Archive for the ‘Alkie’ tag
Personal Update.
well alot has happened since I last been on here. I haven't seen alkie in weeks. kinda not back to normal with me mentally, depressed but am I still a codependent? nope. I haven't seen alkie yet I talk to her online and sometimes on the phone.
I started to hang out with one of her childhood friends, he realized, through me that "she just isnt good with alcohol" but shes a alcoholic. he known her since she was 14 but didnt know what was going on. he told me a few days ago that he thinks she drinks during the day on the low. I knew this for awhile yet he just found out? she must be better manipulator than I thought.
well monday I had school work to do but she wanted me to hang out with her and the friend I started hanging out with. I didn't go, she told me all she think was smoke yet I heard it from him that she got drunk really fast and he got introuble by his parent. he told me he paid for the taxi and sent her home. well thats what she didn't tell me.
well she went to florida to disney world with her family because her father had a business meeting. well from what I heard through her friend that she got drunk when she went there and her mother took away her phone. this girl is 21 yet still gets her phone taken away? then she calls me socially immature.
she told me she had a anxiety\amnemic attack and collasped yet I knew it didnt sound right but just went along with it.
now I know she doesn't tell me shes been drinking.
well I begun taking a stand against her, telling her what she does to me or take a firm stand on her manipulating techniques.
she called me friday (apparently she got her phone back) and asked me to go clubbing. I never went clubbing but especially going with her would be a issue, but I have a paper to due so I told her I had to do that, I told her that monday I had one but I would be finish thursday.. the professor moved the day up so I had til monday.
well she said I'm lying to her because I said I would be free after thurs yet I still had things to do, told me she was tired of "my bullshyt", went to insult me yet the cellphone signal was buzzy so I didnt hear most of it. I called her back and I told her I wasn't lying.. she said the same thing again and hangs up but!! this time I'm not chasing her, I'm not saying I'm sorry and drop what I have to do so I could just drive her and see her get drunk, get into a fight with her because I have to be up at work at 530 while its 4am and she still wants to party. I just put my phone down and went back to work.
thats what I call some emotional detachment.
I deserve the right to be selfish, I have to look out for #1 because no one else will look out for me, if she doesn't like it, theres the door. (kind of a self rant)
I started to hang out with one of her childhood friends, he realized, through me that "she just isnt good with alcohol" but shes a alcoholic. he known her since she was 14 but didnt know what was going on. he told me a few days ago that he thinks she drinks during the day on the low. I knew this for awhile yet he just found out? she must be better manipulator than I thought.
well monday I had school work to do but she wanted me to hang out with her and the friend I started hanging out with. I didn't go, she told me all she think was smoke yet I heard it from him that she got drunk really fast and he got introuble by his parent. he told me he paid for the taxi and sent her home. well thats what she didn't tell me.
well she went to florida to disney world with her family because her father had a business meeting. well from what I heard through her friend that she got drunk when she went there and her mother took away her phone. this girl is 21 yet still gets her phone taken away? then she calls me socially immature.
she told me she had a anxiety\amnemic attack and collasped yet I knew it didnt sound right but just went along with it.
now I know she doesn't tell me shes been drinking.
well I begun taking a stand against her, telling her what she does to me or take a firm stand on her manipulating techniques.
she called me friday (apparently she got her phone back) and asked me to go clubbing. I never went clubbing but especially going with her would be a issue, but I have a paper to due so I told her I had to do that, I told her that monday I had one but I would be finish thursday.. the professor moved the day up so I had til monday.
well she said I'm lying to her because I said I would be free after thurs yet I still had things to do, told me she was tired of "my bullshyt", went to insult me yet the cellphone signal was buzzy so I didnt hear most of it. I called her back and I told her I wasn't lying.. she said the same thing again and hangs up but!! this time I'm not chasing her, I'm not saying I'm sorry and drop what I have to do so I could just drive her and see her get drunk, get into a fight with her because I have to be up at work at 530 while its 4am and she still wants to party. I just put my phone down and went back to work.
thats what I call some emotional detachment.
I deserve the right to be selfish, I have to look out for #1 because no one else will look out for me, if she doesn't like it, theres the door. (kind of a self rant)
Struggling to deal with feelings
Long story short - my b/f and I broke up three years ago. He is an addict/alkie, but I was his: body, heart and soul.
With and without drugs, we had the best times and we just "fit" together. Let's just say, we have to be apart. It's the best thing for all concerned. He is the father of my child, will always be in my life and I will always love him.
Basically, I felt horrible, I wanted to die, but instead I drank and took painkillers for three years. Which I am now trying to stop. But it is really hurting. It is like we just broke up.
I can see myself coping with everyday life again, the stresses and stuff, but this emotional stuff from so long ago has just come up and smacked me so hard. I'm one second away from crying all the time.
Having the mentality of a two year old, I want someone to say something magical that is going to take all my pain away!!!
With and without drugs, we had the best times and we just "fit" together. Let's just say, we have to be apart. It's the best thing for all concerned. He is the father of my child, will always be in my life and I will always love him.
Basically, I felt horrible, I wanted to die, but instead I drank and took painkillers for three years. Which I am now trying to stop. But it is really hurting. It is like we just broke up.
I can see myself coping with everyday life again, the stresses and stuff, but this emotional stuff from so long ago has just come up and smacked me so hard. I'm one second away from crying all the time.
Having the mentality of a two year old, I want someone to say something magical that is going to take all my pain away!!!
More Strugglin’….
Apologies in advance for another Dee strugglin' thread - don't know where to put this one even...
it's recovery based tho I guess.
so those of you who know me probably know I have cerebral palsy.
Most of you will also probably know I've been falling a lot recently.
Not many of you know I was in hospital with concussion a week or so ago. Kept it quiet LOL.
Testing times - and the best doctors can tell me so far is...nothing - nothing verifiable anyway - it's 'probably just a combination of CP and age catching up with me'. Ok fine.
All thats ok....took me a while, but I can live with the falls and, to a certain extent, the uncertainty now.
but now...my mother calls me tonight - she's been visiting my brother in another city - she says
'we were in a sports store - I nearly bought you some protective headgear but the others wouldn't let me'
...then she LAUGHS uproariously - like its the best joke in the world.
OK....my mum and I have *never* been on the same wavelength - and, sure, I might sometimes be a sensitive old alkie - but this really killed me.
Laugh with me, sure - chances are I'll laugh when I fall anyway, unless I'm really hurt....but laugh at me? ridicule me?
I felt like I was 5 again - the same despair, the same anger, the same helplessness.
I'm not 'disabled' - I'm clumsy, or stupid or rushing or not looking where I'm going....for my parents it seems to be anything but the reality - I have CP and my body is not always mine to control.
It's no-ones fault - so why do I feel it's mine?
If my partner hadn't been there? I might be drunk now - I went into auto pilot I know that. I finished the call, politely and without drama, like I've been conditioned to do....
and then I went for a walk - at a stupidly punishing pace - to try let go of this....and was so lost in my own head I basically walked out into traffic....
I'm not making this into something it's not. I've looked at my part - I've tried damn hard to be a good son - I've made mistakes but I've tried to make amends for them too (my alcoholism is not an issue here - I didn't live at home and they deny I had a problem anyway - I just drank too much, apparently....).
This is the latest in a long line of incidents, with both my mother and father.
Maybe I'm making excuses, but I don't even know if it's malicious - they both just fundamentally fail to understand me or my life - and have never tried in my opinion.
What really hurts most is my mother would never comprehend she hurt me, much less admit it. She'd say I was being 'ridiculous' - we've had this conversation before....or tried to - talking about feelings and stuff is not a family trait LOL. It would be slightly easier for me to run a 4 minute mile I think.....
so - when is enough enough? when do I let go and walk away for my own good? and what are the mechanics of that?
I dunno. Much more I could write but you get the gist.
I just needed to vent....and to see if anyone had any comments, suggestions, or ideas, cos...I just dunno right now...I really don't.
thanks
D
it's recovery based tho I guess.
so those of you who know me probably know I have cerebral palsy.
Most of you will also probably know I've been falling a lot recently.
Not many of you know I was in hospital with concussion a week or so ago. Kept it quiet LOL.
Testing times - and the best doctors can tell me so far is...nothing - nothing verifiable anyway - it's 'probably just a combination of CP and age catching up with me'. Ok fine.
All thats ok....took me a while, but I can live with the falls and, to a certain extent, the uncertainty now.
but now...my mother calls me tonight - she's been visiting my brother in another city - she says
'we were in a sports store - I nearly bought you some protective headgear but the others wouldn't let me'
...then she LAUGHS uproariously - like its the best joke in the world.
OK....my mum and I have *never* been on the same wavelength - and, sure, I might sometimes be a sensitive old alkie - but this really killed me.
Laugh with me, sure - chances are I'll laugh when I fall anyway, unless I'm really hurt....but laugh at me? ridicule me?
I felt like I was 5 again - the same despair, the same anger, the same helplessness.
I'm not 'disabled' - I'm clumsy, or stupid or rushing or not looking where I'm going....for my parents it seems to be anything but the reality - I have CP and my body is not always mine to control.
It's no-ones fault - so why do I feel it's mine?
If my partner hadn't been there? I might be drunk now - I went into auto pilot I know that. I finished the call, politely and without drama, like I've been conditioned to do....
and then I went for a walk - at a stupidly punishing pace - to try let go of this....and was so lost in my own head I basically walked out into traffic....
I'm not making this into something it's not. I've looked at my part - I've tried damn hard to be a good son - I've made mistakes but I've tried to make amends for them too (my alcoholism is not an issue here - I didn't live at home and they deny I had a problem anyway - I just drank too much, apparently....).
This is the latest in a long line of incidents, with both my mother and father.
Maybe I'm making excuses, but I don't even know if it's malicious - they both just fundamentally fail to understand me or my life - and have never tried in my opinion.
What really hurts most is my mother would never comprehend she hurt me, much less admit it. She'd say I was being 'ridiculous' - we've had this conversation before....or tried to - talking about feelings and stuff is not a family trait LOL. It would be slightly easier for me to run a 4 minute mile I think.....
so - when is enough enough? when do I let go and walk away for my own good? and what are the mechanics of that?
I dunno. Much more I could write but you get the gist.
I just needed to vent....and to see if anyone had any comments, suggestions, or ideas, cos...I just dunno right now...I really don't.
thanks
D
Healing from “Abuse”
Givelove's Thread really set the wheels in my head turning, great thread, thanks everyone for participating
I started thinking (hush I know that's dangerous haha) but I remembered when I got sober in 92' the first day I got sober my "co" and I went to couples counseling.
This was back when I was a "straight alkie" I was quite literally a sociopath with no concept of my impact on those around me. I was and had been "The Designated Patient" she had been horrifically mean to me, but since I got drunk nearly every night she went to work, and was frequently unfaithful I "deserved" this punishment.
So we were in therapy, and I was fully prepared to be "the sick one", "take my lumps" and be told "I was the bad guy" and it was "all my fault"
The therapist had a different agenda however, she asked a lot of questions, and "M" ended up telling this story about a Dog she had, this dog wouldn't "mind" her and "do what it was told" she ended up tying the dog up with a one foot leash and beating it with a two by four, describing hitting it again and again as hard as she could with this piece of wood.
I, once again, was prepared for this to be "all my fault" and "be the bad guy" so the therapist started asking me questions, and within 5 minutes I was crying and raging, she managed to bring out rage and despair that I never realized was there, sobbing and crying, "I am that Dog, she DOES beat me like that, that's EXACTLY how I feel."
OK...now...
That story has nothing to do with my last relationship, but it introduced:
"THE DOG"
Today I started thinking about that Dog, at what point is that Dog allowed to "bite back"? What should "The Dog" do to take care of itself and this quote keeps going through my mind.
So I started thinking about that statement
Emotional reactions in self-defense to an abusive situation do NOT make YOU an "abuser"
Where do I draw the line?
to continue "The Dog" allegory, I came up with this
If the Dog needed to bite in order to get away, biting was acceptable, but the healthy thing for the Dog to do IS to get away.
By staying in a relationship with someone who's behaviors exactly matched Physical & Emotional Abuse Forum: Some traits of emotional abusers... - DailyStrengthEventually I started "biting back" but every time I would "run away from Home" to get away, she would lure me back with "Doggy treats" whereupon she would "beat me some more"
Here's the important part for me.
It got to every time she would even raise her hand, I would "bite her"
I had "gone mean" we have all seen it, the Dog that's beaten so much it starts biting everyone.
I figuratively have been "standing outside her house barking at her" since I left.
Even after I "ran away" a few weeks ago, I was still "head shy", barking at everyone who walked by, and potentially a disaster if I were to start seeing someone before I healed, because I'm still "mean" and 'head shy" and if she "raises her hand" I'm going to "bite her" in order to "protect myself."
After I initially broke up with her, I had found that article about abuse and "called her" on it, then of course she "got pregnant" and we got back together, but the time on the "wheel" posted by Givelove was under two weeks and I walked away listening to:
Then after I left I got:
but I'm done now you know?
you know that old saying "that dawg won't hunt" when describing something that won't work as described?
that's right, this "Dawgs" done a huntin
Anyhow, I hope that made sense, I'm onna go wake up "my master" and have him "take me to the beach" where he can "throw the tennis ball" all day and I can play in the waves.
I'm done "biting people" "barking at houses" and growling at people if they get to close.
I'm a Black Lab I decided, they are stupid and smart, and graceful and clumsy, all at the same time, they are also the friendliest dogs ever if you treat them right, you rarely see a mean Lab, but they will bite if pushed into a corner hard enough. I'm done being a "junkyard dog" that just barks at people just because they walk by.
So here's the question:
What kind of Dog are you and how are you going to care for that thar dawg?
I started thinking (hush I know that's dangerous haha) but I remembered when I got sober in 92' the first day I got sober my "co" and I went to couples counseling.
This was back when I was a "straight alkie" I was quite literally a sociopath with no concept of my impact on those around me. I was and had been "The Designated Patient" she had been horrifically mean to me, but since I got drunk nearly every night she went to work, and was frequently unfaithful I "deserved" this punishment.
So we were in therapy, and I was fully prepared to be "the sick one", "take my lumps" and be told "I was the bad guy" and it was "all my fault"
The therapist had a different agenda however, she asked a lot of questions, and "M" ended up telling this story about a Dog she had, this dog wouldn't "mind" her and "do what it was told" she ended up tying the dog up with a one foot leash and beating it with a two by four, describing hitting it again and again as hard as she could with this piece of wood.
I, once again, was prepared for this to be "all my fault" and "be the bad guy" so the therapist started asking me questions, and within 5 minutes I was crying and raging, she managed to bring out rage and despair that I never realized was there, sobbing and crying, "I am that Dog, she DOES beat me like that, that's EXACTLY how I feel."
OK...now...
That story has nothing to do with my last relationship, but it introduced:
"THE DOG"
Today I started thinking about that Dog, at what point is that Dog allowed to "bite back"? What should "The Dog" do to take care of itself and this quote keeps going through my mind.
Quote:
|
As part of this "control" technique, the abuser may "set up" his partner, pushing as many buttons as possible to get the partner to lose control by breaking down in tears or getting angry or yelling. If you raise your voice, he will insist that YOU are the abuser. Don't buy it, and don't believe it. While there might be better ways to handle the situation, (more easily enacted if you weren't emotionally involved with this person), chances are that he has inflicted so much psychological warfare that you have been backed into an emotional corner, and are reacting in self-defense. Emotional reactions in self-defense to an abusive situation do NOT make YOU an "abuser". |
Emotional reactions in self-defense to an abusive situation do NOT make YOU an "abuser"
Where do I draw the line?
to continue "The Dog" allegory, I came up with this
If the Dog needed to bite in order to get away, biting was acceptable, but the healthy thing for the Dog to do IS to get away.
By staying in a relationship with someone who's behaviors exactly matched Physical & Emotional Abuse Forum: Some traits of emotional abusers... - DailyStrengthEventually I started "biting back" but every time I would "run away from Home" to get away, she would lure me back with "Doggy treats" whereupon she would "beat me some more"
Here's the important part for me.
It got to every time she would even raise her hand, I would "bite her"
I had "gone mean" we have all seen it, the Dog that's beaten so much it starts biting everyone.
I figuratively have been "standing outside her house barking at her" since I left.
Even after I "ran away" a few weeks ago, I was still "head shy", barking at everyone who walked by, and potentially a disaster if I were to start seeing someone before I healed, because I'm still "mean" and 'head shy" and if she "raises her hand" I'm going to "bite her" in order to "protect myself."
After I initially broke up with her, I had found that article about abuse and "called her" on it, then of course she "got pregnant" and we got back together, but the time on the "wheel" posted by Givelove was under two weeks and I walked away listening to:
Quote:
|
Emotional abusers deny that they have any problems and/or project their problems onto their partner, often accusing their partners of abuse - especially AFTER the partner has woken up and called the abuser on his behavior. At this point he will be sure to tell as many *mutual* friends as will listen, that she is controlling and abusive to him, in an attempt to further undermine any support she might get. |
Quote:
|
An emotional abuser sees himself as a blameless victim, and denies his own provocative behavior, even going so far as to bemoan the fact that a partner left him, or threw him out, "after all the things I did for her"... The emotional abuser will play up the "pathos" in an attempt to garner sympathy, all the while, continuing to stalk his ex. |
you know that old saying "that dawg won't hunt" when describing something that won't work as described?
that's right, this "Dawgs" done a huntin
Anyhow, I hope that made sense, I'm onna go wake up "my master" and have him "take me to the beach" where he can "throw the tennis ball" all day and I can play in the waves.
I'm done "biting people" "barking at houses" and growling at people if they get to close.
I'm a Black Lab I decided, they are stupid and smart, and graceful and clumsy, all at the same time, they are also the friendliest dogs ever if you treat them right, you rarely see a mean Lab, but they will bite if pushed into a corner hard enough. I'm done being a "junkyard dog" that just barks at people just because they walk by.
So here's the question:
What kind of Dog are you and how are you going to care for that thar dawg?
Update on Aristo
Hi Folks,
I haven't been on here for ages - but thought I would give you an update. SR played an important part in my early early days.
I've now been sober for 20 months. Life gets better and better.
I have a good job, good car, nice house etc
I am in a healthy, loving relationship, yes with a woman ! ( i never thought that would happen)
I have untangled my relationship with my immediate family (mum, Dad , Sis) but we still catch up etc - it's all good.
I do a meeting a day still
I do service
I belong to a group
I go to all the AA functions and rallies I can
I have a beautiful, wonderful man as my sponsor
I gave up doing it my way - it is just way too hard - resistance is futile.
I am on my Step 9 after doing a very thorough 1-8
I listened to the OSMs and took their advice even when I thought it was BS
I am in contact with another alkie at least once a day
So life is great - I can't believe it
The promises are true - something I thought was a fairy tail and could never happen to me
thanks for being here !
Aristo
I haven't been on here for ages - but thought I would give you an update. SR played an important part in my early early days.
I've now been sober for 20 months. Life gets better and better.
I have a good job, good car, nice house etc
I am in a healthy, loving relationship, yes with a woman ! ( i never thought that would happen)
I have untangled my relationship with my immediate family (mum, Dad , Sis) but we still catch up etc - it's all good.
I do a meeting a day still
I do service
I belong to a group
I go to all the AA functions and rallies I can
I have a beautiful, wonderful man as my sponsor
I gave up doing it my way - it is just way too hard - resistance is futile.
I am on my Step 9 after doing a very thorough 1-8
I listened to the OSMs and took their advice even when I thought it was BS
I am in contact with another alkie at least once a day
So life is great - I can't believe it
The promises are true - something I thought was a fairy tail and could never happen to me
thanks for being here !
Aristo
What is going on here??????
I have not seen as much pee spitting go on here as I have lately in a long time!
Nit picking to the max?
Where is the love and tolerance we seek?
The Peace?
The serenity?
Have we really quit fighting anything and any one even alcohol?
It does not look like it to this old alkie?
Am I taking others inventory? Well if the shoe fits maybe one should wear it.... or maybe they should take the shoe off! LOL
Nit picking to the max?
Where is the love and tolerance we seek?
The Peace?
The serenity?
Have we really quit fighting anything and any one even alcohol?
It does not look like it to this old alkie?
Am I taking others inventory? Well if the shoe fits maybe one should wear it.... or maybe they should take the shoe off! LOL
Don’t want to say something stupid
Hello all,
After a brief respite, I am back living in dry drunk land. I will try to keep it short:
Lost job recently. Not a whole lot of money. Stressful. Today, dog bites daughter (not the first time he's bitten, bit me a month ago) and plan to return him to shelter where my partner got him. (as per the signed agreement when he was adopted). This is pretty depressing right?
What I'm doing to cope (as an alkie in recovery): meetings, phoning sponsor, talking to other folks in the program, searching for job, going to job fairs etc, praying and praying and praying. Working on my 9th step. Focusing on the day ahead of me.
What my partner is doing to cope: laying around and not talking. Not going to meetings, not calling her sponsor, not working the steps, not reaching out.
I am up to my eyeballs with this behavior. I am close to the end of this relationship if this continues to be the way she handles life. I do not want to act impulsively, and I also do not want to take her inventory.
Any suggestions on communicating my feelings to her in a non judgmental and caring way?
Thanks!
After a brief respite, I am back living in dry drunk land. I will try to keep it short:
Lost job recently. Not a whole lot of money. Stressful. Today, dog bites daughter (not the first time he's bitten, bit me a month ago) and plan to return him to shelter where my partner got him. (as per the signed agreement when he was adopted). This is pretty depressing right?
What I'm doing to cope (as an alkie in recovery): meetings, phoning sponsor, talking to other folks in the program, searching for job, going to job fairs etc, praying and praying and praying. Working on my 9th step. Focusing on the day ahead of me.
What my partner is doing to cope: laying around and not talking. Not going to meetings, not calling her sponsor, not working the steps, not reaching out.
I am up to my eyeballs with this behavior. I am close to the end of this relationship if this continues to be the way she handles life. I do not want to act impulsively, and I also do not want to take her inventory.
Any suggestions on communicating my feelings to her in a non judgmental and caring way?
Thanks!
It’s Usually Not A Good Sign When We Go Missing. . .
Yeah, it's usually not the best sign when one of us regulars goes missing for a few weeks. While this isn't always true, well, it is pretty true for me. As many of you know I will be coming up on 5 months sober. I posted not too long ago about a slip-up I had, then it seems I kind of went into hiding from SR. I shouldn't have.
Just to let my friends out there know that I am indeed alive and well, I thought I'd post a quick note about what's been going on in my life. I am the constant worryer. Always have been, probably always will be. I'm also the fixer. Working in the medical field, it is just a part of who I am. You wouldn't want a doctor or nurse working on you who didn't have the personality of being a fixer now would you?
So here's what's going on that has me so preoccupied. I am quite sure that my oldest brother who moved back into my mom's house about a year ago is an alcoholic. Although I've never been an alkie, I have been a pill popper for 5 years. I know the signs, and yeah, they're all there unfortunately. Things kind of came to a head when I found him attempting to move an enormous recliner up my mom's narrow staircase while he was stumbling about and slurring. A little later that day, I thought I was going to lose it when he took off in my car, without me even knowing about it! When he got back, thank God in one piece, I did yell at him and asked him what the hell he thought he was doing. When he acted like he didn't know what I was talking about, I accused him of being drunk. He simply said nothing, went upstairs, and didn't talk to me for about 4 days. Oh, I forgot to mention that while he was off driving my car around drunk, I went to his room and confirmed my suspicions. Not only was there a nearly empty bottle of whisky sitting out, but in the bag he carries to work there was another a bottle of liquor.
Anyway, I told my mom about it that evening. I don't live with her all the time. I have my own house, but am at her's a few days out of the week. She said she would talk to him. But she still hasn't and this has been about 2 weeks ago. I also talked to my therapist about it, and he said what I basically already knew. In this situation, I CANNOT be the "fixer". So do I just sit back and wait for him to hit bottom--just like I did with the pills? It's sooo hard to see someone else going through that when you know just how it feels to be at the point of despair. I would not wish that on my worst enemy!!!!
And my sweet, precious mother. God what this must be doing to her. She is my best friend, and has been with me every step of the way during the process of me getting clean. She is 68 y/o and still works, but not b/c she has to, b/c after my dad passed away she didn't want to think of being at home alone. It seems like since I started getting clean, her health has deteriorated, and I can't help but wonder how much my addiction has had a role in that. And now I think, why should she have to go through it again with my brother? But I know she will b/c she is the ultimate in moms' and that is what they do best.
She has been undergoing a lot of medical tests herself b/c of her declining health. So far things are looking fairly good. But she is a diabetic and has early kidney failure. Knowing what I know when it comes to medicine, I know just how dangerous this can be for her.
As far as me, well, I slipped again last Friday and Saturday. And yeah, I'm pi$$ed at myself for doing it. I did it to see if I could escape if just for an hour or so. Even though being on the suboxone, I knew I couldn't get high and I still did it anyway. Not sure why I'm testing the waters so much here lately other than the stress; the stress I cannot do anything about. It's time for me to step away from the situation, and work at this harder. I've read about some other trials that people here are going through recently, and I think how do they do it? How are they not giving in? And I'm so proud of them for not turning to drugs or alcohol. And ashamed that I did.
I apologize for the long, ramblings. . . I just needed to tell someone about this. Thanks to all for listening. It's good to be back. Peace and Love to each and every one of you!!
Love,
butterfly19 (SP)
:ghug2
Just to let my friends out there know that I am indeed alive and well, I thought I'd post a quick note about what's been going on in my life. I am the constant worryer. Always have been, probably always will be. I'm also the fixer. Working in the medical field, it is just a part of who I am. You wouldn't want a doctor or nurse working on you who didn't have the personality of being a fixer now would you?
So here's what's going on that has me so preoccupied. I am quite sure that my oldest brother who moved back into my mom's house about a year ago is an alcoholic. Although I've never been an alkie, I have been a pill popper for 5 years. I know the signs, and yeah, they're all there unfortunately. Things kind of came to a head when I found him attempting to move an enormous recliner up my mom's narrow staircase while he was stumbling about and slurring. A little later that day, I thought I was going to lose it when he took off in my car, without me even knowing about it! When he got back, thank God in one piece, I did yell at him and asked him what the hell he thought he was doing. When he acted like he didn't know what I was talking about, I accused him of being drunk. He simply said nothing, went upstairs, and didn't talk to me for about 4 days. Oh, I forgot to mention that while he was off driving my car around drunk, I went to his room and confirmed my suspicions. Not only was there a nearly empty bottle of whisky sitting out, but in the bag he carries to work there was another a bottle of liquor.
Anyway, I told my mom about it that evening. I don't live with her all the time. I have my own house, but am at her's a few days out of the week. She said she would talk to him. But she still hasn't and this has been about 2 weeks ago. I also talked to my therapist about it, and he said what I basically already knew. In this situation, I CANNOT be the "fixer". So do I just sit back and wait for him to hit bottom--just like I did with the pills? It's sooo hard to see someone else going through that when you know just how it feels to be at the point of despair. I would not wish that on my worst enemy!!!!
And my sweet, precious mother. God what this must be doing to her. She is my best friend, and has been with me every step of the way during the process of me getting clean. She is 68 y/o and still works, but not b/c she has to, b/c after my dad passed away she didn't want to think of being at home alone. It seems like since I started getting clean, her health has deteriorated, and I can't help but wonder how much my addiction has had a role in that. And now I think, why should she have to go through it again with my brother? But I know she will b/c she is the ultimate in moms' and that is what they do best.
She has been undergoing a lot of medical tests herself b/c of her declining health. So far things are looking fairly good. But she is a diabetic and has early kidney failure. Knowing what I know when it comes to medicine, I know just how dangerous this can be for her.
As far as me, well, I slipped again last Friday and Saturday. And yeah, I'm pi$$ed at myself for doing it. I did it to see if I could escape if just for an hour or so. Even though being on the suboxone, I knew I couldn't get high and I still did it anyway. Not sure why I'm testing the waters so much here lately other than the stress; the stress I cannot do anything about. It's time for me to step away from the situation, and work at this harder. I've read about some other trials that people here are going through recently, and I think how do they do it? How are they not giving in? And I'm so proud of them for not turning to drugs or alcohol. And ashamed that I did.
I apologize for the long, ramblings. . . I just needed to tell someone about this. Thanks to all for listening. It's good to be back. Peace and Love to each and every one of you!!
Love,
butterfly19 (SP)
:ghug2
Ive got 5 yrs soberity today
well i cant beleive it , but then i can but what seemed a lifetime away is here today. I can recall where I was exactly what I was doing 5 yrs ago today . today 5 yrs ago I was commin clean with what had happened to my family and wasnt no easy task, will they beleive me will they be mad at me , will they support me . I was soo scared of admitting to another human being the natures of my wrongs , And my family has stood behind me 1000% . What a big breath I took after saying it outloud. I knew I was going to be OK as long as I had there support . Theres many out there that stuggle with telling loved one, shame guilt embarasment , and sooo many other feeling that we hid inside each glass or bottle . Im here to say , yes it was hard but in the end it made a differance in staying sober in my life , They knew all along I was a alkie but its hard for a loved one to call you out on it , My family just accepted me for who I was . And prayed one day that I would come to find Im worth more to myself and others sober. I was on the top of a peaked roof and I could of fallen either way, Staying drunk im my own self pity of its so so's fault or find the will and way to get myself help. I choose to get help and Im so greatful to my HP for being in my life and showing me a softer more easier way, I dont know how to repay other then share my experiences with those who still suffer and hope I can make an impact on there lifes to change . It is possible were proof of that ... Thanks SR for giving me a place I can feel at home and meet some fantasic ppl who share the same things .. peace out all :bday2
Final Confrontation with the now Ex Husband
My that felt good just writing that statement!
Hi everyone, I wanted to post an update and let you all know where I am. I picked up my furniture on Tuesday from my girlfriends apt. My ex lives in the same building.
Seems he has been introducing his new female friend to my friends in the building. That didn't take long - 3 weeks! Also found out that this is the same woman he had had an affair with 15 years ago. Makes me wonder just how long it's been going on.
Well I decided to confront him not only with this knowledge but also to tell him how I felt, when I said "goodbye I'm leaving" it was written.
It felt very good to stand up to him and tell him (clearly, quietly, unemotionally, without tears) that I was hurt and angry at him and myself for believing all the lies and deception for so many years. I also told him that I am working thru this anger, letting it go and letting him go. I told him that he did me a huge favor by showing thru his actions what type of person he is - an active alcoholic. I wished him good luck and walked away.
It was so empowering, all these years and I have never spoken to him directly about this, yep that elephant in the living room!
I was somewhat shocked at his appearance, he looks exactly like a stereotype alkie looks like, dirty and smelly. Throughout the conversation, he never said a word, wouldn't look at me directly, didn't say a word until the end when he said, thanks for dropping in. And this is the man I loved and gave up so much for. This is the man that even after all he has done to me (I allowed this) I still had feelings for him, the fantasy. Wow I saw the reality that day.
I shouldn't be surprised though. Anyway, I've given this up and over and feeling much better.
I'm very grateful for everything that has been happening these past few weeks. Yes I've had some down time, some tears, some fears but mostly the feeling of freedom. I am responsible now for myself, for my life, for my feelings. I'm doing this one step at a time and learning more and more each day.
Thank you for being here for me, have a great day and talk/read from you soon - K.
Hi everyone, I wanted to post an update and let you all know where I am. I picked up my furniture on Tuesday from my girlfriends apt. My ex lives in the same building.
Seems he has been introducing his new female friend to my friends in the building. That didn't take long - 3 weeks! Also found out that this is the same woman he had had an affair with 15 years ago. Makes me wonder just how long it's been going on.
Well I decided to confront him not only with this knowledge but also to tell him how I felt, when I said "goodbye I'm leaving" it was written.
It felt very good to stand up to him and tell him (clearly, quietly, unemotionally, without tears) that I was hurt and angry at him and myself for believing all the lies and deception for so many years. I also told him that I am working thru this anger, letting it go and letting him go. I told him that he did me a huge favor by showing thru his actions what type of person he is - an active alcoholic. I wished him good luck and walked away.
It was so empowering, all these years and I have never spoken to him directly about this, yep that elephant in the living room!
I was somewhat shocked at his appearance, he looks exactly like a stereotype alkie looks like, dirty and smelly. Throughout the conversation, he never said a word, wouldn't look at me directly, didn't say a word until the end when he said, thanks for dropping in. And this is the man I loved and gave up so much for. This is the man that even after all he has done to me (I allowed this) I still had feelings for him, the fantasy. Wow I saw the reality that day.
I shouldn't be surprised though. Anyway, I've given this up and over and feeling much better.
I'm very grateful for everything that has been happening these past few weeks. Yes I've had some down time, some tears, some fears but mostly the feeling of freedom. I am responsible now for myself, for my life, for my feelings. I'm doing this one step at a time and learning more and more each day.
Thank you for being here for me, have a great day and talk/read from you soon - K.
