Archive for the ‘Abundant Opportunities’ tag
Another post from Christin for any who dare
I?m back because you guys were so non-judgmental with my first post. I think that I have the courage to post another, if you don't mind. I?m sorry that my posts will be all about me and that you will only get to see the crap side of Christin. I just need a place where I don?t need to be the encouraging, wise, and together one. Hope that?s okay.
I?m still trying to figure out why I decided to post on a sobriety site. Maybe, deep down I want someone to tell me (no, better put CONVINCE me) that the highs that I remember were never that great so that the desire I feel might just go away for good. I don't know if I can be convinced because a part of me doesn't want to be convinced. It's comforting (in a turmoiling kind of a way) to believe that they were that good, even though I know that I could never again know it. Maybe I'm posting here just because I want a place where I can confess these things that I?ve struggled with on and off all my adult life but have never told to anyone. I hate the way that I feel inside right now. But, I don?t feel like I?m in a place to make it all go away. I appreciate the suggestions for counseling. Am I the only one who doesn't benefit from counseling? Please... it's face to face, guys. I've got an image to maintain. It's not some whim of an image. It's what makes me who I am and who everyone knows me to be. It's the one constant that has kept me from screwing my life up royally and has enabled me not to drink for 20 years and not get high for an equal many years. It's been my blessing in disguise.
Confession time. My eighteen-year-old is drinking heavily and smoking weed. I?ve ?known? it for about a year, but he?s denied it of course. However, an appearance ticket arrived in the mail this past week. I am angry because of the choices that he is making and I worry for him because he is so much like me (but I tried so hard to be a good mother ? how could he be so broken inside?). He has abundant opportunities to score, which I never had. That is really scarey! That?s not my confession, though. God forgive me and please don?t loathe me as I admit something really pathetic. I?m jealous (that admission will make pushing the post button way hard!). I?m envious of society excusing youthful impetuousness and I begrudge the fact that my son is able to do what I struggle against because he has an excuse that is denied to me. Like I said, pathetic.
Please don?t lambaste me, even though I deserve it. I already have the encouraging, wise, and together Christin saying, ?Snap out of it! My God, you?re posting to a site comprised of people who would love to be in your shoes. Besides, it?s all in your head.? I even know that she?s right and I'm so sorry to all of you who have lived a hell that I have not had to suffer. I wish that I were stronger and that what I feel didn't eat away at my soul. I know that I?ll be able to repress everything and, eventually, I will get to the place where everything will seem balanced again.
Because that is not today, I thank you for the ?company? this Thanksgiving. Even though I?m typing this in bits and pieces on an off-line computer to post when I can get alone on the online one and you have no idea who I am, I feel less alone today as I prepare to feed twenty for Thanksgiving of which I?ll be the most together one, or so everyone thinks because they have to think that, they count on me to be. Again, thanks for listening and for ?keeping company? that part of me that is always alone regardless of how many are around.
I?m still trying to figure out why I decided to post on a sobriety site. Maybe, deep down I want someone to tell me (no, better put CONVINCE me) that the highs that I remember were never that great so that the desire I feel might just go away for good. I don't know if I can be convinced because a part of me doesn't want to be convinced. It's comforting (in a turmoiling kind of a way) to believe that they were that good, even though I know that I could never again know it. Maybe I'm posting here just because I want a place where I can confess these things that I?ve struggled with on and off all my adult life but have never told to anyone. I hate the way that I feel inside right now. But, I don?t feel like I?m in a place to make it all go away. I appreciate the suggestions for counseling. Am I the only one who doesn't benefit from counseling? Please... it's face to face, guys. I've got an image to maintain. It's not some whim of an image. It's what makes me who I am and who everyone knows me to be. It's the one constant that has kept me from screwing my life up royally and has enabled me not to drink for 20 years and not get high for an equal many years. It's been my blessing in disguise.
Confession time. My eighteen-year-old is drinking heavily and smoking weed. I?ve ?known? it for about a year, but he?s denied it of course. However, an appearance ticket arrived in the mail this past week. I am angry because of the choices that he is making and I worry for him because he is so much like me (but I tried so hard to be a good mother ? how could he be so broken inside?). He has abundant opportunities to score, which I never had. That is really scarey! That?s not my confession, though. God forgive me and please don?t loathe me as I admit something really pathetic. I?m jealous (that admission will make pushing the post button way hard!). I?m envious of society excusing youthful impetuousness and I begrudge the fact that my son is able to do what I struggle against because he has an excuse that is denied to me. Like I said, pathetic.
Please don?t lambaste me, even though I deserve it. I already have the encouraging, wise, and together Christin saying, ?Snap out of it! My God, you?re posting to a site comprised of people who would love to be in your shoes. Besides, it?s all in your head.? I even know that she?s right and I'm so sorry to all of you who have lived a hell that I have not had to suffer. I wish that I were stronger and that what I feel didn't eat away at my soul. I know that I?ll be able to repress everything and, eventually, I will get to the place where everything will seem balanced again.
Because that is not today, I thank you for the ?company? this Thanksgiving. Even though I?m typing this in bits and pieces on an off-line computer to post when I can get alone on the online one and you have no idea who I am, I feel less alone today as I prepare to feed twenty for Thanksgiving of which I?ll be the most together one, or so everyone thinks because they have to think that, they count on me to be. Again, thanks for listening and for ?keeping company? that part of me that is always alone regardless of how many are around.
