Archive for the ‘Attitude’ tag
As Bill Sees It
*~*~*~*~*^As Bill Sees It^*~*~*~*~*
All or Nothing?
Acceptance and faith are capable of producing 100 per cent sobriety. In fact, they usually do; and they must, else we could have no life at all. But the moment we carry these attitudes into our emotional problems, we find that only relative results are possible. Nobody can, for example, become completely free from fear, anger, and pride.
Hence, in this life we shall attain nothing like perfect humility and love. So we shall have to settle, respecting most of our problems, for a very gradual progress, punctuated sometimes by very heavy setbacks. Our oldtime attitude of "all or nothing" will have to be abandoned.
GRAPEVINE, MARCH 1962
All or Nothing?
Acceptance and faith are capable of producing 100 per cent sobriety. In fact, they usually do; and they must, else we could have no life at all. But the moment we carry these attitudes into our emotional problems, we find that only relative results are possible. Nobody can, for example, become completely free from fear, anger, and pride.
Hence, in this life we shall attain nothing like perfect humility and love. So we shall have to settle, respecting most of our problems, for a very gradual progress, punctuated sometimes by very heavy setbacks. Our oldtime attitude of "all or nothing" will have to be abandoned.
GRAPEVINE, MARCH 1962
finding something to worry about…
The ABF is in jail, and needless to say clean for a few months now. His attitude is remarkable. He attends meetings EVERYDAY, goes to church, works out, and is trying to get into a rhythm so he can keep his sober habits a float when he leaves... Now what to I worry about now? Well in the times we are in today, I am CONSTANTLY worrying about loosing my job. As you all codies know, we are known at times to be workaholics, and this is all I do. I work late hours, weekends, I even work from home on holidays... Christmas I found myself working from home... They are on a firing spree at my job, and I am just so terrified of having to start someplace new. I feel like I am always getting the short end of the stick... This worry of my ABF has transposed to my work, and I really need to stop. I am very humble and have no ego about where I work. I try to tell myself if I loose my job, then so what, I will find another. But I am staring to think this habit I have to "worry-ism" is driving me CRAZY - advice?:Xmasestar
Just needing an elbow in the ribs
My husband and I separated a month and a half ago. It was an ugly mess at the time. He was binge drinking and making my life a living hell. He was living life so wrecklessly that I had to make him choose. It was his family or his bottle. Well, he chose the bottlte and it wasn't any surprise. I knew that it would happen that way. I guess it made it more bearable knowing that he chose his own path. He moved in with his mother and for quite some time he didn't call or contact us. It was a little painful at first but it got easier to handle. He started calling at odd hours...like 2:00 in the morning! He would call me a few choice words and hang up. You know...my heart began to feel nothing. I stopped crying silently in the shower. I told him years ago to stop calling me names and acting like such an idiot that eventually I wouldn't love him the same way anymore. Well, it happened and when the chill hit him his attitude changed towards me. But now I know its too late. Now, he's a wreck. He cries and says that without his family he's nothing, he wants to die, etc. I care for him and don't want anything to happen to him. I believe that he's sincere in his threats. He's bipolar without meds and a heavy drinker. I told him last night that I thought that was a silly thing to say because even without me he still has his children. He hung up in my face.I know that this is another game to make me feel like crap so I'll cave but it really is bothering me today. Help me put this in perspective please.
A sense of entitlement
What I'm dealing with:
My ex is still at my house, sleeping in his son's bedroom. He got out of jail nearly 2 weeks ago. He came over to see his son and he never left. He's not working or making any attempts to find a job. I was trying to be kind and let him stay through his next court date (Dec. 29th) but he?s making it really difficult. I thought he might be able to pitch in and help with a few around the house projects I have ? like caulking the bathrooms ? but he?s really not into it. Twice now, he?s gone out at night, and not come back til the next day.
He?s not using drugs (or so he says, and he doesn?t seem hungover when he gets back) but it?s very disturbing to my son who gets very upset every time his daddy leaves because he is worried that he will never come back. It also really annoys me because I am a fulltime parent and I have yet to catch a break or get an evening out even though his father has come to stay.
At first my son was very concerned everytime his father left the house. He would cry because he didn't think daddy was coming back. So I started telling him that Daddy comes and goes and Daddy is looking for his own house. And his daddy would love him no matter where he lived. And that we would go visit him when he did find his own house. That seems to have quieted his fears a little. And I also think that my son may be catching on to his fathers ways - realizing that his father is totally unreliable. Because , ysterday my son surprised me on the way home from work. He asked if his father would be at home. And then he said "I know momma, he comes and goes."
His father is pretty much a playmate to his son and that's all. I've been very sick so it was helpful to have someone there to entertain my child, but now having him in my house is really starting to annoy me. He lays on the couch and does nothing. He has no initiative. He has this attitude of entitlement and when I ask him what his plans are or I express my frustration to him, he just acts like I?m being a bitch and tells me he?ll find somewhere else to stay. But that?s about it. He hasn't actually made a permanent move to find somewhere else to stay. He just comes and goes when he wants and acts like I?m being a nasty beyatch when I ask him to help out or if he?s going to be around when I get home from work.
He has been hanging with his old "druggie" friends. He says they aren't using anymore. He told his mother that he had to re-acquaint himself with his old friends because I wouldn't let him stay us and he had to find somewhere to live. His mother called and asked me not to argue with him. She's afraid he will go out and use drugs and not come home for a visit after Christmas.
Anyway, sorry to post so long. I need to get this out so I can get a grip and make a move. It's easier to set boundaries and make an action plan when I see how ridiculous the situation looks on paper.
ERGH!
My ex is still at my house, sleeping in his son's bedroom. He got out of jail nearly 2 weeks ago. He came over to see his son and he never left. He's not working or making any attempts to find a job. I was trying to be kind and let him stay through his next court date (Dec. 29th) but he?s making it really difficult. I thought he might be able to pitch in and help with a few around the house projects I have ? like caulking the bathrooms ? but he?s really not into it. Twice now, he?s gone out at night, and not come back til the next day.
He?s not using drugs (or so he says, and he doesn?t seem hungover when he gets back) but it?s very disturbing to my son who gets very upset every time his daddy leaves because he is worried that he will never come back. It also really annoys me because I am a fulltime parent and I have yet to catch a break or get an evening out even though his father has come to stay.
At first my son was very concerned everytime his father left the house. He would cry because he didn't think daddy was coming back. So I started telling him that Daddy comes and goes and Daddy is looking for his own house. And his daddy would love him no matter where he lived. And that we would go visit him when he did find his own house. That seems to have quieted his fears a little. And I also think that my son may be catching on to his fathers ways - realizing that his father is totally unreliable. Because , ysterday my son surprised me on the way home from work. He asked if his father would be at home. And then he said "I know momma, he comes and goes."
His father is pretty much a playmate to his son and that's all. I've been very sick so it was helpful to have someone there to entertain my child, but now having him in my house is really starting to annoy me. He lays on the couch and does nothing. He has no initiative. He has this attitude of entitlement and when I ask him what his plans are or I express my frustration to him, he just acts like I?m being a bitch and tells me he?ll find somewhere else to stay. But that?s about it. He hasn't actually made a permanent move to find somewhere else to stay. He just comes and goes when he wants and acts like I?m being a nasty beyatch when I ask him to help out or if he?s going to be around when I get home from work.
He has been hanging with his old "druggie" friends. He says they aren't using anymore. He told his mother that he had to re-acquaint himself with his old friends because I wouldn't let him stay us and he had to find somewhere to live. His mother called and asked me not to argue with him. She's afraid he will go out and use drugs and not come home for a visit after Christmas.
Anyway, sorry to post so long. I need to get this out so I can get a grip and make a move. It's easier to set boundaries and make an action plan when I see how ridiculous the situation looks on paper.
ERGH!
Difficult time of year…..
I haven't checked in for quite a while. I'm not even sure if some of the folks I used to know are still around here.
My son is the A in my life. He has his ups and downs. He's sober for a while then he's not. When he's not, his attitude goes to heck.
My Dad was killed in a small aircraft accident on September 6th. I've been fighting depression since that time. I was very very close to him and talked with him almost everyday (we were also business partners).
The day after my Dad died, my A son called and started doing his quacking. I told him that I just couldn't talk to him if he was going to behave that way and I ended the phone call. I was just in too much pain to deal with him.
The memorial service was small and quiet....just family.....and held at my Mom's house. Of course, my son didn't show up when he was suppose to so I called him....and woke him up. We proceeded with the service and my son walked in late by about 15 minutes looking like something the cat dragged in.
I didn't let him bother me. I was numb from the shock of the accident and the loss of one of the people dearest to me.
Fast forward to today....... I get a call from my A son. He got laid off and had a fight with his girlfriend and he started going into the "life isn't worth it" routine. I realized that I needed to revisit my friends here at SR and work on my loving detachment. I've let my guard down and haven't been reading my daily readings so I need a good dose of the good sense that I get here.
gentle hugs
My son is the A in my life. He has his ups and downs. He's sober for a while then he's not. When he's not, his attitude goes to heck.
My Dad was killed in a small aircraft accident on September 6th. I've been fighting depression since that time. I was very very close to him and talked with him almost everyday (we were also business partners).
The day after my Dad died, my A son called and started doing his quacking. I told him that I just couldn't talk to him if he was going to behave that way and I ended the phone call. I was just in too much pain to deal with him.
The memorial service was small and quiet....just family.....and held at my Mom's house. Of course, my son didn't show up when he was suppose to so I called him....and woke him up. We proceeded with the service and my son walked in late by about 15 minutes looking like something the cat dragged in.
I didn't let him bother me. I was numb from the shock of the accident and the loss of one of the people dearest to me.
Fast forward to today....... I get a call from my A son. He got laid off and had a fight with his girlfriend and he started going into the "life isn't worth it" routine. I realized that I needed to revisit my friends here at SR and work on my loving detachment. I've let my guard down and haven't been reading my daily readings so I need a good dose of the good sense that I get here.
gentle hugs
Finding a sponsor/sponsorship
In the vain of the other thread for the newcomers to AA, I thought it may be useful to discuss sponsorship as well. I was dead set against getting a sponsor when I first came to the rooms. Why get one? Will they say no? Do I really want someone telling me what to do? I guess those are probably common questions at the beginning. Plus, it's hard to ask for help and most of us fear rejection.
Thank God I was able to put all of that aside and asked someone. From my experience it isn't the right thing to just ask someone right away without really knowing what they are about. I did that, and had to "fire" my first sponsor. Again, a learning process. In how it works it says, "If you want what we have, and are willing to go to any lengths to get it." I had to find someone who had what I wanted. Their attitude, actions, and sobriety were key.
It takes a little bit of work to find the right person, but it is entirely worth the effort. Having someone who has been where I've been at different points of sobriety, and can guide me through things, has been so helpful. Trust is important, and I know I can trust the man with anything. I was never able to trust anyone when I was out there drinking and getting high.
So for the newcomer, it may scare you to think about getting a sponsor. Don't let that fear keep you from one of the most important pieces of the recovery puzzle (In my opinion anyway). Go to some meetings, talk to people, and find someone with good sobriety that you can relate to. Most people with good time are glad to help the newcomer, and if they can't it's not because of you. They may just have too much on their plate. So go to some meetings and give it a shot, you wont regret it. I'm sure there are some people on here who sponsor others, and could shed some light on the process from their point of view. Good luck and God bless.
- Dirtyjerz
Thank God I was able to put all of that aside and asked someone. From my experience it isn't the right thing to just ask someone right away without really knowing what they are about. I did that, and had to "fire" my first sponsor. Again, a learning process. In how it works it says, "If you want what we have, and are willing to go to any lengths to get it." I had to find someone who had what I wanted. Their attitude, actions, and sobriety were key.
It takes a little bit of work to find the right person, but it is entirely worth the effort. Having someone who has been where I've been at different points of sobriety, and can guide me through things, has been so helpful. Trust is important, and I know I can trust the man with anything. I was never able to trust anyone when I was out there drinking and getting high.
So for the newcomer, it may scare you to think about getting a sponsor. Don't let that fear keep you from one of the most important pieces of the recovery puzzle (In my opinion anyway). Go to some meetings, talk to people, and find someone with good sobriety that you can relate to. Most people with good time are glad to help the newcomer, and if they can't it's not because of you. They may just have too much on their plate. So go to some meetings and give it a shot, you wont regret it. I'm sure there are some people on here who sponsor others, and could shed some light on the process from their point of view. Good luck and God bless.
- Dirtyjerz
Language of Letting Go - Dec. 8 -Valuing Our Needs
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Valuing Our Needs
When we don't ask for what we want and need, we discount ourselves. We deserve better.
Maybe others taught us it wasn't polite or appropriate to speak up for ourselves. The truth is, if we don't, our unmet wants and needs may ultimately come back to haunt our relationships. We may end up feeling angry or resentful, or we may begin to punish someone else for not guessing what we need. We may end the relationship because it doesn't meet our needs.
Intimacy and closeness are only possible in a relationship when both people can say what they want and need. Sustained intimacy demands this.
Sometimes, we may even have to demand what we want. That's called setting a boundary. We do this not to control another person, but to gain control of our life.
Our attitude toward our needs is important too. We must value them and take them seriously if we expect others to take us seriously. When we begin to place value and importance on our needs we'll see a remarkable change. Our wants and needs will begin to get met.
Today, I will respect the wants and needs of others and myself. I will tell others, my Higher Power, and myself what I want and need. I will listen to what they want and need too.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Valuing Our Needs
When we don't ask for what we want and need, we discount ourselves. We deserve better.
Maybe others taught us it wasn't polite or appropriate to speak up for ourselves. The truth is, if we don't, our unmet wants and needs may ultimately come back to haunt our relationships. We may end up feeling angry or resentful, or we may begin to punish someone else for not guessing what we need. We may end the relationship because it doesn't meet our needs.
Intimacy and closeness are only possible in a relationship when both people can say what they want and need. Sustained intimacy demands this.
Sometimes, we may even have to demand what we want. That's called setting a boundary. We do this not to control another person, but to gain control of our life.
Our attitude toward our needs is important too. We must value them and take them seriously if we expect others to take us seriously. When we begin to place value and importance on our needs we'll see a remarkable change. Our wants and needs will begin to get met.
Today, I will respect the wants and needs of others and myself. I will tell others, my Higher Power, and myself what I want and need. I will listen to what they want and need too.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
A debt repaid
Today is a cold, dark day, so I want to share a warm, thankful story.
Last night I had a lovely conversation with my brother-in-law (my husband's brother). He is a pediatrician who does a great deal of philanthropic work in east Africa and south Asia, traveling there between 3 and 6 months out of each year. He always has great stories!
He is single and earns an excellent living, and he has always been able to give very generously to those in need.
When my husband went to rehab, after MUCH haggling and checking and insurance maneuvering on my part, my AH's coverage was denied 10 days into a 30 day stay. The insurance wouldn't pay, and AH - though we had the money, refused to pay out-of-pocket for treatment.
My brother-in-law felt very strongly about P remaining in treatment, and he agreed to pay the balance (since P insisted that the money was his only concern). It was an incredibly large amount, and I was sure that after working the steps and coming to terms with his problem, my husband would INSIST on repaying his brother.
Nope. Much to my chagrin, P got out, and, shortly thereafter abandoned his program. He never made it to any "amends" step. And he never repaid his brother.
Anyway, apparently this year my brother-in-law's financial situation got a little bit screwy - money ran tight after taking time off for his mission work, and he found himself in bit of a bind. He mentioned this casually to my husband, and P volunteered to give him the money.
My brother-in-law called me to make sure that such a gift was ok with me, (He didn't know that we have financially, as well as physically separated.) and we ended up having a long chat. He was ecstatic about the gift - saw it as a genuine change in P's attitude and thought process.
I am not ecstatic. I do not know that this heralds any lasting change in the self-centered behavior that has characterized my husband for so long, but I am grateful that he made this choice.
I am fascinated by the way the universe has a way of working things out.
I am glad that my BIL has been repaid.
I am thankful for him and the good work that will be accomplished with the money.
Have a great day, all!
-TC
Last night I had a lovely conversation with my brother-in-law (my husband's brother). He is a pediatrician who does a great deal of philanthropic work in east Africa and south Asia, traveling there between 3 and 6 months out of each year. He always has great stories!
He is single and earns an excellent living, and he has always been able to give very generously to those in need.
When my husband went to rehab, after MUCH haggling and checking and insurance maneuvering on my part, my AH's coverage was denied 10 days into a 30 day stay. The insurance wouldn't pay, and AH - though we had the money, refused to pay out-of-pocket for treatment.
My brother-in-law felt very strongly about P remaining in treatment, and he agreed to pay the balance (since P insisted that the money was his only concern). It was an incredibly large amount, and I was sure that after working the steps and coming to terms with his problem, my husband would INSIST on repaying his brother.
Nope. Much to my chagrin, P got out, and, shortly thereafter abandoned his program. He never made it to any "amends" step. And he never repaid his brother.
Anyway, apparently this year my brother-in-law's financial situation got a little bit screwy - money ran tight after taking time off for his mission work, and he found himself in bit of a bind. He mentioned this casually to my husband, and P volunteered to give him the money.
My brother-in-law called me to make sure that such a gift was ok with me, (He didn't know that we have financially, as well as physically separated.) and we ended up having a long chat. He was ecstatic about the gift - saw it as a genuine change in P's attitude and thought process.
I am not ecstatic. I do not know that this heralds any lasting change in the self-centered behavior that has characterized my husband for so long, but I am grateful that he made this choice.
I am fascinated by the way the universe has a way of working things out.
I am glad that my BIL has been repaid.
I am thankful for him and the good work that will be accomplished with the money.
Have a great day, all!
-TC
pissy and upset
I am going to apologize in advance for being debbie-downer.
First off I am tired of thinking about alcohol/sobriety all day. I think I am more obsessed with it now then when I was drinking.
I constantly have this void I feel. It's so hard to explain. An emptyness almost, and I dont know how to fill it. Its like a need that can't be met because I dont know what it is. I hope someone understands what I am trying to say.
I am tired of my lack of energy. I am over a month into it, I should be more energized. I still have days where I have problems getting off the couch. Theres no reason for it. I have a million things I could do but dont do them. I always end the day by telling myself tomorrow will be different but it usually isn't.
I am tired of waking up in the morning wondering what kind of mood am I going to be in today and how many times I will ride the emotion rollercoaster throughout the day. Speaking of moods why do I feel I have to be happy all the time. Not just happy but estatic. I think I am waiting for this magical world to happen. A world full of smiles, butterflys, and rainbows everyday. I need to come to terms this DOES NOT exist. What I am looking for is a fantasy life. Welcome to the real world.
I am tired of wondering if I am "normal" yet, and wondering what "normal" feels like. I have no idea what sober/normal feels like since this is the longest I have been clean in 13 yrs.
I am tired of being at the recieving end of my own pity party. This is especially getting old to me. Aww, poor me and my poor life. I need to get over it. I take a look around and know I have it GOOD. Who am I to whine? How dare I.. Why aren't I happy with what I have. I achieve a goal I have struggled for or something good happens and instead of enjoying it for a little while I am usually thinking of how it could be better. I carry this "nothing is ever good enough" attitude. Why must I focus on the negative? I wish I could be in someone elses shoes for awhile. Maybe I'd change my way of thinking.
I am a smart girl and often know what I need to do to make things better and yet I choose not to do them. I have all the tools to succeed and do not use them. I think I make excuses for myself and my behavior and it gets me by.
I dont know how to end this besides saying I feel so OVERWHELMED with a million emotions.
First off I am tired of thinking about alcohol/sobriety all day. I think I am more obsessed with it now then when I was drinking.
I constantly have this void I feel. It's so hard to explain. An emptyness almost, and I dont know how to fill it. Its like a need that can't be met because I dont know what it is. I hope someone understands what I am trying to say.
I am tired of my lack of energy. I am over a month into it, I should be more energized. I still have days where I have problems getting off the couch. Theres no reason for it. I have a million things I could do but dont do them. I always end the day by telling myself tomorrow will be different but it usually isn't.
I am tired of waking up in the morning wondering what kind of mood am I going to be in today and how many times I will ride the emotion rollercoaster throughout the day. Speaking of moods why do I feel I have to be happy all the time. Not just happy but estatic. I think I am waiting for this magical world to happen. A world full of smiles, butterflys, and rainbows everyday. I need to come to terms this DOES NOT exist. What I am looking for is a fantasy life. Welcome to the real world.
I am tired of wondering if I am "normal" yet, and wondering what "normal" feels like. I have no idea what sober/normal feels like since this is the longest I have been clean in 13 yrs.
I am tired of being at the recieving end of my own pity party. This is especially getting old to me. Aww, poor me and my poor life. I need to get over it. I take a look around and know I have it GOOD. Who am I to whine? How dare I.. Why aren't I happy with what I have. I achieve a goal I have struggled for or something good happens and instead of enjoying it for a little while I am usually thinking of how it could be better. I carry this "nothing is ever good enough" attitude. Why must I focus on the negative? I wish I could be in someone elses shoes for awhile. Maybe I'd change my way of thinking.
I am a smart girl and often know what I need to do to make things better and yet I choose not to do them. I have all the tools to succeed and do not use them. I think I make excuses for myself and my behavior and it gets me by.
I dont know how to end this besides saying I feel so OVERWHELMED with a million emotions.
Overcoming defects of character
I recently celebrated 3 yrs sober, and it felt good, but I am still unhappy that I suffer from certain character defects. I easily get a negative outlook on life and just wish for the instant feeling of good I got from booze/drugs. I have had a lot of extremes in life, more than other people in recovery I know. I did a lot of narcotics, got a lot of money without working for it early in life, and sex was the same. I don't like journeys, I just like destinations. I have difficulty in life not seeing it in these terms (black and white, all or nothing, sex/booze/money/status), and I often live my life just wanting to escape or find a means to escape. This makes me more selfish than I would like. I notice most people in general are very selfish.... most people in aa are still selfish to some degree, and the people who I see as less selfish are only selfless IF they think it will benefit them. I am like that, but more extreme. I feel like it will take a lifetime to undue the damage I did to myself (if it is possible). Getting sober and getting a job is easy, overcoming this stuff feels almost impossible. All I can manage to do is pray about it, do my readings, and try not to commit the selfish acts that have ruined me and my attitude/approach to life (or at least ones that are obvious to me). I am only now starting to accept myself a little more for who I am, so I am only beginning to accept others a little more too and want to be a part of their lives.
