Archive for the ‘Apartment’ tag
chance # 2 tomorrow
well, i called the apartment complex i am looking to move into, not expecting to get an apartment, but at least to be put on the waiting list because it can be hard to get an apartment there.
i called and the first time i was told i was on the waiting list but they didn't have any 1 bedrooms at the time. i called back and asked about 2 bedrooms also and was put on the list for that.
so, i then resided myself to the fact that i was staying put where i'm at and was okay with that. AH was nice this morning even though he drank last night and was charming (of course, it is like they have a sick sense when something is going on...grrr) i was reminded of the things i love about him. also, he stated again that he was going to set up marriage counseling with the pastor at the church he has been going to.
wouldn't you know, then my phone rang. message to call the apartment complex... i called, it was the very same woman i talked to before that had went out of her way and pulled strings so i could move in then months ago if i wanted. she said she had remembered me and our conversation adn that she could get me into a two bedroom now. it is more money, but i would have a place to store my stuff. i have absolutely no idea how i will manage to pay for it and morgage while the house is not sold and i still cannot see myself taking the furniture out of the house, it still seems so cold to me.
and, God forbid, what if i leave and the worst happens and somehow he does kill himself? how do i live with that? how do i live with the guilt if he gets worse and gets really sick or kills himself drinking and driving..anything - i just feel like i need to make sure he is okay all the time and protect him. i really struggle with abandoning him. i really do.
soo,,, i told her i would come look tomorrow. i just don't know if i can actually go through with signing the lease.
AH is drinking again tonight. i did not tell him i was looking at the place tomorrow, but i did ask him if he knew i was going to move out if he would stop. he asked no, how many times have you told me you would move out and you can't afford to do it anyway.
i really don't know if i'm ready or not. part of me thinks i am and part thinks i'm not. part of me thinks i have to and it is a really good idea...the other part thinks no, now you have to give this counseling a try. you owe it to him.
so, don't know what tomorrow will bring, except, that i will really be disappointed and defeated again, if, once again, i don't have the courage to do it.
i called and the first time i was told i was on the waiting list but they didn't have any 1 bedrooms at the time. i called back and asked about 2 bedrooms also and was put on the list for that.
so, i then resided myself to the fact that i was staying put where i'm at and was okay with that. AH was nice this morning even though he drank last night and was charming (of course, it is like they have a sick sense when something is going on...grrr) i was reminded of the things i love about him. also, he stated again that he was going to set up marriage counseling with the pastor at the church he has been going to.
wouldn't you know, then my phone rang. message to call the apartment complex... i called, it was the very same woman i talked to before that had went out of her way and pulled strings so i could move in then months ago if i wanted. she said she had remembered me and our conversation adn that she could get me into a two bedroom now. it is more money, but i would have a place to store my stuff. i have absolutely no idea how i will manage to pay for it and morgage while the house is not sold and i still cannot see myself taking the furniture out of the house, it still seems so cold to me.
and, God forbid, what if i leave and the worst happens and somehow he does kill himself? how do i live with that? how do i live with the guilt if he gets worse and gets really sick or kills himself drinking and driving..anything - i just feel like i need to make sure he is okay all the time and protect him. i really struggle with abandoning him. i really do.
soo,,, i told her i would come look tomorrow. i just don't know if i can actually go through with signing the lease.
AH is drinking again tonight. i did not tell him i was looking at the place tomorrow, but i did ask him if he knew i was going to move out if he would stop. he asked no, how many times have you told me you would move out and you can't afford to do it anyway.
i really don't know if i'm ready or not. part of me thinks i am and part thinks i'm not. part of me thinks i have to and it is a really good idea...the other part thinks no, now you have to give this counseling a try. you owe it to him.
so, don't know what tomorrow will bring, except, that i will really be disappointed and defeated again, if, once again, i don't have the courage to do it.
subs and school
Hey, I wrote about this in the HIV thread and figured I should just start another one.
My first issue is this: I got off heroin about 4 weeks ago now (!!!!!) and I was supposed to be on subs just to control the withdrawal and I was supposed to taper off within a couple weeks of starting them. Then I just didn't do it cause I "didn't want to have any withdrawal over the holidays" and now I've been on 8 mg a day for a few weeks and only have about 15 pills left. I am scared to get off them entirely because I don't entirely trust myself to not do dope, though I don't think it's necessarily think it's healthy to be using subs as a crutch like that. I've definitely heard not to stay on subs for 6 months or whatever, but I'm really scared that I'm going to relapse. I haven't had bad cravings for heroin but there's been a few times I think if I knew where to get it in Atlanta I might have but I always think "well I'm on subs, it would be pointless", so I don't. What are your thoughts on that?
Also, I have been drinking, smoking a little weed, and taken a little valium here, nothing excessively, but obviously it's not a good pattern. Do you think moving to Asheville where I don't know anyone and being a full time student in a couple weeks is a stupid idea? My family and I just don't know what to do because I'm supposed to be living in an apartment there and they think I should be in sober living, which I refuse to do again even though I really do want to be sober. My other options are staying in Atlanta with them and working or something but I'm already 24 and only have 57 credits and I just feel so behind. I know I haven't been sober the last few months but I really have been in sober living for about a year and a half of my life and I really can't do it anymore. I am very conflicted and I have to make up my mind within a couple days about where I'll be living and everything. What do you guys think?
My first issue is this: I got off heroin about 4 weeks ago now (!!!!!) and I was supposed to be on subs just to control the withdrawal and I was supposed to taper off within a couple weeks of starting them. Then I just didn't do it cause I "didn't want to have any withdrawal over the holidays" and now I've been on 8 mg a day for a few weeks and only have about 15 pills left. I am scared to get off them entirely because I don't entirely trust myself to not do dope, though I don't think it's necessarily think it's healthy to be using subs as a crutch like that. I've definitely heard not to stay on subs for 6 months or whatever, but I'm really scared that I'm going to relapse. I haven't had bad cravings for heroin but there's been a few times I think if I knew where to get it in Atlanta I might have but I always think "well I'm on subs, it would be pointless", so I don't. What are your thoughts on that?
Also, I have been drinking, smoking a little weed, and taken a little valium here, nothing excessively, but obviously it's not a good pattern. Do you think moving to Asheville where I don't know anyone and being a full time student in a couple weeks is a stupid idea? My family and I just don't know what to do because I'm supposed to be living in an apartment there and they think I should be in sober living, which I refuse to do again even though I really do want to be sober. My other options are staying in Atlanta with them and working or something but I'm already 24 and only have 57 credits and I just feel so behind. I know I haven't been sober the last few months but I really have been in sober living for about a year and a half of my life and I really can't do it anymore. I am very conflicted and I have to make up my mind within a couple days about where I'll be living and everything. What do you guys think?
venting - wanting to scream-hope i’m allowed
i truly don't know how much more of this i can take you guys.
i want to just scream and cry and yell. i've been so patient but something has to give soon.
i just don't know how much longer i can stand staying in this house with AH. i have no idea when it is going to sell or when this nightmare is going to end. i called today about an apartment, but i'm on the waiting list and she doesn't have anyone that has even given a 30 day notice.
even my mom says she doesn't know how i've standed it as long as i have.
i want peace. i know that every second i stay here and allow AH to verbally abuse me (not to mention the fear of physical abuse or something horrible happening to him or someone else) the more my self esteem and my will go down.
i've done so much to build myself up, i really don't want to lose myself again.
last night after a bunch of verbally attacking me as i sat on the couch and said absolutely nothing. then he just stands there and stares at me or laughs every time he goes by me (which really kinda creeps me out), he was so drunk he urinated himself, then he got up from that and got in a truck and drove. i don't know how he does it without getting a dui. he can kill somebody or kill himself. of course, this morning raging and yelling at me the whole time i was getting ready for work continuing to degrade me.
i don't have any control over anything with him anymore. i can't talk any logical sense into him. i can't reach him.
it really hurts and makes me sick to my stomach that it has come to this and that i can't even get through to him.
i've called a friend of his -more like a father figure- and told him the whole situation. he said he would talk to him, but he hasn't done anything and hasn't called me back. he's the only one that i know might be able to help him.
the only other thing i could think to do to help him is to tell his best friend and maybe try to get his parents support (not likely because they are the biggest enablers). i don't want to do this without talking to the other guy i have confided in, but he doesn't call me back. my counselor suggested that maybe i have him talk to the others and get everybody together.
anyway, i'm just at the end of my rope. the holidays are getting to me. i'm sad and lonely and depressed. anxiety is starting to get to me.
i'm not one to give up or give in. i've got a fighting spirit.
but, please tell me that this bad time will all be over soon and i will be happy again.
i want to just scream and cry and yell. i've been so patient but something has to give soon.
i just don't know how much longer i can stand staying in this house with AH. i have no idea when it is going to sell or when this nightmare is going to end. i called today about an apartment, but i'm on the waiting list and she doesn't have anyone that has even given a 30 day notice.
even my mom says she doesn't know how i've standed it as long as i have.
i want peace. i know that every second i stay here and allow AH to verbally abuse me (not to mention the fear of physical abuse or something horrible happening to him or someone else) the more my self esteem and my will go down.
i've done so much to build myself up, i really don't want to lose myself again.
last night after a bunch of verbally attacking me as i sat on the couch and said absolutely nothing. then he just stands there and stares at me or laughs every time he goes by me (which really kinda creeps me out), he was so drunk he urinated himself, then he got up from that and got in a truck and drove. i don't know how he does it without getting a dui. he can kill somebody or kill himself. of course, this morning raging and yelling at me the whole time i was getting ready for work continuing to degrade me.
i don't have any control over anything with him anymore. i can't talk any logical sense into him. i can't reach him.
it really hurts and makes me sick to my stomach that it has come to this and that i can't even get through to him.
i've called a friend of his -more like a father figure- and told him the whole situation. he said he would talk to him, but he hasn't done anything and hasn't called me back. he's the only one that i know might be able to help him.
the only other thing i could think to do to help him is to tell his best friend and maybe try to get his parents support (not likely because they are the biggest enablers). i don't want to do this without talking to the other guy i have confided in, but he doesn't call me back. my counselor suggested that maybe i have him talk to the others and get everybody together.
anyway, i'm just at the end of my rope. the holidays are getting to me. i'm sad and lonely and depressed. anxiety is starting to get to me.
i'm not one to give up or give in. i've got a fighting spirit.
but, please tell me that this bad time will all be over soon and i will be happy again.
Just had a very scary experience and really, really want to drink
I just got home after experiencing some drunk domestic violence drama that happened to my friend at her home by her boyfriend while I was visiting. Then one my way home I encountered pretty much every drunk crazy person on the street and got hassled. On my way inside my apartment building my crazy drunk neighbor asked me if I wanted to have a beer with him.
I feel very close to taking him up on his offer but I know it won't do anything.
The biggest thing that I'm thinking right now is how and why I got into that situation in the first place. She drinks, and I think a part of me came over there in the first place was so I could drink. And the crazy thing is, is when the guy staggered inside and put down three bottles of wine on the table, all I could think of was taking one as I was leaving as they started to fight. What a crazy thing to think.
I called the police and they came and she's okay. But why am I only thinking of myself right now?
I feel very close to taking him up on his offer but I know it won't do anything.
The biggest thing that I'm thinking right now is how and why I got into that situation in the first place. She drinks, and I think a part of me came over there in the first place was so I could drink. And the crazy thing is, is when the guy staggered inside and put down three bottles of wine on the table, all I could think of was taking one as I was leaving as they started to fight. What a crazy thing to think.
I called the police and they came and she's okay. But why am I only thinking of myself right now?
I’ve Stopped Protecting Him and I’m Scared …
Sorry for 2 posts tonight but in one I was introducing myself and situation and in this one I need to discuss what actually finally brought me here.
I got him to move out 6 months ago, but we own a duplex and my sister and her husband and children moved into the other side. They had a run of bad luck when her husband got injured and haven't been able to pay rent. Now I have no other choice but to move the AH back in here with me because finances are so tight. He's angry and wants to kick them out, but they are still planning to pay me as soon as they're back on their feet and there are so many things that must be done before selling the house in the worst time to try to sell one in the first place.
Anyway - he had a heart attack several months back and I thought it was his rock bottom / turning point. He was doing pretty well for a little while, but lapsed when he realized he could drink and still wake up in the morning. Now it's back to the heavy whiskey drinking and I don't want him back here like that but financially I'm in a bind.
He called his daughters (from his apartment tonight) and was so hammered that they are furious. He had been fooling them into believing that after the heart attack he'd quit drinking and smoking. They're livid that he's been lying to them and of course I've been covering (the great enabler). Not that they've asked me - but I haven't offered up the info. He likes to tell me his wishes every night - in case he doesn't wake up in the morning. Sure - I'm having great sleeps after listening to that!
Anyway - one daughter called me tonight to ask me and I told her the whole truth. He's going to be very angry at me for explaining the whole situation to his daughter. THIS WILL BE WAR, when he finds out that I've blown his cover. He will go for the jugular (do everything he can to make my life more miserable than it already is) and instead of sleeping right now, I'm anticipating how I will deal with this war. Part of me just wants this over so badly that I don't care about whatever smear campaign he wants to go with - to blame me for everything and make sure that everyone thinks it is all MY fault in the end and another part is scared of dealing with this situation. There have always been underlying threats of what he would do if I were to take a stand and I know I'm about to face them, because I have had enough! I believe I'm REALLY at my rock bottom now and it's time to face the music. I have to believe that as long as he doesn't kill me - I will survive. It's not that I'm worried he will - but actually I really am not sure what he would do when feeling threatened by this ... does anyone have suggestions on how to deal with this matter and stay strong?
I got him to move out 6 months ago, but we own a duplex and my sister and her husband and children moved into the other side. They had a run of bad luck when her husband got injured and haven't been able to pay rent. Now I have no other choice but to move the AH back in here with me because finances are so tight. He's angry and wants to kick them out, but they are still planning to pay me as soon as they're back on their feet and there are so many things that must be done before selling the house in the worst time to try to sell one in the first place.
Anyway - he had a heart attack several months back and I thought it was his rock bottom / turning point. He was doing pretty well for a little while, but lapsed when he realized he could drink and still wake up in the morning. Now it's back to the heavy whiskey drinking and I don't want him back here like that but financially I'm in a bind.
He called his daughters (from his apartment tonight) and was so hammered that they are furious. He had been fooling them into believing that after the heart attack he'd quit drinking and smoking. They're livid that he's been lying to them and of course I've been covering (the great enabler). Not that they've asked me - but I haven't offered up the info. He likes to tell me his wishes every night - in case he doesn't wake up in the morning. Sure - I'm having great sleeps after listening to that!
Anyway - one daughter called me tonight to ask me and I told her the whole truth. He's going to be very angry at me for explaining the whole situation to his daughter. THIS WILL BE WAR, when he finds out that I've blown his cover. He will go for the jugular (do everything he can to make my life more miserable than it already is) and instead of sleeping right now, I'm anticipating how I will deal with this war. Part of me just wants this over so badly that I don't care about whatever smear campaign he wants to go with - to blame me for everything and make sure that everyone thinks it is all MY fault in the end and another part is scared of dealing with this situation. There have always been underlying threats of what he would do if I were to take a stand and I know I'm about to face them, because I have had enough! I believe I'm REALLY at my rock bottom now and it's time to face the music. I have to believe that as long as he doesn't kill me - I will survive. It's not that I'm worried he will - but actually I really am not sure what he would do when feeling threatened by this ... does anyone have suggestions on how to deal with this matter and stay strong?
so this is my plan (questions & rambling)
Okay it is not really a plan...but I am working it out maybe I am just thinking it all out....
I need to leave AH. He is just getting worse and becoming emotionally abusive and saying horrible things to me and ODD.
He is currently trying to Detox at home by himself..no AA...no counseling...no reading (this has about a 10% chance if that)
But you can imagine how much fun it is living w/someone doing this.
It's not that I don't want to be supportive....I just can't. Emotionally I have to protect myself and i CAN'T JUMP ON THE BAND WAGON (AGAIN). If he wants to get sober he'll do it w/ or w/o my support.
So,
I need to get and apartment (currently looking) I don't work, but I have a savings that could get us by for a few months
probably should try to find something furnished
can I get an apptment w/o a job? I hope so! I could prepay...so maybe?
Should I just leave? Maybe I should let him know? Does it really matter?
what else?
I don't want a divorse I just need to be away from the insanity...Do I need to call a lawyer?
Is it dumb of me to think that maybe he will get sober and we can be together?
It makes me so so sad. I don't want to leave my house...my Christmas decorations the kids toys....but those are just things.
I keep daydreaming of what it will be like...is that nuts? It will be harder and yet easier....
Okay rambling done...any thoughts?
I need to leave AH. He is just getting worse and becoming emotionally abusive and saying horrible things to me and ODD.
He is currently trying to Detox at home by himself..no AA...no counseling...no reading (this has about a 10% chance if that)
But you can imagine how much fun it is living w/someone doing this.
It's not that I don't want to be supportive....I just can't. Emotionally I have to protect myself and i CAN'T JUMP ON THE BAND WAGON (AGAIN). If he wants to get sober he'll do it w/ or w/o my support.
So,
I need to get and apartment (currently looking) I don't work, but I have a savings that could get us by for a few months
probably should try to find something furnished
can I get an apptment w/o a job? I hope so! I could prepay...so maybe?
Should I just leave? Maybe I should let him know? Does it really matter?
what else?
I don't want a divorse I just need to be away from the insanity...Do I need to call a lawyer?
Is it dumb of me to think that maybe he will get sober and we can be together?
It makes me so so sad. I don't want to leave my house...my Christmas decorations the kids toys....but those are just things.
I keep daydreaming of what it will be like...is that nuts? It will be harder and yet easier....
Okay rambling done...any thoughts?
1.5 days in….
Hi everyone, I threw my smokes away again, this would be the 4th time in about 1 month. I was an off and on smoker in my younger days, usually while sitting in a bar. I quit for years completely than a few years ago when my marriage was falling apart do to alcoholic hub I started secretlly smoking. I hated it but kept trying to smoke different brands etc. My hubby was secretlly drinking lol so I thought I would join the fun.
Two years later, I am in my own apartment and it has become my smoking cave. I do it alone and try to mask the smell with sprays candles etc. It's alot of work trying to secretlly smoke. Unexpected guests can come and what about the hair smelling and your clothes. I knew if someone might comeover, I would get up incredably early and put on a fan and open windows and chain smoke for a bit and than start the ritual of showering, teeth brushing, gum etc.
The worst thing that has been happening is my cronic cough. Sometimes in the morning I cough up chunks of lung..I swear..it is nasty. I am so mad at my self for this behavior. I do have a lot on my plate right now so why make it worse by slowly killing myself with cigs.
My youngest daughter had her first baby wed night. I was with her all day along with a great group of her friends and my other daughter. In the hopstipal setting, I could still smell smoke coming out of my mouth 12 hours after my last cigerette, plus my coughing.
On thanksgiving, our whole family came to the hospital and we had dinner there together. My ex was with us and I could really smell him, smoke mixed with old beer. I thought, I hope they can't smell me. When I got home to my secret smoking cave, I lit up. It made me feel tired and weak. So I stood up and ran water in the pack. 4th time this month, trully. So please send me some prayers. I don't feel good anymore and I really want to be healthy for my new grandaughter.
Thanks
Two years later, I am in my own apartment and it has become my smoking cave. I do it alone and try to mask the smell with sprays candles etc. It's alot of work trying to secretlly smoke. Unexpected guests can come and what about the hair smelling and your clothes. I knew if someone might comeover, I would get up incredably early and put on a fan and open windows and chain smoke for a bit and than start the ritual of showering, teeth brushing, gum etc.
The worst thing that has been happening is my cronic cough. Sometimes in the morning I cough up chunks of lung..I swear..it is nasty. I am so mad at my self for this behavior. I do have a lot on my plate right now so why make it worse by slowly killing myself with cigs.
My youngest daughter had her first baby wed night. I was with her all day along with a great group of her friends and my other daughter. In the hopstipal setting, I could still smell smoke coming out of my mouth 12 hours after my last cigerette, plus my coughing.
On thanksgiving, our whole family came to the hospital and we had dinner there together. My ex was with us and I could really smell him, smoke mixed with old beer. I thought, I hope they can't smell me. When I got home to my secret smoking cave, I lit up. It made me feel tired and weak. So I stood up and ran water in the pack. 4th time this month, trully. So please send me some prayers. I don't feel good anymore and I really want to be healthy for my new grandaughter.
Thanks
A bit better
Today I would have spent another day in bed or inside the apartment if a friend hadn't called me up with a little job to do. Just some sign painting, no big deal. The work was unexciting but I scratched out a quick little painting of a girl emerging from a leafy background wearing blossoms around her neck and shoulders, while I was waiting for the sign to dry. It felt good. I had a decent day- the first on in awhile due to several vexing factors. And soon this week I will be able to see my aunt, the only person in my family who has ever cared for me and not abused me in some way. (Siblings excluded, becasue ummm.. it's what we do) She means so much to me.
Just Gotta Get it Out….
Today I read a Thanksgiving card from my sister. (I'm the youngest of five girls). She wrote that Thanksgiving always makes her think of our parents because they loved it so much. It causes me to think of them as well. :thank1
Thanksgiving was my mother's favorite holiday because it was the least commercialized, among other reasons. Usually we would go to my Aunts house. I would anticipate it but I always knew that the grown-ups would be roaring drunk by that evening.
Anyway, I eagerly began to read my mother's letter to my sister which included her delicious stuffing recipe as well as how to cook a turkey.
The letter was dated 10/84 which is after I had graduated high school in June, 1984. I was homeless during the months of May and June because my mother had lost her job. By July 1, 1984 - I had an apartment and a job to support my mother. I was grimly proud of this. Didn't this prove I was a 'good girl'?
I'm sure I was a difficult child. I know that I gave my mother a hard time and that she never really liked me. Oh I know she loved me, but she never liked me. Ironically it is how I feel about my sisters right now.
In this seven page letter from October 1984, my mother details how to cook a turkey and make the stuffing. She goes on and on about two sisters who lived close and how they are always helping her and "good kids". She goes on about the recipient sister's life in TX. She writes extensively about my other sister who was in the Navy at that time and going through a divorce.
The only time she mentions me is to say that we're going to the Aunt's for Thanksgiving.
None of this is a surprise to me. I fully realize that I was not her favorite child. She always favored my older sisters.
But WOW, does it hurt. Not one single word about me while I was busting my ass to support her. I was 18 and had just graduated high school!!!
*Sighs heavily* I realize that she certainly mentioned me in other letters to my sisters (not that I'd want to read what she wrote, probably).
But.....ouch. It really hurts my heart. :banghead:
I sat down so eager to read my mother's Thanksgiving recipes but now, I think I'll just start my own traditions.
My sisters do not understand any of how I feel when I attempt to discuss it because they are too involved in it with their own feelings. They just think of me as the 'spoiled brat', which admittedly, I was before my father died in 1976. He and I were very close.
After he died, though, and I emerged from the shock of his loss, I tried desperately to reach out to my mother. I figured in my childish mind that she and I had loved Dad best so no one could really understand the loss like she and I could.
She wanted nothing to do with my overtures. She took her solace in the bottle. I took my solace in hiding and building emotional walls.
Damn. Why should this hurt so much still?
I need to forgive my mother anew, of course. She was doing the best she could at the time.
I hope God will grant me the grace to forgive her and to face my sisters on Thanksgiving Day. Thank you, Dear Friends, for reading thus far.:sorry
Thanksgiving was my mother's favorite holiday because it was the least commercialized, among other reasons. Usually we would go to my Aunts house. I would anticipate it but I always knew that the grown-ups would be roaring drunk by that evening.
Anyway, I eagerly began to read my mother's letter to my sister which included her delicious stuffing recipe as well as how to cook a turkey.
The letter was dated 10/84 which is after I had graduated high school in June, 1984. I was homeless during the months of May and June because my mother had lost her job. By July 1, 1984 - I had an apartment and a job to support my mother. I was grimly proud of this. Didn't this prove I was a 'good girl'?
I'm sure I was a difficult child. I know that I gave my mother a hard time and that she never really liked me. Oh I know she loved me, but she never liked me. Ironically it is how I feel about my sisters right now.
In this seven page letter from October 1984, my mother details how to cook a turkey and make the stuffing. She goes on and on about two sisters who lived close and how they are always helping her and "good kids". She goes on about the recipient sister's life in TX. She writes extensively about my other sister who was in the Navy at that time and going through a divorce.
The only time she mentions me is to say that we're going to the Aunt's for Thanksgiving.
None of this is a surprise to me. I fully realize that I was not her favorite child. She always favored my older sisters.
But WOW, does it hurt. Not one single word about me while I was busting my ass to support her. I was 18 and had just graduated high school!!!
*Sighs heavily* I realize that she certainly mentioned me in other letters to my sisters (not that I'd want to read what she wrote, probably).
But.....ouch. It really hurts my heart. :banghead:
I sat down so eager to read my mother's Thanksgiving recipes but now, I think I'll just start my own traditions.
My sisters do not understand any of how I feel when I attempt to discuss it because they are too involved in it with their own feelings. They just think of me as the 'spoiled brat', which admittedly, I was before my father died in 1976. He and I were very close.
After he died, though, and I emerged from the shock of his loss, I tried desperately to reach out to my mother. I figured in my childish mind that she and I had loved Dad best so no one could really understand the loss like she and I could.
She wanted nothing to do with my overtures. She took her solace in the bottle. I took my solace in hiding and building emotional walls.
Damn. Why should this hurt so much still?
I need to forgive my mother anew, of course. She was doing the best she could at the time.
I hope God will grant me the grace to forgive her and to face my sisters on Thanksgiving Day. Thank you, Dear Friends, for reading thus far.:sorry
love the person, hate the disease
he is gone.
he abused me very specifically physically four times. i took out one incident report after the second time and after the fourth time i had him arrested. he had me arrested also. said i hit him in the head with with a plate, which i did not do. there was no plate within reach.
my charge is a felony, his is a misdeamor. he bloodied my nose. they say he showed evidence of a lump, but several weeks ago he slammed into a stop sign on his bike and there you go. my nose is still sore. he may be dead. or with another woman. i hear he has a new female drinking buddy.
so we were both arrested. i spent the night in jail. not so bad for a female as there are fewer females in jail than males. i had a quiet night of sleep then he offered to drop the charges and i refused. now we go to court dec. 15. so now we have a restraining order, no contact within one hundred yards of one another. i have changed the locks. he is unemployed. the cops brought him back to our apartment to get his stuff but all he took was two coats. i am afraid he took a swim in the ocean and is gone foreever. he is disturbed mentally, screaming at me, his mother, his sister, and busted his friends tv. he is a mess. i work full time and realized he was drinking a lot but not at eight a.m............wow.
my leasing agent consulted with her attorney and now that there is a restraining order the locks can be changed legally even though he is on the lease. so i am safe. he must be distraught, and gone..........
i am feeling forlorn at times, worried sick because he is in bad health and i am strong and healty with a good job. the DV police are checking on me frequently. i welcome their presence.
what worries me is that he lost his cell phone. i have the pass word to check his messages. i have not listened to them, but i have been able to determine that he is not checking. which makes me think he took a swim in the ocean. he is in pain from scoliosis and collapsed lungs and ready to give up. what can i do? nothing. he should at least be checking his mgs. remotely, it is easy to do.
please pray for him, more than me. he has lost so much more than me in this life. i have money, a job, and shelter. he doesn't even have a change of underwear. it's cold outside and he had a fourteen inch steel rod in his back from the scoliosis, which torments him with chills and pain. at least he says. i still have my warm bed and my loving cat, food in the fridge, electricity, heat and cash. i hope he is with this other woman, without jealousy or anger, as long as he is alive and safe and warm. after a while she will get the same abuse as i did, but for the time being, perhaps he is safe.
i wish you all the best, i know you all are struggling too, and together we can support one another.
kind regards,
shannon
he abused me very specifically physically four times. i took out one incident report after the second time and after the fourth time i had him arrested. he had me arrested also. said i hit him in the head with with a plate, which i did not do. there was no plate within reach.
my charge is a felony, his is a misdeamor. he bloodied my nose. they say he showed evidence of a lump, but several weeks ago he slammed into a stop sign on his bike and there you go. my nose is still sore. he may be dead. or with another woman. i hear he has a new female drinking buddy.
so we were both arrested. i spent the night in jail. not so bad for a female as there are fewer females in jail than males. i had a quiet night of sleep then he offered to drop the charges and i refused. now we go to court dec. 15. so now we have a restraining order, no contact within one hundred yards of one another. i have changed the locks. he is unemployed. the cops brought him back to our apartment to get his stuff but all he took was two coats. i am afraid he took a swim in the ocean and is gone foreever. he is disturbed mentally, screaming at me, his mother, his sister, and busted his friends tv. he is a mess. i work full time and realized he was drinking a lot but not at eight a.m............wow.
my leasing agent consulted with her attorney and now that there is a restraining order the locks can be changed legally even though he is on the lease. so i am safe. he must be distraught, and gone..........
i am feeling forlorn at times, worried sick because he is in bad health and i am strong and healty with a good job. the DV police are checking on me frequently. i welcome their presence.
what worries me is that he lost his cell phone. i have the pass word to check his messages. i have not listened to them, but i have been able to determine that he is not checking. which makes me think he took a swim in the ocean. he is in pain from scoliosis and collapsed lungs and ready to give up. what can i do? nothing. he should at least be checking his mgs. remotely, it is easy to do.
please pray for him, more than me. he has lost so much more than me in this life. i have money, a job, and shelter. he doesn't even have a change of underwear. it's cold outside and he had a fourteen inch steel rod in his back from the scoliosis, which torments him with chills and pain. at least he says. i still have my warm bed and my loving cat, food in the fridge, electricity, heat and cash. i hope he is with this other woman, without jealousy or anger, as long as he is alive and safe and warm. after a while she will get the same abuse as i did, but for the time being, perhaps he is safe.
i wish you all the best, i know you all are struggling too, and together we can support one another.
kind regards,
shannon
