Drug Rehab Options Blog

First posted in August and managed to stay sober until around mid -october but sort of lost it a bit - no mad binges, no crazy nights, just started again :02: Sooo, did that stupid min thing and decided that as it was xmas would carry on till new year.

Anyway am back again - day one sober, also day one cigarette free!! Doing well, and feeling good.

Hope everyone who remembers me is still ok.


love


cm xxxxx

You all know I am pretty open with my shares. Maybe sometimes too open.
And I have no problems putting myself out there wide open. Thats how I get the support I need when I am being a screw up.
But I have posted before about my grams. Which I donlike to do but I do sometimes because it affects me alot.
And I am far from anyone to be complaining about someone elses disease.
But I am hurting so bad right now. I am fighting back tears because I dont knw how to handle this. I am having flash backs of when I grew up with her and my gramps drinking.
I hate to put her out there like that because she has always protected me in my addiction. Never betrayed my trust. But today I cant deal.
First let me say...Even tho I havent told you guys here. I have used the frit 2 weeks of this month. Nothing drastic. Just one trip one time on two of my paydays the first 2 weeks of this month. Why? I guess its the pattern of this month as it has been for years. And it by no means is justifyable in any way. So I dont even feel right even coming here with this. But I am so hurt right now. As I am sure she has been my whole life watching me destroy myself.
I woke up this morning and she was already plastered. She has been drinking since yesterday afternoon. I wasnt heerall night so I didnt have to see it.
I simply said..You drinking already? And she blew a fuse. And you know how when somempeople drink..They start ranting about things. Noone cares about her. Everyone takes her money..they use her and blah blah blah. The same shyt she always goes off about when she drinks. ow she doesnt drink often. But when she does she binges.
She has gone through a gallon and 4 splits of red wine since yesterday afternoon. Ad almost broke open a bottle of wine I bought for my cousins wifes grandmother for christmas.
She took my keys and thought she was going to take my lil cousin shopping today. And when I told her absolutley not she got irrate. Saying she was going to take a nap and she woud have been fine. You kids think you can run my life. I gave up everything for you kids. ALl you kids do is use me. And then we started into the where were you a couple weeks ago. Wheres the money you owe me. You betetr find another place to live.
And I am not goin gto lie..I lost it at first and said soe pretty mean things. But then I stoped and went and hugged her and apologised and told her to just go lay down. And if she wanted me to drive her to take my lil cousin shopping I would. Thats wasnt good enough.
She was telling me that she gaeve everything up for me. But since she put me before her now she has nothing.
Nnone ever does anything for her and just all that self pity angry drunken rambling.
Some of that is true. But it cut me like a knife.
I deserve what she said to me. Because I am no where any better in what I do.
But When she got mad about wantigng to drive my van with my cousin..Thats where I have to stand my ground. I would never ever get high around my baby cousins and definately wouldnt try drivivng with them in the car.
This is not her. She knows better.
And I dont want to make her out to be a bad person. Because she isnt. And she would never hrut any of us. Those babies are her life right now. But her judgement is not right at the moment.
I know she has alot of built up issues that she never voices becasue thats just her. But when she drinks..She lets it all out and says it ways I know she doesnt mean.
I tried closing my door. She is still running her mouth out there.
Then she comes in my room and just wont stop.
I dont want to be mean. But how do I get her to just stop!!!
Well..I guess she went to lay down.
I guess this is how it feels to watch me do this to myself.
I ahte seeing her liek that. But she gets so mean when she drinks. Always has. But when she doesnt drink. She is the sweestest..kindest..gentlest..most tolerant person in the world.
I hate she feels like she does. And it only comes out when shes drinking.
Does she really feel like that. But never syas anythign until alcohol gives her the courage? Or is it just the alcohol making her say things she doesnt mean?
I struggle with being patient with her. AN dI did lose my cool at first. But quickly stopped and just let her run her mouth and hugged her and told her I am sorry I am screw up and we do care about her. But she just keeps going on and on.
She has never once lost her cool with me in my lowest. And I feel bad I didnt do the same at first.
It hurts so much to see her like that.
And it hurts even more that even though I did slip 2 times recently. But I am trying my very best.
I coudnt even buy her a xmas card because I am so far behind on my bills and those 2 screw ups didnt help any. I had o tell my uncle she was drinking because she was suppose to pick up my couisn fron the school bus stop. I hate I had to out her. But I cant let that kid be here right now. And definately cant let her try and drive with him like that.
She knows better. I know it is the alcohol thinking.
Hopefully she sleeps it off and thats it.
I havent been the best person lately. I have had really short tolerance levels. And I dont treat her like I should.

Maybe I have no business even posing this.
I just hurt seeing her liek that and knowing alot of it is because of me.
Maybe I do need to just go move somewhere else and she wouldnt have a piece of shyt like me to deal with.

OK, I want to vent too.

My problem is that when I get drunk and I get mad then I get evil. Of course, it is much easier to make me mad when I am drunk. But I don't get in to fights. I just get in to outragous verbal assaults.

I am a guy and I have no idea how I have all my teeth, my nose is straight, and I do not have a scar across my forehead. I don't know how I have never gotten a DWI, woke up with somebody's wife, or any of the other problems that usually come out of public drinking binges. It truly is an act of god. Ti amazes me and a few of my friends.

The last time was this last Saturday. Two years ago, I vowed not to drink in to bars anymore and I have done soooooooooooooooooooo good at that. Trust me, I have an entire inbox of email messages from a couple of friends trying to get me to go out to the bar in the past few months and I have not gone.

But last Saturday I did. I went to one, drove home, and then went to another. The second one I went to is not a "my kind of people" bar. I blacked out and got thrown out and now have the convenient agony of wondering what kind of major retribution I may suffer in the next few days.

Fortunately, I had not been in there in a couple of years and had not seen those people in a couple of years. I hope fortunately anyway.

After two months of being sober my AW decides she wants a divorce. She moved out three days after my father passed away so all I can say was it was a rough week. Now she has been sober for eight months and we have been to therapy together. She seems to be getting along just fine. I on the other hand continue to be confused by the whole situation. Other than during her binges we did not fight and there was little abuse on either side. I embraced her recovery and have tried to support her the best I can.

I guess the part that confuses me most is that by moving out she has given herself control over our relationship. Not over me, but the relationship. It is almost like when she was drinking in that I have to always watch what I say or do because I do not know what the reaction is going to be. I have always loved her and am so happy for her that she is sober.

I just don't know what to say or do without risking taking steps back. We have nice dinners, recently been physical, but I just don't know when I am going to step over the line with a question or comment. When I do ask questions she very often uses AA tag lines to give herself an out so that she does not have to actually answer or take responsibility for a given subject such as our relastionship.

Any suggestions?

I have been in a 5 year relationship with a man whom I believe to be an alcoholic, I will give you a little insight and hope that you can confirm this. When we met I had just left a 10 year relationship with my University Boyfriend and had lost my Mother after spending some years caring for her with Cancer. I fell instantly in love with him and was happy to indulge in his lifestyle of social drinking at that time. His family are quite dysfunctional, his Mother has always been Bi-Polar, His father a very heavy drinker and his sister has suffered with depression since a breakdown some years past and they all lived together. Over the first few years there were a number of drunken arguments between us but when he was sober he was so kind, conscientious and loving. I then bought a house and became pregnant. Since living in 'our' house and particularly through pregnancy and the subsequent birth of our daughter he went out more and more without me and commonly went on 2 and 3 days drinking binges. I recognise from what I have read that I was enabling this by either - locking the door don't come home or getting him a new job when he got sacked, either or. I also understand again from what i have read that I became very co-dependant (my family were entirely normal with no dependancies/ mental illness etc but my Mother though caring would never even use the word 'love' but I know she loved us dearly) recently after a binge he returned home to find I had put his things outside and came in and set fire to the kitchen whilst I was upstairs (there has been a number of such incidents) He was arrested and now faces the penalty this may bring, although I have said I did not wish to go to court. After a short while I asked him to come home again, desperate to have this normal family life and we did albeit short. It didn't take too long for him to disapear again as his Father has recently come into several thousand pounds all of which he will spend on drink and happily encourage my partner to join him. I 'snapped' overdosed on sleeping tablets and am now being treated for depression. He simply walked away, he left his things, his car, his job, us everything and made no effort to contact me or even enquire through friends about my well being. Since then I have been contacting him sporadically to try to arrange meetings to see our daughter (but in reality I want him to see me) also on the occasion I do drink I will get very upsaet and try to contact him then. I know to his family and friends he blames my arguing and trying to control his drinking on all the trouble that has been caused, I sometimes wonder if it was my fault, had I held the hurt and anger in when he went missing etc, he wouldn't have become angry and it would have settled down again? He has told me that he no longer loves me, we are over and he will need to 'straighten his head out' before he sees our baby. I can't accept this, He has been drinking solidly every single day now for the last 6 weeks- helped by his dad. Does he mean this? I can't believe he does because during the periods where he was sober or not drinking terribly heavily we were so close and happy. I hope you can answer this honestly becasue I need to hear it even if it is that there is no longer any 'us'. I know the relationship was awful and I would tell a friend to run away fast and not look back. I am 10 years younger than him, have a great family and friends and a good job and it does get a little easier some days but others are horrific it feels like he's dead and I can'[t accept it, I'm just pretending to those around me. So that's really the question, do you think he means it, when the money has gone will he come back to me? On dark days I would gladly have him back, problems as well. I know that sounds pathetic but I am being honest. Any advice would be gratefully appreciated, I'm so consumed by the upset I can't function.

I normally post under friends and family, which has been a sanity-saver, but I thought perhaps you could help me out by sharing your experience. Sometimes I feel I need to get the perspective of addicts/alcoholics to make sense of things.

I met my ABF two years ago and I thought he was just a party animal who loves to go out with the boys (I successfully ignored the signs that it might be more than that). He did not drink consistently, but when he did he was wasted. For the first year of our relationship the frequency seemed within the ordinary. Then he had more binges (he was living with me by that time). He would go to the bar and come home to pass out wherever), but overall he was more sober than not.

I went away for the summer and we couldn't talk much. When I came back, he was binge-drinking every night and smoking pot before work and in the evening, on weekends all day long. I had no idea what in the world was going on. He said at first he was depressed and missed me and it seems as if there was a point of no return somewhere. August and September were hard for us because he drank, I nagged, he blamed me, I blamed him, etc. We had some good and honest talks in between, but overall we were both stressed to the max which gives me bad anxiety and makes him drink and there you have that viscious cycle....

He then moved out (for work-related reasons) and things calmed down a bit. I was reading here and got lots of great support from lovely people here at SR. We don't see each other often right now, but the last time I was at his place I saw several empty vodka bottles on the kitchen counter, which was new. He has never had hard liquor at home. Recently he spent one night in jail for something minor (a verbal argument while drunk) and when I picked him up the next day, he bought a can of Jim Beam and Coke and drank it in less than 30 seconds. He wanted to open the can in the car, but I asked him not to. This was also different: in the past he would have never involved me in anything even remotely illegal. He still treats me well, but with less effort (I don't know how else to put it). He calls me less and less. He was planning on coming over recently, but got wasted instead.

I am now trying to keep my cool, focus on myself, and hope for the best. But the progression worries me. He is not totally distancing himself (yet?), but something is changing and there are now more occasions where he chooses alcohol over me and I just feel that there is a distance that wasn't there before. I am trying not to take it personally that he is more distant and I try not to worry myself sick over him. I will also try to find an Al-anon meeting.

I know he has to want a change, but is there anything that a loved one has done that helped you? Even if it's just a note or some sign of "I am here"? I know what I need to do for myself and I come first, but if there is anything I can do for him that does not interfere with my well-being, I would really like to know. I know every one is different, but perhaps you'd like to share with me how it was for you and your loved ones.

Thank you for reading this far!

Kimmie

PS: He has been in treatment before, but it was court-ordered and he didn't really think he had a problem at the time. He didn't mind going there and recently, after admitting that he DOES have a problem, I asked him if he could see himself attending sessions and a therapist there again and that I would give him rides. He agreed at the time, but we haven't talked about it for a while and I don't know if I should bring it up.

I think that I truely hate myself. I mean why else would I continue to return to the horrors of addiction? I don't feel as if I deserve to be sober and maybe this is God's way of punishing me. They say you have to get sober for yourself but what happens when you don't care anymore? I wish I could stay drunk/high 24 hours a day every day, however, I don't have the money or stamina anymore. I go on these terrible 2-3 day binges until my body just can't take anymore. I feel like I'm in hell. I do realize that I need extensive help or I'm going to die.

tib

Hi everyone,

I just joined and thought I'd post a message about me. To cut a long story short I'm ruining my life with binges. Like many of you I don't drink in the morning or everyday and have managed for several years to use an outdated description of alcoholism to convince myself I was normal. But I aint. I'm the "once I start wild horses will not stop me drinking to oblivion" type. I'm mainly a beer drinker and if I don't get into double figures it's been a quiet night/afternoon. Recently, I'm managing to do it less often but then when I do I seem to go more crazy. I've been aware I've had a problem for sometime but after a particularly embarassing performance on Friday night (at least the bits I remember) I need to do something.

I keep hearing that AA is the way to go but I tried it once about 2 years ago and it was horrific. There we were sat in a circle being all open with each other and I hated it. It may be great for some but not for me. However, I appreciate the power of the support concept and I wonder if a virtual community like this one might fulfil this role.

I also recently tried alcohol counselling. It was helpful but the counsellor didn't seem to think I needed to quit - rather just to moderate. Well, I've tried and failed for 15 years so I think I need to quit.

Problem is, I love it. Alcohol is one of the great loves of my life. The ultimate breathtaking roller coaster ride. Nobody else makes me feel so great, so confident, so free. OK, the vomiting bile and 3 day hangovers are not a nice way for a lover to treat me but all relationships have issues, right? Oh, and if we've been apart for a while, the making up is always simply sensational. Sure, I can feel empty aftewards but it's worth it, isn't it?

In all seriousness, I'm sitting here with a keen meta-awareness of what's going on. I know I'm damaging myself. I know I have classic codependent and self esteem issues from growing up in an overly restricted religious environment that I'm trying to suppress. I know that my father's addiction to prescription drugs and my uncle's to anything he could get his hands on is probably not good genetic news. I know that other relationships in my life are not altogether healthy and have addictive qualities. I know all these things and I do try to address them but how the heck I am going to manage to quit drinking is beyond me.

For what it's worth I'd probably be termed a functioning alcholic/problem drinker. I have a PhD in applied maths and a good job. I'm well paid, have all the trappings of success. Remarkably, I still also have my health. However, I suspect that there is only so long I can continue to drink as I am and keep all these things.

I really want to be free from this before it destroys my life. So, basically, I'm here to find, and hopefully offer, any help and support I can.

I have a dream to be free. Truly free. To think and be just what I am. To not to be controlled by anyone or anything. I'd like to start by dealing with alcohol.

I figure that during my lifetime, I have made the decision to quit drinking at least 1000 times.
about 900 times I made it past day one
about 500 times I made it past day two
about 200 times I made it past day three
about 10 times I made it past a week
6 times I made it past a month
3 times I made it past 6 months
1 time I made it past I year without drinking

I am currently at day one again :happysad:. I am a binge drinker. For years my pattern was one night of drinking, followed by a day and night 'recovering', then the next night I would drink again. In the last couple of years my binges extended to 3-4 days and included drinking in the day.
I probably would have drunk everyday if a) I could afford it
b) I could get away with it and
c) I wasn't suffering such severe health consequences as a result of my drinking that I am terrified every time I drink I am going to die.

My last stint in rehab was a few months ago - it was actually a day programme meaning we went home each night, so I am amazed that I made it through the whole 8 weeks without drinking.
Then a couple of months ago I got sick - after about a week and a half of being very sick, and not taking care of myself because I wasn't able to, I got worn down and I gave in to temptation and relapsed.
I was in full relapse for about 3 weeks, then I tried to pull myself back out of it.
For the past few weeks, my drinking has been a lot better than it was at it's worst, but I've still been giving in about once a week. Usually when I start I don't stop for at least two days. This last time it was 3 days.
So I'm at day one again.
Currently, I am feeling achey, sick, and anxious.
I am feeling tired but I know I probably won't be able to get to sleep tonight because of feeling anxious and panicky, so I will no doubt feel like poop tomorrow as well. And I will no doubt want to drink to make that poop feeling go away.
But I really hope I don't. I'm writing this here because I want to keep a track of how many days I make it to this time, and by doing that in a public forum, though I can still maintain anonimity (thankfully) I may be more inclined to stick to it.
Or maybe not - I don't know. but I am just going to try and observe and track my progress without judging it too much, and see what happens.
Thanks .

Hi Everyone,

I'm a 33 year old wife of a very sick alcoholic. We've been together 12 years and our 7th wedding anniversary is coming up.

I could go on for hours about everything I've gone through but I'm sure you've all heard it before and have been there yourselves. What brought me here this time is the rug that was pulled out from underneath my feet last night. Of all the years I've been telling him to leave (when he's drinking) or leaving him for a few days here and there when he drinks - he told me that HE is leaving ME this time. His binges have been rather frequent the past several months and the last time he drank, about two weeks ago, he sold some of my video games and equipment for a pittance to drink and I was furious. This has happened numerous times before but I was beside myself with anger. I work two jobs, while he works no jobs, and how dare he sell my stuff AGAIN. So since then, he'd been dry and incredibly grouchy. One minute nice and the next, snapping at me or ignoring me completely. Last night I stopped at a grocery store to pick up dinner and his special cereal. I couldn't find it at the store, so I called him. He sounded so angry with me on the phone! I was hurt and I hung up on him. I called him when I got home (I found the cereal after all) to ask him to help me carry groceries upstairs, as we live on the second floor. No answer. I made dinner and he was in and out of the apartment, and later on I heard the sound of a bottle hitting the dumpster in the parking lot, so I figured he was definitely out drinking. When he came inside I asked him to talk to me and he told me he wasn't going to resolve anything with me, and that he made a decision that this week he is leaving. He is getting a small chunk of money this week for doing some web work and that's all he is taking, he says. Normally I would think he is just blowing hot air but for some reason, I think he is serious. He hasn't spoken to me all day.

Part of me is ecstatic to have him out of my hair and the other part feels hurt and rejected. I have stood by him for so long, have been understanding and patient, praying for his recovery. Now he is just going to leave me.

I just need a place to vent a little and to help me remember that I'm not the only one to go through this. I am so ready for the alcoholism to be out of my life but not really ready to lose my marriage. Thanks for letting me vent and for your stories and perspectives as well, as they help me keep my head out of the insane thoughts.