Archive for the ‘Arse’ tag
Well …………………..
........... that was different and pretty good.
Christmas Day spent sober, probably the first time I've done that as an adult.
Not that I really count myself as a proper adult but you know what I mean.
Kids had a great time, reckon I had them lots more presents this year, probably had more to spend what with me not wasting money on drink.
Spent the day eating and playing with the kids, lit some fireworks, played family games, played with the Wii we got for Xmas before watching the late repeat of Coronation St and more chocolate.
No sneaking about for extra drinks, no drunkenly spilling things and making an arse of myself.
Wake up this morning fresh, can drive the car no problems, another hurdle out of the way.
Wasn't really a hurdle when it came to it, offered and poured wine for others, just didn't drink any myself.
New Year to come now, we're away in Ireland for the week, I'd be lying if I said I'm not a little bit worried about being tempted to drink, I'm fairly confident I can do this though, I like the way things are going just now too much to go back to all the misery drinking was giving me.
Happy New Year Everyone
Christmas Day spent sober, probably the first time I've done that as an adult.
Not that I really count myself as a proper adult but you know what I mean.
Kids had a great time, reckon I had them lots more presents this year, probably had more to spend what with me not wasting money on drink.
Spent the day eating and playing with the kids, lit some fireworks, played family games, played with the Wii we got for Xmas before watching the late repeat of Coronation St and more chocolate.
No sneaking about for extra drinks, no drunkenly spilling things and making an arse of myself.
Wake up this morning fresh, can drive the car no problems, another hurdle out of the way.
Wasn't really a hurdle when it came to it, offered and poured wine for others, just didn't drink any myself.
New Year to come now, we're away in Ireland for the week, I'd be lying if I said I'm not a little bit worried about being tempted to drink, I'm fairly confident I can do this though, I like the way things are going just now too much to go back to all the misery drinking was giving me.
Happy New Year Everyone
Needing some support….
Hi guys..... boy .... I was doing so well..... and now I'm sorry to report that I'm not. My controlling ways have gotten the best of me and I'm feeling pain and remorse.
Well - as you know I started my new job. It's wonderful - and it keeps me very busy - but I've found that the distraction has totally bit me in the arse. I saw it coming..... I saw that it was just another one of my "quick fixes".
What was also helping was my being in control of his xanax and it's a good thing I was too...... for the first time he had the xanax script last him LONGER than the month prescribed AND it also gave me peace of mind that he wasn't abusing. Also - I was monitoring his subutex.... and to see how he was acting in regards to how much he was taking. Well tonight - all of that has come to a screeching hault..... he wants me to not have anything to do with it.... and wants his free reign over these medications. I am feeling so uneasy about this and I'm furious. But of course - due to my recovery - I know what I am mostly furious about is the fact that I am furious that I have lost control over his dosing schedule.
Honestly - I feel like I have been completely side swiped! But why? It's not like I should really be surprised! He has also been terribly depressed because of circumstances pertaining to his life..... and has been saddened because I'm gone all hours of the day now. He has also complained about being with the children every day after school. Well - to be honest - I think it's best for my peace of mind that he isn't looking after them anyway. The guilt I would feel if he were high or had the stuff around them when I especially wasn't home is un-real....... and obviously - I can't trust him to not be.......... which just brings me to my next point.
Just what am I doing holding out or making the best of whats around with someone I don't trust? For the most part - things are good with us - but then the boat gets rocked - I begin to feel un-settled and I get so much doubt.
He actually threw my codie recovery at me AGAIN today....... saying for me to do what I'm taught in al-anon and here which is to not give power to his choices and addiction. UUUGGGGH!! He was saying this because I was so upset about taking away my control over his scripts. First off.... I didn't even control his subutex..... but I did monitor it and count pills and ask him about how much he took in the day! Again - another quick fix- and another thing for me to focus on other than myself! But it made me feel better - it made it feel like I was helping him.... helping both of us - because I felt better. Turns out - it has been upsetting him. And obviously I think that he just wants to take this away from me because he is of addict mindset.
Please send me vibes folks - I'm not feeling settled - I'm feeling scared and unsure YET again. Just when things are going so strong for me I find myself going back a couple steps and just feeling so heavy and at times angry with it all.
How can I love him so much.... feel so sad about not having him in my life - yet not be able to fully trust him and feel so much anger and frustration?
How I want to be able to work on myself while staying with him - locking arms and getting through this together ------- to not give up on us....... to focus on the positive.
Take me back to where I was a few weeks ago- a feeling of empowerment.... a feeling of keeping my emotions in check. NOT giving power to anything being able to penetrate me. Staying in my own zone ..... not allowing for guilt or blame towards me to play a role in my self discovery/self worth.
I want to believe that we can do this - we can make it work - that he is going to get his recovery back in order..... etc. etc. But tonight I'm thinking that I just might be wishing upon an empty star.
I don't know what else to say - I just find that coming to terms with things by looking at my own personal character defects helps me put things into perspective - as I'm the only one I can control after all.
xoxoxox
Well - as you know I started my new job. It's wonderful - and it keeps me very busy - but I've found that the distraction has totally bit me in the arse. I saw it coming..... I saw that it was just another one of my "quick fixes".
What was also helping was my being in control of his xanax and it's a good thing I was too...... for the first time he had the xanax script last him LONGER than the month prescribed AND it also gave me peace of mind that he wasn't abusing. Also - I was monitoring his subutex.... and to see how he was acting in regards to how much he was taking. Well tonight - all of that has come to a screeching hault..... he wants me to not have anything to do with it.... and wants his free reign over these medications. I am feeling so uneasy about this and I'm furious. But of course - due to my recovery - I know what I am mostly furious about is the fact that I am furious that I have lost control over his dosing schedule.
Honestly - I feel like I have been completely side swiped! But why? It's not like I should really be surprised! He has also been terribly depressed because of circumstances pertaining to his life..... and has been saddened because I'm gone all hours of the day now. He has also complained about being with the children every day after school. Well - to be honest - I think it's best for my peace of mind that he isn't looking after them anyway. The guilt I would feel if he were high or had the stuff around them when I especially wasn't home is un-real....... and obviously - I can't trust him to not be.......... which just brings me to my next point.
Just what am I doing holding out or making the best of whats around with someone I don't trust? For the most part - things are good with us - but then the boat gets rocked - I begin to feel un-settled and I get so much doubt.
He actually threw my codie recovery at me AGAIN today....... saying for me to do what I'm taught in al-anon and here which is to not give power to his choices and addiction. UUUGGGGH!! He was saying this because I was so upset about taking away my control over his scripts. First off.... I didn't even control his subutex..... but I did monitor it and count pills and ask him about how much he took in the day! Again - another quick fix- and another thing for me to focus on other than myself! But it made me feel better - it made it feel like I was helping him.... helping both of us - because I felt better. Turns out - it has been upsetting him. And obviously I think that he just wants to take this away from me because he is of addict mindset.
Please send me vibes folks - I'm not feeling settled - I'm feeling scared and unsure YET again. Just when things are going so strong for me I find myself going back a couple steps and just feeling so heavy and at times angry with it all.
How can I love him so much.... feel so sad about not having him in my life - yet not be able to fully trust him and feel so much anger and frustration?
How I want to be able to work on myself while staying with him - locking arms and getting through this together ------- to not give up on us....... to focus on the positive.
Take me back to where I was a few weeks ago- a feeling of empowerment.... a feeling of keeping my emotions in check. NOT giving power to anything being able to penetrate me. Staying in my own zone ..... not allowing for guilt or blame towards me to play a role in my self discovery/self worth.
I want to believe that we can do this - we can make it work - that he is going to get his recovery back in order..... etc. etc. But tonight I'm thinking that I just might be wishing upon an empty star.
I don't know what else to say - I just find that coming to terms with things by looking at my own personal character defects helps me put things into perspective - as I'm the only one I can control after all.
xoxoxox
Spending a weekend half-drunk
Alcoholism is present on both sides of my family. I've had a tendency to drink too much at once since I was 18, but those times were few and far between.
Now, like many here, I am seeking help and a way to get out of this hell.
I won't go into thembarassing things I've done,.....but I would like to tell you how I got here, noting that I'm not excusing myself, but explaining how alcohol became a crutch.
About 8 years ago, my job became increasinglt stressful, my boss increasingly a power hungry arse. I started to drink in the evenings, began to get depressed (but didn't know what it was) and drank more to ease that feeling.
Then my mother got diagnosed with Cancer, which invited more alcohol, more depression. 2 months after my Mom died, my wife filed for divorce, and sudddenly not only was my Mom gone, but now my wife and kids. My wife was aslo drinking heavily, and we weren't happy. I'd plead with her to slow down, because I was trying desperately to. All our friends were heavy drinkers.
I almost lost my licence shortly after my wife left, but the Police Officer, God Bless him took me home instead.
My depression is getting better, but I'm still having troble with alcohol.
I convince myself that I've got ahold of it, and am controlling it now, but that's not true, and eventually the amount creeps back up.
I don't believe moderation can work for me.............right now I'm sipping on Vodka and water, sparingly to try and control the withdrawal symptoms and wean off.
I look forward to being a member here, and hope you can inspire me, and that later I can inspire others.
I took last Friday off to get some yardwork and housework don, and spent it instead drinking, then picking my kids up. I was never totally blitzed, and have improved, but I DID drink about 15 drinks each day. I'm tired of this.
Now, like many here, I am seeking help and a way to get out of this hell.
I won't go into thembarassing things I've done,.....but I would like to tell you how I got here, noting that I'm not excusing myself, but explaining how alcohol became a crutch.
About 8 years ago, my job became increasinglt stressful, my boss increasingly a power hungry arse. I started to drink in the evenings, began to get depressed (but didn't know what it was) and drank more to ease that feeling.
Then my mother got diagnosed with Cancer, which invited more alcohol, more depression. 2 months after my Mom died, my wife filed for divorce, and sudddenly not only was my Mom gone, but now my wife and kids. My wife was aslo drinking heavily, and we weren't happy. I'd plead with her to slow down, because I was trying desperately to. All our friends were heavy drinkers.
I almost lost my licence shortly after my wife left, but the Police Officer, God Bless him took me home instead.
My depression is getting better, but I'm still having troble with alcohol.
I convince myself that I've got ahold of it, and am controlling it now, but that's not true, and eventually the amount creeps back up.
I don't believe moderation can work for me.............right now I'm sipping on Vodka and water, sparingly to try and control the withdrawal symptoms and wean off.
I look forward to being a member here, and hope you can inspire me, and that later I can inspire others.
I took last Friday off to get some yardwork and housework don, and spent it instead drinking, then picking my kids up. I was never totally blitzed, and have improved, but I DID drink about 15 drinks each day. I'm tired of this.
Came here for help
Alcoholism is present on both sides of my family. I've had a tendency to drink too much at once since I was 18, but those times were few and far between.
Now, like many here, I am seeking help and a way to get out of this hell.
I won't go into thembarassing things I've done,.....but I would like to tell you how I got here, noting that I'm not excusing myself, but explaining how alcohol became a crutch.
About 8 years ago, my job became increasinglt stressful, my boss increasingly a power hungry arse. I started to drink in the evenings, began to get depressed (but didn't know what it was) and drank more to ease that feeling.
Then my mother got diagnosed with Cancer, which invited more alcohol, more depression. 2 months after my Mom died, my wife filed for divorce, and sudddenly not only was my Mom gone, but now my wife and kids. My wife was aslo drinking heavily, and we weren't happy. I'd plead with her to slow down, because I was trying desperately to. All our friends were heavy drinkers.
I almost lost my licence shortly after my wife left, but the Police Officer, God Bless him took me home instead.
My depression is getting better, but I'm still having troble with alcohol.
I convince myself that I've got ahold of it, and am controlling it now, but that's not true, and eventually the amount creeps back up.
I don't believe moderation can work for me.............right now I'm sipping on Vodka and water, sparingly to try and control the withdrawal symptoms and wean off.
I look forward to being a member here, and hope you can inspire me, and that later I can inspire others.
Now, like many here, I am seeking help and a way to get out of this hell.
I won't go into thembarassing things I've done,.....but I would like to tell you how I got here, noting that I'm not excusing myself, but explaining how alcohol became a crutch.
About 8 years ago, my job became increasinglt stressful, my boss increasingly a power hungry arse. I started to drink in the evenings, began to get depressed (but didn't know what it was) and drank more to ease that feeling.
Then my mother got diagnosed with Cancer, which invited more alcohol, more depression. 2 months after my Mom died, my wife filed for divorce, and sudddenly not only was my Mom gone, but now my wife and kids. My wife was aslo drinking heavily, and we weren't happy. I'd plead with her to slow down, because I was trying desperately to. All our friends were heavy drinkers.
I almost lost my licence shortly after my wife left, but the Police Officer, God Bless him took me home instead.
My depression is getting better, but I'm still having troble with alcohol.
I convince myself that I've got ahold of it, and am controlling it now, but that's not true, and eventually the amount creeps back up.
I don't believe moderation can work for me.............right now I'm sipping on Vodka and water, sparingly to try and control the withdrawal symptoms and wean off.
I look forward to being a member here, and hope you can inspire me, and that later I can inspire others.
