Archive for the ‘Bad Time’ tag
Not sure where I stand
September of 2007 I found alcoholics anonymous. I was in a very lonely stage of my young life, and had burnt bridges with most of the friends I'd had. I was drinking at a party and offered an old friend a drink, and he told me he didn't drink. We talked about it and next thing I new I was going to AA meetings and had completely renounced drinking. I had no withdrawals. I had no using dreams. To be completely honest, it wasn't that hard for me to quit and stay quit.
I lied to friends I made in the program about the amounts I used, exaggerating it to make sure I fit in with them. I'm sure some of them detected my bullshit. Don't get me wrong, I did my fair share of drinking, and my fair share of drug use. But there is one thing I never identified with in the definition of an alcoholic: the phenomenon of craving.
I feel that I have reached a crossroads; I can't continue the steps if I don't believe in the first step.
I don't want to leave AA because I want to go get ****** up. I honestly just believe that I found AA at a very bad time in my life that wasn't necessarily caused by drinking. why wouldn't I love AA? It was a place where people loved me. I didn't even have to say anything and people acted like they knew my whole story, and they felt sympathy for me.
So now I stand at a point where I feel that going to AA and proclaiming myself an alcoholic is a form of lying.
But for me, to leave AA is to lose my entire social circle. I can't convince one person in AA of my point of view. Every time I try to explain it, they shut down. "You're trying to convince yourself that you can drink like a gentleman."
I dont know. I am VERY young. I am 19 years old. I have never suffered from needing to drink daily and have never drank on a certain schedule. MAYBE it will develop into full blown alcoholism, but at least if that happens and I can't quit, I will know where to go.
i am just scared to lose all of my friends because of this.
but i feel that it's something i need to do,
even if I am lying to myself like they think I am, I'll never be able to work a program fully until I've hit a bottom right? I can't just skip the first step, and no matter how many times I write out definitions of powerlessness and unmanageability it doesn't sit well.
i still believe in god and want to base whatever life I lead around a strong connection with Him. I want to be of maximum usefulness to god and my fellows. I just don't feel that AA is the way for me to get there, considering the rule for membership.
ALSO:
i am in no way bashing on AA. I love AA and love the people I have met in AA. I've met so many generous, hardworking, and honest people that I can't count them all. I fully support the work that 12 step programs do for people.
I lied to friends I made in the program about the amounts I used, exaggerating it to make sure I fit in with them. I'm sure some of them detected my bullshit. Don't get me wrong, I did my fair share of drinking, and my fair share of drug use. But there is one thing I never identified with in the definition of an alcoholic: the phenomenon of craving.
I feel that I have reached a crossroads; I can't continue the steps if I don't believe in the first step.
I don't want to leave AA because I want to go get ****** up. I honestly just believe that I found AA at a very bad time in my life that wasn't necessarily caused by drinking. why wouldn't I love AA? It was a place where people loved me. I didn't even have to say anything and people acted like they knew my whole story, and they felt sympathy for me.
So now I stand at a point where I feel that going to AA and proclaiming myself an alcoholic is a form of lying.
But for me, to leave AA is to lose my entire social circle. I can't convince one person in AA of my point of view. Every time I try to explain it, they shut down. "You're trying to convince yourself that you can drink like a gentleman."
I dont know. I am VERY young. I am 19 years old. I have never suffered from needing to drink daily and have never drank on a certain schedule. MAYBE it will develop into full blown alcoholism, but at least if that happens and I can't quit, I will know where to go.
i am just scared to lose all of my friends because of this.
but i feel that it's something i need to do,
even if I am lying to myself like they think I am, I'll never be able to work a program fully until I've hit a bottom right? I can't just skip the first step, and no matter how many times I write out definitions of powerlessness and unmanageability it doesn't sit well.
i still believe in god and want to base whatever life I lead around a strong connection with Him. I want to be of maximum usefulness to god and my fellows. I just don't feel that AA is the way for me to get there, considering the rule for membership.
ALSO:
i am in no way bashing on AA. I love AA and love the people I have met in AA. I've met so many generous, hardworking, and honest people that I can't count them all. I fully support the work that 12 step programs do for people.
Update & Continued Prayer Request…
I want to thank everyone on this board for your prayers & support. My ABF (who I split up with a several months ago) has been through ALOT the past couple of months. We had split up twice before this, but this time I prayed really hard that if God wanted him in my life, to bring him back a 3rd & final time, but realizing he has an A problem. Well, he DID come back, and seems different....says he "hit bottom".....well....in my opinion, he is still drinking so he isn;t "quite there" yet.....but I feel God WORKING on SOMETHING :praying!!! It is just incredible. SLOW....God's time, not mine.....lol..ugh (I'm SO impatient!!) but WORKING.
Just today I was having a bad time, a job came to him that I at first thought would hurt our relationship ( the devil was working overtime on me, my imagination was going crazy).......and out of the blue a Christian ladyfriend of mine phoned & asked if everything was okay. She said she could not get me out of her mind today. SO....long story short, that phone call really helped put my mind back in prospective, and was clearly from GOD!!!!
Things are working out slowly......but so far my ABF isn't ready to deal with a DUI warrant from 2004........he just doesn't want to discuss it, and it scares me. He's afraid of the jail time (probably only 3-5 months, some possibly house arrest), and also says he doesn;t have $$ for the fines, so it's no use dealing with it.....:skillet
It does seem like there is no way out of his situation, yet I KNOW with God NOTHING is impossible!!
As for my life, I really need a life partner so badly. I long to be married again, and I do love this man.
So I'm asking all of you to continue to pray for my BF to realize he has to face this DUI from 2004. (If it is God's will). And more importantly, that he realizes he needs to FIND GOD in his life. We are living in such critical times!! His childhood was horrendous, so it's extremely difficult for him. But I DO believe God is working on him.
There is power in numbers, so please continue to pray for his & our situation. Thank you all for listening!!
Just today I was having a bad time, a job came to him that I at first thought would hurt our relationship ( the devil was working overtime on me, my imagination was going crazy).......and out of the blue a Christian ladyfriend of mine phoned & asked if everything was okay. She said she could not get me out of her mind today. SO....long story short, that phone call really helped put my mind back in prospective, and was clearly from GOD!!!!
Things are working out slowly......but so far my ABF isn't ready to deal with a DUI warrant from 2004........he just doesn't want to discuss it, and it scares me. He's afraid of the jail time (probably only 3-5 months, some possibly house arrest), and also says he doesn;t have $$ for the fines, so it's no use dealing with it.....:skillet
It does seem like there is no way out of his situation, yet I KNOW with God NOTHING is impossible!!
As for my life, I really need a life partner so badly. I long to be married again, and I do love this man.
So I'm asking all of you to continue to pray for my BF to realize he has to face this DUI from 2004. (If it is God's will). And more importantly, that he realizes he needs to FIND GOD in his life. We are living in such critical times!! His childhood was horrendous, so it's extremely difficult for him. But I DO believe God is working on him.
There is power in numbers, so please continue to pray for his & our situation. Thank you all for listening!!
