Drug Rehab Options Blog

I have drafted the following letter to my EXAGF as an attempt to have her see what her addiction has done and is doing to her. I have no illusions that this will have any impact but I feel I must
1) acknowledge her addiction and
2) confront her on it.
I think this will give me the ability to move forward a bit.

As a note We never had this conversation. I can only think of two times when it "came up" and it was only discussed for minutes and brushed under the rug and we moved on. However, when it was "over" it ended real quick with little conversation, all that was ever said was we don't fit and its over.

I have a previous post which has more background so I will not post again. "Contact with my EXAGF" (will not let me post the link)

Is sending this letter even a good idea?

I've thought about sending a copy to her mother as well. Thoughts?

What do you think of the letter itself? I tried to put the "ball in her court" because it is and detach but... The "Ted" i refer to in the letter is a HS EXABF who last spring killed someone in a car accident while high and is waiting to go to prison (trial any day now and open and closed case sorry I know inocent until proven). "Ted" has been an addict since HS and has been in and out of rehab (never in recovery mode). Even after he killed someone he was arrested again for selling Vicos. So I guess I looking for shock factor.

All thoughts, feelings etc are welcome (be harsh its okay).
Thanks - Life
___________________________________________

Hey You & ?You?,
I hope your holidays were good and new years went well. I?m writing for one reason and one reason only, and that reason is ?YOU?. I know you?re thinking this is going to be some impassioned plea for you to return to my life but surprise, it?s not.

I am writing because we have never had a conversation (a real conversation) about this subject. I never had the courage to address this with you and even if I did it probably would have brought an end to our relationship even sooner. You can deny your problem, call me names, and hate me if you want, but save your energy you?re going to need it. Know I?m writing out of LOVE, RESPECT, and HOPE for YOU, from my heart. I would be half the man I am if I did not this write letter. As a father I hope someone would do this for "Life's Son" if he were in trouble.

I know the reason you ended this relationship was because of a disease called addiction. I?m not sure if this was your intended outcome or if I was merely a casualty but never the less what happened, happened. I believe at the beginning of our relationship you where a recreational user of pills and coke. I also think this has been a battle you have been wagging for some time. When you met ?the most special man to ever touch your life? you either stopped using or cut back quite a bit. This was proven by statements from your mother like ?Life, I have to say thank you for treating EXAGF so well, I have not seen her this happy in some time now.? Maybe it wasn?t me that was making you happy but being clean(er) was, but you where happy and could smile. You showed me how wonderful and loving a person EXAGF IS. As time went by you began to use more often all the while hiding this growing problem from me and becoming unhappy. Once you could no longer hide your habit from me the ?obstacle? to your ?happiness? needed to go. You gave up so much, so easily, for so little in return. Instead of throwing me out of your life you could have asked me for help. True love does not give up!! Sometimes all it takes is a little push and support from a loved one. You could have seen the meaning of true love which by the way equals true happiness!

It saddens me when such a beautiful person falls off track and is too proud to ask for help. This is not High School anymore; this is the real world with real consequences, just ask Ted what these substances have done to him. While you?re at it ask him what they have done for him. I can?t make you get help or snap my fingers and make your addiction go away, you have to want a better life for yourself and for the people who love you. Don?t think for a second that this disease is only affecting you because it is not, it is affecting every aspect of your life (friends, family, colleagues, clients; past, present and future). I guess the question you have to ask yourself ?Is this the life I want for myself?? Without HOPE and FAITH what do we have? When I meet you, you had a HOPE and FAITH wrist band maybe it?s time to dust it off?

True happiness is not found at the bottom of a bottle or in a little white powder. You have nothing to be ashamed of, this disease kills thousands and effects millions. It?s how we respond to the adversity that will define our lives. I?ve told you before and I will tell you again, that THE MOST SPECIAL MAN TO EVER TOUCH YOUR LIFE is NOT done touching your life. I pray for you on a daily basis and will continue to do so. If this is the only way I can ?touch? your life that?s okay. But know I am your biggest cheerleader and supporter for your recovery and the future that awaits you. If you need to call upon your biggest cheerleader; today, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, because you?re ready to HELP YOURSELF but need support I will be here. I do not have all the answers but do know there is a better way! You were meant to live for so much more!

No Matter How Spoiled our Past May Be, our Future is Spotless!

With all that is good in this world &
all the Love in my Heart,

"Life"

Day 22 was when I slipped up after my first attempt. It's Day 22 again and I really want to drink. Not have a drink... I want to drink. I know you know what I mean.

My mind has been all over the place today. I knew today would be tricky because it's the end of the holiday season, my daughter's at her dad's house, I have the house to myself, etc. I just want to get out of my head. I honestly don't even know what I'm wanting to run away from, but I am on full tilt here.

This evening is going to be minute by minute. Knock some sense back into me. I am making all these excuses for why it would be ok to drink just tonight. At least I don't have any in the house, so as long as I can stay parked on the couch I'll be ok. But there's a store just a half mile away... HELP!

Hello too all..this forum has helped me SOOOO much! So thankful i found you guys. I have lived with an alcholic..weed addicted..porn addicted boyfriend for the past four years!! His many addictions i would take so personal..it was chocking the life out of me!! I have been chocked by him when he was angry with me..this was during a few months sobriety..he was just as horrible when not drinking!!! No..i would say..WORSE!!! My daughter and son lived with us as well as his daughter on the weekends. I met him when i was32...he was 41! i wanted to help him quit drinking so desperatly..he had a problem with alchol since the age of 13..i didnt realize how much alchol had a strong hold on him!! I thought i was strong enough..i can help fix him!!! How blind and foolish can you get! So..with encouragement from me..he made an attempt to quit..for about 8 months..but oohh the anger and rage..it broke my heart..and the kids as well.(my daughter was 6..my son13, his daughter 11). His addiction to porn was horrible during this time..always leering at women..making sexual comments..couldnt focus during conversations if an attractive woman passed by..would practially veer off the road just too stare..would send me out to the store or on an errand so that he could be alone with the internet..I tried to tell myself lets get passed the alchol addiction first..it tore at my self esteem..made me feel invisable..was so hard. His family said i was the best think to happen to him..they felt like with me by his side he would be ready to give up the alchol addiction. He never attempted to lay it aside at any other time they could remembereven though thats what they had prayed and longed for..HIS SOBRIETY!!! When angry he would say..how can you complain..look what ive given up for YOU!!!! I realize it has too truley be what he wants for himself!! Im sure he will see that one day..it really cant be us wanting it for them..not with any addiction! anyways..i would take a shower in the morning and walk into the room to him masterbating..taking care of his own business i guess..and was so caught up in porn..he couldnt keep an erection without it!!! I was attractive..all his friends commented about how lucky he was too have me in his life..i enjoyed sex..and wasnt being satisfied by him due to his porn addiction. He would want me too watch it with him..i just couldnt do it! Didnt enjoy it because i already know the affect and hold it had on him!! He was much more satisfied with the high from porn than real contact with a real woman!! I was so foolish to have stayed so long in misery..but i was so in love with his mom and dad who cared for me and showered me with love and kindness like i had never known..and i came to love his daughter as my own!! aND she felt the same toward me. He had 3 failed marriages due to alchol...so its no suprise we ended up not making it..He replaced alchol with weed after the eight months sobriety...and i knew it wouldnt be long before alchol became a part of the picture again! One night i tried to talk to him about the porn and weed..told him i cant live this way..was causing me too much hurt to live this way..he became angry..came towards me..and punched me in the face! I FELT blood run down my face..our daughters stepped in the room..they looked so afraid...i was in shock that he would do something so horrible. But now i look back..it was bound to happen sooner or later. It started out with pushing me around..then holding me against the wall..chocking me several times...now why should this be any different!!! I left him within a few days..i let his daughter know i was leaving..left his mom a good bye letter!! i grieved the loss of failing his family because they had so many hopes tied up in him finally settling down and being sober and happy!!! HE started calling me and appoligizing..promising he had seen the light..this will never happen again..he knew he had to change..blah blah blah...i bought into it..(oohh how niave i was)...went back a couple weeks later...within a month he was drinking..smoking dope..and looking at porn at work instead of home!!! I stayed a few more years of him being smoked up..drunk and making promises of a better tommorow! That hope for a better life with him never came. His daughter and i were so close..she was and is very precious to me!!! As well as his mom and dad..though i miss them..i realized i need to take care of me and my sanity so that my daughter and son have me present with them. That wasnt living..THAT WAS SLOWLY DYING!!! I have too much love and care and heart to let someone rob it from me!!! I was just wasting it on the wrong person!! i care for him..i have love for him..and yes it still hurts..but i will survive..HEY..if i can survive the hell ive went thru for the past four years..I CAN SURVIVE ANYTHING!!! wE CANT SET THEM FREE..They are sick..not hopeless..but sick none the less!!! hes got to get to were i am on his own..sick and tired of being sick and tired!!! people tried too tell me..WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH HIM!! You can do better..what are you thinking?????? But it didnt matter what they saw and what they wanted for me..i had to wake up to it all myself!!! And thank god i did!! Never knew i could be so hurt and feel such hopelessness and shame..for sOOO long..but ive learned the hard way!! You know what..so must he!!! Now its time to take care of me!!! Thanks too you guys..im getting stronger by the day!!! Bless you all...and..MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!

I was wondering if there are others feeling the same as I do? With the holidays coming up, it's difficult to listen to others talk about their plans with their spouses and loved ones. I just can't seem to overcome this feeling of deep sadness and feeling sorry for myself.

As I've shared before, my AH and I separated just over 6 months ago. I haven't talked to him in the past 3 months. He did attempt to call me several times but I checked the call screen and didn't pick up out of self-protection. The last time we had spoken, he was very hurtful and I couldn't risk that again.

As it would turn out, I picked up the phone by accident, without checking, a couple of weeks ago and it was him. He started out rather sheepishly saying it was my "long, lost friend." I'm not ready to be friends as I'm not at all over him. He told me a bit about his new life in another city and tried to paint a positive picture but mainly he was upset because I'd sent him the last of his personal belongings and so he made up this big lie about how it was opened at customs, he was interrogated, what was I trying to do - get hiim in trouble, set him up? He said he still didn't have the contents of the box, they were detaining it. When I checked with UPS the next day they confirmed that it had been signed and delivered. So his story was a lie. I didn't get a thank-you, no acknoledgment of him being the least bit grateful, as it took me 3 nights of sorting through documents, certificates, family photographs, scanning them into my computer just in case the box went missing. All of that and he chose to take it in a negative light.

The next morning I got another call saying he thought he'd tell me why he hasn't called in the last 3 months. He said that before when he'd was calling regularly, I told him it was giving me mixed messages and he didn't want to do that. So I asked him why he felt he had to phone and tell me that all over again. He said since he's left he feels so much better about himself because he's not arguing continually with anyone (what he calls arguing was me talking about his drinking and trying to get him to stop). He further tells me that our life wasn't going anywhere, which was really the icing on the cake. He stole my words. That's why I told him I couldn't continue - because our life was getting nowhere. He tells me the spark had died 2 years before we split up when I had to call the police on him because he started throwing things around in a drunken fit. Not, gosh I'm sorry that my behaviour got to the point where you felt you had to call the police. So I asked him, if the spark had died and he knew it... why he felt he had to stick around for another 2 years while I tried everything known to mankind to make our relationship work? He didn't say anything.

I just feel like the whole phone conversation was staged to hurt me. Then a week later he calls to wish me a happy birthday and that was it. Sorry to go on and on but just wondering if anyone has any thoughts on his behaviour? I've been trying to make sense of it. Of course I'm left feeling very sad because, not only was it a birthday for me, it's Christmas coming up, I did this really nice gesture by sending the box and paying quite alot to get it to him and I didn't hear one thing in his voice to indicate he missed me or had any regret whatsoever after 16 years together. Why do I feel like the injured party?

Thanks for listening.

Unless you want to count a fifth attempt at attending a meeting and it's a no-go. I have to jump through hoops to get out and try to hit one and I feel like I'm hitting my head against a brick wall each time. What's up? Why don't they update the website? I am so frustrated!

The AA meeting locations aren't listed, I should have tried that though, instead of spending half the morning sneaking into my room to call the places on the list for the NA meetings. What a waste!

So, all I've been doing this afternoon is driving around and swallowing hydros. It hasn't helped... yet. I'm still angry. Probably as much at myself as anything else. I should have stayed home, gotten over myself, and started with Christmas decorations.

Just needed to blow off a little steam. So, I returned to the library. Not sure what to do now. Ironically, I've confirmed that there's a 6:30 meeting but I have to pick my son up from work at 7:00. I couldn't find a way around that one. That's exactly how it's been all week.

I really wish that someone would just knock me over the head and get me to straighten out. Then none of this would be happening.

Finally!!! The hydros are kicking in. I think that I'd like for someone else to be angry at me. Does that sound wierd?

Most of you know of my forever drawn out drama with me and my sons AF and my UBER dysfunctional family. I have had it!!! i have decided to move to another state, about 2 states away (9 hrs) to start over and attempt to have a "normal" life for me and my son.

My sons father has Never really been involved in his life. only at times when he though he could talk me back into the bedroom...

I have full legal and physical custody of our son. so do i have to tell him or get his permission to move to another state.??

just wondering.. dont want him pulling anything last minute that would hinder me from moving.

I know i Should tell him and his family.. but they have put about 1% of effort into my sons life since he was born. THey dont deserve it and i dont know that my son would even notice.
I dont know.. i am very resentful to all of them as they continue to support my ex and his ever flourishing addiction.. then again a part of me wants to tell him to see if he cares enough to say/do anything to see his son while he can.
i am not moving until May. as soon as my son gets out of school we are gone. I am going up there this weekend to look for jobs and housing. i have good friends who already live there that will be supportive for me and my son.
i dont know. .. i should be nice and tell them. they dont deserve nice.. its always been me doing all the frickin work for both parties.. i am sick of it.
idk......

My first attempt at sobriety was around a year ago.. I made it 100 days. After that I slowly got worse and worse and drank more and more. I graduated from a few benders a week to everyday. Also changed from wine to hard stuff. It's been a wild ride. but I am here again which I believe is a good sign. So I'm raising my cup of coffee and cheering day 1 of many.!

Just found this site earlier today and i am very happy that i did. I just recently came to the acceptance of being an alcoholic and as of yesterday am entering the journey that is without alcohol.....or going to attempt to.

for me, my problems stem from overindulging. i dont' have a problem with daily drinking but once i start i don't stop. my body has lost that off switch. even if i say before i start that i will only have a few, that few turns into a few too many.

i find myself crossing that line way too often. that line that brings on the apologies the next day. that line that brings out the worst in me. way too often i have hurt the ones i love with drinking too much. blacking out and saying the most hurtful things you can say to a person....to the love of my life. the love of my life i am trying to get back into my life.

i read a post earlier tonite regarding Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and this explains me perfectly. when i am not drinking, things are great. but when i start, i am a completely different person. i think its time that Mr. Hyde leaves town.

anyways, its after 3am for me and i am pretty tired so i will probably read this post in the morning and it will look like incoherent babble lol.

Again, i am very happy that i found SR because i know i will find the information and support that i need here.

First off I am new to the forum. I found it while researching onliine.

Its 06:45am...and the begining of a new day. I have been drinking way too much for approx 6 years. I has affected my personal life and current relationship. Has not affected my career that much yet.(thank goodness)....but I can see problems down the road if this continues.
Now with a new born at home, and a wife I dont want to lose. Our relationship has suffered because of the alcohol.....

Today is going to be my DAY 1!!!

I have tried in the past but only made it about day 4-5. I have to make this attempt different than the others!!! This one HAS to work.
I started out having a couple beer every night after work to relax from my stressfull career. Now it has turned out to a minimum of 4 up to 8. I am not sleeping properly and my mood has changed dramatically in the last year to miserable.
Today is different....Today has to be different!!!

Thank you to all who have posted on this forum. After reading for a few days it has inspired me to change my life.

I will post to let everyone know how I am doing. Hopefully everything goes well!!!!!

My AH and I are separated.

He invited us (my son and I) out to dinner with him tonight - just said that he missed us and wanted to visit. We had a nice time. No drinking, no drama. I enjoyed the evening.

As AH was dropping us off, I asked if he'd like to stick around for a while - have a cup of coffee. It was my first offer of the sort.

Nope.

AH said he'd pass. He wasn't angry or cold. Just said, "no." Then he smiled, gave me a hug, and said he'd see me later.

It hurt my feelings.
The old me would have pouted, cried, and had a long conversation with him about how bad his refusal made me feel - all with the ultimate goal of getting him to change his mind. I would have felt perfectly justified in all of these behaviors.

But I stopped myself.

I could attempt to control AH (as I've done many times before), or I could respect myself enough to accept his choices.

After all why would I want to spend the evening with someone that I had to coax and cajole into staying?

Maybe he wanted to leave so that he could drink.
Maybe he wanted to spend the evening alone.
Maybe he wanted to go to bed early.
Maybe he wanted to keep me guessing.

Who knows?

It doesn't matter why he chose not to stay.

For me, our separation is all about watching his actions instead of listening to his words - I just didn't realize how hard it would be to keep myself from trying to influence his actions.
I do it instinctively - I'm learning to be different.

Does anyone have any tips to share?