Archive for the ‘Alcohol Problem’ tag
10 Ways Family Members Can Help a Loved One with a Drug or Alcohol Problem
10 Ways Family Members Can Help a Loved One with a Drug or Alcohol Problem
By Ed Hughes, MPS
The pain and suffering of addiction is not limited to the alcoholic or drug addict. Family members share a tremendous burden as well. Shame, guilt, fear, worry, anger, and frustration are common , Everyday feelings for family members concerened about a loved one?s drinking or drug use. In most cases, the family has endured the brunt of the consequences for the loved ones addiction, including the stress of worry, financial costs, and life adjustments made to accommodate the addicted person?s lifestyle. Addiction leads the addict away from positive influences of the family. The disease twists love, concern, and a willingness to be helpful into a host of enabling behaviors that only help to perpetuate the illness.
Family and friends are usually very busy attempting to help the alcoholic or addict, but the help is of the wrong kind . If directed toward effective strategies and interventions, however, these people become powerful influences in helping the loved one ?hit bottom? and seek professional help. At the very least, families can detach themselves from the painful consequences of there loved one?s disease and cease their enabling behavior.
Here are 10 ways family members can help there loved one and themselves:
1) Do learn the facts about alcoholism and drug addiction . Obtain information through counseling, open AA/NA meetings, and Alanon/Naranon.
Addiction thrives in an environment of ignorance and denial . Only when we understand the characteristics and dynamics of addiction can we begin to respond to its symptoms more effectively. Realizing that addiction is a progressive disease will assist the family members to accept there loved as a ?sick person? rather than a ?bad person.? This comprehension goes a long way toward helping overcome the associated shame and guilt. No one is to blame . The problem is not caused by bad parenting or any other family shortcoming. Attendance at open AA/NA meetings is important: families need to see that not only are they not alone in there experience, but also that there are many other families just like theirs involved in this struggle. Families will find a reason to be hopeful when they hear the riveting stories of recovery shared at these meetings.
2) Don?t rescue the alcoholic or addict. Let them experience the full consequence of their disease.
Unfortunately, it is extremely rare for anyone to be ?loved? into recovery. Recovering people experience a ?hitting bottom.? This implies an accumulation of negative consequences related to drinking or drug use which provides the necessary motivation and inspiration to initiate a recovery effort. It has been said that ?truth? and ?consequences? are the foundations of insight and this holds true for addiction. Rescuing addicted persons from there consequences only ensures that more consequences must occur before the need for recovery is realized.
3) Don?t support the addiction by financially supporting the alcoholic or addict.
Money is the lifeblood of addiction . Financial support can be provided in many ways and they all serve to prolong the arrival of consequences. Buying groceries, paying for a car repair, loaning money, paying rent, and paying court fines are all examples of contributing to the continuation of alcohol or drug use . Money is almost always given by family members with the best of intentions, but it always serves to enable the alcoholic or addict to avoid the natural and necessary consequences of addiction. Many addicts recover simply because they could not get money to buy their drug. Consequently they experience withdrawal symptoms and often seek help.
4) Don?t analyze the loved one?s drinking or drug use. Don?t try to figure it out or look for underlying causes.
There are no underlying causes. Addiction is a disease. Looking for underlying causes is a waste of time and energy and usually ends up with some type of blame focused on the family or others . This ?paralysis by analysis? is a common manipulation by the disease of addiction which distracts everyone from the important issue of the illness itself.
5) Don?t make idle threats. Say what mean and mean what you say. Words only marginally impact the alcoholic or addict . Rather ?actions speak louder than words? applies to addiction. Threats are as meaningless as the promises made by the addicted person.
6) Don?t extract promises. A person with an addiction cannot keep promises. This is not because they don?t intend to, but rather because they are powerless to consistently act upon their commitments . Extracting a promise is a waste of time and only serves to increase the anger toward the loved one.
7) Don?t preach or lecture. Preaching and lecturing are easily discounted by the addicted person.
A sick person is not motivated to take positive action through guilt or intimidation . If an alcoholic or addict could be ?talked into? getting sober, many more people would get sober.
8) Do avoid the reactions of pity and anger. These emotions create a painful roller coaster for the loved one.
For a given amount of anger that is felt by a family member in any given situation, that amount-or more-of pity will be felt for the alcoholic or addict once the anger subsides. This teeter-totter is a common experience for family members?they get angry over a situation, make threats or initiate consequences, and then backtrack from those decisions once the anger has left and has been replaced by pity . The family then does not follow through on their decision to not enable.
9) Don?t accommodate the disease.
Addiction is a subtle foe. It will infiltrate a family?s home, lifestyle, and attitudes in a way that can go unnoticed by the family. As the disease progresses within the family system, the family will unknowingly accommodate its presence. Examples of accommodation include locking up ones and other valuables, not inviting guests for fear that the alcoholic or addict might embarrass them, adjusting one?s work schedule to be home with the addict or alcoholic, and planning one?s day around events involving the alcoholic or addict.
10) Do focus upon your life and responsibilities.
Family members must identify areas of there lives that have been neglected due to their focus on, or even obsession with, the alcoholic or addict. Other family members, hobbies, job, and health, for example, often take a back seat to the needs of the alcoholic or addict and the inevitable crisis of addiction. Turning attention away from the addict and focusing on other personal areas of one?s life is empowering and helpful to all concerned .
Each of these suggestions should be approached separately as individual goals. No one can make an abrupt change or adjustment from the behaviors that formed while the disease of addiction progressed. I can not over-emphasize the need for support of family members as they attempt to make changes. Counseling agencies must provide family education and programs to share this information. They must offer opportunities for families to change their attitudes and behaviors. The most powerful influence in helping families make these changes is Al-Anon/Naranon . By facing their fears and weathering the emotional storms that will follow, they can commit to ending their enabling entanglements.
The disease of addiction will fervently resist a family?s effort to say ?no? and stop enabling. Every possible emotional manipulation will be exhibited in an effort to get the family to resume ?business as usual .? There will always be certain family members or friends who will resist the notion of not enabling, join forces with the sick person, and accuse the family of lacking love. This resistance is a difficult but necessary hurdle for the family to overcome. Yet, it is necessary if they are to be truly helpful to the alcoholic or addict. Being truly helpful is what these suggestions are really about. Only when the full weight of the natural consequences of addiction is experienced by the addict- rather than by the family- can there be reason for hope of recovery .
By Ed Hughes, MPS
The pain and suffering of addiction is not limited to the alcoholic or drug addict. Family members share a tremendous burden as well. Shame, guilt, fear, worry, anger, and frustration are common , Everyday feelings for family members concerened about a loved one?s drinking or drug use. In most cases, the family has endured the brunt of the consequences for the loved ones addiction, including the stress of worry, financial costs, and life adjustments made to accommodate the addicted person?s lifestyle. Addiction leads the addict away from positive influences of the family. The disease twists love, concern, and a willingness to be helpful into a host of enabling behaviors that only help to perpetuate the illness.
Family and friends are usually very busy attempting to help the alcoholic or addict, but the help is of the wrong kind . If directed toward effective strategies and interventions, however, these people become powerful influences in helping the loved one ?hit bottom? and seek professional help. At the very least, families can detach themselves from the painful consequences of there loved one?s disease and cease their enabling behavior.
Here are 10 ways family members can help there loved one and themselves:
1) Do learn the facts about alcoholism and drug addiction . Obtain information through counseling, open AA/NA meetings, and Alanon/Naranon.
Addiction thrives in an environment of ignorance and denial . Only when we understand the characteristics and dynamics of addiction can we begin to respond to its symptoms more effectively. Realizing that addiction is a progressive disease will assist the family members to accept there loved as a ?sick person? rather than a ?bad person.? This comprehension goes a long way toward helping overcome the associated shame and guilt. No one is to blame . The problem is not caused by bad parenting or any other family shortcoming. Attendance at open AA/NA meetings is important: families need to see that not only are they not alone in there experience, but also that there are many other families just like theirs involved in this struggle. Families will find a reason to be hopeful when they hear the riveting stories of recovery shared at these meetings.
2) Don?t rescue the alcoholic or addict. Let them experience the full consequence of their disease.
Unfortunately, it is extremely rare for anyone to be ?loved? into recovery. Recovering people experience a ?hitting bottom.? This implies an accumulation of negative consequences related to drinking or drug use which provides the necessary motivation and inspiration to initiate a recovery effort. It has been said that ?truth? and ?consequences? are the foundations of insight and this holds true for addiction. Rescuing addicted persons from there consequences only ensures that more consequences must occur before the need for recovery is realized.
3) Don?t support the addiction by financially supporting the alcoholic or addict.
Money is the lifeblood of addiction . Financial support can be provided in many ways and they all serve to prolong the arrival of consequences. Buying groceries, paying for a car repair, loaning money, paying rent, and paying court fines are all examples of contributing to the continuation of alcohol or drug use . Money is almost always given by family members with the best of intentions, but it always serves to enable the alcoholic or addict to avoid the natural and necessary consequences of addiction. Many addicts recover simply because they could not get money to buy their drug. Consequently they experience withdrawal symptoms and often seek help.
4) Don?t analyze the loved one?s drinking or drug use. Don?t try to figure it out or look for underlying causes.
There are no underlying causes. Addiction is a disease. Looking for underlying causes is a waste of time and energy and usually ends up with some type of blame focused on the family or others . This ?paralysis by analysis? is a common manipulation by the disease of addiction which distracts everyone from the important issue of the illness itself.
5) Don?t make idle threats. Say what mean and mean what you say. Words only marginally impact the alcoholic or addict . Rather ?actions speak louder than words? applies to addiction. Threats are as meaningless as the promises made by the addicted person.
6) Don?t extract promises. A person with an addiction cannot keep promises. This is not because they don?t intend to, but rather because they are powerless to consistently act upon their commitments . Extracting a promise is a waste of time and only serves to increase the anger toward the loved one.
7) Don?t preach or lecture. Preaching and lecturing are easily discounted by the addicted person.
A sick person is not motivated to take positive action through guilt or intimidation . If an alcoholic or addict could be ?talked into? getting sober, many more people would get sober.
8) Do avoid the reactions of pity and anger. These emotions create a painful roller coaster for the loved one.
For a given amount of anger that is felt by a family member in any given situation, that amount-or more-of pity will be felt for the alcoholic or addict once the anger subsides. This teeter-totter is a common experience for family members?they get angry over a situation, make threats or initiate consequences, and then backtrack from those decisions once the anger has left and has been replaced by pity . The family then does not follow through on their decision to not enable.
9) Don?t accommodate the disease.
Addiction is a subtle foe. It will infiltrate a family?s home, lifestyle, and attitudes in a way that can go unnoticed by the family. As the disease progresses within the family system, the family will unknowingly accommodate its presence. Examples of accommodation include locking up ones and other valuables, not inviting guests for fear that the alcoholic or addict might embarrass them, adjusting one?s work schedule to be home with the addict or alcoholic, and planning one?s day around events involving the alcoholic or addict.
10) Do focus upon your life and responsibilities.
Family members must identify areas of there lives that have been neglected due to their focus on, or even obsession with, the alcoholic or addict. Other family members, hobbies, job, and health, for example, often take a back seat to the needs of the alcoholic or addict and the inevitable crisis of addiction. Turning attention away from the addict and focusing on other personal areas of one?s life is empowering and helpful to all concerned .
Each of these suggestions should be approached separately as individual goals. No one can make an abrupt change or adjustment from the behaviors that formed while the disease of addiction progressed. I can not over-emphasize the need for support of family members as they attempt to make changes. Counseling agencies must provide family education and programs to share this information. They must offer opportunities for families to change their attitudes and behaviors. The most powerful influence in helping families make these changes is Al-Anon/Naranon . By facing their fears and weathering the emotional storms that will follow, they can commit to ending their enabling entanglements.
The disease of addiction will fervently resist a family?s effort to say ?no? and stop enabling. Every possible emotional manipulation will be exhibited in an effort to get the family to resume ?business as usual .? There will always be certain family members or friends who will resist the notion of not enabling, join forces with the sick person, and accuse the family of lacking love. This resistance is a difficult but necessary hurdle for the family to overcome. Yet, it is necessary if they are to be truly helpful to the alcoholic or addict. Being truly helpful is what these suggestions are really about. Only when the full weight of the natural consequences of addiction is experienced by the addict- rather than by the family- can there be reason for hope of recovery .
Trying to give up again
Back here again for some help and support in giving up. The Christmas period has seen me drinking a huge volume of alcohol, mostly on my own. I have started drinking as soon as I get up.
I have been diagnosed with anxiety, which is made worse by the drinking. The worst time is first thing in the morning, hence the morning drinking. I feel anxious as soon as I wake up, sometimes to the extent of having a panic attack. I also have a lot of anger and insomnia, both of which are helped by medication, zyprexa (olanzapine).
I can't keep doing this to myself anymore, but I find it so hard to give up. Even though I know the alcohol is killing me I still want to drink. I think rehab would be very helpful for me.
I have been to the AA but I didn't like it. I don't like the references to God and I don't like the assumption that I need a higher power to resolve my alcohol problem. I believe that I hold the power in myself to give up.
Today I've made a huge step in not drinking so far. Just need to make it through to the end of the day, then then end of tomorrow, etc!
I'm feeling scared and lonely. Thanks for reading.
I have been diagnosed with anxiety, which is made worse by the drinking. The worst time is first thing in the morning, hence the morning drinking. I feel anxious as soon as I wake up, sometimes to the extent of having a panic attack. I also have a lot of anger and insomnia, both of which are helped by medication, zyprexa (olanzapine).
I can't keep doing this to myself anymore, but I find it so hard to give up. Even though I know the alcohol is killing me I still want to drink. I think rehab would be very helpful for me.
I have been to the AA but I didn't like it. I don't like the references to God and I don't like the assumption that I need a higher power to resolve my alcohol problem. I believe that I hold the power in myself to give up.
Today I've made a huge step in not drinking so far. Just need to make it through to the end of the day, then then end of tomorrow, etc!
I'm feeling scared and lonely. Thanks for reading.
Bad Rehab
Hi,
Not an addict.....then an addict....then not an addict again. Confused?.... Me too.
Something very strange happened to me as a teenager and I would like to share it with you here.
When I was 14, I got put into a long term drug rehabilitation program called "Kids Helping Kids". I didn't have a drug problem or alcohol problem but my parents were manipulated by this program and told that I was a drug addict and alcoholic due to my bad behavior. This program was horrible and I had to admit to being an addict to progress. I was psychologically broken over the course of several months before I progressed to 2nd phase. I won't go into detail about what they did to me in there but it was illegal and it was child abuse. It was systematic psychological torture.
Well, I don't exactly know what happened but I eventually admitted to being a drug addict and believed it (although I actually never had any drug problems). I am guessing I was brainwashed and other people I was in there with have suggested the same thing. I graduated this program and worked there thinking I was an addict and attended AA meetings religiously out of fear of relapse. I was then 16.
I eventually left the "program" and had no support. I eventually started smoking, and then drinking and at one point I didn't even care what drugs I was doing, who I was fighting or who I was having sex with. It was chaotic. I believed I was a loser addict and would die without the program that ostracized me.
One day I just realized that I needed to stop going to jail and clean my life up. I stopped all of the bad behavior and much to my amazement realized that I didn't have a drug or alcohol problem at all. I remembered life before the program and being a normal teenager. It was amazing to not be afraid of relapse, that was such a big concern for me and after I drank that first time after the program, I felt like a failure and felt even worse so I drank more thinking I was a screwup. I cleaned my life up, quit smoking and by then I was 19.
Today I am much older and I don't drink, smoke cigarrettes or use any drugs. I just don't need to. I keep away from these things because they are unhealthy. I am now 36.
I wanted to get a response as to what people think about teenagers being brainwashed into thinking they are addicts inside these rehabilitation programs. I personally saw non-addict kids brainwashed and subsequently broken by the program I was in, and I have heard these rehabs are all over the country now. I am very concerned that this is still happening and what those of you in recovery think about these practices. Are you aware that these types of programs exist?
It took me several years to realize that I had been brainwashed and that I wasn't an addict. I only realized the full spectrum of what was done to me about a year ago.
For some, they seemed to adhere to what they were indoctrinated with in the "program" and became super-addicts, almost like they were addicted to the lifestyle of the addict. In this program, following program doctrine meant a position of power over other kids. This was a position where you had COMPLETE control over other kids lives. When I was on my upper phases as an "oldcomer" I wielded an authority not allowed in our society. The things I could do to others would have been considered human rights violations on the "outside", mainstream world.
I have read that most of the type of drug rehabilitation programs like the one I was in are all of the STRAIGHT INC. type which has been classified as a cult. one program I am aware of that still uses these methods is called "Pathway Family Center". What does anyone think about this?
Coming from the perspective of understanding addiction and recovery, is this known about? Has this been talked about before? I believe the abuse we endured in the "program" led many kids to become addicts. Isn't that an ironic thing, a drug rehab hurting kids in their mind so they hate themselves and become addicts?
Not an addict.....then an addict....then not an addict again. Confused?.... Me too.
Something very strange happened to me as a teenager and I would like to share it with you here.
When I was 14, I got put into a long term drug rehabilitation program called "Kids Helping Kids". I didn't have a drug problem or alcohol problem but my parents were manipulated by this program and told that I was a drug addict and alcoholic due to my bad behavior. This program was horrible and I had to admit to being an addict to progress. I was psychologically broken over the course of several months before I progressed to 2nd phase. I won't go into detail about what they did to me in there but it was illegal and it was child abuse. It was systematic psychological torture.
Well, I don't exactly know what happened but I eventually admitted to being a drug addict and believed it (although I actually never had any drug problems). I am guessing I was brainwashed and other people I was in there with have suggested the same thing. I graduated this program and worked there thinking I was an addict and attended AA meetings religiously out of fear of relapse. I was then 16.
I eventually left the "program" and had no support. I eventually started smoking, and then drinking and at one point I didn't even care what drugs I was doing, who I was fighting or who I was having sex with. It was chaotic. I believed I was a loser addict and would die without the program that ostracized me.
One day I just realized that I needed to stop going to jail and clean my life up. I stopped all of the bad behavior and much to my amazement realized that I didn't have a drug or alcohol problem at all. I remembered life before the program and being a normal teenager. It was amazing to not be afraid of relapse, that was such a big concern for me and after I drank that first time after the program, I felt like a failure and felt even worse so I drank more thinking I was a screwup. I cleaned my life up, quit smoking and by then I was 19.
Today I am much older and I don't drink, smoke cigarrettes or use any drugs. I just don't need to. I keep away from these things because they are unhealthy. I am now 36.
I wanted to get a response as to what people think about teenagers being brainwashed into thinking they are addicts inside these rehabilitation programs. I personally saw non-addict kids brainwashed and subsequently broken by the program I was in, and I have heard these rehabs are all over the country now. I am very concerned that this is still happening and what those of you in recovery think about these practices. Are you aware that these types of programs exist?
It took me several years to realize that I had been brainwashed and that I wasn't an addict. I only realized the full spectrum of what was done to me about a year ago.
For some, they seemed to adhere to what they were indoctrinated with in the "program" and became super-addicts, almost like they were addicted to the lifestyle of the addict. In this program, following program doctrine meant a position of power over other kids. This was a position where you had COMPLETE control over other kids lives. When I was on my upper phases as an "oldcomer" I wielded an authority not allowed in our society. The things I could do to others would have been considered human rights violations on the "outside", mainstream world.
I have read that most of the type of drug rehabilitation programs like the one I was in are all of the STRAIGHT INC. type which has been classified as a cult. one program I am aware of that still uses these methods is called "Pathway Family Center". What does anyone think about this?
Coming from the perspective of understanding addiction and recovery, is this known about? Has this been talked about before? I believe the abuse we endured in the "program" led many kids to become addicts. Isn't that an ironic thing, a drug rehab hurting kids in their mind so they hate themselves and become addicts?
it never rains but it pours
I've been waiting anxiously for a month to get my sister back into seeing the doctor/therapist she's had some success with in the past. She had a long history of irresponsible living and drug abuse that built up to 2 arrests within a month last December for faking prescriptions for percs and oxy. She made some progress in recovery for the first half of this year, but fell back into the old habits over the summer. All this time she's had a live-in bf (with previous alcohol problem) who's stood by her but whose patience is nearly at an end. And 2 weeks ago she found out she's pregnant. It all seemed ready to blow.
So Monday I go with her back to seeing the doctor. It'll be weekly visits from now on with me coming to all of them. They discuss both her treatments and what's in store if she keeps the baby (as she seems determined to do). I leave feeling hopeful that maybe her relapse can be turned around, the bf's fears eased, and maybe, just maybe, having a baby in all this won't be a total disaster.
Well. The next night at 3am I get a frantic call from her that the bf has come home drunk out his head and is trashing the place and screaming at her about all the the bad things she's done over the months. Cops take him away and now he's got to live in a different city with his mother who posted his bond. At the moment she's alone, except for me checking in and friends.
Then today we found our dad's chemo is no longer working and won't be continued. Not sure how much longer he's got, but whether he'll be around to see her baby born is in doubt.
All these things are connected. The BF's relapse in alcohol abuse by his frustrations with her, her fears over whether he'll stay and our dad's health making her own recover harder, the pregnancy thrown in which makes him feel trapped now, and her fears of being abandoned. One big knot to unravel!
While at times I've been sick with worry this week about where this is going and why it all hit at once, I'm hoping that maybe after the shocks are over, and time goes on some good could come of it. He's required to get alcoholism treatment now (and I know he will), she has continued to make her therapy appointments with me as the moral support, and knowing a baby is on the way and our dad's time could be short seems to be focusing her mind on staying clean for those reasons.
So Monday I go with her back to seeing the doctor. It'll be weekly visits from now on with me coming to all of them. They discuss both her treatments and what's in store if she keeps the baby (as she seems determined to do). I leave feeling hopeful that maybe her relapse can be turned around, the bf's fears eased, and maybe, just maybe, having a baby in all this won't be a total disaster.
Well. The next night at 3am I get a frantic call from her that the bf has come home drunk out his head and is trashing the place and screaming at her about all the the bad things she's done over the months. Cops take him away and now he's got to live in a different city with his mother who posted his bond. At the moment she's alone, except for me checking in and friends.
Then today we found our dad's chemo is no longer working and won't be continued. Not sure how much longer he's got, but whether he'll be around to see her baby born is in doubt.
All these things are connected. The BF's relapse in alcohol abuse by his frustrations with her, her fears over whether he'll stay and our dad's health making her own recover harder, the pregnancy thrown in which makes him feel trapped now, and her fears of being abandoned. One big knot to unravel!
While at times I've been sick with worry this week about where this is going and why it all hit at once, I'm hoping that maybe after the shocks are over, and time goes on some good could come of it. He's required to get alcoholism treatment now (and I know he will), she has continued to make her therapy appointments with me as the moral support, and knowing a baby is on the way and our dad's time could be short seems to be focusing her mind on staying clean for those reasons.
my introduction.
I have only had the opportunity to read just a few threads (as I am new here), however, it is obvious to me this forum is full of people that have good hearts and are here to help.
I don't consider myself an alcoholic, however, alcohol is a problem in my life. I've had my share of issues in my life. I suppose developing an alcohol problem doesn't occur without some sort of trigger point. I have had many difficult events in my life. I am currently struggling with sharing them as it seems like I'm complaining or making excuses for where I am in life, or more accurately, where I am not in my life.
I am a product of a dysfunctional family. I'm not sure even where to start. I am 43 years old and have enjoyed a successful career that I am thankful for, however, that's been the extent of any success in my life. I have good friends, but I've endured two failed marriages, a loss of my only sibling (my brother) due to suicide and the realization that my family is dysfunctional and nearly incapable of any real ability to love openly and honestly without strings attached or expectations. Unconditional love is simply non existant in my family. Thankfully I escaped that lack of ability. I am completely the opposite. That maybe is one of my downfalls where people seek people like me to take from...until I have no more to give.
That's kind of where I've been over the last 3 years...isolating myself from those that I feel are toxic, including my parents. The loss of my brother, to whom I was extremely close to, was and still is devistating to me. I went through counseling on a weekly basis for over a year and feel that I've accepted his loss to the extent possible. I feel like I have a healthy acceptance about his loss.
I can't seem to find the strength to deal with the issues in my family anymore. I'm tired of walking on eggshells around my parents. I'm tired of dealing with the drama they love and embrace, all the while getting nothing of value from them from an emotional perspective. I barely speak to my mother (my parents are divorced). I do interact with my father on a more regular basis, however, I've recently decided to distance myself from him over some disturbing events of late. My brother had 3 wonderful kids...I am glad to be able to see more of them over the last year (that has been a struggle too as his ex wife is a awful person who played a large role in his suicide).
I suppose that stuff is just the tip of the iceberg so to speak...again I feel like I'm crying "oh poor me" here and I don't wish to do that. I feel stuck in life...I used to be so driven. Since his loss, that drive left me. I'm just existing..and I can't attribute that all to drinking quite honestly. I use a quote from the movie "shawshenk redemption" "Get busy living, or get busy dying". I try to use that to inspire me to move forward with my life, yet I can't get that traction to really launch my life forward. I do acknowledge that since April I am making strides forward. I am trying to accept that maybe this time it will move more slowly than I used to be able to achieve earlier in my life.
I feel like if I can honestly say that if alcohol is an issue in my life, then I should quit. I haven't gone over a week without a drink in a long time. I drank on weekends in highschool and college, then I got married and didn't really drink at all for 8 years. Then I got divorced, started a new job and have been drinking nearly every day for the last 12 years. During those 12 years I dove into my career and enjoyed a lot of success. But now I am stuck working maybe 3 days a week and not doing much besides that. I used to work nearly 7 days a week. I have dealt with depression and anxiety disorders in my past. I do feel I am over those issues, however, I do find that I drink to deal with unresolved issues in my life. The major issues I face (loss of my brother and my family issues) will remain unresolved. My parents think they are perfect so...I have tried. They are older now so I really don't address the issues to save them the heartache I guess.
Anyway, that's my situation from a 30k foot level. I am on day 3 without a drink and would like that to continue. I've given thought to joining an AA meeting to get a feel for what it is like. I'm not sure I'd be accepted because I think you have to commit to never having a drink again. What do you suggest someone like me do? Give up drinking entirely? Is alcohol something that is an all or nothing issue?
I hope my post meets with approval and understanding. I am here to support others too.
Thanks for listening...
I don't consider myself an alcoholic, however, alcohol is a problem in my life. I've had my share of issues in my life. I suppose developing an alcohol problem doesn't occur without some sort of trigger point. I have had many difficult events in my life. I am currently struggling with sharing them as it seems like I'm complaining or making excuses for where I am in life, or more accurately, where I am not in my life.
I am a product of a dysfunctional family. I'm not sure even where to start. I am 43 years old and have enjoyed a successful career that I am thankful for, however, that's been the extent of any success in my life. I have good friends, but I've endured two failed marriages, a loss of my only sibling (my brother) due to suicide and the realization that my family is dysfunctional and nearly incapable of any real ability to love openly and honestly without strings attached or expectations. Unconditional love is simply non existant in my family. Thankfully I escaped that lack of ability. I am completely the opposite. That maybe is one of my downfalls where people seek people like me to take from...until I have no more to give.
That's kind of where I've been over the last 3 years...isolating myself from those that I feel are toxic, including my parents. The loss of my brother, to whom I was extremely close to, was and still is devistating to me. I went through counseling on a weekly basis for over a year and feel that I've accepted his loss to the extent possible. I feel like I have a healthy acceptance about his loss.
I can't seem to find the strength to deal with the issues in my family anymore. I'm tired of walking on eggshells around my parents. I'm tired of dealing with the drama they love and embrace, all the while getting nothing of value from them from an emotional perspective. I barely speak to my mother (my parents are divorced). I do interact with my father on a more regular basis, however, I've recently decided to distance myself from him over some disturbing events of late. My brother had 3 wonderful kids...I am glad to be able to see more of them over the last year (that has been a struggle too as his ex wife is a awful person who played a large role in his suicide).
I suppose that stuff is just the tip of the iceberg so to speak...again I feel like I'm crying "oh poor me" here and I don't wish to do that. I feel stuck in life...I used to be so driven. Since his loss, that drive left me. I'm just existing..and I can't attribute that all to drinking quite honestly. I use a quote from the movie "shawshenk redemption" "Get busy living, or get busy dying". I try to use that to inspire me to move forward with my life, yet I can't get that traction to really launch my life forward. I do acknowledge that since April I am making strides forward. I am trying to accept that maybe this time it will move more slowly than I used to be able to achieve earlier in my life.
I feel like if I can honestly say that if alcohol is an issue in my life, then I should quit. I haven't gone over a week without a drink in a long time. I drank on weekends in highschool and college, then I got married and didn't really drink at all for 8 years. Then I got divorced, started a new job and have been drinking nearly every day for the last 12 years. During those 12 years I dove into my career and enjoyed a lot of success. But now I am stuck working maybe 3 days a week and not doing much besides that. I used to work nearly 7 days a week. I have dealt with depression and anxiety disorders in my past. I do feel I am over those issues, however, I do find that I drink to deal with unresolved issues in my life. The major issues I face (loss of my brother and my family issues) will remain unresolved. My parents think they are perfect so...I have tried. They are older now so I really don't address the issues to save them the heartache I guess.
Anyway, that's my situation from a 30k foot level. I am on day 3 without a drink and would like that to continue. I've given thought to joining an AA meeting to get a feel for what it is like. I'm not sure I'd be accepted because I think you have to commit to never having a drink again. What do you suggest someone like me do? Give up drinking entirely? Is alcohol something that is an all or nothing issue?
I hope my post meets with approval and understanding. I am here to support others too.
Thanks for listening...
So how’s this for irony?
Very long, involved story so I'm not going to post all the details...
Suffice it to say, over the past 6 - 8 months we've had problems with my 14 year old son looking up porn on the computer (and I don't mean just naked women... I mean EXTREMELY graphic porn, the kind that would upset a lot of open-minded adults). We've had discussion after discussion, set rule after rule, CHANGED rule after rule, etc, etc, ad nauseum over the past few months.
It happened again Saturday night (we found out about it yesterday morning); we didn't discuss it with him until later last night. I was at my wit's end, feeling totally helpless and out of options, feeling like he was willfully, maliciously, and intentionally breaking our rules and throwing respect and honesty right out the window, along with all of our trust.
After ranting for at least 20 minutes I asked him if he had anything to say (his answer to that question is ALWAYS no). He said yes. He said that it's not that he is doing things to intentionally hurt us... that he tried to stop doing it... that he doesn't want to say he's addicted, but he feels like he just can't stop.
My baby thinks he is addicted to internet porn.
Talk about changing everything.
I've always wanted my baby to be like me in a lot of respects. I NEVER thought he'd be like me in this respect.
He doesn't know about my alcohol problem. I mean, I'm sure he had opinions about the times he saw me drunk, but I've never told him that I feel I have a problem and I don't think he's even noticed that I've stopped drinking.
I'm considering telling him, so that he can see that I really DO understand what it's like to want to stop something and yet feel like you can't. I don't know yet if I will or not... this is all too raw still... but if it will help him to get better then I will do it in a heartbeat.
I still don't know what to think. That certainly was not what I was expecting to hear.
Suffice it to say, over the past 6 - 8 months we've had problems with my 14 year old son looking up porn on the computer (and I don't mean just naked women... I mean EXTREMELY graphic porn, the kind that would upset a lot of open-minded adults). We've had discussion after discussion, set rule after rule, CHANGED rule after rule, etc, etc, ad nauseum over the past few months.
It happened again Saturday night (we found out about it yesterday morning); we didn't discuss it with him until later last night. I was at my wit's end, feeling totally helpless and out of options, feeling like he was willfully, maliciously, and intentionally breaking our rules and throwing respect and honesty right out the window, along with all of our trust.
After ranting for at least 20 minutes I asked him if he had anything to say (his answer to that question is ALWAYS no). He said yes. He said that it's not that he is doing things to intentionally hurt us... that he tried to stop doing it... that he doesn't want to say he's addicted, but he feels like he just can't stop.
My baby thinks he is addicted to internet porn.
Talk about changing everything.
I've always wanted my baby to be like me in a lot of respects. I NEVER thought he'd be like me in this respect.
He doesn't know about my alcohol problem. I mean, I'm sure he had opinions about the times he saw me drunk, but I've never told him that I feel I have a problem and I don't think he's even noticed that I've stopped drinking.
I'm considering telling him, so that he can see that I really DO understand what it's like to want to stop something and yet feel like you can't. I don't know yet if I will or not... this is all too raw still... but if it will help him to get better then I will do it in a heartbeat.
I still don't know what to think. That certainly was not what I was expecting to hear.
Same church, different pew
Hello all -
Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences and feelings. (I tried to post this earlier, but it disappeared. Please forgive if it comes up as a dup!)
I've been lurking here about a week. At this point, I just need to vent. Please don't feel obliged to respond.
The generals:
1) My father was (is?) a verbally, emotionally, physically (to me) abusive alcoholic for as long as I can remember.
2) My mother is text-book co-dependent.
3) Despite my best efforts, I am co-dependent, married to a highly successful, highly functioning alcoholic. WTF????
The specifics:
1) AH wavers between admitting there is an alcohol problem and denying there is an alcohol problem.
2) I am at the point where I am simply out of juice (long story). I can no longer emotionally support two people, let alone myself.
3) In trying to explain to AH (in a sober state) my predicament, I was met with "well, what about me? if you think we might be apart, I have to mentally prepare myself for that, and that makes me sad. what am I supposed to do?" thereby effectively invalidating my feelings and sucking more energy from me.
I have realized that I am really good at suppressing my feelings, but after 40 years, I cannot do that anymore. I. Am. Burned. Out.
Really, what about me? Who the heck is supposed to be taking care of me? I certainly don't know how to take care of myself!! I am worn down...body, mind, and soul.
And he is concerned about his feelings.
Luckily, I have no kids, and at this point, there are no financial issues. Thank God.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Big hugs to all of you dealing with this problem. Sure sucks, huh?
Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences and feelings. (I tried to post this earlier, but it disappeared. Please forgive if it comes up as a dup!)
I've been lurking here about a week. At this point, I just need to vent. Please don't feel obliged to respond.
The generals:
1) My father was (is?) a verbally, emotionally, physically (to me) abusive alcoholic for as long as I can remember.
2) My mother is text-book co-dependent.
3) Despite my best efforts, I am co-dependent, married to a highly successful, highly functioning alcoholic. WTF????
The specifics:
1) AH wavers between admitting there is an alcohol problem and denying there is an alcohol problem.
2) I am at the point where I am simply out of juice (long story). I can no longer emotionally support two people, let alone myself.
3) In trying to explain to AH (in a sober state) my predicament, I was met with "well, what about me? if you think we might be apart, I have to mentally prepare myself for that, and that makes me sad. what am I supposed to do?" thereby effectively invalidating my feelings and sucking more energy from me.
I have realized that I am really good at suppressing my feelings, but after 40 years, I cannot do that anymore. I. Am. Burned. Out.
Really, what about me? Who the heck is supposed to be taking care of me? I certainly don't know how to take care of myself!! I am worn down...body, mind, and soul.
And he is concerned about his feelings.
Luckily, I have no kids, and at this point, there are no financial issues. Thank God.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Big hugs to all of you dealing with this problem. Sure sucks, huh?
Step Daughter Admitted Alcohol Problem - Now What?
My 23 year old step-daughter just admitted to her mother she has a problem with alcohol. I am new to this situation and want to know how we can handle helping her out. She is still on her father's (my husbands) health insurance until 12/31/2008, Blue Cross Blue Sheild program. Do they help with these type of situations?
I am hoping she will admit to us as well so we can seek recovery for her, but I do not even know where to begin. She is single, not in a relationship and has been completely unable to live a normal life due to exhorbinate monetary spending habits and partying style. She is very easy on the eyes and has been blessed with most things being handed to her because of such. Now things are tough and I just want to know what we can do to assist her and help her get on with her life... sober!
Thank you so much in advance.
Sandy
I am hoping she will admit to us as well so we can seek recovery for her, but I do not even know where to begin. She is single, not in a relationship and has been completely unable to live a normal life due to exhorbinate monetary spending habits and partying style. She is very easy on the eyes and has been blessed with most things being handed to her because of such. Now things are tough and I just want to know what we can do to assist her and help her get on with her life... sober!
Thank you so much in advance.
Sandy
now that he’s sober, he’s cheating
Hi,
I'm wondering if anyone has any experience with this.
I'm married to a man who has an alcohol problem. We're both around 30 yrs old. For the last year, we would fight constantly cuz of his drinking.
He stopped drinking in August this year, and since then, I thot things were great between us. We get along, we don't fight and it's like we're newlyweds again.
Back in February, he googled some pretty hurtful things and I found out and confronted him. Since then, I've been checking his phone records and e-mails and there hasn't been anything bad. As my trust grew, I snooped less and less.
I went away for a conference this past weekend and when I came back, I checked, and all evidence points to him cheating on me, and not only that, but drinking (he googled the local liquor store - to check for hours probably). I haven't confronted him yet, but I've been gathering 'evidence' and now it's pretty clear.
Anyway, I don't really know what to do now. Has anyone's partner cheated AFTER they got sober? I would have kind of understood it back when he was drinking, but this really hurts.
Any thoughts?
hope
I'm wondering if anyone has any experience with this.
I'm married to a man who has an alcohol problem. We're both around 30 yrs old. For the last year, we would fight constantly cuz of his drinking.
He stopped drinking in August this year, and since then, I thot things were great between us. We get along, we don't fight and it's like we're newlyweds again.
Back in February, he googled some pretty hurtful things and I found out and confronted him. Since then, I've been checking his phone records and e-mails and there hasn't been anything bad. As my trust grew, I snooped less and less.
I went away for a conference this past weekend and when I came back, I checked, and all evidence points to him cheating on me, and not only that, but drinking (he googled the local liquor store - to check for hours probably). I haven't confronted him yet, but I've been gathering 'evidence' and now it's pretty clear.
Anyway, I don't really know what to do now. Has anyone's partner cheated AFTER they got sober? I would have kind of understood it back when he was drinking, but this really hurts.
Any thoughts?
hope
First Post
Hi I'm new to recovery and this is my first post. I have an alcohol problem and I ready to start fighting it one day at a time. I figure this is a good start. I've been going to AA and have not got the courage to speak yet. I think it may be better if I just listen for now. I haven't surrendered yet and I haven't began the steps but The more I go the more I relate to these people. I feel like such a locked up secretive person I want get my problems out in the open and face them I want to break out of this thick shell of shame and guilt and find my true self. Thanks
