Archive for the ‘Best Friend’ tag
“Embracing Pain”
This post is sort of a spin-off of one I read last night written by someone who had been cut off by her best friend. This is about my "best friend" and I's relationship, the title will make more sense later. I just need to get this out, it will be the first time I have ever really spoken wholeheartedly about this situation.
My "best friend" and I have known each other since we were ten (22 years). And I've never fully related to her. She comes from an upper middle class 'normal' family and always had some kind of support whereas I come from a highly dysfunctional problematic one. She has alot of friends, a very free spirited life and I guess you could call her a "Trustafarian" (a term meaning someone who lives likes a hippie but has lots of money).
She's very feminist, into astrology and new-agey stuff whereas I am alot more pragmatic. She has no difficulty in finding a guy, and has had many very dysfunctional short-lived flings with men who are much older than her where I have had very few with men who were just as crazy but in different ways, yet she feels the men she's been with are superior of the "loser's" I've been with.
There was a time in our early twenties that she was behaving very stalker-ish and lashing out at men she was involved alot with which I thought was very unhealthy, but I think because I thought that she was always the "right" one, then I guess I could do it too. I picked up alot of this behavior and learned alot of tricks on stalking guys from her. In know way am I trying to blame her for my behavior, but I feel in many ways she has taught me to "embrace pain".
Our relationship has always been like a therapist to patient; I am the one always coming to her with my problems where she is the one "in control" and "together".
A few years ago she started doing some very strange things towards me; hooking up with my guy friends who I liked, acting very competitive and telling her friends and family *very* personal stuff about me and painting this picture of me to them that I was this alcoholic floozy/basket-case. In other words, she did every thing she could to be (or at least act) superior of me. One thing about her also, is that she has never had any other long-lasting close relationships with other women.
We had some major falling out's over this and it always ended up with her not seeing my view at all or apologizing, but gets extremely defensive and shouting at me and then profusely drowning me with "I love you, your my best friend". I have never been one to be very affectionate to the same sex, and there is something that feels very disingenuous and phony about saying that, especially when it comes from her.
She was just in town over the holidays and I did spend some time with her a couple of times but there was this unmistakable tension between us and it was especially awkward because it was around her family and not just the two of us like it usually is. She left without saying goodbye to me.
I could tell that we are drifting apart, but there was something really slap-in-the-face about that one. Then tonight I get a random text message from her saying, quite non-chalantly, that she's having alot of fun tonight in another town that she's passing through on her way home.
All I can say is, is that I feel very USED and I feel that she has been on this power-trip over me for the larger portion of our lives. I don't feel like I can continue to "play along" with her and act like nothing happened. Though everytime I tell her how I feel, she covers it up with this "I love you" band-aid and nothing really gets resolved or changes.
I feel it's really necessary for me to cut her off for once and for all, and start a new chapter in my life. I'm just not sure how to go about it. I've never been good at "absolutes", or maintaining the changes I've imposed on my life.
Alcoholism as also thrown a wrench in this as well; I'm not sure if she's really an alcoholic (she drinks often and sometimes to excess but doesn't black-out and knows when to stop) but her life is pretty much centered around alcohol and drinking-culture. Now it has added something new to our "Can't do together" list and a couple of times I feel she has kind of shoved that reality into my face; she has called me drunk, called me from bars, drank in front of me knowing full well how it made me feel and acts very condescending and treats me like a kid whose at a party their parents are having.
Has anyone ever been in this situation?
Thanks,
LD
My "best friend" and I have known each other since we were ten (22 years). And I've never fully related to her. She comes from an upper middle class 'normal' family and always had some kind of support whereas I come from a highly dysfunctional problematic one. She has alot of friends, a very free spirited life and I guess you could call her a "Trustafarian" (a term meaning someone who lives likes a hippie but has lots of money).
She's very feminist, into astrology and new-agey stuff whereas I am alot more pragmatic. She has no difficulty in finding a guy, and has had many very dysfunctional short-lived flings with men who are much older than her where I have had very few with men who were just as crazy but in different ways, yet she feels the men she's been with are superior of the "loser's" I've been with.
There was a time in our early twenties that she was behaving very stalker-ish and lashing out at men she was involved alot with which I thought was very unhealthy, but I think because I thought that she was always the "right" one, then I guess I could do it too. I picked up alot of this behavior and learned alot of tricks on stalking guys from her. In know way am I trying to blame her for my behavior, but I feel in many ways she has taught me to "embrace pain".
Our relationship has always been like a therapist to patient; I am the one always coming to her with my problems where she is the one "in control" and "together".
A few years ago she started doing some very strange things towards me; hooking up with my guy friends who I liked, acting very competitive and telling her friends and family *very* personal stuff about me and painting this picture of me to them that I was this alcoholic floozy/basket-case. In other words, she did every thing she could to be (or at least act) superior of me. One thing about her also, is that she has never had any other long-lasting close relationships with other women.
We had some major falling out's over this and it always ended up with her not seeing my view at all or apologizing, but gets extremely defensive and shouting at me and then profusely drowning me with "I love you, your my best friend". I have never been one to be very affectionate to the same sex, and there is something that feels very disingenuous and phony about saying that, especially when it comes from her.
She was just in town over the holidays and I did spend some time with her a couple of times but there was this unmistakable tension between us and it was especially awkward because it was around her family and not just the two of us like it usually is. She left without saying goodbye to me.
I could tell that we are drifting apart, but there was something really slap-in-the-face about that one. Then tonight I get a random text message from her saying, quite non-chalantly, that she's having alot of fun tonight in another town that she's passing through on her way home.
All I can say is, is that I feel very USED and I feel that she has been on this power-trip over me for the larger portion of our lives. I don't feel like I can continue to "play along" with her and act like nothing happened. Though everytime I tell her how I feel, she covers it up with this "I love you" band-aid and nothing really gets resolved or changes.
I feel it's really necessary for me to cut her off for once and for all, and start a new chapter in my life. I'm just not sure how to go about it. I've never been good at "absolutes", or maintaining the changes I've imposed on my life.
Alcoholism as also thrown a wrench in this as well; I'm not sure if she's really an alcoholic (she drinks often and sometimes to excess but doesn't black-out and knows when to stop) but her life is pretty much centered around alcohol and drinking-culture. Now it has added something new to our "Can't do together" list and a couple of times I feel she has kind of shoved that reality into my face; she has called me drunk, called me from bars, drank in front of me knowing full well how it made me feel and acts very condescending and treats me like a kid whose at a party their parents are having.
Has anyone ever been in this situation?
Thanks,
LD
need advice
After reading some of the issues that others have here, mine don't seem so bad, but they are mine & they are consuming my life. Here's my story...
My husband's crack addiction started several years ago after his best friend passed away. Back then he was my boyfriend. We had been together for several years, were living together & had a child.
It started gradually & took some time before I realized that he was becoming an addict. The problems started with him not answering his phone when I called & then not coming home at night. Eventually, it got to the point where he was shirking off his responsibilities. I would get phone calls from our daycare, after hours, asking if anyone was coming to pick up our daughter. I would apologize profusely & scramble to go pick her up. They would scowl & I would apologize more, assuring them that it wouldn't happen again. This happened more than a few times. Eventually, I just started picking her up myself all the time.
I couldn't rely on him for anything anymore. If he told me that he would run an errand, I didn't believe him. I would try to give him the benefit of the doubt but after being burned so many times, it was easier just to take care of everything myself, no matter how thin I stretched myself, rather than having to rely on him, the whole time thinking to myself, "Is he really going to come through this time...?..." only to be disappointed yet again & have to inconvenience myself even further later in the day/evening & run the errand myself.
I never knew what was going to happen from one day to the next. He kept saying that he would stop but he never did. My life was chaos.
In the end, he got so bold as to just start bringing the drugs home & doing them in the garage! It didn't matter that I would come to the door, be standing less than 6 feet away from him & yelling (not to mention that our 2 year old would come to the door to see what was going on) - he would look at me with his glazed over eyes, not raise his voice, but in a very "under the influence" tone, direct me to leave him alone & that he was "almost done"!
Eventually I left him.
We stayed in contact. After all, we had a daughter together & I still loved him. If he could just get the drugs under control we could still be together.
Life was different. The drugs weren't in my face anymore. He wasn't a constant in my life. I wasn't yelling at him. I didn't know what he was doing. I wasn't relying on him.
It worked for a while & then we started to get closer again. We didn't talk much about the drugs, other than me asking him if he'd stopped. And he never lied - he was always honest. So I always knew what was going on - if I asked.
After about a year, we got back together for good. He's been clean for over 2 years now, we've gotten married & had another child. The drugs are out of our lives...until last week...when he didn't show up for Christmas Eve.
We planned to finish our holiday shopping together earlier in the day & it didn't phase me too much when he didn't show up for that, but when he didn't show up later that evening for our planned Christmas celebration with my family, I started to worry. The drugs crossed my mind briefly but I quickly pushed that thought out - I didn't want to go that route again.
When he showed up (yes, later that evening), I simply asked him what happened. His reply..."You know." And I knew.
My instinct reaction is anger, then disappointment, then back to anger. "I will not go through this again!" "You had better figure out a way to control yourself!" etc, etc, etc...
He conveys to me how disappointed he is in himself & says that he'll go to meetings (he never sought treatment for the first go-around).
It's been just over a week (to some this is no time & to others I'm sure this is too long) but there has not been another mention of any type of treatment or any meetings & now he's been MIA since Friday at 6pm.
I don't want to do this again & it feel like I'm headed down a familiar road. I have no idea what to expect from him. I don't know if this will be the last time - I'm hopeful but not dumb...it will probably happen again. I don't want to do this again & I don't want my kids exposed to the type of environment that this will bring to our household - but I want their father there for them...ahhhhhhh...what to do, what to do...my mind is racing but I'm not getting anywhere!
I've been on this computer for hours searching support groups in my area. I plan to attend the next meeting that is available to me this week, but in the meantime, wanted to get advice from anyone who can offer, anyone who is more experienced with addiction than I...
Much of the information that I found on the web re: support seemed to be geared toward parents of addicts. It was very difficult for me to find information that would be helpful to me, the spouse of an addict with young children.
Any advice would be appreciated!
My husband's crack addiction started several years ago after his best friend passed away. Back then he was my boyfriend. We had been together for several years, were living together & had a child.
It started gradually & took some time before I realized that he was becoming an addict. The problems started with him not answering his phone when I called & then not coming home at night. Eventually, it got to the point where he was shirking off his responsibilities. I would get phone calls from our daycare, after hours, asking if anyone was coming to pick up our daughter. I would apologize profusely & scramble to go pick her up. They would scowl & I would apologize more, assuring them that it wouldn't happen again. This happened more than a few times. Eventually, I just started picking her up myself all the time.
I couldn't rely on him for anything anymore. If he told me that he would run an errand, I didn't believe him. I would try to give him the benefit of the doubt but after being burned so many times, it was easier just to take care of everything myself, no matter how thin I stretched myself, rather than having to rely on him, the whole time thinking to myself, "Is he really going to come through this time...?..." only to be disappointed yet again & have to inconvenience myself even further later in the day/evening & run the errand myself.
I never knew what was going to happen from one day to the next. He kept saying that he would stop but he never did. My life was chaos.
In the end, he got so bold as to just start bringing the drugs home & doing them in the garage! It didn't matter that I would come to the door, be standing less than 6 feet away from him & yelling (not to mention that our 2 year old would come to the door to see what was going on) - he would look at me with his glazed over eyes, not raise his voice, but in a very "under the influence" tone, direct me to leave him alone & that he was "almost done"!
Eventually I left him.
We stayed in contact. After all, we had a daughter together & I still loved him. If he could just get the drugs under control we could still be together.
Life was different. The drugs weren't in my face anymore. He wasn't a constant in my life. I wasn't yelling at him. I didn't know what he was doing. I wasn't relying on him.
It worked for a while & then we started to get closer again. We didn't talk much about the drugs, other than me asking him if he'd stopped. And he never lied - he was always honest. So I always knew what was going on - if I asked.
After about a year, we got back together for good. He's been clean for over 2 years now, we've gotten married & had another child. The drugs are out of our lives...until last week...when he didn't show up for Christmas Eve.
We planned to finish our holiday shopping together earlier in the day & it didn't phase me too much when he didn't show up for that, but when he didn't show up later that evening for our planned Christmas celebration with my family, I started to worry. The drugs crossed my mind briefly but I quickly pushed that thought out - I didn't want to go that route again.
When he showed up (yes, later that evening), I simply asked him what happened. His reply..."You know." And I knew.
My instinct reaction is anger, then disappointment, then back to anger. "I will not go through this again!" "You had better figure out a way to control yourself!" etc, etc, etc...
He conveys to me how disappointed he is in himself & says that he'll go to meetings (he never sought treatment for the first go-around).
It's been just over a week (to some this is no time & to others I'm sure this is too long) but there has not been another mention of any type of treatment or any meetings & now he's been MIA since Friday at 6pm.
I don't want to do this again & it feel like I'm headed down a familiar road. I have no idea what to expect from him. I don't know if this will be the last time - I'm hopeful but not dumb...it will probably happen again. I don't want to do this again & I don't want my kids exposed to the type of environment that this will bring to our household - but I want their father there for them...ahhhhhhh...what to do, what to do...my mind is racing but I'm not getting anywhere!
I've been on this computer for hours searching support groups in my area. I plan to attend the next meeting that is available to me this week, but in the meantime, wanted to get advice from anyone who can offer, anyone who is more experienced with addiction than I...
Much of the information that I found on the web re: support seemed to be geared toward parents of addicts. It was very difficult for me to find information that would be helpful to me, the spouse of an addict with young children.
Any advice would be appreciated!
Hi to all!! Back with son’s addiction
Hi everybody! I've thought about you all often and it's good to know that this awesome forum is still going and offering help/advice/support to those that need it.
When I first came on here in 2004, it was my xabf and a year of turmoil there. But, through Al Anon and all of you, that relationship ended a long time ago.
It's my son who will be 30yrs old this year...that has the drinking addiction. He got two DUI's back-to-back in 2007 and needed a lawyer. The laws have gotten alot stricter here in CO, as they should be.
I retained a lawyer for him and my as (alcoholic son) just did in house arrest for the month of Dec. for the one DUI and now he's in jail today for a bit for the 2nd one.
The whole time he was on house arrest, he was still drinking. I'd go visit him and see him on the holidays and he was still using. So, house arrest didn't do much for him because he was still "running' while on it.
In jail, he'll have to be sober and also his PO will be taking random breathilizers and putting a device on his vehicle to blow into before driving.
He has HUNDREDS of community service, fines and classes. He has no job, he's gotten fired from each one. He's homeless because everywhere he lived, he didn't pay rent.
On house arrest, he stayed with his Dad and during that time stold his Dad's credit cards and booked flights for his gf's and other things...ran up thousands of $ on his dad's cards. It just seems like his addiction is getting worse and worse, he lies constantly. He's very sensitive to talk to...if one thing is said that he doesn't like...he jumps on you verbally.
He's just filled with pain...his uncle/best friend, died of a cocaine accidental overdose on Christmas 2005 and my son knew his uncle did some drugs, but not to the extent that he was. My AS was the last person with his uncle the night before he died and so my AS has been feeling guilty ever since. He constantly runs and needs people's acceptance.
My fear is for when he gets out of jail....where will he go? What will he do? Will he finally see after years and years of drinking that it's JUST NOT WORTH IT?
I'm scared for him because of the fact that he continues to keep the cycle going.
I ask for your prayers for him...this is gonna take alot to get him to FINALLY hit that bottom and want back up.
Thank you and I hope all of your holidays were blessed!:praying
When I first came on here in 2004, it was my xabf and a year of turmoil there. But, through Al Anon and all of you, that relationship ended a long time ago.
It's my son who will be 30yrs old this year...that has the drinking addiction. He got two DUI's back-to-back in 2007 and needed a lawyer. The laws have gotten alot stricter here in CO, as they should be.
I retained a lawyer for him and my as (alcoholic son) just did in house arrest for the month of Dec. for the one DUI and now he's in jail today for a bit for the 2nd one.
The whole time he was on house arrest, he was still drinking. I'd go visit him and see him on the holidays and he was still using. So, house arrest didn't do much for him because he was still "running' while on it.
In jail, he'll have to be sober and also his PO will be taking random breathilizers and putting a device on his vehicle to blow into before driving.
He has HUNDREDS of community service, fines and classes. He has no job, he's gotten fired from each one. He's homeless because everywhere he lived, he didn't pay rent.
On house arrest, he stayed with his Dad and during that time stold his Dad's credit cards and booked flights for his gf's and other things...ran up thousands of $ on his dad's cards. It just seems like his addiction is getting worse and worse, he lies constantly. He's very sensitive to talk to...if one thing is said that he doesn't like...he jumps on you verbally.
He's just filled with pain...his uncle/best friend, died of a cocaine accidental overdose on Christmas 2005 and my son knew his uncle did some drugs, but not to the extent that he was. My AS was the last person with his uncle the night before he died and so my AS has been feeling guilty ever since. He constantly runs and needs people's acceptance.
My fear is for when he gets out of jail....where will he go? What will he do? Will he finally see after years and years of drinking that it's JUST NOT WORTH IT?
I'm scared for him because of the fact that he continues to keep the cycle going.
I ask for your prayers for him...this is gonna take alot to get him to FINALLY hit that bottom and want back up.
Thank you and I hope all of your holidays were blessed!:praying
A woman should have
Wisdom from Maya Angelo
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
enough money within her control to move out
and rent a place of her own,
even if she never wants to or needs to...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
something perfect to wear if the employer,
or date of her dreams
wants to see her in an hour...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a youth she's content to leave behind....
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..
a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to
retelling it in her old age....
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..
one friend who always makes her laugh..
and one who lets her cry...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a good piece of furniture not previously owned
by anyone else in her family...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems,
and a recipe for a meal,
that will make her guests feel honored...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .
a feeling of control over her destiny..
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW..
how to fall in love without losing herself..
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to quit a job,
break up with a lover,
and confront a friend without
ruining the friendship...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
when to try harder...
and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that she can't change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that her childhood may not have been perfect...
but it's over...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW....
how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW..
whom she can trust,
whom she can't,
and why she shouldn't take it personally...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
where to go...
be it to her best friend's kitchen table..
or a charming Inn in the woods....
when her soul needs soothing...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW..
What she can and can't accomplish in a day...
a month...and a year...
Be yourself...everyone else is already taken.
:nyj
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
enough money within her control to move out
and rent a place of her own,
even if she never wants to or needs to...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
something perfect to wear if the employer,
or date of her dreams
wants to see her in an hour...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a youth she's content to leave behind....
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..
a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to
retelling it in her old age....
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..
one friend who always makes her laugh..
and one who lets her cry...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a good piece of furniture not previously owned
by anyone else in her family...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems,
and a recipe for a meal,
that will make her guests feel honored...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .
a feeling of control over her destiny..
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW..
how to fall in love without losing herself..
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to quit a job,
break up with a lover,
and confront a friend without
ruining the friendship...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
when to try harder...
and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that she can't change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that her childhood may not have been perfect...
but it's over...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW....
how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW..
whom she can trust,
whom she can't,
and why she shouldn't take it personally...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
where to go...
be it to her best friend's kitchen table..
or a charming Inn in the woods....
when her soul needs soothing...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW..
What she can and can't accomplish in a day...
a month...and a year...
Be yourself...everyone else is already taken.
:nyj
venting - wanting to scream-hope i’m allowed
i truly don't know how much more of this i can take you guys.
i want to just scream and cry and yell. i've been so patient but something has to give soon.
i just don't know how much longer i can stand staying in this house with AH. i have no idea when it is going to sell or when this nightmare is going to end. i called today about an apartment, but i'm on the waiting list and she doesn't have anyone that has even given a 30 day notice.
even my mom says she doesn't know how i've standed it as long as i have.
i want peace. i know that every second i stay here and allow AH to verbally abuse me (not to mention the fear of physical abuse or something horrible happening to him or someone else) the more my self esteem and my will go down.
i've done so much to build myself up, i really don't want to lose myself again.
last night after a bunch of verbally attacking me as i sat on the couch and said absolutely nothing. then he just stands there and stares at me or laughs every time he goes by me (which really kinda creeps me out), he was so drunk he urinated himself, then he got up from that and got in a truck and drove. i don't know how he does it without getting a dui. he can kill somebody or kill himself. of course, this morning raging and yelling at me the whole time i was getting ready for work continuing to degrade me.
i don't have any control over anything with him anymore. i can't talk any logical sense into him. i can't reach him.
it really hurts and makes me sick to my stomach that it has come to this and that i can't even get through to him.
i've called a friend of his -more like a father figure- and told him the whole situation. he said he would talk to him, but he hasn't done anything and hasn't called me back. he's the only one that i know might be able to help him.
the only other thing i could think to do to help him is to tell his best friend and maybe try to get his parents support (not likely because they are the biggest enablers). i don't want to do this without talking to the other guy i have confided in, but he doesn't call me back. my counselor suggested that maybe i have him talk to the others and get everybody together.
anyway, i'm just at the end of my rope. the holidays are getting to me. i'm sad and lonely and depressed. anxiety is starting to get to me.
i'm not one to give up or give in. i've got a fighting spirit.
but, please tell me that this bad time will all be over soon and i will be happy again.
i want to just scream and cry and yell. i've been so patient but something has to give soon.
i just don't know how much longer i can stand staying in this house with AH. i have no idea when it is going to sell or when this nightmare is going to end. i called today about an apartment, but i'm on the waiting list and she doesn't have anyone that has even given a 30 day notice.
even my mom says she doesn't know how i've standed it as long as i have.
i want peace. i know that every second i stay here and allow AH to verbally abuse me (not to mention the fear of physical abuse or something horrible happening to him or someone else) the more my self esteem and my will go down.
i've done so much to build myself up, i really don't want to lose myself again.
last night after a bunch of verbally attacking me as i sat on the couch and said absolutely nothing. then he just stands there and stares at me or laughs every time he goes by me (which really kinda creeps me out), he was so drunk he urinated himself, then he got up from that and got in a truck and drove. i don't know how he does it without getting a dui. he can kill somebody or kill himself. of course, this morning raging and yelling at me the whole time i was getting ready for work continuing to degrade me.
i don't have any control over anything with him anymore. i can't talk any logical sense into him. i can't reach him.
it really hurts and makes me sick to my stomach that it has come to this and that i can't even get through to him.
i've called a friend of his -more like a father figure- and told him the whole situation. he said he would talk to him, but he hasn't done anything and hasn't called me back. he's the only one that i know might be able to help him.
the only other thing i could think to do to help him is to tell his best friend and maybe try to get his parents support (not likely because they are the biggest enablers). i don't want to do this without talking to the other guy i have confided in, but he doesn't call me back. my counselor suggested that maybe i have him talk to the others and get everybody together.
anyway, i'm just at the end of my rope. the holidays are getting to me. i'm sad and lonely and depressed. anxiety is starting to get to me.
i'm not one to give up or give in. i've got a fighting spirit.
but, please tell me that this bad time will all be over soon and i will be happy again.
Change of Plans
I just got off the phone with AH.
There's been a change of plans.
I will be attending my best friend's New Year's Eve party tomorrow night in Dallas, alone. AH was supposed to come with me - we'd reserved a hotel room and arranged to see some other friends while we're visiting.
On the phone AH casually mentioned to me that he would be having a "few beers" at the party. I am not comfortable being around him when he is drinking. At all. I thought that he knew this. I do not want him to come with me if he is going to drink.
I told him this.
He decided that he did not want to come to the party if he cannot drink.
He said it sounded too depressing.
I think staying home from a fun party thrown by people that you love in an exciting city because you can't stand to go one night without a drink is depressing.
I'm a little sad.
But I'll have a great time without him (and I won't have any reason to worry about how he's feeling, if he's having a good time, if he's uncomfortable around all the alcohol).
I'm going to go by myself. I'll wear my new outfit, dance, meet some new people, have a glass of champagne at midnight, and have a comfy hotel bed all to myself!
No use fighting. Better to accept.
Happy New Year's, everyone!:nyx
-TC
There's been a change of plans.
I will be attending my best friend's New Year's Eve party tomorrow night in Dallas, alone. AH was supposed to come with me - we'd reserved a hotel room and arranged to see some other friends while we're visiting.
On the phone AH casually mentioned to me that he would be having a "few beers" at the party. I am not comfortable being around him when he is drinking. At all. I thought that he knew this. I do not want him to come with me if he is going to drink.
I told him this.
He decided that he did not want to come to the party if he cannot drink.
He said it sounded too depressing.
I think staying home from a fun party thrown by people that you love in an exciting city because you can't stand to go one night without a drink is depressing.
I'm a little sad.
But I'll have a great time without him (and I won't have any reason to worry about how he's feeling, if he's having a good time, if he's uncomfortable around all the alcohol).
I'm going to go by myself. I'll wear my new outfit, dance, meet some new people, have a glass of champagne at midnight, and have a comfy hotel bed all to myself!
No use fighting. Better to accept.
Happy New Year's, everyone!:nyx
-TC
Barely hanging on.. barely.
Hi Guys,
I've been sort of a lurker (guest) on this forum and have read some pretty awesomely supportive posts and advice here. Seems like a great place. THis is my first post here, and I didn't want to put it in the newcomers forum because I think this is where i belong.
I once said definitely i would never touch a drug. By the time i was a freshman in high I was smoking weed every day almost. The next thing I really experimented with was hallucinogens: paper, shrooms mainly.
By the end of 11th grade, me and my "best friend" since we in 5th started doing coke. He was rich and his parents were druggies too, so we literally had no limit. I mean, take 10k out of the safe without questions, no limit. So senior year I was doing coke almost everyday. The weird thing about that is I never got addicted it to it. I'm sure to some degree, but it was all fun and games as far as I was concerned.
When I graduated, I graduated with honors, and got a scholarship to a nice university and everything was cool. I didn't do any hard drugs from mid-summer to the end of my first semester in college. nothing. Of course, I smoked a little weed in college or whatever.
When I came back for break I ran into the same old crowd, and got sucked in.. this time even worse. They had started smoking crack some months back. My mentality was, well I quit coke just like that why would this be any different. Well you know the rest of the story... it was. Long story short, I maxed out a credit card, flunked out of school, and had to move back home and get a job.
Then of course, it just got worse. My dealer literally lived 1 block away. Every free second I had I thought about it. And every free (and not free) dollar I had I spent on it. But, miraculously one day I just didn't want to do it anymore. It didn't make me feel like it used to. It made me paranoid, I was having chest pains after every hit. I basically thought I was going to die. I genuinely could not smoke it anymore, and I quit just like I did coke. Cold turkey. Of course I did it off an on, but at this point I haven't done that in almost a year.
Here's where the fun starts though. In the summer of '07 I discovered the "joys" of opiates. It was all OC at first. Eventually I did my first bump of Heroin and then that opened up a whole new "life" into drugs. I started just once a week maybe, and then 3 times a week, and it has recently escalated in the last 4 or so months into every day.
I prefer to snort it, maybe that's because I faint when I see a needle and couldn't imagine sticking any needle in myself. On average I do only about a 40 OC a day, but I mainly use it to cut with the H. So I guess the combination is my DOC.
Recently a lot of things I have been coming to a head. I haven't had the money to support my daily habit. I've pulled scams, I've stolen, I've pawned things that were mine. Anything when I don't have the money myself.
I can genuinely say I hate my life. 2 months ago I seriously considered suicide and had a hand full of pills in my mouth before I spit them out. Every day I wake up I feel hopeless, sick, worried about the future, depressed as hell.
I guess I'm what you would call a "functioning" addict. I have my own Internet business, which isn't doing so well anymore but not bad and definitely recoup-able. Just school loans and stuff have started to come down on me hard, hence having no money. I'm still be responsible and paying them because my gma co-signed them and I HAVE to, no questions asked.
In reality I have a pretty good future if I just apply myself. I've always over-achieved even in the midst of doing a lot of drugs. My parents and brother really have NO idea about my lifestyle. They don't ask questions, and I don't tell them.
I have one person who is my best friend who I use with. I've known him since 9th grade and he's been through it all, all the stages, right along with me. I know it sounds stupid but he's the only one I have to turn to, that truly understand what I'm feeling. We've always been there for each other in good and bad times.
Long story short. I'm sick of my life. I'm sick of going around in circles, kicking one drug only to find another. I need help. I need the support of people who have been there done that.
It's been 4 days since the last time I used. Today I can finally raise my head off the pillow for something other than to run to the bathroom. I'm completely cold turkey. No subs, no benzos, no sleep aid, not even immodium (how little it works). All I have is a half empty bottle of Aleve, and no money for anything else.
Now to make matters worse one of my dealers just called me and said he could "hook me up".. I know I am going to do it.. It just sucks 4 days of pure pain for nothing though. It just sucks. I don't know where to go from here.
I feel lost lost, alone, and every other emotion accept anything that has to do with happiness. I'm at the end of my rope. I know I can't keep living like this, but I don't know how to stop. AA or NA or detox any rehab is not really an option. I have too many responsibilities with my work to be gone for a week, or 30 days or whatever.
I honestly dont even know why i wrote all this. I feel like nothings ever going to change. I've got to day 4 about 16 times now. I'm sick of this life. Its a living hell that I have no control over.
Anyway thanks for listening.. its a hella long post so i dont blame u if you didn't read it.
hopefully see you guys around,
Bryan
I've been sort of a lurker (guest) on this forum and have read some pretty awesomely supportive posts and advice here. Seems like a great place. THis is my first post here, and I didn't want to put it in the newcomers forum because I think this is where i belong.
I once said definitely i would never touch a drug. By the time i was a freshman in high I was smoking weed every day almost. The next thing I really experimented with was hallucinogens: paper, shrooms mainly.
By the end of 11th grade, me and my "best friend" since we in 5th started doing coke. He was rich and his parents were druggies too, so we literally had no limit. I mean, take 10k out of the safe without questions, no limit. So senior year I was doing coke almost everyday. The weird thing about that is I never got addicted it to it. I'm sure to some degree, but it was all fun and games as far as I was concerned.
When I graduated, I graduated with honors, and got a scholarship to a nice university and everything was cool. I didn't do any hard drugs from mid-summer to the end of my first semester in college. nothing. Of course, I smoked a little weed in college or whatever.
When I came back for break I ran into the same old crowd, and got sucked in.. this time even worse. They had started smoking crack some months back. My mentality was, well I quit coke just like that why would this be any different. Well you know the rest of the story... it was. Long story short, I maxed out a credit card, flunked out of school, and had to move back home and get a job.
Then of course, it just got worse. My dealer literally lived 1 block away. Every free second I had I thought about it. And every free (and not free) dollar I had I spent on it. But, miraculously one day I just didn't want to do it anymore. It didn't make me feel like it used to. It made me paranoid, I was having chest pains after every hit. I basically thought I was going to die. I genuinely could not smoke it anymore, and I quit just like I did coke. Cold turkey. Of course I did it off an on, but at this point I haven't done that in almost a year.
Here's where the fun starts though. In the summer of '07 I discovered the "joys" of opiates. It was all OC at first. Eventually I did my first bump of Heroin and then that opened up a whole new "life" into drugs. I started just once a week maybe, and then 3 times a week, and it has recently escalated in the last 4 or so months into every day.
I prefer to snort it, maybe that's because I faint when I see a needle and couldn't imagine sticking any needle in myself. On average I do only about a 40 OC a day, but I mainly use it to cut with the H. So I guess the combination is my DOC.
Recently a lot of things I have been coming to a head. I haven't had the money to support my daily habit. I've pulled scams, I've stolen, I've pawned things that were mine. Anything when I don't have the money myself.
I can genuinely say I hate my life. 2 months ago I seriously considered suicide and had a hand full of pills in my mouth before I spit them out. Every day I wake up I feel hopeless, sick, worried about the future, depressed as hell.
I guess I'm what you would call a "functioning" addict. I have my own Internet business, which isn't doing so well anymore but not bad and definitely recoup-able. Just school loans and stuff have started to come down on me hard, hence having no money. I'm still be responsible and paying them because my gma co-signed them and I HAVE to, no questions asked.
In reality I have a pretty good future if I just apply myself. I've always over-achieved even in the midst of doing a lot of drugs. My parents and brother really have NO idea about my lifestyle. They don't ask questions, and I don't tell them.
I have one person who is my best friend who I use with. I've known him since 9th grade and he's been through it all, all the stages, right along with me. I know it sounds stupid but he's the only one I have to turn to, that truly understand what I'm feeling. We've always been there for each other in good and bad times.
Long story short. I'm sick of my life. I'm sick of going around in circles, kicking one drug only to find another. I need help. I need the support of people who have been there done that.
It's been 4 days since the last time I used. Today I can finally raise my head off the pillow for something other than to run to the bathroom. I'm completely cold turkey. No subs, no benzos, no sleep aid, not even immodium (how little it works). All I have is a half empty bottle of Aleve, and no money for anything else.
Now to make matters worse one of my dealers just called me and said he could "hook me up".. I know I am going to do it.. It just sucks 4 days of pure pain for nothing though. It just sucks. I don't know where to go from here.
I feel lost lost, alone, and every other emotion accept anything that has to do with happiness. I'm at the end of my rope. I know I can't keep living like this, but I don't know how to stop. AA or NA or detox any rehab is not really an option. I have too many responsibilities with my work to be gone for a week, or 30 days or whatever.
I honestly dont even know why i wrote all this. I feel like nothings ever going to change. I've got to day 4 about 16 times now. I'm sick of this life. Its a living hell that I have no control over.
Anyway thanks for listening.. its a hella long post so i dont blame u if you didn't read it.
hopefully see you guys around,
Bryan
triggers and update
Well, I've been kinda quite on here lately, the holidays from halloween through new years are a trigger for me, for some reason that is when things seem to happen, and I just clam up.
I'm leaving for Florida in the next day or two, moving Vicky back down there. I can't even express how much I'm going to miss her and Jordan. But she has to do whatever it takes to be happy and provide for that little baby.
My sister and I had a major falling out, we probably will never speak to or see each other again. I finely enforced some bounderies, no more being walked all over, as a result, I lost her, she was my best friend.
After Jerrys breakdown, he came back, not even remembering what he did, he got back on his meds and is his old self, for him, it is like nothing happened, for me....I feel different about him, but I decided not to make any rash decisions with everything else going on.
Mike tried contacting me a couple more times and then just gave up, thank god.
So when I get back from Florida, there will be no one except Jerry. I'm determined to finish the motel, but once that is done, I don't know if I'll try to run it or sell it. Depending on how things work out with Jerry, I don't know where I'll go or what I'll do. I've decided not to plan on anything, just let life lead me where I'm supposed to go.
I'm really scared to let Vicky and Jordan go back, I will not be close enough to watch out for them or even help them, so I'm holding onto my faith. She has come this far from the hell she experienced, it's time I allow her to spread her wings and fly.
Love you guys,
B
I'm leaving for Florida in the next day or two, moving Vicky back down there. I can't even express how much I'm going to miss her and Jordan. But she has to do whatever it takes to be happy and provide for that little baby.
My sister and I had a major falling out, we probably will never speak to or see each other again. I finely enforced some bounderies, no more being walked all over, as a result, I lost her, she was my best friend.
After Jerrys breakdown, he came back, not even remembering what he did, he got back on his meds and is his old self, for him, it is like nothing happened, for me....I feel different about him, but I decided not to make any rash decisions with everything else going on.
Mike tried contacting me a couple more times and then just gave up, thank god.
So when I get back from Florida, there will be no one except Jerry. I'm determined to finish the motel, but once that is done, I don't know if I'll try to run it or sell it. Depending on how things work out with Jerry, I don't know where I'll go or what I'll do. I've decided not to plan on anything, just let life lead me where I'm supposed to go.
I'm really scared to let Vicky and Jordan go back, I will not be close enough to watch out for them or even help them, so I'm holding onto my faith. She has come this far from the hell she experienced, it's time I allow her to spread her wings and fly.
Love you guys,
B
Eulogies
Hi friends
I wanted to write this eulogy to my ex. He is an alcoholic. We broke up about 3 months ago and now he is going out with another girl - another alcoholic. Tonight I just feel very sad and at a loss of words so I wanted to share this eulogy and if you need it you can write one for any person you miss.
Thank you and hugs to you all.
Friends and family,
It is with deep grief and sadness that I talk here... as you know, I spent most of year 2008 with ___. He was the love of my life and I miss him very much. I remember all our little games. I remember his smile and his hugs... our life together in love. All those nights in my flat, watching TV, kissing, cooking... we were always talking or sending messages... he was everything to me, my joy, my strength, my faith. I have to admit many times I hope I did not remember him.. this has been too painful.
I can go on and on for days and weeks and months as I have lately, replaying my fond memories with him. I will just say that I miss him, my boyfriend, my best friend. Life is just not the same one without him in my life. It will never be.
I wanted to write this eulogy to my ex. He is an alcoholic. We broke up about 3 months ago and now he is going out with another girl - another alcoholic. Tonight I just feel very sad and at a loss of words so I wanted to share this eulogy and if you need it you can write one for any person you miss.
Thank you and hugs to you all.
Friends and family,
It is with deep grief and sadness that I talk here... as you know, I spent most of year 2008 with ___. He was the love of my life and I miss him very much. I remember all our little games. I remember his smile and his hugs... our life together in love. All those nights in my flat, watching TV, kissing, cooking... we were always talking or sending messages... he was everything to me, my joy, my strength, my faith. I have to admit many times I hope I did not remember him.. this has been too painful.
I can go on and on for days and weeks and months as I have lately, replaying my fond memories with him. I will just say that I miss him, my boyfriend, my best friend. Life is just not the same one without him in my life. It will never be.
Handling aftermath, anger
hi everyone,
where would we all be without this forum? i just want to say thanks to you and the internet!
so my best friend has been an alcoholic for a few years, we've gone to AA together and confidentially talked about her addiction for years. then i got cancer, saw less and less of her as she got more into her addiction and after a major drunken scene on the day of her wedding (before the church), i panicked. i called her a few days later as i was beyond worried about how bad things had become. i told her how worried i was, how i thought she was sick (bad choice of words i know now) and she hung up and then sent me vicious, name calling texts about how i was putting a mean-spirited, negative spin on her wedding day. everyone (including her family who sit quietly by) knows she was drunk on the day but they are too scared of her -- she has lots of money now with very rich man.
anyway, i decided not to respond to her texts and last six months went by with no communication. then i decided that i couldn't just let 15 years of friendship go down the toilet and sent her a reaching-out type email. she responded saying that i had ruined her honeymoon with my phone call and that my actions were 'unforgivable.' i haven't, and definitely won't, respond.
i'm now a combination of sad, relieved and angry. angrier than i feel comfortable with. she's going around telling friends lies about me, about why we aren't talking and i just want to shout from the rooftops the truth. i've lied and covered for her for years and she's so into some bogus image that, i hate to admit it, but i want to pop a big hole in. i know deep down i won't shout from the rooftops but i find it infuriating that i am supposed to sit on the sidelines silent, and don't know how long i'll be able to do this.
sorry for "talking" so much and would appreciate any and all thoughts.
best wishes to all of you.
where would we all be without this forum? i just want to say thanks to you and the internet!
so my best friend has been an alcoholic for a few years, we've gone to AA together and confidentially talked about her addiction for years. then i got cancer, saw less and less of her as she got more into her addiction and after a major drunken scene on the day of her wedding (before the church), i panicked. i called her a few days later as i was beyond worried about how bad things had become. i told her how worried i was, how i thought she was sick (bad choice of words i know now) and she hung up and then sent me vicious, name calling texts about how i was putting a mean-spirited, negative spin on her wedding day. everyone (including her family who sit quietly by) knows she was drunk on the day but they are too scared of her -- she has lots of money now with very rich man.
anyway, i decided not to respond to her texts and last six months went by with no communication. then i decided that i couldn't just let 15 years of friendship go down the toilet and sent her a reaching-out type email. she responded saying that i had ruined her honeymoon with my phone call and that my actions were 'unforgivable.' i haven't, and definitely won't, respond.
i'm now a combination of sad, relieved and angry. angrier than i feel comfortable with. she's going around telling friends lies about me, about why we aren't talking and i just want to shout from the rooftops the truth. i've lied and covered for her for years and she's so into some bogus image that, i hate to admit it, but i want to pop a big hole in. i know deep down i won't shout from the rooftops but i find it infuriating that i am supposed to sit on the sidelines silent, and don't know how long i'll be able to do this.
sorry for "talking" so much and would appreciate any and all thoughts.
best wishes to all of you.
