Archive for the ‘Belief’ tag
Mind over matter
That is how I?ve felt for a long time; it's how I?ve approached many opportunities in my life. I guess its a form of positive thinking or arrogance I?m not sure, my only other belief is too avoid extremes at all costs it always leaves too few answers. 3 months ago I decided to stop drinking for good, I have always had trouble sleeping and the first 2 weeks where hell in that respect. After that though things fell back into place pretty easily sleep came fast and was satisfying, especially with not having to worry about how bad my hangover would be the next day. As of late though I have been coming home from work and sleeping for 2-3 hours then waking to make dinner and watch TV, the first couple times I thought it was normal as I do lead a more active life now than ever before but it seems to be getting worse. I guess my question is when do the affects of a decade of alcoholism wear off; I expected some physical effects initially but 3 months in. I know the mental aspect will take patience and time to overcome but how long will my physical withdrawal symptoms last?
JFT December 27
December 27
God could restore us to sanity
?The process of coming to believe restores us to sanity. The strength to move into action comes from this belief.?
Basic Text, p. 25
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Now that we?ve finally admitted our insanity and seen examples of it in all its manifestations, we might be tempted to believe that we are doomed to repeat this behavior for the rest of our lives. Just as we thought that our active addiction was hopeless and we?d never get clean, we might now believe that our particular brand of insanity is hopeless.
Not so! We know that we owe our freedom from active addiction to the grace of a loving God. If our Higher Power can perform such a miracle as relieving our obsession to use drugs, surely this Power can also relieve our insanity in all its forms.
If we doubt this, all we have to do is think about the sanity that has already been restored to our lives. Maybe we?ve gotten carried away with our credit cards; but sanity returns when we admit defeat and cut them all up. Perhaps we?ve been feeling lonely and want to go visit our old using buddies. Going to visit our sponsor instead is a sane act.
The insanity of our addiction recedes into the past as we begin experiencing moments of sanity in our recovery. Our belief in a Power greater than ourselves grows as we begin to understand that even our brand of insanity is nothing in the face of this Power.
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Just for today: I thank the God of my understanding for each sane act in my life, for I know they are indications of my restoration to sanity.
God could restore us to sanity
?The process of coming to believe restores us to sanity. The strength to move into action comes from this belief.?
Basic Text, p. 25
????=????
Now that we?ve finally admitted our insanity and seen examples of it in all its manifestations, we might be tempted to believe that we are doomed to repeat this behavior for the rest of our lives. Just as we thought that our active addiction was hopeless and we?d never get clean, we might now believe that our particular brand of insanity is hopeless.
Not so! We know that we owe our freedom from active addiction to the grace of a loving God. If our Higher Power can perform such a miracle as relieving our obsession to use drugs, surely this Power can also relieve our insanity in all its forms.
If we doubt this, all we have to do is think about the sanity that has already been restored to our lives. Maybe we?ve gotten carried away with our credit cards; but sanity returns when we admit defeat and cut them all up. Perhaps we?ve been feeling lonely and want to go visit our old using buddies. Going to visit our sponsor instead is a sane act.
The insanity of our addiction recedes into the past as we begin experiencing moments of sanity in our recovery. Our belief in a Power greater than ourselves grows as we begin to understand that even our brand of insanity is nothing in the face of this Power.
????=????
Just for today: I thank the God of my understanding for each sane act in my life, for I know they are indications of my restoration to sanity.
AW in treatment…still blaming me?
Wife has been an alcoholic for several years [about 8 if you ask me, maybe 1 or 2 if you ask her]. She has been at an inpatient rehab for almost 4 weeks. She is scheduled to leave in a few days. I have been attending a 'family' program at the treatment facility, that is centered mainly on how the A affects/hurts the family unit. It also talks alot about co-dependence, enabling etc. One of the principles that has been crammed down our throats is how, as a spouse, you can't cause, control or cure the alcoholism of another. I have held this belief for a while, and I have become emotionally separated from my AW during this ordeal.
So today after a joint counseling session, she starts telling me how that I need to change my behavior [i.e. love her more] once she gets home since I was, undoubtedly, a contributing factor to the addiction. She got very upset when I explained to her that I had been lectured for nearly 2 days the exact opposite. She then followed with "our situation" was different, etc.
My 'contribution' is, according to her, I work too much, don't appreciate her, don't do enough with her, etc....To me, those are marital issues, which undoubtedly exist, but that is a separate issue from addiction.
Having visited her a few times during treatment I had been very positive about her prospect for recovery.....now, not so much.
Am i crazy???
Comments anyone?
So today after a joint counseling session, she starts telling me how that I need to change my behavior [i.e. love her more] once she gets home since I was, undoubtedly, a contributing factor to the addiction. She got very upset when I explained to her that I had been lectured for nearly 2 days the exact opposite. She then followed with "our situation" was different, etc.
My 'contribution' is, according to her, I work too much, don't appreciate her, don't do enough with her, etc....To me, those are marital issues, which undoubtedly exist, but that is a separate issue from addiction.
Having visited her a few times during treatment I had been very positive about her prospect for recovery.....now, not so much.
Am i crazy???
Comments anyone?
emotional set points- reactions such as insecurity an anger CAN BE CHANGED!
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Your Emotional Set-Points
by Jerry and Esther Hicks
abraham-hicks. com
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Your Emotional Set-Points Are Within Your control - Most people do not believe they have control over what they believe. They observe things happening around them and evaluate them, but they usually feel that they have no control whatsoever about the belief that is formulating within them. They spend their lives sorting events into categories of good or bad, wanted or unwanted, right or wrong ? but rarely do they understand that they have the ability to control their personal relationship with these events.
Since many people approve of some of the conditions that others have created but disapprove of others, they set out on the impossible mission of trying to control conditions. Through personal force or strength or gathering together in groups to gain the feeling of more power or control, they seek to preserve their own Well-Being by attempting to take control of any circumstances that they believe could threaten it. But, in this attraction-based Universe where there is no such thing as exclusion, the harder they push against unwanted things, the more they achieve vibrational alignment with unwanted things-and in doing so, the more they invite unwanted things into their own experience. And as more unwanted things now manifest in their experience, they shore up their own belief (they ?prove it? to themselves) that they were right all along about how bad and invasive that unwanted thing was to begin with. In other words, the more you defend your own beliefs, the more the Law of Attraction helps you live them out.
?But Whose ?Truth? Is the True Truth??
With enough attention to anything, the essence of what you have been giving thought to will eventually become a physical manifestation. And then as others observe your physical manifestation, through their attention to it, they help it to expand. And then, in time, this manifestation, whether it is one that is wanted or not, is called ?Truth.
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We want you to remember that you have absolute choices about the ?Truths? that you create in your own experience. Once you understand that the only reason anyone ever experiences anything is because of their attention to the subject, then it is easy to see that ?Truth? only exists because someone gave their attention to it. So when you say, ?I should give my attention to such and such, because it is true,? that is the same thing as saying, ?Another gave their attention to something that they did not want and by their attention to it they have invited it into their experience. And since they have attracted something unwanted into their experience, I should do it, also.
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There are many wonderful things that you are making your Truths and there are many not-so-wonderful things that you are making your Truths ? Deliberate Creation is about deliberately choosing those experiences you make your Truths.
Your Point of Attraction Is Being Affected
When your activated thoughts are general and not very focused, those early vibrations are still very small and do not yet have much attraction power or pulling power, so to speak. And so, in these early stages, you would not likely see any manifested evidence of your attention to the subject. But even though you do not yet see the evidence, the attraction of other thoughts that are a vibrational match to these is occurring. In other words, the thought is becoming stronger; its pulling power is getting stronger and other similar thought vibrations are joining it. And, as the thought gains momentum, you now begin to get an emotional reading on how well this growing thought-vibration is matching the Energy of your Source. If it matches who you are, your good-feeling emotions indicate that. If it does not match who you are, your bad-feeling emotions indicate that.
For example, when you were little, your grandmother may have said to you, ?You are such a wonderful child. I love you so very much. You will have a fulfilling and happy life. You have so many talents and the world will benefit by your presence.? These words felt good because they were a vibrational match to what was at the very core of you. But when someone says to you, ?You are bad. You should be ashamed of yourself. You have displeased me. You are inappropriate,? these words feel awful because your attention to them has caused you to become vibrationally different from who you really are and what you really know.
The way you feel is a clear and accurate indication of your alignment or misalignment, with your Source Energy. In other words, your emotions let you know if you are allowing or if you are in a current state of resistance to, your connection with Source.
Moods As Indicators of Your Emotional Set-Points
When you continue to focus upon any thought, it becomes increasingly easy to continue to focus upon it because the Law of Attraction is making more thoughts like it available to you. And so, emotionally speaking, you are developing a mood or an attitude. Vibrationally speaking, you are achieving a habitual vibrational groove, so to speak ? or a set-point.
Your mood is showing you a good representation of what you are inviting into your experience. Your mood or your general feeling about something, is a clear indication of your practiced vibration. In other words, whenever any subject is activated within you through your exposure to your environment, your vibration jumps immediately to your most practiced vibrational place or set-point.
For example, let us say that when you were a child, your parents experienced severe financial difficulty. And so, the lack of money and the inability to purchase desired things was often discussed in your home, with the accompanying emotions of worry and fear. Often, in response to your request for something, you were told that ?money doesn?t grow on trees,? and that ?just because you want it doesn?t mean you?ll get it,? and that ?you, like everyone else in this family, should learn to do without. ? That is just the way that it is.? Because of years of exposure to these thoughts of ?lack,? your habit of thought around the subject of money ? your Emotional Set-Point ? became one of low expectation of financial success. And so, whenever you thought about money or abundance, your mood or attitude would immediately shift to disappointment, worry or anger.
Or, when you were a child, maybe your friend?s mother was killed in an automobile accident and then your close association with someone who was experiencing such severe childhood trauma made you fearful for the Well-Being of your own parents. Whenever they traveled somewhere by automobile, you would be gripped by fear until they returned. And so, bit by bit, you developed a habit of worry about the Well-Being of those you loved. Your Emotional Set-Point became that of insecurity.
Or, when you were a teenager, perhaps your grandmother suddenly died of a heart attack. And in the years that followed her death, you often heard your mother expressing her concern about the high probability of the same thing happening to her and her children (including you!). Nearly every time any conversation about your grandmother came up, her untimely heart attack became an emotional and fear-producing part of the conversation. Even though your body was strong and you continued to feel physically good, a concern about your own physical vulnerability rumbled under the surface. And so, over time, you achieved an Emotional Set Point of physical vulnerability.
Your Emotional Set-Points Can Re -Changed
In the same way that your Emotional Set-Points can change from feeling basically good or secure to feeling bad or insecure, your set points can change from not feeling good to feeling good, for your set-points are achieved simply by attention to a subject and through your practiced thought.
However, most people do not deliberately offer thought, but instead, they let their thoughts gravitate to whatever is happening around them. Something happens. They observe. They have an emotional feeling response to what they are observing. And since they usually feel powerless in controlling what they are observing, they conclude that they have no control over their emotional response to what they are observing.
We want you to understand that you do have absolute control over the set-points that you achieve. And we want you to understand the extreme value in deliberately achieving your own set-points. Because, once you expect something, it will come. The details of it may play out differently ? but the vibrational essence will always be an exact match.
JFT December 4
December 4
God?s will, not ours
?We know that if we pray for God?s will we will receive what is best for us, regardless of what we think.?
Basic Text, p. 46
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By the time we came to NA, our inner voices had become unreliable and self-destructive. Addiction had warped our desires, our interests, our sense of what was best for ourselves. That?s why it?s been so important in recovery to develop our belief in a Power greater than ourselves, something that could provide saner, more reliable guidance than our own. We?ve begun learning how to rely on this Power?s care and to trust the inner direction it provides us.
As with all learning processes, it takes practice to ?pray only for knowledge of God?s will for us and the power to carry that out.? The selfish, ego-driven attitudes we developed in our addiction are not cast off overnight. Those attitudes may affect the way we pray. We may even find ourselves praying something like, ?Relieve me of this character defect so I can look good.?
The more straightforward we are about our own ideas and desires, the easier it will be to distinguish between our own will and our Higher Power?s will. ?Just for your information, God,? we might pray, ?here?s what I want in this situation. Nonetheless, I ask that your will, not mine, be done.? Once we do this, we are prepared to recognize and accept our Higher Power?s guidance.
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Just for today: Higher Power, I?ve learned to trust your guidance, yet I still have my own ideas about how I want to live my life. Let me share those ideas with you, and then let me clearly understand your will for me. In the end, let your will, not mine, be done.
God?s will, not ours
?We know that if we pray for God?s will we will receive what is best for us, regardless of what we think.?
Basic Text, p. 46
????=????
By the time we came to NA, our inner voices had become unreliable and self-destructive. Addiction had warped our desires, our interests, our sense of what was best for ourselves. That?s why it?s been so important in recovery to develop our belief in a Power greater than ourselves, something that could provide saner, more reliable guidance than our own. We?ve begun learning how to rely on this Power?s care and to trust the inner direction it provides us.
As with all learning processes, it takes practice to ?pray only for knowledge of God?s will for us and the power to carry that out.? The selfish, ego-driven attitudes we developed in our addiction are not cast off overnight. Those attitudes may affect the way we pray. We may even find ourselves praying something like, ?Relieve me of this character defect so I can look good.?
The more straightforward we are about our own ideas and desires, the easier it will be to distinguish between our own will and our Higher Power?s will. ?Just for your information, God,? we might pray, ?here?s what I want in this situation. Nonetheless, I ask that your will, not mine, be done.? Once we do this, we are prepared to recognize and accept our Higher Power?s guidance.
????=????
Just for today: Higher Power, I?ve learned to trust your guidance, yet I still have my own ideas about how I want to live my life. Let me share those ideas with you, and then let me clearly understand your will for me. In the end, let your will, not mine, be done.
Women’s 12 steps - Step II
Step Two
Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
The key ideas in step 2 are faith and sanity. Faith includes the ideas of belief and trust. Many of us enter recovery thinking that nothing and no one can be trusted. We may be skeptical about belief in a Higher Power. We often feel confused about what we believe. We may have learned from bitter experience that many people cannot be trusted.
Trusting someone can feel risky, yet step 2 asserts that in order to recover, we need to find someone or something we can trust. Step 2 asks us to entertain the possibility that help is available, that we cannot and need not relay only on our EGO selves to break from our addiction. We are not told who or what this power is. Instead, we are invited to explore for ourselves and make up our own minds. Coming to believe means setting aside our illusion of control and opening ourselves to the possibility of support.
This step also asks us to admit that we have done some insane things in our unmanageable lives. We are not necessarily mentally ill?indeed, we very likely are not the ?crazy? women we may have feared we were. Maybe we grew up in ?crazy-making? families and came to doubt our perceptions of reality. Maybe we did insane things?harmful to ourselves or others..because of our addiction. The traditional AA definition of insanity is ?doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results.? Step 2 invites us to step onto a different path; for by living differently, we can expect different results.
In this chapter, you will explore the idea of belief?what does it mean to believe something? You will also have a chance to think about what you believe. Then you will look back at your life to identigy things you may have done that felt ?insane?, as well as forward into the future to envision the sanity you want.
QUESTIONS TO FOLLOW LATER TONIGHT :Val004:
Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
The key ideas in step 2 are faith and sanity. Faith includes the ideas of belief and trust. Many of us enter recovery thinking that nothing and no one can be trusted. We may be skeptical about belief in a Higher Power. We often feel confused about what we believe. We may have learned from bitter experience that many people cannot be trusted.
Trusting someone can feel risky, yet step 2 asserts that in order to recover, we need to find someone or something we can trust. Step 2 asks us to entertain the possibility that help is available, that we cannot and need not relay only on our EGO selves to break from our addiction. We are not told who or what this power is. Instead, we are invited to explore for ourselves and make up our own minds. Coming to believe means setting aside our illusion of control and opening ourselves to the possibility of support.
This step also asks us to admit that we have done some insane things in our unmanageable lives. We are not necessarily mentally ill?indeed, we very likely are not the ?crazy? women we may have feared we were. Maybe we grew up in ?crazy-making? families and came to doubt our perceptions of reality. Maybe we did insane things?harmful to ourselves or others..because of our addiction. The traditional AA definition of insanity is ?doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results.? Step 2 invites us to step onto a different path; for by living differently, we can expect different results.
In this chapter, you will explore the idea of belief?what does it mean to believe something? You will also have a chance to think about what you believe. Then you will look back at your life to identigy things you may have done that felt ?insane?, as well as forward into the future to envision the sanity you want.
QUESTIONS TO FOLLOW LATER TONIGHT :Val004:
Let go of my imaginary friends and found peace
I was raised in the heart of the bible belt and was spoon fed the fire and brimstone propaganda throughout my early childhood and teen years. Fast forward to January 30th of 2006 when I found myself walking into an AA meeting in Dallas,Tx and finding all the familiar trappings of my upbringing waiting on me. I struggled with belief always and never could quite make the stories seem rational enough to swallow them whole. I was able to stay in AA for almost two years but finally found the hypocrisy of it all too much to take and so I left. The last 15 months without meetings and being alone to wrestle with my beliefs have been very cathartic and uplifting. I have embraced the strength I have within and have said so long to my imaginary friends who have both scared and comforted me my whole life. I share this only to point out that I have achieved a peace in my life without the aid of god and have stayed sober and flourished without attending a support group everyday. I hope this helps someone else to know that there isn't only one way to break the cycle of addiction. I will always appreciate my time in AA for the support I received but the path I am on feels stronger and less codependent and less cultish.
JFT–Fear or Faith–11/10/08
Fear Or Faith?
"No matter how far we ran, we always carried fear with us."
Basic Text, page 14
For many of us, fear was a constant factor in our lives before we came to Narcotics Anonymous. We used because we were afraid to feel emotional or physical pain. Our fear of people and situations gave us a convenient excuse to use drugs. A few of us were so afraid of everything that we were unable even to leave our homes without using first.
As we stay clean, we replace our fear with a belief in the fellowship, the steps, and a Higher Power. As this belief grows, our faith in the miracle of recovery begins to color all aspects of our lives. We start to see ourselves differently. We realize we are spiritual beings, and we strive to live by spiritual principles.
The application of spiritual principles helps eliminate fear from our lives. By refraining from treating other people in harmful or unlawful ways, we find we needn't fear how we will be treated in return. As we practice love, compassion, understanding, and patience in our relationships with others, we are treated in turn with respect and consideration. We realize these positive changes result from allowing our Higher Power to work through us. We come to believe - not to think, but to believe - that our Higher Power wants only the best for us. No matter what the circumstances, we find we can walk in faith instead of fear.
Just for today:
I no longer need to run in fear, but can walk in faith that my Higher Power has only the best in store for me.
Page 328
:ghug
Copyright © 1991-2008 by Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved
"No matter how far we ran, we always carried fear with us."
Basic Text, page 14
For many of us, fear was a constant factor in our lives before we came to Narcotics Anonymous. We used because we were afraid to feel emotional or physical pain. Our fear of people and situations gave us a convenient excuse to use drugs. A few of us were so afraid of everything that we were unable even to leave our homes without using first.
As we stay clean, we replace our fear with a belief in the fellowship, the steps, and a Higher Power. As this belief grows, our faith in the miracle of recovery begins to color all aspects of our lives. We start to see ourselves differently. We realize we are spiritual beings, and we strive to live by spiritual principles.
The application of spiritual principles helps eliminate fear from our lives. By refraining from treating other people in harmful or unlawful ways, we find we needn't fear how we will be treated in return. As we practice love, compassion, understanding, and patience in our relationships with others, we are treated in turn with respect and consideration. We realize these positive changes result from allowing our Higher Power to work through us. We come to believe - not to think, but to believe - that our Higher Power wants only the best for us. No matter what the circumstances, we find we can walk in faith instead of fear.
Just for today:
I no longer need to run in fear, but can walk in faith that my Higher Power has only the best in store for me.
Page 328
:ghug
Copyright © 1991-2008 by Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved
Feeling Lonely
While AH is probably sleeping in the arms of another woman tonight, here I sit lonely. His substance abuse led him to other women too, of which hurts me deeply. You'd think I'd be over it, and some think I should be, gosh...it's been 2 yrs he's been gone. It's just the promises and the hopes that he would recover, but that hope was only a thread of hope. The times when he's in a time warp and calls me "honey" offends me and hurts me because I know I'm not his "honey." I think the woman he is with is in NA too, and maybe they relate to each other through drug use, I don't know. I heard shes very young 31 or 33. He's 57.
I sit here thinking, would anyone ever want me if I was divorced. I wouldn't dare mess around still being married, because of my belief in the commandments, thou shalt not commit adultery. I wouldn't want to defile myself. I have enough problems, I don't want to be dirty. I wonder if I could I ever bring another man into my life in the future with young son?
I feel so stuck and unloved, not a pity party, just the way I'm feeling tonight.
I'm just tired of the pain, and grief.
I sit here thinking, would anyone ever want me if I was divorced. I wouldn't dare mess around still being married, because of my belief in the commandments, thou shalt not commit adultery. I wouldn't want to defile myself. I have enough problems, I don't want to be dirty. I wonder if I could I ever bring another man into my life in the future with young son?
I feel so stuck and unloved, not a pity party, just the way I'm feeling tonight.
I'm just tired of the pain, and grief.
Horrible Week, even worse tonight.
My youngest daughter, age 26 going on 10, just stormed out of the house and left her 6 month old here saying she didn't want her anymore. Of course, first she had to tell me how heartless I was and it was no wonder my middle daughter is an addict the way I treat them. (I know she didn't mean the daughter part.)
Youngest is close to being an alcoholic, like her dad, and I know I can't help that. She has anger issues that are beyond belief, thinks the world should revolve around her, and is incapable of holding jobs for long because she treats people like dirt. She hooked up with a diehard alcoholic and it's been love, hate, live together, move out, for the last 4 years or so. Last time she lived with us it was to get a new start, blah, blah, blah and all she did was make a mess and chase bf around. When she left to move back in with him my husband said she was never allowed to move back in or he would leave. He means it. She has also moved in with her oldest sister a couple times and has done the same thing, sister also says no more. BF isn't physically abusive but his words cut likes knives, sends her into a fury and she is the one who most often reacts physically.
Of course into all this she has to bring a baby. Beautiful little girl and is one of the happiest babies I've ever had. She is precious. When daughter was pregnant she was still on SSI and had to take some counseling classes and they really helped. She was talking about some college courses and was getting some self-esteem. She had to give up SSI when she moved in with boyfriend and signed off services for a year. Now bf is on a tangent that he wants nothing to do with her anymore. Wants her out of the apartment (this is partly her fault in so that she had to go and get drunk a couple weeks ago and do nothing but fight and so on) and yet he tells her she can stay for the baby's sake and then treats her like dirt and makes ugly remark all night. She says she can't take it anymore and needs to get out and she's losing her mind.
So now tonight, I'm heartless because I won't let her move in here and give up my husband for my own daughter, the one I gave birth to. That I don't care about the h##l she is living in. I won't even give her hugs, (used to but then she say I don't want hugs I need help) can't win in that department. She has no girlfriends because they can't stand her for long. She's some one you just can reason with. Said she's not going to work tomorrow (she works 2 days a week at Dollar General), she's quitting and leaving town. I just kinda sat there through the tirade and that ticked her off so she slammed out the door.
I don't know what to do. I do feel kinda heartless and I feel trapped. I'm mad that she doesn't ever attack her dad, who moved back in with his mother and could perfectly well share an apartment with her, and he just gets to drift along with none of this. I've told her to go to the women's shelter uptown and that really made her blow. Almost wish I had that one on film.
Right now my anxiety is so high I think I'm having a heart attack. I guess I just needed someone to talk to. My hubby just doesn't want to hear it anymore.
Youngest is close to being an alcoholic, like her dad, and I know I can't help that. She has anger issues that are beyond belief, thinks the world should revolve around her, and is incapable of holding jobs for long because she treats people like dirt. She hooked up with a diehard alcoholic and it's been love, hate, live together, move out, for the last 4 years or so. Last time she lived with us it was to get a new start, blah, blah, blah and all she did was make a mess and chase bf around. When she left to move back in with him my husband said she was never allowed to move back in or he would leave. He means it. She has also moved in with her oldest sister a couple times and has done the same thing, sister also says no more. BF isn't physically abusive but his words cut likes knives, sends her into a fury and she is the one who most often reacts physically.
Of course into all this she has to bring a baby. Beautiful little girl and is one of the happiest babies I've ever had. She is precious. When daughter was pregnant she was still on SSI and had to take some counseling classes and they really helped. She was talking about some college courses and was getting some self-esteem. She had to give up SSI when she moved in with boyfriend and signed off services for a year. Now bf is on a tangent that he wants nothing to do with her anymore. Wants her out of the apartment (this is partly her fault in so that she had to go and get drunk a couple weeks ago and do nothing but fight and so on) and yet he tells her she can stay for the baby's sake and then treats her like dirt and makes ugly remark all night. She says she can't take it anymore and needs to get out and she's losing her mind.
So now tonight, I'm heartless because I won't let her move in here and give up my husband for my own daughter, the one I gave birth to. That I don't care about the h##l she is living in. I won't even give her hugs, (used to but then she say I don't want hugs I need help) can't win in that department. She has no girlfriends because they can't stand her for long. She's some one you just can reason with. Said she's not going to work tomorrow (she works 2 days a week at Dollar General), she's quitting and leaving town. I just kinda sat there through the tirade and that ticked her off so she slammed out the door.
I don't know what to do. I do feel kinda heartless and I feel trapped. I'm mad that she doesn't ever attack her dad, who moved back in with his mother and could perfectly well share an apartment with her, and he just gets to drift along with none of this. I've told her to go to the women's shelter uptown and that really made her blow. Almost wish I had that one on film.
Right now my anxiety is so high I think I'm having a heart attack. I guess I just needed someone to talk to. My hubby just doesn't want to hear it anymore.
