Archive for the ‘Abusive Marriage’ tag
Freedom From Myself
In my battle of alcoholism, I wallowed, I sulked, I stewed. I was filled with anger and resentments and always had good reason to point and blame. I felt justified in my anger and felt as if the world had dealt me a bad hand. Why, me? Poor, me? I proudly stood beneath my self proclaimed dark cloud never thinking to step away from the shadow. My family was far from the Cleaver family. The sounds of yelling and screaming could easily be heard over the sounds of happiness and joy. Affection was the exception not the norm. Needles to say, I am a product of my environment, but aren't we all?
Divorced and coming from an abusive marriage, I packaged every ounce of dysfunction and pain and carried it with me everywhere I'd go. It was my baggage. I earned it by gawd and I wasn't letting it go. I suffered fear, anguish and guilt. My confidence was reduced to nil and I lost any amount of esteem I ever managed to conjure. I drifted into a deep depression and drank to escape the pain and the memories and the anger. Drinking never helped me to escape anything, but it surely kept me bound to my misfortune and helped intensify it. It took me years and years of suffering, in the same ole pattern, before figuring it out. How can that be? It is so obvious now, but I was blind to it then, puzzling.
My drinking escalated to the point of if I didn't stop, I would die. Death being a strong motivator, I took the steps I needed to stop drinking. What a battle I entered into. I knew nothing about sobriety, I was addicted and my main goal each day was to obtain alcohol and drink it. I achieved my goals daily, so to stop, was torture. I made it though, thank goodness and I'm eternally grateful to be free from the obsession of alcohol. Now that I am free, I do not enter into the idea of drinking again. I don't think I could make it back alive. Yes, I failed along the way, a few times, but when the dying part took front seat, I tried harder until I got it right. I wanted an easy way out. That is what I expected, easy. I wanted to will myself to stop and it would happen. I grew to understand that if you want or need something badly enough, it takes work, hard work, nothing comes easy. Why should trying to save my life be easy? It wasn't.
One thing I learned is you don't just declare to the world that you are quitting drinking and all is good and well. Drinking is merely a symptom of our problems. I grabbed onto a program and it helped me along the way. I did many things I didn't want to do. I fought and ridiculed it every stop. I pronounced their way stupid and voiced that their way would never help me. Why I put up such a fight? I really don't know. I guess it was in my nature. I reluctantly did what they said and surprise of all surprises, it worked.
I lived in fear before. Today, I live in hope. I believe that no matter what I will face the strength to get through lies ahead. It has worked for over 4 years, I don't know why it would change now? I have found my self esteem, my confidence and myself, my new self. Most importantly, I found my soul. I swear that it was shrouded by the darkness of alcoholism. Eliminating the booze has opened up a path to the light. I know peace and I know joy. Something I never thought possible. I was used to feeling negative emotions that positive ones never drifted my way. They couldn't get through. I wouldn't let them. Negative begets negative. It isn't a wonder that the dark cloud found its way directly over my head. The truth of the matter is, I conjured that cloud and neatly placed it above. Most of my pain was by my own hand. That is a harsh reality to accept, but once we do so, we can begin to heal.
What I have grown to understand is that we have to heal from within. Face our demons and rid ourselves from its grasp. Our past is a part of who we are, but many of us are directed by our past and can't move away from it. It can keep us tortured and wounded. We must move forward and sort through our past. It rids of us our resentments and anger. I still get angry, but I don't choose to pack it around with me long after the fact.. Why bother and who needs it?
These are a few things I've learned in my recovery. I am not the same person that I was years ago. I hope to continue to grow. The biggest thing I learned in Sobriety 101 is you just don't wake up sober one day and all is well. It takes work, lots and lots of work, real to the core kind of stuff. I was seeking freedom and the biggest lesson I had to learn was that I needed freedom from myself, my wounded self. That is how we find strength, move forward and grow emotionally and spiritually. Taking a good look in the mirror I see a different being. Before, I couldn't bare to look in the mirror. Today, I see a smiling face. Corny, I know, but I'm happy to be able to say that.
Divorced and coming from an abusive marriage, I packaged every ounce of dysfunction and pain and carried it with me everywhere I'd go. It was my baggage. I earned it by gawd and I wasn't letting it go. I suffered fear, anguish and guilt. My confidence was reduced to nil and I lost any amount of esteem I ever managed to conjure. I drifted into a deep depression and drank to escape the pain and the memories and the anger. Drinking never helped me to escape anything, but it surely kept me bound to my misfortune and helped intensify it. It took me years and years of suffering, in the same ole pattern, before figuring it out. How can that be? It is so obvious now, but I was blind to it then, puzzling.
My drinking escalated to the point of if I didn't stop, I would die. Death being a strong motivator, I took the steps I needed to stop drinking. What a battle I entered into. I knew nothing about sobriety, I was addicted and my main goal each day was to obtain alcohol and drink it. I achieved my goals daily, so to stop, was torture. I made it though, thank goodness and I'm eternally grateful to be free from the obsession of alcohol. Now that I am free, I do not enter into the idea of drinking again. I don't think I could make it back alive. Yes, I failed along the way, a few times, but when the dying part took front seat, I tried harder until I got it right. I wanted an easy way out. That is what I expected, easy. I wanted to will myself to stop and it would happen. I grew to understand that if you want or need something badly enough, it takes work, hard work, nothing comes easy. Why should trying to save my life be easy? It wasn't.
One thing I learned is you don't just declare to the world that you are quitting drinking and all is good and well. Drinking is merely a symptom of our problems. I grabbed onto a program and it helped me along the way. I did many things I didn't want to do. I fought and ridiculed it every stop. I pronounced their way stupid and voiced that their way would never help me. Why I put up such a fight? I really don't know. I guess it was in my nature. I reluctantly did what they said and surprise of all surprises, it worked.
I lived in fear before. Today, I live in hope. I believe that no matter what I will face the strength to get through lies ahead. It has worked for over 4 years, I don't know why it would change now? I have found my self esteem, my confidence and myself, my new self. Most importantly, I found my soul. I swear that it was shrouded by the darkness of alcoholism. Eliminating the booze has opened up a path to the light. I know peace and I know joy. Something I never thought possible. I was used to feeling negative emotions that positive ones never drifted my way. They couldn't get through. I wouldn't let them. Negative begets negative. It isn't a wonder that the dark cloud found its way directly over my head. The truth of the matter is, I conjured that cloud and neatly placed it above. Most of my pain was by my own hand. That is a harsh reality to accept, but once we do so, we can begin to heal.
What I have grown to understand is that we have to heal from within. Face our demons and rid ourselves from its grasp. Our past is a part of who we are, but many of us are directed by our past and can't move away from it. It can keep us tortured and wounded. We must move forward and sort through our past. It rids of us our resentments and anger. I still get angry, but I don't choose to pack it around with me long after the fact.. Why bother and who needs it?
These are a few things I've learned in my recovery. I am not the same person that I was years ago. I hope to continue to grow. The biggest thing I learned in Sobriety 101 is you just don't wake up sober one day and all is well. It takes work, lots and lots of work, real to the core kind of stuff. I was seeking freedom and the biggest lesson I had to learn was that I needed freedom from myself, my wounded self. That is how we find strength, move forward and grow emotionally and spiritually. Taking a good look in the mirror I see a different being. Before, I couldn't bare to look in the mirror. Today, I see a smiling face. Corny, I know, but I'm happy to be able to say that.
sick and frustrated
I went to the doctor today and mentioned to him the fact that I've been drinking and feel like I should've just lied. He knows I have a eating disorder but, I've gained some weight.
The main reason I went was to get a higher dose of topamax. I'm currently taking 50mg he wouldn't give it to me because he was afraid about the loss of appetite. I told him it helped me not want to drink and helped with my depression and he still wouldn't.
I doubled the dose to 100mg for about a week which probably wasn't the best idea without the doctors permission but, I was trying to cut back on the drinking a little. I noticed it helped me not throw up and hallucinate. I've been vomiting blood and bile and I told him that.
I walked out of the doctors office with just 50mg and he told me to go to AA. I felt really frustrated all day just because I don't know if I can do that right now. There's a lot keeping me from caring and I think it's the way I've been treated.
I was in an abusive marriage for 8 years and my current living situation isn't good either. The few people that I feel do care I feel like I'm slowly pushing them away because of the alcohol. They don't want me to drink but for some reason it just makes me mad. I feel like there trying to contol me.
I really can't hardly think straight anymore. I don't know if it's the alcohol or the eating disorder. I feel confused a lot. I can't remember the last few weeks. I don't remember saying things doing things. I've been through so much and I feel like deep down I've kinda just given up.
I went 15 hours the other day but, it was almost like I was waiting just for another drink instead of quitting. During that time the nausea, sweating, chills were intense. I kept having nightmares every ten minutes and waking up. I saw things, heard voices, it was too much.
I don't know what to do. I just need I guess to rant.
The main reason I went was to get a higher dose of topamax. I'm currently taking 50mg he wouldn't give it to me because he was afraid about the loss of appetite. I told him it helped me not want to drink and helped with my depression and he still wouldn't.
I doubled the dose to 100mg for about a week which probably wasn't the best idea without the doctors permission but, I was trying to cut back on the drinking a little. I noticed it helped me not throw up and hallucinate. I've been vomiting blood and bile and I told him that.
I walked out of the doctors office with just 50mg and he told me to go to AA. I felt really frustrated all day just because I don't know if I can do that right now. There's a lot keeping me from caring and I think it's the way I've been treated.
I was in an abusive marriage for 8 years and my current living situation isn't good either. The few people that I feel do care I feel like I'm slowly pushing them away because of the alcohol. They don't want me to drink but for some reason it just makes me mad. I feel like there trying to contol me.
I really can't hardly think straight anymore. I don't know if it's the alcohol or the eating disorder. I feel confused a lot. I can't remember the last few weeks. I don't remember saying things doing things. I've been through so much and I feel like deep down I've kinda just given up.
I went 15 hours the other day but, it was almost like I was waiting just for another drink instead of quitting. During that time the nausea, sweating, chills were intense. I kept having nightmares every ten minutes and waking up. I saw things, heard voices, it was too much.
I don't know what to do. I just need I guess to rant.
