Archive for the ‘Benefit Of The Doubt’ tag
need advice
After reading some of the issues that others have here, mine don't seem so bad, but they are mine & they are consuming my life. Here's my story...
My husband's crack addiction started several years ago after his best friend passed away. Back then he was my boyfriend. We had been together for several years, were living together & had a child.
It started gradually & took some time before I realized that he was becoming an addict. The problems started with him not answering his phone when I called & then not coming home at night. Eventually, it got to the point where he was shirking off his responsibilities. I would get phone calls from our daycare, after hours, asking if anyone was coming to pick up our daughter. I would apologize profusely & scramble to go pick her up. They would scowl & I would apologize more, assuring them that it wouldn't happen again. This happened more than a few times. Eventually, I just started picking her up myself all the time.
I couldn't rely on him for anything anymore. If he told me that he would run an errand, I didn't believe him. I would try to give him the benefit of the doubt but after being burned so many times, it was easier just to take care of everything myself, no matter how thin I stretched myself, rather than having to rely on him, the whole time thinking to myself, "Is he really going to come through this time...?..." only to be disappointed yet again & have to inconvenience myself even further later in the day/evening & run the errand myself.
I never knew what was going to happen from one day to the next. He kept saying that he would stop but he never did. My life was chaos.
In the end, he got so bold as to just start bringing the drugs home & doing them in the garage! It didn't matter that I would come to the door, be standing less than 6 feet away from him & yelling (not to mention that our 2 year old would come to the door to see what was going on) - he would look at me with his glazed over eyes, not raise his voice, but in a very "under the influence" tone, direct me to leave him alone & that he was "almost done"!
Eventually I left him.
We stayed in contact. After all, we had a daughter together & I still loved him. If he could just get the drugs under control we could still be together.
Life was different. The drugs weren't in my face anymore. He wasn't a constant in my life. I wasn't yelling at him. I didn't know what he was doing. I wasn't relying on him.
It worked for a while & then we started to get closer again. We didn't talk much about the drugs, other than me asking him if he'd stopped. And he never lied - he was always honest. So I always knew what was going on - if I asked.
After about a year, we got back together for good. He's been clean for over 2 years now, we've gotten married & had another child. The drugs are out of our lives...until last week...when he didn't show up for Christmas Eve.
We planned to finish our holiday shopping together earlier in the day & it didn't phase me too much when he didn't show up for that, but when he didn't show up later that evening for our planned Christmas celebration with my family, I started to worry. The drugs crossed my mind briefly but I quickly pushed that thought out - I didn't want to go that route again.
When he showed up (yes, later that evening), I simply asked him what happened. His reply..."You know." And I knew.
My instinct reaction is anger, then disappointment, then back to anger. "I will not go through this again!" "You had better figure out a way to control yourself!" etc, etc, etc...
He conveys to me how disappointed he is in himself & says that he'll go to meetings (he never sought treatment for the first go-around).
It's been just over a week (to some this is no time & to others I'm sure this is too long) but there has not been another mention of any type of treatment or any meetings & now he's been MIA since Friday at 6pm.
I don't want to do this again & it feel like I'm headed down a familiar road. I have no idea what to expect from him. I don't know if this will be the last time - I'm hopeful but not dumb...it will probably happen again. I don't want to do this again & I don't want my kids exposed to the type of environment that this will bring to our household - but I want their father there for them...ahhhhhhh...what to do, what to do...my mind is racing but I'm not getting anywhere!
I've been on this computer for hours searching support groups in my area. I plan to attend the next meeting that is available to me this week, but in the meantime, wanted to get advice from anyone who can offer, anyone who is more experienced with addiction than I...
Much of the information that I found on the web re: support seemed to be geared toward parents of addicts. It was very difficult for me to find information that would be helpful to me, the spouse of an addict with young children.
Any advice would be appreciated!
My husband's crack addiction started several years ago after his best friend passed away. Back then he was my boyfriend. We had been together for several years, were living together & had a child.
It started gradually & took some time before I realized that he was becoming an addict. The problems started with him not answering his phone when I called & then not coming home at night. Eventually, it got to the point where he was shirking off his responsibilities. I would get phone calls from our daycare, after hours, asking if anyone was coming to pick up our daughter. I would apologize profusely & scramble to go pick her up. They would scowl & I would apologize more, assuring them that it wouldn't happen again. This happened more than a few times. Eventually, I just started picking her up myself all the time.
I couldn't rely on him for anything anymore. If he told me that he would run an errand, I didn't believe him. I would try to give him the benefit of the doubt but after being burned so many times, it was easier just to take care of everything myself, no matter how thin I stretched myself, rather than having to rely on him, the whole time thinking to myself, "Is he really going to come through this time...?..." only to be disappointed yet again & have to inconvenience myself even further later in the day/evening & run the errand myself.
I never knew what was going to happen from one day to the next. He kept saying that he would stop but he never did. My life was chaos.
In the end, he got so bold as to just start bringing the drugs home & doing them in the garage! It didn't matter that I would come to the door, be standing less than 6 feet away from him & yelling (not to mention that our 2 year old would come to the door to see what was going on) - he would look at me with his glazed over eyes, not raise his voice, but in a very "under the influence" tone, direct me to leave him alone & that he was "almost done"!
Eventually I left him.
We stayed in contact. After all, we had a daughter together & I still loved him. If he could just get the drugs under control we could still be together.
Life was different. The drugs weren't in my face anymore. He wasn't a constant in my life. I wasn't yelling at him. I didn't know what he was doing. I wasn't relying on him.
It worked for a while & then we started to get closer again. We didn't talk much about the drugs, other than me asking him if he'd stopped. And he never lied - he was always honest. So I always knew what was going on - if I asked.
After about a year, we got back together for good. He's been clean for over 2 years now, we've gotten married & had another child. The drugs are out of our lives...until last week...when he didn't show up for Christmas Eve.
We planned to finish our holiday shopping together earlier in the day & it didn't phase me too much when he didn't show up for that, but when he didn't show up later that evening for our planned Christmas celebration with my family, I started to worry. The drugs crossed my mind briefly but I quickly pushed that thought out - I didn't want to go that route again.
When he showed up (yes, later that evening), I simply asked him what happened. His reply..."You know." And I knew.
My instinct reaction is anger, then disappointment, then back to anger. "I will not go through this again!" "You had better figure out a way to control yourself!" etc, etc, etc...
He conveys to me how disappointed he is in himself & says that he'll go to meetings (he never sought treatment for the first go-around).
It's been just over a week (to some this is no time & to others I'm sure this is too long) but there has not been another mention of any type of treatment or any meetings & now he's been MIA since Friday at 6pm.
I don't want to do this again & it feel like I'm headed down a familiar road. I have no idea what to expect from him. I don't know if this will be the last time - I'm hopeful but not dumb...it will probably happen again. I don't want to do this again & I don't want my kids exposed to the type of environment that this will bring to our household - but I want their father there for them...ahhhhhhh...what to do, what to do...my mind is racing but I'm not getting anywhere!
I've been on this computer for hours searching support groups in my area. I plan to attend the next meeting that is available to me this week, but in the meantime, wanted to get advice from anyone who can offer, anyone who is more experienced with addiction than I...
Much of the information that I found on the web re: support seemed to be geared toward parents of addicts. It was very difficult for me to find information that would be helpful to me, the spouse of an addict with young children.
Any advice would be appreciated!
New here, and with a question
Hello everyone. I've been reading this forum for a few weeks now, and you all seem very friendly and knowledgeable, so I hope it's OK if I jump right in.
My husband of 7 years is struggling with his addiction to opiates. He has abused alcohol and a few other things in the past, but it's the opiates that have really drawn him in to where he's gotten pretty messed up. He was drinking and using most of 2007, until we (our marriage) hit rock bottom around Xmas of last year, and he sobered up. (I took our 3-year old daughter to my mom's for a few days and threatened to stay there if he couldn't get it together.) He did OK for a while, but he has had several relapses in 2008, and most recently, I found out that he had been using again during most of October of this year. Around the first week of November, he got so messed up that he fell and hit his head hard enough to make me wonder if he had a concussion (he didn't).
I never know (though sometimes suspect) that he's using. He's insanely good at hiding it, and while I often have a gu feeling -- I've learned to trust my my gut -- he's so convincing when he lies to my face and says he's just tired/sick/stressed/etc. that I have often given him the benefit of the doubt.
This time is different though. I've had it. I can't even tell you how traumatic all of this has been for me -- how terrifying, horrifying, devastating, etc. -- so no more. I absolutely insisted he get help this time, and so far, he has attended one counseling appointment. He still needs to call to set up the second. I'm trying hard not to bug him about it, but this is exactly my problem. I don't know when to get on him about something anymore, and when to lay off. I don't trust him anymore. That has been the saddest thing about all of this for me. He's a great person, and I want to be able to believe what he says and know he's telling me the truth, but I just can't anymore. He is very bothere about that and says we can never move forward if I'm not going to trust him and believe him, but seriously, that's going to take a while for me. A long while.
One other dilemma: We both work at the same place, and we are both well-respected by our colleages. It turns out, though, that a coworker had been giving my husband all kinds of pain pills from a recent surgery she had. He told her he gets migraines, and because he has a good reputation at work, I'm sure this woman totally believes him. My husband begged me not to say anything to her (now that I know) but I don't know what to do. I'm not angry at the coworker because it's HIS problem, HIS addiction, etc. and she's not a bad person. I'm sure she just thought she was being helpful. I would like to talk to her privately, thoughm, explain that my husband has an addiction we're trying hard to deal with, and ask her please never to give him anything ever again. My husband would be very embarassed if I did that (though of course I'd ask her not to say anything), so I'm torn. Again, it boils down to trust. Do I or don't I?
My husband of 7 years is struggling with his addiction to opiates. He has abused alcohol and a few other things in the past, but it's the opiates that have really drawn him in to where he's gotten pretty messed up. He was drinking and using most of 2007, until we (our marriage) hit rock bottom around Xmas of last year, and he sobered up. (I took our 3-year old daughter to my mom's for a few days and threatened to stay there if he couldn't get it together.) He did OK for a while, but he has had several relapses in 2008, and most recently, I found out that he had been using again during most of October of this year. Around the first week of November, he got so messed up that he fell and hit his head hard enough to make me wonder if he had a concussion (he didn't).
I never know (though sometimes suspect) that he's using. He's insanely good at hiding it, and while I often have a gu feeling -- I've learned to trust my my gut -- he's so convincing when he lies to my face and says he's just tired/sick/stressed/etc. that I have often given him the benefit of the doubt.
This time is different though. I've had it. I can't even tell you how traumatic all of this has been for me -- how terrifying, horrifying, devastating, etc. -- so no more. I absolutely insisted he get help this time, and so far, he has attended one counseling appointment. He still needs to call to set up the second. I'm trying hard not to bug him about it, but this is exactly my problem. I don't know when to get on him about something anymore, and when to lay off. I don't trust him anymore. That has been the saddest thing about all of this for me. He's a great person, and I want to be able to believe what he says and know he's telling me the truth, but I just can't anymore. He is very bothere about that and says we can never move forward if I'm not going to trust him and believe him, but seriously, that's going to take a while for me. A long while.
One other dilemma: We both work at the same place, and we are both well-respected by our colleages. It turns out, though, that a coworker had been giving my husband all kinds of pain pills from a recent surgery she had. He told her he gets migraines, and because he has a good reputation at work, I'm sure this woman totally believes him. My husband begged me not to say anything to her (now that I know) but I don't know what to do. I'm not angry at the coworker because it's HIS problem, HIS addiction, etc. and she's not a bad person. I'm sure she just thought she was being helpful. I would like to talk to her privately, thoughm, explain that my husband has an addiction we're trying hard to deal with, and ask her please never to give him anything ever again. My husband would be very embarassed if I did that (though of course I'd ask her not to say anything), so I'm torn. Again, it boils down to trust. Do I or don't I?
Need thoughts please
I would just like some feedback please. I do not know where else to find it (besides al anon mtg which H comes to with me).
We have an 18 year old daughter. 4 years of her addiction to alcohol, MJ, cold pills, huffing, etc. She was kicked out of her school (and the whole school district) early in 10th grade for coming to school drunk as a skunk. (taken to ER with .32 blood alcohol level). THis was at 9am in the morning.
Attended Charter School the best an addict can, ended up getting her GED about 3 months ago instead.
In the meantime has held a couple part time jobs (places where they don't drug test)--in fact the place she works at (a very popular sandwich chain)--they step out back and smoke pot during work. Lovely.
Saved enough about a year ago to buy a used car. Ended up jacking it up while under the influence.
That is just a small piece of our history---VERY small piece.
At this point my H and I are no longer on the same page with this whole thing. I am hardened, sad, angry, sick of the lying. H believes D under the most ridiculous circumtances. Doesn't think her coming home the other day at 2am swaying back and forth, means anything. We give her random urine tests. He gave her one the other night and when I say it I almost fell over. It was the most amazingly clear urine I had ever seen. And since it came up negative (10 panel) he was excited she was 'clean'. When I expressed my doubts about the test he said he has pee'd light before and she probably did this time. Took me 2 seconds to take the lid off and take a wiff (gross i know)....sure enough....toilet water. But NO, he wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt.
AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhh:c004:
I know some of you have had to be in this same boat at some time. I know he is enabling. I know all about that. But what did you do? What worked? WHat did not work? We have been married 22 years, I am a survivor of an affair he had about 5 years ago--we have been tight since then. But this addiction enabling is driving me away and he knows it.
We have an 18 year old daughter. 4 years of her addiction to alcohol, MJ, cold pills, huffing, etc. She was kicked out of her school (and the whole school district) early in 10th grade for coming to school drunk as a skunk. (taken to ER with .32 blood alcohol level). THis was at 9am in the morning.
Attended Charter School the best an addict can, ended up getting her GED about 3 months ago instead.
In the meantime has held a couple part time jobs (places where they don't drug test)--in fact the place she works at (a very popular sandwich chain)--they step out back and smoke pot during work. Lovely.
Saved enough about a year ago to buy a used car. Ended up jacking it up while under the influence.
That is just a small piece of our history---VERY small piece.
At this point my H and I are no longer on the same page with this whole thing. I am hardened, sad, angry, sick of the lying. H believes D under the most ridiculous circumtances. Doesn't think her coming home the other day at 2am swaying back and forth, means anything. We give her random urine tests. He gave her one the other night and when I say it I almost fell over. It was the most amazingly clear urine I had ever seen. And since it came up negative (10 panel) he was excited she was 'clean'. When I expressed my doubts about the test he said he has pee'd light before and she probably did this time. Took me 2 seconds to take the lid off and take a wiff (gross i know)....sure enough....toilet water. But NO, he wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt.
AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhh:c004:
I know some of you have had to be in this same boat at some time. I know he is enabling. I know all about that. But what did you do? What worked? WHat did not work? We have been married 22 years, I am a survivor of an affair he had about 5 years ago--we have been tight since then. But this addiction enabling is driving me away and he knows it.
Just in case you were wondering…
My addicted niece's hearing was today
For those new to my situation - Meth addicted niece convicted of first and second degree narcotics possesison - got probabtion, a little time at the workhouse, treatment and therapy, then went back to using and selling - just recently got caught again.
The judge said it was a borderline call and when it's borderline he gives the benefit of the doubt - so instead of the 11 years in prison that is hanging over her head, she got 7 months in the workhouse, plus more treatment, therapy, etc. The judge said that if she violates probation again, he will send her to prison.
The good news is - I have 7 months of not worrying about anything - not worrying about where she'll sleep, what she'll eat, if she'll die in the snow or if she'll come over and create drama. I get a chance to see what living a relatively normal life might be like.
I don't know if she'll pull it off, but if she violates probation, that's just more time of rest for me. May sound harsh - I love her a lot, but not like she has been. I'm glad she's off the streets - she has seemed psychotic to me and in the workhouse she'll get evaluated for mental illness.
I now realize that I was never in charge of any of this and it feels good to let go.
If any have prayers to spare, I'd appreciate one or two for her - that she finally gets a clue.
thanks all for the support while going through this.
For those new to my situation - Meth addicted niece convicted of first and second degree narcotics possesison - got probabtion, a little time at the workhouse, treatment and therapy, then went back to using and selling - just recently got caught again.
The judge said it was a borderline call and when it's borderline he gives the benefit of the doubt - so instead of the 11 years in prison that is hanging over her head, she got 7 months in the workhouse, plus more treatment, therapy, etc. The judge said that if she violates probation again, he will send her to prison.
The good news is - I have 7 months of not worrying about anything - not worrying about where she'll sleep, what she'll eat, if she'll die in the snow or if she'll come over and create drama. I get a chance to see what living a relatively normal life might be like.
I don't know if she'll pull it off, but if she violates probation, that's just more time of rest for me. May sound harsh - I love her a lot, but not like she has been. I'm glad she's off the streets - she has seemed psychotic to me and in the workhouse she'll get evaluated for mental illness.
I now realize that I was never in charge of any of this and it feels good to let go.
If any have prayers to spare, I'd appreciate one or two for her - that she finally gets a clue.
thanks all for the support while going through this.
