Drug Rehab Options Blog

Well, I have been posting here for almost 2 weeks now and have had so many tell me to check out alanon. So, last night I did. What a wonderful group of people. Lots of love and support in this group I wanted to cry just for the warm open armed welcome I received. Not a single person looked down on me and of course these people have been together for a while acted as if I belonged there with them. Thank you for pointing me in their direction!!!
Of course when I got home it was h***! I shouldn't be out airing our dirty laundry. I explained ( or tried to) that I didn't even talk last night. I went and listened. They talked about the gray area which I don't have yet. All is still black and white to me. Hoping to find gray soon. I didn't want to tell him that was where I was going but he accused me of going out on a date. (I wish) but this group was wonderful and I hope to return and maybe find a second one or third to go to. I pretty much found out that he is not willing to give anything up for me and he said even if he did it wouldn't be worth it to him. So, here I go back on my roller coaster and my merry go round. I just wish I had the nerve today to get off these rides. I don't enjoy them anymore.
Sue:nyu




I also wanted to add that my AH said that going to counseling and alanon are only for me and I am the only person that matters to me. I wish he would see that if I am not healed, I am not strong for any of the people in my life. I want to be the old me that was happy and loved everyone around me. I am so selfish in his eyes.

I would like to know from others about their experiences with infidelity.

My ex drank everyday in our 30+ marriage. (a 6 pack or two in the beginning of our marriage and the last 15 years at least a bottle of wine a night and then also a glass of schnaps or cognac)

He held, and still holds, a very good job and could put on the front of an outgoing, happy man (to the outsdie world). He was different at home. Always complaining about something. I knew he was moody, but never suspected that he had a "buddy", as he called his girlfriend.

I could deal with his behavior until I found out about the "buddy" of +20 years. I never knew about her He was such a chronic liar. He was a great actor. (My ex needed to be "on the road" often bec. of his job.)

Is infidelity something that is OK with alcoholics? I think it is a combination of bad character and alcohol.

I go to Alanon and it has helped me, but I still wonder.. did I simply marry a person without character or did the alcohol change his values?????

Thank you!

i dreamed and prayed every day that my ABF would see the light. on his last dreadful scary binge he came home and decided that this was it. no more. this person had hit rock bottom. he couldnt take it anymore. this last binge was the terror of my life. i wrote him a letter for each day he was gone telling him how painful it was watching him kill himself. he returned home from that last binge stating that he did not want to be responsible for me hurting. i stood by. researched all the options for sobriety. i tried to detach as taught in alanon. i am in alanon, all the steps you have to do for recovery. i was supportive if he could please get better. regardless of how bad the drinking was we were in love. we committed and our goal was to be with each other once he recovered.:praying

he is now 45 days in his recovery and our relationship has fizzled. i had to officially break it off because it was becoming painful to stay with someone so distant. he told me that our relationship was a blur and right now he doesnt feel anything or if he does he doesnt thing he loves me like he did. he got involvd wittout thinking it through because he was drunk all the time. he then proceeded to say that in AA most relationships in the first year of sobriety fail or end in divorce. i am devastated by this!

i know he is sick and yes we should not have made plans. i believed foolishly i guess the love an alcoholic but i believed our love was real and for it to be dismissed is so painful. he said its not that he doesnt feel or care its that its confusing and that he wants to be honest and not make excuses that he wasnt clear in the head. i feel used. he always has an excuse-alcohol. do others get fed this same line?? :a043:

he wants to still keep me in my life but i feel if he doesnt love me then where did our relationship go? why would i stay with someone who had only used me in the first place and now that he is sober no longer loves me. what hurts is he cant even say sorry. he blames the alcohol and how 45 days ago he didnt even care if he lived or not and now that he is sober this long...its a rebirth. i still pray that he maintains. he scares me because he pushes himself hard into work and making money-he wants to be rich again (which was what sank him into drinking to begin) and he wants to repair his bond with his kids and focus on sobriety and with all that he does not have time for me.

is this normal? do they change so quickly in recovery? has anyone gone through this? can he just forget? do they understand emotions- i hear it changes constantly. im so lost in this....i want to move on but i love him and i am so sad that i feel disregarded in his sobriety. :wtf2

i need an inside view of what its like from a newbie to recovery...

i dreamed and prayed every day that my ABF would see the light. on his last dreadful scary binge he came home and decided that this was it. no more. this person had hit rock bottom. he couldnt take it anymore. this last binge was the terror of my life. i wrote him a letter for each day he was gone telling him how painful it was watching him kill himself. he read them and said he didnt want the responsibility for my pain. i stood by. researched all the options for sobriety. i tried to detach as taught in alanon. all the steps you have to do for recovery. regardless of how bad the drinking was we were in love. we committed and our goal was to be with each other once he recovered.

he is now 45 days in his recovery and our relationship has fizzled. i had to officially break it off this week. he told me that our relationship was a blur and right now he doesnt feel anything or if he does he doesnt think he loves me like he did. he then proceeded to say that in AA most relationships in the first year of sobriety fail or end in divorce. i am devastated by this! i know he is sick but i believed our love was real and for it to be dismissed is so painful. he said its not that he doesnt feel or care its that its confusing and that he wants to be honest and not make excuses that he wasnt clear in the head. i feel used. he wants to still keep me in my life but i feel if he doesnt love me then why should i stay? where did our relationship go? why would i stay with someone who had only used me in the first place and now that he is sober no longer loves me. what hurts is he cant even say sorry. he blames the alcohol and how 45 days ago he didnt even care if he lived or not and now that he is sober this long...its a rebirth. i still pray that he maintains. he scares me because he pushes himself hard into work and making money-he wants to be rich again (which was what sank him into drinking to begin) and he wants to repair his bond with his kids and focus on sobriety and with all that he does not have time for me.

is this normal? do recovering alcoholics change so quickly in early sobriety? has anyone gone through this with their significant other where your emotions changes that abruptly? you believed you loved them but in sobriety dont feel love? im so lost in this....i want to move on but i love him and i am so sad that i feel disregarded in his sobriety.

I drove over and sat in the parking lot for the longest time. Wasn't sure I could actually go in. Even though I felt like I was in some sort of fog I followed the next person in the door.

There was 9 others there. 5 men and 4 women. They were all so nice to me that of course I began to cry right away! They didn't judge at all, just handed me a box of kleenex.

The focus of the meeting was on gratitude. And man am I ever grateful that I was there to hear it. When it was my turn to speak they said I could pass if I wanted. But I managed to squeak out "I'm grateful to be here tonight. I took me 23 years but I finally made it". I came home after the meeting and did what they suggested. I made a gratitude list. I was so surprised when I was able to put 12 things on the list right away! I didn't even have to think very hard! When I went to bed last night I decided that instead of laying there and thinking about my problems instead I would list all the things I'm grateful for starting with the letter A and going through the alphabet. I was asleep before I reached the letter K. Wow, that felt good!

I will be going to another meeting on Sunday night. I want to try a few to see which feels best for me. And the best part is this.......the next meeting won't be my "first". I never have to walk through those doors for the first time again!

Kaye

Hi everyone. I separated from my alcoholic about 3 years ago. By the time I left I was emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually broken. I didn't think I would ever recover from the abuse. I went to see a therapist and she advised me to go to alanon. I went to my first meeting and an older man in the room rushed over to me after the meeting to give me a hug. I felt very uncomfortable, so I stuck my hand out to shake his. Later I thought about it and thought maybe I was being to stand offisih. I started seeing this man at meetings and we started talking about how similar our childhoods were and alanon. He has been a very good listener and has helped me a lot since he has been in the program for 10 years. It came out that he wanted more than a friendship and I am not ready for a relationship at this time. He had told me he is a sex addict, which I did not want to get involved with anything like that. I kind of distanced myself from him and started talking to other people in Alanon. I received an e-mail notification that he has been searching my name online. I was so scared that I stopped going to meetings for a while. I finally e-mailed him the notification I received and asked him if there was something he wanted to know about me. He said he just wanted to see how I was doing. I know that is a lie or else he would have e-mailed me directly. I am afraid of running into him at meetings after these events and I don't know what to do. I am hoping someone on here can give me some advice.

I talked with a lady today, she's been in Alanon many years, stuck it through with her AH, he eventually did get sober, but he has alzheimers now. But anyway she told me during his drinking days if he didn't show up home or to to an important event or took the car and they couldn't go anywhere, she would get mad and tell the children, "oh he's out getting drunk again."

Then she said when she came to Alanon, when her AH did the same things she changed and would tell her children.... "Oh...he's sick."

Is this appropriate to tell the children all the time? AH is not dependable w/ visits, and I'm wondering if it's appropriate to tell him daddy is sick all the time?

NH7

hi everyone,

I am writing for my AA friend, who doesn't have a computer. he has a troubling situation and has asked me for input, and in turn I am going to ask for input from people here, because you are the experts on stuff like this.

in a nutshell:

my AA friend has 2 teenaged sons, and they both drink and drug. there are other deep family problems, its very toxic. as a result of the now sober AA guy's divorce, and conditions he ended up in, the children live (in the same town) at their maternal grandparents' home, who also drink, smoke pot, are dysfunctional and condone the drinking/drugging behavior. in fact, their home is a gathering place for ongoing partying. and, the mother is active in alcoholism.

my friend is sober in AA and wants to intervene, in the hopes that he can somehow get his kids to turn around. he said that, if his youngest son (15) gets drunk one more time, he will call the police and have him arrested for underaged drinking. which will trickle up to the adults in charge, which he also hopes will happen.

the boys fight all the time, there is verbal abuse and, in general, a world of hurt. his own relationship with his boys is only slowly mending after much strain from his years of untreated alcoholism.

3 nights ago he called the police because youngest son (drunk) got verbally abusive and threatened to harm the family. The police took him away and he spent a night at the hospital under observation. Now the whole sick family is angry at him for turning them in. His boys will not speak to him.

His question to you all:

1. Did he do the right thing?
2. Did he betray their trust?
3. Was there any other alternative for him?

now.

I hear you. I am also in AlAnon, and realise its very codie of me to even be writing this for my friend. i'm aware of that.

I have drawn a clear boundary for myself that, after this posting, he is on his own,(!) and he will be reading this thread and responding to your replies. I will not.

Thank you all. Miss C

I am having a hard time having my AH back in the house with me... We separated for one month and during that month he was still out drinking and in no way did he hit rock bottom... he was living with his sister and had his own room and own bathroom and he had dinner ready for him every night while there and he still went out on the weekends....
He told me he was going to AA while he ordered a corona one night when we went to dinner and admited to losing money on horse races bc he was drinking the Sunday before he came back to live with me.... He said he would change but didnt go to his classes till I brought it up..stupid me for doing that ..

I have had so many ppl tell me I have lost that spark I had the last month and I can feel the tension in my gut every time I am driving home bc I know he is gonna be there.... is it wrong for me to try it on my own again or like they say to detach? I know everything I get on here is just advice but I need all the help and advice I can get.... Alanon is in my agneda for tonight but that is more for me than to help our marriage ... when ever I talk to him about his addiction he gets angry and tells me this is the way its gonna be for the rest of our marriage and I tell him its not easy to just forget until I see steps of his recovery.... I feel like I am pushing somebody to change something that they love doing more than they love me or the marriage :(

My husband and I are both in recovery 8 + years...My step daughter is struggling right now, dropped out of high school two weeks ago, we believe is abusing drugs and alcohol. She is depressed, won't return my husband's calls or come home when expected (she crashes at her moms), seems so very lost, direction-less. Her life is empty right now as she has no job, and isn't going to school. When daughter shares her feelings with her mom, she says all this is because her dad got divorced 6+ years ago, which led both her and her mom down a path of destruction (alcohol & drugs). So my husband is feeling VERY guilty. And I feel in the middle and all this is affecting me and my sense of well-being.

My main struggle today is how to help my husband. He is soooo worried, and tends to get very emotional. He attended alanon Sunday which helped him a lot. At home, I spend a lot of time listening to him, offering support and encouragement. I tell him what he already knows...he needs to detach with Love and trust God that she is going to be OK. But while I am generally pretty soft spoken there have been instances like just this morning where I said some things to him very directly regarding his expectations of his daughter only setting himself up for disappointment, hurt and anger.

I know that I too need to detach...from my husband...because his worries and emotional upheaval that he carries around all day long is getting to me! Sorry to say, but it is. And I feel selfish if I go off and "do my thing." I feel like I should stay there with him at the house and listen to him go on and on, otherwise I feel I am not being supportive.

Not sure if any of this makes sense. Just interested in your thoughts. I appreciate it!!