into his mind.
Thanks for listening....
I don't understand. My A and I haven't really been talking lately. Well today - completely random - I get a text that says " I need to quit drinking. I'm f*cked up."
Me - "What'd you do now?"
A - "Nothing. I'm just out of control, broke, no gas, and scared of where I'm headed."
Me - "Well then it looks like you have some choices you need to make for yourself"
A - "I just don't know what to do."
Me - "Yes you do."
Some more back and forth I said - "Why don't you try one weekend without drinking? I will keep you company as long as you're sober."
He replies with "I doubt that I can. It's f*cked up, I wish I could quit dirnking but I don't want to NOT drink."
Me - "Well that's your choice. You have a lot to lose ya know. Sometimes need and want are two different things and we all gotta grow up sometime and do what we NEED to do."
A - "I know."
:chatter
AHHH!!! I am sure I didn't say all the right things. I didn't come to ask what I should have said or done. I want to know WHY THE HELL DO A'S EXPRESS THIS OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER BUT NEVER EVEN GIVE AN OUNCE OF EFFORT?
If they "know" where their life is headed, or if they "know" what they NEED to do - why can't they get help - or just don't frickin tell me about it when no action will be taken!!!! CHOOSE YOUR LIFE AND KNOW THAT YOU CHOSE IT! That's what I want to scream at him! Don't whine about it - YOU can choose to change YOUR life. I can't so don't come to me crying about it!
Ugh. Sorry. Just angry. Obviously sad - because as much as I would like to "help" I know I can't, and I know I won't. It isn't my job - it's his. I wish I could engrave that into his mind.
Thanks for listening....
The wrong way
Brownies just ain't cuttin' it...
How to end the loop?
It's like watching those commercials: Head On! Apply Directly to the forehead!
Except for me it's: "Brownies (or pizza, or pot roast, or...you get the idea)! Shove 'em quickly in the mouth!
I'm going to explode if I can't stop this soon. I'm looking for some short term solutions. Is there any way that I can stop this strong desire to constantly put food in my mouth? I am not hungry at all...I can't stop. Anyone with any tricks--even something that remotely relates? I wasn't like this a month ago.
I need to get the record to move onto the next part (If I don't I'll be breaking the scales soon ;) ).
How to end the loop?
It's like watching those commercials: Head On! Apply Directly to the forehead!
Except for me it's: "Brownies (or pizza, or pot roast, or...you get the idea)! Shove 'em quickly in the mouth!
I'm going to explode if I can't stop this soon. I'm looking for some short term solutions. Is there any way that I can stop this strong desire to constantly put food in my mouth? I am not hungry at all...I can't stop. Anyone with any tricks--even something that remotely relates? I wasn't like this a month ago.
I need to get the record to move onto the next part (If I don't I'll be breaking the scales soon ;) ).
old and sad…
Today I'm just sad. It's stupid, but my ego is a little bruised.
I've had one fun thing I do, ballroom dancing. Today I saw my dance partner. Times being what they are, his job has changed, his income has changed, and he won't be making time for our dancing anymore. I'm just a little bummed that it was more fun for me (I was willing to continue to make the effort) than it was for him.
I have gone to ballroom dances alone, and spent the evening looking perky and gracious and enthusiastic. But not dancing.
Since he takes the summer off, and I had a suspicion this may happen one day, I had been looking around for another man to dance with, on bulletin boards and Craig's List. But there are tons of other women looking for partners, and no men.
My husband is drunk almost every night, and doesn't want to do anything different.
And now I'm having hot flashes and I feel old. Honest, I'm usually more fun than this...
I've had one fun thing I do, ballroom dancing. Today I saw my dance partner. Times being what they are, his job has changed, his income has changed, and he won't be making time for our dancing anymore. I'm just a little bummed that it was more fun for me (I was willing to continue to make the effort) than it was for him.
I have gone to ballroom dances alone, and spent the evening looking perky and gracious and enthusiastic. But not dancing.
Since he takes the summer off, and I had a suspicion this may happen one day, I had been looking around for another man to dance with, on bulletin boards and Craig's List. But there are tons of other women looking for partners, and no men.
My husband is drunk almost every night, and doesn't want to do anything different.
And now I'm having hot flashes and I feel old. Honest, I'm usually more fun than this...
Nutrition and Health
After an exhaustive review of the research literature,here's the final word on nutrition and health:
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heartattacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heartattacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewerheart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and sufferfewer heart
attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fatsand suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking Englishis apparently what kills you. But don't worry, the Government Is trying to correct this problem.
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heartattacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heartattacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewerheart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and sufferfewer heart
attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fatsand suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking Englishis apparently what kills you. But don't worry, the Government Is trying to correct this problem.
Do they all eventually “fall”??
It seems to me that my ex has been getting away with stuff for so long ... and I have to pose this question to the list ... do they all eventually fall? Does their lifestyle always catch up to them eventually?
My ex has been stealing, lying, using and selling drugs for a long, long time and it seems like he's only been "caught" once when he stole beer from the local college and got caught on tape .... and even then, he got a slap on the wrist because he told them that HE was talked into it by his friend (ya right, i know for a fact he'd stolen beer from the same place on numerous occasions by himself). He's been on probation since then and even tho he's breached numerous times by not checking in, and just doesn't seem to be taking his conditions seriously (he's supposed to be seeing a therapist for possible mental health issues, supposed to get a job, supposed to abstain from drugs and alcohol) ... he seems to just thumb his nose at all of this, make excuses and get more probation ...
Now he's not in my life right now and I have no control over this ... and I'm not trying to get involved ... I'm just wondering ... do some ppl just fly enough under the radar to never have to face the consequences of their actions? Seems to me that the only times he's EVER considered that maybe his anger and drug use aren't helping him, it's been when he's had to spend a few days in jail ... but then someone always comes forward to get him out until his next court date ... don't the courts look at the whole situation and see that this is going on?? When is he going to have to really feel the consequences? Is it possible he'll go thru life just getting away with it? Seems to me that the longer he gets away with it, the cockier he'll get and that certainly won't make him want to change things ...
Anyone??
My ex has been stealing, lying, using and selling drugs for a long, long time and it seems like he's only been "caught" once when he stole beer from the local college and got caught on tape .... and even then, he got a slap on the wrist because he told them that HE was talked into it by his friend (ya right, i know for a fact he'd stolen beer from the same place on numerous occasions by himself). He's been on probation since then and even tho he's breached numerous times by not checking in, and just doesn't seem to be taking his conditions seriously (he's supposed to be seeing a therapist for possible mental health issues, supposed to get a job, supposed to abstain from drugs and alcohol) ... he seems to just thumb his nose at all of this, make excuses and get more probation ...
Now he's not in my life right now and I have no control over this ... and I'm not trying to get involved ... I'm just wondering ... do some ppl just fly enough under the radar to never have to face the consequences of their actions? Seems to me that the only times he's EVER considered that maybe his anger and drug use aren't helping him, it's been when he's had to spend a few days in jail ... but then someone always comes forward to get him out until his next court date ... don't the courts look at the whole situation and see that this is going on?? When is he going to have to really feel the consequences? Is it possible he'll go thru life just getting away with it? Seems to me that the longer he gets away with it, the cockier he'll get and that certainly won't make him want to change things ...
Anyone??
Advice please!!!
Hi, today is my first day on the site and I have a great feeling about it.
I am 7 years sober, dating a woman also 7 years sober. She is in AA and I am not. Yesterday, she told me that she loved me, and I told it back to her. We have a wonderful connection, lots of similarities and our differences compliment one another. A few hours after our love confessions, she sent me an email saying that she is overwhelmed and needs to "tone back" our relationship. Im confused to say the least. A bit frightened and definitely unsure of how to progress. She cancelled our trip to Boston this Sunday, where I was to meet her 13 yr old daughter. She now says she "cares" for me and doesnt know how to proceed or really where she is within this relationship. This is the same woman who brought up living together, arranged the day trip to Boston and told me that I have changed her world completely. Please tell me what I can/should do. I want to save this, I want to make her life less confusing, but I feel like I am on a roller coaster. Any comments are welcome and thanks for listening. Im happy to be here...
I am 7 years sober, dating a woman also 7 years sober. She is in AA and I am not. Yesterday, she told me that she loved me, and I told it back to her. We have a wonderful connection, lots of similarities and our differences compliment one another. A few hours after our love confessions, she sent me an email saying that she is overwhelmed and needs to "tone back" our relationship. Im confused to say the least. A bit frightened and definitely unsure of how to progress. She cancelled our trip to Boston this Sunday, where I was to meet her 13 yr old daughter. She now says she "cares" for me and doesnt know how to proceed or really where she is within this relationship. This is the same woman who brought up living together, arranged the day trip to Boston and told me that I have changed her world completely. Please tell me what I can/should do. I want to save this, I want to make her life less confusing, but I feel like I am on a roller coaster. Any comments are welcome and thanks for listening. Im happy to be here...
