Archive for the ‘Alcoholic Parent’ tag
Questions about being a child of an alcoholic
I'm hoping some of you can give me some insite as to what its like being a child of an alcoholic. I'm currently going through a divorce and have a son who is 6 and a daughter who is 2. My STBXAH sees the kids on a regular basis when I have school or when the kids stay at his parents. I have asked a few people about being a child of divorce. Some have told me that they felt anger at a parent for trying to keep them away from the alcoholic parent and some have said that they wish someone had intervened. I understand that none of you know my whole story, but how do I figure out the best way to support the kids? AH has a history of drinking while having the kids in his care, but I have no other proof other than what I have experienced of him or what my son tells me. Apparently a 6 year old is not big enough to testify where I live since he cant accrately tell how much AH drank. SO far my son hasnt really acted out but he has become quite clingy to me. If it were up to me I wouldnt even send the kids unless I knew for sure he was sober. I know I cant control AH's drinking, or what he does when they arent with me. I just want to know the best way to support the kids. I would appreciate any opinions or thoughts you could give me.
Opinions on a couple things please
I currently have a civil protection order against my ah. I went and got it because he was harassing me over the phone saying that I should expect a surprise visit in 30 minutes. He was also threatening to move back into the house. I know some of it doesnt sound serious. But he has an anger problem and is angry at me because we have a child support hearing comming up. He also has a history of using intimidation and is verbally abusive in front of other people and the kids. I'd like to think that he would never go any farther than what he has but I dont know.
Having said all that Im considering droping it because of the kids. I have made it clear that I will not tolerate him contacting us when he is drinking and he is not to be drinking when he has custody of the kids. But if I have the CPO then that means his mom and dad will be the ones to pick the kids up or drop them off. I wouldnt see him and his parents would never say anything about his drinking. I can always tell if he is drinking though and dont put it past him to take them to another beer party. So while I know that I would be putting myself back in an unpredictable situation, I would rather that than unknowingly send them to stay with a drunk dad.
The other thing is how do you help a child set up boundaries with an alcoholic parent. I want my son to know that his dad drinking while he is with him is not ok. He is 6 and he understands that his dad drinking is not a good thing. I dont want to alienate my son from his dad, but safety is a huge concern. My 2 year old will also be there as well. I am working to teach him my cell number so he can call if he needs anything too. I'm just not sure how to talk to him about the other stuff. I would appreciate any opinions. Thanks!
Having said all that Im considering droping it because of the kids. I have made it clear that I will not tolerate him contacting us when he is drinking and he is not to be drinking when he has custody of the kids. But if I have the CPO then that means his mom and dad will be the ones to pick the kids up or drop them off. I wouldnt see him and his parents would never say anything about his drinking. I can always tell if he is drinking though and dont put it past him to take them to another beer party. So while I know that I would be putting myself back in an unpredictable situation, I would rather that than unknowingly send them to stay with a drunk dad.
The other thing is how do you help a child set up boundaries with an alcoholic parent. I want my son to know that his dad drinking while he is with him is not ok. He is 6 and he understands that his dad drinking is not a good thing. I dont want to alienate my son from his dad, but safety is a huge concern. My 2 year old will also be there as well. I am working to teach him my cell number so he can call if he needs anything too. I'm just not sure how to talk to him about the other stuff. I would appreciate any opinions. Thanks!
loss of denial = loss of identity?
Does anyone else feel like since facing the fact that their parent is an alcoholic and losing that denial, that they've lost parts of their identity as well? It's like enjoying coffee your whole life, and then waking up one day to find that drinking it doesn't do anything for you. Old hobbies don't hold the same intrigue or enjoyment that they used to. It almost feels like life has been hollowed out.
To put a story behind it, I've been the golden child in my family and used to have a "special" relationship with my alcoholic father (he told me his problems, I tried to fix them, he'd have time to drink - wonderful enabling relationship). I've stop denying his problem and accepted that the relationship I have with him isn't accurrate - he doesn't know me at all, or at least, not beyond my capacity to be his golden child and fix everything (his marriage, depression, problems with my siblings, money, all of it). All those late nights "bonding" over how to solve his problems after he'd come home from the bar and had a blow-out with mom? Yup, never existed (he claims not to remember). The relationship I thought I had with the alcoholic parent only existed in my mind.
I've finally let go and distanced myself from this responsibility (and guilt). It took a while, but I finally moved across the country (with my boyfriend, so I've got support). Now I'm here and I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm regularly active and do go out when invited. When I meet people, I don't know what to say about myself - I just talk about work. I generally just feel disconnected. I strongly believe it's because of disconnecting from the toxic relationship with my father, but did I have to lose myself in the process? Has anyone else ever felt like this?
To put a story behind it, I've been the golden child in my family and used to have a "special" relationship with my alcoholic father (he told me his problems, I tried to fix them, he'd have time to drink - wonderful enabling relationship). I've stop denying his problem and accepted that the relationship I have with him isn't accurrate - he doesn't know me at all, or at least, not beyond my capacity to be his golden child and fix everything (his marriage, depression, problems with my siblings, money, all of it). All those late nights "bonding" over how to solve his problems after he'd come home from the bar and had a blow-out with mom? Yup, never existed (he claims not to remember). The relationship I thought I had with the alcoholic parent only existed in my mind.
I've finally let go and distanced myself from this responsibility (and guilt). It took a while, but I finally moved across the country (with my boyfriend, so I've got support). Now I'm here and I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm regularly active and do go out when invited. When I meet people, I don't know what to say about myself - I just talk about work. I generally just feel disconnected. I strongly believe it's because of disconnecting from the toxic relationship with my father, but did I have to lose myself in the process? Has anyone else ever felt like this?
I was just reading another thread about…
ocoa. Is it possible for me to have ocoa, but not have an alcoholic parent???
My mom's dad was an A, and out of 11 kids atleast 8 of them became an A. My mom didnt though.
I do see the opposite of my mom, she is a codie. I think living with the alcoholic parent, she learned the behaviors of a co-dependent.
According to my mom, my dad was abusive with her physically, and I do remember fighting all the time, name calling, feeling nervous, feeling the need to please and to be recognized. I dont even like thinking about it.
I just read the characteristics of ocoa and wow!!!!
I wonder why not one of the counselors ever suggested this.
Reading the characteristics, has made me want to learn more about what ocoa is. Is there a difference between ocoa and co-dependent? It seems like alot of the traits are the same.
Wow, digging in my closet is pretty scary, but digging in it is the only way to start cleaning it out. I am going to start on a cleaning spree with atleast this one area of the closet. I want to see more results of this messy closet:)
Thank you splendra reading your post inspired me to read what ocoa is.
My mom's dad was an A, and out of 11 kids atleast 8 of them became an A. My mom didnt though.
I do see the opposite of my mom, she is a codie. I think living with the alcoholic parent, she learned the behaviors of a co-dependent.
According to my mom, my dad was abusive with her physically, and I do remember fighting all the time, name calling, feeling nervous, feeling the need to please and to be recognized. I dont even like thinking about it.
I just read the characteristics of ocoa and wow!!!!
I wonder why not one of the counselors ever suggested this.
Reading the characteristics, has made me want to learn more about what ocoa is. Is there a difference between ocoa and co-dependent? It seems like alot of the traits are the same.
Wow, digging in my closet is pretty scary, but digging in it is the only way to start cleaning it out. I am going to start on a cleaning spree with atleast this one area of the closet. I want to see more results of this messy closet:)
Thank you splendra reading your post inspired me to read what ocoa is.
