Archive for the ‘Alcoholic Husband’ tag
New on here
Hi so im pretty new to all of this and I really needed help on how to help my alcoholic husband. He lost his father in January of this year, to alcoholism, and since than has been in a tail spin. Hes been fired from two jobs in the past six months, for not showing up for his shifts. He drinks every day to 'relax' as he says. All he does all day is play on his video game, while drinking. Were 21 and 22. Our friends enjoy going out to the bar and clubs but his drinking has become such a problem people have stopped inviting us out. He has alienated his friends after they all made a conscious effort to do none drinking activities. His drinking has made it almost impossible for him and I to go out with my friends because he gets so nasty when he drinks. He refuses to see he has a problem. And gets really angry when the subject is even brought up. I dont know what else to do. I see where we are heading and I dont know how or what to do to stop this. I love him I dont want to see him like this but Im at a loss. Any advice anyone has for me would be greatly appreciated.
My prayers are with you all!
My prayers are with you all!
Where he is and where I am
My alcoholic husband has now been dry for 5 weeks. He has not accessed other support or recovery programs (besides couples counselling) so the alcoholic mindset and knee jerk behaviours are still there. On the positive side, he is doing a good job of keeping his anger inside and not yelling. I'm still getting emotionally abused through criticisms but it isn't the nutty, chaotic behaviour of an alcoholic.
I have been going to Al-Anon for 5 weeks and I've had the most amazing insights. 15 years of therapy make sense to me now. To make it explicit I know that his drinking and all that follows is not all about me but about him reacting to the way he has been raised. Even his sober behaviour is a product of the negativity in early life.
Same goes with me. My knee-jerk reactions are a product of my upbringing. With that knowledge I have found it actually easy (and I never thought it could ever be) to tune him out and detach with love. I don't need to bite my tongue and inwardly seethe. I feel a lot of compassion for him. For 5 weeks I have not had my anger spill out at the kids and I have been very patient. Yes, I get annoyed when things go wrong but then I think "What can I do differently?" and if there is nothing, then I accept.
So why am I writing? I feel good and bad at the same time. I feel good that I am no longer angry and bitter. I feel good that he is dry. I feel good that the children are in a better family home. I feel good that he is making a committment to go to counselling. I feel bad about the past behaviour I was willing to accept. Things were particularly nutty three years ago on both sides. Him drinking heavily, my shrieking and hysteria. I feel ashamed and guilt ridden about what my first child has seen when she was an infant. (I thought that it wasn't affecting her because she was too young to understand).
Nowadays, I feel sadness that I suspect my union with my husband will never progress beyond what it is now. It is unhappy but my thinking right now is that the children are too young (3 and 1) to be bounced around two households if there is no active alcoholism. Do I have to have a perfect marriage? I now think that word 'perfect' is alcoholic thinking. The all or nothing mentality.
My boundaries are as follows: no alcohol in the house and I never want to see him drunk again. I know he thinks it is about manipulation and control but I have put these in place for the children's protection and my sanity. If he crosses the boundary I will leave the marriage. Once again this is not a threat or an ultimatum. It simply is that I never want to see him drunk again. With the support of al-anon I think I can handle the marriage. However even if he stays a dry drunk, if I feel like I am losing my grip on my sanity, I will leave.
I have been going to Al-Anon for 5 weeks and I've had the most amazing insights. 15 years of therapy make sense to me now. To make it explicit I know that his drinking and all that follows is not all about me but about him reacting to the way he has been raised. Even his sober behaviour is a product of the negativity in early life.
Same goes with me. My knee-jerk reactions are a product of my upbringing. With that knowledge I have found it actually easy (and I never thought it could ever be) to tune him out and detach with love. I don't need to bite my tongue and inwardly seethe. I feel a lot of compassion for him. For 5 weeks I have not had my anger spill out at the kids and I have been very patient. Yes, I get annoyed when things go wrong but then I think "What can I do differently?" and if there is nothing, then I accept.
So why am I writing? I feel good and bad at the same time. I feel good that I am no longer angry and bitter. I feel good that he is dry. I feel good that the children are in a better family home. I feel good that he is making a committment to go to counselling. I feel bad about the past behaviour I was willing to accept. Things were particularly nutty three years ago on both sides. Him drinking heavily, my shrieking and hysteria. I feel ashamed and guilt ridden about what my first child has seen when she was an infant. (I thought that it wasn't affecting her because she was too young to understand).
Nowadays, I feel sadness that I suspect my union with my husband will never progress beyond what it is now. It is unhappy but my thinking right now is that the children are too young (3 and 1) to be bounced around two households if there is no active alcoholism. Do I have to have a perfect marriage? I now think that word 'perfect' is alcoholic thinking. The all or nothing mentality.
My boundaries are as follows: no alcohol in the house and I never want to see him drunk again. I know he thinks it is about manipulation and control but I have put these in place for the children's protection and my sanity. If he crosses the boundary I will leave the marriage. Once again this is not a threat or an ultimatum. It simply is that I never want to see him drunk again. With the support of al-anon I think I can handle the marriage. However even if he stays a dry drunk, if I feel like I am losing my grip on my sanity, I will leave.
New to Forum
I'm very grateful to have found this Forum! I just happened to google "Living with an Alcoholic" and I was lucky enough to find you. In reading some of the posts, I don't feel quite so alone.
I was with my alcoholic husband for 16 years and we split up 5 months ago. This has been the most difficult break-up I've ever gone through, because I'm still missing him so much, but I realize I'm missing the dream of how I wanted our relationship to be and not the reality of how it actually was for the last few years.
I initiated the break-up, but because he would never leave in the past, or he would leave and come back, I was very shocked when he actually did and even more surprised when he moved thousands of miles away to live with his brother and wife. Not a day goes by that I don't blame myself and think that there might have been one more thing I could have done to get him to give up the alcohol and put our relationship first. But my logical self knows that I tried everything possible and more and I did all the wrong things, that only ended up enabling him more. It didn't matter what I did; none of it worked.
I just hope the pain and self-blame stop one day. In my heart of hearts, I want him back but I also know it won't work unless he quits drinking.
Thanks for having me here.
prairiegirl
I was with my alcoholic husband for 16 years and we split up 5 months ago. This has been the most difficult break-up I've ever gone through, because I'm still missing him so much, but I realize I'm missing the dream of how I wanted our relationship to be and not the reality of how it actually was for the last few years.
I initiated the break-up, but because he would never leave in the past, or he would leave and come back, I was very shocked when he actually did and even more surprised when he moved thousands of miles away to live with his brother and wife. Not a day goes by that I don't blame myself and think that there might have been one more thing I could have done to get him to give up the alcohol and put our relationship first. But my logical self knows that I tried everything possible and more and I did all the wrong things, that only ended up enabling him more. It didn't matter what I did; none of it worked.
I just hope the pain and self-blame stop one day. In my heart of hearts, I want him back but I also know it won't work unless he quits drinking.
Thanks for having me here.
prairiegirl
can it be real
As there is no al-anon in the northern community where I live (there was but they don't meet anymore and the other closest one is half an hour away on Wednesday's at 7:00 which doesnt leave me time to get there after work) I have been reading posts as my own personal al-anon.
I have gained strength and insight into myself and my relationship since I started(wow am I co-dependant..working on that..) and don't feel so alone. Thanks for the help.
I was married for 19 years to an alcoholic husband who drank heavy everyday and every three to five months would go on a bender that was out of this world. And during that bender, his self hatred would come out as hatred for me. He would say horrible things to me like I was a waste of space, ugly, a bad mother, and so on. Then, the next day when he woke up and couldn't remember, I would bring up what he said and his reply..."OMG, I am sooooooooooo sorry, I was drunk, didn't mean it and you should forget about it." Then he played nice guy for a while, then he'd drink more and more, then three to five months later, play the whole scene out again and leave me to pick up the pieces which I became really good at doing so the kids didn't really have to see it and the neighbours didn't really know.
On August the 18th this year, I somehow grew a backbone and told him not for one single second of one more day will I deal with it. Enough. Finished. I was done. We were done. Well, that seemed to be his bottom. He got help. He has been going to AA for two months now and celebrated 2 months sober on October the 24th. I know he is sober because even though we separated, he still lives in the house, he just has his own room and space. He is trying really hard to change, he helps around the house and even makes dinner if I come home from work and I am just wiped out. Does his own laundry and is cleaning up his messy areas like his work shop.
He says he wants to put us back together, but I don't know. I have been through this honeymoon before. I know it is too soon to even think about it and I am trying really hard to keep my boundaries in place, look after myself and my two kids who are still at home(we have 4) and try and help them through this at the same time.
He went to his meeting tonight and asked someone to be his sponsor which shows me he is serious about staying sober and working his program to get healthy, something he hasn't been since he was about 16 years old. I take this as a good sign.
What I am wondering is if there is anyone who stayed with their AH through the recovery and had it work out?? I would love to believe that it is possible, but I am wondering if I am using my rose-coloured glasses again and I need a reality check.
I have gained strength and insight into myself and my relationship since I started(wow am I co-dependant..working on that..) and don't feel so alone. Thanks for the help.
I was married for 19 years to an alcoholic husband who drank heavy everyday and every three to five months would go on a bender that was out of this world. And during that bender, his self hatred would come out as hatred for me. He would say horrible things to me like I was a waste of space, ugly, a bad mother, and so on. Then, the next day when he woke up and couldn't remember, I would bring up what he said and his reply..."OMG, I am sooooooooooo sorry, I was drunk, didn't mean it and you should forget about it." Then he played nice guy for a while, then he'd drink more and more, then three to five months later, play the whole scene out again and leave me to pick up the pieces which I became really good at doing so the kids didn't really have to see it and the neighbours didn't really know.
On August the 18th this year, I somehow grew a backbone and told him not for one single second of one more day will I deal with it. Enough. Finished. I was done. We were done. Well, that seemed to be his bottom. He got help. He has been going to AA for two months now and celebrated 2 months sober on October the 24th. I know he is sober because even though we separated, he still lives in the house, he just has his own room and space. He is trying really hard to change, he helps around the house and even makes dinner if I come home from work and I am just wiped out. Does his own laundry and is cleaning up his messy areas like his work shop.
He says he wants to put us back together, but I don't know. I have been through this honeymoon before. I know it is too soon to even think about it and I am trying really hard to keep my boundaries in place, look after myself and my two kids who are still at home(we have 4) and try and help them through this at the same time.
He went to his meeting tonight and asked someone to be his sponsor which shows me he is serious about staying sober and working his program to get healthy, something he hasn't been since he was about 16 years old. I take this as a good sign.
What I am wondering is if there is anyone who stayed with their AH through the recovery and had it work out?? I would love to believe that it is possible, but I am wondering if I am using my rose-coloured glasses again and I need a reality check.
Just a blue day…
I took the kids to the dentist yesterday and I need $250 for D12's fillings that I don't have. She won't get additional benefits until March and I don't think they can wait they long.
I've been missing my abusive alcoholic husband. Having a few days of sadness and missing the good times. I don't want to go back but I'm stumbling a bit as I try to move forward.
I tried to contact him today to ask for money for D12's dental work. I left a message with his niece but he has not called.
I'm just sad. I know I don't wanna live like we did. I know he can't/won't suddenly be a good husband and father but it doesn't make it easier. I'm also angry. I didn't choose to be a single parent but truth be told, I have been one all along.
I suppose I'm having a little pity party. I'll go on and I will be fine...eventually.
I've been missing my abusive alcoholic husband. Having a few days of sadness and missing the good times. I don't want to go back but I'm stumbling a bit as I try to move forward.
I tried to contact him today to ask for money for D12's dental work. I left a message with his niece but he has not called.
I'm just sad. I know I don't wanna live like we did. I know he can't/won't suddenly be a good husband and father but it doesn't make it easier. I'm also angry. I didn't choose to be a single parent but truth be told, I have been one all along.
I suppose I'm having a little pity party. I'll go on and I will be fine...eventually.
Question for everyone!!!
my best friend is really struggling with her alcoholic husband. He is totally toxic to her and there 4 children (11&13 step children and 4 and 4 months his bioligical) IMO,,, he has always treated her older two like crap.
She is a Christian and struggles with separating from him/making him leave. SHe feels its not the chrisitan thing to do to their marriage.. I keep trying to have her focus on her children.. He is not violent,, but mentally, emotionally, and verbally abusive.. Spends what little money they have on alcohol, cannot care for the kids physically or emotionally, and rants and raves around the house. The older two are actually afraid of him.
My questions is... if you grew up in an alcoholic family, as a child, and now an adult.. do you have less or more respect for your sober parent staying with the alcoholic.???
Do you wish they would have left and how has it effected your relationship now as adults?
I believe that most people are in favor of leaving.. she says she just cant imagine forsaking God as a chrisitan woman by making him leave.. ?
help...
She is a Christian and struggles with separating from him/making him leave. SHe feels its not the chrisitan thing to do to their marriage.. I keep trying to have her focus on her children.. He is not violent,, but mentally, emotionally, and verbally abusive.. Spends what little money they have on alcohol, cannot care for the kids physically or emotionally, and rants and raves around the house. The older two are actually afraid of him.
My questions is... if you grew up in an alcoholic family, as a child, and now an adult.. do you have less or more respect for your sober parent staying with the alcoholic.???
Do you wish they would have left and how has it effected your relationship now as adults?
I believe that most people are in favor of leaving.. she says she just cant imagine forsaking God as a chrisitan woman by making him leave.. ?
help...
Question to EVeryone!!!
my best friend is really struggling with her alcoholic husband. He is totally toxic to her and there 4 children (11&13 step children and 4 and 4 months his bioligical) IMO,,, he has always treated her older two like crap.
She is a Christian and struggles with separating from him/making him leave. SHe feels its not the chrisitan thing to do to their marriage.. I keep trying to have her focus on her children.. He is not violent,, but mentally, emotionally, and verbally abusive.. Spends what little money they have on alcohol, cannot care for the kids physically or emotionally, and rants and raves around the house. The older two are actually afraid of him.
My questions is... if you grew up in an alcoholic family, as a child, and now an adult.. do you have less or more respect for your sober parent staying with the alcoholic.???
Do you wish they would have left and how has it effected your relationship now as adults?
I believe that most people are in favor of leaving.. she says she just cant imagine forsaking God as a chrisitan woman by making him leave.. ?
help...
She is a Christian and struggles with separating from him/making him leave. SHe feels its not the chrisitan thing to do to their marriage.. I keep trying to have her focus on her children.. He is not violent,, but mentally, emotionally, and verbally abusive.. Spends what little money they have on alcohol, cannot care for the kids physically or emotionally, and rants and raves around the house. The older two are actually afraid of him.
My questions is... if you grew up in an alcoholic family, as a child, and now an adult.. do you have less or more respect for your sober parent staying with the alcoholic.???
Do you wish they would have left and how has it effected your relationship now as adults?
I believe that most people are in favor of leaving.. she says she just cant imagine forsaking God as a chrisitan woman by making him leave.. ?
help...
Finally hitting my bottom
My crackhead, alcoholic husband have been married for 17 yrs. and I've finally come to my bottom. I turned off his cell phone yesterday after he was MIA for 4 days on a binge. I just can't do this anymore with him!!!
I talked to him yesterday and told him I was going to turn it off. He says well I won't send you this money I have for you, I'll buy a phone with it. I told him to do whatever the hell he wants to do, you know we have a child together and if you want to send money for him you will. I can't stay attached anymore for the little bit of money I get from him. We still have bills to pay off and he's STILL crackin it up.
Anyway he called this morning on his new cell and asked me why I turned his cell off and he thought that was "prett dirty". I told him what he's been doing for the last 17 yrs. is "pretty dirty too". I told him he could call his son at the house and that I had no reason to be talking to him. Our son is 13 so he dosen't have to go through me to talk to him. Thank god!!! I told him I was done and to leave me alone.
I'm not normally a mean person but being with a crackhead/alcoholic for this long has really done a job on me. And don't even talk to me about love, don't believe in that anymore much less want anything to do with it. Loving him hurts and love is not supposed to hurt. He said he wanted me to have his new cell # in case of an emergency. Hope I don't have an emergency while he's out smoking crack, my emergency wouldn't even matter. He continues to make bad choices in life and I have to let go so I won't be dragged anymore. I swear I feel like I need skin grafts. HAHAHA. It's really hard because I'm so codependent and still feel the need a little to know what's going on with him. But that's not in my best interest so I'm going to keep on keepin on.
I'm really just looking for some strength and encouragement to keep me on the right path in my mind. I swear the mind is a tricky thing!!!!!!!! Looking forward to a nice realaxing week-end.:Dance7:
I talked to him yesterday and told him I was going to turn it off. He says well I won't send you this money I have for you, I'll buy a phone with it. I told him to do whatever the hell he wants to do, you know we have a child together and if you want to send money for him you will. I can't stay attached anymore for the little bit of money I get from him. We still have bills to pay off and he's STILL crackin it up.
Anyway he called this morning on his new cell and asked me why I turned his cell off and he thought that was "prett dirty". I told him what he's been doing for the last 17 yrs. is "pretty dirty too". I told him he could call his son at the house and that I had no reason to be talking to him. Our son is 13 so he dosen't have to go through me to talk to him. Thank god!!! I told him I was done and to leave me alone.
I'm not normally a mean person but being with a crackhead/alcoholic for this long has really done a job on me. And don't even talk to me about love, don't believe in that anymore much less want anything to do with it. Loving him hurts and love is not supposed to hurt. He said he wanted me to have his new cell # in case of an emergency. Hope I don't have an emergency while he's out smoking crack, my emergency wouldn't even matter. He continues to make bad choices in life and I have to let go so I won't be dragged anymore. I swear I feel like I need skin grafts. HAHAHA. It's really hard because I'm so codependent and still feel the need a little to know what's going on with him. But that's not in my best interest so I'm going to keep on keepin on.
I'm really just looking for some strength and encouragement to keep me on the right path in my mind. I swear the mind is a tricky thing!!!!!!!! Looking forward to a nice realaxing week-end.:Dance7:
