Drug Rehab Options Blog

Hi everyone. I havent been posting much lately but I continue to read a lot and I continue to inspired by everyone here, from the newcomers who are looking to change their lives to the people who have years of experience, I get E,S and H from all of you and it helps me to get through the day. So thank you very much.

I am doing ok, I have only drank a few times in the last two months, which is still not complete abstinence but it is better than drinking everyday, and I feel that I am continuing to make progress towards complete sobriety.

Im taking a break from the job search until the holidays are over, although I have to admit that I have not been too serious about the job search in the past but I plan to change that and really try to find at least a part time job.

Im on a new medicine and it really helps my moods and energy level when I take it as prescribed, but it is so hard not to take more than the prescribed dose, just to catch a little buzz, I hate how difficult it is to be good with it. But I must take it as prescribed or it isnt going to work long term and I really dont want to mess this up, I've made too many bad decisions in the past and I really need to start doing what I know is best for me. But again, the temptation is so freakin hard to fight. Today I took the prescribed amount, and I will not take anymore until tommorrow.

Thanks and happy holidays. :) :Xmasha

:sorry I have had a lot on my mind lately, but is stuff i feel like I would get in trouble for if i had to admit it to someone who knew me. I know that sounds silly - but think of it like someone with a closet problem. I'm 27 years old and I have made some very bad decisions. I see a therapist less frequently as things appear to be getting better and more stable. I'm on anti-depressants and have family history of depression. I also have family history of alcoholism.

I wouldn't consider myself an alcoholic, but I know that is exactly the problem for most people - they wouldn't say they are when they are. I don't drink very often anymore, maybe once every month or two. Sometimes when I do it prompts me to keep going until I am drunk. I guess that sounds normal but in retrospect I have made some very bad decisions that wind up with me doing something very wrong once I'm drunk. I'm not talking about anything violent or harmful to people but I lack all judgement when it comes to anything and steal or vandalize things. When I look back, there was no reason for it. I don't know why I did it.

How can I solve the problem if I don't know what it is? How can I find the reasons for my actions when I just don't know why I made them? I am scared that I will never be able to fix the problem and live a normal happy life. I'm scared of making mistakes forever.

Well, nothing changes if nothing changes. And Trevor keeps on doing the same thing. But, *I* don't! :>)

My nephew came home from Japan and Germany recently. Trevor and I were to see him today for the first time in two years. He was supposed to come to my house on Saturday, but, chose not to. Last night, he called and said he would meet me here today, with his g/f and her kids.

I will no longer allow the g/f and kids at my house. On three occassions, she, Trevor and the children have trashed my house, and left it a mess for me to clean up, while I was at my mom's house. Food, dishes, laundry, toys; a total pigsty! And she went into my clothes drawers and wore my things! And she dropped Trevor off here the last time he OD'd too; drove him to my house from the city, only to call the neighbors, to call the ambulance, to bring him -- yes -- to the city to the hospital! :a043:
I told her then never to come back to my house. I've had enough of the nonsense.

Well, I got a call today at my mom's, where we were to meet my nephew. Trevor was stopped by the police in Mass. He was driving. He has no liscense. He has outstanding warrents in Mass. He wanted me to drop everything and come and rescue the g/f's kids. Said they would go to DCYF (child services) if I didn't. I said "no."

I'm very sorry for him, her and her kids. I had nothing to do with any of it. The two of them made very bad decisions, and have to live with the consequences of them. I was here to see my nephew, and that's what I did.

We had a nice visit. Had lunch; went for a walk on the beach; talked up a storm and look forward to see each other on Thanksgiving. He hopes Trevor will be with us on Thansgiving as well; was sorry to miss him; and sent his best to him. The kid's got class. :a194:

In the past, I would have been running around on my day off. I would have missed my visit with my nephew. I would have been stuck with two young children, and heaven only knows what I would have done with them tomorrow when I had to go to work! (Trevor said to drop them at their house; well, what if no one was home??? No thanks! I cannot take that responsibility, and I do not want it. And besides, something else was fishy; since *he* was the one who was caught driving without a liscense, there was no reason *she* couldn't have taken her kids away...nope! Something's wrong here, and I want *no* part of it!) Anyway, I digress...in the past, I would have fully resented missing out on my plans; and I would have been tired and cranky. Instead, I let the chips fall where they may.

I followed through with my own plans, and had a wonderful day.
It's good taking care of me. :Dance7:

Shalom!

Hi Everyone-

I've been reading this site and others for a few years as my husband of 17 yrs. is an alcohol and drug addict. Crack addict to be exact. We married young (18) and we have a 13 yr. old son. We are now seperated for the 5th or 6th time, I've lost count. That's so sad. I have done alot of soul searching these last few weeks and realize our marriage has no substance or truth to it. I am so very codependent but I'm working on that each day. My husband has been chronically unemployed for years. He would be at a job from 2-6 months and that's about it. I finally moved home with my mother and when I did that he lived behing a gas station in a tent in the woods until he got the job he has now. He is a truck driver and pretty much lives in his truck.
I have been in denial about alot of stuff for a LONG time. I used to hold out hope for him but I don't have any hope left. I am in the process of detatching from him and the getting rid of the need to know what's going on in his life because if the past serves me right he's probably up to nothing good. He has really caused me lots of heartache and headaches over the years. I've given him chance after chance and he still makes bad decisions all the time and he is a pathological liar very bad.

He was supposed to come in town for a couple of days, he has court for a drunkeness charge later this week. He is right now as I type this on a crack/alcohol binge instead of coming here for a little down time and to spend time with his family. We are all he had besides the streets, his own family has NOTHING and I mean nothing to do with him. I'm just SOOOO....... very tired of his addictions, issues, and problems. He has so many you wouldn't even know where to start. We have a very unhealthy relationship and I'm just starting to realize how very unhealthy it is. I can't have expectations out of him because he will alwatys let me down. How is it possible to love someone and hate them at the same time? I do.

I have hung in with this marriage for way to long and now it's time to leave it in the past so I can see what awaits me in the future. It's kinda weird the way I'm feeling right now. I still love him but in a way like he's my son's father and I hope he hits his bottom sooner than later but not really wanting to be in any kind of relationship with him, not even friends. I guess you could say I'm letting go and damn it feels go to let all this BS go. Everything I've been worried about is his problems and I'm tired of him and his addictions/issues/problems.
Ok now I feel like I'm rambling so I'll close this one for now. I'm really just looking for some support and suggestions for detatchment. I know I'm doing the right thing but it still hurts and is hard but my son and I are more important than that and we deserve better. He can go throw his crumbs to someone else.

I feel very thankful to have a supportive and half way normal family. I'm going to see if I can find a codependent or al-anon meeting to go to. Maybe that will help. Thanks for reading and for sharing yourselves over the years. I've learned ALOT from the members of this site which is what got me into all this soul searching lately. About time!!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes I wonder about it too hard
Thoughts as long as yards
with the angst in my heart

Telling me to wise up, see clearly
Anymore he rarely comes near me
But I care deeply and dearly
And truth is a fear, we

Avoid in denial, but go thru personal trial,
Making up reasons to hold on to the feelings a while

A thousand reasons why not to,
And not one to debate
Swear the desire is so strong
Its less distracting to hate

He's the wave at the shore
In and out with the tide
I'm the sand washing loose
He takes my will for a ride

I'm smarter and better and truer than that
I know better too
I've helped quite a few

So why am I swirling with my mind all a mess
I'd be better somehow
If my eyeballs were inward for now

I'm co-drawn for some reason
can't co-figure it out
Obsessing frustrating
Drowning in all my self doubt

Awareness is here
And I hope it will stay
Protect me from stupidity
Help me get thru the day

Just one night of sleep without
Wondering what if
he did one thing or another
Would it make a big diff?

But its not up to him
Its my own weird illusion
feeling fear and rejection
At the thought i would lose him

But the funny thing is
I never had him to lose
He doesnt have himself
There's nothing here to choose

If I had the last wish
I'd help both him and me
To start all over
Drama washed out to sea

Need to look beyond these walls
Find someone new to see
Who is waitin and ready
Just focused on me

Heard he lost his job in the wake of long rehab-ernation, and is upset
like a waking bear that is growing impatient

He must deal with the aftermath of life long bad decisions
Comforted and helped by sobers, sponsor and physicians

New existence at SoberLiving now with a watchful eye
But he doesn't want me to help
I still ask myself why

Cause I'm here but invisible to his new sober mind
His focus is narrow and forward, he no longer looks behind

Where I am sitting and waiting for him to turn around
And see me, as I say something full of love and profound

But he's deaf to my voice and blind to my heart
the lack of attention just tears me apart

Its caring and love, right?
Just in these desperate times
Co-needy
Co-wanty
Co-scary-- are these signs

I see how its co-different I'm no longer myself
I've taken my life and stuck it up in a box on a shelf
I labeled it "misc" nothing important in there
It was much more important to gear my mind to prepare

A plan to create my happily ever after
With a man whose only six weeks past his last toxic disaster

He has so little to offer, yet I want to have all I can
He has no home of his own, no job, no money, no long term plan

No security, and no fidelity
To offer that I can see
And no sobriety yet
let alone any love for me.

His father is deceased, he's estranged from his mother, has not resolved these things---not ready to love another

I know I know I know....my head has had enough...
My brain knows i need to move on....
but my heart just needs to catch up.

One foot in front of the other
One day at a time
Cant cure or control it
Read and acknowledge the signs

Let go of resentment and hurt
Know what detachment is about
Its time to take the box off the shelf
And let myself out.

Hi Everyone,

First post other than throwing out some hugs to someone in need. I have been a long time reader & currently on day 3 of my first attempt to really quit.

More of a binge drinker & then having those "gotta have a few cause I feel like crap" drinks the next day. I have tried & tried to have a couple of drinks & stop but it never works out (all or nothing kinda deal). The anxiety/withdrawal symptoms have been getting worse & worse and I am having a really hard time dealing with them (yes, I know that is the alcohol slowly killing me).

I'm in an industry that involves a lot of concerts & events and entertaining customers. The challenge is that I have a problem with anxiety & alcohol seems to really help to get me relaxed when I'm feeling nervous (I have bromazapam but it doesn't seem to do much anymore).

Anyway... I just wanted to get some of your thoughts on how you have dealt with your stress, anxiety and/or panic attacks while staying away from the booze. I know I need to see my doctor soon & let her know what is up. I have made some very bad decisions in the last couple of weeks due to drinking (and being hungover) & I need to make a change.

Congratulations to all of you who are going through the process & have quit drinking. All of the best in your recovery & I look forward to any & all thoughts/encouragement.

Take Care

****ETA..........my sponsor is feeling stuck with me as well and I'm not planning on forgoing a sponsor altogether, nor is she going to leave me hanging with out............ok :)


I love the sponsor I have, she's awesome. She does all those things that a sponsor is "generally" supposed to do and she sets a great example by doing her meetings, sharing, working the steps, working the steps with me and her other sponsees, yadda, yadda, yadda, all that good stuff.

I believe we're stuck. I talked to her last night and she feels like she can't help me any more and I feel like maybe I need someone that can relate a little more to my life. She's 24, no kids, never been married, I'm 38, been married twice and have two kids. Our family back grounds are different and then there's the "amends" thing.........we don't see eye to eye on that at all.

I know there are people that I need to do amends to, I DO NOT have a long list of people but on that list is me, my two boys and then a couple of family and friends. My mom is not one of them, my sponsor thinks she should be.

My mom since I last talked to her when talking about the "past" has told me that the only person she needs to answer to is God. My mom uses, has since I was little and has done some really rotten things and she lives in THAT place. ME??? I don't think I'd be all that fair to my kids if I blew off my bad decisions and told them "well, Mom only has to answer to God" and left them to deal with their feelings and put it all on them so I don't have to be responsible or accountable. Just one example, my bong put a bong in my hands when I was 8 years old and told me to "smoke this, it'll show you what life is really like" and then it went on to other things as I got older like flirting with her husband (BS!!!!!!!) and then one of her X's hitting on me when I was 15 and telling me more BS that "well, if you weren't so nice to him......." I mean, I think she's an @ss. I don't feel like I owe that woman any amends and at the same time to keep my sanity I don't talk to her right now. I just got out of rehab and I need to get myself settled and then my boys and my relationship with them.

I guess this is a vent more than anything. I'm just looking for insight too??? Am I making sense? I know everyone is different and we all have different things on our plate but my sponsor and I just aren't on the same page any more.