Drug Rehab Options Blog

Well, I made it through day 2.

The day started out really rough, I felt horrible when I woke up. Not to mention the really strange dreams I had last night a long with the sweating. I only worked a half day today so after work I went for a very long walk.

Made some plans and I'm going to try to act on them. I thought really hard about the last two years and why I've been drinking so much. I'm coming to the conclusion that I can not focus on the bad and try to focus on what I can control.

The first thing I'm going to do is get myself back in shape physically. For six years I woke up and went to gym first thing in the morning five days a week. I also watch my diet very closely. Over the last two years I haven't done that.

I think I was able to hide my drinking problem for so long because I looked and ate so healthy, nobody would have ever thought I was pounding six to eight beers a night.

Then, it all went wrong. Anyway, I just had a bowl of chocolate ice cream and that helped with the cravings. I'm going to continue to post on this forum and read other peoples stories to help me through this long journey.

Thanks everyone!

I'm just coming in to say hello....I'm on day 2 and just taking it one day at a time. I am getting to the point that I really need to cut back. I could drink about 12 beers every other day, this has become more and more like this since my husband and I lost our jobs a little over 2 months ago. We both were working for the same company and they went out of business, we had there 18+ years with them. I'm learning to deal with it a little better these days, now I just need to learn to deal with not drinking so much.
I wanted to introduce myself and thank everyone that is coming to this wonderful place. Your support is a blessing, Take care!
XOXO
:Val004:

I just got off the phone with AH.

There's been a change of plans.

I will be attending my best friend's New Year's Eve party tomorrow night in Dallas, alone. AH was supposed to come with me - we'd reserved a hotel room and arranged to see some other friends while we're visiting.
On the phone AH casually mentioned to me that he would be having a "few beers" at the party. I am not comfortable being around him when he is drinking. At all. I thought that he knew this. I do not want him to come with me if he is going to drink.

I told him this.
He decided that he did not want to come to the party if he cannot drink.
He said it sounded too depressing.

I think staying home from a fun party thrown by people that you love in an exciting city because you can't stand to go one night without a drink is depressing.

I'm a little sad.
But I'll have a great time without him (and I won't have any reason to worry about how he's feeling, if he's having a good time, if he's uncomfortable around all the alcohol).

I'm going to go by myself. I'll wear my new outfit, dance, meet some new people, have a glass of champagne at midnight, and have a comfy hotel bed all to myself!

No use fighting. Better to accept.

Happy New Year's, everyone!:nyx
-TC

In tears and after a couple of beers, he told me over the phone last night, that he has a problem. He said it's so clear when he's been drinking, but when he's sober he just wants to put the blame on everyone else. He's embarrassed and in disbelief he's even spoken those words. It's hard for him to understand (and me too) and he's confused. I said something about AA, but immediately he's worried about people finding out. He feels like a loser, a failure, ect. He said he misses me and needs my support. (He really wants me to come back home. He thinks that it would be extra motivation for him. I don't think it's a wise idea.) My question is, what do I do next? How do I support him? I don't want to push AA down his throat. I suggested I come over and we do dinner some evenings....just to take his mind off of doing other things and for us to spend time together. I just don't want to ruin this breakthrough.

My wife and I have a holiday party every year and she invites her relatives that live close enough to attend. She was anxious in the days leading up to it. She even told me so (unusual for her to admit anxiety). She thought that I may not be ready for a party at home. I am about 3.5 months C&S. Having good/not so good days about 50/50 now.

None of the guests are alcoholic, but they certainly enjoy 2 or 3 beers, a glass of wine with dinner, some a martini...

It's the first time beer/wine/gin has been out at my house since rehab. She has a glass of wine every night and I have reconciled that and lost most, if not all, of my resentment over it... she keeps the wine out of sight, has just one...

But WOW !!! Walking by the case of my favorite brand of beer on the way in from the garage, just where I've kept one for 22 years... nice dry red wine on the table... But, even through that I was keeping a "chin up" good attitude.

But, soon after the party started I crashed and burned. Withdrew, not myself. Couldn't click in with the party. Felt like an outcast, like I wasn't really one of them... that sucks, especially in my own house. But THEY didn't make ME feel like that... I made myself feel that way... Shame?!?!

I just went to bed early. My wife was disappointed, not mad, but probably sad that her fears were realized (darn it!!). Maybe felt a little guilty that we had the party at all. We talked a little. She said (in a nice way... appropriately in the flow) "I had a great time, and I don't drink at all during the party". She doesn't understand, and if I start explaining it... blah, blah, blah, shame, guilt, blah, blah, still early in recovery... She knows she can't ever understand and to her I'm over analyzing...

Going to mass this AM and then a meeting. I'll feel better later.... Thanx for letting me share

Mark

With recovery with sobriety, you notice things... such as how when you were addicted/etc you would forget the important things you body needed, preferred or you just didn't WANT to notice... I'll tell you ONE thing I just noticed today...

I woke up, feeling a bit fatigued, and a bit tired, but... when I woke up I remembered all the old boozing... and I got a cold water from the fridge, drank it and felt ... great, the relief taking over my body, the cold water slowly dripping off my chin and dousing into my stomach... and when I was done, I realized... what the hell was I thinking when I abused my stomach and body with 10 beers during my drinking days when I could be doing this? What's my point all? Perhaps just a different perspective.

So you see, everyone... change and happiness is possible sober, it is, really. :Xmasustar

I was told I treat him likes s**t because I ignore him, that I don't do the dishes or clean the house and he has pictures to prove it!!! He said he's been taking photos on his cell phone everyday when he gets home to work to show I don't do dishes/clean? I don't act like I love him. He doesn't have an issue with drinking so he doesn't see where I get off saying he does. He only had 7 beers tonight and wasn't even drunk, so there's no issue. I don't talk to him enough. I don't share my interests to with him. My dogs were brought up that he deals with them so I should accept his drinking. He doesn't hardly get really drunk, like once in his opinion since June. He's done it more than once but I just quit writing it all down since it doesn't do anything.

This all started tonight because he was giving my daughter a little lecture on dating appropriate people. After like 10 minutes of his repetetiveness and me seeing her increasing anxiety I said I think she understands. He stormed out of the bathroom, slammed his hands on the wall, slammed his hands on the fridge LOUD, made everything fall off the fridge. Yelled at me and continued the above talking for somewhere around an hour?

The whole time my 11yr old cousin was here and heard/saw the whole thing. I kinda mentioned it while he was going off that this wasn't an appropriate talk with two little ones who understand everything. Yeah, that didn't go over well either.

So I sat silently listening to the whole line of BS, which made him mad, too. I won't talk to him, I suggested a therapist because I know nothing to do. Otherwise I didn't talk. I'm not speaking with someone who views talking about problems by slamming his fists on the walls and beginning a conversation by yelling at me.

I wanted to cry but I won't let him see me do that anymore.

He suggested after the holidays we finish our relationship up because there's nothing else left. That there wasn't any more for us to do. That I can't accept him as he is, meaning drinking, so it was over. That he felt like imploding and hanging himself everyday because he was so stressed over it(me not doing anything and not being affectionate).

Hmmm...where to begin? I'm a 4.5 year veteran of the military. I've just gotten out about 2 months ago and only then, have I truly realized my experience? dependence? stupidity? with alcohol.

I never used to drink in high school and got introduced to it while in the military. Slowly but steadily, I noticed that all of our off-time revolved around drinking. Whether it was fishing, going out to eat, the bars, camping, etc. I didn't mind, nor did I see anything wrong with it, as I was "with the boys". Some of them would even show up at 6AM drunk as hell and still run 5 miles like it wasn't anything hard.

About 3 years in, I realized I started drinking (mainly while on the internet, like the other thread stated) out of boredom. I still managed to stay in very good shape, but continued to drink heavily at least 4-5 times a week.

When I got out 2 months ago, I sort of lost it. I think over the course of 3 weeks, I drank 6 handles of Jack Daniels. Coping with the loss of my friends, plus PTSD in a whole new world sort of made me lose it for a bit.

Two weeks ago, I kind of came to the conclusion that this would destroy me in college (chemical engineering in January), it was costly and was doing a lot of stupid things while under the influence.

I've been sober for 2 weeks now, with the exception of 2 parties. However, I did a test and managed to only have 2 beers a piece at each party, acting as the DD. No shakes or seizures of any kind (so far). I do still feel the cravings like an alcoholic (I know I am one) but I have managed to control myself from going to the store. Discipline? I don't know.

I don't know whether to stop completely or just try to continue to go back into the world of moderation. I feel helpless and empowered at the same time. I feel like I can control it but I don't want to go back to the same old totally drunken self.

Any thoughts?

Very shortly after I made my first ever post on this forum, I drank again. The very same day, in fact. I had an overwhelming desire both to drink and to pay attention to why I wanted to do it... to find out if, in fact, I really wanted to do it anymore.

Like always, it took 3-4 beers for me to feel anything. I remember being halfway through my fourth beer and just starting to feel it and recalling one "test" I've read about. A normal drinker can have 1, 2, or 3 drinks a day everyday for 6 months and keep it under control. And an alcoholic cannot. I was acutely aware that I *needed* that fourth drink (and actually the rest of the case).

By the 6th or 8th beer, I was happy, euphoric, etc. You know what I'm talking about. I felt like I was perfect and that everyone should just listen to me. Now keep in mind that I was all alone... it didn't matter. I was delusional and so incredibly self-centered. And of course I kept drinking until I passed out.

I woke up later... I had a headache but nothing out of the ordinary. There was nothing unusual about that particular binge. But for some reason my hip was sore, so I ended up getting out of bed and coming downstairs to try to get comfortable on the couch. I watched a little TV, took some Advil, and the headed back to bed. And at the top of my stairs, it was suddenly very, very clear to me: I've been drinking because it was the only thing that made me feel "perfect." When I was drunk, I wasn't aware of my flaws and character defects. But the truth is, I'm imperfect. That's how God made me. I just got this image of all my defects as physical holes in my body that I was trying to fill up with alcohol so that no one -- not even me -- would have to see how defective I am. But at that moment I realized that if I just handed it all over to God, I could just let God's light shine through the holes of imperfection and I wouldn't have to care about being imperfect anymore.

In that moment, I really "got" the first three Steps. 1 - I saw how powerless I was. 2- Although I've never been really religious and for the past 4 years or so, I've been borderline atheist/pissed off at God, I realized that God was the absolute *only* thing that could work. 3 - And I realized that I just needed to hand over the reigns.

I'm really in awe still. It was such a clarifying moment... it just keeps sticking with me. I'm still incredibly overwhelmed by it all but it also feels really "real," too.

Hi everyone,

This is my first post although I have been helped by this site more often than I can count. To be honest, the hardest thing about staying sober is thinking that I am the only one that has to do this. And to read some of the posts is a comfort. I am one year sober today. Last year at this time, I was still drunk from the night before and still drinking (I used cocaine so I could still drink). I was supposed to go to my sons school for a Christmas fundraiser with my sister. No one could find me, I only told my husband I had to sober up before coming home, he covered for me. I ditched everyone, my sister, my son, my mother had to come and help her with the fundraiser and my father would have dragged me out by the hair had he known where I was. That was the last time I drank. I was mad at my husband for not wanting to go out that night, so I sat home drank, left my house and didn't return home for two days. I was intent on "making my own fun then".

No one believed that I was quitting. And I didn't care if they did or didn't. Who could blame them? I quit 2 times before and went back, stronger each time. I was ashamed, so ashamed and now looking back, I cannot believe I let myself do such horrible things. But the thing that worried me the most was, I had no idea who I was without alcohol. I needed it for everything, EVERYTHING. And I found out who I was over this past year:

I worry more than most people (a few beers would help me get over that)

I am insecure about my body (a few beers and who the hell cares?)

I am insecure about my personality (a few beers, life of the party, I was the one people bragged about having such a good time with)

I am a bitch (a few beers and a few other drunks and were all laughing or crying, but we are all on the same level see?)

I am a little too hard on my son because I want so much for him (a few beers and I am less serious and more silly, then as I drink more, sloppy and stupid in front of him)

I am not a good friend (unless you got liquor)

The list goes on . . .

So wait, I actually have to face the fact that I am all these things without alcohol???!!! And on top of that I have to think about all the crappy things I've done? And as I watch others dull their pain with substance I can't? These things terrify me. But guess what? They are not lies. They can be fixed and fixed FOR REAL, not forgotten about for a while, put away for a bit, in that self induced stupor I called my life.

I smiled one day, and realized, I was truly happy, no substance help. I was truly happy, just me and my happiness. It was a precious moment in my life. I cried one day too, and realized, this was true sadness. And the happy and sad I took it with me, and I felt it and let it go. And I can do that now. Hell, I have to work at not drinking every day of my life, I have argued, bargained, talked to God, whatever, and it really SUCKS. I get angry, sad, hateful, but I get over it. I had to go through it to get over it.

All of those things I was afraid to do without alcohol? I do some of them and I found that the others were not as fun. But everything I do know has meaning. Perk #1 from sobriety: Actually remembering you had a good time :).

I just wanted to thank everyone on the site, it has helped me so much, reading through the forums, knowing that I'm not alone.