Archive for the ‘Anguish’ tag
External Validation
I had a great meeting today - we talked about "detaching with love."
One of our group members is really struggling with letting go of her son's addiction. Her life is a whirlwind of phone calls, court dates, hospital bills, custody hearings, etc... She takes a step away from the chaos only to be overcome with guilt and anguish for abandoning someone who needs her so much.
She said, crying, "When I try to take care of myself he tells me that I don't care about him, and I just can't stand for him to think that!"
But it was SO clear, to everyone there, to anyone looking at this woman, that she cares about her son with all her heart. She was willing to do anything to help him.
Yet, because he couldn't recognize her caring, she began to doubt it, herself.
I could see, in her struggle, many of my issues.
This nagging belief that if my addict didn't feel loved, it was because I was not being loving enough, not responding correctly, answering harshly. That my behavior was the problem.
I couldn't stand for my A to think that I was a bad, unloving person, because, for so long, I looked to him to tell me that I was good.
Recovery from codependency teaches me that "what other people think of me is none of my business".
I love that.
It is so freeing.
I know my intentions (most of the time!), and I no longer look to someone else to confirm or validate them for me.
Have a great night, everybody.
Thanks for letting me share!
-TC
One of our group members is really struggling with letting go of her son's addiction. Her life is a whirlwind of phone calls, court dates, hospital bills, custody hearings, etc... She takes a step away from the chaos only to be overcome with guilt and anguish for abandoning someone who needs her so much.
She said, crying, "When I try to take care of myself he tells me that I don't care about him, and I just can't stand for him to think that!"
But it was SO clear, to everyone there, to anyone looking at this woman, that she cares about her son with all her heart. She was willing to do anything to help him.
Yet, because he couldn't recognize her caring, she began to doubt it, herself.
I could see, in her struggle, many of my issues.
This nagging belief that if my addict didn't feel loved, it was because I was not being loving enough, not responding correctly, answering harshly. That my behavior was the problem.
I couldn't stand for my A to think that I was a bad, unloving person, because, for so long, I looked to him to tell me that I was good.
Recovery from codependency teaches me that "what other people think of me is none of my business".
I love that.
It is so freeing.
I know my intentions (most of the time!), and I no longer look to someone else to confirm or validate them for me.
Have a great night, everybody.
Thanks for letting me share!
-TC
Freedom From Myself
In my battle of alcoholism, I wallowed, I sulked, I stewed. I was filled with anger and resentments and always had good reason to point and blame. I felt justified in my anger and felt as if the world had dealt me a bad hand. Why, me? Poor, me? I proudly stood beneath my self proclaimed dark cloud never thinking to step away from the shadow. My family was far from the Cleaver family. The sounds of yelling and screaming could easily be heard over the sounds of happiness and joy. Affection was the exception not the norm. Needles to say, I am a product of my environment, but aren't we all?
Divorced and coming from an abusive marriage, I packaged every ounce of dysfunction and pain and carried it with me everywhere I'd go. It was my baggage. I earned it by gawd and I wasn't letting it go. I suffered fear, anguish and guilt. My confidence was reduced to nil and I lost any amount of esteem I ever managed to conjure. I drifted into a deep depression and drank to escape the pain and the memories and the anger. Drinking never helped me to escape anything, but it surely kept me bound to my misfortune and helped intensify it. It took me years and years of suffering, in the same ole pattern, before figuring it out. How can that be? It is so obvious now, but I was blind to it then, puzzling.
My drinking escalated to the point of if I didn't stop, I would die. Death being a strong motivator, I took the steps I needed to stop drinking. What a battle I entered into. I knew nothing about sobriety, I was addicted and my main goal each day was to obtain alcohol and drink it. I achieved my goals daily, so to stop, was torture. I made it though, thank goodness and I'm eternally grateful to be free from the obsession of alcohol. Now that I am free, I do not enter into the idea of drinking again. I don't think I could make it back alive. Yes, I failed along the way, a few times, but when the dying part took front seat, I tried harder until I got it right. I wanted an easy way out. That is what I expected, easy. I wanted to will myself to stop and it would happen. I grew to understand that if you want or need something badly enough, it takes work, hard work, nothing comes easy. Why should trying to save my life be easy? It wasn't.
One thing I learned is you don't just declare to the world that you are quitting drinking and all is good and well. Drinking is merely a symptom of our problems. I grabbed onto a program and it helped me along the way. I did many things I didn't want to do. I fought and ridiculed it every stop. I pronounced their way stupid and voiced that their way would never help me. Why I put up such a fight? I really don't know. I guess it was in my nature. I reluctantly did what they said and surprise of all surprises, it worked.
I lived in fear before. Today, I live in hope. I believe that no matter what I will face the strength to get through lies ahead. It has worked for over 4 years, I don't know why it would change now? I have found my self esteem, my confidence and myself, my new self. Most importantly, I found my soul. I swear that it was shrouded by the darkness of alcoholism. Eliminating the booze has opened up a path to the light. I know peace and I know joy. Something I never thought possible. I was used to feeling negative emotions that positive ones never drifted my way. They couldn't get through. I wouldn't let them. Negative begets negative. It isn't a wonder that the dark cloud found its way directly over my head. The truth of the matter is, I conjured that cloud and neatly placed it above. Most of my pain was by my own hand. That is a harsh reality to accept, but once we do so, we can begin to heal.
What I have grown to understand is that we have to heal from within. Face our demons and rid ourselves from its grasp. Our past is a part of who we are, but many of us are directed by our past and can't move away from it. It can keep us tortured and wounded. We must move forward and sort through our past. It rids of us our resentments and anger. I still get angry, but I don't choose to pack it around with me long after the fact.. Why bother and who needs it?
These are a few things I've learned in my recovery. I am not the same person that I was years ago. I hope to continue to grow. The biggest thing I learned in Sobriety 101 is you just don't wake up sober one day and all is well. It takes work, lots and lots of work, real to the core kind of stuff. I was seeking freedom and the biggest lesson I had to learn was that I needed freedom from myself, my wounded self. That is how we find strength, move forward and grow emotionally and spiritually. Taking a good look in the mirror I see a different being. Before, I couldn't bare to look in the mirror. Today, I see a smiling face. Corny, I know, but I'm happy to be able to say that.
Divorced and coming from an abusive marriage, I packaged every ounce of dysfunction and pain and carried it with me everywhere I'd go. It was my baggage. I earned it by gawd and I wasn't letting it go. I suffered fear, anguish and guilt. My confidence was reduced to nil and I lost any amount of esteem I ever managed to conjure. I drifted into a deep depression and drank to escape the pain and the memories and the anger. Drinking never helped me to escape anything, but it surely kept me bound to my misfortune and helped intensify it. It took me years and years of suffering, in the same ole pattern, before figuring it out. How can that be? It is so obvious now, but I was blind to it then, puzzling.
My drinking escalated to the point of if I didn't stop, I would die. Death being a strong motivator, I took the steps I needed to stop drinking. What a battle I entered into. I knew nothing about sobriety, I was addicted and my main goal each day was to obtain alcohol and drink it. I achieved my goals daily, so to stop, was torture. I made it though, thank goodness and I'm eternally grateful to be free from the obsession of alcohol. Now that I am free, I do not enter into the idea of drinking again. I don't think I could make it back alive. Yes, I failed along the way, a few times, but when the dying part took front seat, I tried harder until I got it right. I wanted an easy way out. That is what I expected, easy. I wanted to will myself to stop and it would happen. I grew to understand that if you want or need something badly enough, it takes work, hard work, nothing comes easy. Why should trying to save my life be easy? It wasn't.
One thing I learned is you don't just declare to the world that you are quitting drinking and all is good and well. Drinking is merely a symptom of our problems. I grabbed onto a program and it helped me along the way. I did many things I didn't want to do. I fought and ridiculed it every stop. I pronounced their way stupid and voiced that their way would never help me. Why I put up such a fight? I really don't know. I guess it was in my nature. I reluctantly did what they said and surprise of all surprises, it worked.
I lived in fear before. Today, I live in hope. I believe that no matter what I will face the strength to get through lies ahead. It has worked for over 4 years, I don't know why it would change now? I have found my self esteem, my confidence and myself, my new self. Most importantly, I found my soul. I swear that it was shrouded by the darkness of alcoholism. Eliminating the booze has opened up a path to the light. I know peace and I know joy. Something I never thought possible. I was used to feeling negative emotions that positive ones never drifted my way. They couldn't get through. I wouldn't let them. Negative begets negative. It isn't a wonder that the dark cloud found its way directly over my head. The truth of the matter is, I conjured that cloud and neatly placed it above. Most of my pain was by my own hand. That is a harsh reality to accept, but once we do so, we can begin to heal.
What I have grown to understand is that we have to heal from within. Face our demons and rid ourselves from its grasp. Our past is a part of who we are, but many of us are directed by our past and can't move away from it. It can keep us tortured and wounded. We must move forward and sort through our past. It rids of us our resentments and anger. I still get angry, but I don't choose to pack it around with me long after the fact.. Why bother and who needs it?
These are a few things I've learned in my recovery. I am not the same person that I was years ago. I hope to continue to grow. The biggest thing I learned in Sobriety 101 is you just don't wake up sober one day and all is well. It takes work, lots and lots of work, real to the core kind of stuff. I was seeking freedom and the biggest lesson I had to learn was that I needed freedom from myself, my wounded self. That is how we find strength, move forward and grow emotionally and spiritually. Taking a good look in the mirror I see a different being. Before, I couldn't bare to look in the mirror. Today, I see a smiling face. Corny, I know, but I'm happy to be able to say that.
emerging from the shadows
I guess why I'm here is slightly different to most. I've always been an 'outsider' but maybe I've found a safe haven for this stage in my journey. I hope so.
I guess it could be called co-dependence. I guess it's an addiction.
But I've never touched alcohol or drugs. I've never even smoked.
Hear me out, though, before you reject me.
The truth is, I've spent years rejecting myself. After the bullying and the abuse in my childhood and adolescence came a whole bundle of toxic inner scripting. A whole dangerous pattern of "How Ill I am" and tearing myself apart. Re-enactment of the anguish of my youth. Because I didn't know anything else.
Know I know different. I know compassion, I know acceptance.
But still I have a split off state of mind that labels and abuses me mercilessly at times.
Yes, I've self harmed.
Yes, I've medicated myself more than I should - although technically not overdoses, still medicating myself to numb feelings and shut me further off from reality.
I'm here to work on Becoming Who I Really Am. Without the labels. Without throwing more and more diagnoses at myself. [or using the ones I have to torture myself].
You may have figured by now that emotional abuse was predominant in my family. Along with emotional neglect. But those are just words. Truth is, both my parents struggled with untreated depression. My father would rant and rage and drink. My mother would be submissive and nasty in return. I was the child caught in the middle.
It could so much have gone the other way. I could have developed difficulties with alcohol myself. But I fell into another pit - the hell of self hatred and self abuse of many kinds.
I am at the stage in my life now ready to focus on recovery and finding MYSELF. Treasuring her. And not shutting others out.
I hope it's ok for me to be here.
I guess it could be called co-dependence. I guess it's an addiction.
But I've never touched alcohol or drugs. I've never even smoked.
Hear me out, though, before you reject me.
The truth is, I've spent years rejecting myself. After the bullying and the abuse in my childhood and adolescence came a whole bundle of toxic inner scripting. A whole dangerous pattern of "How Ill I am" and tearing myself apart. Re-enactment of the anguish of my youth. Because I didn't know anything else.
Know I know different. I know compassion, I know acceptance.
But still I have a split off state of mind that labels and abuses me mercilessly at times.
Yes, I've self harmed.
Yes, I've medicated myself more than I should - although technically not overdoses, still medicating myself to numb feelings and shut me further off from reality.
I'm here to work on Becoming Who I Really Am. Without the labels. Without throwing more and more diagnoses at myself. [or using the ones I have to torture myself].
You may have figured by now that emotional abuse was predominant in my family. Along with emotional neglect. But those are just words. Truth is, both my parents struggled with untreated depression. My father would rant and rage and drink. My mother would be submissive and nasty in return. I was the child caught in the middle.
It could so much have gone the other way. I could have developed difficulties with alcohol myself. But I fell into another pit - the hell of self hatred and self abuse of many kinds.
I am at the stage in my life now ready to focus on recovery and finding MYSELF. Treasuring her. And not shutting others out.
I hope it's ok for me to be here.
Help me understand?
Hi, I'm new to this forum. I stumbled upon it and thought maybe it could help me...
2 years ago I made an online friend with whom I immediately became very close. 6 months into our friendship, he revealed to me that he was an alcoholic. I didn't know much about alcoholism, and he seemed pretty normal to me so I didn't think much of it. We only kept in touch during his working hours and so I never saw the impact that alcohol really had on him "after-hours"...
Over the course of the next year, through constant email contact, I began understanding the depth of the grip that alcoholism can have on somebody. Terrible stories were relayed to me, all of which had alcohol involved.
A year and a half into our friendship, we decided to meet in person. I flew out to spend a week with him this past summer (he lives thousands of miles away from me, in another country). This was my first real exposure to the reality of alcoholism. My friend couldn't even look at me or relax around me unless he had alcohol in his system. It was devastating for me.
Since then, I have really struggled between pity and anger towards him. He doesn't want to be an alcoholic; yet all of his extra money goes into alcohol and it's eating up his life. But he doesn't want to live a life without alcohol because he views it as the only way he can relax and/or have fun. He's become incredibly depressed in part due to the alcoholism. But does nothing to fix it except dull his pain with a drink.
From a distance, all I can do is watch him flail around in despair. And it hurts me tremendously to see him in anguish over it because I care so much. But I also know to keep a safe distance because getting too involved with alcoholism could easily suck the life out of me, too.
Sometimes I consider going to alcohol anonymous meetings myself. Just to understand. But then I get angry about it, because even he won't go to a meeting. Why should I.
*sigh*
I'm rambling. I just need some sort of support and understanding. I fear my dearest friend is going to drink himself to death. And I don't know what to do.
2 years ago I made an online friend with whom I immediately became very close. 6 months into our friendship, he revealed to me that he was an alcoholic. I didn't know much about alcoholism, and he seemed pretty normal to me so I didn't think much of it. We only kept in touch during his working hours and so I never saw the impact that alcohol really had on him "after-hours"...
Over the course of the next year, through constant email contact, I began understanding the depth of the grip that alcoholism can have on somebody. Terrible stories were relayed to me, all of which had alcohol involved.
A year and a half into our friendship, we decided to meet in person. I flew out to spend a week with him this past summer (he lives thousands of miles away from me, in another country). This was my first real exposure to the reality of alcoholism. My friend couldn't even look at me or relax around me unless he had alcohol in his system. It was devastating for me.
Since then, I have really struggled between pity and anger towards him. He doesn't want to be an alcoholic; yet all of his extra money goes into alcohol and it's eating up his life. But he doesn't want to live a life without alcohol because he views it as the only way he can relax and/or have fun. He's become incredibly depressed in part due to the alcoholism. But does nothing to fix it except dull his pain with a drink.
From a distance, all I can do is watch him flail around in despair. And it hurts me tremendously to see him in anguish over it because I care so much. But I also know to keep a safe distance because getting too involved with alcoholism could easily suck the life out of me, too.
Sometimes I consider going to alcohol anonymous meetings myself. Just to understand. But then I get angry about it, because even he won't go to a meeting. Why should I.
*sigh*
I'm rambling. I just need some sort of support and understanding. I fear my dearest friend is going to drink himself to death. And I don't know what to do.
newbie
Hi everyone. I just joined the forum and thought I'd take a moment to introduce myself. I'm fresh off a raucous Saturday night drinking binge. I don't drink daily or even weekly. Instead, I fall off the wagon once or twice every 4-6 months and get completely bent out of my skull. This has been going on for about the last 10-12 years. Usually, my drinking ends up with some kind of dramatic outcome. Once, I was drinking at a bachelorette party and shattered my wrist when I fell backwards off a barstool. Another time, I woke up on the beach unaware of my own whereabouts. This past Saturday night, I was within moments of being whisked away to jail when my husband showed up to rescue me, again. Every time it happens, I swear I'll never do it again and he swears he'll leave me if I do. I'm in serious jeapardy of losing my family and my future to alcohol. I'm so terribly ashamed of myself and the anguish I've caused. I'm ready to call it what it is- alcoholism. Anyway, I'm here for support and understanding. At the moment, I'm feeling optimistic but wait an hour and that could change. I've never taken part in any kind of support group before.
JFT Sept 25 - The Fourth Step - Fearing Our Feelings
September 25
A common complaint about the Fourth Step is that it makes us painfully conscious of our defects of character. We may be tempted to falter in our program of recovery. Through surrender and acceptance, we can find the resources we need to keep working the steps.
It’s not the awareness of our defects that causes the most agony—it’s the defects themselves. When we were using, all we felt was the drugs; we could ignore the suffering our defects were causing us. Now that the drugs are gone, we feel that pain. Refusing to acknowledge the source of our anguish doesn’t make it go away; denial protects the pain and makes it stronger. The Twelve Steps help us deal with the misery caused by our defects by dealing directly with the defects themselves.
If we hurt from the pain of our defects, we can remind ourselves of the nightmare of addiction, a nightmare from which weÂ’ve now awakened. We can recall the hope for release the Second Step gave us. We can again turn our will and our lives over, through the Third Step, to the care of the God of our understanding. Our Higher Power cares for us by giving us the help we need to work the rest of the Twelve Steps. We donÂ’t have to fear our feelings. Just for today, we can continue in our recovery.
Just for today: I wonÂ’t be afraid of my feelings. With the help of my Higher Power, IÂ’ll continue in my recovery.
Copyright © 1991-2008 by Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved
The Fourth Step—fearing our feelings
“We may fear that being in touch with our feelings will trigger an overwhelming chain reaction of pain and panic.”
Basic Text, p. 29
––––=––––
––––=––––
A common complaint about the Fourth Step is that it makes us painfully conscious of our defects of character. We may be tempted to falter in our program of recovery. Through surrender and acceptance, we can find the resources we need to keep working the steps.
It’s not the awareness of our defects that causes the most agony—it’s the defects themselves. When we were using, all we felt was the drugs; we could ignore the suffering our defects were causing us. Now that the drugs are gone, we feel that pain. Refusing to acknowledge the source of our anguish doesn’t make it go away; denial protects the pain and makes it stronger. The Twelve Steps help us deal with the misery caused by our defects by dealing directly with the defects themselves.
If we hurt from the pain of our defects, we can remind ourselves of the nightmare of addiction, a nightmare from which weÂ’ve now awakened. We can recall the hope for release the Second Step gave us. We can again turn our will and our lives over, through the Third Step, to the care of the God of our understanding. Our Higher Power cares for us by giving us the help we need to work the rest of the Twelve Steps. We donÂ’t have to fear our feelings. Just for today, we can continue in our recovery.
––––=––––
Just for today: I wonÂ’t be afraid of my feelings. With the help of my Higher Power, IÂ’ll continue in my recovery.
Copyright © 1991-2008 by Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved
This is a Dangerous Time For me Now…
This is a dangerous time for me now. I have been here before. This "time" is a feeling and I felt it surface yesterday. During a busy time, I stopped dead in my tracks, frozen. DEJA VU! My mind quickly ran through the act of purchasing alcohol. This time it was different.
In the past, whenever I felt really good, it was an open invitation to drink. This feeling is not very strong but it is here. It's not a strong feeling because I now have so much ammunition to use against it. Ammo that I have collected during my many experiences of failure. Failure of letting myself down through years of abuse. Ammo collected from such heartache and anguish. I love myself so much. I can't believe what I have done to me!
The buzz experienced from alcohol is a trap. An attitude adjustment, I used to call it. We think it is the good times! These good times come with a price. The simple equation of Life, the ups and downs, lead our resourceful nature to look for yet another skill. Another trick to deal with the things we cannot change or understand. The deep seated subconscious feelings we harbor should be worked out with a therapist. Turning to alcohol is a temporary distraction which lengthens the list of unsolved problems causing us to turn to it with more determination and frequency. Alcohol is the "great escape"! An escape from yourself and your problems to the point of making your life and body such a complete tragedy you leave them both. Finding yourself another person in another place.
We all think we want something until we get there, take a look around and make the decision to stay or go. I have decided to go and will never return. I have been there to see what it's like and I don't like it.
In the past, whenever I felt really good, it was an open invitation to drink. This feeling is not very strong but it is here. It's not a strong feeling because I now have so much ammunition to use against it. Ammo that I have collected during my many experiences of failure. Failure of letting myself down through years of abuse. Ammo collected from such heartache and anguish. I love myself so much. I can't believe what I have done to me!
The buzz experienced from alcohol is a trap. An attitude adjustment, I used to call it. We think it is the good times! These good times come with a price. The simple equation of Life, the ups and downs, lead our resourceful nature to look for yet another skill. Another trick to deal with the things we cannot change or understand. The deep seated subconscious feelings we harbor should be worked out with a therapist. Turning to alcohol is a temporary distraction which lengthens the list of unsolved problems causing us to turn to it with more determination and frequency. Alcohol is the "great escape"! An escape from yourself and your problems to the point of making your life and body such a complete tragedy you leave them both. Finding yourself another person in another place.
We all think we want something until we get there, take a look around and make the decision to stay or go. I have decided to go and will never return. I have been there to see what it's like and I don't like it.
