Drug Rehab Options Blog

Hi. I'm new here and I'm already glad I found this forum. The topics I've seen and the answers have been helpful so far.

My situation is this ...
I have a friend who I am very close to but who lives in another state. Today is day one of his recovery after having spent the weekend on a coke binge. Previous to that, he had been clean for 10 days then had a slip (2 lines) then was clean for 3 more days before the binge.

He knew he was starting rehab today ... outpatient but intensive ... so he figured, as most anyone who is about to quit something would, to go out with a bang.

The problem I have is that I want to protect him, be there for him, make sure he knows he's cared for and all the other things that go along with caring about a loved one and what happens to them. I don't want to be an enabler. How can I care and show interest in his recovery without being overbearing and making him feel like he's not free?

I try not to lecture or preach to him about the dangers of what he's doing since he obviously knows what they are. I just don't want to do the wrong thing or say the wrong thing. How can I help without over helping?

Mind you, we talk constantly even though we're states apart so I don't have to deal with the day to day, face to face aspects of his recovery but we are very close and I want to be there for him the best I can.

Thanks for any insight you can give me as someone who wished they could 'fix' my friend but knowing he needs to do it on his own.

~Flame

P.S. When he slipped, I acted like it wasn't a big deal, only a bump in the road so he'd know it didn't mean he failed. I'm trying, here, just need some support to BE good support for him.

I have been in a 5 year relationship with a man whom I believe to be an alcoholic, I will give you a little insight and hope that you can confirm this. When we met I had just left a 10 year relationship with my University Boyfriend and had lost my Mother after spending some years caring for her with Cancer. I fell instantly in love with him and was happy to indulge in his lifestyle of social drinking at that time. His family are quite dysfunctional, his Mother has always been Bi-Polar, His father a very heavy drinker and his sister has suffered with depression since a breakdown some years past and they all lived together. Over the first few years there were a number of drunken arguments between us but when he was sober he was so kind, conscientious and loving. I then bought a house and became pregnant. Since living in 'our' house and particularly through pregnancy and the subsequent birth of our daughter he went out more and more without me and commonly went on 2 and 3 days drinking binges. I recognise from what I have read that I was enabling this by either - locking the door don't come home or getting him a new job when he got sacked, either or. I also understand again from what i have read that I became very co-dependant (my family were entirely normal with no dependancies/ mental illness etc but my Mother though caring would never even use the word 'love' but I know she loved us dearly) recently after a binge he returned home to find I had put his things outside and came in and set fire to the kitchen whilst I was upstairs (there has been a number of such incidents) He was arrested and now faces the penalty this may bring, although I have said I did not wish to go to court. After a short while I asked him to come home again, desperate to have this normal family life and we did albeit short. It didn't take too long for him to disapear again as his Father has recently come into several thousand pounds all of which he will spend on drink and happily encourage my partner to join him. I 'snapped' overdosed on sleeping tablets and am now being treated for depression. He simply walked away, he left his things, his car, his job, us everything and made no effort to contact me or even enquire through friends about my well being. Since then I have been contacting him sporadically to try to arrange meetings to see our daughter (but in reality I want him to see me) also on the occasion I do drink I will get very upsaet and try to contact him then. I know to his family and friends he blames my arguing and trying to control his drinking on all the trouble that has been caused, I sometimes wonder if it was my fault, had I held the hurt and anger in when he went missing etc, he wouldn't have become angry and it would have settled down again? He has told me that he no longer loves me, we are over and he will need to 'straighten his head out' before he sees our baby. I can't accept this, He has been drinking solidly every single day now for the last 6 weeks- helped by his dad. Does he mean this? I can't believe he does because during the periods where he was sober or not drinking terribly heavily we were so close and happy. I hope you can answer this honestly becasue I need to hear it even if it is that there is no longer any 'us'. I know the relationship was awful and I would tell a friend to run away fast and not look back. I am 10 years younger than him, have a great family and friends and a good job and it does get a little easier some days but others are horrific it feels like he's dead and I can'[t accept it, I'm just pretending to those around me. So that's really the question, do you think he means it, when the money has gone will he come back to me? On dark days I would gladly have him back, problems as well. I know that sounds pathetic but I am being honest. Any advice would be gratefully appreciated, I'm so consumed by the upset I can't function.

I am an alcoholic....there I finally said it to someone. I never realised it until a little while ago, but it seems thats what I am. Worst off all I got out of the habit of drinking and this past couple weeks I managed to get back into it. I am really upset with myself for what I have done.

A little history.

I suffer from chronic fatigue syndrome. This is partly respobsible for my alcoholism as it saps you of all of your energy. I turned to drink -specifically beer- as a pick me up and as a way of dealing with the constant feeling of exhuastion. However the drink has stayed with me on and off. The problem is that since I was a teenager I have always binge drank ever couple weeks or so, and more so as the years went on and my tolerance grew. I am now 31.

Last year everything snowballed. I start drinking more regularly after a period of living on my own. Then I became exhuasted and had a CFS attack in August 2007 where I couldn't get home without having about 6 drinks to give me the energy to do so. Since then things have been a struggle. The worst of it was shortly after when I totally descended into oblivion. I ended up drinking one and a half bottles of vodka a day and I became severely adicted and pretty much unable to do anything. Life was a struggle and unenjoyable. Drinking was not pleasurable because the feeling of illness was so bad that I really struggled to cope with any moments of sobriety. I would frequently pass out and no remember the previous day.

However, since summer this year I was beginning to get a hold of things, so much so that in recent times I have gone on a cycle of drinking, feeling rough and then coming out of it once I thought I'd had too much and then going a week, on and off, without the drink. As time was going on my energy was coming back more and more. I felt that my life was coming back but that I could handle a few drinks now and again. Usually when I do drink its just a number of beers, which is more than tolerable and generates an easy withdrawl. However, the last time around I managed to drink 5 bottles of wine in two days and that left me with not only a nasty hangover, but it left me with weak arms and legs, which in turn led to depression. This is usually the first sign of a CFS period. I was desperate to sort things out and got by for a few days without drinking until Thursday when I made up a meeting so that I could get out of the office and down to the pub for a pint. 7 pints, a bottle of wine and a treble whiskey later and I went to bed. The Friday was a similar affair, although this time I ended up drinking vodka, beer and brandy. This was a turning point as it had been the first time that I had turned to spirit drinks out of choice. That was a bad sign that things were going to go downhill.

I had the worst hangover and withdrawl on Saturday than I think I'd had in a year. I have been struggling since then. The anxiety has dropped off a bit, so much so that I am in work today. By the fatigue, weakness and depression are worse than they have been for a long time. I feel right now as if I can't function, as if I won't make it home and like I am ready to die. This feels like the end. I have promised myself that from now on I will only drink on special occasions (such as Christmas Day). I will otherwise be off the drink. However, I am desperate to get back to that feeling of normality I had a few weeks ago. I have even thought about going out for a couple pints right now as a way of easing myself off the booze. My drinking so far has been thus:-

Saturday - A large brandy
Sunday - 6 bottles of alcohol free lager (which says no more than 0.05% alcohol on it so it must still have some booze in it) & a few squirts of Barts Rescue Remedy spray on the tongue - which is flowers suspedned in a brandy like fluid - you don't get much through the spray - but its still booze).
Today - so far nothing, although I have been drinking so much water and herbal tea to compensate that I've already made five trips to the loo since getting to work.

I hid Friday and Saturday's drinking from my fiancé out of shame.

I'm not sure whether or not to treat this as day 1 or day 2 of withdrawl, but I think day 2 judging by the slight improvement (I would not have been able to go to work on Saturday he it been an office day). I know I need to bear it through, but this is by far the worst I've had in a long time...and I know its down to the Brandy and vodka - they affect me far worse than wine and especially beer. I'm not sure if I can manage. This one is the last one as my fiancé has basically told me to give up the booze or give up her. I just can't contemplate the latter so I have to be strong and listen to my logic over my body.

Anyhow, I signed up here in the hope that there may be some people who have felt like this before and can try and help me through. I can't really tell anyone how I feel so I was hoping I might find some friends on here who could help me through this. :sad2:

just would like to say i am now on day 11 and feel quite good. it hasn't been that there has been no temptations....i still have beer in my fridge from my last and final binge. at the same time, there has been days where i would normally have cracked a few beer just to cool down....but again, mind over matter.

to those that are having a hard time i just want to say, that it can be done...just need to believe in yourself and keep telling yourself that even just that 1 is too many.

here is to continuing to look forward in this journey. lets hope i stay on this path and don't stray.

Ciao.

I normally post under friends and family, which has been a sanity-saver, but I thought perhaps you could help me out by sharing your experience. Sometimes I feel I need to get the perspective of addicts/alcoholics to make sense of things.

I met my ABF two years ago and I thought he was just a party animal who loves to go out with the boys (I successfully ignored the signs that it might be more than that). He did not drink consistently, but when he did he was wasted. For the first year of our relationship the frequency seemed within the ordinary. Then he had more binges (he was living with me by that time). He would go to the bar and come home to pass out wherever), but overall he was more sober than not.

I went away for the summer and we couldn't talk much. When I came back, he was binge-drinking every night and smoking pot before work and in the evening, on weekends all day long. I had no idea what in the world was going on. He said at first he was depressed and missed me and it seems as if there was a point of no return somewhere. August and September were hard for us because he drank, I nagged, he blamed me, I blamed him, etc. We had some good and honest talks in between, but overall we were both stressed to the max which gives me bad anxiety and makes him drink and there you have that viscious cycle....

He then moved out (for work-related reasons) and things calmed down a bit. I was reading here and got lots of great support from lovely people here at SR. We don't see each other often right now, but the last time I was at his place I saw several empty vodka bottles on the kitchen counter, which was new. He has never had hard liquor at home. Recently he spent one night in jail for something minor (a verbal argument while drunk) and when I picked him up the next day, he bought a can of Jim Beam and Coke and drank it in less than 30 seconds. He wanted to open the can in the car, but I asked him not to. This was also different: in the past he would have never involved me in anything even remotely illegal. He still treats me well, but with less effort (I don't know how else to put it). He calls me less and less. He was planning on coming over recently, but got wasted instead.

I am now trying to keep my cool, focus on myself, and hope for the best. But the progression worries me. He is not totally distancing himself (yet?), but something is changing and there are now more occasions where he chooses alcohol over me and I just feel that there is a distance that wasn't there before. I am trying not to take it personally that he is more distant and I try not to worry myself sick over him. I will also try to find an Al-anon meeting.

I know he has to want a change, but is there anything that a loved one has done that helped you? Even if it's just a note or some sign of "I am here"? I know what I need to do for myself and I come first, but if there is anything I can do for him that does not interfere with my well-being, I would really like to know. I know every one is different, but perhaps you'd like to share with me how it was for you and your loved ones.

Thank you for reading this far!

Kimmie

PS: He has been in treatment before, but it was court-ordered and he didn't really think he had a problem at the time. He didn't mind going there and recently, after admitting that he DOES have a problem, I asked him if he could see himself attending sessions and a therapist there again and that I would give him rides. He agreed at the time, but we haven't talked about it for a while and I don't know if I should bring it up.

The title may sound a little confusing.
I don't post on here very often but i do read peoples posts on here every single day if i can.

I said before my ABF has an alcohol/coke problem. Is in the music business so seems to be surrounded by it.
Well lately i've noticed the past few weeks he's been trying his best to cut down. Even though i don't believe it's possible for anyone to 'cut down'.
He hasn't told me as such that it's what he was trying to do, but he couldn't afford to go out using and drinking, so he'd stay at home. And to stop him getting bored (which happens easily with him) i take him to the cinema and to visit family and rent movies etc.
He seems absolutely fine when he can't afford to do it, and stays at home and doesn't touch a drop of alchohol or coke.

His roommate came home late one night (another musician) and was very very drunk. I made a comment about how bad he looked to my abf. He smiled and me and nodded and said rather pleased with himself 'Exactly. That's why i don't go out and party every night like he does'.
As if that made it OK to binge every 4 or 5 days?? i don't think so.
It seems almost like he is trying to justify his behaviour by comparing it to guys who use more than he does. So it doesn't seem so bad.

I've noticed when he does go out and use (usually when there's a group out together) he will continue even after everyone has gone home to bed. He will go home to his room and keep drinking and snorting coke until there's none left or he's out of money. Calling people on his phone to ramble at them.
This lasts through the night and the following day and eventually he sleeps. But he's gettin more angry at himself when he does this and i'm hoping it might start making him realise this stuff doesn't help him in any shape or form.

One minute he's on about not wanting to be involved anymore and he's had enough, the next minute he is back out with his friends and saying it's not so bad cause it's not everynight.

I do my best to encourage him when he's tellin me he doesn't like it anymore etc. And i ignore him when he does the opposite. I will always stick to my principles and refuse to see him when i know he's going out. Or with friends. I have better things to do.
He's looking for work now to help him with his rent. But won't work more than 3 days per week.

I've noticed he isn't as bad as he used to be (he used to use a lot more than he does now) but he is still no where near to being in a 'normal' life.

Not sure how to help someone who changes their mind so often.
Sorry for the vent but it helps sometimes.
I'm lookin after myself and not stressing so much. I let him get on with it. I find this helps me with my worrying about him so much.

~Limiya~

Hi - I came on this site for a different reason, but once seeing this section, I had a question of my own I have never been able to answer myself regarding my ED.

I have issues with food - I overeat, I binge, starve, overexercise, purge in different ways...sometimes I'm fine for weeks or months...but the point is I have issues. I am not under or overweight I look 'normal'. I have always loved food, I used to sneak chocolates when I was 6 years old and enjoy so much foods from my native country where I grew up!

Everyone says there's a reason for this issue just as other addictions - something I am trying to ignore, or a hole I'm trying to fill - there was damage or trauma somewhere along my path to where I am. BUT I HAD AND HAVE A GREAT LIFE! It's not perfect (I did come on here for something that has recently happened that has me under a great deal of stress), but I have a great family (dysfunctional like any other, but loving and caring!) I have never been abused or neglected in any relationships.

Any stresses in my life are internal - I am innately an anxious person who worries a lot and is insecure (since I was a toddler). I'm an underachiever. I'm a bit lost in the world and haven't found my footing or purpose. But I know my self worth and I respect myself. Despite my feeling 'not good enough', I know that I'm ok in this world.

SO WHY do I have these issues? There is nothing that sticks out to me that I'm trying to sedate, or hide from or 'fill' with food. It reminds me of my chiropractor insisting that I was in some kind of accident because my back so screwed up and me insisting that if I had been I would have known about it!

Any insight, maybe a different way of looking at this would be so helpful!
Thank you!
Liv

As some of you will know my AH is a binge alcoholic that has even got into cocaine... We have been married for 5 years and I finally got the strength to kick him out .... he was out for a month and I let him back in on the fact that he was to go to his classes and no alcohol in our house or in his work truck... It has been since last Friday and he has yet to go to any classes and I havent seen any alcohol ..one point for him... I dont feel like I need to be reminding him to go to AA so I have been biting my tongue...

It is just so hard to believe w/o seeing bc he has been so sweet to me but that isnt anything new.. am I wrong to want to kick him back out bc he may not be drinking but he isnt showing me he wants to help himslef with his AA classes .. He went for about a month 6 months ago so I know they help him ... Is him not going to classes showing me he doesnt want to or isnt ready to change..... the harsh truth hurts but it is the only thing that opened my eyes... please help with any words of wisdom I am at a loss for words or what to feel

My A. is my husband. He went out a month ago on a binge and ended up being unfaithful. I have all these angry mean feelings towards this nameless facesless woman. What is wrong with me? I have prayed, I have gone to an Alanon meeting, but these feelings are not going away. I even wrote a letter to this woman, -I don't know who she is, I can't send it-anyway today we got our cel phone bill and there is her number! It is killing me, trying not to call ...and rant and rage at her. I have already done that to him enough. Again and again. I keep thinking, where is the justice for me? I feel like a victim and I want to feel vindicated. Can anyone point me in a positive healthy direction? Some advice or something to read. thanks

If I wasn't awake having coffee, I would think my life was a continual nightmare. I reunited with my HS Sweetheart after 25 years, got out of an abusive (alcohol, physical, mental, etc) relationship (23yrs married) I have been with my A boyfriend for 2.5 years and he tends to leave the relationship every 3 months to go on a binge. While at home he drinks every Friday, to the point of passing out. He has been gone for 3 months this time, the last times was only 1-3 weeks with him coming back making demands on how I am to behave myself (ie: talking to him while he is drinking, which leads to an argument, having a problem with him drinking and driving (which he did stop doing that) getting upset at his inability to stay focused on the relationship because he is either drinking, thinking about drinking or planning a drunk)

He is gone now, and we do have daily contact, usually he is drunk but at times he calls during the day because I insisted he calls when he is not intoxicated, so he does respect that. He is living with his Mom in another state and is saying he can't come back home until my heart is purged of all the past abuse that I have gone through which causes HIM anxiety and panic. (he is using me as a escape goat) He goes from that to, he wants to come home but it isn't time. (no, because he is drunk and has been for the past 3 months straight!) He wants me to wait for him to seek God and for me to not move on into another relationship. Every conversation we have revolves around what I have done WRONG in the relationship (verbalizing my upset ness about how he chooses to drink or gamble over anything else)

He is crying every day, day and night (When he calls he is usually sobbing uncontrollably) he repeats over and over how much he loves me, how I am his one true love and he can't continue going on without me, and then turns around and says it's not time to come home. He says, I am only at Mom's helping her out, she is mentally ill (on Haldol) and needs me. Please wait for me to come to terms with some things.

I feel this is just a cop out to continue drinking daily, where he can't do that at home because I have a son who lives with me and I can't allow daily drinking in his life.

I am ready to move on, detach from him to give myself peace in my heart and soul. I am not moving on into another relationship because at this point in my life I have to find out why I am basically addicted to alcoholics and abusers. I am in counseling and have been for the last 1.5 years and am told weekly to stop the contact with him for me to be able to recover. I don't know HOW I am going to stop the contact, I don't want him to hurt himself (although I know it will not be my fault if he does) I love him very much and know that he is a good man under the illness that grips him by the throat. When he isn't drinking he is a fantastic, I mean.. FANTASTIC person.

We have both had some pretty horrific things happen in our life since we have been together. His Uncle was murdered 2 years ago (by my ABF A brother), and my daughter and grandson were killed in a terrible car accident in February 2008. It's like life is a nightmare and I just want to live life in peace.

I don't know what to do about this situation, I really want him to come home where at least I know he is safe, but at what cost to me am I willing to pay.