Archive for the ‘Bad Dreams’ tag
It’s the anxiety that does me in… PLEASE READ!!!!
(I now have 45 hours under my belt!!!!!)
I haven't had the shakes, very little dry heaving... I am keeping in Gatorade and yogurt and juice and am looking forward to cooking at my moms tonight... yes, my heart has raced a bit... but no where NEAR pass out levels... I am able to drive, take care of my kids, talk on the phone, take a shower.... no tinglies or bad dreams... hallucinations....
In my HEAD I know I only drank for 5 days and I wasn't chugging vodka or tequila 24 hours a day... I had maybe 30 mini-wines (which trust me, I know isn't so hot) but I have detoxed from WAY worse.... I know I am going to be alright in the sense I am not going to hallucinate or seize up... given the time under my belt already.... I know the Ativan will stop seizures and so on....
SO WHY WHY WHY do I sit here reading up on DT's and freaking that I am going to die tonight?
I HATE feeling like this.... and the sedative in the ativan makes it worse... the dry mouth, larthargy, headaches, and so on....
I haven't had the shakes, very little dry heaving... I am keeping in Gatorade and yogurt and juice and am looking forward to cooking at my moms tonight... yes, my heart has raced a bit... but no where NEAR pass out levels... I am able to drive, take care of my kids, talk on the phone, take a shower.... no tinglies or bad dreams... hallucinations....
In my HEAD I know I only drank for 5 days and I wasn't chugging vodka or tequila 24 hours a day... I had maybe 30 mini-wines (which trust me, I know isn't so hot) but I have detoxed from WAY worse.... I know I am going to be alright in the sense I am not going to hallucinate or seize up... given the time under my belt already.... I know the Ativan will stop seizures and so on....
SO WHY WHY WHY do I sit here reading up on DT's and freaking that I am going to die tonight?
I HATE feeling like this.... and the sedative in the ativan makes it worse... the dry mouth, larthargy, headaches, and so on....
21 months sober and miserable…
Hi everyone,
I'm new to the forum although I've been reading posts for a little while now. I've been sober for about 21 months but feel like I'm not doing so well. I'm not so afraid of falling off the wagon - I remember the bad times too vividly for that - but I feel miserable and lonely.
I often get anxiety, have bad dreams in which I'm either drinking or trying to sort out some drinking-related mess that I've caused and feel guilty and ashamed because of the things I did. I have a lovely boyfriend but I don't feel able to talk to him about any of this - partly because he put up with so much crap from me whilst I was drinking I don't want to remind him of it and don't feel it's fair. And I know that he doesn't like talking about it.
I've put on weight since I stopped drinking and feel out of control with my eating. I put a happy face on it but I feel lost and feel like I've lost my confidence. I've read some other people's posts on this forum and 21 months in, I feel like I should be a lot more sorted. I don't think AA is for me as I don't share the beliefs behind it so don't think this is the answer. No offence intended to those that do - it's just not what I feel.
I still feel like drinking is always the elephant in the room. I don't see how I will stop feeling like this. Thanks for reading this - any advice and support you can offer would be appreciated. Thank you.
I'm new to the forum although I've been reading posts for a little while now. I've been sober for about 21 months but feel like I'm not doing so well. I'm not so afraid of falling off the wagon - I remember the bad times too vividly for that - but I feel miserable and lonely.
I often get anxiety, have bad dreams in which I'm either drinking or trying to sort out some drinking-related mess that I've caused and feel guilty and ashamed because of the things I did. I have a lovely boyfriend but I don't feel able to talk to him about any of this - partly because he put up with so much crap from me whilst I was drinking I don't want to remind him of it and don't feel it's fair. And I know that he doesn't like talking about it.
I've put on weight since I stopped drinking and feel out of control with my eating. I put a happy face on it but I feel lost and feel like I've lost my confidence. I've read some other people's posts on this forum and 21 months in, I feel like I should be a lot more sorted. I don't think AA is for me as I don't share the beliefs behind it so don't think this is the answer. No offence intended to those that do - it's just not what I feel.
I still feel like drinking is always the elephant in the room. I don't see how I will stop feeling like this. Thanks for reading this - any advice and support you can offer would be appreciated. Thank you.
Dreams that hurt …
I'm having a real problem with dreams.
I WAS getting some relief from the pain and heartache at least while I was sleeping, but lately, my dreams are hurting me just as much as the daytime thoughts and doubts - maybe even more.
The problem is not bad dreams - it's actually the exact opposite. I am having VERY REALISTIC FEELING dreams about things going the way I wish they would. For example, last night, I dreamed that I woke up to find my ex had come home - he was cooking me breakfast and when I asked what he was doing here, he apologized for all the hurtful things he'd done to me, and began to actually DO things to make it right - fixing things he'd broken, being thoughtful like he used to be, etc. It was basically like a normal day ... how things SHOULD have been, how they COULD be ... how I WANT them to be. It felt so real ... I was so happy ... and then, I woke up ... I actually LOOKED for him - that is how real the dream felt. When the realization that it was just a dream hit, it was the most intense pain flooding back. It was the kind of pain that I felt when I found out he had a new girlfriend - my heart shattered and I became a sobbing mess. I had to go back to sleep for a few hours just to get the pain to go away.
This is not the first time ... this has been happening almost every day for the past week - today's was just the most intense and affected me the most dramatically. It's like he doesn't even have to be here to continue to hurt me. During the day, I consciously try to talk myself out of moments of sadness and pain - I force myself to see the reality - I journal, I just distract myself sometimes - but I cannot stop the dreams - by the time I realize what is happening, it's too late - I'm awake and the hurt slams me into reality.
I have often had dreams like this, and they often are about things that didn't go as I wanted, and I re-create the outcome I wanted in my dreams ... I've also had dreams before (many years ago and nothing related to what is going on here) that felt so real that I woke up believing whatever I dreamed had actually happened ... but nothing like this ... not the combination of the two ...
Now, I'm not getting any reprieve from my pain ... I go from hurt to numb to hurt again ... and now, to add insult to injury, I'm ecstatically happy only to have that happiness ripped away from me when I wake up ... it's like a fresh heartbreak every morning that this happens.
I wonder ... has anyone else experienced this before? Does anyone have any suggestions on what (if anything) I can do to prevent this from happening? I am dealing with enough already without feeling as though my heart has been freshly ripped out of my chest each morning when I realize that everything I've dreamed has NOT happened, that he is still gone, that he isn't sorry, and that he doesn't love me ... and the very real feeling of happiness quickly evaporates and I'm filled with unbearable grief all over again ...
:abcb:
I feel like I'm very close to losing my mind ...
I WAS getting some relief from the pain and heartache at least while I was sleeping, but lately, my dreams are hurting me just as much as the daytime thoughts and doubts - maybe even more.
The problem is not bad dreams - it's actually the exact opposite. I am having VERY REALISTIC FEELING dreams about things going the way I wish they would. For example, last night, I dreamed that I woke up to find my ex had come home - he was cooking me breakfast and when I asked what he was doing here, he apologized for all the hurtful things he'd done to me, and began to actually DO things to make it right - fixing things he'd broken, being thoughtful like he used to be, etc. It was basically like a normal day ... how things SHOULD have been, how they COULD be ... how I WANT them to be. It felt so real ... I was so happy ... and then, I woke up ... I actually LOOKED for him - that is how real the dream felt. When the realization that it was just a dream hit, it was the most intense pain flooding back. It was the kind of pain that I felt when I found out he had a new girlfriend - my heart shattered and I became a sobbing mess. I had to go back to sleep for a few hours just to get the pain to go away.
This is not the first time ... this has been happening almost every day for the past week - today's was just the most intense and affected me the most dramatically. It's like he doesn't even have to be here to continue to hurt me. During the day, I consciously try to talk myself out of moments of sadness and pain - I force myself to see the reality - I journal, I just distract myself sometimes - but I cannot stop the dreams - by the time I realize what is happening, it's too late - I'm awake and the hurt slams me into reality.
I have often had dreams like this, and they often are about things that didn't go as I wanted, and I re-create the outcome I wanted in my dreams ... I've also had dreams before (many years ago and nothing related to what is going on here) that felt so real that I woke up believing whatever I dreamed had actually happened ... but nothing like this ... not the combination of the two ...
Now, I'm not getting any reprieve from my pain ... I go from hurt to numb to hurt again ... and now, to add insult to injury, I'm ecstatically happy only to have that happiness ripped away from me when I wake up ... it's like a fresh heartbreak every morning that this happens.
I wonder ... has anyone else experienced this before? Does anyone have any suggestions on what (if anything) I can do to prevent this from happening? I am dealing with enough already without feeling as though my heart has been freshly ripped out of my chest each morning when I realize that everything I've dreamed has NOT happened, that he is still gone, that he isn't sorry, and that he doesn't love me ... and the very real feeling of happiness quickly evaporates and I'm filled with unbearable grief all over again ...
:abcb:
I feel like I'm very close to losing my mind ...
God, what the &@*#$ is the deal with the DREAMS!!!
It's funny, I don't know any other childhood so it seems like it wasn't really bad. I figure everybody has some issues from their parents to get over. My dad happened to like drinking a lot, was never angry, didn't hit me or beat me or any other type of abuse and by all accounts was a good dad.
I somehow feel the need to separate myself from the people who had it really bad and maybe I gotta figure out why. As an adult, I had the best childhood of my wife and either parent so I never complained, now I see all the ways I modified my behavior due to the people in my life.
My ex had an extremely abusive childhood, she would sometimes wake up and tell me she had bad dreams and I knew that meant she'd be pretty off for a day or two.
I have set limits for my alcoholic father and the results has been that I'm currently not talking to either parent but now I keep having dreams about this crap.
The one I just woke up from was a typical situation, mom talking about wanting to leave and the timing being wrong, dad sorta flaunting his control and her lack of self esteem needed to make a healthy choice. There was also some of the "dads drunk" will you fill the roll of husband in my life and "mom's mad" will you be my buddy so I'm not lonely until I'm drunk enough to not care.
Anyway, what is the deal with the dreams? I really could do without them. This just started and really puts a foul smell to your mornings!
I somehow feel the need to separate myself from the people who had it really bad and maybe I gotta figure out why. As an adult, I had the best childhood of my wife and either parent so I never complained, now I see all the ways I modified my behavior due to the people in my life.
My ex had an extremely abusive childhood, she would sometimes wake up and tell me she had bad dreams and I knew that meant she'd be pretty off for a day or two.
I have set limits for my alcoholic father and the results has been that I'm currently not talking to either parent but now I keep having dreams about this crap.
The one I just woke up from was a typical situation, mom talking about wanting to leave and the timing being wrong, dad sorta flaunting his control and her lack of self esteem needed to make a healthy choice. There was also some of the "dads drunk" will you fill the roll of husband in my life and "mom's mad" will you be my buddy so I'm not lonely until I'm drunk enough to not care.
Anyway, what is the deal with the dreams? I really could do without them. This just started and really puts a foul smell to your mornings!
New here
Hi all,
I'm happy to be here, and hope that the wisdom of others will help me through this. After having a physical found that my liver enzymes are high. They did ultra sound, and hep tests. I have fatty liver, but no signs of cirrhosis, thank goodness. I was told by my doctor that I needed to cut back to one drink per night. He's a realist and didn't tell me to quit completely. He also said to switch to a drink that I can't stand. I have switched to gin, nasty stuff, and have cut my drinking by about 75%. Sunday, I'll be down to two drinks.
When I started with reduction I started having horrible night sweats, itchy, bad dreams, insomnia, etc. I assume this is a normal part of the process. Uncomfortable, but necessary. I feel much better during the day, other than being exhausted from not sleeping, so that's a start. I've lost a few pounds, which is extra incentive. I know I can do this.
I've been self medicating for way too long, and it's time to stop!
I hope to find much information, and some tips and advice.
Have a splendid day!
I'm happy to be here, and hope that the wisdom of others will help me through this. After having a physical found that my liver enzymes are high. They did ultra sound, and hep tests. I have fatty liver, but no signs of cirrhosis, thank goodness. I was told by my doctor that I needed to cut back to one drink per night. He's a realist and didn't tell me to quit completely. He also said to switch to a drink that I can't stand. I have switched to gin, nasty stuff, and have cut my drinking by about 75%. Sunday, I'll be down to two drinks.
When I started with reduction I started having horrible night sweats, itchy, bad dreams, insomnia, etc. I assume this is a normal part of the process. Uncomfortable, but necessary. I feel much better during the day, other than being exhausted from not sleeping, so that's a start. I've lost a few pounds, which is extra incentive. I know I can do this.
I've been self medicating for way too long, and it's time to stop!
I hope to find much information, and some tips and advice.
Have a splendid day!
Only twelve hours to go!
In twelve hours time I will hit the 96 hours sober, and although i have done this many times before if you have read my other post 'My heartfelt thanks' it's because tis time was different.
I make a point of the 96 hours as from my understanding it's the average time it takes the body to detox (I understand that this varies massively for many people).
I awoke this morning after five hours sleep, which sounds not very much, I know, but after only getting 3 hours in the preceding 72 was heaven, given my pillow was soaked, but it was a deep sleep without any bad dreams.
I have mixed feelings about the day ahead, I know I won't have the urge to drink when at home but am dreading my first shoot (I am a cameraman) as the crew always want's to go drinking afterwards.
I think for the first month I will make my excuses but eventually I am going to have to face my demons and be able to go with them and order an orange juice and sparkling water.
Well early days here, and thanks for your support.
I make a point of the 96 hours as from my understanding it's the average time it takes the body to detox (I understand that this varies massively for many people).
I awoke this morning after five hours sleep, which sounds not very much, I know, but after only getting 3 hours in the preceding 72 was heaven, given my pillow was soaked, but it was a deep sleep without any bad dreams.
I have mixed feelings about the day ahead, I know I won't have the urge to drink when at home but am dreading my first shoot (I am a cameraman) as the crew always want's to go drinking afterwards.
I think for the first month I will make my excuses but eventually I am going to have to face my demons and be able to go with them and order an orange juice and sparkling water.
Well early days here, and thanks for your support.
Day 8: Battling the boredom and changing patterns
Made it through the first week of sobriety and celebrated with a nice cone of gelato last night. Those that have been through withdrawal know that sugar cravings come with it and it was a satisfying treat.
Boredom can be the enemy of a problem drinker. I find myself having to find different things to do to replace my trips to the bar, or sitting down and having beers. It is a new challenge but one that I am willingly embracing.
All the struggles of the past week; the mood swings, the bad dreams, the annoying eye twitches, will hopefully subside to a more tolerable level.
For all those out there struggling, be strong. We are in this together.
Boredom can be the enemy of a problem drinker. I find myself having to find different things to do to replace my trips to the bar, or sitting down and having beers. It is a new challenge but one that I am willingly embracing.
All the struggles of the past week; the mood swings, the bad dreams, the annoying eye twitches, will hopefully subside to a more tolerable level.
For all those out there struggling, be strong. We are in this together.
Day 4 sober: Multiple withdrawal symptoms
It's been 4 days now and I've experienced a few things that had been troubling me. I looked up alcohol withdrawal symptoms and sure enough they popped right out on the screen at me.
Depression
Fatigue
Bad Dreams (Nightmares)
Difficulty thinking clearly
Involuntary Eyelid Movement
The last one struck a chord as I've experienced this for a while now and never tied it to stopping and starting drinking.
Any suggestions to help combat some of these.
It is a long, hard road ahead.
Depression
Fatigue
Bad Dreams (Nightmares)
Difficulty thinking clearly
Involuntary Eyelid Movement
The last one struck a chord as I've experienced this for a while now and never tied it to stopping and starting drinking.
Any suggestions to help combat some of these.
It is a long, hard road ahead.
This is what happened when I let go.
Dear all,
It has been a while since I last posted and something has changed - me.
My ex is still my ex. The last time he contacted me via text he was still saying the same things...yes, nothing has changed for him. He is still doing the same things. Whether he has progressed or not I have no knowledge of and to be honest I don't want to know. The only thing I want to hear or will make myself available to hear is that he is clean and has been clean for at least 6 months. I realise I may have a long wait on my hands but I am ok with that as now that I am getting clean of him I can see how bad for me he is when in addiction.
In the last month I finally hit my bottom after swinging manically from emotion to emotion. I cried so much one day I was left with this indescribable feeling of nothingness/grief I have never felt before. I started taking anti depressants on the advice of my doctor which although I have now stopped did help me in the initial stages to just get through my day/pain/confusion/depression and of course sleep. I stopped taking them by accident when I went to the city and forgot to take them with me. It was in this moment that I realised I didn't need to neccesarily get anti-depressed but maybe anti-him, his life, his circle, his town...that I needed a "change" more than a "prescription" that I needed a "cure" and not a "painkiller".... a new life, a new start, as in essence I needed to be reborn if that makes sense.
In the space of a month I have been non-stop busy in doing my job here and on my off days going into the city to create my new life. I am really happy to say I have found a home, some work and already some potential opportunities for my own personal project. All of this positive change within just one month confirms for me that what I am doing is the right thing, it's like the universe is saying "don't be afraid".
I have been having some bad dreams about my ex and woken up with dread but I have not contacted him because I know what will happen. I am peace with how I dealed with him and when I look back through all the words I said to him again and again in every possible context (in case he didn't get it in any of the previous ones), all the worry I expressed, all the love I expressed, all the support I offered....well, you know what? Now when I re-read them it makes me wonder why I tried so long because it didn't help one bit.
The more I tried to love him and worry about him the less he loved and cared for himself. If I had not stopped contacting him we would both still be ill now. He IS still ill of course, I tho am in recovery and the longer I stay away from him the better I feel. I don't mean this to be nasty or hurt him but really when in addiction that is all he has to offer me so as much as I love him I have to love myself more, because in doing that I am actually loving him more than if I stayed and continued to condone it/accept it/try and force my will upon him.
My world is now expanding, my opportunities are growing, my sense of self worth is returning, my feeling of guilt and fear is diminishing, my thinking is becoming clearer. I am feeling stronger, happier, hopeful, alive, at peace. I no longer feel at sea but am making plans I know will materialise. I have order returning to my life. I wake up each morning and no longer feel alone. I go to bed and no longer place my hand on my heart and cry.... Really, I did this!
I didn't plan to act as I did (holding on) just as I am sure he didn't plan to relapse but in refusing to let go I can now see how sick his illness made me too. If you keep sticking around then you are as in denial and ill as them - FACT. That is why I know I can't speak to or hear from him until he is a clean man again. I have finally realised that this action is the most loving one I can give him - whatever the outcome.
It is really quite strange to feel so good after such a short time living apart (just over a month and a half), especially in light of how very, very depressed I was. I think it is probably because all the months that we lived together prior to splitting up (when he first started this new relapse) I was already wanting change - i.e out - but I didn't know how to as as much as i didn't like this new man I had grown to love him and that love outweighed any love I had for myself....pretty much the same as he is going through now I suppose with his addiction.
It took me completely detaching and going through all the pain of "withdrawal" from him to get here but it has been worth it because I am now healing. It is so easy to stay stuck in the cycle with them, as they are with their attempts (always for us) to get clean, but any repair when done for anyone other than themselves is never long term is it? Holding on means just that. If you are experiencing pain/mistrust/fear/anxiety then the more you hold on the more you will get......
I read and re-read the Let Me Fall stickie and eventually I did let go, for him - to finally feel my silence that actually is probably louder than anything I could ever have said, and for me - to finally find true courage if that makes sense cause we too need to be courageous. My silence may not be being felt yet but it will eventually and if it doesn't then I will know even more I did the right thing for me. It is not about being selfish but self preservation. If he chooses to destroy himself then that is his choice but I can't let him (or more to the point his addiction) destroy me too...
I really wanted to share this message of hope tonight for anyone who may still be in no mans land/limbo, feeling guilty. They may have gotten themselves to a place where they FEEL they have no choice left but you do even if you FEEL you don't.
:ghug
xxxx
It has been a while since I last posted and something has changed - me.
My ex is still my ex. The last time he contacted me via text he was still saying the same things...yes, nothing has changed for him. He is still doing the same things. Whether he has progressed or not I have no knowledge of and to be honest I don't want to know. The only thing I want to hear or will make myself available to hear is that he is clean and has been clean for at least 6 months. I realise I may have a long wait on my hands but I am ok with that as now that I am getting clean of him I can see how bad for me he is when in addiction.
In the last month I finally hit my bottom after swinging manically from emotion to emotion. I cried so much one day I was left with this indescribable feeling of nothingness/grief I have never felt before. I started taking anti depressants on the advice of my doctor which although I have now stopped did help me in the initial stages to just get through my day/pain/confusion/depression and of course sleep. I stopped taking them by accident when I went to the city and forgot to take them with me. It was in this moment that I realised I didn't need to neccesarily get anti-depressed but maybe anti-him, his life, his circle, his town...that I needed a "change" more than a "prescription" that I needed a "cure" and not a "painkiller".... a new life, a new start, as in essence I needed to be reborn if that makes sense.
In the space of a month I have been non-stop busy in doing my job here and on my off days going into the city to create my new life. I am really happy to say I have found a home, some work and already some potential opportunities for my own personal project. All of this positive change within just one month confirms for me that what I am doing is the right thing, it's like the universe is saying "don't be afraid".
I have been having some bad dreams about my ex and woken up with dread but I have not contacted him because I know what will happen. I am peace with how I dealed with him and when I look back through all the words I said to him again and again in every possible context (in case he didn't get it in any of the previous ones), all the worry I expressed, all the love I expressed, all the support I offered....well, you know what? Now when I re-read them it makes me wonder why I tried so long because it didn't help one bit.
The more I tried to love him and worry about him the less he loved and cared for himself. If I had not stopped contacting him we would both still be ill now. He IS still ill of course, I tho am in recovery and the longer I stay away from him the better I feel. I don't mean this to be nasty or hurt him but really when in addiction that is all he has to offer me so as much as I love him I have to love myself more, because in doing that I am actually loving him more than if I stayed and continued to condone it/accept it/try and force my will upon him.
My world is now expanding, my opportunities are growing, my sense of self worth is returning, my feeling of guilt and fear is diminishing, my thinking is becoming clearer. I am feeling stronger, happier, hopeful, alive, at peace. I no longer feel at sea but am making plans I know will materialise. I have order returning to my life. I wake up each morning and no longer feel alone. I go to bed and no longer place my hand on my heart and cry.... Really, I did this!
I didn't plan to act as I did (holding on) just as I am sure he didn't plan to relapse but in refusing to let go I can now see how sick his illness made me too. If you keep sticking around then you are as in denial and ill as them - FACT. That is why I know I can't speak to or hear from him until he is a clean man again. I have finally realised that this action is the most loving one I can give him - whatever the outcome.
It is really quite strange to feel so good after such a short time living apart (just over a month and a half), especially in light of how very, very depressed I was. I think it is probably because all the months that we lived together prior to splitting up (when he first started this new relapse) I was already wanting change - i.e out - but I didn't know how to as as much as i didn't like this new man I had grown to love him and that love outweighed any love I had for myself....pretty much the same as he is going through now I suppose with his addiction.
It took me completely detaching and going through all the pain of "withdrawal" from him to get here but it has been worth it because I am now healing. It is so easy to stay stuck in the cycle with them, as they are with their attempts (always for us) to get clean, but any repair when done for anyone other than themselves is never long term is it? Holding on means just that. If you are experiencing pain/mistrust/fear/anxiety then the more you hold on the more you will get......
I read and re-read the Let Me Fall stickie and eventually I did let go, for him - to finally feel my silence that actually is probably louder than anything I could ever have said, and for me - to finally find true courage if that makes sense cause we too need to be courageous. My silence may not be being felt yet but it will eventually and if it doesn't then I will know even more I did the right thing for me. It is not about being selfish but self preservation. If he chooses to destroy himself then that is his choice but I can't let him (or more to the point his addiction) destroy me too...
I really wanted to share this message of hope tonight for anyone who may still be in no mans land/limbo, feeling guilty. They may have gotten themselves to a place where they FEEL they have no choice left but you do even if you FEEL you don't.
:ghug
xxxx
