Archive for the ‘Acquaintances’ tag
Confused - am I out of line??
Newbie here. Middle aged widow.
I have a close friend (male middle aged batchelor) who is like family to me and my (grown) kids. He is very soft hearted and, I think, a bit niave in some ways. He is very sociable and has a wide variety of acquaintances and friends. He's been an acquaintance for years but I've just begun a perhaps romantic relationship with him.
Recently, I was over at his place when he received a call from a friend (lets call her susie) that upset him greatly. Off the phone, he says that this woman has cut her wrist, wants him to come over. (I've never met her or her husband - who, it turns out, is out of town and not available.)
My instant response is anger at what I immediately sense is a huge, unhealthy, manipulative play.
I suggest that perhaps he should call an ambulance as this kind of thing needs a professional response and who knows what else she may have done.
To make a long story short, we get there, she is drunk, belligerent, controlling, angry that an ambulance has been called and has a superficial cut on her wrist (that still worries my completely non-medical friend) and is PO'd at me because I won't come in and sit down. EMT's and police arrive and she goes to the hospital. (While I was downstairs letting them in, she actually asked my friend what he would have done if she hadn't actually cut her wrist? He said that he would have kicked her a** around the block.)
After all this, I was still PO'd at her because I could see that my friend was still horribly worried. He, in turn, was ticked off at me for being callous when he thought that I was a 'good person.' I say that people like susie create nothing but trouble for others - notice that we are arguing about her for starters!! (He says, perhaps so, as it turns out she (but not her husband) has been banned from the neighbourhood pub where he met them.) But he says that she has a history of depression and he thinks that this happened because she got depressed. I maintain that not all depressed people are manipulative drunks and he thinks that calling her a 'drunk' is harsh. I say that anyone who gets drunk by themselves and pulls this kind of nonsense qualifies as a potential 'drunk' in my view.
I mentioned this in passing to another acquaintance who said semi-jokingly that if my friend wants to befriend susie, that he should check out alanon - which I googled and found this forum.
Am I out of line? If a romance with this fellow comes with these kinds of friends I'm thinking that this would be more baggage than I could handle.
Maybe because he didn't ever raise kids, he didn't ever have to completely cut such people out of his life???? Or have I become just a callous snob?
If I hadn't had the beginnings of romantic feelings for this fellow who I know is a good person and whom I've known for years, I would just shrug it off. As it is, though I'm not angry any more, I am still in a bit of a stew over this incident.
I have a close friend (male middle aged batchelor) who is like family to me and my (grown) kids. He is very soft hearted and, I think, a bit niave in some ways. He is very sociable and has a wide variety of acquaintances and friends. He's been an acquaintance for years but I've just begun a perhaps romantic relationship with him.
Recently, I was over at his place when he received a call from a friend (lets call her susie) that upset him greatly. Off the phone, he says that this woman has cut her wrist, wants him to come over. (I've never met her or her husband - who, it turns out, is out of town and not available.)
My instant response is anger at what I immediately sense is a huge, unhealthy, manipulative play.
I suggest that perhaps he should call an ambulance as this kind of thing needs a professional response and who knows what else she may have done.
To make a long story short, we get there, she is drunk, belligerent, controlling, angry that an ambulance has been called and has a superficial cut on her wrist (that still worries my completely non-medical friend) and is PO'd at me because I won't come in and sit down. EMT's and police arrive and she goes to the hospital. (While I was downstairs letting them in, she actually asked my friend what he would have done if she hadn't actually cut her wrist? He said that he would have kicked her a** around the block.)
After all this, I was still PO'd at her because I could see that my friend was still horribly worried. He, in turn, was ticked off at me for being callous when he thought that I was a 'good person.' I say that people like susie create nothing but trouble for others - notice that we are arguing about her for starters!! (He says, perhaps so, as it turns out she (but not her husband) has been banned from the neighbourhood pub where he met them.) But he says that she has a history of depression and he thinks that this happened because she got depressed. I maintain that not all depressed people are manipulative drunks and he thinks that calling her a 'drunk' is harsh. I say that anyone who gets drunk by themselves and pulls this kind of nonsense qualifies as a potential 'drunk' in my view.
I mentioned this in passing to another acquaintance who said semi-jokingly that if my friend wants to befriend susie, that he should check out alanon - which I googled and found this forum.
Am I out of line? If a romance with this fellow comes with these kinds of friends I'm thinking that this would be more baggage than I could handle.
Maybe because he didn't ever raise kids, he didn't ever have to completely cut such people out of his life???? Or have I become just a callous snob?
If I hadn't had the beginnings of romantic feelings for this fellow who I know is a good person and whom I've known for years, I would just shrug it off. As it is, though I'm not angry any more, I am still in a bit of a stew over this incident.
Unexpected Changes?
I have figured out that the social aspect of quitting alcohol is big for me. First, telling (or not telling people) that I've quit is difficult sometimes. My party buddies don't know what kind of relationship we need to have if I don't drink. Acquaintances think I have a "defect". Family- don'e even go there- they were in such denial of my problem that they are in total shock (oh really?!?).
And if it's not enough to see and be concerned about other people's reactions to it- then there's ME!! I'm not the funniest person in the room anymore. I get bored at our social gatherings and find myself going home pretty early. I don't have so much to say as I did. Right now, I think I'm just boring.
I didn't realize that a part of recovery and staying sober would be creating a sober "social life". I think I thought it meant just never drinking again but, it's bigger than that. I'm starting to realize that, for me, that includes finding new interests and new friends.
I'm wondering what others have discovered like that. What else did you have to do or change that you really didn't expect? What parts of your life were affected or altered that was a surprise to you? How did you feel about going through it then and how do you feel about it now?
Why isn't just quitting drinking enough? (I know the answer to that quesion for myself, it just feels better to ask the universe to answer it for me).
And if it's not enough to see and be concerned about other people's reactions to it- then there's ME!! I'm not the funniest person in the room anymore. I get bored at our social gatherings and find myself going home pretty early. I don't have so much to say as I did. Right now, I think I'm just boring.
I didn't realize that a part of recovery and staying sober would be creating a sober "social life". I think I thought it meant just never drinking again but, it's bigger than that. I'm starting to realize that, for me, that includes finding new interests and new friends.
I'm wondering what others have discovered like that. What else did you have to do or change that you really didn't expect? What parts of your life were affected or altered that was a surprise to you? How did you feel about going through it then and how do you feel about it now?
Why isn't just quitting drinking enough? (I know the answer to that quesion for myself, it just feels better to ask the universe to answer it for me).
