Drug Rehab Options Blog

Hi

I wanted to strart this post as I have been drinking all my adult life (now 37). I went to AA, counselling, and tried to deal with alcoholism myself too unsuccessfully. I was always depressed about what i thought was the drinking.

2 months ago i decided it might be time to start thinking about how to end my life as it really was not living anymore and i could not get any better. At this point i decided i would have one more shot at it and went to a counseller.

I've been going for 2 times a week ever since and have been sober with no real hard cravings like when i tried to give up myself. I think in some way it has helped me to be told that i have been self medicating using alcohol to either in some part deal with the anxiety/depression/social anxiety and to some extent the issues i have with myself, which i am addressing now and will continue to do so at counselling.

I was prescribed anti-depressants (seroxat or paxil as it is known in the states), anatabuse and an anti anxiety pill for the weeks coming off booze.

I want to start this thread as i wanted to get some feedback on the above and also wanted to discuss users questions about my road to recovery which has, and i know will be now, successful. Fears on medication etc.

I would never have really considered what i have done to get to being able to sit here happy and posting in a sane frame of mind, post away please:-)

I?m back because you guys were so non-judgmental with my first post. I think that I have the courage to post another, if you don't mind. I?m sorry that my posts will be all about me and that you will only get to see the crap side of Christin. I just need a place where I don?t need to be the encouraging, wise, and together one. Hope that?s okay.

I?m still trying to figure out why I decided to post on a sobriety site. Maybe, deep down I want someone to tell me (no, better put CONVINCE me) that the highs that I remember were never that great so that the desire I feel might just go away for good. I don't know if I can be convinced because a part of me doesn't want to be convinced. It's comforting (in a turmoiling kind of a way) to believe that they were that good, even though I know that I could never again know it. Maybe I'm posting here just because I want a place where I can confess these things that I?ve struggled with on and off all my adult life but have never told to anyone. I hate the way that I feel inside right now. But, I don?t feel like I?m in a place to make it all go away. I appreciate the suggestions for counseling. Am I the only one who doesn't benefit from counseling? Please... it's face to face, guys. I've got an image to maintain. It's not some whim of an image. It's what makes me who I am and who everyone knows me to be. It's the one constant that has kept me from screwing my life up royally and has enabled me not to drink for 20 years and not get high for an equal many years. It's been my blessing in disguise.

Confession time. My eighteen-year-old is drinking heavily and smoking weed. I?ve ?known? it for about a year, but he?s denied it of course. However, an appearance ticket arrived in the mail this past week. I am angry because of the choices that he is making and I worry for him because he is so much like me (but I tried so hard to be a good mother ? how could he be so broken inside?). He has abundant opportunities to score, which I never had. That is really scarey! That?s not my confession, though. God forgive me and please don?t loathe me as I admit something really pathetic. I?m jealous (that admission will make pushing the post button way hard!). I?m envious of society excusing youthful impetuousness and I begrudge the fact that my son is able to do what I struggle against because he has an excuse that is denied to me. Like I said, pathetic.

Please don?t lambaste me, even though I deserve it. I already have the encouraging, wise, and together Christin saying, ?Snap out of it! My God, you?re posting to a site comprised of people who would love to be in your shoes. Besides, it?s all in your head.? I even know that she?s right and I'm so sorry to all of you who have lived a hell that I have not had to suffer. I wish that I were stronger and that what I feel didn't eat away at my soul. I know that I?ll be able to repress everything and, eventually, I will get to the place where everything will seem balanced again.

Because that is not today, I thank you for the ?company? this Thanksgiving. Even though I?m typing this in bits and pieces on an off-line computer to post when I can get alone on the online one and you have no idea who I am, I feel less alone today as I prepare to feed twenty for Thanksgiving of which I?ll be the most together one, or so everyone thinks because they have to think that, they count on me to be. Again, thanks for listening and for ?keeping company? that part of me that is always alone regardless of how many are around.

...and its so much better than the previous one.

My last drink was on 23rd April 2008...seven months ago a 27 year drinking career ended. The spiral of negativity stopped and a new life started.

Its Sunday morning here in the UK and i was up at 8am without a hangover. Every day I look back and ask myself 'what have I achieved'...I didnt drink, thats what I achieved and I am so proud of myself.

I still get the urge to drink and I doubt that it will ever go away, I dream of alcohol every now and then and when i wake up i get that 'thank god it was only a dream' feeling.

This is an unstoppable train, I have seven months under my belt..the momentum is there to make 8 months. I used to buy my beer/wine in a supermarket up the road...never been in there since, at one point I was embarrassed as they started to recognise me as only buying alcohol.

I was down the beach recently with friends at a party....towards the end it suddenly dawned on me that I was enjoying myself yet I was sober...first time in my adult life..43 years old.

Im not going into the improved physical side of things as they pale into total insignificance compared to the mental battle and daily victories I have achieved..needless to say its been worth it.

This forum has been excellent, to be honest its the first time ive been back in a few months as I had reached a point in my recovery where I felt reading the stories of those who were struggling was actually having an effect on me..almost giving me an excuse to fail as well...I cant really explain it but I appear to be over that obstacle now.

Ive developed a 'routine' , a routine that ensures that I dont drink. This routine is encapsulated in my head and it got me through the summer lets see how it handles Christmas.

Also on a positive side I have actually developed a craving for soft drinks. I need to have those soft drinks every night in place of my alcohol, thats part of my routine...how good is that eh!....I enjoy it,it gives me a different kind of buzz.....who cares if my teeth fall out..:lmao:

In the early stages of my recovery I couldnÂ’t understand how criticism, positive or negative could help me grow in my healing from the disease of addiction. When I was criticizes automatically I went in to a defensive mode. Then came the game of war of words. Right after that came the anger and resentment towards whoever was giving out the criticism. When I felt attacked, I attack back. Sometimes the attack happens only in my mind as I indulge in resentments and fantasies of revenge. My reaction in the past to criticism was simple, Im from Brooklyn I donÂ’t get mad I get even. Today I know that healthy recovering people do not dwell in this type of thinking.

Working the steps, I had a light bulb moment. I started to understand why being criticize was such a big issue in my life. It came from my childhood. Unconsciously I acted out on life because of my childhood wounds. It is not only dysfunctional, it is ridiculous to maintain that what happened in my childhood did not affect my adult life. I had layers upon layers of denial, emotional dishonesty, buried trauma, unfulfilled needs, my heart was broken, my spirit was broken, my beliefs in a Higher Power wounded, I was shamefully criticized.

Some of the choices I made as adult were made in reaction to my childhood wounds. Working my program of recovery and uncovering the truth. I realize when I was being criticize I was reacting and acting out of anger from my childhood wounds. I was giving it the power to control my life. As I let go of my past personalities. I react to criticism with a complete different mindset and attitude.

I am leaning as I go through this journey, where the feelings of Restless, Irritable, and Discontent originated from. With the blessings I receive from working the steps of NA and the strength of my Higher Power. I can start forgiving myself and make amends to the ones I harm in the past. But most of all, I can forgive those who I trusted the most as a child.

In recovery, we say Principles before Personalities. Today I understand that statement with clarity.

Ivan

My boyfriend of almost 3 years is in recovery. He is/was a marijuana addict as well as a tobacco addict which is still hasn't given up. He has been sober for 1 month at this point. This has been a very difficult time for me as his partner. He has told me that he feels like he's been "a shell of a man" for his entire adult life. Numbing any and all of his feelings with marijuana. Now, it is as if he feels like he has to make up for lost time. Where he used to keep his feelings at bay by smoking pot, he now voices every one that comes into his head. Most of them being negative. And a lot of them, issues he has with me. Suddenly, he no longer loves me like he used to. He told me in the past that he wants to get married to me. He has now communicated that this is no longer the truth. This is all a huge shock for me. I was unaware that him and I had such major relationship problems. I was also unaware of how much and how often he was smoking. I knew he smoked somewhat regularly, but it never really bothered me. Now, it's as if my entire world has been turned upside down. I am happy that he quit but sad in the same respect. He is no longer the sweet, selfless person that I fell in love with. I want to help him and I want to be there for him. He just makes it really hard. He has so much anger now. We are seeing a therapist together. She tells me that I am supposed to try and not take the things he says to me personally. I really don't know how to do that. I am miserable. Can anyone offer me some words of advice. I am new to this forum.

Thanks,
Lindsay

Hi there,

I might be posting this in the wrong forum - if so please let me know - but I felt that I need to hear from other alcoholics how your thinking works when you're in the grip of this because I simply don't understand.

I am not an alcoholic, though I do drink. My boyfriend is an alcoholic. He's now my ex. We were together for just over a year and were living together. The whole time, and all his adult life (I've known him since we were teenager, now in our 30s) he has always had a problem with binge drinking and three or four day benders where he doesnÂ’t come home, spends all his money and misses work. Then during the week he continues to drink, just not as much.

This last weekend I had had enough of him not coming home, stealing drinks from me and pretending not to be in the pub when he was etc etc, and packed up all his stuff and asked him to leave. His parents supported me on this – his dad even told me to do it – and say he needs tough love.

The problem is, I feel like I am punishing myself. I miss him terribly and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. When things were good they were brilliant and it was only when he would start drinking that problems happened. If he could conquer this there is no reason why we wouldnÂ’t be together.

I havenÂ’t heard from him since he took his stuff. Maybe heÂ’s fine about it being over? Maybe he never loved me that much? I was kind of hoping this would be the shock he needed to make him make a real change but instead he seems happy to be free to drink more without me to feel guilty about.

What should I do? I never actually told him stop drinking and we have a chance. I just threw him out in anger.

I've been going through an emotional roller coaster. Fits of aggression, anger, depression. I don't even know who I am right now. I've been a heavy pot smoker for 15 years. Although, I'm invigorated by my new found truth, it scares the **** out of me. I have been stoned my entire adult life and am frightened of what I might become if I don't "medicate"

I know I should read the forums to search for tips, but I don't have the energy right now.

This week I feel like I am empty of all empathy. I could care less if I hurt people, especially my girlfriend. I used to be so aware of not hurting peoples feelings, and now I could give a ****.

Does this go away? I hope and pray that it does because I feel like a black hole. I basically watched my girlfriend ball her eyes out for hours and had no reaction at all. Zero. In the past I would have consoled her by holding her, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

I've been faking and lying for so long, I don't know what's real anymore.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated
j

My storyÂ….

I have done these a lot… I have different versions for different audiences… they are all my story. But, they are different parts of ‘my story’. I have stories about growing up in the hills of North Carolina… stories about traveling the world and Europe with my father. I have stories about my abuse as a child. I have stories about growing up the child of sexual abuse. My story about goining a Christian cult…I have stories about being an orphan and put in states custody at the age of 15. I have stories about teenage pregnancy. I have stories about college. I have stories about falling in love with an amazing woman… and going through a marriage that was riddled with co-dependency and my first signs that I could be an abuser as well as abused. I have stories about losing my mother… losing myself shortly after… my story about heavy drug use… my story about S&M… my stories about meeting my husband… my story about maintaining a success work career and being a stellar student.

But, this is none of those stories.

This is my story about my relationship with alcohol.

So, there wasnÂ’t a time in childhood that I was not surrounded by drinking. My uncle was locked up in prison most of his adult life for crimes that were committed while he was drinking.

My mother always had a drinking problem for as long as I can remember. She had me when she was 16 and growing up in the hills of North Carolina that was very common. We were not only poor. We were dirt poor and most of our income came from the state or federal government. It was a life that I always pledged I would not live by. I refused. To me that life felt like ‘failure’. But, back to my mother. She liked to drink for her it was a release from her current life and situation. She would keep drinking almost up to the day she died. She was 49 and had stage 4 ovarian cancer. I was 30.

Up to that point in life. I don’t think I had a drinking ‘problem’. I would drink on the weekends and sometimes I would be mean. But, never abusive to people around me. And, I never drank more then once or twice a month. I was married (not legally) to an amazing woman whom I was deeply in love with and who worshipped me. However, she also enabled me as I did her. That is another story. End the end when my mother passed away I went off the deep end.

I became distant from my wife. Distant from the ones who loved me the most. I had two amazing and beautiful brothers who were 16 and 17 and also losing the only female influence in their life. (I had not lived with them growing up… I was put into foster care as a teenager… yet and still another story.) My marriage feel apart because six weeks after my mothers death my wife told me I needed to “stop using my mother as an excuse…). My drinking started alittle before that. I learned that indeed not only could I be mean. But, I could be physically abusive to someone and not feel sorrow, regret, for it until the next day. This all contributed to the downfall of my marriage.

I left my life in Atlanta and moved to Texas to help my brothers and my father through the transition of losing my mother. In truth I think I also moved because I needed to lose myself for awhile. I had been in a relationship since I was 21 and I was 30. I had no idea who I was or who doing for the longest time. I ended up living in Austin (about an hour from my families house) and dating someone who was a heavy drug user. For three weeks I went on a coke beige. In those three weeksÂ… the memories I have are fuzzy and very surreal. A lot of my memories from that time I have lost. But, that is okay. I am sure I wouldnÂ’t want to remember them anyway. But, in the end I made the decision that I could not lose myself to this drug. I pulled myself up by my bootstraps and I quit. Cold turkeyÂ… that is the only hard drug I have ever doneÂ… other then smoking weedÂ…

While in Texas I lived the single life. I was out at the bars every weekend. I would sometimes drink to much to driveÂ… but, I did anywayÂ… (that has always been a problem.). I was unhappy with my life in Texas it was about my family and I had no friends and no support system. I made the decision to move back to Atlanta. I came back to a wonderful job that loved me and had helped me through the process of losing my mother and were very supportive.

Back in Atlanta I focused on my career. I started earning close to 100K dollars at the age of 32. The AMAZING thing is that my work life has NEVER suffered from my drinking. I would always get up and go into work. I would always guarantee that my living standards were well above what I had in my childhood. I have always been an over achiever in school, social groups, and fundraising.

Now I am at a point in my life and I am realizing that I have always been a social drinker. I have not ever wanted to drink in the middle of the day at work. I donÂ’t feel alcohol calling my name when I am doing something that is not related to that.

My problem is that once I start drinking it is hard for me stop. And, recently while I have been at home I have started sneaking drinks. I always think I can drink more then I really can. And, in truth I can not. I think at 2 that 3 will be enough.. at 4 I think that 5 is enough. And, god help my husband if I donÂ’t get my way. This past Sunday we got kicked out of our favorite bar because he was playing poker and I wanted to go home. I threw a cup across the bar and at the wall. I then got in the car and while he was driving I tried to take the stirring wheel from him, I hit him, I hit the wind shield. We got home the fight continued. I hit him one good time and he slapped the **** out of me. We really did enable each other. And, the next day I woke upÂ… and I criedÂ… because I know this is going to tear us apart. I donÂ’t want to become my mother. I donÂ’t want to have to drink to have a good time. I donÂ’t want to be the person who is such an ******* that my friends donÂ’t want to be around me.

So, this is day three.

And, I am taking it one day at a time.

Thanks for reading and listening.

Saliena