Archive for the ‘Bender’ tag
looking for some advice on NA from those who’ve used it
I'm wrestling with something.
To make a long story short, my ASisters bf stood by her through a lot of her bad using periods, up to and including arrests for faking prescriptions. It really took a toll on him. Just as she was about to start her latest rehab she found out she was pregnant. I guess the stress of it all made him go out on a bender and come home in such a raging state the police had to come and haul him away.
That was a month or two ago. Since then he's had a charge hanging over his head and until its resolved he has to live elsewhere. As stressful as its been for the two of them she's kept up her treatments and doctors appointments pretty well, and he also seems to have benefited from the time apart from her. They've both had a bit of time to work on themselves.
The drawback is it has required a lot of expensive travel on his part to get to work, living away. He wants to add me as a surety to be closer to work and to her.
I feel he might really benefit from NA (or at the very least, joining this forum). He's dealt with a lot of her issues either alone, or with just me to talk and vent to. If I'm going to agree to be one of his sureties, I can insist that he come with me to try out NA. Even though she is doing really well in recovery, I want him to have better supports this time around dealing with all the ups and downs that will surely come. Joining a support group to help himself will also look good when he has to deal with his own charge in court.
So my questions, from someone who's never been to an NA meeting:
a) should we be in the same meeting, since we have an addict in common but we have two different relationships with her?
b) is it right that I'd make him go? he's open to the idea, but I have this vague fear that if its a room full of people telling him his relationship with her is doomed and he should detach and get out....it'll be on me for throwing a wrench into their attempt at rebuilding their lives.
I don't want to be trying to steer their relationship, but he needs other,knowledgeable people to talk to. I'm thrilled he's still here after all this time, and willing to give it all yet another chance, but I find it really hard listening to the awful things he's had to put up with over the years and all his fears and suspicions, because it weighs down on me and also makes it impossible for me to be neutral support to her. If that makes sense.
To make a long story short, my ASisters bf stood by her through a lot of her bad using periods, up to and including arrests for faking prescriptions. It really took a toll on him. Just as she was about to start her latest rehab she found out she was pregnant. I guess the stress of it all made him go out on a bender and come home in such a raging state the police had to come and haul him away.
That was a month or two ago. Since then he's had a charge hanging over his head and until its resolved he has to live elsewhere. As stressful as its been for the two of them she's kept up her treatments and doctors appointments pretty well, and he also seems to have benefited from the time apart from her. They've both had a bit of time to work on themselves.
The drawback is it has required a lot of expensive travel on his part to get to work, living away. He wants to add me as a surety to be closer to work and to her.
I feel he might really benefit from NA (or at the very least, joining this forum). He's dealt with a lot of her issues either alone, or with just me to talk and vent to. If I'm going to agree to be one of his sureties, I can insist that he come with me to try out NA. Even though she is doing really well in recovery, I want him to have better supports this time around dealing with all the ups and downs that will surely come. Joining a support group to help himself will also look good when he has to deal with his own charge in court.
So my questions, from someone who's never been to an NA meeting:
a) should we be in the same meeting, since we have an addict in common but we have two different relationships with her?
b) is it right that I'd make him go? he's open to the idea, but I have this vague fear that if its a room full of people telling him his relationship with her is doomed and he should detach and get out....it'll be on me for throwing a wrench into their attempt at rebuilding their lives.
I don't want to be trying to steer their relationship, but he needs other,knowledgeable people to talk to. I'm thrilled he's still here after all this time, and willing to give it all yet another chance, but I find it really hard listening to the awful things he's had to put up with over the years and all his fears and suspicions, because it weighs down on me and also makes it impossible for me to be neutral support to her. If that makes sense.
Newbie saying hello
I wanted to share a little about myself as a newcomer. I am an alcoholic addict. I have 19 days clean and sober after a pretty bad relapse. Prior to that I nearly had three months.
I am pretty green I guess you could say.
I am basically a binge drinker. I can go for a month sober and then something will go wrong and I will go on one :Xmaselfd of a bender. This usually riddles me with guilt and embarrassment. The older I get the worse the drunk. I black out. THe second half of my addiction and most dangerous is my desire for cocaine after a few drinks. It is powerful.
I go to AA and NA in my community and also therapy. I want very much a good peaceful and sober life. I am feeling much better, however my significant other (SO) continues to drink and party. We live together. He does it out of the house but comes home under the influence. He lies about having to work, etc, so that he can go drink and he thinks this is being kind to me. I become very angry and upset. This is what had lead to my last relapse...the contant disappointment and astonishment that he thinks I am wrong and he is right.
Anyway, I got sober..he didn't. I am clean and sober and reaching out to all forms of support. I tried to reach out to his family and see if they could influence him in some way but they said that he did not drink and that he was a hard worker and if I was nicer to him maybe he would come home more.:Xmasnstar
They put the funk in dysfunctional.
I am pretty green I guess you could say.
I am basically a binge drinker. I can go for a month sober and then something will go wrong and I will go on one :Xmaselfd of a bender. This usually riddles me with guilt and embarrassment. The older I get the worse the drunk. I black out. THe second half of my addiction and most dangerous is my desire for cocaine after a few drinks. It is powerful.
I go to AA and NA in my community and also therapy. I want very much a good peaceful and sober life. I am feeling much better, however my significant other (SO) continues to drink and party. We live together. He does it out of the house but comes home under the influence. He lies about having to work, etc, so that he can go drink and he thinks this is being kind to me. I become very angry and upset. This is what had lead to my last relapse...the contant disappointment and astonishment that he thinks I am wrong and he is right.
Anyway, I got sober..he didn't. I am clean and sober and reaching out to all forms of support. I tried to reach out to his family and see if they could influence him in some way but they said that he did not drink and that he was a hard worker and if I was nicer to him maybe he would come home more.:Xmasnstar
They put the funk in dysfunctional.
The Real Problem
"We know that while the alcoholic keeps away from drink as he may do for months or years, he reacts much like other men. We are equally positive that once he takes any alcohol whatever into his system, something happens, both in the bodily and mental sense, which makes it virtually impossible for him to stop. The experience of any alcoholic will abundantly confirm that.
These observations would be academic and pointless if our friend never took the first drink thereby setting the terrible cycle in motion. Therefore, the real problem of the alcoholic centers in his mind, rather than in his body. If you ask him why he started on that last bender, the chances are he will offer you any one of a hundred alibis. Sometimes these excuses have a certain plausibility, but none of them really make sense in the light of the havoc an alcoholic's drinking bout creates. They sound to you like the philosophy of the man who, having a headache, beat himself on the head with a hammer so that he couldn't feel the ache. If you draw this fallacious reasoning to the attention of an alcoholic, he will laugh it off, or become irritated and refuse to talk."
:HOXmasrd
These observations would be academic and pointless if our friend never took the first drink thereby setting the terrible cycle in motion. Therefore, the real problem of the alcoholic centers in his mind, rather than in his body. If you ask him why he started on that last bender, the chances are he will offer you any one of a hundred alibis. Sometimes these excuses have a certain plausibility, but none of them really make sense in the light of the havoc an alcoholic's drinking bout creates. They sound to you like the philosophy of the man who, having a headache, beat himself on the head with a hammer so that he couldn't feel the ache. If you draw this fallacious reasoning to the attention of an alcoholic, he will laugh it off, or become irritated and refuse to talk."
:HOXmasrd
Four days, confused and heart-broken
Hello all,
I have four days today after a long battle with resisting the first drink. I have been to treatment three times and in and out of A.A. halls for the last two years and in that time have never been able to get more than thirty days together. I don't know what I'm not doing, but it sure feels like something is missing. But then again, I haven't been very diligent in trying to find a sponsor. I have been going to meetings, reading the big book daily and reading tons of wonderful recovery-based blogs but something doesn't feel right. I have managed to stay sober longer on my own without going to meetings than when I do go to meetings. So I wonder if A.A. is right for me, yet I always end up in a meeting after a bender, getting her 24 hour coin for the millionth time.
I'm also having a hard time with some major wreckage that I did during my last binge. I was seeing a very sweet guy earlier this year who put up with alot of my drunken crap, I'm still amazed at how large his reserves of patience were. He saw me go into treatment and was very supportive of that, but then when I drank again and he gave me the boot.
We recently started talking again and agreed to see each other on my birthday last week, but I really screwed that one up too. He never called me for some reason and so I got mad, and used it as an excuse to get all good and wasted and called him twenty-billion times and screamed at him on his voicemail. Needless to say, he wants NOTHING to do with me now. And it breaks my heart. I know that he is the last person I should be thinking of, but I wonder if anyone has any advice or experience on how to get over someone in early recovery because it usually takes me a very long time by myself, and usually I drink over it.
Thanks in advance,
Dita
I have four days today after a long battle with resisting the first drink. I have been to treatment three times and in and out of A.A. halls for the last two years and in that time have never been able to get more than thirty days together. I don't know what I'm not doing, but it sure feels like something is missing. But then again, I haven't been very diligent in trying to find a sponsor. I have been going to meetings, reading the big book daily and reading tons of wonderful recovery-based blogs but something doesn't feel right. I have managed to stay sober longer on my own without going to meetings than when I do go to meetings. So I wonder if A.A. is right for me, yet I always end up in a meeting after a bender, getting her 24 hour coin for the millionth time.
I'm also having a hard time with some major wreckage that I did during my last binge. I was seeing a very sweet guy earlier this year who put up with alot of my drunken crap, I'm still amazed at how large his reserves of patience were. He saw me go into treatment and was very supportive of that, but then when I drank again and he gave me the boot.
We recently started talking again and agreed to see each other on my birthday last week, but I really screwed that one up too. He never called me for some reason and so I got mad, and used it as an excuse to get all good and wasted and called him twenty-billion times and screamed at him on his voicemail. Needless to say, he wants NOTHING to do with me now. And it breaks my heart. I know that he is the last person I should be thinking of, but I wonder if anyone has any advice or experience on how to get over someone in early recovery because it usually takes me a very long time by myself, and usually I drink over it.
Thanks in advance,
Dita
My secret..
Hi All,
I hope you can offer me some suggestions or understanding..
I'm a 23 year old female and the daughter of a drunk.
My dad has been a drunk for as long as I can remember and is also father to 3fantastic children and has a wonderful wife who he married at the age of 19. My dad is now in his 50's and after a lifetime of drugs/alcohol abuse and years of rehab is still a drunk.
This is the first post for me, and also the first time that I have told my secret as I was made to feel ashamed and embarrassed as a child about my father.
Dad has had years and years of support and love from his family and was sober for a period of 6 years after my baby brother was born (now 15 years old). My dad is also has depression and dipolar.
My childhood is filled with no happy memories of my father, only those of being in a dressing gown on a cold winters night when we would drive around for hours looking for my dad only to find him in a pub, police station, or hospital beaten up.
Dad has been suicidal all his life and have lost count of the amount of times his wanted to kill himself even though he has a loving family.
I left home when I was 15 years old to escape the sad depressing lifestyle that I had at home, an older sister who was also suicidal (inherited bipolar from my dad) and mother who was mean, abusive and took her anger out on myself as a teenager.
Long story short, I'm now 23, my dad lives at home with my Mum/sister/brother in another state and I'm in Queensland with my future husband.
Dad goes through periods where he is sober for 6 months then disappears on a bender for a week at a time taking drugs, speed, etc gets beaten up then arrives back home a few weeks later.. his in a depressive state for weeks following then improves and does the same thing all over again.
His been given everything to try and make him 'happy', cars (his passion) a baby son, etc but nothing helps.
How long will this go on for? My dads in his 50's now and still acting like an 18 year old.. he was drinking in a car park all by himself last night until the early hours of the morning.. he doesn?t understand alcohol makes his depression worse, he hears voices and gets himself in trouble when ever his drunk.
Its painful to see my little brother live through what I did, seeing you dad come home with a broken nose/black eyes from more pub fights and worrying about him being suicidal constantly. Then you?re mum constantly crying because she cant cope.
I love my dad. When his sober (and takes his medication) his fantastic, kind, gentle, caring, generous, funny, just a fantastic guy.. but when my dads a drunk it causes so much pain.. I don?t know how much more my mum can take.. she tries to kick him out or send him to rehab (for the 20th time) but then he says he will kill himself.
What can I do? I know nothing can change until he helps himself, but what do I do, sit back and watch him drink until his death?
We have tried holidays, medication, rehab, talking to him, letters... nothing works for more than a few months... I feel so disappointed all over again...
:c004:
Any my poor brother.. growing up living with all of this..
K.
I hope you can offer me some suggestions or understanding..
I'm a 23 year old female and the daughter of a drunk.
My dad has been a drunk for as long as I can remember and is also father to 3fantastic children and has a wonderful wife who he married at the age of 19. My dad is now in his 50's and after a lifetime of drugs/alcohol abuse and years of rehab is still a drunk.
This is the first post for me, and also the first time that I have told my secret as I was made to feel ashamed and embarrassed as a child about my father.
Dad has had years and years of support and love from his family and was sober for a period of 6 years after my baby brother was born (now 15 years old). My dad is also has depression and dipolar.
My childhood is filled with no happy memories of my father, only those of being in a dressing gown on a cold winters night when we would drive around for hours looking for my dad only to find him in a pub, police station, or hospital beaten up.
Dad has been suicidal all his life and have lost count of the amount of times his wanted to kill himself even though he has a loving family.
I left home when I was 15 years old to escape the sad depressing lifestyle that I had at home, an older sister who was also suicidal (inherited bipolar from my dad) and mother who was mean, abusive and took her anger out on myself as a teenager.
Long story short, I'm now 23, my dad lives at home with my Mum/sister/brother in another state and I'm in Queensland with my future husband.
Dad goes through periods where he is sober for 6 months then disappears on a bender for a week at a time taking drugs, speed, etc gets beaten up then arrives back home a few weeks later.. his in a depressive state for weeks following then improves and does the same thing all over again.
His been given everything to try and make him 'happy', cars (his passion) a baby son, etc but nothing helps.
How long will this go on for? My dads in his 50's now and still acting like an 18 year old.. he was drinking in a car park all by himself last night until the early hours of the morning.. he doesn?t understand alcohol makes his depression worse, he hears voices and gets himself in trouble when ever his drunk.
Its painful to see my little brother live through what I did, seeing you dad come home with a broken nose/black eyes from more pub fights and worrying about him being suicidal constantly. Then you?re mum constantly crying because she cant cope.
I love my dad. When his sober (and takes his medication) his fantastic, kind, gentle, caring, generous, funny, just a fantastic guy.. but when my dads a drunk it causes so much pain.. I don?t know how much more my mum can take.. she tries to kick him out or send him to rehab (for the 20th time) but then he says he will kill himself.
What can I do? I know nothing can change until he helps himself, but what do I do, sit back and watch him drink until his death?
We have tried holidays, medication, rehab, talking to him, letters... nothing works for more than a few months... I feel so disappointed all over again...
:c004:
Any my poor brother.. growing up living with all of this..
K.
Help
I just went on a 4 day bender which finished last night around midnight. I did not go to work today because I am still drunk. I don't feel nearly as bad as I think I should, but I'm very scared. My sister is coming over to be with me.
I have a lot of anxiety right now. I feel like I might die. What should I do? Just stay home and rest? I'm done guys. Done drinking. It's killing me. I have to stop.
A part of me wants to go to the hospital but I have no real condition that would require it except for feeling of guilt, shame, and humiliation.
I have a lot of anxiety right now. I feel like I might die. What should I do? Just stay home and rest? I'm done guys. Done drinking. It's killing me. I have to stop.
A part of me wants to go to the hospital but I have no real condition that would require it except for feeling of guilt, shame, and humiliation.
Many realities …
I've recently celebrated my fiftieth birthday.
I'm amazed at the reflection that involved.
Huh.
Must be what people do if they don't drink away another day, huh?
They think about stuff.
I'm getting to an age
where to review this life...
takes a bit of time and sorting.
I used to be able to turn a simple birthday into a week long bender for everyone within a mile of me.
Anyhow:
I've a friend who's returned to drinking as their priority.
He's been in and out of the rooms for a couple of years now
and can never get to that third step...
which is what I couldn't do that first trip to AA back six years ago
or maybe it was seven.
Recently, he visited my house
and tried to tell me how out of control his life is becoming.
As if he couldn't understand why.
I was amazed to hear myself.
And I felt so ... detached ... while listening to him.
His inability to stop drinking ...
was not my 'fault'.
That is, far as I know -
the first time that was ever so ...
*clear* to me.
It was as clear as neon lights
he was not asking me for recovery
he was just 'running his riff'
so ...
I was not responsible.
He wasn't asking for help.
I heard myself saying something to him that
I would like to share because it's been quite thought provoking for me.
I have learned that there are many many realities
but there are only two worlds:
In one world there is hope
In the other ... there is none.
You so much as chage your mind about lunch...
and you've changed your reality.
But all those realities
can be taken down into two
and only two
worlds.
Hope.
Or No hope.
I have lived in both worlds.
I know what it's like in the world he's chosen.
I remember that world.
A cold, superficial ... shallow world
and I'm just another cold lifeless speck of sand
on the great beach of existance.
And I remember what it took for me to get out.
For existance ... is not life.
Thank GOD for the Program of Alcoholics Anonymous
and for the individuals who help me day to day to choose life.
Today -
I choose the world with hope.
Every day.
I choose.
Thanks.
Needed to share that.:chatter
I'm amazed at the reflection that involved.
Huh.
Must be what people do if they don't drink away another day, huh?
They think about stuff.
I'm getting to an age
where to review this life...
takes a bit of time and sorting.
I used to be able to turn a simple birthday into a week long bender for everyone within a mile of me.
Anyhow:
I've a friend who's returned to drinking as their priority.
He's been in and out of the rooms for a couple of years now
and can never get to that third step...
which is what I couldn't do that first trip to AA back six years ago
or maybe it was seven.
Recently, he visited my house
and tried to tell me how out of control his life is becoming.
As if he couldn't understand why.
I was amazed to hear myself.
And I felt so ... detached ... while listening to him.
His inability to stop drinking ...
was not my 'fault'.
That is, far as I know -
the first time that was ever so ...
*clear* to me.
It was as clear as neon lights
he was not asking me for recovery
he was just 'running his riff'
so ...
I was not responsible.
He wasn't asking for help.
I heard myself saying something to him that
I would like to share because it's been quite thought provoking for me.
I have learned that there are many many realities
but there are only two worlds:
In one world there is hope
In the other ... there is none.
You so much as chage your mind about lunch...
and you've changed your reality.
But all those realities
can be taken down into two
and only two
worlds.
Hope.
Or No hope.
I have lived in both worlds.
I know what it's like in the world he's chosen.
I remember that world.
A cold, superficial ... shallow world
and I'm just another cold lifeless speck of sand
on the great beach of existance.
And I remember what it took for me to get out.
For existance ... is not life.
Thank GOD for the Program of Alcoholics Anonymous
and for the individuals who help me day to day to choose life.
Today -
I choose the world with hope.
Every day.
I choose.
Thanks.
Needed to share that.:chatter
can it be real
As there is no al-anon in the northern community where I live (there was but they don't meet anymore and the other closest one is half an hour away on Wednesday's at 7:00 which doesnt leave me time to get there after work) I have been reading posts as my own personal al-anon.
I have gained strength and insight into myself and my relationship since I started(wow am I co-dependant..working on that..) and don't feel so alone. Thanks for the help.
I was married for 19 years to an alcoholic husband who drank heavy everyday and every three to five months would go on a bender that was out of this world. And during that bender, his self hatred would come out as hatred for me. He would say horrible things to me like I was a waste of space, ugly, a bad mother, and so on. Then, the next day when he woke up and couldn't remember, I would bring up what he said and his reply..."OMG, I am sooooooooooo sorry, I was drunk, didn't mean it and you should forget about it." Then he played nice guy for a while, then he'd drink more and more, then three to five months later, play the whole scene out again and leave me to pick up the pieces which I became really good at doing so the kids didn't really have to see it and the neighbours didn't really know.
On August the 18th this year, I somehow grew a backbone and told him not for one single second of one more day will I deal with it. Enough. Finished. I was done. We were done. Well, that seemed to be his bottom. He got help. He has been going to AA for two months now and celebrated 2 months sober on October the 24th. I know he is sober because even though we separated, he still lives in the house, he just has his own room and space. He is trying really hard to change, he helps around the house and even makes dinner if I come home from work and I am just wiped out. Does his own laundry and is cleaning up his messy areas like his work shop.
He says he wants to put us back together, but I don't know. I have been through this honeymoon before. I know it is too soon to even think about it and I am trying really hard to keep my boundaries in place, look after myself and my two kids who are still at home(we have 4) and try and help them through this at the same time.
He went to his meeting tonight and asked someone to be his sponsor which shows me he is serious about staying sober and working his program to get healthy, something he hasn't been since he was about 16 years old. I take this as a good sign.
What I am wondering is if there is anyone who stayed with their AH through the recovery and had it work out?? I would love to believe that it is possible, but I am wondering if I am using my rose-coloured glasses again and I need a reality check.
I have gained strength and insight into myself and my relationship since I started(wow am I co-dependant..working on that..) and don't feel so alone. Thanks for the help.
I was married for 19 years to an alcoholic husband who drank heavy everyday and every three to five months would go on a bender that was out of this world. And during that bender, his self hatred would come out as hatred for me. He would say horrible things to me like I was a waste of space, ugly, a bad mother, and so on. Then, the next day when he woke up and couldn't remember, I would bring up what he said and his reply..."OMG, I am sooooooooooo sorry, I was drunk, didn't mean it and you should forget about it." Then he played nice guy for a while, then he'd drink more and more, then three to five months later, play the whole scene out again and leave me to pick up the pieces which I became really good at doing so the kids didn't really have to see it and the neighbours didn't really know.
On August the 18th this year, I somehow grew a backbone and told him not for one single second of one more day will I deal with it. Enough. Finished. I was done. We were done. Well, that seemed to be his bottom. He got help. He has been going to AA for two months now and celebrated 2 months sober on October the 24th. I know he is sober because even though we separated, he still lives in the house, he just has his own room and space. He is trying really hard to change, he helps around the house and even makes dinner if I come home from work and I am just wiped out. Does his own laundry and is cleaning up his messy areas like his work shop.
He says he wants to put us back together, but I don't know. I have been through this honeymoon before. I know it is too soon to even think about it and I am trying really hard to keep my boundaries in place, look after myself and my two kids who are still at home(we have 4) and try and help them through this at the same time.
He went to his meeting tonight and asked someone to be his sponsor which shows me he is serious about staying sober and working his program to get healthy, something he hasn't been since he was about 16 years old. I take this as a good sign.
What I am wondering is if there is anyone who stayed with their AH through the recovery and had it work out?? I would love to believe that it is possible, but I am wondering if I am using my rose-coloured glasses again and I need a reality check.
I’m back, unfortunately.
I joined a few months ago when I was quitting. I lasted like 3 or 4 days and then yet again came up with some excuse about how I needed or deserved to drink. I've drank every single day since then, and am just coming out of a 4 day bender. Unfortunately since last time I quit my alcoholism has progressed a little more and I'm having terrible withdrawals. I'm just now able to type again, my hands were shaking so bad. And I had a panic attack upon awakening. This really sucks but I really need to quit. I told myself that I could manage to drink like normal people. Ha. Yeah right. I'm an alcoholic for sure.
I'm scared to go to a meeting though. I'm really shy. My old cure for shyness was drinking though. I don't want to walk in there and have everyone stare at me and wonder why I'm there or think I'm to young to be an alcoholic. I wish I had someone to go with.:frown:
I'm scared to go to a meeting though. I'm really shy. My old cure for shyness was drinking though. I don't want to walk in there and have everyone stare at me and wonder why I'm there or think I'm to young to be an alcoholic. I wish I had someone to go with.:frown:
Bump in the road
I knew stbxah had a bender the other night into the wee hours of the morning. I finally got around to looking at the computer history to see what he was doing (at my lawyer's request). It was erased. This sent me into a talespin and I'm still dizzy from it. I obsessed for well over an hour. Where has he been? What was he doing? I prayed and prayed, gave it over to God... but I'm still thinking about it... we'll I'm still thinking about how I'm thinking about it. Is that progress? I AM focusing on me... but it's not healthy. I gotta find my zen. I know I had it yesterday. Anyone seen it?
