Archive for the ‘Alwa’ tag
I feel trapped (This is a whiney post, so be warned…)
I don’t like doing this but I felt like I had to put my whininess out here. I would have put it in Whiners Anonymous, but it’s a little too long (besides, I like using WA for more humorous complaints).
It’s not exactly a bad day, but not good, either. I'm starting to get that pseudo-panicky feeling (I’m not quite sure how to describe it)...like I just need to get far away from everyone (myself included). I drank a fair amount last night and want more tonight, but I'm not leaving the house to get any.
I'm not where I need to be in life. I do not know how to get to where I want to go. Organizational skills would help but I seem to be lacking in that department. I'm getting too old for this crap. I'm supposed to be a self-sufficient person. I hate depending upon people. I'm not even living on my own right now. When I was on my own, I was living in a crappy apartment making it paycheck to paycheck and wasting my "disposable income" on tons of booze.
I've never had a good job my entire working career. I have a degree and I flip burgers for a living. I am stuck working a low wage job with no hopes for better employment. As much as I told myself that I was not going to let it bother me this time around, I don’t know how to do that. All I’m doing right now is dreading tomorrow in that negative workplace. I deserve so much better than what I do now. I just need someone in this crappy town to give me a freakin’ chance. I am a great worker plus I can think for myself. I do not need to be micromanaged and I am dependable.
I am lonely. I am starved for face to face adult conversation. I do not know how to take charge of my “happiness level”. I cannot “think it and be it”. I cannot “fake it until I make it”. With each day that passes I feel like I know less and that means confusion galore. Nothing makes any sense to me--add that onto the fact that I’ve always felt out of place. I’m so tired of not knowing what I should do, of not knowing what will work for me.
This makes me so mad. I was creating art work again. I was getting excited about it. I haven’t done anything with it today because the motivation is simply not there. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just produce? The desire is there, but I don’t know how to get back what it is that I lost. I feel like there’s a part of me that’s a little dead inside.
It’s not exactly a bad day, but not good, either. I'm starting to get that pseudo-panicky feeling (I’m not quite sure how to describe it)...like I just need to get far away from everyone (myself included). I drank a fair amount last night and want more tonight, but I'm not leaving the house to get any.
I'm not where I need to be in life. I do not know how to get to where I want to go. Organizational skills would help but I seem to be lacking in that department. I'm getting too old for this crap. I'm supposed to be a self-sufficient person. I hate depending upon people. I'm not even living on my own right now. When I was on my own, I was living in a crappy apartment making it paycheck to paycheck and wasting my "disposable income" on tons of booze.
I've never had a good job my entire working career. I have a degree and I flip burgers for a living. I am stuck working a low wage job with no hopes for better employment. As much as I told myself that I was not going to let it bother me this time around, I don’t know how to do that. All I’m doing right now is dreading tomorrow in that negative workplace. I deserve so much better than what I do now. I just need someone in this crappy town to give me a freakin’ chance. I am a great worker plus I can think for myself. I do not need to be micromanaged and I am dependable.
I am lonely. I am starved for face to face adult conversation. I do not know how to take charge of my “happiness level”. I cannot “think it and be it”. I cannot “fake it until I make it”. With each day that passes I feel like I know less and that means confusion galore. Nothing makes any sense to me--add that onto the fact that I’ve always felt out of place. I’m so tired of not knowing what I should do, of not knowing what will work for me.
This makes me so mad. I was creating art work again. I was getting excited about it. I haven’t done anything with it today because the motivation is simply not there. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just produce? The desire is there, but I don’t know how to get back what it is that I lost. I feel like there’s a part of me that’s a little dead inside.
Wanted to share my story
Hi, I joined a few days ago and have just been going through the posts to see if this is for me. I have been going to Al-Anon since Apr 10 of this year. It has had a tremendous affect on me. Of all the times I have gone to meetings, I have never told me story. I just want to tell a small portion, here it is: My story is probably similar to you all. I had a fairly normal childhood but struggled with self-worth and wanted acceptance; which I felt I never got from the people I wanted it from. I wanted to see the world and joined the Air Force when I was 20. I married (eloped) and had a baby with the first boyfriend I had ever had in my life. I think I did it because I really didnÂ’t think anyone would really want me. Therein lies the deep root of most co-dependents. Anyways, we went on with our lives and I really tried to find the deep love I was looking for. He started drinking heavy when our second son we had together died at 5 months. It got worse and worse over the years. I got worse and worse over the years; to the point that I really thought I had some serious emotional problems. Life was hell the last 10 years of our marriage and our oldest boy who was a junior in high school was suffering the most of our sham of a marriage. I needed out (I found out later I ran away from things instead of facing them). After 17 years of marriage, I moved my youngest boy out with me to a small apartment.
Within a few weeks I met a man (why I was looking I will never know) and I feel for him like a ton of bricks. He was handsome, funny and gave me the attention I had always needed and wanted. I never felt those HUGE red flags hit me over the head. We moved in together one and half years later. The three years we were together he drank drank and drank again. I thought I could control the drinking by drinking with him. Boy, was I wrong; wrong about a lot of things. As time went on I became afraid, angry and fed up with his possessiveness, jealousy, alcoholism, sloppiness and “always right” attitude. :c004: I was afraid to leave because of threats and so forth or should I say I became “submissive” to his behavior. Four years ago around his birthday, he was drinking a lot one evening and getting very aggressive with me. I was frightened for my life, but did not leave. Over the next two days I watched this man I once loved turn into a monster. He choked, kicked, belittled me and finally chased my son and I down the street with his gun shooting at us. The police came and it took 8 hours to take him away. That was my out! Not good way to end a love affair but that was enough of that. The next few years were on and off boyfriends who couldn’t do anything right (in my eyes anyway).:abcd:
I went into therapy to see if I could function in the world with self-esteem and not let anyone step on me again. I was doing well and definitely needed the help. Well now, I have met a man who is a recovering alcoholic. I donÂ’t know why I pick these men. (I donÂ’t seem to have an attraction to anyone unless they have some kind of addiction or something.) I fell in love with him and started feeling all those co-dependent ways come flooding back. But this time, I was aware that there was something missing from my life. I went to al-anon and it is the best thing that has happened in quite some time. I am still dealing with all my relationships in my life and how I handled them. Every day is a struggle but every day is a blessing. Even though I work my program, I still have those days when I drop down to Step One and my life become totally unmanageable.
I am glad I found Al-Anon and this forum when I canÂ’t go to meetings or read my books. Recovery is slow and neverending. I long for enriching and loving relationships for the best years of my life. BTY, my son goes to Alateen and LOVES it!!!
:c004:
Within a few weeks I met a man (why I was looking I will never know) and I feel for him like a ton of bricks. He was handsome, funny and gave me the attention I had always needed and wanted. I never felt those HUGE red flags hit me over the head. We moved in together one and half years later. The three years we were together he drank drank and drank again. I thought I could control the drinking by drinking with him. Boy, was I wrong; wrong about a lot of things. As time went on I became afraid, angry and fed up with his possessiveness, jealousy, alcoholism, sloppiness and “always right” attitude. :c004: I was afraid to leave because of threats and so forth or should I say I became “submissive” to his behavior. Four years ago around his birthday, he was drinking a lot one evening and getting very aggressive with me. I was frightened for my life, but did not leave. Over the next two days I watched this man I once loved turn into a monster. He choked, kicked, belittled me and finally chased my son and I down the street with his gun shooting at us. The police came and it took 8 hours to take him away. That was my out! Not good way to end a love affair but that was enough of that. The next few years were on and off boyfriends who couldn’t do anything right (in my eyes anyway).:abcd:
I went into therapy to see if I could function in the world with self-esteem and not let anyone step on me again. I was doing well and definitely needed the help. Well now, I have met a man who is a recovering alcoholic. I donÂ’t know why I pick these men. (I donÂ’t seem to have an attraction to anyone unless they have some kind of addiction or something.) I fell in love with him and started feeling all those co-dependent ways come flooding back. But this time, I was aware that there was something missing from my life. I went to al-anon and it is the best thing that has happened in quite some time. I am still dealing with all my relationships in my life and how I handled them. Every day is a struggle but every day is a blessing. Even though I work my program, I still have those days when I drop down to Step One and my life become totally unmanageable.
I am glad I found Al-Anon and this forum when I canÂ’t go to meetings or read my books. Recovery is slow and neverending. I long for enriching and loving relationships for the best years of my life. BTY, my son goes to Alateen and LOVES it!!!
:c004:
