Archive for the ‘Adn’ tag
chance # 2 tomorrow
well, i called the apartment complex i am looking to move into, not expecting to get an apartment, but at least to be put on the waiting list because it can be hard to get an apartment there.
i called and the first time i was told i was on the waiting list but they didn't have any 1 bedrooms at the time. i called back and asked about 2 bedrooms also and was put on the list for that.
so, i then resided myself to the fact that i was staying put where i'm at and was okay with that. AH was nice this morning even though he drank last night and was charming (of course, it is like they have a sick sense when something is going on...grrr) i was reminded of the things i love about him. also, he stated again that he was going to set up marriage counseling with the pastor at the church he has been going to.
wouldn't you know, then my phone rang. message to call the apartment complex... i called, it was the very same woman i talked to before that had went out of her way and pulled strings so i could move in then months ago if i wanted. she said she had remembered me and our conversation adn that she could get me into a two bedroom now. it is more money, but i would have a place to store my stuff. i have absolutely no idea how i will manage to pay for it and morgage while the house is not sold and i still cannot see myself taking the furniture out of the house, it still seems so cold to me.
and, God forbid, what if i leave and the worst happens and somehow he does kill himself? how do i live with that? how do i live with the guilt if he gets worse and gets really sick or kills himself drinking and driving..anything - i just feel like i need to make sure he is okay all the time and protect him. i really struggle with abandoning him. i really do.
soo,,, i told her i would come look tomorrow. i just don't know if i can actually go through with signing the lease.
AH is drinking again tonight. i did not tell him i was looking at the place tomorrow, but i did ask him if he knew i was going to move out if he would stop. he asked no, how many times have you told me you would move out and you can't afford to do it anyway.
i really don't know if i'm ready or not. part of me thinks i am and part thinks i'm not. part of me thinks i have to and it is a really good idea...the other part thinks no, now you have to give this counseling a try. you owe it to him.
so, don't know what tomorrow will bring, except, that i will really be disappointed and defeated again, if, once again, i don't have the courage to do it.
i called and the first time i was told i was on the waiting list but they didn't have any 1 bedrooms at the time. i called back and asked about 2 bedrooms also and was put on the list for that.
so, i then resided myself to the fact that i was staying put where i'm at and was okay with that. AH was nice this morning even though he drank last night and was charming (of course, it is like they have a sick sense when something is going on...grrr) i was reminded of the things i love about him. also, he stated again that he was going to set up marriage counseling with the pastor at the church he has been going to.
wouldn't you know, then my phone rang. message to call the apartment complex... i called, it was the very same woman i talked to before that had went out of her way and pulled strings so i could move in then months ago if i wanted. she said she had remembered me and our conversation adn that she could get me into a two bedroom now. it is more money, but i would have a place to store my stuff. i have absolutely no idea how i will manage to pay for it and morgage while the house is not sold and i still cannot see myself taking the furniture out of the house, it still seems so cold to me.
and, God forbid, what if i leave and the worst happens and somehow he does kill himself? how do i live with that? how do i live with the guilt if he gets worse and gets really sick or kills himself drinking and driving..anything - i just feel like i need to make sure he is okay all the time and protect him. i really struggle with abandoning him. i really do.
soo,,, i told her i would come look tomorrow. i just don't know if i can actually go through with signing the lease.
AH is drinking again tonight. i did not tell him i was looking at the place tomorrow, but i did ask him if he knew i was going to move out if he would stop. he asked no, how many times have you told me you would move out and you can't afford to do it anyway.
i really don't know if i'm ready or not. part of me thinks i am and part thinks i'm not. part of me thinks i have to and it is a really good idea...the other part thinks no, now you have to give this counseling a try. you owe it to him.
so, don't know what tomorrow will bring, except, that i will really be disappointed and defeated again, if, once again, i don't have the courage to do it.
muscle spasms/suboxone
:wtf2
When I was taking my oxys I would get muscle spasms all over my body periodically each night, adn they increased in number when I took higher doses. I'm on suboxone now and have been for about a month. I'm noticing tonight, or rather I've known it but just really thought about it tonight, that I am still having twitches/spasms. It's like I'm hyperreflexive also--when I walk through my living room the cord is hanging down from the overhead fan, if it lightly bumps my head I have a bigger reaction to it than most peole (make sense?). I'm just wondering what is causing this. The only way I would think it's the subs causing it is because of the interaction with the opiate receptors in a way similar to what my oxys did--could my opiate receptors be overly sensitive and a little touchy? :c003: Any suggestions or thoughts greatly appreciate.
When I was taking my oxys I would get muscle spasms all over my body periodically each night, adn they increased in number when I took higher doses. I'm on suboxone now and have been for about a month. I'm noticing tonight, or rather I've known it but just really thought about it tonight, that I am still having twitches/spasms. It's like I'm hyperreflexive also--when I walk through my living room the cord is hanging down from the overhead fan, if it lightly bumps my head I have a bigger reaction to it than most peole (make sense?). I'm just wondering what is causing this. The only way I would think it's the subs causing it is because of the interaction with the opiate receptors in a way similar to what my oxys did--could my opiate receptors be overly sensitive and a little touchy? :c003: Any suggestions or thoughts greatly appreciate.
Need help helping others understand mental health
Hi everyone! I have posted infrequently in this forum as I am a dual-diagnosis with opiate addiction adn spend most of my time there. But now I need help from those of you with experience.
I have suffered with depression since I was a child, but did not start anti-d until I was 25. I was a very moody child, had middle-child syndrome to the tee!. So I stayed on anti-d for a few years then decided to stop. Go figure I chose to go off them at one of the worst times in my family's life, but I got through it. But afterwards I sank into a deep depression adn started up again. I have been on more anti-d than I can count. A few years ago I was diagnosed as bipolar II. I don't know if I just was in denial that I was anything other than depression, but I was very hesitant about taking any other meds. I ended up agreeing on a few different mood stabilizer (not anti-psychotics). My friends knew I struggled, and my lows were so low that I would call in to work for a 1 at a time (I'm an RN). I started abusing medications like nyquil and other OTC drugs similar (cough medicine). If I had bronchitis I always asks for tussinex--a great codein cough medicine. HHowever, it did' tbother me once I ran out--did' feel like i needed it. Until I start taking pills, that's where it all went down hill and I've abused opiate for the last 2 years--up to 20-40 15mg oxys daily. I would work high, everyday of my life I had to be loaded up in order to be able to get anything done. It was when I finally emotionally collapsed and revealed it to my family that my life was coming to an end. I did not think I could ever be functional again. Fortuatnely now, I am living at my parent's house--2 hours away from where I was living.
The point of starting this thread (that I almost forgot!) Is that my best friend is having a realy hard time understanding why I can't just pull up my bootstraps and suck it up (my 2 least fav sayings!). I've tried explaining it in al ways possible but she really isn't getting it. She thinks that I am allowing myself stay depressed and I'm not going out there trying to get better. I told her she had no clue how bad I was when I went to detox. I truly felt like I wold never feel better at anytime in my lifef. She is a very religious person, and I think this is what makes a difference as well. However, the problem I have with her not understanding is that she was bulemic up until a few years ago. Bulemia , like drugs ancohol is a disease as well. Really I'm just asking for help from anyone who they have had to explain this to. I livein FL and was supposed to go see her in Chicago this past Wed. I decided on Tues night that I couldn't go--I didn't feel physically (from the drugs) or mentally (from teh depression). I had a conversation ont he phone with her on Tuesday and I think that is what made me call off the trip--she just reiterated how I need to suck it up and look at eachday as a gift. That is so much easier said than done. I do try to do that, but you hit rock bttom, things aren't going to change in the blink of an eye. Also. she does not believe that mental health issues are considered diseaes. the real problem I hav with this is that sh was bulemic for years--aren't eatin diorders considred disease as well? I'mjust confused becuae I am heart broken that I didn't go up there--I told her it's because I just still don't feel strong enough. Her 2 yr old girl is my godaughter who I have seen only times. She also has a 1 yr old girl that I haven't seen since she was 2 weeks old. My friend was doing everything possible to keep my day dull so that I would not have too much downtime. I think if we had had a better talk the day before I was to leave, it may have been differen, but because she was still not truly realizing the severit of what happened, I was feeling like I may disappoint her up there if I were to have a bad day or deal with strong need to use.
So, after this rambling, does anyone have any suggestions on approaching this with her? We've been best friends for so long and she has been there with me through some rough times. No one, not even here, knew about the addiction until I was told I had to go to detox. then only my family and 2 choice friends found out about it. Actually I was so nervous about tellig her I could'nt even call her for a week because I as ashamed. So, my qusestion to you all, if you are willing to help, is to give me some guidance on how to handle this situation. i want her to understand so badly. I helped her the best I could through her eating disorder, and she credits me with helping her. Any and all suggestions are appreciated!!1
I have suffered with depression since I was a child, but did not start anti-d until I was 25. I was a very moody child, had middle-child syndrome to the tee!. So I stayed on anti-d for a few years then decided to stop. Go figure I chose to go off them at one of the worst times in my family's life, but I got through it. But afterwards I sank into a deep depression adn started up again. I have been on more anti-d than I can count. A few years ago I was diagnosed as bipolar II. I don't know if I just was in denial that I was anything other than depression, but I was very hesitant about taking any other meds. I ended up agreeing on a few different mood stabilizer (not anti-psychotics). My friends knew I struggled, and my lows were so low that I would call in to work for a 1 at a time (I'm an RN). I started abusing medications like nyquil and other OTC drugs similar (cough medicine). If I had bronchitis I always asks for tussinex--a great codein cough medicine. HHowever, it did' tbother me once I ran out--did' feel like i needed it. Until I start taking pills, that's where it all went down hill and I've abused opiate for the last 2 years--up to 20-40 15mg oxys daily. I would work high, everyday of my life I had to be loaded up in order to be able to get anything done. It was when I finally emotionally collapsed and revealed it to my family that my life was coming to an end. I did not think I could ever be functional again. Fortuatnely now, I am living at my parent's house--2 hours away from where I was living.
The point of starting this thread (that I almost forgot!) Is that my best friend is having a realy hard time understanding why I can't just pull up my bootstraps and suck it up (my 2 least fav sayings!). I've tried explaining it in al ways possible but she really isn't getting it. She thinks that I am allowing myself stay depressed and I'm not going out there trying to get better. I told her she had no clue how bad I was when I went to detox. I truly felt like I wold never feel better at anytime in my lifef. She is a very religious person, and I think this is what makes a difference as well. However, the problem I have with her not understanding is that she was bulemic up until a few years ago. Bulemia , like drugs ancohol is a disease as well. Really I'm just asking for help from anyone who they have had to explain this to. I livein FL and was supposed to go see her in Chicago this past Wed. I decided on Tues night that I couldn't go--I didn't feel physically (from the drugs) or mentally (from teh depression). I had a conversation ont he phone with her on Tuesday and I think that is what made me call off the trip--she just reiterated how I need to suck it up and look at eachday as a gift. That is so much easier said than done. I do try to do that, but you hit rock bttom, things aren't going to change in the blink of an eye. Also. she does not believe that mental health issues are considered diseaes. the real problem I hav with this is that sh was bulemic for years--aren't eatin diorders considred disease as well? I'mjust confused becuae I am heart broken that I didn't go up there--I told her it's because I just still don't feel strong enough. Her 2 yr old girl is my godaughter who I have seen only times. She also has a 1 yr old girl that I haven't seen since she was 2 weeks old. My friend was doing everything possible to keep my day dull so that I would not have too much downtime. I think if we had had a better talk the day before I was to leave, it may have been differen, but because she was still not truly realizing the severit of what happened, I was feeling like I may disappoint her up there if I were to have a bad day or deal with strong need to use.
So, after this rambling, does anyone have any suggestions on approaching this with her? We've been best friends for so long and she has been there with me through some rough times. No one, not even here, knew about the addiction until I was told I had to go to detox. then only my family and 2 choice friends found out about it. Actually I was so nervous about tellig her I could'nt even call her for a week because I as ashamed. So, my qusestion to you all, if you are willing to help, is to give me some guidance on how to handle this situation. i want her to understand so badly. I helped her the best I could through her eating disorder, and she credits me with helping her. Any and all suggestions are appreciated!!1
holiday blues
I posted about a month ago and much to my suprise, I lasted 11 days without alcohol - this for me was a major achievement. Like so many here, it didn't last, although for some weeks after I started ti drink, I was drinking a lot less, eating more, sleeping more, playng sport and being generally more motivated. I was living in a fools paradise if I thought it could last. I literally have just got back from holidays - which although was a fantastic time, realy kicked in the alcoholic behaviour. It was sunny, my girlfriend was drinking, daytime drinking is positively encouraged. Quite a lot of the bar staff apllaud your drunkeness and buy you free drinks. For 'normal' drinkers this may be OK, but not for me - lots of late nights, noon waking and right back on the booze. I was even so drunk one night I did what I have not done in two years and wet the bed. I have always been ashamed of this and thankfully (or not on another level!) the place we stayed at put us in twin beds. I turned the mattress over and re-made it and slept two to a single bed. I lived in constant fear my girlfriend would find it adn even though she did not, am living in constant fear that the room cleaners will. I am so ashamed. I have told no one. I think when I was on holiday, esepcially during the last few days, I was drinking at least 12 pints over as many hours.
In short I am back to square one and giving another shot at it, so day one starts now. I am sick of leading the double life, of hiding things, of lying blantently about my drinking. If I had 8 pints, then I would swear blind I had 4. I am not a liar by nature but find I go to some lengths to keep it a secret. I fear being judged and rejected. Its utterly time and energy consuming and highly stressful, which in turn makes you want to drink more. And the sleepless nights - worrying and scared of everything, unable to switch the brain off - hence the need to drink. Small things become huge possible disasters.
Despite feeling low, tired and physically unwell from the last week, I feel encouraged to do that which I know I can do. I'll take one moment at a time, then maybe a minute, then an hour. Slow steps.
Its difficult with so many events coming up at the moment, where I would drink and that I cant realy get out of. Its difficult sometimes as my girlfriend does like to drink and will often take my lead (i.e. if I drink, she drinks) although she knows how to control it - unlike me.
Have slept about 2 hours this night and need to be up for work in 2 hours. I doubt I will sleep again tonight but I was lying in bed with all this going on in my head and realy needed to get it out. Its helped just to write it down.
Thanks
In short I am back to square one and giving another shot at it, so day one starts now. I am sick of leading the double life, of hiding things, of lying blantently about my drinking. If I had 8 pints, then I would swear blind I had 4. I am not a liar by nature but find I go to some lengths to keep it a secret. I fear being judged and rejected. Its utterly time and energy consuming and highly stressful, which in turn makes you want to drink more. And the sleepless nights - worrying and scared of everything, unable to switch the brain off - hence the need to drink. Small things become huge possible disasters.
Despite feeling low, tired and physically unwell from the last week, I feel encouraged to do that which I know I can do. I'll take one moment at a time, then maybe a minute, then an hour. Slow steps.
Its difficult with so many events coming up at the moment, where I would drink and that I cant realy get out of. Its difficult sometimes as my girlfriend does like to drink and will often take my lead (i.e. if I drink, she drinks) although she knows how to control it - unlike me.
Have slept about 2 hours this night and need to be up for work in 2 hours. I doubt I will sleep again tonight but I was lying in bed with all this going on in my head and realy needed to get it out. Its helped just to write it down.
Thanks
fellowship
I have recently came to understand what the meaning of fellowship means in the program. the other day i went to my homegroup meetings and I have not been there in awhile do to working and haveing my son and I only get to see him twice a month. The other members of my home group came up to me and asked where have I been what I have been doing and so forth. This really meant alot to me cause I have never had anyone that has called me out on my stuff or careed about me and my sobriety. Even though i talk to my sponsor everyday it was different. I love my homegroup and going to meetings. No matter if I am haveing a great day or not I still love going cause I know I belong and always learning something new. I knew when I was drinking that no one out there cared for me as much as they do and it is a wonderfull feeling. It makes getting up everyday much more of a pleasure adn i know if I have any problems that i can go and talk to these people and they will help with open minds.
I think I’m o.k!!!!
It's my 16th day sober and two of those days were really really bad but I didn't run to the bar and I finally called my mother and was honest about things with her and I feel good inside! I think I'm going to be o.k!! Sobriety feels better then I even thought! I had no idea I was living in a such a fog adn now that things are so clear I'm amazed by how beautiful everything is. Each feeling is a new one I didn't have before! I'm loving this.
Paula (Autumn78)
Paula (Autumn78)
