Archive for the ‘Beating My Head’ tag
hi I’m new here…
Boy do I feel like an idiot already- I don't know much about "posting" etc. so I tried posting something- and accidently posted it on the "new to recovery" site- I hope I didn't make people who are trying to quit angry. Because when I was writing- I put in there what I wanted to ask people in this section. I will try and be brief. I have lived with my addict boyfriend for three years. At first I thought he just "partied" too much. Then I found out cocaine was involved. Now- the past year- I know that he is useing oxycodone. I have done everything I can to support/help him. I am in therapy myself- learning how to cope. He will not go to meetings- says he will then dosen't.
He cant come off these pills without HUGE withdrawls. He (upon my suggestion) asked me to call our doctor to see if he could help. will he follow up with the doctor and make the appointment?? I doubt it. Its like beating my head against a brick wall. I can't detatch. I have educated myself about the process- but I just can't. I keep waiting for the man I used to love to show up- it isn't happening- and I don't think it ever will. He said to me the other night- giving up coke and alcohol is "easy" he only needs help with quitting the pills - that he knows the PILLS are a problem?? Jezzzzz- are you kidding?? how can he believe that the pills are an issue- but the other stuff? eah no biggie>> its just complete craziness. I love this man, but I can't stay around being "detached" doing my own thing.... I would just rather live alone with my kids. to pretend the pink elephant in the room isn't there - just dosen't work for me. He dosen't steal from me, he is not abusive to me, he is just plain ol selfish, inconsiderate, and the CONSTANT partying ALWAYS comes before me and my children. I do not wish to PRETEND its not happening anymore. Do I sound selfish? I hope not, I am just exhausted emotionally- trying to help. And now trying to DETATCH. I have broken up with him before (my home) and when he leaves its a matter of days before we "talk" _ I "believe" and then we both pretend untill he comes home high as a kite and I loose it. ..... same merry-go-round. I know I'm at fault for accepting his behavior- and I'm sad for that. I didn't see how deep he was in- untill my heart was way to invested. I just need some help/support/ any words of wisdom, on how I can walk away and not go back on the merrygo round. Also, I need to know If others understand that I can't see myself staying and trying to "be there for him, yet remain detatched" I just cant do it- no matter how much I love- I feel it would be better to just move on, grieve the loss and get better for myself. It hurts terribly. and I will miss him, but I ALREADY miss the man I love, I just stay holding on to the slight glimpses i still see of him.
Sorry to be long-winded....
Thankyou for listening.
Cess
He cant come off these pills without HUGE withdrawls. He (upon my suggestion) asked me to call our doctor to see if he could help. will he follow up with the doctor and make the appointment?? I doubt it. Its like beating my head against a brick wall. I can't detatch. I have educated myself about the process- but I just can't. I keep waiting for the man I used to love to show up- it isn't happening- and I don't think it ever will. He said to me the other night- giving up coke and alcohol is "easy" he only needs help with quitting the pills - that he knows the PILLS are a problem?? Jezzzzz- are you kidding?? how can he believe that the pills are an issue- but the other stuff? eah no biggie>> its just complete craziness. I love this man, but I can't stay around being "detached" doing my own thing.... I would just rather live alone with my kids. to pretend the pink elephant in the room isn't there - just dosen't work for me. He dosen't steal from me, he is not abusive to me, he is just plain ol selfish, inconsiderate, and the CONSTANT partying ALWAYS comes before me and my children. I do not wish to PRETEND its not happening anymore. Do I sound selfish? I hope not, I am just exhausted emotionally- trying to help. And now trying to DETATCH. I have broken up with him before (my home) and when he leaves its a matter of days before we "talk" _ I "believe" and then we both pretend untill he comes home high as a kite and I loose it. ..... same merry-go-round. I know I'm at fault for accepting his behavior- and I'm sad for that. I didn't see how deep he was in- untill my heart was way to invested. I just need some help/support/ any words of wisdom, on how I can walk away and not go back on the merrygo round. Also, I need to know If others understand that I can't see myself staying and trying to "be there for him, yet remain detatched" I just cant do it- no matter how much I love- I feel it would be better to just move on, grieve the loss and get better for myself. It hurts terribly. and I will miss him, but I ALREADY miss the man I love, I just stay holding on to the slight glimpses i still see of him.
Sorry to be long-winded....
Thankyou for listening.
Cess
My big, fat relapse
Yes- me the codie- I had a relapse over the weekend, but I am learning something from it- thank goodness.
STBXAH called to ask if I wanted to go to our sister-in-law's surprise party with dd. He was going to be there- with his new girlfriend- whom I have not met. Instead of asking him WHY he thought that was a great idea- can you imagine the awkwardness?- OR, just saying NO! I went straight to sadness. I miss his family- they haven't called me to see how I am, and now he's replacing me, and parading her in front of his family- and he thinks I should witness that??? He's- to say the least- insensitive. Now, I did say no, and then I went into my sadness over how this is all turning out. . . blahblahblah. I gave him my power. Of course, he threw it right back at me along with his usual blaming and verbal abuse. So, I spent Saturday a wreck. Out of it came an "AHA" moment, though. I realized I have to stop thinking I can give him my precious feelings/heart. He will do nothing with them, and has done nothing with them for years. I am beating my head against a brick wall. Also- I go straight to sadness and childhood fear- he's a lot like my dad, and triggers some intense anxiety that I need to figure out what to do with. So my lesson is- avoid him- if I can't, address him from a position of strength- and then fall apart with a safe friend if I need to.
Why are these lessons so hard?
I have such a hard time being the b**** I feel I wish I could be after it's all over. I don't know why- he's been so cruel. I cannot stoop to his level- but I can stop giving myself away to him.
STBXAH called to ask if I wanted to go to our sister-in-law's surprise party with dd. He was going to be there- with his new girlfriend- whom I have not met. Instead of asking him WHY he thought that was a great idea- can you imagine the awkwardness?- OR, just saying NO! I went straight to sadness. I miss his family- they haven't called me to see how I am, and now he's replacing me, and parading her in front of his family- and he thinks I should witness that??? He's- to say the least- insensitive. Now, I did say no, and then I went into my sadness over how this is all turning out. . . blahblahblah. I gave him my power. Of course, he threw it right back at me along with his usual blaming and verbal abuse. So, I spent Saturday a wreck. Out of it came an "AHA" moment, though. I realized I have to stop thinking I can give him my precious feelings/heart. He will do nothing with them, and has done nothing with them for years. I am beating my head against a brick wall. Also- I go straight to sadness and childhood fear- he's a lot like my dad, and triggers some intense anxiety that I need to figure out what to do with. So my lesson is- avoid him- if I can't, address him from a position of strength- and then fall apart with a safe friend if I need to.
Why are these lessons so hard?
I have such a hard time being the b**** I feel I wish I could be after it's all over. I don't know why- he's been so cruel. I cannot stoop to his level- but I can stop giving myself away to him.
