Drug Rehab Options Blog

Hello All,

I posted last week explaining that my alcoholic partner had left me after a hard 5 years, we have a baby together and since his alcoholic Father has come into a lot of money (7 weeks ago now) he has stopped contacting me about mine and her wellbeing, left the family home, us, his car, his job and not turned up for several meetings with her (though I wanted to see him too) arranged through his Sister, when we have spoken he's told me several times that it's over, accept it and that he doesn't love me anymore, though this I am finding so very very difficult to accept because before his fathers Money he did really appear to love me and her and I really know that he did despite all the difficulties his lifestyle gave us.

You all gave me tremendous words of support and I had a great weekend with my family and friends really feling one step closer to finding normal again.

Anyhow, felt the need to write becasue today I feel dreadful. My best friend was out in our local pub and then on to a nightclub last night and he was out seemingly having the time of his life, she is very honest with me and simply said that he was drunk (obviously) but quite content and full of fun and didn't even ask her how either of us were (she was always a good family friend so I find this just plain odd).

I now feel a mix of things, 1. All the sadness and missing him has resurfaced and I just want to call his sisters phone to even be able to talk to him though I know he will just want me off the phone and I'll feel even worse at the end. 2.Jealousy I guess that others are still able to spend happy times with him but we are not as he finds it too problematic. 3. Anger, whilst he hasn't contributed a penny to her in 7 weeks - all my household bills are the same and I'm struggling and cold he is able to go to expensive nightclubs without even a thought.

So these are my questions if any of you can help again-

How do I get over all this again? And do you think he really, really doesn't love me so much he can't even bear to see me or speak to me and his baby daughter who he seemed to adore. Does any part of him miss me? and if it does would he even recognise it after 7 weeks of solid heavy drinking?

I know how I'm coming across and I know the answer, that I need to concentrate on me, which I was feeling I was doing but obviously that must have been false because I'm right back where I was 7 weeks ago today, I think the tablets for depression are working and it'd good not to have the angst of living with a drunk but the yearning and emptiness that his leaving has left behind today, feels worse than all of the disaster and chaos we had when he was there.

So sorry for bleating on again, but this has been a lifeline for me, you are all so wise and kind. x

I'm hoping some of you can give me some insite as to what its like being a child of an alcoholic. I'm currently going through a divorce and have a son who is 6 and a daughter who is 2. My STBXAH sees the kids on a regular basis when I have school or when the kids stay at his parents. I have asked a few people about being a child of divorce. Some have told me that they felt anger at a parent for trying to keep them away from the alcoholic parent and some have said that they wish someone had intervened. I understand that none of you know my whole story, but how do I figure out the best way to support the kids? AH has a history of drinking while having the kids in his care, but I have no other proof other than what I have experienced of him or what my son tells me. Apparently a 6 year old is not big enough to testify where I live since he cant accrately tell how much AH drank. SO far my son hasnt really acted out but he has become quite clingy to me. If it were up to me I wouldnt even send the kids unless I knew for sure he was sober. I know I cant control AH's drinking, or what he does when they arent with me. I just want to know the best way to support the kids. I would appreciate any opinions or thoughts you could give me.

Last year I was in my treatment center and for the holidays we went to a unity church for a burning bowl ceremony. We were all invited to write letters to ourselves to be mailed back to us a year letter. I just got mine. :)

When I wrote that letter I was in a lot of pain, had tons of self-pity, regret, resentments, anger, every bad emotion you can think of. I remember I was bawling my eyes out the entire time I wrote the letter to myself because I felt absolutely hopeless. Even though everything I wrote was totally hopeful. I really wanted to feel so way on the other end of where I was at last year this time.

How cool it is to read what I wrote about my sons, myself and everything that I wanted to apply to myself today. "Love, joy, peace, understanding, strength and determination." "Keeping things simple but working hard so I can enjoy the rewards of my labors." How I wished for everyone else feeling the same thing to find the things that they/I wanted. "Full of life, serenity, safety and comfort where I'm at." I have all of those things today.

I had chill bumps all up and down my arms while I read it, as well as a big fat smile on my face. How freakin' cool!!!!!!!

Thanks for letting me share. :)

He's not getting better--my alcoholic father--in fact, he is getting worse. Because he used to be a happy drunk, and now he's miserable all the time. I used to be able to talk to him but every conversation turns into a fight either out of his misery or my anger feelings to him. He cut out his coffee in the morning to save money, but he continues to drink a 48 pack unassisted at night. Before, it was easy to say he's not that bad, but he is, and he has no intention of stopping. It was easy to lie to myself, but I'm sick and tired of lying to myself to somehow make myself believe that life isn't what it is. I lie to enough people around me, to send me to hell, just to cover him.

And my mom, I feel so bad for her, because all she's ever done is work hard, she's like an angel, and she won't leave him because my sister's getting married soon, and she doesn't want to ruin her wedding. And she only gets to break away every now and then from him for a night partially to make sure he doesn't do himself in one of these days and to keep me from babysitting. You're supposed to look up to your parents, and I look up to my mom someone who puts others first often but still manages to be solid and not all broken like I've become.

I just pray that God or whoever the higher being is, will take me out of this mess. A teacher once told me to say thank you foreverything that is thrown your way. And it's easier some days than others to do so, but no matter how hard I try I can't say thank you for this. I can't say "Thanks, God, that alocholic father, he was a real bessing in desguise!" I don't see the blessing, I'm not finding the good in it. I keep looking for a little glimmer of something, and I can't find it. I guess I'm not looking hard enough. But I don't know how much harder I can look.

All I feel around him is anger and resentment.

Happy Thanksgiving all, I pray you all stay sober, me on the other hand I of course will but it's hard to be around someone who does drink a lot I'm sure a lot of you understand what I mean... grumble, it creates anger too... oh well. Happy Thanksgiving all.

My AH at 45 had a full hip replacement. He has not worked for over 2 and 1/2 months with no pay. I have carried the load. He said he had been drinking so much and smoking weed to deal with the pain. He was going to turn a new leaf- no more weed- only drinking on the weekends.... lose weight...get back in the great shape he was in when we met 10 years ago.



WEL>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Okay- I paid $5000 Out of Pocket insurance money - struggled to pay mortgage and college and cars and take care of teminally ill parents.....supported his recovery no matter how long it took.....was supportive...went to appointments... you name it I did it. If the hard work was to have my husband back ..who cares. Well- the surgery is done..... he has clean bill of health but now the back hurts..can't work.....drinking has picked back up...find beers thrown in laundry room...can see the anger building in his eyes from the drugs. I have tried to address it only to be called an unsupportive nag. I was told that I would get no sympathy for my dying parents as I give him none. He sits here now and spews hate at the tv, at my kids at me. Today the back doctor mistakingly forgot to call him back. He is our neighbor for god sake! I got home and after having the phone thrown at me.....I called them and they apologized and said he can come in now...He cursed and refused.. Nice. He chooses to be hurting all the time..we have had MRI's - blood tests you name it....He is fine besides being horribly depressed. I wished him good day yesterday and he said **** You! Who says that?

I am trying to stay positive and let him live with his choices. He lost his first wife and 3 daughters to this. He has little to do with the girls and they have suffered all in their own way. He spends no time with me or my boys- we try. He is in bed by 7 if he is not drinking. I told him I would spend no time with him while he is drinking or smoking and that leaves just that ..no time. He is so angry I have detached. I will not pay for the house and the cars and the boat so that slob can curse at me and spit at me and throw things in the yard. It is so upsetting . He called his folks to tell them I was mean to him and they enable him and actually called me on some things . I don't know what I want anyone to say--just how do we begin to think this is the way I live and it is what it is. ??????????????? I will not take him to my company Christmas party as God knows what he would say. I was just nominated for Realtor Rookie of the Year here and would be mortified if people really knew who I really am. I am gonna watch Dancing with the Stars.....I would love to dance..........my sons and I still have dance parties like when they were little..it makes us laugh...he tells us we are stupid.
c'est la vie!

November 24


Gratefully recovering

?We entertained the thought that staying clean was not paying off, and the old thinking stirred up self-pity, resentment, and anger.?

Basic Text, p. 98

????=????

There are days when some of us wallow in self-pity. It?s easy to do. We may have expectations about how our lives should be in recovery, expectations that aren?t always met. Maybe we?ve tried unsuccessfully to control someone, or we think our circumstances should be different. Perhaps we?ve compared ourselves with other recovering addicts and found ourselves lacking. The more we try to make our life conform to our expectations, the more uncomfortable we feel. Self-pity can arise from living in our expectations instead of in the world as it actually is.

When the world doesn?t measure up to our expectations, it?s often our expectations that need adjusting, not the world. We can start by comparing our lives today with the way they used to be, developing gratitude for our recovery. We can extend this exercise in gratitude by counting the good things in our lives, becoming thankful that the world does not conform to our expectations but exceeds them. And if we continue working the Twelve Steps, further cultivating gratitude and acceptance, what we can expect in the future is more growth, more happiness, and more peace of mind.

We?ve been given much in recovery; staying clean has paid off. Acceptance of our lives, just for today, frees us from our self-pity.

????=????

Just for today: I will accept my life, gratefully, just as it is.

I just read the post "What Addicts Do". It is so true. So now I'm wondering:

When you have given every onze of yourself for three years, only to realise that to him, it really meant nothing, how do you cope?

When you realise you missed out on so much waiting in vain for him to be part of all the plans you made together, because all he could think about was the drugs, how do you cope?

And when you are filled with desperation and anger and have no one to turn to, how do you cope?

Thanks. Best of luck to everyone.

In my battle of alcoholism, I wallowed, I sulked, I stewed. I was filled with anger and resentments and always had good reason to point and blame. I felt justified in my anger and felt as if the world had dealt me a bad hand. Why, me? Poor, me? I proudly stood beneath my self proclaimed dark cloud never thinking to step away from the shadow. My family was far from the Cleaver family. The sounds of yelling and screaming could easily be heard over the sounds of happiness and joy. Affection was the exception not the norm. Needles to say, I am a product of my environment, but aren't we all?

Divorced and coming from an abusive marriage, I packaged every ounce of dysfunction and pain and carried it with me everywhere I'd go. It was my baggage. I earned it by gawd and I wasn't letting it go. I suffered fear, anguish and guilt. My confidence was reduced to nil and I lost any amount of esteem I ever managed to conjure. I drifted into a deep depression and drank to escape the pain and the memories and the anger. Drinking never helped me to escape anything, but it surely kept me bound to my misfortune and helped intensify it. It took me years and years of suffering, in the same ole pattern, before figuring it out. How can that be? It is so obvious now, but I was blind to it then, puzzling.

My drinking escalated to the point of if I didn't stop, I would die. Death being a strong motivator, I took the steps I needed to stop drinking. What a battle I entered into. I knew nothing about sobriety, I was addicted and my main goal each day was to obtain alcohol and drink it. I achieved my goals daily, so to stop, was torture. I made it though, thank goodness and I'm eternally grateful to be free from the obsession of alcohol. Now that I am free, I do not enter into the idea of drinking again. I don't think I could make it back alive. Yes, I failed along the way, a few times, but when the dying part took front seat, I tried harder until I got it right. I wanted an easy way out. That is what I expected, easy. I wanted to will myself to stop and it would happen. I grew to understand that if you want or need something badly enough, it takes work, hard work, nothing comes easy. Why should trying to save my life be easy? It wasn't.

One thing I learned is you don't just declare to the world that you are quitting drinking and all is good and well. Drinking is merely a symptom of our problems. I grabbed onto a program and it helped me along the way. I did many things I didn't want to do. I fought and ridiculed it every stop. I pronounced their way stupid and voiced that their way would never help me. Why I put up such a fight? I really don't know. I guess it was in my nature. I reluctantly did what they said and surprise of all surprises, it worked.

I lived in fear before. Today, I live in hope. I believe that no matter what I will face the strength to get through lies ahead. It has worked for over 4 years, I don't know why it would change now? I have found my self esteem, my confidence and myself, my new self. Most importantly, I found my soul. I swear that it was shrouded by the darkness of alcoholism. Eliminating the booze has opened up a path to the light. I know peace and I know joy. Something I never thought possible. I was used to feeling negative emotions that positive ones never drifted my way. They couldn't get through. I wouldn't let them. Negative begets negative. It isn't a wonder that the dark cloud found its way directly over my head. The truth of the matter is, I conjured that cloud and neatly placed it above. Most of my pain was by my own hand. That is a harsh reality to accept, but once we do so, we can begin to heal.

What I have grown to understand is that we have to heal from within. Face our demons and rid ourselves from its grasp. Our past is a part of who we are, but many of us are directed by our past and can't move away from it. It can keep us tortured and wounded. We must move forward and sort through our past. It rids of us our resentments and anger. I still get angry, but I don't choose to pack it around with me long after the fact.. Why bother and who needs it?

These are a few things I've learned in my recovery. I am not the same person that I was years ago. I hope to continue to grow. The biggest thing I learned in Sobriety 101 is you just don't wake up sober one day and all is well. It takes work, lots and lots of work, real to the core kind of stuff. I was seeking freedom and the biggest lesson I had to learn was that I needed freedom from myself, my wounded self. That is how we find strength, move forward and grow emotionally and spiritually. Taking a good look in the mirror I see a different being. Before, I couldn't bare to look in the mirror. Today, I see a smiling face. Corny, I know, but I'm happy to be able to say that.

He admitted to me on the phone that the day he was real messed up, got fired from him job and ultimately kicked out of our home that he had take 40 to 50 50mg demerol, I forget how many merergan fortis and klonopin. He said he was so ashamed of coming back here to me under the impression that he had clean for a year and then me finding out it was a big fat lie pushed him over the edge. He's surprised he's alive and so am I.
I didn't put him on my insurance for the upcoming year but reminded him he was still insured until the end of December and encouraged rehab. I told him that I would work as much extra at the hospital as I could (which is not much, with the economy the way it is people don't come to the hospital because they don't have insurance) that I would pay his child support and student loan until he got out. He sounded like he was going to go admitting he needed help. But, he said I have to think about it. Today, I texted him to see what he decided and he said no for many addict reasonings. I told him that I wished him well but that today would be the last time we speak again. I changed both of my telephone numbers (never went that far in the past 11 yrs). I also blocked him for my email. I have mixed feelings of relief and anger. He said , when I offered rehab and taking care of his bills " I wish you didn't love me so much". Not sure why he said that!!