Archive for the ‘Back Porch’ tag
Haven’t Been Around for A While
Life is crazy. And I don't get back here as often as I should. Between work and medical problems...life goes fast. But I needed to vent. A couple weeks ago my daughter decided to go see her father. She had not seen him in 6 years. She wrote to him about 4 years ago and he responded that he was doing well, was getting married, was teaching Sunday School and was disappointed that HIS daughter would have a child without being married. Well, a year later, she is back out here where he lives. And she wrote him a couple letters and he never responded. However, once a year he sends my parents an old tax bill and asks me to handle this cause it's MY problem. Forgot to mention that shortly after she moved back she asked me to take her to his place. As we went around the corner his back porch was littered with beer cans and she we left. Two weeks ago, however, she decided to go see him with her boyfriend and her daughter. He answered the door and said he was the man she was looking for. And she said.."do you know who I am." He said no and she said she was his daughter. He immediately replied.."No you aren't. I have NEVER been married." She then informed him he also had a son. And he said again.."No, I have never been married." She started to cry and he told her he'd have to ask his doctor cause he'd been in an accident. Now this man has one DRAMA after another. He has ALWAYS been the victim. Blamed me for leaving and he didn't know why. Even though because of him we were on the news when he kidnapped me and put a gun to my head and a SWAT team had to rescue me in 1997. I have tried not to trash this man in front of my daughter because I know how close they once were. And this hurts me to see her hurt. First, I wanted to send him copies of the birth certificates. And our divorce papers. But then I thought...why drag this out. For some reason he is doing this to her. However, it would hurt less if he had just said to her...you have wanted nothing to do with me the 3 years you've been back...why now? I thought it wouldn't bother me...but it does. How could somebody be so heartless, so cruel to do that? Or has he lost his mind? He's now 66 and probably not in the best of shape. Only thing that bothers my daughter is that if he TRULY had amnesia wouldn't he asks questions? Wouldn't he be curious about why she was claiming this or to find out if he did have a family? And what about things he has from his past life. I just don't believe him. But it still hurts that he could do this to her.
Needing some closure
I'm not sure if this is the right forum to post on but I figure you folks might be able to clear up a few things for me.
I'll try to keep this rather long story short. The anniversary of my mother's death a few days ago had my brother and I talking and I realized I still had so many unanswered questions.
My mom and I never really got along. We were so different in every way. I was the oldest child and had a different father than my sibs. My step father and I never got along either, he was a functional psychotic, if you can imagine such a thing. I spent much of my childhood with my loving grandparents and had great aunts, uncles and other family who loved me. I was very lucky!
Anyway, when I got sober, on the advice of my sponsor and psychiatrist, I distanced myself from my mother and sibs as they were not a good influence on me. As I grew in sobriety I managed to put together a good life, advance in my career and in general was happy.
Eight years into sobriety, my step father suddenly died. My mom had no clue to finances and my meth addled sibs were of no help. They moved in with her and you can imagine the chaos that created! I got sucked back in to handle the business and tried to set things up for my mom so she wouldn't have to worry.
Mom was diagnosis with COPD among other things. She had to sell the house in order to pay the medical bills. Having no place else to go, she moved in with me. Not a good idea but it seemed to be the only choice. I was able to arrange my schedule to be home more to care for her but still had to be out of town one night a week for work.
Since the sibs were over 100 miles away, they didn't cause as much chaos but I soon found out one of them was sending mom marijuana in the mail! To my house addressed to me! To say I was annoyed would be an understatement! Mom had never been a drinker or to my knowledge a drug user so I accepted the pot smoking as a medical thing for her. I did have her smoke on the back porch as I worried about second smoke (I am drug tested at work on a random basis) and set up a nice little area for her.
The sibs visited only once in a while and I got them a hotel room nearby. It seemed a good arrangement.
One night, mom got very sick and I had to take her to the hospital. She threw a huge fit that required me to get a male friend to help me get her in the car for the ride to the hospital. She ranted and raved the whole way. After she was checked in, she seemed to settle down so I thought she would be OK.
In the middle of the night the hospital called me to say mom was having some kind of psychotic break and could I bring all the meds she had been taking. I gathered up everything I knew of, including the pot. The doctor didn't think any of those could be causing the pyschosis and asked if she was a drinker. As she had been living me and I did all the shopping I knew there was no alcohol involved. It was a puzzle.
Finally one of the sibs confessed there "may have been" some "mexican valium somewheres." After searching mom's purse, room and drawers I found an unlabeled bottle of small blue pills. I took them to the hospital but never really found out what they were or how she got them.
The pyschotic episode passed and mom was admitted to a skilled nursing home as she required more care than I could give. Very nice place and close to home for me. She seemed happy there. One year later she died. You can guess the insanity of next few days as I was dealing with a funeral and meth freaking sibs!
Anyway, I no longer feel guilty for not knowing what mom was up to but I do wonder if some of her crazy behavior was caused by the benzo's. I guess I just need to sort it out in my mind. Would the benzo's have caused the break? Was it marijuana withdrawal?
Any thoughts or ideas would be appreciated.
Thanks.
Love,
Lenina
I'll try to keep this rather long story short. The anniversary of my mother's death a few days ago had my brother and I talking and I realized I still had so many unanswered questions.
My mom and I never really got along. We were so different in every way. I was the oldest child and had a different father than my sibs. My step father and I never got along either, he was a functional psychotic, if you can imagine such a thing. I spent much of my childhood with my loving grandparents and had great aunts, uncles and other family who loved me. I was very lucky!
Anyway, when I got sober, on the advice of my sponsor and psychiatrist, I distanced myself from my mother and sibs as they were not a good influence on me. As I grew in sobriety I managed to put together a good life, advance in my career and in general was happy.
Eight years into sobriety, my step father suddenly died. My mom had no clue to finances and my meth addled sibs were of no help. They moved in with her and you can imagine the chaos that created! I got sucked back in to handle the business and tried to set things up for my mom so she wouldn't have to worry.
Mom was diagnosis with COPD among other things. She had to sell the house in order to pay the medical bills. Having no place else to go, she moved in with me. Not a good idea but it seemed to be the only choice. I was able to arrange my schedule to be home more to care for her but still had to be out of town one night a week for work.
Since the sibs were over 100 miles away, they didn't cause as much chaos but I soon found out one of them was sending mom marijuana in the mail! To my house addressed to me! To say I was annoyed would be an understatement! Mom had never been a drinker or to my knowledge a drug user so I accepted the pot smoking as a medical thing for her. I did have her smoke on the back porch as I worried about second smoke (I am drug tested at work on a random basis) and set up a nice little area for her.
The sibs visited only once in a while and I got them a hotel room nearby. It seemed a good arrangement.
One night, mom got very sick and I had to take her to the hospital. She threw a huge fit that required me to get a male friend to help me get her in the car for the ride to the hospital. She ranted and raved the whole way. After she was checked in, she seemed to settle down so I thought she would be OK.
In the middle of the night the hospital called me to say mom was having some kind of psychotic break and could I bring all the meds she had been taking. I gathered up everything I knew of, including the pot. The doctor didn't think any of those could be causing the pyschosis and asked if she was a drinker. As she had been living me and I did all the shopping I knew there was no alcohol involved. It was a puzzle.
Finally one of the sibs confessed there "may have been" some "mexican valium somewheres." After searching mom's purse, room and drawers I found an unlabeled bottle of small blue pills. I took them to the hospital but never really found out what they were or how she got them.
The pyschotic episode passed and mom was admitted to a skilled nursing home as she required more care than I could give. Very nice place and close to home for me. She seemed happy there. One year later she died. You can guess the insanity of next few days as I was dealing with a funeral and meth freaking sibs!
Anyway, I no longer feel guilty for not knowing what mom was up to but I do wonder if some of her crazy behavior was caused by the benzo's. I guess I just need to sort it out in my mind. Would the benzo's have caused the break? Was it marijuana withdrawal?
Any thoughts or ideas would be appreciated.
Thanks.
Love,
Lenina
It really is insanity, isn’t it?
Come this December, it will be 3 years ago since I had major surgery and was in the hospital for 7 days. My mom had bought me the book by Alan Carr, and I was well past the physical withdrawals of nicotine when I was discharged.
I remember getting my clothes out to put on, and I thought they stunk so bad from the stale smoke.
Day 2 at home, I think I need to 'test' myself and go out on the back porch, took two drags, and damned near threw up.
Needless to say, it was that first one that got me started right back up again.
I truly admire all of you who have quit and/or are trying.
I remember getting my clothes out to put on, and I thought they stunk so bad from the stale smoke.
Day 2 at home, I think I need to 'test' myself and go out on the back porch, took two drags, and damned near threw up.
Needless to say, it was that first one that got me started right back up again.
I truly admire all of you who have quit and/or are trying.
Five hour meeting…
hi -
Got up this morning, headed out to the front porch...
USUALLY-
I sit in the sun, and let the pain medication start it's work for the day,
Have a cup of coffee, read the 'Daily Meditations For Women' while I wait...
... while looking across Butte and the Continental Divide.
but THIS morning ...
I step out, coffee and Hazledon book in hand...
and the neighbor's abf is yarking off her front porch.
(our porches are barely fifteen feet away from each other)
:yikes: EEEEEEK-a-lah!
*and a good morning to YOU, too, I say!*
So I spun on my heel, and went back inside.
And went to my BACK porch to have my coffee and 'greet the day'.
I picked up the phone and called my neighbor
(mty back porch faces her house across the alley)
and asked her if she was going to a meeting today.
And could I hitch a ride.
I haven't been to a meeting in a month or so ...
and really, I wasn't even aware I was doing it
but I've been 'around' long enough to know there must be a reason.
okfine.
So I go back out to the front porch later in the morning -
figuring the coast was clear, right?
And I step out into the morning sunshine
and witness a very verbal quite abusive eviction
of the woman across the street.
Who is also active in her addiction.
I'm teetering on the reality myself
(possible eviction and all that)
and to witness the thing like that ...
didn't take much to feel the makings of a cave-in, you know?
oh yeah. Need a meeting.
what a coincidence - I've already arranged a ride.
I'm already GOING...
So I go -
it's a good meeting...
a woman there had her week-old baby...
and I'd calmed down and centered before they even read the Promises.
Funny how that is, isn't it?
So anyway, yadda yadda meeting...
get home ...
and people proceed to come visit.
One after the other.
It was so amazing, really.
I was in continual company until about five o'clock
when a friend said I looked tired and they should go.
and it was like the meeting never really broke up.
I told 'em about what had happened in the morning...
I mean, right at my front step were CONSEQUENCES of alcoholism.
man ya-hooing off the front porch
and a woman getting evicted.
WIth much drama volume obscenity and ... drama.
Nothing like a divine reminder that THAT life can be had again ...
It's always only one drink away.
I spent the entire day so very unspeakably grateful
that that is not my life any more.
*pause*
I'm grateful to be sober.
And I'm grateful to be here.
:ghug
Got up this morning, headed out to the front porch...
USUALLY-
I sit in the sun, and let the pain medication start it's work for the day,
Have a cup of coffee, read the 'Daily Meditations For Women' while I wait...
... while looking across Butte and the Continental Divide.
but THIS morning ...
I step out, coffee and Hazledon book in hand...
and the neighbor's abf is yarking off her front porch.
(our porches are barely fifteen feet away from each other)
:yikes: EEEEEEK-a-lah!
*and a good morning to YOU, too, I say!*
So I spun on my heel, and went back inside.
And went to my BACK porch to have my coffee and 'greet the day'.
I picked up the phone and called my neighbor
(mty back porch faces her house across the alley)
and asked her if she was going to a meeting today.
And could I hitch a ride.
I haven't been to a meeting in a month or so ...
and really, I wasn't even aware I was doing it
but I've been 'around' long enough to know there must be a reason.
okfine.
So I go back out to the front porch later in the morning -
figuring the coast was clear, right?
And I step out into the morning sunshine
and witness a very verbal quite abusive eviction
of the woman across the street.
Who is also active in her addiction.
I'm teetering on the reality myself
(possible eviction and all that)
and to witness the thing like that ...
didn't take much to feel the makings of a cave-in, you know?
oh yeah. Need a meeting.
what a coincidence - I've already arranged a ride.
I'm already GOING...
So I go -
it's a good meeting...
a woman there had her week-old baby...
and I'd calmed down and centered before they even read the Promises.
Funny how that is, isn't it?
So anyway, yadda yadda meeting...
get home ...
and people proceed to come visit.
One after the other.
It was so amazing, really.
I was in continual company until about five o'clock
when a friend said I looked tired and they should go.
and it was like the meeting never really broke up.
I told 'em about what had happened in the morning...
I mean, right at my front step were CONSEQUENCES of alcoholism.
man ya-hooing off the front porch
and a woman getting evicted.
WIth much drama volume obscenity and ... drama.
Nothing like a divine reminder that THAT life can be had again ...
It's always only one drink away.
I spent the entire day so very unspeakably grateful
that that is not my life any more.
*pause*
I'm grateful to be sober.
And I'm grateful to be here.
:ghug
Popping back in to read and say hello
Hello!
I havent been posting, but have been reading here some, I dont have regular access to a computer at the moment, so that makes it difficult (says the dummy who signed up for a fulltime class load, all of them online course!) I will have a computer once my student loan money comes in a week or so.
Anyhow. AH went about a month not drinking. In 6 weeks he'd only gone to three of his AA meetings (which were church sponsored and on Friday nights), and I could see as the weeks went on that he was fizzling out with becoming/staying sober.
Last weekend I went over to his apt and I noticed he was keeping his distance physically from me, which is so not him. I got close and smelled alcohol on him. I waited a while to figure out how to approach it and he came and sat next to me. I looked at him and asked"so, what are you drinking?" He says "nothing!" I give him that "come on, I'm not stupid, I can smell it on you" look and then he adds, "nothing - right now."Plus prior to this, I had found out that he had been talking to and visiting with his main drinking buddy. And he wasnt following through with anything he said he would do.
Which doesn't surprise me in the least but I gave him his chance and he didn't run with it. So, time to move on.
So, I said, "well, I've got to get going" and got up and left. And for a few days didnt talk to him at all. Then the other morning after my getting my kids off to school, I locked the doors and went back to bed for a while.
I wake up to someone touching me to wake me up which scared the living daylights out of me, since I knew the doors were locked!
He had climbed into a window on my back porch to get in.
So, he was all "I miss you sooooo much, you cant imagine how much I miss you." and all "I love you, I may be crazy and f'ed up mentally, but I love you like I've never known anyone else in my life" "I've been loving you for 1/2 my lifetime" and on and on. "Just let me hold you, let me hug you."
And I was mad at him for coming in unannounced through my window and mad at him for screwing up his last chance with our marriage, ect...just not feeling the love at all and he could tell.
Now he cant stop doing enough for me. Bought me a cell phone, fixed my car, gives me money, whatever I need/want.
And he wants to still act like we are an old married couple. But I'm done.
And he knows it. He's taken off his wedding ring again. And when he's hugging on me, I just cant bring on the loving feelings and sincerely hug back. He tells me he loves me and I have nothing to say in response.
I will always love him, always. But it's clear that he can not make me happy and in fact all he does is bring me down & keep me from making any positive forward progress with my life.
The last time he told me he loved me, I said "Well, you know I love you, but one of us has to end this roller coaster, merry-go-round ride cycle. I can not live like this anymore."
And that was that.
I'm feeling more and more like my feelings towards him are dead and gone for the most part. I'm remembering more of the bad now than of the good.
I'm sad and defeated feeling, but at the same time I guess I've come to accept that this is the way it is. He's not going to be changing anytime soon, his choice.
I'm feeling like I need to move to my own house/apt with my girls and leave this house we shared behind. I'm feeling like cleaning up all the clutter in my life and moving on. I'm sorry my husband gets left behind, but he's only dragging me down, keeping me in the cycle that gives me hope for a short while then shatters me all over again. Over and over.
I can not live that way any longer, its just crazy-making.
I'm in week three of the four week hiring process at the hospital I interviewed at, I am praying by the end of the month I'll be a nurse there, which will help greatly in the dependency on AH dept.
I can't wait to work and earn my own money & pay my own bills and not have to be dependent on AH. I know that will help my moving on process a whole bunch.
Meanwhile I'm doing my school work (going on to get my RN degree) and just trying to get to the end of the day without the world falling apart!
I havent been posting, but have been reading here some, I dont have regular access to a computer at the moment, so that makes it difficult (says the dummy who signed up for a fulltime class load, all of them online course!) I will have a computer once my student loan money comes in a week or so.
Anyhow. AH went about a month not drinking. In 6 weeks he'd only gone to three of his AA meetings (which were church sponsored and on Friday nights), and I could see as the weeks went on that he was fizzling out with becoming/staying sober.
Last weekend I went over to his apt and I noticed he was keeping his distance physically from me, which is so not him. I got close and smelled alcohol on him. I waited a while to figure out how to approach it and he came and sat next to me. I looked at him and asked"so, what are you drinking?" He says "nothing!" I give him that "come on, I'm not stupid, I can smell it on you" look and then he adds, "nothing - right now."Plus prior to this, I had found out that he had been talking to and visiting with his main drinking buddy. And he wasnt following through with anything he said he would do.
Which doesn't surprise me in the least but I gave him his chance and he didn't run with it. So, time to move on.
So, I said, "well, I've got to get going" and got up and left. And for a few days didnt talk to him at all. Then the other morning after my getting my kids off to school, I locked the doors and went back to bed for a while.
I wake up to someone touching me to wake me up which scared the living daylights out of me, since I knew the doors were locked!
He had climbed into a window on my back porch to get in.
So, he was all "I miss you sooooo much, you cant imagine how much I miss you." and all "I love you, I may be crazy and f'ed up mentally, but I love you like I've never known anyone else in my life" "I've been loving you for 1/2 my lifetime" and on and on. "Just let me hold you, let me hug you."
And I was mad at him for coming in unannounced through my window and mad at him for screwing up his last chance with our marriage, ect...just not feeling the love at all and he could tell.
Now he cant stop doing enough for me. Bought me a cell phone, fixed my car, gives me money, whatever I need/want.
And he wants to still act like we are an old married couple. But I'm done.
And he knows it. He's taken off his wedding ring again. And when he's hugging on me, I just cant bring on the loving feelings and sincerely hug back. He tells me he loves me and I have nothing to say in response.
I will always love him, always. But it's clear that he can not make me happy and in fact all he does is bring me down & keep me from making any positive forward progress with my life.
The last time he told me he loved me, I said "Well, you know I love you, but one of us has to end this roller coaster, merry-go-round ride cycle. I can not live like this anymore."
And that was that.
I'm feeling more and more like my feelings towards him are dead and gone for the most part. I'm remembering more of the bad now than of the good.
I'm sad and defeated feeling, but at the same time I guess I've come to accept that this is the way it is. He's not going to be changing anytime soon, his choice.
I'm feeling like I need to move to my own house/apt with my girls and leave this house we shared behind. I'm feeling like cleaning up all the clutter in my life and moving on. I'm sorry my husband gets left behind, but he's only dragging me down, keeping me in the cycle that gives me hope for a short while then shatters me all over again. Over and over.
I can not live that way any longer, its just crazy-making.
I'm in week three of the four week hiring process at the hospital I interviewed at, I am praying by the end of the month I'll be a nurse there, which will help greatly in the dependency on AH dept.
I can't wait to work and earn my own money & pay my own bills and not have to be dependent on AH. I know that will help my moving on process a whole bunch.
Meanwhile I'm doing my school work (going on to get my RN degree) and just trying to get to the end of the day without the world falling apart!
