Drug Rehab Options Blog

I well and truly lost it night before last.

I have been struggling with being faced with nowhere to go when lease expires, as landlord wants vacant possession in month.
Have been sorting out my gear and packing up, (hateful task) in 30 plus degree temperatures, and not easy with having arthritis, a neuroma on my foot and carpal tunnel in wrist. Also have headache from eyes not focusing due to having had 1st cataract op, meaning different vision in eyes.

Had gone halves in a car with abf, but when I needed it to go to church on Monday night, he wanted to know why I wasn't going with my friend who usually takes me.
Went on about cost of petrol and how we had agreed car was to be used only when no other transport, eg bus or a lift and for trips away.

My friend isn't in town to take me. She is rather busy burying her only son, who suicided last week.

Went to abf's place and got car, and gave him a serve. Early yesterday morning I took it back and left it in his parking space, as I was not in the mood for any "dry drunk" debates.
It was also my father's 32nd anniversary, and I still miss him terribly, and how I wish he were here to give me a hug and tell me all would work out well for me.

Was just leaving my place to get bus to town to see eye specialist, and txt from him asking if I was coming for the car. Thought, "ok will drop off 5 big bags of clothes etc I had culled, at Salvos on way. so went for the car, and got met with "ice age" man, so into car and off.

Got few txts from him, the first to say he wasn't coming to dinner with my grand daughter, husband and me. Next said I had seldom got bus anywhere, had used the car too much and it was just sheer laziness on my part. This from man who has called a cab for a 5 minute walk home, because he was tired, and his back ached. We have only had the damned thing 3 weeks and filled up then, it is still over half full, so either hasn't had much use or has never emptying tank. (I wish). I saw red and let him have earful, as I had been ready for a 5 hour round bus trip.

Last txt said "he didn't want to be around me as I was angry with all facets of my life, and he didn't want blame, guilt or to be called manipulator. I ignored it and turned mobile phone off.

I went to dinner with GD, had a lovely time if you can ignore my wondering just how mad he probably was at me for using car I half paid for, which is registered and insured in my name, without his permission. Drove home a bit afraid he would be hanging round waiting and take off with car.

Now am fearful he will go on a binge, because he is upset with me and also tomorrow is his son's anniversary of being killed in a car smash, driving whilst angry and drunk. The last thing I need is him to drink drive in a car reg to me, and cause an accident or death.

Keep telling myself to trust in God's care and leave it to Him, but so far that isn't been working and I feel everything happening just now is more than I can take. Certainly my depression is worsening despite medication.

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest after putting on "happy face" for those at dinner.

This is my first time posting. I'm not sure what led me here, but i'm hoping that i do receive the answers if not the guidance of what to do or where to go... first of, a bit about my background. i am 32 mother of two boys, one 8 and one 15. i was married to my high school sweetheart for 10 years, were together for 15 years. i filed for divorce last year, after realizing that his addiction had hurt the marriage along with his drinking. He had an addiction, that would lead him to leave for days, empty out the bank account, never call, he would just dissappear until he was broke, tired and hungry. this went on for 9 years, and it would happen at first every 3-4 months, then it was every 2 months. he missed birthdays for the boys, our anniversary, i was once robbed at gunpoint, and needed him to come pick me up, but he wouldnt answer his phone because he was wired, of all days i needed him he was there. then my oldest was arrested for having pot at school one day, and sure enough he wasnt there to help me get through it and pick up our son from juevenile that day. so i went to alanon realized that i could do nothing to change him, and then i one day snapped, asked that he leave the house, and i filed for divorce. our separation was very rocky, he was threatning, breaking stuff, lying, refusing to see the boys, it was hard, but i got through it and the divorce was finalized. i must say that i was the hardest 15 years of my life. fast forward to 1 year later. i met my boyfriend back in august, didnt start talking/dating till september and ever since then its been a whirlwind of a romance. until i realized he was using as well. when i first found out he was using, i confronted him and he had already known my story with the ex and how i had to leave that situation, and he said he would stop and that he didnt want to lose what we had. one month later i confronted him because i suspected he was using, and it came out that he had been. i felt so betrayed, angry, hurt, resentment. that was in october. ever since then, when we are with his group of friends he does use. it wasnt until two weeks ago that i realized what he was doing, and he said he thought as long as he didnt do it in front of me that he didnt think i would mind. but i could tell when he was wired. i've been there done that with the ex. he says this is who he is and that i should remember who it is i fell in love with and that he doesnt do it all the time. which is true but just last week it was twice. i dont know what to do. he says that i need to learn to deal with it, but i dont think i can. i have too much hurt and anger with that drug, because i lost my marriage and family to it. i dont want to lose him as well, but i do not know what to. i'm not sure if my problem is with him using or if its the drug itself. when on it, yeah he's a bit different, but he isnt what i use to deal with but the thought of him on it just irks me that i get mad for awhile and i end up texting/calling guys that i use to date, just so that i dont have to deal with it. my concern is that one day i might cheat on him because i do get hurt when he does that, and i know that me cheating will hurt him... how immature is that thinking but im getting tired of being hurt and mad. i myself cant understand how i got myself in this situation in the first place. i wasnt looking for love when i met him, it all just happened, its like they say, when you aint looking it hits you right smack in the face and here i am... okay this was long, but i am so CONFUSED and i dont know what to do...

I went to an NA meeting in Uniontown, PA tonight... And I absolutely regret it. I was gonna go to the local meeting like I always do, but a few friends were telling me I should go since it was an anniversary for the meeting...

I have to say, I don't know what it was, but it was NOT an NA meeting. My first big problem was the fact that they were pushing Christianity. No matter who was speaking, they were saying, "Jesus Christ is my savior and he could be yours if you embrace our way of life." Just ridiculous **** like that. Another huge problem was that they completely ignored the newcomers. The way they did clean time was they started with 30 years and worked their way down to a month. There was no, "Are there any new members?" or ANYTHING like that... I felt so out of place. It was almost cult-like. Third, they were breaking traditions left and right... They were taking up a collection for their OWN devices. They spent probably 10 grand on this anniversary thing... But they never give back to area service.

I'm just sickened by how people can get away with what they did tonight and still call it Narcotics Anonymous, because the ES&H weren't there. They were encouraging baptism and church and Christianity... Not God as YOU understand him. It was an absolute travesty.

If you live near Uniontown, do NOT go to this meeting. It's at St. Peter's Episcopal Church on 121 Walnut Hill Road, Uniontown PA, 15041.

Congratulations Susan. :ghug3

This is an amazing accomplishment and you have so much to be proud of.

When I joined this forum over two months ago on the start of my own journey, you were the first person here to respond to my thread, to hear my cry for help. Today, it is my honor to recognize YOU here on your 5 month anniversary of sobriety.

Take a bow, you've earned it.

STBXAH lost his part time job... due to poor performance. He claims their expectations were too high. I'm pissed because that means things will be tight AGAIN this Christmas, but I know I can't do anything about it and blow it off.

He was very reclusive this weekend. There were tons of friends and family over and he sat in a corner on his computer... hardly talked to anyone... even ate alone. I ignored him the entire time (actually, we all did). No problem.

Our anniversary has rolled around and he sends me FLOWERS. Anyone who knows me knows I'm not the kind of person you send flowers to. Chocolates, yes! Flowers, no! #2, I'M the one paying for them. He's not working. He's using my own money to send me flowers!! #3, this is a SHAM OF A MARRIAGE, I've been unhappy for TWO YEARS, and he knows it.

And yet still, I want to see this as the beginning of him changing. I want to say "oh look! He's trying!" When I really think about it, I realize... he's still drinking, he still has his online girlfriend, he still doesn't have a job, he still is a complete a$$, etc, etc. He's not CHANGING, he's just playing me.

Everyone at work is wondering why I'm so pissed off because I got flowers.

Well today is my 1 month anniversary.:a122: I guess I am excited about it. I am still dealing with a lot of things psychologically...depression, anxiety. But other then that I am really happy to have reached 1 month. I think that I have realized a lot of things about myself and my alcohol habits now that I am sober. I am really glad that I found SR only a couple of days ago. It has really helped me and the support I have received from everyone is awesome!!! Well I just wanted to share and hope everyone is having a wonderful day!! MUAH!!:ghug3

so ya, today is day 21 since my last drink. if i make it through i will have made a HUGE advancement in my sobriety.

21 days. longest stretch i have gone ever. this morning my ex. decided that she wasn't going to be at her house to watch the kids so i could see my therapist.....good thing her friend was there and was kind enough to watch them for me.

so ya, kinda choked.

tonite is our staff xmas party. anytime i have gone out for drinks with the guys from work it has always been a gong show. i always have over done it. to not drink tonite will be huge.

and last but not least, today also marks the 3 month anniversary to the day my fiancee walked out the door and left me.

so ya, today has a few things going on.....

BUT....

i will not succumb. i will stand tall and wake up tomorrow morning KNOWING that i was bigger than the alcoholism that runs through my veins.

I guess with an anniversary just past and the holidays coming up my mother has been on my mind quite a bit.

We never had an easy relationship. She was a bit eccentric, very talented and so intelligent. I will probably never know why she was the way she was, but I do forgive her and have a lot of sorrow she wasn't able to get help.

Last night was chilly so I was digging out the winter duvet from the top shelf of the closet and came across a shawl Mom crocheted for me probably 40 years ago. It was very dusty so I gave it a wash and it came out beautifully! There was a bit of a shock that I noticed for the first time the pattern was that of hearts!

Maybe she never could say she loved me, maybe she couldn't hug me, maybe the best she could do was make me a shawl of hearts to wrap around my shoulders like a hug long after she was gone.

Love,

Lenina

OK. Here goes. I found this site because I am looking for help and guidance. My boyfriend is an addict. Although his primary addiction is alcohol, he has used other drugs. He was already in NA when we met 8 months ago. In that short amount of time, we've grown to love each other quite deeply and I'm fairly certain he is who I will be with for a very long time.

I have never had alcohol or drugs of any kind. No particular reason why, I was just never interested in either. I've dated my fair share of people who were active alcoholics so I'm familiar with addiction (not in a good way) but recovery is foreign to me.

Consequently, there's been a part of me that worried about the worst but all seemed to be going well with my BF's recovery so I didn't feed that anxiety by paying attention to it. Even when I heard things like "he doesn't have a year of clean time so you know where that relationship is headed", I chose to be in the moment and in the relationship. November 18th was going to be my boyfriend's anniversary. That (apparently) important milestone where, once surpassed, our relationship would have a chance of survival... so, I invested a lot in November 18th.

He relapsed last night.

Just like that, November 18th lost all meaning. And now the threat of "he doesn't have a year of clean time so you know where that relationship is headed" is going to be in my mind for the next 365 days (or more).

I'm devastated and I don't know what to do or even how to feel. I'm feeling many things but disappointment, fear, and anger are the top three. I'm overwhelmed and profoundly saddened by the whole thing.

I checked out Al-Anon's site but reading it I felt like the steps and principles don't quite fit what I'm experiencing right now. But I'm also naive. Obviously. Anyone out there with some words of wisdom?

Sorry about the long post and thanks for listening...

Last month, I celebrated my 3rd smokeless anniversary!!! It's a tuffy.