Archive for the ‘Alcoholism Addiction’ tag
10 Ways Family Members Can Help a Loved One with a Drug or Alcohol Problem
10 Ways Family Members Can Help a Loved One with a Drug or Alcohol Problem
By Ed Hughes, MPS
The pain and suffering of addiction is not limited to the alcoholic or drug addict. Family members share a tremendous burden as well. Shame, guilt, fear, worry, anger, and frustration are common , Everyday feelings for family members concerened about a loved one?s drinking or drug use. In most cases, the family has endured the brunt of the consequences for the loved ones addiction, including the stress of worry, financial costs, and life adjustments made to accommodate the addicted person?s lifestyle. Addiction leads the addict away from positive influences of the family. The disease twists love, concern, and a willingness to be helpful into a host of enabling behaviors that only help to perpetuate the illness.
Family and friends are usually very busy attempting to help the alcoholic or addict, but the help is of the wrong kind . If directed toward effective strategies and interventions, however, these people become powerful influences in helping the loved one ?hit bottom? and seek professional help. At the very least, families can detach themselves from the painful consequences of there loved one?s disease and cease their enabling behavior.
Here are 10 ways family members can help there loved one and themselves:
1) Do learn the facts about alcoholism and drug addiction . Obtain information through counseling, open AA/NA meetings, and Alanon/Naranon.
Addiction thrives in an environment of ignorance and denial . Only when we understand the characteristics and dynamics of addiction can we begin to respond to its symptoms more effectively. Realizing that addiction is a progressive disease will assist the family members to accept there loved as a ?sick person? rather than a ?bad person.? This comprehension goes a long way toward helping overcome the associated shame and guilt. No one is to blame . The problem is not caused by bad parenting or any other family shortcoming. Attendance at open AA/NA meetings is important: families need to see that not only are they not alone in there experience, but also that there are many other families just like theirs involved in this struggle. Families will find a reason to be hopeful when they hear the riveting stories of recovery shared at these meetings.
2) Don?t rescue the alcoholic or addict. Let them experience the full consequence of their disease.
Unfortunately, it is extremely rare for anyone to be ?loved? into recovery. Recovering people experience a ?hitting bottom.? This implies an accumulation of negative consequences related to drinking or drug use which provides the necessary motivation and inspiration to initiate a recovery effort. It has been said that ?truth? and ?consequences? are the foundations of insight and this holds true for addiction. Rescuing addicted persons from there consequences only ensures that more consequences must occur before the need for recovery is realized.
3) Don?t support the addiction by financially supporting the alcoholic or addict.
Money is the lifeblood of addiction . Financial support can be provided in many ways and they all serve to prolong the arrival of consequences. Buying groceries, paying for a car repair, loaning money, paying rent, and paying court fines are all examples of contributing to the continuation of alcohol or drug use . Money is almost always given by family members with the best of intentions, but it always serves to enable the alcoholic or addict to avoid the natural and necessary consequences of addiction. Many addicts recover simply because they could not get money to buy their drug. Consequently they experience withdrawal symptoms and often seek help.
4) Don?t analyze the loved one?s drinking or drug use. Don?t try to figure it out or look for underlying causes.
There are no underlying causes. Addiction is a disease. Looking for underlying causes is a waste of time and energy and usually ends up with some type of blame focused on the family or others . This ?paralysis by analysis? is a common manipulation by the disease of addiction which distracts everyone from the important issue of the illness itself.
5) Don?t make idle threats. Say what mean and mean what you say. Words only marginally impact the alcoholic or addict . Rather ?actions speak louder than words? applies to addiction. Threats are as meaningless as the promises made by the addicted person.
6) Don?t extract promises. A person with an addiction cannot keep promises. This is not because they don?t intend to, but rather because they are powerless to consistently act upon their commitments . Extracting a promise is a waste of time and only serves to increase the anger toward the loved one.
7) Don?t preach or lecture. Preaching and lecturing are easily discounted by the addicted person.
A sick person is not motivated to take positive action through guilt or intimidation . If an alcoholic or addict could be ?talked into? getting sober, many more people would get sober.
8) Do avoid the reactions of pity and anger. These emotions create a painful roller coaster for the loved one.
For a given amount of anger that is felt by a family member in any given situation, that amount-or more-of pity will be felt for the alcoholic or addict once the anger subsides. This teeter-totter is a common experience for family members?they get angry over a situation, make threats or initiate consequences, and then backtrack from those decisions once the anger has left and has been replaced by pity . The family then does not follow through on their decision to not enable.
9) Don?t accommodate the disease.
Addiction is a subtle foe. It will infiltrate a family?s home, lifestyle, and attitudes in a way that can go unnoticed by the family. As the disease progresses within the family system, the family will unknowingly accommodate its presence. Examples of accommodation include locking up ones and other valuables, not inviting guests for fear that the alcoholic or addict might embarrass them, adjusting one?s work schedule to be home with the addict or alcoholic, and planning one?s day around events involving the alcoholic or addict.
10) Do focus upon your life and responsibilities.
Family members must identify areas of there lives that have been neglected due to their focus on, or even obsession with, the alcoholic or addict. Other family members, hobbies, job, and health, for example, often take a back seat to the needs of the alcoholic or addict and the inevitable crisis of addiction. Turning attention away from the addict and focusing on other personal areas of one?s life is empowering and helpful to all concerned .
Each of these suggestions should be approached separately as individual goals. No one can make an abrupt change or adjustment from the behaviors that formed while the disease of addiction progressed. I can not over-emphasize the need for support of family members as they attempt to make changes. Counseling agencies must provide family education and programs to share this information. They must offer opportunities for families to change their attitudes and behaviors. The most powerful influence in helping families make these changes is Al-Anon/Naranon . By facing their fears and weathering the emotional storms that will follow, they can commit to ending their enabling entanglements.
The disease of addiction will fervently resist a family?s effort to say ?no? and stop enabling. Every possible emotional manipulation will be exhibited in an effort to get the family to resume ?business as usual .? There will always be certain family members or friends who will resist the notion of not enabling, join forces with the sick person, and accuse the family of lacking love. This resistance is a difficult but necessary hurdle for the family to overcome. Yet, it is necessary if they are to be truly helpful to the alcoholic or addict. Being truly helpful is what these suggestions are really about. Only when the full weight of the natural consequences of addiction is experienced by the addict- rather than by the family- can there be reason for hope of recovery .
By Ed Hughes, MPS
The pain and suffering of addiction is not limited to the alcoholic or drug addict. Family members share a tremendous burden as well. Shame, guilt, fear, worry, anger, and frustration are common , Everyday feelings for family members concerened about a loved one?s drinking or drug use. In most cases, the family has endured the brunt of the consequences for the loved ones addiction, including the stress of worry, financial costs, and life adjustments made to accommodate the addicted person?s lifestyle. Addiction leads the addict away from positive influences of the family. The disease twists love, concern, and a willingness to be helpful into a host of enabling behaviors that only help to perpetuate the illness.
Family and friends are usually very busy attempting to help the alcoholic or addict, but the help is of the wrong kind . If directed toward effective strategies and interventions, however, these people become powerful influences in helping the loved one ?hit bottom? and seek professional help. At the very least, families can detach themselves from the painful consequences of there loved one?s disease and cease their enabling behavior.
Here are 10 ways family members can help there loved one and themselves:
1) Do learn the facts about alcoholism and drug addiction . Obtain information through counseling, open AA/NA meetings, and Alanon/Naranon.
Addiction thrives in an environment of ignorance and denial . Only when we understand the characteristics and dynamics of addiction can we begin to respond to its symptoms more effectively. Realizing that addiction is a progressive disease will assist the family members to accept there loved as a ?sick person? rather than a ?bad person.? This comprehension goes a long way toward helping overcome the associated shame and guilt. No one is to blame . The problem is not caused by bad parenting or any other family shortcoming. Attendance at open AA/NA meetings is important: families need to see that not only are they not alone in there experience, but also that there are many other families just like theirs involved in this struggle. Families will find a reason to be hopeful when they hear the riveting stories of recovery shared at these meetings.
2) Don?t rescue the alcoholic or addict. Let them experience the full consequence of their disease.
Unfortunately, it is extremely rare for anyone to be ?loved? into recovery. Recovering people experience a ?hitting bottom.? This implies an accumulation of negative consequences related to drinking or drug use which provides the necessary motivation and inspiration to initiate a recovery effort. It has been said that ?truth? and ?consequences? are the foundations of insight and this holds true for addiction. Rescuing addicted persons from there consequences only ensures that more consequences must occur before the need for recovery is realized.
3) Don?t support the addiction by financially supporting the alcoholic or addict.
Money is the lifeblood of addiction . Financial support can be provided in many ways and they all serve to prolong the arrival of consequences. Buying groceries, paying for a car repair, loaning money, paying rent, and paying court fines are all examples of contributing to the continuation of alcohol or drug use . Money is almost always given by family members with the best of intentions, but it always serves to enable the alcoholic or addict to avoid the natural and necessary consequences of addiction. Many addicts recover simply because they could not get money to buy their drug. Consequently they experience withdrawal symptoms and often seek help.
4) Don?t analyze the loved one?s drinking or drug use. Don?t try to figure it out or look for underlying causes.
There are no underlying causes. Addiction is a disease. Looking for underlying causes is a waste of time and energy and usually ends up with some type of blame focused on the family or others . This ?paralysis by analysis? is a common manipulation by the disease of addiction which distracts everyone from the important issue of the illness itself.
5) Don?t make idle threats. Say what mean and mean what you say. Words only marginally impact the alcoholic or addict . Rather ?actions speak louder than words? applies to addiction. Threats are as meaningless as the promises made by the addicted person.
6) Don?t extract promises. A person with an addiction cannot keep promises. This is not because they don?t intend to, but rather because they are powerless to consistently act upon their commitments . Extracting a promise is a waste of time and only serves to increase the anger toward the loved one.
7) Don?t preach or lecture. Preaching and lecturing are easily discounted by the addicted person.
A sick person is not motivated to take positive action through guilt or intimidation . If an alcoholic or addict could be ?talked into? getting sober, many more people would get sober.
8) Do avoid the reactions of pity and anger. These emotions create a painful roller coaster for the loved one.
For a given amount of anger that is felt by a family member in any given situation, that amount-or more-of pity will be felt for the alcoholic or addict once the anger subsides. This teeter-totter is a common experience for family members?they get angry over a situation, make threats or initiate consequences, and then backtrack from those decisions once the anger has left and has been replaced by pity . The family then does not follow through on their decision to not enable.
9) Don?t accommodate the disease.
Addiction is a subtle foe. It will infiltrate a family?s home, lifestyle, and attitudes in a way that can go unnoticed by the family. As the disease progresses within the family system, the family will unknowingly accommodate its presence. Examples of accommodation include locking up ones and other valuables, not inviting guests for fear that the alcoholic or addict might embarrass them, adjusting one?s work schedule to be home with the addict or alcoholic, and planning one?s day around events involving the alcoholic or addict.
10) Do focus upon your life and responsibilities.
Family members must identify areas of there lives that have been neglected due to their focus on, or even obsession with, the alcoholic or addict. Other family members, hobbies, job, and health, for example, often take a back seat to the needs of the alcoholic or addict and the inevitable crisis of addiction. Turning attention away from the addict and focusing on other personal areas of one?s life is empowering and helpful to all concerned .
Each of these suggestions should be approached separately as individual goals. No one can make an abrupt change or adjustment from the behaviors that formed while the disease of addiction progressed. I can not over-emphasize the need for support of family members as they attempt to make changes. Counseling agencies must provide family education and programs to share this information. They must offer opportunities for families to change their attitudes and behaviors. The most powerful influence in helping families make these changes is Al-Anon/Naranon . By facing their fears and weathering the emotional storms that will follow, they can commit to ending their enabling entanglements.
The disease of addiction will fervently resist a family?s effort to say ?no? and stop enabling. Every possible emotional manipulation will be exhibited in an effort to get the family to resume ?business as usual .? There will always be certain family members or friends who will resist the notion of not enabling, join forces with the sick person, and accuse the family of lacking love. This resistance is a difficult but necessary hurdle for the family to overcome. Yet, it is necessary if they are to be truly helpful to the alcoholic or addict. Being truly helpful is what these suggestions are really about. Only when the full weight of the natural consequences of addiction is experienced by the addict- rather than by the family- can there be reason for hope of recovery .
Definition Of Alcoholism And Alcohol Addiction
The definition of alcoholism and alcohol addiction is subject to much debate...
Alcoholism And Drug Addiction Recovery: What It Is And What It Isn’t
by Bill Urell
Just as there are numerous definitions of drug addiction and alcoholism, there are many definitions of addiction recovery...
What I didnÂ’t understand at my First Al-Anon Meeting
By Angela L. , Washington
I walked into my first Al-Anon meeting after my boyfriend had his first relapse. Tears that hadnÂ’t stopped in days were running down my face. I wasnÂ’t wearing makeup and my hair was tied back just to keep it out of my face. I brought my boyfriendÂ’s Sponsor with me, a longtimer who had more than 20 years of sobriety under his belt. He was the only person I could think of to call for help; he showed me Al-Anon.
I remember walking into the room knowing that these people were going to tell me what I needed to do to help my alcoholic boyfriend get back on track. I shared what had happened: he picked up drinking again after being sober for two and a half years and was now in jail. I waited for someone, anyone, to tell me their secret since they all were either nodding their heads or smiling. One lady turned to me and said, “Keep Coming Back.: Another person said, “Welcome.”
What was going on? Why wouldnÂ’t they tell me what to do? I sat there crying even harder. My boyfriendÂ’s Sponsor didnÂ’t say anything; he just patted my back as I was doubled over in pain and confusion. Why were these people not telling me how to fix the problem? CouldnÂ’t they see my pain? DidnÂ’t anyone care?
I got angry. I stood up and proceeded to let everyone know that I thought they were mean and hateful for “keeping” their little “secret” to themselves, apparently thinking I wasn’t worth knowing it. Once I had given everyone in the room a piece of my mind, including my boyfriend’s Sponsor, I stormed out determined to fix my alcoholic boyfriend without their help.
I spent the next four years going to open A.A. meetings, learning the Steps and reading everything I could about alcoholism and addiction. I talked to men and women in recovery and listened to their stories. I became somewhat of an expert on this horrible, destructive disease that was eating up my soul.
During this time two things happened. My boyfriend and I got married, and he had six more relapses.
By the time I came back to Al-Anon, I was so broken and empty- all I could do to go on was breathe. I was dead inside, and no one could see it. I had no hope, no joy, no feeling of self-worth. I was drained and tired. I had tried to “fix” the alcoholic only to destroy myself in the process.
I walked into my second Al-Anon meeting not so much with the hope of help but with the fear of not getting it. I walked in prepared to kill myself and had the means to do so. I didnÂ’t know what to expect, but I knew that I couldnÂ’t continue living in this pain anymore. Something in the back of my mind kept telling me that if A.A. works for them, Al-Anon could really work for me.
I didn’t yell at anyone; I didn’t double up in pain and confusion, I just sat there crying and listening. Some of it I could relate to, some I couldn’t. Then I heard someone say that “I” didn’t cause it, “I” can’t cure it and “I” can’t control it. All of a sudden this huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. It wasn’t my fault! A very small glimmer of hope started to form in my mind, and I wanted more.
I went to that meeting wanting to rid my life of this agonizing feeling but left wanting to come back. Over the next several months I went to meetings every week, bought and read literature, talked with others, found a Sponsor, and got into service work.
In the beginning, words couldn’t describe the pain I was in. Now words can’t describe the peace I’m in. My worst day in Al-Anon far outweighs my best day without it. Today, I understand serenity. I appreciate suggestions, and I have hope. I‘ve accepted the alcoholic for who he is because now I know who I am.
Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Hdqts, Inc. Virginia Beach, VA.
I walked into my first Al-Anon meeting after my boyfriend had his first relapse. Tears that hadnÂ’t stopped in days were running down my face. I wasnÂ’t wearing makeup and my hair was tied back just to keep it out of my face. I brought my boyfriendÂ’s Sponsor with me, a longtimer who had more than 20 years of sobriety under his belt. He was the only person I could think of to call for help; he showed me Al-Anon.
I remember walking into the room knowing that these people were going to tell me what I needed to do to help my alcoholic boyfriend get back on track. I shared what had happened: he picked up drinking again after being sober for two and a half years and was now in jail. I waited for someone, anyone, to tell me their secret since they all were either nodding their heads or smiling. One lady turned to me and said, “Keep Coming Back.: Another person said, “Welcome.”
What was going on? Why wouldnÂ’t they tell me what to do? I sat there crying even harder. My boyfriendÂ’s Sponsor didnÂ’t say anything; he just patted my back as I was doubled over in pain and confusion. Why were these people not telling me how to fix the problem? CouldnÂ’t they see my pain? DidnÂ’t anyone care?
I got angry. I stood up and proceeded to let everyone know that I thought they were mean and hateful for “keeping” their little “secret” to themselves, apparently thinking I wasn’t worth knowing it. Once I had given everyone in the room a piece of my mind, including my boyfriend’s Sponsor, I stormed out determined to fix my alcoholic boyfriend without their help.
I spent the next four years going to open A.A. meetings, learning the Steps and reading everything I could about alcoholism and addiction. I talked to men and women in recovery and listened to their stories. I became somewhat of an expert on this horrible, destructive disease that was eating up my soul.
During this time two things happened. My boyfriend and I got married, and he had six more relapses.
By the time I came back to Al-Anon, I was so broken and empty- all I could do to go on was breathe. I was dead inside, and no one could see it. I had no hope, no joy, no feeling of self-worth. I was drained and tired. I had tried to “fix” the alcoholic only to destroy myself in the process.
I walked into my second Al-Anon meeting not so much with the hope of help but with the fear of not getting it. I walked in prepared to kill myself and had the means to do so. I didnÂ’t know what to expect, but I knew that I couldnÂ’t continue living in this pain anymore. Something in the back of my mind kept telling me that if A.A. works for them, Al-Anon could really work for me.
I didn’t yell at anyone; I didn’t double up in pain and confusion, I just sat there crying and listening. Some of it I could relate to, some I couldn’t. Then I heard someone say that “I” didn’t cause it, “I” can’t cure it and “I” can’t control it. All of a sudden this huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. It wasn’t my fault! A very small glimmer of hope started to form in my mind, and I wanted more.
I went to that meeting wanting to rid my life of this agonizing feeling but left wanting to come back. Over the next several months I went to meetings every week, bought and read literature, talked with others, found a Sponsor, and got into service work.
In the beginning, words couldn’t describe the pain I was in. Now words can’t describe the peace I’m in. My worst day in Al-Anon far outweighs my best day without it. Today, I understand serenity. I appreciate suggestions, and I have hope. I‘ve accepted the alcoholic for who he is because now I know who I am.
Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Hdqts, Inc. Virginia Beach, VA.
I hate . . .
I hate . . .
Ike update
- the two contractors that were electrocuted in our area did not make it. please join me in prayer for their families and of course all the others still so harmed by this tragedy.
I'm sure all of you are probably tired of hearing about this - it is just so heavy on my heart - I have tears in my eyes as I type this - it is so horrible everywhere again.
More & more damage being found, more deaths, as of yesterday the flood waters still have not receded in so many areas here - people can't even get to their property to see if anything is left. I know Galveston & Houston areas are the same - Just like the people on the West coast with the wildfires, mudslides, the North with the snowstorms, the Great Lakes States with all the flooding - I am just so burden with all this devastation.
People work hard for a little piece of land, a home, even a few personal items to have a place to call home - a warm or cool garden of quiet retreat - then to be stolen away in just a matter of hours -
It reminds me of the disease of alcoholism/addiction - how our loved ones are so special, filled with such promise, hope and dreams - all to be wiped away by a cruel and hateful disease that cares nothing for our loved one or us and any of our family.
I hate Hurricanes, natural disasters and the disease of alcoholism/addiction.
I hate.
thank you for letting me feel my emotions - I know they are neither good nor bad - just emotions - prayerfully journaling & posting them will help me let them go & allow my HP to heal me.
HUGS,
Rita
Ike update
- the two contractors that were electrocuted in our area did not make it. please join me in prayer for their families and of course all the others still so harmed by this tragedy.
I'm sure all of you are probably tired of hearing about this - it is just so heavy on my heart - I have tears in my eyes as I type this - it is so horrible everywhere again.
More & more damage being found, more deaths, as of yesterday the flood waters still have not receded in so many areas here - people can't even get to their property to see if anything is left. I know Galveston & Houston areas are the same - Just like the people on the West coast with the wildfires, mudslides, the North with the snowstorms, the Great Lakes States with all the flooding - I am just so burden with all this devastation.
People work hard for a little piece of land, a home, even a few personal items to have a place to call home - a warm or cool garden of quiet retreat - then to be stolen away in just a matter of hours -
It reminds me of the disease of alcoholism/addiction - how our loved ones are so special, filled with such promise, hope and dreams - all to be wiped away by a cruel and hateful disease that cares nothing for our loved one or us and any of our family.
I hate Hurricanes, natural disasters and the disease of alcoholism/addiction.
I hate.
thank you for letting me feel my emotions - I know they are neither good nor bad - just emotions - prayerfully journaling & posting them will help me let them go & allow my HP to heal me.
HUGS,
Rita
