Archive for the ‘Appearance’ tag
Day 7
I quit drinking 7 days ago.... I am excited to make it to here, but I knew I could make it this far.
This is where it is going to get hard for me. I am on a snowboarding tour and all the athletes will start to come in next week; therefore, a bunch of parties will be thrown and free alcohol will be supplied.
I know that NOT going is NOT an option because I have to make an appearance... that is just how the industry is.
I was thinking that I might write 12.6.08 on my hand and look at it to remind me to stay strong... those types of things help me for some reason.
I have been working out and eating right too, which has made me feel even better about being sober. When I am drinking, I eat horribly and I am too hung over to get to the gym.
I CAN DO THIS, I CAN DO THIS, I HAVE TO DO THIS.
Love Yourself.
Know Yourself.
Be Yourself.
LIVE.
Love life.
bdc
This is where it is going to get hard for me. I am on a snowboarding tour and all the athletes will start to come in next week; therefore, a bunch of parties will be thrown and free alcohol will be supplied.
I know that NOT going is NOT an option because I have to make an appearance... that is just how the industry is.
I was thinking that I might write 12.6.08 on my hand and look at it to remind me to stay strong... those types of things help me for some reason.
I have been working out and eating right too, which has made me feel even better about being sober. When I am drinking, I eat horribly and I am too hung over to get to the gym.
I CAN DO THIS, I CAN DO THIS, I HAVE TO DO THIS.
Love Yourself.
Know Yourself.
Be Yourself.
LIVE.
Love life.
bdc
Another post from Christin for any who dare
I?m back because you guys were so non-judgmental with my first post. I think that I have the courage to post another, if you don't mind. I?m sorry that my posts will be all about me and that you will only get to see the crap side of Christin. I just need a place where I don?t need to be the encouraging, wise, and together one. Hope that?s okay.
I?m still trying to figure out why I decided to post on a sobriety site. Maybe, deep down I want someone to tell me (no, better put CONVINCE me) that the highs that I remember were never that great so that the desire I feel might just go away for good. I don't know if I can be convinced because a part of me doesn't want to be convinced. It's comforting (in a turmoiling kind of a way) to believe that they were that good, even though I know that I could never again know it. Maybe I'm posting here just because I want a place where I can confess these things that I?ve struggled with on and off all my adult life but have never told to anyone. I hate the way that I feel inside right now. But, I don?t feel like I?m in a place to make it all go away. I appreciate the suggestions for counseling. Am I the only one who doesn't benefit from counseling? Please... it's face to face, guys. I've got an image to maintain. It's not some whim of an image. It's what makes me who I am and who everyone knows me to be. It's the one constant that has kept me from screwing my life up royally and has enabled me not to drink for 20 years and not get high for an equal many years. It's been my blessing in disguise.
Confession time. My eighteen-year-old is drinking heavily and smoking weed. I?ve ?known? it for about a year, but he?s denied it of course. However, an appearance ticket arrived in the mail this past week. I am angry because of the choices that he is making and I worry for him because he is so much like me (but I tried so hard to be a good mother ? how could he be so broken inside?). He has abundant opportunities to score, which I never had. That is really scarey! That?s not my confession, though. God forgive me and please don?t loathe me as I admit something really pathetic. I?m jealous (that admission will make pushing the post button way hard!). I?m envious of society excusing youthful impetuousness and I begrudge the fact that my son is able to do what I struggle against because he has an excuse that is denied to me. Like I said, pathetic.
Please don?t lambaste me, even though I deserve it. I already have the encouraging, wise, and together Christin saying, ?Snap out of it! My God, you?re posting to a site comprised of people who would love to be in your shoes. Besides, it?s all in your head.? I even know that she?s right and I'm so sorry to all of you who have lived a hell that I have not had to suffer. I wish that I were stronger and that what I feel didn't eat away at my soul. I know that I?ll be able to repress everything and, eventually, I will get to the place where everything will seem balanced again.
Because that is not today, I thank you for the ?company? this Thanksgiving. Even though I?m typing this in bits and pieces on an off-line computer to post when I can get alone on the online one and you have no idea who I am, I feel less alone today as I prepare to feed twenty for Thanksgiving of which I?ll be the most together one, or so everyone thinks because they have to think that, they count on me to be. Again, thanks for listening and for ?keeping company? that part of me that is always alone regardless of how many are around.
I?m still trying to figure out why I decided to post on a sobriety site. Maybe, deep down I want someone to tell me (no, better put CONVINCE me) that the highs that I remember were never that great so that the desire I feel might just go away for good. I don't know if I can be convinced because a part of me doesn't want to be convinced. It's comforting (in a turmoiling kind of a way) to believe that they were that good, even though I know that I could never again know it. Maybe I'm posting here just because I want a place where I can confess these things that I?ve struggled with on and off all my adult life but have never told to anyone. I hate the way that I feel inside right now. But, I don?t feel like I?m in a place to make it all go away. I appreciate the suggestions for counseling. Am I the only one who doesn't benefit from counseling? Please... it's face to face, guys. I've got an image to maintain. It's not some whim of an image. It's what makes me who I am and who everyone knows me to be. It's the one constant that has kept me from screwing my life up royally and has enabled me not to drink for 20 years and not get high for an equal many years. It's been my blessing in disguise.
Confession time. My eighteen-year-old is drinking heavily and smoking weed. I?ve ?known? it for about a year, but he?s denied it of course. However, an appearance ticket arrived in the mail this past week. I am angry because of the choices that he is making and I worry for him because he is so much like me (but I tried so hard to be a good mother ? how could he be so broken inside?). He has abundant opportunities to score, which I never had. That is really scarey! That?s not my confession, though. God forgive me and please don?t loathe me as I admit something really pathetic. I?m jealous (that admission will make pushing the post button way hard!). I?m envious of society excusing youthful impetuousness and I begrudge the fact that my son is able to do what I struggle against because he has an excuse that is denied to me. Like I said, pathetic.
Please don?t lambaste me, even though I deserve it. I already have the encouraging, wise, and together Christin saying, ?Snap out of it! My God, you?re posting to a site comprised of people who would love to be in your shoes. Besides, it?s all in your head.? I even know that she?s right and I'm so sorry to all of you who have lived a hell that I have not had to suffer. I wish that I were stronger and that what I feel didn't eat away at my soul. I know that I?ll be able to repress everything and, eventually, I will get to the place where everything will seem balanced again.
Because that is not today, I thank you for the ?company? this Thanksgiving. Even though I?m typing this in bits and pieces on an off-line computer to post when I can get alone on the online one and you have no idea who I am, I feel less alone today as I prepare to feed twenty for Thanksgiving of which I?ll be the most together one, or so everyone thinks because they have to think that, they count on me to be. Again, thanks for listening and for ?keeping company? that part of me that is always alone regardless of how many are around.
gave in
I gave up, after numerous freebie, craving-free weeks. This past week the cravings hit full force, though, and tonight I didn't resist at all.
Long story short: After I drank at the party, I sat down on a curve, and held my head in my hands. I saw this image of myself, asking me: "So it's just you and me now. Are you willing to do it?"
I'm used to effortlessness. Right now, I don't have a job, I'm barely keeping up with my long overdue classes, taking a colourful variety of meds that supposedly consolidate my mental health and sobriety, I'm hooked on cigarettes that fill a void, and basically take everything for granted, including my family and friends. When I decided to get sober for good 15 weeks ago, I had no cravings whatsoever, so I just coasted along with a relieved smile. That's the way things tend to be in my life: simply handed to me, implying no hard work whatsoever.
When I was a kid, my Grandmother used to say that I could charm the devil into doing whatever I pleased. That comment is obviously untrue, but it's not quite off the mark either. It set the stage for the way my life would be like, at least in appearance: seemingly sunny, filled with silver spoons, and requiring no effort. At all. So, yup, I'm just a Self-injuring martyr, now ignore those goddamn clouds... How's that for a martyr statement!
There is one thing - maybe the only thing - I'm proud of: I have tried my very best to never, ever, hurt anyone. Except for one notable exception, this is something I have excelled at. It's not that I try to be a "good person" or some other half assed notion along those lines. It's just the way I am. But:
I have hurt others unintentionally.
And I've also hurt myself.
What am I going to do differently this time around?
Well... ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING.
... there is a bigger picture, right? :(
Long story short: After I drank at the party, I sat down on a curve, and held my head in my hands. I saw this image of myself, asking me: "So it's just you and me now. Are you willing to do it?"
I'm used to effortlessness. Right now, I don't have a job, I'm barely keeping up with my long overdue classes, taking a colourful variety of meds that supposedly consolidate my mental health and sobriety, I'm hooked on cigarettes that fill a void, and basically take everything for granted, including my family and friends. When I decided to get sober for good 15 weeks ago, I had no cravings whatsoever, so I just coasted along with a relieved smile. That's the way things tend to be in my life: simply handed to me, implying no hard work whatsoever.
When I was a kid, my Grandmother used to say that I could charm the devil into doing whatever I pleased. That comment is obviously untrue, but it's not quite off the mark either. It set the stage for the way my life would be like, at least in appearance: seemingly sunny, filled with silver spoons, and requiring no effort. At all. So, yup, I'm just a Self-injuring martyr, now ignore those goddamn clouds... How's that for a martyr statement!
There is one thing - maybe the only thing - I'm proud of: I have tried my very best to never, ever, hurt anyone. Except for one notable exception, this is something I have excelled at. It's not that I try to be a "good person" or some other half assed notion along those lines. It's just the way I am. But:
maybe it's time to challenge that notion as well.
I have hurt others unintentionally.
And I've also hurt myself.
What am I going to do differently this time around?
Well... ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING.
... there is a bigger picture, right? :(
New here
I am a 35 year old mother of two (3 yrs and 5 months) with a wonderful husband. I am not addicted to alcohol, I don't think, but I have been drinking more often and larger amounts than I should for the past 5 months since my baby was born. I usually do ok during the week but my trigger is the weekend, for some reason. My hubby and I will buy a bottle of vodka or rum and usually drink it all in one or two nights. Not sure the size of the bottle, second from largest. He will have a few cocktails but it's mostly me who drinks. I can't seem to have just a few drinks. I don't realize how drunk I am until it is too late and I stop drinking or pass out. I do have times where I don't remember the second half of my night, which obviously bothers me. I have 2 beautiful girls who need me and I feel like I am being selfish and unfair. I don't understand why I have to drink in excess. I have about 20 pounds to lose and since I am breastfeeding, I know that it would come off if I stopped drinking or drinking as much because I must consume 1000's of extra calories a week from alcohol. I am fat because I drink and I drink because I'm fat. I am very unhappy with my appearance and I know it would improve if I didn't consume yet I continue to make the choice to drink lots on the weekends. I also think that as a stay at home mom I am a little bored since I rarely get out and have "me" time. Getting buzzed or drunk is my time out, my activity I guess. Am I crazy? Does anyone relate or am I out of control? I feel so guilty, like a bad mom. I have even breastfed right after drinking. I know it's bad, but I did it anyway. What's wrong with me???!!
Final Confrontation with the now Ex Husband
My that felt good just writing that statement!
Hi everyone, I wanted to post an update and let you all know where I am. I picked up my furniture on Tuesday from my girlfriends apt. My ex lives in the same building.
Seems he has been introducing his new female friend to my friends in the building. That didn't take long - 3 weeks! Also found out that this is the same woman he had had an affair with 15 years ago. Makes me wonder just how long it's been going on.
Well I decided to confront him not only with this knowledge but also to tell him how I felt, when I said "goodbye I'm leaving" it was written.
It felt very good to stand up to him and tell him (clearly, quietly, unemotionally, without tears) that I was hurt and angry at him and myself for believing all the lies and deception for so many years. I also told him that I am working thru this anger, letting it go and letting him go. I told him that he did me a huge favor by showing thru his actions what type of person he is - an active alcoholic. I wished him good luck and walked away.
It was so empowering, all these years and I have never spoken to him directly about this, yep that elephant in the living room!
I was somewhat shocked at his appearance, he looks exactly like a stereotype alkie looks like, dirty and smelly. Throughout the conversation, he never said a word, wouldn't look at me directly, didn't say a word until the end when he said, thanks for dropping in. And this is the man I loved and gave up so much for. This is the man that even after all he has done to me (I allowed this) I still had feelings for him, the fantasy. Wow I saw the reality that day.
I shouldn't be surprised though. Anyway, I've given this up and over and feeling much better.
I'm very grateful for everything that has been happening these past few weeks. Yes I've had some down time, some tears, some fears but mostly the feeling of freedom. I am responsible now for myself, for my life, for my feelings. I'm doing this one step at a time and learning more and more each day.
Thank you for being here for me, have a great day and talk/read from you soon - K.
Hi everyone, I wanted to post an update and let you all know where I am. I picked up my furniture on Tuesday from my girlfriends apt. My ex lives in the same building.
Seems he has been introducing his new female friend to my friends in the building. That didn't take long - 3 weeks! Also found out that this is the same woman he had had an affair with 15 years ago. Makes me wonder just how long it's been going on.
Well I decided to confront him not only with this knowledge but also to tell him how I felt, when I said "goodbye I'm leaving" it was written.
It felt very good to stand up to him and tell him (clearly, quietly, unemotionally, without tears) that I was hurt and angry at him and myself for believing all the lies and deception for so many years. I also told him that I am working thru this anger, letting it go and letting him go. I told him that he did me a huge favor by showing thru his actions what type of person he is - an active alcoholic. I wished him good luck and walked away.
It was so empowering, all these years and I have never spoken to him directly about this, yep that elephant in the living room!
I was somewhat shocked at his appearance, he looks exactly like a stereotype alkie looks like, dirty and smelly. Throughout the conversation, he never said a word, wouldn't look at me directly, didn't say a word until the end when he said, thanks for dropping in. And this is the man I loved and gave up so much for. This is the man that even after all he has done to me (I allowed this) I still had feelings for him, the fantasy. Wow I saw the reality that day.
I shouldn't be surprised though. Anyway, I've given this up and over and feeling much better.
I'm very grateful for everything that has been happening these past few weeks. Yes I've had some down time, some tears, some fears but mostly the feeling of freedom. I am responsible now for myself, for my life, for my feelings. I'm doing this one step at a time and learning more and more each day.
Thank you for being here for me, have a great day and talk/read from you soon - K.
in need of some help…
I do apologize if this is strictly a forum for recovering substance abusers... I have come to the point where I can't live like this anymore... Maybe someone can relate to me and give me some feedback
I'm 28... and I've been an alcoholic on and off for 5 years...
I work as a manager in customer service (GREAT JOB), Im friendly, nice, very personable, attractive (VERY MODESTLY) and most of the time I have a smile on my face. (I dont drink at work) I have a great sense of humor and can laugh at anything, mostly myself. The people I work with are like my family which is a blessing now a days. I have a great family that would do anything for me at anytime... I am lucky to have good people in my life as well as a good family... I couldn't ask for more... but...
I'm an alcoholic... I've stopped a few times with in the 5 years but not long...
I've lost everything in a sense... who i am, interests... I was thinking about it today... I dont enjoy life anymore and all I think about is going home to drink! My life has gone to the bottle... Some days I dont even remember things... thats not me... but for some reason I drink till I cant function...alone...I am a completely different person when I drink... an awful person... not like the average who can have a drink and get giddy and lovey... i get nasty and angry... which is not me...
I used to love the person and my appearance... I'm a mess... from drinking so much...
I wake up EVERY morning and hate who I am, but yet I still have a loving boy friend who loves me and wakes up to me smelling like stale booze...ugh
I say to myself everyday that I wake up that this is the day... this is the day that Im not goin to drink anymore... but yet... i continue.
I'm dying
I'm 28... and I've been an alcoholic on and off for 5 years...
I work as a manager in customer service (GREAT JOB), Im friendly, nice, very personable, attractive (VERY MODESTLY) and most of the time I have a smile on my face. (I dont drink at work) I have a great sense of humor and can laugh at anything, mostly myself. The people I work with are like my family which is a blessing now a days. I have a great family that would do anything for me at anytime... I am lucky to have good people in my life as well as a good family... I couldn't ask for more... but...
I'm an alcoholic... I've stopped a few times with in the 5 years but not long...
I've lost everything in a sense... who i am, interests... I was thinking about it today... I dont enjoy life anymore and all I think about is going home to drink! My life has gone to the bottle... Some days I dont even remember things... thats not me... but for some reason I drink till I cant function...alone...I am a completely different person when I drink... an awful person... not like the average who can have a drink and get giddy and lovey... i get nasty and angry... which is not me...
I used to love the person and my appearance... I'm a mess... from drinking so much...
I wake up EVERY morning and hate who I am, but yet I still have a loving boy friend who loves me and wakes up to me smelling like stale booze...ugh
I say to myself everyday that I wake up that this is the day... this is the day that Im not goin to drink anymore... but yet... i continue.
I'm dying
in need of some help…
I do apologize if this is strictly a forum for recovering substance abusers... I have come to the point where I can't live like this anymore... Maybe someone can relate to me and give me some feedback
I'm 28... and I've been an alcoholic on and off for 5 years...
I work as a manager in customer service (GREAT JOB), Im friendly, nice, very personable, attractive (VERY MODESTLY) and most of the time I have a smile on my face. (I dont drink at work) I have a great sense of humor and can laugh at anything, mostly myself. The people I work with are like my family which is a blessing now a days. I have a great family that would do anything for me at anytime... I am lucky to have good people in my life as well as a good family... I couldn't ask for more... but...
I'm an alcoholic... I've stopped a few times with in the 5 years but not long...
I've lost everything in a sense... who i am, interests... I was thinking about it today... I dont enjoy life anymore and all I think about is going home to drink! My life has gone to the bottle... Some days I dont even remember things... thats not me... but for some reason I drink till I cant function...alone...I am a completely different person when I drink... an awful person... not like the average who can have a drink and get giddy and lovey... i get nasty and angry... which is not me...
I used to love the person and my appearance... I'm a mess... from drinking so much...
I wake up EVERY morning and hate who I am, but yet I still have a loving boy friend who loves me and wakes up to me smelling like stale booze...ugh
I say to myself everyday that I wake up that this is the day... this is the day that Im not goin to drink anymore... but yet... i continue.
I'm dying
I'm 28... and I've been an alcoholic on and off for 5 years...
I work as a manager in customer service (GREAT JOB), Im friendly, nice, very personable, attractive (VERY MODESTLY) and most of the time I have a smile on my face. (I dont drink at work) I have a great sense of humor and can laugh at anything, mostly myself. The people I work with are like my family which is a blessing now a days. I have a great family that would do anything for me at anytime... I am lucky to have good people in my life as well as a good family... I couldn't ask for more... but...
I'm an alcoholic... I've stopped a few times with in the 5 years but not long...
I've lost everything in a sense... who i am, interests... I was thinking about it today... I dont enjoy life anymore and all I think about is going home to drink! My life has gone to the bottle... Some days I dont even remember things... thats not me... but for some reason I drink till I cant function...alone...I am a completely different person when I drink... an awful person... not like the average who can have a drink and get giddy and lovey... i get nasty and angry... which is not me...
I used to love the person and my appearance... I'm a mess... from drinking so much...
I wake up EVERY morning and hate who I am, but yet I still have a loving boy friend who loves me and wakes up to me smelling like stale booze...ugh
I say to myself everyday that I wake up that this is the day... this is the day that Im not goin to drink anymore... but yet... i continue.
I'm dying
Courage to Change ~ August 23 ~ Making Mistakes
Courage to Change ODAT in Al-Anon II 8/23
I developed a tremendous fear of making mistakes. It seemed crucial to cover every possible outcome, because mistakes often led to an avalanche of accusations and abuse from the alcoholic—and eventually from myself. My self-esteem diminished because the slightest error felt huge and I couldn’t let it go. So I began to cover up and rationalize my mistakes, all the while desperately trying to maintain an appearance of perfect self-control.
In Al-Anon I learned to take down that rigid wall of seeming perfection, to honestly admit mistakes, and to open myself for growth. Step Ten, in which I continue taking my inventory and promptly admit when I am wrong, has been liberating because it challenges me daily to be honest. Sometimes it makes me squirm, but I know that when I tell the truth, I am free of the lies that held me back. As Mark Twain put it, “If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.”
TodayÂ’s Reminder
I will probably make a mistake of some sort every day of my life. If I view this as a personal failing or pretend that no mistakes have occurred, I make my life unmanageable. When I stop struggling to be perfect and admit when I am wrong, I can let go of guilt and shame. That is cause for rejoicing.
“Help them to take failure, not as a measure of their worth, but as a chance for a new start.”
Book of Common Prayer
I developed a tremendous fear of making mistakes. It seemed crucial to cover every possible outcome, because mistakes often led to an avalanche of accusations and abuse from the alcoholic—and eventually from myself. My self-esteem diminished because the slightest error felt huge and I couldn’t let it go. So I began to cover up and rationalize my mistakes, all the while desperately trying to maintain an appearance of perfect self-control.
In Al-Anon I learned to take down that rigid wall of seeming perfection, to honestly admit mistakes, and to open myself for growth. Step Ten, in which I continue taking my inventory and promptly admit when I am wrong, has been liberating because it challenges me daily to be honest. Sometimes it makes me squirm, but I know that when I tell the truth, I am free of the lies that held me back. As Mark Twain put it, “If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.”
TodayÂ’s Reminder
I will probably make a mistake of some sort every day of my life. If I view this as a personal failing or pretend that no mistakes have occurred, I make my life unmanageable. When I stop struggling to be perfect and admit when I am wrong, I can let go of guilt and shame. That is cause for rejoicing.
“Help them to take failure, not as a measure of their worth, but as a chance for a new start.”
Book of Common Prayer
