Archive for the ‘Answering Machine’ tag
Humm, my codie roots must have pre-dated Richard
I came home from work tonight to find my answering machine blinking. I hit the button and heard a voice from my past--way back to the days before I met Richard. It was a man I met on my first professional job out of high school. We dated briefly and not much came of it because I met Richard shortly thereafter and, well, you all know that story.
Anyway, since I'm a single gal now I thought I'd ring him back and see what's been happening in his life. He didn't leave his phone number, so I looked it up online, found several men with his name in the state where he last lived, so I chose one and dialed the number.
A woman answered so I told her I had the wrong number, apologized, and hung up. I had heard through the grapevine that he was still unmarried, so I tried a different number, then another. Finally, I had a light bulb moment and I hit *69, got a completely different number and rang his phone.
He answered and sounded pleased to hear from me. I told him about my difficulties with reaching him and he told me the first number I dialed was correct and his wife had answered the phone. I asked him if she was aware that he had called me. He said no, but she was home right now. I asked him where he was calling me from, he said the bedroom.
He immediately began to monopolize the conversation, asking only a few questions about me, then repeatedly interrupted me before I could answer his questions. He told me he had a fall the other day, broke his foot, and was laid up in bed with his foot in a cast. He'd heard that Richard had passed away, and thought he'd give me a call. I asked him what his Thanksgiving plans were and he said they were eating Thanksgiving dinner at a restaurant because, since he was home recooperating, it was his job to cook the turkey and get started on some of the side dishes. But he went on to say that he'd ruined several of the dishes because he'd poured himself several glasses of brandy, fell asleep, and they burned. I asked him how much he had to drink. He said, oh, you know, the usual 3-4 drinks. It was 4:00 pm when I called him.
I asked him where he was living. He said he was living in an apartment with his wife of 5 years. Back when we were dating, he was 20 years my senior. That would make him 68 today. So in a 10-minute phone conversation with him I learned that he was calling me without his wife's knowledge (but she was in the other room), he's a daily drinker and his drinking is problematic enough that he passed out and ruined his Thanksgiving dinner, that he likely fell and broke his foot also as a result of his drinking, that he's never owned a home of his own, and of all the people in his life he just happened to be thinking about me.
The good news is that today I'm able to see the red flags waving, so I wished him well, told him to enjoy his Thanksgiving dinner, and blocked his number.
And here I thought I became a codie as a result of Richard's drinking. Guess I was attractive to problem drinkers long before that, I just didn't recognize it then.
Anyway, since I'm a single gal now I thought I'd ring him back and see what's been happening in his life. He didn't leave his phone number, so I looked it up online, found several men with his name in the state where he last lived, so I chose one and dialed the number.
A woman answered so I told her I had the wrong number, apologized, and hung up. I had heard through the grapevine that he was still unmarried, so I tried a different number, then another. Finally, I had a light bulb moment and I hit *69, got a completely different number and rang his phone.
He answered and sounded pleased to hear from me. I told him about my difficulties with reaching him and he told me the first number I dialed was correct and his wife had answered the phone. I asked him if she was aware that he had called me. He said no, but she was home right now. I asked him where he was calling me from, he said the bedroom.
He immediately began to monopolize the conversation, asking only a few questions about me, then repeatedly interrupted me before I could answer his questions. He told me he had a fall the other day, broke his foot, and was laid up in bed with his foot in a cast. He'd heard that Richard had passed away, and thought he'd give me a call. I asked him what his Thanksgiving plans were and he said they were eating Thanksgiving dinner at a restaurant because, since he was home recooperating, it was his job to cook the turkey and get started on some of the side dishes. But he went on to say that he'd ruined several of the dishes because he'd poured himself several glasses of brandy, fell asleep, and they burned. I asked him how much he had to drink. He said, oh, you know, the usual 3-4 drinks. It was 4:00 pm when I called him.
I asked him where he was living. He said he was living in an apartment with his wife of 5 years. Back when we were dating, he was 20 years my senior. That would make him 68 today. So in a 10-minute phone conversation with him I learned that he was calling me without his wife's knowledge (but she was in the other room), he's a daily drinker and his drinking is problematic enough that he passed out and ruined his Thanksgiving dinner, that he likely fell and broke his foot also as a result of his drinking, that he's never owned a home of his own, and of all the people in his life he just happened to be thinking about me.
The good news is that today I'm able to see the red flags waving, so I wished him well, told him to enjoy his Thanksgiving dinner, and blocked his number.
And here I thought I became a codie as a result of Richard's drinking. Guess I was attractive to problem drinkers long before that, I just didn't recognize it then.
someone please help me get a grip … I just completely crashed again …
I really just cannot take much more of this. It's just soooooo unfair that I'm here hurting so bad and he doesn't even care that he's left me this way.
Be forewarned that this post is going to be mostly self-pity and whining ... PLEASE be gentle with my feelings because I'm just about over the edge.
I started erasing old messages off my answering machine ... yup, that was all it took to get me here ... and this is why I feel like ppl THINK I'm getting better when really I'm not. On the answering machine are a couple of messages from him. One when he was in jail after I kicked him out - he's left a message saying "can I please talk to you" all sad and remorseful ... and the other was left when he was looking for me to come collect his last social assistance check that was mailed here. That's all it took ... the sound of his voice ... and I'm a crying heap again in so much pain I actually curled up on the floor in the kitchen and cried and cried and cried.
WHY DOESN'T HE LOVE ME??? How can he go from begging to start over to completely shutting me out in a matter of a month? How can he not want to call me? WHY, of ALL THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD, did he have to choose me to use, suck dry, and leave me with NOTHING??? I was FINE without him ... I hadn't known the depth of love I felt for him and because I hadn't known it, I had nothing to MISS ... NOW I DO ... and I can't breathe from the pain. WAS IT ALL A LIE??? It had to be a lie if he could just up and go find someone new so soon after telling me he wanted to start over. WHY would he LIE to me??? How could someone look at me, see that I'm sensitive and loving, and then turn around and continue to use me knowing that it would completely devastate me??? How could you do this to another human being?? I'm completely broken and I'm trying so hard to put the pieces back together and it's just too hard ... it's just not fair. I want him to feel this pain. I want him to feel what he did to me ... and I want him to be sorry. NONE of the things that will make me feel better are in my control so what the he!! am I supposed to do now??
I'm so weak. People tell me I'm strong because I'm surviving this but honestly I don't feel like I'm surviving this at all ... it's slowly crushing me ... and it's the most painful thing I've ever been thru ... and I want it to STOP NOW.
Why am I being punished, yet again, for his actions and choices?? All I ever wanted was just to love him and for him to love me ... HE should be the one being punished and he isn't even having to do jail time for his crimes - the courts keep letting him off with probation. He doesn't have to answer for ANY of the things he's done to people.
I have a hard time believing that some HP has a plan ... because in my world ... the plan is backwards ... I'm suffering here ... I've tried my entire life to just be a good person, to treat people well and to give what I could to the world to make it a better place ... but nothing I've done ever ends up doing any good ... I end up hurt and the world keeps on spiralling downward ... more and more ppl are using drugs and alcohol ... more and more ppl are messing around on their spouses, walking away from their families, and basically just doing rotten things. What ever happened to common decency?
I miss his voice. I miss his hugs. I miss the person he was in the beginning - the person who loved me and wanted to be around me and told me I was perfect and beautiful and wanted children with me. I did EVERYTHING to prove my love to him and it wasn't good enough.
Everything I've ever believed in has been shattered by loving him ... I've lost everything that ever mattered to me ... and what suffering has he had to endure?? NOTHING!!! He gets to go on his merry little way, screwing some new girl, getting high, partying and shirking his financial responsibilities ... and I'm here trying to pay off things, knowing I'll never see the money he owes me ... having immense pain whenever I see anything with romance or love or children, or drugs or infidelity ... just about everywhere I go there is some painful reminder of him ... either a good memory that reminds me he's gone and I'll never share those things again, or a bad memory of the things he did that hurt me, betrayed me etc ... I can't escape it ... not even if I stay inside ... this HOUSE reminds me of him ... our PETS remind me of him ... I dream of him when I'm sleeping and I think of him when I'm awake and I'm so TIRED of it. I'm tired of him still having this power over me ... I'm tired of him still hurting me ... and yet I can't stop it ...
I'm so tired of this crap .... it's not getting any better and I don't want to keep on hurting like this ... it's not fair. He moved on and left me here to deal with the mess ... and I have no one to blame but myself for it ... sure I can call him names and blame him for his part ... but I was stupid enough to think he'd love me and stay, and keep his word. I thought that because I keep MY word ... and because when I say something I mean it and follow it thru with actions ... but he doesn't.
I want so badly to yell and scream at him until HE is in tears ... until he GETS what he's done here ... until he hurts like I hurt ... its' not fair that I'm stuck carrying this on my shoulders and he gets off scott-free.
I'm so powerless ... I know I can't contact him because it will just cause me more pain .... but I want so badly to hear the truth from him ... I want to write him a letter about all he's done to me .... I want him to FEEL MY PAIN. I felt his pain ... I carried his pain on my shoulders and tried to support him and love him and be there for him ... and this is how I was repaid ... now I have his pain AND my own ...
It isn't right .... it just isn't right and there is nothing I can do about it.
Be forewarned that this post is going to be mostly self-pity and whining ... PLEASE be gentle with my feelings because I'm just about over the edge.
I started erasing old messages off my answering machine ... yup, that was all it took to get me here ... and this is why I feel like ppl THINK I'm getting better when really I'm not. On the answering machine are a couple of messages from him. One when he was in jail after I kicked him out - he's left a message saying "can I please talk to you" all sad and remorseful ... and the other was left when he was looking for me to come collect his last social assistance check that was mailed here. That's all it took ... the sound of his voice ... and I'm a crying heap again in so much pain I actually curled up on the floor in the kitchen and cried and cried and cried.
WHY DOESN'T HE LOVE ME??? How can he go from begging to start over to completely shutting me out in a matter of a month? How can he not want to call me? WHY, of ALL THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD, did he have to choose me to use, suck dry, and leave me with NOTHING??? I was FINE without him ... I hadn't known the depth of love I felt for him and because I hadn't known it, I had nothing to MISS ... NOW I DO ... and I can't breathe from the pain. WAS IT ALL A LIE??? It had to be a lie if he could just up and go find someone new so soon after telling me he wanted to start over. WHY would he LIE to me??? How could someone look at me, see that I'm sensitive and loving, and then turn around and continue to use me knowing that it would completely devastate me??? How could you do this to another human being?? I'm completely broken and I'm trying so hard to put the pieces back together and it's just too hard ... it's just not fair. I want him to feel this pain. I want him to feel what he did to me ... and I want him to be sorry. NONE of the things that will make me feel better are in my control so what the he!! am I supposed to do now??
I'm so weak. People tell me I'm strong because I'm surviving this but honestly I don't feel like I'm surviving this at all ... it's slowly crushing me ... and it's the most painful thing I've ever been thru ... and I want it to STOP NOW.
Why am I being punished, yet again, for his actions and choices?? All I ever wanted was just to love him and for him to love me ... HE should be the one being punished and he isn't even having to do jail time for his crimes - the courts keep letting him off with probation. He doesn't have to answer for ANY of the things he's done to people.
I have a hard time believing that some HP has a plan ... because in my world ... the plan is backwards ... I'm suffering here ... I've tried my entire life to just be a good person, to treat people well and to give what I could to the world to make it a better place ... but nothing I've done ever ends up doing any good ... I end up hurt and the world keeps on spiralling downward ... more and more ppl are using drugs and alcohol ... more and more ppl are messing around on their spouses, walking away from their families, and basically just doing rotten things. What ever happened to common decency?
I miss his voice. I miss his hugs. I miss the person he was in the beginning - the person who loved me and wanted to be around me and told me I was perfect and beautiful and wanted children with me. I did EVERYTHING to prove my love to him and it wasn't good enough.
Everything I've ever believed in has been shattered by loving him ... I've lost everything that ever mattered to me ... and what suffering has he had to endure?? NOTHING!!! He gets to go on his merry little way, screwing some new girl, getting high, partying and shirking his financial responsibilities ... and I'm here trying to pay off things, knowing I'll never see the money he owes me ... having immense pain whenever I see anything with romance or love or children, or drugs or infidelity ... just about everywhere I go there is some painful reminder of him ... either a good memory that reminds me he's gone and I'll never share those things again, or a bad memory of the things he did that hurt me, betrayed me etc ... I can't escape it ... not even if I stay inside ... this HOUSE reminds me of him ... our PETS remind me of him ... I dream of him when I'm sleeping and I think of him when I'm awake and I'm so TIRED of it. I'm tired of him still having this power over me ... I'm tired of him still hurting me ... and yet I can't stop it ...
I'm so tired of this crap .... it's not getting any better and I don't want to keep on hurting like this ... it's not fair. He moved on and left me here to deal with the mess ... and I have no one to blame but myself for it ... sure I can call him names and blame him for his part ... but I was stupid enough to think he'd love me and stay, and keep his word. I thought that because I keep MY word ... and because when I say something I mean it and follow it thru with actions ... but he doesn't.
I want so badly to yell and scream at him until HE is in tears ... until he GETS what he's done here ... until he hurts like I hurt ... its' not fair that I'm stuck carrying this on my shoulders and he gets off scott-free.
I'm so powerless ... I know I can't contact him because it will just cause me more pain .... but I want so badly to hear the truth from him ... I want to write him a letter about all he's done to me .... I want him to FEEL MY PAIN. I felt his pain ... I carried his pain on my shoulders and tried to support him and love him and be there for him ... and this is how I was repaid ... now I have his pain AND my own ...
It isn't right .... it just isn't right and there is nothing I can do about it.
He is in Jail
Everything seemed fine the past few weeks. We hung out last weekend and he was sober. It was nice. We talked briefly yesterday while he was at work and he sounded good then as well. I have been doing very well. I am getting work done, I just won an award (yay!), and I have been socializing more.
I just got home from class and there was a message on my answering machine - a collect call from an inmate. I called him at work, but he hasn't come into work yet, so it has to be him (who else would it be???). He was in jail before because of a DUI issue, so I have been here before.
I want to be mad and frantic and try to find his friends who might know what's up. Instead I made some coffee and came here. There is nothing I can do. I will go about my day as I had planned. I will not freak out over this because at this point I don't even know what's up. Of course I am thinking that he got paid yesterday and this has something to do with alcohol and drugs, but then what's the point of speculating.
I am upset (and crying), I am not going to lie and once I find out what is going on, I might turn into mother hen again who will fight them all to get the poor man out of trouble. Maybe I should not pick up the phone, but I won't be able to not find out what is going on.
I can't believe this. On the other hand, perhaps it's what was needed. But really, I cannot believe this.
I just got home from class and there was a message on my answering machine - a collect call from an inmate. I called him at work, but he hasn't come into work yet, so it has to be him (who else would it be???). He was in jail before because of a DUI issue, so I have been here before.
I want to be mad and frantic and try to find his friends who might know what's up. Instead I made some coffee and came here. There is nothing I can do. I will go about my day as I had planned. I will not freak out over this because at this point I don't even know what's up. Of course I am thinking that he got paid yesterday and this has something to do with alcohol and drugs, but then what's the point of speculating.
I am upset (and crying), I am not going to lie and once I find out what is going on, I might turn into mother hen again who will fight them all to get the poor man out of trouble. Maybe I should not pick up the phone, but I won't be able to not find out what is going on.
I can't believe this. On the other hand, perhaps it's what was needed. But really, I cannot believe this.
An amazing breakthrough: Getting out of the way
Well, I have been attending Al Anon, reading the literature, and beginning to move towards a more integral recovery.
I just wanted to share a quick experience of getting out the way...
As a rescuer/enabler, I have always been there to save my AH from unpleasantness...even now after he has moved out, I have listened to his problems, and still offering my all powerful (yeah right) advice and sympathy. Of course, this does nothing but drain me physically and emotionally. I was literally quacking up. :lmao
Now with some program tools under my belt...last night and today an incident happened that made me think more about this program and its benefits.
I went to school all day yesterday and didn't get home until 11:30pm. On the answering machine, the AH called...obviously toasted...and sounding really desperate: "I NEED someone to talk to! Please help me! Call me right away...I wish you were there!" Under normal circumstances, I would have immediately called, panicing...powercalling until I got him. But I did the first thing I learned in Al Anon: STOP....THINK...so I did. I sat down and thought about what to do. I said the SERENITY PRAYER. After I read some program material, reflected, prayed, and released him to God. If I called back at that hour, he would be passed out or it would have ended up an emotional exhaustion for me. I could only do the most sane, productive thing to do: STOP, THINK, LET GOD AND LET GOD...rinse, repeat.
This morning about 11am. He called me at work. My AH hit his bottom last night. Sold the last piece of jewerly that he has for some food. It hit him hard. Said he seriously thought about taking his own life, and no one was there to talk to him. He was utterly alone, penniless, and empty. I never asked if he drank or offer to get the necklace out of hock. I just LISTENED, another Al Anon tool.
He said he wanted to call me to tell me that he just left his first AA meeting. He got his chip. Since he had never been to an AA meeting before, I knew he wasn't quacking because he told me thing about the meetings that only one would know if you go (like format and such). I told him I was really glad to hear it. He deserved soberity. He said he knew that we weren't getting back together, but he is at the bottom and it was time to go up. He wanted to share the experience with me.
This doesn't change anything between us. The damage is done, but I am peaceful knowing that absolutely nothing I did made him hit bottom or rescued him. What he chooses to do with it is his decision. Will he continue on with it? I don't know. Will he go back and drink himself to death? I don't know. Will AA help? Only God and he know this. What I can say, is I GOT OUT OF THE WAY...I didn't do this in a way to manipulate, control, coerce, but got out of the way for my very life and for his too.
After we hung up, I again released him to God. My husband's name is Donald, have I ever told you that? Donald is an alcoholic, and for such a long time I never saw him as the person he was, but as a disease, an addict, a helpless child, an AH. Today, thanks to Al-Anon, I saw Donald today as he is...a man who is making is own decision, a capable man, a person who I can separate from the disease that has inflicted him and our family. And my sincerest hope is that his decision takes him towards his recovery....because truly, recovery is such a gift.
Silverberry.
I just wanted to share a quick experience of getting out the way...
As a rescuer/enabler, I have always been there to save my AH from unpleasantness...even now after he has moved out, I have listened to his problems, and still offering my all powerful (yeah right) advice and sympathy. Of course, this does nothing but drain me physically and emotionally. I was literally quacking up. :lmao
Now with some program tools under my belt...last night and today an incident happened that made me think more about this program and its benefits.
I went to school all day yesterday and didn't get home until 11:30pm. On the answering machine, the AH called...obviously toasted...and sounding really desperate: "I NEED someone to talk to! Please help me! Call me right away...I wish you were there!" Under normal circumstances, I would have immediately called, panicing...powercalling until I got him. But I did the first thing I learned in Al Anon: STOP....THINK...so I did. I sat down and thought about what to do. I said the SERENITY PRAYER. After I read some program material, reflected, prayed, and released him to God. If I called back at that hour, he would be passed out or it would have ended up an emotional exhaustion for me. I could only do the most sane, productive thing to do: STOP, THINK, LET GOD AND LET GOD...rinse, repeat.
This morning about 11am. He called me at work. My AH hit his bottom last night. Sold the last piece of jewerly that he has for some food. It hit him hard. Said he seriously thought about taking his own life, and no one was there to talk to him. He was utterly alone, penniless, and empty. I never asked if he drank or offer to get the necklace out of hock. I just LISTENED, another Al Anon tool.
He said he wanted to call me to tell me that he just left his first AA meeting. He got his chip. Since he had never been to an AA meeting before, I knew he wasn't quacking because he told me thing about the meetings that only one would know if you go (like format and such). I told him I was really glad to hear it. He deserved soberity. He said he knew that we weren't getting back together, but he is at the bottom and it was time to go up. He wanted to share the experience with me.
This doesn't change anything between us. The damage is done, but I am peaceful knowing that absolutely nothing I did made him hit bottom or rescued him. What he chooses to do with it is his decision. Will he continue on with it? I don't know. Will he go back and drink himself to death? I don't know. Will AA help? Only God and he know this. What I can say, is I GOT OUT OF THE WAY...I didn't do this in a way to manipulate, control, coerce, but got out of the way for my very life and for his too.
After we hung up, I again released him to God. My husband's name is Donald, have I ever told you that? Donald is an alcoholic, and for such a long time I never saw him as the person he was, but as a disease, an addict, a helpless child, an AH. Today, thanks to Al-Anon, I saw Donald today as he is...a man who is making is own decision, a capable man, a person who I can separate from the disease that has inflicted him and our family. And my sincerest hope is that his decision takes him towards his recovery....because truly, recovery is such a gift.
Silverberry.
Theres no place like home….
OMG!! You'll never believe what happened! I was clicking my heels together and repeating in my head (because lets face it....if you said it out loud and the neighbors heard it they would think you were crazy) "THERES NO PLACE LIKE HOME" and SNAP!! Look where I eneded up!
Anyhow!! GROUP HUG PLEAAAASE!! :ghug2
I sure have missed you guys and wow!! So many new names and faces! Doesn't matter! Y'all get in on this hug too! Don't be shy now.
For those of you who don't know or remember me, Hi, my name is Loves and my exabf is a crack addict. I'm sure all the dirty little details aren't necessary. If you've been blessed enough to find SR gthen you're going through a hell much similar to what I did. My prayers are with all of you.
For those of you who do know me, I figured it was time to post a little life update just in case you ever wonder....and even if you don't, here is is anyways LOL
The ex is still in jail awaiting trial for the kidnapping, carjacking and home invasion charges I have against him. But get this!! You sitting down? He's STILL trying to call me from the jail and because the no contact order doesn't specify "no phone contact", he's allowed! Doesn't matter really because the only voice he gets to hear is that of my answering machine telling him I got a life.....Good Bye!
My oldest daughter and grandson have moved in with me so I lost my serenity about 3 months ago LOL. I love the stuffins out of my grandson, but am going to have to detach my foot from my daughters behind as it seems she tries to take advantage of me in every way she can. That's a codependency issue of another color but I'm like a hurricane! I'm gaining my strength back the warmer the waters get and I'll be back on top of this situation in no time. I remember that the word NO is a complete sentence. I just need to start using it more.
Last but not least. I'm finally dating someone steady. He's a law enforcement officer! That's me!! From bad guy to guy who arrests bad guys LOL. Now that's extreme dating if I ever saw it! Although it wouldn't have been possible if I hadn't of taken the time out I needed for me without man in my life. I took the time to get to know me again, be comfortable in my own shoes and work on the steps. Once i got myself in order.....then I was ready to bring someone new into my life. If I hadn't of done all of that, i would have ended up with the same type of hmmmm.......not so nice guy again and quite honestly.....that life sucked!
So here's a picture of Wyatt! I have more, but didn't want to overload the bandwith which I'm so good at! :lmao
I really missed you guys! And you're never out of my prayers.
Anyhow!! GROUP HUG PLEAAAASE!! :ghug2
I sure have missed you guys and wow!! So many new names and faces! Doesn't matter! Y'all get in on this hug too! Don't be shy now.
For those of you who don't know or remember me, Hi, my name is Loves and my exabf is a crack addict. I'm sure all the dirty little details aren't necessary. If you've been blessed enough to find SR gthen you're going through a hell much similar to what I did. My prayers are with all of you.
For those of you who do know me, I figured it was time to post a little life update just in case you ever wonder....and even if you don't, here is is anyways LOL
The ex is still in jail awaiting trial for the kidnapping, carjacking and home invasion charges I have against him. But get this!! You sitting down? He's STILL trying to call me from the jail and because the no contact order doesn't specify "no phone contact", he's allowed! Doesn't matter really because the only voice he gets to hear is that of my answering machine telling him I got a life.....Good Bye!
My oldest daughter and grandson have moved in with me so I lost my serenity about 3 months ago LOL. I love the stuffins out of my grandson, but am going to have to detach my foot from my daughters behind as it seems she tries to take advantage of me in every way she can. That's a codependency issue of another color but I'm like a hurricane! I'm gaining my strength back the warmer the waters get and I'll be back on top of this situation in no time. I remember that the word NO is a complete sentence. I just need to start using it more.
Last but not least. I'm finally dating someone steady. He's a law enforcement officer! That's me!! From bad guy to guy who arrests bad guys LOL. Now that's extreme dating if I ever saw it! Although it wouldn't have been possible if I hadn't of taken the time out I needed for me without man in my life. I took the time to get to know me again, be comfortable in my own shoes and work on the steps. Once i got myself in order.....then I was ready to bring someone new into my life. If I hadn't of done all of that, i would have ended up with the same type of hmmmm.......not so nice guy again and quite honestly.....that life sucked!
So here's a picture of Wyatt! I have more, but didn't want to overload the bandwith which I'm so good at! :lmao
I really missed you guys! And you're never out of my prayers.
Having a hard time!
Back again and I see a few others are too. I'm having a real tough time with detaching with "love" again. Thought I had it somewhat mastered but was I ever wrong.
Does anyone else find that the only way they can detach is with complete avoidance? That is the only way I seem to be able to keep myself sane. I have layed down boundary after boundary and my AD could care less so it's better not to even see her or talk to her which is hard with the grandkids. I find myself not even answering the phone half the time but even the sound of her voice on the answering machine nauseates me. I can't stand looking at her, talking to her or even being in the same area with her. Tried quite a few times this year and she won't let things be. Snide remarks, trying to goad me into a fight (which I fell for a couple times). She tried the not letting the grandkids see me which I knew would fail within a week.
But, she actually makes me sick to my stomach and I feel horrible cause I'm her mother. I mean I don't want anything bad to happen to her, and I do love her, but I sometimes wonder, if she did by some miracle, go to rehab and make an effort if I'd even want contact with her then. I just don't care.
She was always a high-maintenance child, even before drugs. From the time she learned to walk and talk everyday was a chore and just about every family member and friend just couldn't take her attitude anymore (and this was when she was still a toddler). I started her in counseling, spent thousands of dollars all to no avail and she found drugs was the answer to everything. Out of my hands.
I know the three C's backwards and forwards and I do believe in them. I go about my day confident in the fact of knowing I didn't cause, I can't cure it, and I can't control it, I just wish she'd leave me alone.
Am I as horrible mother as I feel when I have these feelings? I sometimes look at her and wish I'd never had her. There, I finally said it and now I feel even worse but I can't make it go away.
Does anyone else find that the only way they can detach is with complete avoidance? That is the only way I seem to be able to keep myself sane. I have layed down boundary after boundary and my AD could care less so it's better not to even see her or talk to her which is hard with the grandkids. I find myself not even answering the phone half the time but even the sound of her voice on the answering machine nauseates me. I can't stand looking at her, talking to her or even being in the same area with her. Tried quite a few times this year and she won't let things be. Snide remarks, trying to goad me into a fight (which I fell for a couple times). She tried the not letting the grandkids see me which I knew would fail within a week.
But, she actually makes me sick to my stomach and I feel horrible cause I'm her mother. I mean I don't want anything bad to happen to her, and I do love her, but I sometimes wonder, if she did by some miracle, go to rehab and make an effort if I'd even want contact with her then. I just don't care.
She was always a high-maintenance child, even before drugs. From the time she learned to walk and talk everyday was a chore and just about every family member and friend just couldn't take her attitude anymore (and this was when she was still a toddler). I started her in counseling, spent thousands of dollars all to no avail and she found drugs was the answer to everything. Out of my hands.
I know the three C's backwards and forwards and I do believe in them. I go about my day confident in the fact of knowing I didn't cause, I can't cure it, and I can't control it, I just wish she'd leave me alone.
Am I as horrible mother as I feel when I have these feelings? I sometimes look at her and wish I'd never had her. There, I finally said it and now I feel even worse but I can't make it go away.
