Archive for the ‘Accomplishment’ tag
JFT January 1
January 1
Vigilance
?We keep what we have only with vigilance...?
Basic Text, p. 60
????=????
How do we remain vigilant about our recovery? First, by realizing that we have a disease we will always have. No matter how long we?ve been clean, no matter how much better our lives have become, no matter what the extent of our spiritual healing, we are still addicts. Our disease waits patiently, ready to spring the trap if we give it the opportunity.
Vigilance is daily accomplishment. We strive to be constantly alert and ready to deal with signs of trouble. Not that we should live in irrational fear that something horrible will possess us if we drop our guard for an instant; we just take normal precautions. Daily prayer, regular meeting attendance, and choosing not to compromise spiritual principles for the easier way are acts of vigilance. We take inventory as necessary, share with others whenever we are asked, and carefully nurture our recovery. Above all, we stay aware!
We have a daily reprieve from our addiction as long as we remain vigilant. Each day, we carry the principles of recovery into all we do, and each night, we thank our Higher Power for another day clean.
????=????
Just for today: I will be vigilant, doing everything necessary to guard my recovery.
Vigilance
?We keep what we have only with vigilance...?
Basic Text, p. 60
????=????
How do we remain vigilant about our recovery? First, by realizing that we have a disease we will always have. No matter how long we?ve been clean, no matter how much better our lives have become, no matter what the extent of our spiritual healing, we are still addicts. Our disease waits patiently, ready to spring the trap if we give it the opportunity.
Vigilance is daily accomplishment. We strive to be constantly alert and ready to deal with signs of trouble. Not that we should live in irrational fear that something horrible will possess us if we drop our guard for an instant; we just take normal precautions. Daily prayer, regular meeting attendance, and choosing not to compromise spiritual principles for the easier way are acts of vigilance. We take inventory as necessary, share with others whenever we are asked, and carefully nurture our recovery. Above all, we stay aware!
We have a daily reprieve from our addiction as long as we remain vigilant. Each day, we carry the principles of recovery into all we do, and each night, we thank our Higher Power for another day clean.
????=????
Just for today: I will be vigilant, doing everything necessary to guard my recovery.
New Year’s Resolutions
APA Offers Tips for Attaining Your
New Year's Resolutions
January 1 is not only the start of the New Year, but is when many begin their New Year?s Resolutions. Mange stress. Eat healthier. Exercise more. Spend more time with family. Sticking to your resolutions and making changes can be difficult but not impossible. The American Psychiatric Association (APA) would like to offer tips and other resources to help families and individuals keep their resolutions for a healthy mind and healthy life.
?A new year is a great time to think about the changes we want to make in our lives. Being and staying well is a resolution many people make for the New Year, but those resolutions can lead to frustration when we find we have set unrealistic goals,? said Philip R. Muskin, M.D., Professor of Clinical Psychiatry, Columbia University and Chair of the APA Council on Psychosomatic Medicine. ?Making a resolution to change one thing that will make us healthier is a priceless gift that only we can give to ourselves.?
Try again. Everyone has made, and broken past resolutions, that does not mean that you won?t succeed this time. Start with a positive approach, including thinking about what has disrupted your good intentions in the past. Don?t discourage yourself with a negative outlook.
Don?t make too many resolutions. Trying to eat better, exercise more, quit smoking, and reduce stress is too much to tackle at once. Pick a realistic, attainable goal with a reasonable time frame.
Choose your own resolution. Make sure this is something that you want to accomplish for yourself and not for friends or family. When you attain the goal they will benefit from your success as well.
Make a plan and write it down. Plan what you?d like to accomplish in three or six months. Achieving small goals over time gives you a sense of accomplishment and motivation to keep going. Writing your goals down is a good way to keep track of your progress.
Involve friends and family. They can support your efforts, and can motivate you to keep going. Setting a personal goal is not a ?promise? which can never be broken. Don?t paint yourself into a corner by overstating what can be a realistic change you plan to make.
Forgive yourself. If you get off track, don?t think that you failed. Review your plan and make adjustments.
Congratulate yourself. Reward yourself when your intermediate goals or resolutions are met.
The most important point to consider when deciding on your resolutions is to decide if you are truly willing to make the change in your life. Deciding to make the change just to have a resolution will not keep you motivated to attain your goal. Many people fail because they are afraid or don?t fully realize how the goal can benefit their every day lives. When you decide on your resolution, make a plan of action and list the ways it will improve your life. When you can see the prize, you are more likely to keep up the fight.
http://www.healthyminds.org/resolutions.cfm
New Year's Resolutions
January 1 is not only the start of the New Year, but is when many begin their New Year?s Resolutions. Mange stress. Eat healthier. Exercise more. Spend more time with family. Sticking to your resolutions and making changes can be difficult but not impossible. The American Psychiatric Association (APA) would like to offer tips and other resources to help families and individuals keep their resolutions for a healthy mind and healthy life. ?A new year is a great time to think about the changes we want to make in our lives. Being and staying well is a resolution many people make for the New Year, but those resolutions can lead to frustration when we find we have set unrealistic goals,? said Philip R. Muskin, M.D., Professor of Clinical Psychiatry, Columbia University and Chair of the APA Council on Psychosomatic Medicine. ?Making a resolution to change one thing that will make us healthier is a priceless gift that only we can give to ourselves.?
Try again. Everyone has made, and broken past resolutions, that does not mean that you won?t succeed this time. Start with a positive approach, including thinking about what has disrupted your good intentions in the past. Don?t discourage yourself with a negative outlook.
Don?t make too many resolutions. Trying to eat better, exercise more, quit smoking, and reduce stress is too much to tackle at once. Pick a realistic, attainable goal with a reasonable time frame.
Choose your own resolution. Make sure this is something that you want to accomplish for yourself and not for friends or family. When you attain the goal they will benefit from your success as well.
Make a plan and write it down. Plan what you?d like to accomplish in three or six months. Achieving small goals over time gives you a sense of accomplishment and motivation to keep going. Writing your goals down is a good way to keep track of your progress.
Involve friends and family. They can support your efforts, and can motivate you to keep going. Setting a personal goal is not a ?promise? which can never be broken. Don?t paint yourself into a corner by overstating what can be a realistic change you plan to make.
Forgive yourself. If you get off track, don?t think that you failed. Review your plan and make adjustments.
Congratulate yourself. Reward yourself when your intermediate goals or resolutions are met.
The most important point to consider when deciding on your resolutions is to decide if you are truly willing to make the change in your life. Deciding to make the change just to have a resolution will not keep you motivated to attain your goal. Many people fail because they are afraid or don?t fully realize how the goal can benefit their every day lives. When you decide on your resolution, make a plan of action and list the ways it will improve your life. When you can see the prize, you are more likely to keep up the fight.
http://www.healthyminds.org/resolutions.cfm
Progress!
It has been almost 3 years since I've stayed sober for this length of time. I'm over 5 months sober now. In the past I've allowed my friends talk me into drinking on several occasions, after I'd quit drinking. Quickly slipping back to daily binge drinking.
Well, a long time friend who I've known since childhood stopped by yesterday. He walks in the door with a bottle of Jack, just like he has many times in the past. I didn't say a word. After his 2nd or 3rd drink he asks why I'm not drinking. I told him I had quit and he was free to drink all he wanted but I wouldn't be joining him this time. He looked confused, then insisted we drink together because it was the holidays and knowing in my past I was never one to turn down a drink or 10. At this point he even pours me a drink. I held my ground and he finally dropped the subject.
That was a huge accomplishment for me. I tend to go with the crowd most of the time. I no longer go to bars and such, as I've avoided situations like this at all cost this time around. I'm very thankful I'm still sober and the half bottle of Jack that was left is now in the sink.
Well, a long time friend who I've known since childhood stopped by yesterday. He walks in the door with a bottle of Jack, just like he has many times in the past. I didn't say a word. After his 2nd or 3rd drink he asks why I'm not drinking. I told him I had quit and he was free to drink all he wanted but I wouldn't be joining him this time. He looked confused, then insisted we drink together because it was the holidays and knowing in my past I was never one to turn down a drink or 10. At this point he even pours me a drink. I held my ground and he finally dropped the subject.
That was a huge accomplishment for me. I tend to go with the crowd most of the time. I no longer go to bars and such, as I've avoided situations like this at all cost this time around. I'm very thankful I'm still sober and the half bottle of Jack that was left is now in the sink.
Least has 5 Months Today!! Congratulations!!
Congratulations Susan. :ghug3
This is an amazing accomplishment and you have so much to be proud of.
When I joined this forum over two months ago on the start of my own journey, you were the first person here to respond to my thread, to hear my cry for help. Today, it is my honor to recognize YOU here on your 5 month anniversary of sobriety.
Take a bow, you've earned it.
This is an amazing accomplishment and you have so much to be proud of.
When I joined this forum over two months ago on the start of my own journey, you were the first person here to respond to my thread, to hear my cry for help. Today, it is my honor to recognize YOU here on your 5 month anniversary of sobriety.
Take a bow, you've earned it.
I’ll jump in here
Joined earlier today, and have been poking around a bit. Feeling like I need to reach out and connect a bit.
I haven't had a drink since last Sunday night, so it's a few hours short of a week. So, I guess that's a good start. It's not the first time I've gone a week without drinking, but it's rare enough that I get this far that it merits a bit of acknowledgement... acknowledgement as an accomplishment (however small) and more importantly, acknowledgement as an opportunity.
I'm not generally a daily drinker, and I've never been one who drinks early in the day. More commonly, over the past couple years, I've been a 2 - 3 days a week drinker. The issue is that, when I do drink, I don't stop. I drink until I pass out. It takes a fair amount to get me to pass out. If I don't have enough, I'll find myself walking to a liquor store late at night to make sure that I do have enough.
I travel for business, often for a week or more. When I'm gone, I WILL commonly drink nightly, although I tend to more commonly keep it to a pint of liquor (usually brandy). Sometimes I'll get a pint and a baby bottle, because I know that a pint probably won't be quite enough.
I have some experience with addiction recovery. I haven't ever used hard drugs. I did quit smoking, however. In that process, I joined a support group like this, and was quite active for a couple years. During that time, I learned a lot about the nature of addiction in general, and to speak eloquently and persuasively to others who were going through the process of escaping that addiction. So, I feel that I come to this with the advantage of at least understanding some important general principles.
I've realized I have a problem for several years now. There's a cycle with which I'm sure many of you are familiar, of waking up feeling miserable, ashamed, and desperate after a night of drinking. Of persuading myself that I needed to stop. Of walking myself through what I believed the course would be. Of committing to that course...
... of bargaining my way out of that course one or more days later, drinking myself into a slump on the couch and waking up in my own urine. Somehow, putting it that starkly seems to clarify the nature of my problem.
I've spent great resources of mental energy on this problem. I believe I understand some of the physical reasons why I can't stop once I start. And, I believe I also understand some of the physical reasons why it's getting harder to keep it to 2 or 3 nights a week. I think I have a tenuous grasp on some of the mental reasons I've refused to break the cycle to this point.
One thing that was vitally important to my recovery from nicotine addiction (over 6 years smoke-free now) was having some insight into the road ahead. Quitting was really hard at times. Having voices there to tell me how the hard times were temporary, how to cope with them, and most importantly, in concrete terms, what I could expect down the road in terms of comfort (as it applied to nicotine).
I'm at a pretty crucial point in the process right now. I made it to 11 days back in July (aided by a stomach flu that made it easier to turn away from alcohol temporarily). It's been nearly 2 years since I made it more than 2 weeks (16 day), and that's the only time I've gone 2 weeks in probably 5 years. I'm fearful of the days ahead. I really feel like I need some positive visions of life after alcohol. I need to hear that there really is comfort beyond quitting.
My wife doesn't have the same problem I have. She has a problem, but it's not nearly as severe as mine. She can stop... but she has a hard time going more than a couple days without though. We really do have a pretty classic co-dependency relationship. She's the enabler/instigator. I'm the willing participant when she pushes the "go" button.
We both made a commitment to not drink until Thanksgiving. I figured that was a start. But, we've made these commitments a hundred times, and we rarely last very long before one of us uses the other's weakness to jointly break the compact. Tonight, I felt like it was happening. I saw her at work (she works in a pub) and she said in a tone of voice we both recognize, "I don't want to stay in tonight, what'll we do?" I didn't have the strength to shoot her down, but went home, and worried about what fate would bring me. Was just about at the point of resignation that I'd end up losing my week of sobriety once she got home.
She got in, and there was a sporting event on TV that she was interested in. She watched it for an hour or so, and both of us avoided the elephant in the room. I worked on some stuff for my job, and she watched TV. I started cooking something, and that seemed to be enough of something for her to grasp onto that she no longer seemed to be pushing (without saying so) for a night out. I focused on the meal, and by the time we ate, both of us seemed to have recommitted (again, without saying so) to at least making it through today. We won't drink tonight.
That's the basics. As I say, I've thought about my problem a lot. I could probably keep writing for hours. But, I'd rather post what I've written, and pray that some of you have some encouraging glimpses at life without alcohol to offer me. The week hasn't been easy. I gather there are harder things, but part of the insidious nature of addiction is the fact that difficult times are obscured by moments of ease. We then cling to those moments of ease to convince ourselves that maybe it wasn't so bad after all... and so forth...
Thank you for your help.
RP
I haven't had a drink since last Sunday night, so it's a few hours short of a week. So, I guess that's a good start. It's not the first time I've gone a week without drinking, but it's rare enough that I get this far that it merits a bit of acknowledgement... acknowledgement as an accomplishment (however small) and more importantly, acknowledgement as an opportunity.
I'm not generally a daily drinker, and I've never been one who drinks early in the day. More commonly, over the past couple years, I've been a 2 - 3 days a week drinker. The issue is that, when I do drink, I don't stop. I drink until I pass out. It takes a fair amount to get me to pass out. If I don't have enough, I'll find myself walking to a liquor store late at night to make sure that I do have enough.
I travel for business, often for a week or more. When I'm gone, I WILL commonly drink nightly, although I tend to more commonly keep it to a pint of liquor (usually brandy). Sometimes I'll get a pint and a baby bottle, because I know that a pint probably won't be quite enough.
I have some experience with addiction recovery. I haven't ever used hard drugs. I did quit smoking, however. In that process, I joined a support group like this, and was quite active for a couple years. During that time, I learned a lot about the nature of addiction in general, and to speak eloquently and persuasively to others who were going through the process of escaping that addiction. So, I feel that I come to this with the advantage of at least understanding some important general principles.
I've realized I have a problem for several years now. There's a cycle with which I'm sure many of you are familiar, of waking up feeling miserable, ashamed, and desperate after a night of drinking. Of persuading myself that I needed to stop. Of walking myself through what I believed the course would be. Of committing to that course...
... of bargaining my way out of that course one or more days later, drinking myself into a slump on the couch and waking up in my own urine. Somehow, putting it that starkly seems to clarify the nature of my problem.
I've spent great resources of mental energy on this problem. I believe I understand some of the physical reasons why I can't stop once I start. And, I believe I also understand some of the physical reasons why it's getting harder to keep it to 2 or 3 nights a week. I think I have a tenuous grasp on some of the mental reasons I've refused to break the cycle to this point.
One thing that was vitally important to my recovery from nicotine addiction (over 6 years smoke-free now) was having some insight into the road ahead. Quitting was really hard at times. Having voices there to tell me how the hard times were temporary, how to cope with them, and most importantly, in concrete terms, what I could expect down the road in terms of comfort (as it applied to nicotine).
I'm at a pretty crucial point in the process right now. I made it to 11 days back in July (aided by a stomach flu that made it easier to turn away from alcohol temporarily). It's been nearly 2 years since I made it more than 2 weeks (16 day), and that's the only time I've gone 2 weeks in probably 5 years. I'm fearful of the days ahead. I really feel like I need some positive visions of life after alcohol. I need to hear that there really is comfort beyond quitting.
My wife doesn't have the same problem I have. She has a problem, but it's not nearly as severe as mine. She can stop... but she has a hard time going more than a couple days without though. We really do have a pretty classic co-dependency relationship. She's the enabler/instigator. I'm the willing participant when she pushes the "go" button.
We both made a commitment to not drink until Thanksgiving. I figured that was a start. But, we've made these commitments a hundred times, and we rarely last very long before one of us uses the other's weakness to jointly break the compact. Tonight, I felt like it was happening. I saw her at work (she works in a pub) and she said in a tone of voice we both recognize, "I don't want to stay in tonight, what'll we do?" I didn't have the strength to shoot her down, but went home, and worried about what fate would bring me. Was just about at the point of resignation that I'd end up losing my week of sobriety once she got home.
She got in, and there was a sporting event on TV that she was interested in. She watched it for an hour or so, and both of us avoided the elephant in the room. I worked on some stuff for my job, and she watched TV. I started cooking something, and that seemed to be enough of something for her to grasp onto that she no longer seemed to be pushing (without saying so) for a night out. I focused on the meal, and by the time we ate, both of us seemed to have recommitted (again, without saying so) to at least making it through today. We won't drink tonight.
That's the basics. As I say, I've thought about my problem a lot. I could probably keep writing for hours. But, I'd rather post what I've written, and pray that some of you have some encouraging glimpses at life without alcohol to offer me. The week hasn't been easy. I gather there are harder things, but part of the insidious nature of addiction is the fact that difficult times are obscured by moments of ease. We then cling to those moments of ease to convince ourselves that maybe it wasn't so bad after all... and so forth...
Thank you for your help.
RP
Fulminouscherub has 5 months today!!
CONGRATULATIONS on your accomplishment!!! Keep up the good work!!!:bday2
The Gift of Desperation
It's been a while since I have posted here, so hi to old friends and greetings to new ones. I am happy to report that today is my 28th day sober and given that I had a permanent spot on the 2 week and under as well as the chronic threads, this is an accomplishment that I am proud of. It is better than I have done in over 15 years.
Believe me when I say that I have sought the universal "recipe" for sobriety for many years. It doesn't exist, IMHO, but I have found a path that is working for ME. I also know that my path may change over time, and that I must be vigilant and listen to myself (and all of you) when I feel I am on shaky ground.
I didn't believe I had a "problem" nor did I want to become sober, but my family left me no choice. About 5 years ago, they literally escorted me to an AA meeting and told me I had no choice in the matter. At that time, I ceased to drink in the open, and started to hide it. I didn't drink every day, but when I did, I really did. Of course, I denied drinking. I said I was tired, had taken Benydryl or whatever. I don't think I fooled anybody, but it went on for quite some time. They then insisted I do outpatient, which I did 2x and continued to go to AA. I really began to like AA and the people in it, but because my meetings were filled with "old-timers" (anywhere from 5-35 YEARS sober), I was unable to be honest and tell them that I couldn't put more than 4 days together. My sponsor has over 30 years and I couldn't bring myself to tell her either. I didn't pretend that I had long term sobriety (after all, I continued to go to meetings several times per week) and would periodically confess to a relapse. Occasionally, when called upon to "chair",my conscience dictated that I decline (you have to have >3 months for those that don't know).
Last spring, I found SR. The anonymity appealed to me and I felt so comforted by the fact that others were in the same boat in reference to long term sobriety. I lived on the 2 week thread, but for the first time, admitted my inability to sustain abstinence. I posted a lot in the spring and throughout the summer. Unfortunately, I still couldn't "get it". So many times I have heard AAers speak about the gift of desperation and I can't tell you how much I longed for that end point. I envied them and those on SR who rose from their own ashes, like the phoenix. But I could go for a few days only and then I would feel better. I was my own worst enemy. If there was any wiggle room, I would wriggle through and drink. For some strange reason, it was always on day 3 or 4. I ALWAYS felt badly afterward and my shame disintegrated my self esteem (not that I had a lot to lose). I would blackout regularly and would dearly pay the price the next day for what I said or did. Even if I didn't say or do anything awful, I was panicked in the middle of the night, fearing what I would have to face in the morning. I lost all faith in myself and began to question my sanity. I felt like I was unraveling faster and faster. I started to feel like I was 2 people: one who would drink and one who KNEW better but was unable to intervene.
I had belonged to the "class of July...then August...then September. All this time I felt like I was getting closer to "the end" but not quite there. But I also was feeling increasingly frightened that I wouldn't be able to prevent a free fall into self-destruction. I started to see that if nothing changed, nothing would change. I was on borrowed time in my marriage and worried about my health. By the end of September, I had my annual physical. Historically, whenever my physical was scheduled, I would think "OK, 5 weeks. If I stop now, my blood work should be OK". Well, of course I didn't and when I felt I had drunk too close to my physical date, I would change the appointment! I can't tell you how many years I did this, nor how many times I postponed the actual appointment. But this year, I'd had enough. I also had the clarity to know that I just couldn't do it on my own. I needed something to force me into sobriety, something to take the wiggle room completely out of the equation. So this year I steeled myself and told my Dr that I wanted her to put me on Antabuse (thank you Angie from SR for giving me the idea). Although I had told her years ago that I was an alcoholic, we never really discussed it. But this year, I didn't care what she thought (I am horrible when it comes to being other directed or vulnerable). I KNEW that I wanted abstinence, but I could think of nothing but a drug like Antabuse that would FORCE me to quit drinking. She did a liver function test, and pending the outcome, agreed to write me the prescription.
Thank God my liver was OK. So I started taking the pill and it has done for me what I have been unable to do for myself. This drug isn't for everyone. There are nasty (and potentially life threatening) reactions if one does drink. Plus it stays in your system for up to 2 weeks, so you can't just decide to stop one day and drink the next. This is JUST what I needed because it's my IMPULSIVITY which has caused me to drink in the past. Now I don't drink because I am petrified of the reaction. I definitely have had cravings, not FOR alcohol per se, but for the desire to escape, deaden or avoid situations or just plain myself. But it isn't an option any longer and I am learning to accept that and find alternate ways to live life in a healthy manner.
This time sober has been wonderful. I feel fabulous and slowly the messes I have made in my life are starting to heal. I am also doing some addiction workbooks, and meditating. The best thing is that I have gotten my self back. Every day I like myself a little more and that fuels me forward. I am one person again (not split in half) and am starting to identify the issues that have compelled me to drink. Those are what I need to work on and I am ready to do that. Do I miss drinking? Honestly, I miss the ahhhhh feeling (though even that was short-lived at the end). But it's not worth the devastation of my marriage, family, health, but most of all, my SELF. And I like how I'm feeling now far more than I miss the few minutes of "ahhhh". For the time being, Antabuse is protecting me and I will not stop taking it until I have to or I feel strong enough to have a go on my own. I know that it will be awhile because, sadly enough, I just don't trust myself enough yet. I am still too fragile. As much as I appreciate the gains I have made, I know that they are just the tip of the iceberg and that I could "fall" at any time.
So I think that I have finally received the gift of desperation that has been so elusive for so long. The turning point for me was ME making the decision to talk with my DR (as opposed to my family making the decision FOR me), abandoning my pride and asking for help, being honest with myself and others and also willing to take a draconian measure in order to insure my short term success until I felt confident enough to do it on my own.
This is truly a journey for all of us and, as we all know, never easy or predictable. I'd like to thank everyone for helping me to get to this point and letting me share my story. It's a beginning. :praying
Believe me when I say that I have sought the universal "recipe" for sobriety for many years. It doesn't exist, IMHO, but I have found a path that is working for ME. I also know that my path may change over time, and that I must be vigilant and listen to myself (and all of you) when I feel I am on shaky ground.
I didn't believe I had a "problem" nor did I want to become sober, but my family left me no choice. About 5 years ago, they literally escorted me to an AA meeting and told me I had no choice in the matter. At that time, I ceased to drink in the open, and started to hide it. I didn't drink every day, but when I did, I really did. Of course, I denied drinking. I said I was tired, had taken Benydryl or whatever. I don't think I fooled anybody, but it went on for quite some time. They then insisted I do outpatient, which I did 2x and continued to go to AA. I really began to like AA and the people in it, but because my meetings were filled with "old-timers" (anywhere from 5-35 YEARS sober), I was unable to be honest and tell them that I couldn't put more than 4 days together. My sponsor has over 30 years and I couldn't bring myself to tell her either. I didn't pretend that I had long term sobriety (after all, I continued to go to meetings several times per week) and would periodically confess to a relapse. Occasionally, when called upon to "chair",my conscience dictated that I decline (you have to have >3 months for those that don't know).
Last spring, I found SR. The anonymity appealed to me and I felt so comforted by the fact that others were in the same boat in reference to long term sobriety. I lived on the 2 week thread, but for the first time, admitted my inability to sustain abstinence. I posted a lot in the spring and throughout the summer. Unfortunately, I still couldn't "get it". So many times I have heard AAers speak about the gift of desperation and I can't tell you how much I longed for that end point. I envied them and those on SR who rose from their own ashes, like the phoenix. But I could go for a few days only and then I would feel better. I was my own worst enemy. If there was any wiggle room, I would wriggle through and drink. For some strange reason, it was always on day 3 or 4. I ALWAYS felt badly afterward and my shame disintegrated my self esteem (not that I had a lot to lose). I would blackout regularly and would dearly pay the price the next day for what I said or did. Even if I didn't say or do anything awful, I was panicked in the middle of the night, fearing what I would have to face in the morning. I lost all faith in myself and began to question my sanity. I felt like I was unraveling faster and faster. I started to feel like I was 2 people: one who would drink and one who KNEW better but was unable to intervene.
I had belonged to the "class of July...then August...then September. All this time I felt like I was getting closer to "the end" but not quite there. But I also was feeling increasingly frightened that I wouldn't be able to prevent a free fall into self-destruction. I started to see that if nothing changed, nothing would change. I was on borrowed time in my marriage and worried about my health. By the end of September, I had my annual physical. Historically, whenever my physical was scheduled, I would think "OK, 5 weeks. If I stop now, my blood work should be OK". Well, of course I didn't and when I felt I had drunk too close to my physical date, I would change the appointment! I can't tell you how many years I did this, nor how many times I postponed the actual appointment. But this year, I'd had enough. I also had the clarity to know that I just couldn't do it on my own. I needed something to force me into sobriety, something to take the wiggle room completely out of the equation. So this year I steeled myself and told my Dr that I wanted her to put me on Antabuse (thank you Angie from SR for giving me the idea). Although I had told her years ago that I was an alcoholic, we never really discussed it. But this year, I didn't care what she thought (I am horrible when it comes to being other directed or vulnerable). I KNEW that I wanted abstinence, but I could think of nothing but a drug like Antabuse that would FORCE me to quit drinking. She did a liver function test, and pending the outcome, agreed to write me the prescription.
Thank God my liver was OK. So I started taking the pill and it has done for me what I have been unable to do for myself. This drug isn't for everyone. There are nasty (and potentially life threatening) reactions if one does drink. Plus it stays in your system for up to 2 weeks, so you can't just decide to stop one day and drink the next. This is JUST what I needed because it's my IMPULSIVITY which has caused me to drink in the past. Now I don't drink because I am petrified of the reaction. I definitely have had cravings, not FOR alcohol per se, but for the desire to escape, deaden or avoid situations or just plain myself. But it isn't an option any longer and I am learning to accept that and find alternate ways to live life in a healthy manner.
This time sober has been wonderful. I feel fabulous and slowly the messes I have made in my life are starting to heal. I am also doing some addiction workbooks, and meditating. The best thing is that I have gotten my self back. Every day I like myself a little more and that fuels me forward. I am one person again (not split in half) and am starting to identify the issues that have compelled me to drink. Those are what I need to work on and I am ready to do that. Do I miss drinking? Honestly, I miss the ahhhhh feeling (though even that was short-lived at the end). But it's not worth the devastation of my marriage, family, health, but most of all, my SELF. And I like how I'm feeling now far more than I miss the few minutes of "ahhhh". For the time being, Antabuse is protecting me and I will not stop taking it until I have to or I feel strong enough to have a go on my own. I know that it will be awhile because, sadly enough, I just don't trust myself enough yet. I am still too fragile. As much as I appreciate the gains I have made, I know that they are just the tip of the iceberg and that I could "fall" at any time.
So I think that I have finally received the gift of desperation that has been so elusive for so long. The turning point for me was ME making the decision to talk with my DR (as opposed to my family making the decision FOR me), abandoning my pride and asking for help, being honest with myself and others and also willing to take a draconian measure in order to insure my short term success until I felt confident enough to do it on my own.
This is truly a journey for all of us and, as we all know, never easy or predictable. I'd like to thank everyone for helping me to get to this point and letting me share my story. It's a beginning. :praying
CalicoCruiser has 4 months Oct.13th!!!!
Welcome to CalicoCruiser!!!! :) Fantastic accomplishment on your four months (tomorrow)!!!! I wanted to post it today, as I don't have a computer tomorrow. lol So glad to meet you!
Day 7: Outside stressors and influences
Well, I made it one full week. A nice accomplishment, but nothing more than a good start.
Today's note is about outside stressors. Certainly I'm faced with some big ones as I may be moving to a new city for a new job. Packing up and going somewhere totally new where I know no one is a possibility. I feel it is a good thing but no doubt it brings stress and rapid thoughts in my mind.
I'm approaching this with a positive attitude. A fresh start could be had in a fresh place.
Outside influences certainly can drive one to take solace in the bottle, but I do not want that to be the case.
Today's note is about outside stressors. Certainly I'm faced with some big ones as I may be moving to a new city for a new job. Packing up and going somewhere totally new where I know no one is a possibility. I feel it is a good thing but no doubt it brings stress and rapid thoughts in my mind.
I'm approaching this with a positive attitude. A fresh start could be had in a fresh place.
Outside influences certainly can drive one to take solace in the bottle, but I do not want that to be the case.
One year today!
It is one year today that I quit drinking. I want to thank God, my family, my friends and all the support I have gotten through this site. My counselor told me that it is quite an accomplishment to have done this without the help of A.A. She also told me that only 5% of people quit drinking for good.
I feel so lucky that I have reached this day. It has been a long year. And it was not that hard of a fight for me because I was so strong. I think by working in the bars and seeing how people get so drunk reaffirmed my commitment every week. For the most part I feel good. I still deal with anxiety every day but I have learned to cope with it. I have lost wieght and look good. I still don't sleep well but it has gotten better.
To those who are trying to quit or have just quit. Keep the faith. It does get better. Peace.
I feel so lucky that I have reached this day. It has been a long year. And it was not that hard of a fight for me because I was so strong. I think by working in the bars and seeing how people get so drunk reaffirmed my commitment every week. For the most part I feel good. I still deal with anxiety every day but I have learned to cope with it. I have lost wieght and look good. I still don't sleep well but it has gotten better.
To those who are trying to quit or have just quit. Keep the faith. It does get better. Peace.
