Archive for the ‘Al Anon Meetings’ tag
New to all of it
For the first time in my life I have realized that I need help. I am a young and recent college grad who has a very strong sense of self and have always felt "different." I have realized and that realization has come like a slap in the face, that my feeling "different" is actually me being codependent. I have started researching and reading so much on this and it is truly unbelievable how much I can apply to my own life. I have learned time and time again about this concept of "codependency," but not once ever applied it to my own life. Now that I have I feel like I am so much more aware of it and myself, but what do I do? I am for the first time in my life single and ALONE. After dating many young alcoholics and feeling a failure after ending the relationships, I am finally realizing this pattern that I have created and even how it all started. I definitely don't want any relationship (especially with another alcoholic) as my last 4 year relationship ended just this October. I have a very complicated story and don't want to share all of it quite yet, but I guess I just need some guidance because I go from sort of being able to enjoy myself, to rage that I don't know where it comes from, to a sadness that takes over my whole body to obsessing over everything that is beyond my control. I am seeing a therapist for some insights and an objective point of view and I am also planning to attend Al Anon meetings ASAP. I feel like I am on the right path but just feel so alone, isolated, angry and sick and tired of being sick and tired of the effects of alcoholism and how it has affected my life and those I care about so profoundly. HELP!!!
Need to get this off my chest.
Hi,
I haven't posted in a few months but have continued to attend Nar-Anon and Al-Anon meetings each week.
I am the Mom of a 28 yr old AS. He has been telling me for the past 5-6 weeks that he was holding down 3 diff. PT jobs and staying at a friends house from his Out Patient Rehab group.
I learned today that he does not work at 2 of the three places and that he has not been staying where he told me. He has a new girlfriend (maybe 6 months) and she called me in tears today saying he has been borrowing money from her (which she's been borrowing from her parents) and all the while telling her I was going to pay it back. I have been giving him money as well.
The story and lies go on and on, but the bottom line is, while on the one hand I want to HATE myself for doing the wrong thing, on the other hand I say "He's my son, he told me these amazing stories about what he needed money for and I so badly wanted to believe him and help him."
He claims he is going to come to my work tomorrow morning with a paycheck that he will sign over to me. I said if he didn't I would call the cops and report my car (which he is using) stolen. I know, it would have been easier to not give him the money than have to go through the bartering and threats. But I thought I was helping him to have a place to sleep for a few more nights, or that's what he convinced me of as we were standing out in the cold parking lot of the grocery store.
I don't expect anyone to solve my problem. I just needed to vent in an attempt to lessen the obsession about it tonight. I called and talked to one of my Al-Anon group members as well - she talked me through a couple of ideas to use. I would appreciate support though and hope that as I continue my journey I will find the strength and courage to let my HP in and put my life in his hands. I apologize to anyone I offend by not being as strong as I should be, including my HP!
Thanks,
Joan
I haven't posted in a few months but have continued to attend Nar-Anon and Al-Anon meetings each week.
I am the Mom of a 28 yr old AS. He has been telling me for the past 5-6 weeks that he was holding down 3 diff. PT jobs and staying at a friends house from his Out Patient Rehab group.
I learned today that he does not work at 2 of the three places and that he has not been staying where he told me. He has a new girlfriend (maybe 6 months) and she called me in tears today saying he has been borrowing money from her (which she's been borrowing from her parents) and all the while telling her I was going to pay it back. I have been giving him money as well.
The story and lies go on and on, but the bottom line is, while on the one hand I want to HATE myself for doing the wrong thing, on the other hand I say "He's my son, he told me these amazing stories about what he needed money for and I so badly wanted to believe him and help him."
He claims he is going to come to my work tomorrow morning with a paycheck that he will sign over to me. I said if he didn't I would call the cops and report my car (which he is using) stolen. I know, it would have been easier to not give him the money than have to go through the bartering and threats. But I thought I was helping him to have a place to sleep for a few more nights, or that's what he convinced me of as we were standing out in the cold parking lot of the grocery store.
I don't expect anyone to solve my problem. I just needed to vent in an attempt to lessen the obsession about it tonight. I called and talked to one of my Al-Anon group members as well - she talked me through a couple of ideas to use. I would appreciate support though and hope that as I continue my journey I will find the strength and courage to let my HP in and put my life in his hands. I apologize to anyone I offend by not being as strong as I should be, including my HP!
Thanks,
Joan
Hello - new from the UK!
Hi everyone
I've just joined - my mum admitted she was an alcoholic four weeks ago this sunday, so this is all quite new to us as a family, i havent been to any al-anon meetings or anything, i just wanted to find people i could talk to her. My mum has drank as long as i can remember, and my sister, who is almost 7 years older than me, says the same.
Some of the things she has done were bad, but she has also been through a lot in her life, and its been hard to reconcile everything, but i'm really proud of her for finally admitting it, and getting help. My sister and i have attended a couple of AA meetings with her and found them fascinating, and very humbling. They have also been filled with some of the nicest people i have ever had the pleasure to meet.
I don't really know how to finish this off, i just wanted to make my first post and introduce myself to people. I think there's going to be a lot of issues for me to work through, so i'm hoping to have impartial people to talk to!!
I've just joined - my mum admitted she was an alcoholic four weeks ago this sunday, so this is all quite new to us as a family, i havent been to any al-anon meetings or anything, i just wanted to find people i could talk to her. My mum has drank as long as i can remember, and my sister, who is almost 7 years older than me, says the same.
Some of the things she has done were bad, but she has also been through a lot in her life, and its been hard to reconcile everything, but i'm really proud of her for finally admitting it, and getting help. My sister and i have attended a couple of AA meetings with her and found them fascinating, and very humbling. They have also been filled with some of the nicest people i have ever had the pleasure to meet.
I don't really know how to finish this off, i just wanted to make my first post and introduce myself to people. I think there's going to be a lot of issues for me to work through, so i'm hoping to have impartial people to talk to!!
Husband doesn’t want to hear it.
I hope this is a good place to post my question. I thought you guys might be the best people to give me the straight answer.
I'm nine and three-quarter months sober. I am very active in my recovery - attend aftercare once a week, attend 1-2 AA meetings a week, meet with my sponsor regularly, am working the steps and am in individual therapy. I really want to do this right and I never want to relapse. I am horribly sorry for the pain I put my husband through.
My husband has stated he forgives me but that he still has very painful memories and feelings. We go to marriage therapy every other week. He has gone to 1 or 2 Al-Anon meetings and says it is "not for me." Other than the bi-weekly marriage therapy, he is doing nothing to help himself resolve the lingering pain and the issues of trust between us.
I have given him passwords to my phone and email and here. I am trying to transparent. (I lied about my drinking.)
Today, we went to a restaurant for lunch together and it was one he knew I used to drink at. In a way, I'd asked him to meet me there because it was time to destroy the mistique of the restaurant and go back as a sober person. They all know me and were very friendly.
I was excited to be able to go to the restaurant and not drink and have a nice lunch. But I could tell my husband was not as thrilled. I asked him about it and he said he was unpleasantly reminded of that whole time in our lives and all the pain and also all the wasted money (my excessive spending on booze).
I said I was sorry that going there and talking about it was hurtful to him. That I couldn't help being excited and happy when I see my own recovery working. But that I would try to be more sensitive to his feelings in the future.
That's why I'm here posting. Is it appropriate that I protect him from my enthusiasm in recovery? (Sometimes, he really doesn't seem to want to hear tidbits about my group or my meetings either.) Why do you think he hasn't gone to Al-Anon? Do you think that's related to the pain he still feels when I talk about my recovery? What can I do to help?
Thanks so much. Any ideas are welcome. Don't worry about hurting my feelings or anything. I really want to know what you think.
- mle
I'm nine and three-quarter months sober. I am very active in my recovery - attend aftercare once a week, attend 1-2 AA meetings a week, meet with my sponsor regularly, am working the steps and am in individual therapy. I really want to do this right and I never want to relapse. I am horribly sorry for the pain I put my husband through.
My husband has stated he forgives me but that he still has very painful memories and feelings. We go to marriage therapy every other week. He has gone to 1 or 2 Al-Anon meetings and says it is "not for me." Other than the bi-weekly marriage therapy, he is doing nothing to help himself resolve the lingering pain and the issues of trust between us.
I have given him passwords to my phone and email and here. I am trying to transparent. (I lied about my drinking.)
Today, we went to a restaurant for lunch together and it was one he knew I used to drink at. In a way, I'd asked him to meet me there because it was time to destroy the mistique of the restaurant and go back as a sober person. They all know me and were very friendly.
I was excited to be able to go to the restaurant and not drink and have a nice lunch. But I could tell my husband was not as thrilled. I asked him about it and he said he was unpleasantly reminded of that whole time in our lives and all the pain and also all the wasted money (my excessive spending on booze).
I said I was sorry that going there and talking about it was hurtful to him. That I couldn't help being excited and happy when I see my own recovery working. But that I would try to be more sensitive to his feelings in the future.
That's why I'm here posting. Is it appropriate that I protect him from my enthusiasm in recovery? (Sometimes, he really doesn't seem to want to hear tidbits about my group or my meetings either.) Why do you think he hasn't gone to Al-Anon? Do you think that's related to the pain he still feels when I talk about my recovery? What can I do to help?
Thanks so much. Any ideas are welcome. Don't worry about hurting my feelings or anything. I really want to know what you think.
- mle
Need some objective opinions
I have only posted here once or twice, but I am pretty much a daily lurker. IÂ’m your classic ACOA co-dependent married to an alcoholic. I moved out in March of this year after having enough of living with the behavior of my AH. IÂ’ve been to some Al-Anon meetings but mainly use this board for support. To be honest, IÂ’ve found it much more helpful than the meetings IÂ’ve been to, and IÂ’m not much of a meeting person. My therapist also has been very helpful for me in my codie recovery, as well as encouraging what I learn from Al-Anon & Melodie Beatty readings.
Anyway, here’s a little background & then my dilemma … I’ve been going to therapy since Spring ’07, first we went as a couple, then AH dropped out, but I continued on my own in January ’08. I had felt like I’m making some real progress in my recovery, despite a major codie relapse over Halloween weekend (more on that later.) My AH constantly asks me to go out with him, usually to bars, sometimes to dinner & then bars afterward. At first, I went with him (he really doesn’t have any close friends but me & I felt bad for him since I moved out – how codie is that?!) AH started going to an individual therapist who was supposed to help him with his drinking, and a few months ago we started marriage counseling again with a new therapist. His therapist & the marriage counselor seem to think it’s OK for AH to continue drinking, as long as he’s cutting back, and the marriage counselor even suggested I go out with him & let him drink but I leave if I feel uncomfortable with how much he’s had. My therapist, on the other hand, suggested that I not drink with him at all b/c it’s enabling him to continue drinking. I felt really caught between a rock & a hard place, as I wanted to try & work on the marriage, so I went with the marriage counselor’s advice. Over Halloween weekend, AH came out & joined me & a friend & then I stupidly invited him out the next night to listen to one of our favorite bands. Needless to say, AH did not cut back on his drinking either night; it was like old times watching him in action. And like old times, I let it happen & didn’t leave even though I was uncomfortable. By the end of the weekend, I felt stressed & anxious & mad at myself for letting it all transpire. I talked with AH last night about it & said I didn’t think we should drink together any more period. He wasn’t happy with that suggestion (big surprise). We talked about it again today in our marriage counseling session, and the counselor suggested I still go out with him but leave or tell him when I’m uncomfortable.
Everything I’ve read points me in the direction that if you have a drinking problem, you shouldn’t drink. But, 2 of the therapists seem to think it’s OK for him to be an actively drinking alcoholic, as long as he’s cutting back. I think by continuing the behavior, he’s not suffering consequences for his actions, and I foresee the behavior all rolling back in again. He’s practically begging me to move back in, but I’ve told him we’re not ready, and I don’t think we’ve made much progress. I even gave him money (my mistake) to get a prescription for Campral filled more than a month ago. I learned today he spent that money on “other things’ & hasn’t filled the prescription yet. I just don’t think he’s getting it, and I know I’m partly to blame by my enabling behavior. Am I right, though, in thinking an actively drinking A probably won’t ever get it under control? Any advice/suggestions are appreciated.
Anyway, here’s a little background & then my dilemma … I’ve been going to therapy since Spring ’07, first we went as a couple, then AH dropped out, but I continued on my own in January ’08. I had felt like I’m making some real progress in my recovery, despite a major codie relapse over Halloween weekend (more on that later.) My AH constantly asks me to go out with him, usually to bars, sometimes to dinner & then bars afterward. At first, I went with him (he really doesn’t have any close friends but me & I felt bad for him since I moved out – how codie is that?!) AH started going to an individual therapist who was supposed to help him with his drinking, and a few months ago we started marriage counseling again with a new therapist. His therapist & the marriage counselor seem to think it’s OK for AH to continue drinking, as long as he’s cutting back, and the marriage counselor even suggested I go out with him & let him drink but I leave if I feel uncomfortable with how much he’s had. My therapist, on the other hand, suggested that I not drink with him at all b/c it’s enabling him to continue drinking. I felt really caught between a rock & a hard place, as I wanted to try & work on the marriage, so I went with the marriage counselor’s advice. Over Halloween weekend, AH came out & joined me & a friend & then I stupidly invited him out the next night to listen to one of our favorite bands. Needless to say, AH did not cut back on his drinking either night; it was like old times watching him in action. And like old times, I let it happen & didn’t leave even though I was uncomfortable. By the end of the weekend, I felt stressed & anxious & mad at myself for letting it all transpire. I talked with AH last night about it & said I didn’t think we should drink together any more period. He wasn’t happy with that suggestion (big surprise). We talked about it again today in our marriage counseling session, and the counselor suggested I still go out with him but leave or tell him when I’m uncomfortable.
Everything I’ve read points me in the direction that if you have a drinking problem, you shouldn’t drink. But, 2 of the therapists seem to think it’s OK for him to be an actively drinking alcoholic, as long as he’s cutting back. I think by continuing the behavior, he’s not suffering consequences for his actions, and I foresee the behavior all rolling back in again. He’s practically begging me to move back in, but I’ve told him we’re not ready, and I don’t think we’ve made much progress. I even gave him money (my mistake) to get a prescription for Campral filled more than a month ago. I learned today he spent that money on “other things’ & hasn’t filled the prescription yet. I just don’t think he’s getting it, and I know I’m partly to blame by my enabling behavior. Am I right, though, in thinking an actively drinking A probably won’t ever get it under control? Any advice/suggestions are appreciated.
Dealing with needing space during recovery (co-dependency)
My fiancee is an alcoholic. She has recently begun on her journey to sobriety. She is attending daily AA meetings and events and is on a waiting list for inpatient rehabilitation. I am so very proud of her. She has been sober for 1 1/2 weeks (1 major slip on halloween).
She is getting really wrapped up in AA and reading documents about her rehab center. She is waking up early again and taking care of many things she had neglected in the past. The problem is she seems like she wants nothing to do with me.
She keeps telling me that we both need to work on ourselves individually and she can't concentrate on a relationship right now. She needs to make her sobriety her first priorty.
I agree with her. I want her to get better. I've been going to al anon meetings and have given my very best efforts to giving her the space she is requesting. I've stopped nagging her to wake up or clean the house and trying to tell her how to handle her sobriety. I fight myself from checking up on her or calling her multiple times throughout the day to find out how she's doing.
I feel like I've been doing a very good job with what she's asked. She's always going to meetings or spending time writting to her friends on facebook. I can't help but feel neglected when I ask her to spend a little bit of time with me. I miss holding her and laughing with her. I've probably only spent 30 minutes of quality time with her in the past week and we live together. It's not like I don't see her, she just goes out of her way to avoid me and it hurts. It seems like the only time she initiates conversation with me is if she needs cigarettes or money (she has no job due to her drinking). I feel used.
She told me today that when she goes to rehab and gets her weekend passes, she would like to stay with her parents. She also said she would like to stay with her parents when she gets out of rehab. She wants to spend Christmas with her family and New Years at an AA function and she doesn't want me to attend either of them. She suggested that I spend xmas and new years with my family. She re-iterated that she simply cannot focus on a relationship right now.
I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around this. I know she needs her space and I want to make it as easy as possible for her recovery. How do you get over your co-depent feelings? I feel like I'm losing her. I feel like she doesn't love me anymore even though she says she does. How do you cope with giving someone the space they need while missing them so terribly much?
All I want is a little affection and her to tell me she wants to work things out, but I can't even get that. How can I give her her space and not concentrate on our relationship when all I can think about is saving our relationship?
I bought the book Codependant no more and Beyond Copedency tonight. I should recieve them next week. I feel totally lost. I thought I was making progress thinking about myself. I got a new job with better pay to help alleviate the stress of a single income. I've been taking walks and repeating the serenity prayer daily, I've been reading alanon books and pamphlets daily and attending alanon meetings weekly. I've just started feeling more positive and happy with the way things were going, then she tells me all this stuff tonight. How do you cope with the feelings of losing something that may not be lost yet?
Are there any success stories of relationships working out after seperating to concentrate on sobriety?
Sorry for the long post again. I think I will go read some more litterature.
She is getting really wrapped up in AA and reading documents about her rehab center. She is waking up early again and taking care of many things she had neglected in the past. The problem is she seems like she wants nothing to do with me.
She keeps telling me that we both need to work on ourselves individually and she can't concentrate on a relationship right now. She needs to make her sobriety her first priorty.
I agree with her. I want her to get better. I've been going to al anon meetings and have given my very best efforts to giving her the space she is requesting. I've stopped nagging her to wake up or clean the house and trying to tell her how to handle her sobriety. I fight myself from checking up on her or calling her multiple times throughout the day to find out how she's doing.
I feel like I've been doing a very good job with what she's asked. She's always going to meetings or spending time writting to her friends on facebook. I can't help but feel neglected when I ask her to spend a little bit of time with me. I miss holding her and laughing with her. I've probably only spent 30 minutes of quality time with her in the past week and we live together. It's not like I don't see her, she just goes out of her way to avoid me and it hurts. It seems like the only time she initiates conversation with me is if she needs cigarettes or money (she has no job due to her drinking). I feel used.
She told me today that when she goes to rehab and gets her weekend passes, she would like to stay with her parents. She also said she would like to stay with her parents when she gets out of rehab. She wants to spend Christmas with her family and New Years at an AA function and she doesn't want me to attend either of them. She suggested that I spend xmas and new years with my family. She re-iterated that she simply cannot focus on a relationship right now.
I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around this. I know she needs her space and I want to make it as easy as possible for her recovery. How do you get over your co-depent feelings? I feel like I'm losing her. I feel like she doesn't love me anymore even though she says she does. How do you cope with giving someone the space they need while missing them so terribly much?
All I want is a little affection and her to tell me she wants to work things out, but I can't even get that. How can I give her her space and not concentrate on our relationship when all I can think about is saving our relationship?
I bought the book Codependant no more and Beyond Copedency tonight. I should recieve them next week. I feel totally lost. I thought I was making progress thinking about myself. I got a new job with better pay to help alleviate the stress of a single income. I've been taking walks and repeating the serenity prayer daily, I've been reading alanon books and pamphlets daily and attending alanon meetings weekly. I've just started feeling more positive and happy with the way things were going, then she tells me all this stuff tonight. How do you cope with the feelings of losing something that may not be lost yet?
Are there any success stories of relationships working out after seperating to concentrate on sobriety?
Sorry for the long post again. I think I will go read some more litterature.
Struggling w/Anger & Letting GO
New to SR, but have been reading thru a lot of the posts. IÂ’m apologizing in advance for the long post, but I just really need to tell my story to people who understand.
I'm struggling with letting go of the anger that I have for my EXABF & the sadness I feel for him. We were together for a little over a year. In May of this year, I finally admitted to myself that he was an alcoholic & confronted him with my suspicions. I begged for him to get help. He admitted that he had a problem & promised that he would get help. Fast forward to the end of June, by this time, he had not attempted to get help & was trying to hide his drinking in the most ridiculous ways. I sat back & watched all of this play out. It drove me crazy that he was so willing to go down this destructive path that he had chosen with little consideration for anyone else in his life, especially his children from his previous marriage. I lost it at the end of June & confronted him about his hiding his alcohol from me, which led to our biggest fight ever & ended up with me apologizing to him for bringing up his drinking & his inability to keep his promise to seek help & him refusing to speak to me & looking at me like he hated me. I realized that at that point that I was wreck & in a really volatile situation, & needed some time to decompress, so I left the house & stayed at a hotel for a few days. During those few days, I finally admitted to one of my close friends that I was living with an alcoholic. Thankfully she told me to find an Al Anon meeting immediately & make an appointment with a psychologist. I did both that day. I went to my first Al Anon meeting that night & had my first appointment with my psychologist the next day & started working on myself. I went back home & continued attending weekly Al Anon meetings & seeing my psychologist. During the month of July, my EXABF continued to drink nonstop & started not coming home at least once a week. He would call me late in the evenings, intoxicated & proceed to give me excuses for why he couldn’t make it home that night. Thank God for Al Anon, b/c by this time I had learned about “Let Go and Let God” & “You didn’t cause it, You can’t control it, You can’t cure it”, so I would tell him if he felt that not coming home was what he needed to do, then he didn't need to come home. I didn't even "lose it” when I found the lipstick on his shirt collar after one of these “not coming home” adventures that he had had. I confronted him about my fear that he was cheating on me in a calm manner, listened to his explanation & moved on. I stayed the course & kept going to Al Anon & seeing my psychologist. I had had enough by August, so by August 15th, we had a talk & decided that it was best that I move out & that we both work on our issues. I found a place to live & began the process of packing my things & planning to officially move into my new place on August 29th. During that time I had to share the house with him until my move in date. For the next 2 weeks, I got to witness him get drunk everyday(he finally quit hiding it from me & let me see his liter a day vodka habit in the open), while profusely apologizing to me for bringing me into his insanity, apologizing for screwing our relationship up, telling me that I was the best thing that ever happened to him & how much he loved me, that he just needed to be alone so that he could get his life together, & that I shouldn't date anyone for a year so that he would have time to get well & then he wanted another chance with me. I just listened & tried not to buy into any of his rantings, which didn't comepletely work b/c of my codependency issues. September 1st, I was officially moved into my new place, but was still talking to him daily, b/c I believed him when he told me that he had hit his rock bottom & that he would get help & that we should work toward coming back together someday when we were both healthy. For the next 3 weeks, I was still talking to him & enabling by listening to him have his daily crying breakdown, listen to how broken he thinks he is, how badly his life sucks, & how he was going to get help. During this time I was really struggling with moving forward with my recovery. My psychologist had been continually telling me that I had to go “No Contact” with him, b/c I couldn’t “fully” proceed with my recovery until I quit enabling & allowing his insanity to still pull me in. At that time I just couldn’t let go, until September 23rd, when I found out that he had a girlfriend & it was confirmed that he had been seeing her the last few months of our relationship. I was devastated, but that was the straw that broke the camels back…..I changed my phone # that day. When he started e-mailing me a couple of days later b/c he couldn’t reach me via text or by phone, I informed him that I never wanted to see or speak to him again & asked him to respect my wishes. Since September 23rd, I have completely focused on working on me & getting my life back with no distraction from him. Al Anon, therapy , and SR have been a blessing. I’m working diligently to figure out all of my codependency issues & am trying to better my life.
Now, after my long story……….here are my “2” questions:
#1) How do I get over the massive anger that I have toward my EXABF? I literally would get much pleasure out of punching his lights out, but I know that wonÂ’t solve anything. When does the anger end?
#2) How do I work thru the feelings of sadness that I have for him choosing to continue his destructive cycle & not get the help that he needs? I really believe that he is going to drink himself to death. I know I can never allow him to be in my life again, but he is still a human being that I am working on trying to forgive & I donÂ’t want to see him die from this disease. I know I didnÂ’t cause it, I canÂ’t control it, &, I canÂ’t cure it, but how do I finally "let go" & forget him & get over these feelings of worrying about him dying from this disease?
Again, sorry for the long post, but I just needed to finally get this off my chest & seek advice.
Thanks in advance for any advice that anyone might have for me.
I'm struggling with letting go of the anger that I have for my EXABF & the sadness I feel for him. We were together for a little over a year. In May of this year, I finally admitted to myself that he was an alcoholic & confronted him with my suspicions. I begged for him to get help. He admitted that he had a problem & promised that he would get help. Fast forward to the end of June, by this time, he had not attempted to get help & was trying to hide his drinking in the most ridiculous ways. I sat back & watched all of this play out. It drove me crazy that he was so willing to go down this destructive path that he had chosen with little consideration for anyone else in his life, especially his children from his previous marriage. I lost it at the end of June & confronted him about his hiding his alcohol from me, which led to our biggest fight ever & ended up with me apologizing to him for bringing up his drinking & his inability to keep his promise to seek help & him refusing to speak to me & looking at me like he hated me. I realized that at that point that I was wreck & in a really volatile situation, & needed some time to decompress, so I left the house & stayed at a hotel for a few days. During those few days, I finally admitted to one of my close friends that I was living with an alcoholic. Thankfully she told me to find an Al Anon meeting immediately & make an appointment with a psychologist. I did both that day. I went to my first Al Anon meeting that night & had my first appointment with my psychologist the next day & started working on myself. I went back home & continued attending weekly Al Anon meetings & seeing my psychologist. During the month of July, my EXABF continued to drink nonstop & started not coming home at least once a week. He would call me late in the evenings, intoxicated & proceed to give me excuses for why he couldn’t make it home that night. Thank God for Al Anon, b/c by this time I had learned about “Let Go and Let God” & “You didn’t cause it, You can’t control it, You can’t cure it”, so I would tell him if he felt that not coming home was what he needed to do, then he didn't need to come home. I didn't even "lose it” when I found the lipstick on his shirt collar after one of these “not coming home” adventures that he had had. I confronted him about my fear that he was cheating on me in a calm manner, listened to his explanation & moved on. I stayed the course & kept going to Al Anon & seeing my psychologist. I had had enough by August, so by August 15th, we had a talk & decided that it was best that I move out & that we both work on our issues. I found a place to live & began the process of packing my things & planning to officially move into my new place on August 29th. During that time I had to share the house with him until my move in date. For the next 2 weeks, I got to witness him get drunk everyday(he finally quit hiding it from me & let me see his liter a day vodka habit in the open), while profusely apologizing to me for bringing me into his insanity, apologizing for screwing our relationship up, telling me that I was the best thing that ever happened to him & how much he loved me, that he just needed to be alone so that he could get his life together, & that I shouldn't date anyone for a year so that he would have time to get well & then he wanted another chance with me. I just listened & tried not to buy into any of his rantings, which didn't comepletely work b/c of my codependency issues. September 1st, I was officially moved into my new place, but was still talking to him daily, b/c I believed him when he told me that he had hit his rock bottom & that he would get help & that we should work toward coming back together someday when we were both healthy. For the next 3 weeks, I was still talking to him & enabling by listening to him have his daily crying breakdown, listen to how broken he thinks he is, how badly his life sucks, & how he was going to get help. During this time I was really struggling with moving forward with my recovery. My psychologist had been continually telling me that I had to go “No Contact” with him, b/c I couldn’t “fully” proceed with my recovery until I quit enabling & allowing his insanity to still pull me in. At that time I just couldn’t let go, until September 23rd, when I found out that he had a girlfriend & it was confirmed that he had been seeing her the last few months of our relationship. I was devastated, but that was the straw that broke the camels back…..I changed my phone # that day. When he started e-mailing me a couple of days later b/c he couldn’t reach me via text or by phone, I informed him that I never wanted to see or speak to him again & asked him to respect my wishes. Since September 23rd, I have completely focused on working on me & getting my life back with no distraction from him. Al Anon, therapy , and SR have been a blessing. I’m working diligently to figure out all of my codependency issues & am trying to better my life.
Now, after my long story……….here are my “2” questions:
#1) How do I get over the massive anger that I have toward my EXABF? I literally would get much pleasure out of punching his lights out, but I know that wonÂ’t solve anything. When does the anger end?
#2) How do I work thru the feelings of sadness that I have for him choosing to continue his destructive cycle & not get the help that he needs? I really believe that he is going to drink himself to death. I know I can never allow him to be in my life again, but he is still a human being that I am working on trying to forgive & I donÂ’t want to see him die from this disease. I know I didnÂ’t cause it, I canÂ’t control it, &, I canÂ’t cure it, but how do I finally "let go" & forget him & get over these feelings of worrying about him dying from this disease?
Again, sorry for the long post, but I just needed to finally get this off my chest & seek advice.
Thanks in advance for any advice that anyone might have for me.
Not sure what to do…
My RAH just achieved 60 days sober as of yesterday. I am very happy for him. He has been going to AA meetings 3-4 times per week. I go at the same time to Al-Anon meetings (they have them simultaneously), except on Wednesdays I go with him to the open AA meeting because there is no Al-Anon meeting that night. This has been very helpful to me to see that he is not the only one, and help me understand it truly is a disease.
I have seen many positive changes in my husband, and for this I am thankful and hopeful. I know at this point he truly desires to be clean. However, I do have my concerns. We have been carpooling ever since he got out of inpatient (three weeks into his sobriety), because his car needs repairs we cannot afford at this time (plus the gas savings is enormous). Most of the time, I have the car because I need it throughout the day, and he does not. He does get the car on Wednesdays and on every other Friday because he has to pick up his kids. On the days he has had the car, I can tell he really struggles with staying sober. One of the days, as soon as we got home, he was frantically searching for his "where and when" and asked if I could take him to a meeting that night (and I did). On almost every day he has had the car, I can see on the phone bill that he has made calls to his dealer. These are the only days he has made these calls. I am 99% sure he did not hook up on any of those days.
I am concerned because he worked his first three steps in inpatient, but has not gotten a sponsor or worked anymore steps since he got out. It seems that he does not reach out to others in AA when he is thinking about calling his dealer, or while he is calling his dealer. I'm not sure how he is keeping from using, except maybe the dealer is just not available when he is calling him, or he is catching himself before he actually hooks up. When he has no transportation, he is fine. But it seems the minute he has a vehicle and access to a way to score, he tries.
Do I try to talk with him about this? Let him know I know he is struggling, and every time he has the car, he calls the dealer? Suggest he seek a temporary sponsor until he gets a sponsor, suggest he keep the phone list in his wallet so he has it when he needs it, etc. etc.
Or do I just keep minding my own business, and let him figure it all out even if that means he possibly screws up while he has my car and leaves me up a creek?
I know it can't go on like this forever. Eventually he will have his car fixed and the freedom to do whatever he wants. I am actually anxious to have the freedom not to have to run him all over town. At the same time, we enjoy each other's company, and he has said on many occasions, he likes carpooling because it keeps him out of trouble. Plus it's saving us hundreds of dollars a month in gas. I just want to not have to worry anymore. I want to know he will be ok when he's completely back "on his own". Ugh I hate this.
I have seen many positive changes in my husband, and for this I am thankful and hopeful. I know at this point he truly desires to be clean. However, I do have my concerns. We have been carpooling ever since he got out of inpatient (three weeks into his sobriety), because his car needs repairs we cannot afford at this time (plus the gas savings is enormous). Most of the time, I have the car because I need it throughout the day, and he does not. He does get the car on Wednesdays and on every other Friday because he has to pick up his kids. On the days he has had the car, I can tell he really struggles with staying sober. One of the days, as soon as we got home, he was frantically searching for his "where and when" and asked if I could take him to a meeting that night (and I did). On almost every day he has had the car, I can see on the phone bill that he has made calls to his dealer. These are the only days he has made these calls. I am 99% sure he did not hook up on any of those days.
I am concerned because he worked his first three steps in inpatient, but has not gotten a sponsor or worked anymore steps since he got out. It seems that he does not reach out to others in AA when he is thinking about calling his dealer, or while he is calling his dealer. I'm not sure how he is keeping from using, except maybe the dealer is just not available when he is calling him, or he is catching himself before he actually hooks up. When he has no transportation, he is fine. But it seems the minute he has a vehicle and access to a way to score, he tries.
Do I try to talk with him about this? Let him know I know he is struggling, and every time he has the car, he calls the dealer? Suggest he seek a temporary sponsor until he gets a sponsor, suggest he keep the phone list in his wallet so he has it when he needs it, etc. etc.
Or do I just keep minding my own business, and let him figure it all out even if that means he possibly screws up while he has my car and leaves me up a creek?
I know it can't go on like this forever. Eventually he will have his car fixed and the freedom to do whatever he wants. I am actually anxious to have the freedom not to have to run him all over town. At the same time, we enjoy each other's company, and he has said on many occasions, he likes carpooling because it keeps him out of trouble. Plus it's saving us hundreds of dollars a month in gas. I just want to not have to worry anymore. I want to know he will be ok when he's completely back "on his own". Ugh I hate this.
New and Scared
Hi everyone...I'm not sure where to start...
I need help in setting boundaries with my AH.
For example, I know with the weekend coming up, he'll want to go out to dinner or the bar. I usually go, but I only have one drink, he gets fairly drunk, usually 3 -4 evenings a week.
Am I enabling? I don't know what to do - he always wants to go out for a drink after work...do I say no and let him go himself?
I've only been to a few Al-anon meetings so far, and understand that I need to be working on myself, but I'm not sure what to do with this situation.
Thanks!
I need help in setting boundaries with my AH.
For example, I know with the weekend coming up, he'll want to go out to dinner or the bar. I usually go, but I only have one drink, he gets fairly drunk, usually 3 -4 evenings a week.
Am I enabling? I don't know what to do - he always wants to go out for a drink after work...do I say no and let him go himself?
I've only been to a few Al-anon meetings so far, and understand that I need to be working on myself, but I'm not sure what to do with this situation.
Thanks!
Just a vent - trying to move forward in my recovery
First off, I would just like to say that the last couple of days there have been so many good posts/responses. Some days I come on to post, but after I read through what is already there, I think to myself that there is no need, everything I need to know is already there.
However, maybe some days I need a little extra support, slap in the face, whatever.
There has been a lot of drama at home lately, Chris is back to drinking more and more, lying to me about it, and I am back to trying to control him, yelling, fighting, nagging, etc. Typical codependent behaviors. We don't treat each other right, when I find out he has lied, I can't control my anger, I act like a crazy person. I'm mean to him, and then he tries making up by hugging me, or kissing me. Then I pull away and tell him I can't just pretend everything is fine, and then he said he's tired of me pushing him away.
Yesterday I finally decided that I need to make a change, I need to shift the focus back to me and my own recovery, so I found 2 Al-Anon meetings that I can go to in our area, and also did some reading from an Al-Anon website I found. On the way home last night in the car, I tried talking to him, calmly, about how I felt. I told him that I need to get back into recovery again, that I don't like the way I've been acting lately. I told him neither one of us accepts each other for the way we really are, we're both trying to change each other. He agreed, but wants nothing to do with discussing anything really. It's always "Come on, do we have to fight? Let's just have a good night".
When we got home, he decided to take my son hunting. He had already had 2 quarts of beer, and I knew he would drink more at his mom's (where he hunts). I managed to have a good evening. I picked up the house, lit some candles, worked out, and took a nice relaxing bath. The house was so quiet, so peaceful. Then he called for me to go pick him up. Then when he gets home, he is immediately annoying to me because he won't shut up. At first, it was repeating himself about the hunting.....I was so irritated but said nothing. I asked if he drank, and how much...but didn't nag or anything, I just kept quiet, watching my show. Then he got mad because I had already eaten and wouldn't eat the pork he cooked. Silly, don't you think? Then I rejected his several advances for a hug and a kiss and told him that I was upset, because he drank, told him I'm not nagging, but I also can't be friendly with him. So then it's "You're rejecting me again". I don't need to even go into every detail, but he wasn't treating me right, and I was just trying to hard not to engage. I told him I didn't want to be with him anymore. He asked me to say it again, so I said it again. I told him I don't like the way he treats me. We got to bed, like nothing happened.
I realized last night, it is very difficult for me to NOT engage, not take the bait when he's wanting to fight. Because he repeats himself, won't leave it alone.
Got up today, like nothing happened. He says "hello beautiful".
I guess at this point, I need boundaries, and consequences, but I honestly do not know where to start. Does anyone have advice on where to start? Examples of what their boundaries were? And how do you deal with him when you enforce the boundaries, and he gets an attitude????
I'm going to an Al-Anon meeting Friday night, at 8:00. I am really hopeful about this!
However, maybe some days I need a little extra support, slap in the face, whatever.
There has been a lot of drama at home lately, Chris is back to drinking more and more, lying to me about it, and I am back to trying to control him, yelling, fighting, nagging, etc. Typical codependent behaviors. We don't treat each other right, when I find out he has lied, I can't control my anger, I act like a crazy person. I'm mean to him, and then he tries making up by hugging me, or kissing me. Then I pull away and tell him I can't just pretend everything is fine, and then he said he's tired of me pushing him away.
Yesterday I finally decided that I need to make a change, I need to shift the focus back to me and my own recovery, so I found 2 Al-Anon meetings that I can go to in our area, and also did some reading from an Al-Anon website I found. On the way home last night in the car, I tried talking to him, calmly, about how I felt. I told him that I need to get back into recovery again, that I don't like the way I've been acting lately. I told him neither one of us accepts each other for the way we really are, we're both trying to change each other. He agreed, but wants nothing to do with discussing anything really. It's always "Come on, do we have to fight? Let's just have a good night".
When we got home, he decided to take my son hunting. He had already had 2 quarts of beer, and I knew he would drink more at his mom's (where he hunts). I managed to have a good evening. I picked up the house, lit some candles, worked out, and took a nice relaxing bath. The house was so quiet, so peaceful. Then he called for me to go pick him up. Then when he gets home, he is immediately annoying to me because he won't shut up. At first, it was repeating himself about the hunting.....I was so irritated but said nothing. I asked if he drank, and how much...but didn't nag or anything, I just kept quiet, watching my show. Then he got mad because I had already eaten and wouldn't eat the pork he cooked. Silly, don't you think? Then I rejected his several advances for a hug and a kiss and told him that I was upset, because he drank, told him I'm not nagging, but I also can't be friendly with him. So then it's "You're rejecting me again". I don't need to even go into every detail, but he wasn't treating me right, and I was just trying to hard not to engage. I told him I didn't want to be with him anymore. He asked me to say it again, so I said it again. I told him I don't like the way he treats me. We got to bed, like nothing happened.
I realized last night, it is very difficult for me to NOT engage, not take the bait when he's wanting to fight. Because he repeats himself, won't leave it alone.
Got up today, like nothing happened. He says "hello beautiful".
I guess at this point, I need boundaries, and consequences, but I honestly do not know where to start. Does anyone have advice on where to start? Examples of what their boundaries were? And how do you deal with him when you enforce the boundaries, and he gets an attitude????
I'm going to an Al-Anon meeting Friday night, at 8:00. I am really hopeful about this!
