Drug Rehab Options Blog

So Grateful...
Today has been one of the most amazing days of my recovery thus far. I had to go to court today about my children and it went better than I could have ever imagined!! I have only been clean for 2 months, and I got my children taken away during my active addiction in May 2008. The court granted me an improvement period that was only to last for 6 months (ended 12/29/08), but I screwed around and couldn't pass drug tests , just wasn't doing the things that I needed to do until November. I finally got myself together, went to detox, then to a long term facility, which everybody thought was in my best interest because I was addicted to heroin. I stayed in the program for about 3 weeks, but I couldn't take it there anymore, so I left. Well, the 'powers that be' weren't too pleased with that, so they petitioned the judge and he signed an order stating that I had to be in long term facility the week before Christmas. Needless to say I couldn't find an inpatient program with a bed available between then and now, so I was in contempt of court. I have been staying clean, passing drug screens, going to meetings, and doing outpatient therapy during this time though. I was a bundle of nerves when I went into court today- my lawyer informed me that they were moving to set the case for disposition and terminate my parental rights. Not what I wanted to hear. So we went in, my lawyer presented everything that had been going on in my life and that I was doing well and working a program, everybody else put their two-cents in about how bad I was, and then the judge spoke...
The first thing he said was that he was very suprised to see me infront of him sober and with clean drug screens under my belt. Then he spoke to those that pointed out my failures- he said that I was apparently doing something right and just because I did not follow the path that the MDT wanted me to and of the order he had signed I had obviously chosen a good path that worked for me and was sticking to it. He went on to say that he was not going to make me go into an inpatient program or terminate my rights, but he was going to schedule another hearing in 30 days to see if I was actually going to be able to remain clean and sober. :c029:
This was definitely a God-thing and that's all I can attribute it to. I know that I must continue doing the things I have been in order to maintain my cleanliness, and I believe that with my HP's (whom I chose to call God) help I can definitely be successful. I am so grateful for the divine favor that was bestowed upon me today and I don't think that I have the capacity to fully express this. I believe that the only thing that I can do is keep on truckin' and show through my actions that I have truely become new.
Thanks for letting me share!

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*That's just my opinion, but I could be wrong.*

If A Dog Was Your Sponsor :-) You Would Learn Stuff Like...

-When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
-Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
-Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be
pure ecstasy.
-When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
-Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
-Take naps and stretch before rising.
-Run, romp and play daily.
-Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
-Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
-On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
-On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
-When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
-No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing
and pout ...run right back and make friends.
-Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
-Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you've had enough.
-Be loyal.
-Never pretend to be something you're not.
-If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
-When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle
them gently.

For me, early recovery has been a wild ride, a swing from one extreme to another. I cared too much, then too little, loved too much, then not at all. I involved myself in every aspect of my alcoholic's business, then, abruptly refused any participation in his life.

I think the pendulum has been slowly coming to rest somewhere in the center.
I don't want to be rash, though my impulses can still be.

I'm feeling particularly thoughtful lately.
When I moved out (Labor Day) - I planned to take advantage of the separation to assess my marriage and determine if divorce was in my best interest.
This isn't a pressing, immediate issue - everyone is getting along well, my child is safe and well-cared for, AH and I are communicating well, and I'm even having some fun! I love my little house, I cherish my privacy, and I am happy with my situation today.
But I don't want to stay here forever.
I miss regular physical intimacy. I miss having a partner who can, reliably, provide some emotional support for me.

AH is still drinking (though I never see it). He knows that I will not live with him while he drinks, and though he says that he wants me to come home, he continues to engage in the behaviors that are keeping me at bay.

I am not angry about this. I didn't move out to get him to quit. I understand the disparity between an alcoholic's words and actions, and I am keeping a careful, open eye on actions.
I have absolutely no desire to live with him if he continues to drink.
I will not do it.

Despite his words to the contrary, he is in no hurry to make any changes.

I guess I'm wondering if I am attempting to control him by giving him a "head's up!" timeframe kind of warning.

Like, "I love you, but I can't put my life on hold forever waiting to see if you'll make decisions that are compatible with a life with me. I know you want to quit drinking, and I know you can do it. But, if you can't do it soon, I need to move on. I will file for divorce in May."

I am prepared for this declaration to have little/no effect on his alcohol consumption, but I feel the need to let him know. So that, in the off chance that he's really just been cooling his heels, thinking that everything's hunky-dory, he'll know that I'm serious about divorce - serious about living my life the way I see fit, not just waiting around for him to figure things out.

When I had this realization, my instinct was to just blurt it out right then. Have some big emotional scene.

But I held back. I'd like some input on this situation before I make any announcements.

Any thoughts?

Thanks everyone!
-TC

Hard day today - my soul feels heavy.

I feel like I am physically weighed down by the enormity of the task in front of me.

I have years of thought patterns that need to evolve, years of behaviors that aren't in my best interest. I'm trying to address them, but it can be so frustrating when I find myself stuck in the middle of those old, unhelpful patterns! They just ooze out of me when I'm not paying attention.

I know it is progress, not perfection.
But, darn it.
Those imperfections sure rub me the wrong way.

I once heard that rehab ruins an alcoholic's joy in drinking. They leave treatment knowing that, as an alcoholic, drinking is an unhealthy and destructive behavior. That knowledge mars the joy of alcohol.

I think that recovery is truly ruining codependency for me. I recognize my own unhealthy behaviors and that knowledge mars the joy of the drama. All I've got right now is exhaustion and disappointment and resolve to do better next time.

Thanks for listening.
-TC

After promising not to go out last night and then going out and promising that she would be home by 1 and then showing up at 7 this morning, I told her it was time to move out. This is not about drinking or drugging because I don't believe that is happening. This is about pushing our boundaries to the point that as Hangin would say "It is in her best interest to move out." She is 22 and does not want to live up to her promises because she is not ready to take that look at herself and see what she needs to change. I am becoming the person again that I said I would never be again and I don't want to go there. So now it is time for her to p*ss or get off the pot so to speak. I am a little disappointed that it has come to this but I am looking at it as the thing that is best for both of us. If she continues to live here, we will not have any kind of a relationship. I refuse to police her because I know all the tricks. So it is what it is and I am okay with it. Hugs, Marle

My crackhead, alcoholic husband have been married for 17 yrs. and I've finally come to my bottom. I turned off his cell phone yesterday after he was MIA for 4 days on a binge. I just can't do this anymore with him!!!
I talked to him yesterday and told him I was going to turn it off. He says well I won't send you this money I have for you, I'll buy a phone with it. I told him to do whatever the hell he wants to do, you know we have a child together and if you want to send money for him you will. I can't stay attached anymore for the little bit of money I get from him. We still have bills to pay off and he's STILL crackin it up.
Anyway he called this morning on his new cell and asked me why I turned his cell off and he thought that was "prett dirty". I told him what he's been doing for the last 17 yrs. is "pretty dirty too". I told him he could call his son at the house and that I had no reason to be talking to him. Our son is 13 so he dosen't have to go through me to talk to him. Thank god!!! I told him I was done and to leave me alone.
I'm not normally a mean person but being with a crackhead/alcoholic for this long has really done a job on me. And don't even talk to me about love, don't believe in that anymore much less want anything to do with it. Loving him hurts and love is not supposed to hurt. He said he wanted me to have his new cell # in case of an emergency. Hope I don't have an emergency while he's out smoking crack, my emergency wouldn't even matter. He continues to make bad choices in life and I have to let go so I won't be dragged anymore. I swear I feel like I need skin grafts. HAHAHA. It's really hard because I'm so codependent and still feel the need a little to know what's going on with him. But that's not in my best interest so I'm going to keep on keepin on.
I'm really just looking for some strength and encouragement to keep me on the right path in my mind. I swear the mind is a tricky thing!!!!!!!! Looking forward to a nice realaxing week-end.:Dance7:

Hope for Today – September 9

Al-Anon suggest I “Keep It Simple.” I used to think keeping it simple meant doing whatever I needed to do to keep people from being angry with me. Not so! Keeping it simple means I don’t have to do ten things at once so that everyone is happy. The slogan indicates I don’t even have to think of ten things at once. Keeping it simple also implies that I can make decisions with my own best interest in mind. I don’t need to complicate my life with guesswork about others’ actions or feelings. Keeping it simple helps me say great phrases like, “I need some time to think about that” and “I’ll need to get back to you with my decision.” “I’m not sure,” or “I don’t know the answer to that” are also responses that work well.

Keeping it simple denotes I don’t have to respond to the face of anger. I don’t have to explain my motives to an irrational person. Keeping it simple suggest I don’t have to take on someone else’s guilt and frustration. It signifies that my integrity is protected and remains intact. Keeping it simple gives me time to enjoy the lovely, carefree things in life – like breathing deeply, smiling broadly, and laughing out loud!

When I practice “Keep It Simple,” my decisions and responsibilities become clear so I can deal with them quickly and get on with enjoying my life.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
What happens when I practice “Keep It Simple”?

“I look at the simple things around me – a smile, a beautiful sunrise, a warm feeling about a friend-and try to Keep it Simple in my life today.” Alateen – a day at a time p.46

Well.....after 8 months of living in a household where I have set firm boundaries....and after almost 19 years of living in a household where any kind of behavior was accepted......my AH has decided that he wants a divorce!!!

Is it a coincidence that he feels our marriage is not savable now that I've finally stood up for myself and am no longer enabling him?

All I can say is Wow....this disease is so powerful, and it has torn my family apart...

My job now is to protect myself and my children, as he wants 50/50 custody!!! I've told him that I will have to bring up his drinking and use of drugs, and he says that it would not be in the best interest of the children if I do this, and do I want to fight or go about it reasonably!!!!!????????

I tell him that I have a major concern about his ability to parent while he continues to drink....he says....here we go again, it always goes back to the drinking!!!!!

Well.....I wonder why it always goes back to the drinking????? Maybe because that is the root cause of the demise of our marriage????

I can't wait to see my counselor next week...I need some sanity!!!!

I am standing my ground no matter what anybody says (i.e., comments from neighbors telling me that I need to compromise and let my poor husband drink in his own home)!!!! Huh???? I wonder what they'd think if I told them how many times my AH has urinated in places other than the bathroom in our home????

Yikes.........please pray for me and my children.


Shivaya

I've been thinking about expectations today.

I married my AH right after I turned 20 - he was 28.

I grew up in a very conservative religious environment that placed a great deal of emphasis on marriage and family. As far back as I can remember, my life's greatest goal was to find the "partner" that God had in mind for me.

Don't get me wrong - I had other goals, too, but they seemed pale in comparison to the importance of finding love and family.

My spiritual beliefs have evolved over time, but putting to rest the fantasy of marital bliss and the fulfillment that I always believed would go along with that bliss has been a struggle.

Here's the thing: I had very specific expectations about what "married life" looked like - how family time was to be spent, where vacations should be taken, the activities that should be engaged in together. Trying to have that life with a husband who is struggling not to fall into a vodka bottle is a losing proposition.

The kind of crazy thing is, after all this drama and weirdness, after all my ranting and raving about how AH can't give me what I want, I've had a realization:
I don't actually want to live the kind of life that I've been trying so hard to force on my AH and myself.

It's almost like I'd been programmed to run on auto-pilot for years, and I just woke up and realized that the program wasn't in my best interest.

I'm moving out of our family home this week - my extended family and friends think it's a tragedy.
But....
Can I just tell you how excited I am about having my own place?
Sleeping in MY bed.
Making coffee in MY little kitchen.
Putting up the curtains that I like.

I love my alcoholic, but I've let my life revolve around his for too long.
Now, I want my own life. In a big way.

I don't know what the future will bring, but I can't imagine returning to the marriage that I had - even if the man that I love finds recovery.
I want something else - it might not be marriage at all!

This is an exciting time.
It's nice to feel like I have options - my life doesn't have to look one specific way for me to be happy.

I'm happy today.

-TC

Wow, what a weird day. My brain is just totally confused & frazzled. I need to vent, clear my head so as to make logical sense out of all of this. Please understand that this is probably pure venting, not thinking too much into things.....just overwhelmed right now with emotions. I really can do without harsh critism.......so PLEASE just help me to figure this all out to **MY** best interest.

Let me start with yesterday. I had a REALLY WEIRD STRONG gut feeling that I should go to the magistrate's office to get a copy of my AXB 2004 police report, which if you remember, includes a warrant currently on him for not showing up for an arraingment hearing. This feeling came way out of the blue........I cannot even imagine WHERE this feeling came from! It just CAME. We had started a file folder last year, when he was wanting to straighten out his life, deal with this warrant, etc. I'm pretty good with legal stuff, and started digging up info & plans. He got scared half way into the process, and backed away. We needed to get a copy of this 2004 police report to find out what his BAC was (in PA, BAC matters alot as to sentencing/this is his 2nd offense in 10 years). He forbid me to going to the magistrate, he was afraid I was opening a can of worms. Anyway, we've been split up for 5 weeks, and yesterday I felt this URGENT gut feeling that I should get this police report NOW. I kept trying to fight this urge, thinking it was "codie"......I even asked God for a "sign" because Alon-On says I should not do such things....mind my OWN business, etc. So this morning, I called his mom and she said "This is the PERFECT TIME......you HONESTLY do not know where he is at if they ask, and if you feel in your gut that you should persue this, then DO IT". So, I figured this was "my sign". Some may think this is rediculous, but I just felt like it was what I needed to do, for whatever reason. Okay...got the police report.......after a very RUDE time at the magistrates.......ugh.....they didn't want to give it to me, then when I told them it was public record & the sherriffs dept advised me to go there to get it.....they finally gave me a copy.
Then, upon reading it, I was REALLY feeling horrible.......his blood alcohol level was .77........the LETHAL level is .50 for a NORMAL human...any normal human would be DEAD at .77.....yet my AXB was DRIVING with a BAC of .77. UGH!!!!! After reading the book "Under The Influence" I understand how an alcoholics body becomes tolerant to higher than lethal doses of alcohol.......but this info on the report just stunned me. It hit me SO hard as to how serious his desease is. If he is able to consume so much more than LETHAL level of alcohol, and still function to drive a car....then he is in SEVERLY bad shape........SICK beyond believe. It breaks my HEART!!!!!! And I was just bummed, thinking negetive....thinking "there is NO hope for this".

Was going through various emotions all evening. Discussed it with his mom, and we were like thinking worst case scenerios like the alcohol was going to eventually kill him, etc. I was just SICK......please understand, I LOVE this guy, and feel SO helpless!!!!!!!!

I kNOW........I didn't casue it, can't CURE it, etc.......but still have these emotions........ugh!!

Then tonight......totally out of the blue, after 5 weeks, he phones me. If you all remember, I phoned him last week, leaving a message on his machine. He didn't call back, so I just chalked it off as he preferred alcohol over me. But it was so odd that he phoned TONIGHT after all this crazy stuff, new legal findings, and severe emotions. I didn't mention the report, I just did not feel it was the right time, it will only scare him away more IF he is "ready" to deal with his warrant. He was vague on the phone, not admitting any faults or anyting, just saying he wasn't happy with his new apt, etc........and saying something about if he could find a ride, he would pick up the stuff he left here this weekend (I'm sure just an "excuse" to test the waters). I'm not sure, but from what I get, life isn't so great for him right now. But he is SO proud, and won't admit it.........he kinda wants me to BEG. URGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love the man with my whole heart, feel so sorry for his desease, and yes i am MISSING him BIG TIME!!!!! But I want him to GET HELP. For HIS sake (he already has health issues because of drinking, and virtually NOTHING to show for his life). I can't just turn him away. I just can't do it.
And I'm so unsure, given this new info on the police report, if I dare tell him. If I tell him right now that I did this & what was found (the high BAC level), he'll get super scared and RUN for sure, not wanting to face the warrant/dui!!!! How the heck do I HELP without ENABLING????????

My mind is just spinning.......so sorry if this post doens;'t sound right. I'm having visions of him DYING due to his extreme alcohol addiction & health problems (It's THAT SERIOUS).......yet also knowing that in order for him to ever hit bottom, I need to "let go".........URGH!!!!!!!!!!

Need prayers praYERS prayers, pLEASE!!!!!!!!!