Drug Rehab Options Blog

Boy do I feel like an idiot already- I don't know much about "posting" etc. so I tried posting something- and accidently posted it on the "new to recovery" site- I hope I didn't make people who are trying to quit angry. Because when I was writing- I put in there what I wanted to ask people in this section. I will try and be brief. I have lived with my addict boyfriend for three years. At first I thought he just "partied" too much. Then I found out cocaine was involved. Now- the past year- I know that he is useing oxycodone. I have done everything I can to support/help him. I am in therapy myself- learning how to cope. He will not go to meetings- says he will then dosen't.
He cant come off these pills without HUGE withdrawls. He (upon my suggestion) asked me to call our doctor to see if he could help. will he follow up with the doctor and make the appointment?? I doubt it. Its like beating my head against a brick wall. I can't detatch. I have educated myself about the process- but I just can't. I keep waiting for the man I used to love to show up- it isn't happening- and I don't think it ever will. He said to me the other night- giving up coke and alcohol is "easy" he only needs help with quitting the pills - that he knows the PILLS are a problem?? Jezzzzz- are you kidding?? how can he believe that the pills are an issue- but the other stuff? eah no biggie>> its just complete craziness. I love this man, but I can't stay around being "detached" doing my own thing.... I would just rather live alone with my kids. to pretend the pink elephant in the room isn't there - just dosen't work for me. He dosen't steal from me, he is not abusive to me, he is just plain ol selfish, inconsiderate, and the CONSTANT partying ALWAYS comes before me and my children. I do not wish to PRETEND its not happening anymore. Do I sound selfish? I hope not, I am just exhausted emotionally- trying to help. And now trying to DETATCH. I have broken up with him before (my home) and when he leaves its a matter of days before we "talk" _ I "believe" and then we both pretend untill he comes home high as a kite and I loose it. ..... same merry-go-round. I know I'm at fault for accepting his behavior- and I'm sad for that. I didn't see how deep he was in- untill my heart was way to invested. I just need some help/support/ any words of wisdom, on how I can walk away and not go back on the merrygo round. Also, I need to know If others understand that I can't see myself staying and trying to "be there for him, yet remain detatched" I just cant do it- no matter how much I love- I feel it would be better to just move on, grieve the loss and get better for myself. It hurts terribly. and I will miss him, but I ALREADY miss the man I love, I just stay holding on to the slight glimpses i still see of him.
Sorry to be long-winded....
Thankyou for listening.
Cess

Xabf called me on Friday night. Even though I SWORE up and down if he called again I wouldn't answer, I was having a bad 'al day' (missing him unbelievably) that I HAD to call him back. We talked for awhile and he had to go...said he would call back. I didn't think he would but he did call a couple minutes later. He asked when can he see me. I told him I'm not hiding, he knows where I am at any given time he can 'see' me whenever he wants. Our sons play football together and had games this weekend. He was working but was coming to the Sunday game afterwards. He said we should go out after the game. I said I didn't know....anyway, we DID end up going for pizza after the game. No biggie...it was nice talking and catching up. Every time he would start 'bullsh*tting" I would say I didn't want to hear it and he would stop. He worked 4 a.m. to 4 p.m. and was beat and said he was going home to sleep and he would call me later. I said he wouldn't call...he was going to crash and burn once he hit the pillow...anyway, I wasn't expecting a call last night (and didn't get one) I thought MAYBE I would get one this a.m. with the excuses blah, blah, blah...but it never came. I knew he was hanging at the pool today with his kids (mine too actually) and when I dropped off my son his car was there...hhhmmm...now I'm all kinds of pissed off...more at myself then anything. I try not to get sucked in. I KNOW how he is and what hes going to do. I also know he is still very much with his gf and even though I hear about regrets and stuff he is still proceeding full speed ahead...in the WRONG direction. He said that EVERYBODY (his therepist/sponsor and family) told him he shoulda stayed put (with me) but of course he doesn't listen. I am actually friends with his xw and she has told me that his family doesn't like his new gf...his mom gets a 'weird vibe from her that gets stronger everytime she sees her' and was actually hiding out in the kitchen during his b-day party so she wouldn't have to talk to her. Add to it the fact that it's Labor Day and I'm sitting here alone doing wash and cleaning while he's at the pool with the kids having a high old time (with or w/o the gf, idk?) and I can't help but think of last year on Labor Day...he disappeared on a 3 day bender only to reurface on Tuesday morning...what a difference a year makes. I'm glad hes sober and things seem to be going well for him right now...I'm just sorry (after all I've been through in the last year) that I'm not around to enjoy it.