Archive for the ‘Blah’ tag
My Sister called me today
For the first time in years.
I need to "journal" this all out, that phone call and the subsequent phone call "stirred my pot" hugely, I am hoping that I will get some clarity by "journaling with feedback"
As many of you know, I had moved up to "rescue" my family 3 years ago Thanksgiving, and I left maybe 5 months ago, maybe four, not really sure.
The reason I had to "rescue" my family is my sister had an infant and refused to work, leaving my mother to work 100 hour work weeks. long story, blah blah blah much of it is documented here.
My sister is an ex junkie and now a practicing addict on opoids (Dr. prescribed thank you very much med system). She views everyone in the world as how they can add to her life and what she can get from them. She does it so unconsciously as to be nearly unnoticeable. It's just a given "what can I get from this person" is hard wired into who she is.
When I left my "family" and "run away from home" I swore to her that I never wanted to talk to her or any of them ever again, she broke down and sobbing begged me not to "disappear" so I have maintained contact with my sister, but no one else.
I had left some tools there (forgot them) and have been asking her to pick them up and take them to work so I could pick them up for the last few months so I could avoid going to the family property, she has "forgotten" for two months, I eventually did the job I needed those tools for and don't really need them any more, although they are mine, and I "need to get them".
I wasn't really that attached to her picking them up, but under no circumstances was I going to set foot on the family property.
I have called her a number of times in the last few months, twice to ask her about the tools, the other times to see how she was doing and ask about my niece (4 years old), I recently noticed that she never called me, I was the only one that ever called.
I called her from Boston the other day, she sounded great, we had a great conversation, she sounds like she is doing well, she has her eye on a new job, Mom just bought her a new car, my niece is doing great, in the conversation she brought up my tools, and I said yeah, if she could grab them I'd pick them up.
So this morning she knows I am driving up the coast, she calls me, talks for awhile, asks me how I am doing, mentions she is going to pick up my tools so she will have them today, and will I want them today...I am surprised that she called and pleasantly surprised she is concerned for me and doing something for me.
She then asks me about my House generator, we didn't have electricity on the property, everything was solar powered or by "house generators", then she asks me if she could have mine as hers is smoking and about to die.
First I tell her I don't have access to it because it is stored at a friends house, then I relent and say if she drives to meet me (changes a five hour drive into a 3.5 hour drive for me one way) I will pick up my generator and give it to her.
I have no use for it right now, it will be handy during power outages but is by no means a daily necessity for me as it is for her.
After I hung up the phone I was talking to "R" and started to realize I was getting angry, I began to feel manipulated and I realized she had called me for the first time in years and it was the same old story, she needed something, that when I needed my tools 2 months ago she couldn't drive 2 blocks to pick them up, but now she needs something she is suddenly making an effort to not only grab my tools, but to make contact with me.
There is also "other stuff" going on here, my sister is a single mother, the father is in Mexico, and my nickname is "Uncledaddy" for my niece, my "job" was to be the stable male father figure for my niece. As R and I talked she started asking me questions about my niece then asked me who did Bella (niece) have in her life that was a stable male figure.
I got profoundly disturbed, and realized I had started taking distance from my niece about two years ago when I realized that she was my sister's "dream tool" for manipulating me and others, as a matter of fact, that was "the hook" they used to get me to come run the family business, "If you don't come save us, the baby will starve" and my sister used her frequently and even joked about it, during one fight I told my sister she was a "***** without the benefits" because quite frankly that's what she is and how she treats others.
I really like her, she's funny, fun to be around, smart, but she is so geared like a junkie and "what can I get from this situation and this person" is so much a part of who she is I decided I couldn't be around her.
So right now, I am very very deeply disturbed, and I actually had to ask to hang up the phone with R because I was getting so "stirred up" by what had just taken place with my sister, I was beginning to get very angry and feel manipulated by my sister, then when R asked me who was my nieces "father figure" my bile rose up and I started saying "that's my job that's my job that's my job" and getting deeply and profoundly disturbed and upset.
Anyhow, I am going to hit "submit new thread" and reread all of this, I have until 1:30 to make a decision about the generator, and need to do some very thorough "work" around my "family of origin" issues that I had been putting off until my deep and festering resentment had a chance to die down.
If you made it this far, thank you for "listening" and if you just skipped to the end, thank you as well I don't blame you a bit.
I need to "journal" this all out, that phone call and the subsequent phone call "stirred my pot" hugely, I am hoping that I will get some clarity by "journaling with feedback"
As many of you know, I had moved up to "rescue" my family 3 years ago Thanksgiving, and I left maybe 5 months ago, maybe four, not really sure.
The reason I had to "rescue" my family is my sister had an infant and refused to work, leaving my mother to work 100 hour work weeks. long story, blah blah blah much of it is documented here.
My sister is an ex junkie and now a practicing addict on opoids (Dr. prescribed thank you very much med system). She views everyone in the world as how they can add to her life and what she can get from them. She does it so unconsciously as to be nearly unnoticeable. It's just a given "what can I get from this person" is hard wired into who she is.
When I left my "family" and "run away from home" I swore to her that I never wanted to talk to her or any of them ever again, she broke down and sobbing begged me not to "disappear" so I have maintained contact with my sister, but no one else.
I had left some tools there (forgot them) and have been asking her to pick them up and take them to work so I could pick them up for the last few months so I could avoid going to the family property, she has "forgotten" for two months, I eventually did the job I needed those tools for and don't really need them any more, although they are mine, and I "need to get them".
I wasn't really that attached to her picking them up, but under no circumstances was I going to set foot on the family property.
I have called her a number of times in the last few months, twice to ask her about the tools, the other times to see how she was doing and ask about my niece (4 years old), I recently noticed that she never called me, I was the only one that ever called.
I called her from Boston the other day, she sounded great, we had a great conversation, she sounds like she is doing well, she has her eye on a new job, Mom just bought her a new car, my niece is doing great, in the conversation she brought up my tools, and I said yeah, if she could grab them I'd pick them up.
So this morning she knows I am driving up the coast, she calls me, talks for awhile, asks me how I am doing, mentions she is going to pick up my tools so she will have them today, and will I want them today...I am surprised that she called and pleasantly surprised she is concerned for me and doing something for me.
She then asks me about my House generator, we didn't have electricity on the property, everything was solar powered or by "house generators", then she asks me if she could have mine as hers is smoking and about to die.
First I tell her I don't have access to it because it is stored at a friends house, then I relent and say if she drives to meet me (changes a five hour drive into a 3.5 hour drive for me one way) I will pick up my generator and give it to her.
I have no use for it right now, it will be handy during power outages but is by no means a daily necessity for me as it is for her.
After I hung up the phone I was talking to "R" and started to realize I was getting angry, I began to feel manipulated and I realized she had called me for the first time in years and it was the same old story, she needed something, that when I needed my tools 2 months ago she couldn't drive 2 blocks to pick them up, but now she needs something she is suddenly making an effort to not only grab my tools, but to make contact with me.
There is also "other stuff" going on here, my sister is a single mother, the father is in Mexico, and my nickname is "Uncledaddy" for my niece, my "job" was to be the stable male father figure for my niece. As R and I talked she started asking me questions about my niece then asked me who did Bella (niece) have in her life that was a stable male figure.
I got profoundly disturbed, and realized I had started taking distance from my niece about two years ago when I realized that she was my sister's "dream tool" for manipulating me and others, as a matter of fact, that was "the hook" they used to get me to come run the family business, "If you don't come save us, the baby will starve" and my sister used her frequently and even joked about it, during one fight I told my sister she was a "***** without the benefits" because quite frankly that's what she is and how she treats others.
I really like her, she's funny, fun to be around, smart, but she is so geared like a junkie and "what can I get from this situation and this person" is so much a part of who she is I decided I couldn't be around her.
So right now, I am very very deeply disturbed, and I actually had to ask to hang up the phone with R because I was getting so "stirred up" by what had just taken place with my sister, I was beginning to get very angry and feel manipulated by my sister, then when R asked me who was my nieces "father figure" my bile rose up and I started saying "that's my job that's my job that's my job" and getting deeply and profoundly disturbed and upset.
Anyhow, I am going to hit "submit new thread" and reread all of this, I have until 1:30 to make a decision about the generator, and need to do some very thorough "work" around my "family of origin" issues that I had been putting off until my deep and festering resentment had a chance to die down.
If you made it this far, thank you for "listening" and if you just skipped to the end, thank you as well I don't blame you a bit.
Have you ever had that call?
I don't remember the past twenty years of my my life.
The only buddies I have are my old high school friends. They accepted me back like no time had ever gone by. I absolutly treasure them for that. Problem is, they want to laugh about stories that happened 15 years ago. They think it's funny as hell; I don't remember any of it. I don't remember the time blah met blah blah and they blah'd at the drive in. I don't remember any of it and it pisses me off.
What to do except be frustrated?
The only buddies I have are my old high school friends. They accepted me back like no time had ever gone by. I absolutly treasure them for that. Problem is, they want to laugh about stories that happened 15 years ago. They think it's funny as hell; I don't remember any of it. I don't remember the time blah met blah blah and they blah'd at the drive in. I don't remember any of it and it pisses me off.
What to do except be frustrated?
Maybe I’m not so bad after all …
It seems like any thread I might start is always about something bad ...
I am a musician. I play with some friends at a local pub on Wednesdays. We are the guys who try to pull the middle of the week drinkers in. It is a bit ironic really if you think about it. Anyway ...
My AW has always been very jealous of music. Even though that is one of things that attracted her. Something she would always say to me was that she didn't like thinking about all those girls hitting on me. My reply was that I didn't like her drinking why would I want any girls I could pick up in a bar in the middle of the week.
Of course she was always jealous anyway. Now, I want to say that I am a faithful husband. I wouldn't dream of cheating on my AW. As we are going through this divorce I still consider myself married until the judge says I am not and I act accordingly. That being said, there is this girl that I have known for about a year. She plays and has a really beautiful voice and I enjoy playing and singing with her. Not long after I met her she asked if I gave lesson on guitar and I said yes I did. My wife was not very happy and said no way. She is a young (13 years younger than me) attractive woman who seems very grounded and genuine.
Well, she has been coming on Wednesdays the last couple of weeks. She doesn't drink but comes out for the music. I was under the impression that all she was interested music. Well, I guess that that isn't all she is interested in.
You know how your self esteem goes down the toilet? When you feel like you are not good enough or not worth enough for someone. How you feel that no one will ever be attracted to me again. How will I function without this ONE person that knows me better than anyone .... blah blah blah
Now before some of you say "You don't need a relationship", believe me I know. I am not looking for one but boy did that feel good in the ego. I am going to give her music lessons (strictly professional) and I am sure we will have a good friendship.
I feel like my HP is guiding me.
My son had been going to a new church with a friend from school. A few weeks ago he came home afterward and said "Dad, I think you would like it, there is a lot of music. Will you go with me next week?"
I said sure i would and I did really like it. I saw people I knew and I liked the music. I even got a large lump in my throat and a tear in my eye at one point. Have you ever felt like you were just in the right place at the right time? That is how it felt. Amazing. The next week I felt differently about my circumstances. I felt like I could see a little clearer. I met the leader of the worship service and we had a lot in common and who knows maybe I will be playing there on Sunday mornings.
2 days ago I found out that my AW now has a "roommate" in the house that I am still paying for. It really bummed me out. I couldn't even come on here much. I was consumed by my grief. Could I really be replaced so easily? I stood by and and took all of her crap and then I am just the garbage at the curb?
Then my HP showed me that I have worth. My HP showed me that I have a lot to give. My HP showed me that I am a good guy and people like me. My HP showed me that I was replaced long ago by alcohol, I just couldn't see it. My HP showed me that I will be okay.
And by the way, I figure that if I am paying for this house my son and I should be living in it. I deserve to be comfortable.
Sorry for the long post. I was just feeling good!
I am a musician. I play with some friends at a local pub on Wednesdays. We are the guys who try to pull the middle of the week drinkers in. It is a bit ironic really if you think about it. Anyway ...
My AW has always been very jealous of music. Even though that is one of things that attracted her. Something she would always say to me was that she didn't like thinking about all those girls hitting on me. My reply was that I didn't like her drinking why would I want any girls I could pick up in a bar in the middle of the week.
Of course she was always jealous anyway. Now, I want to say that I am a faithful husband. I wouldn't dream of cheating on my AW. As we are going through this divorce I still consider myself married until the judge says I am not and I act accordingly. That being said, there is this girl that I have known for about a year. She plays and has a really beautiful voice and I enjoy playing and singing with her. Not long after I met her she asked if I gave lesson on guitar and I said yes I did. My wife was not very happy and said no way. She is a young (13 years younger than me) attractive woman who seems very grounded and genuine.
Well, she has been coming on Wednesdays the last couple of weeks. She doesn't drink but comes out for the music. I was under the impression that all she was interested music. Well, I guess that that isn't all she is interested in.
You know how your self esteem goes down the toilet? When you feel like you are not good enough or not worth enough for someone. How you feel that no one will ever be attracted to me again. How will I function without this ONE person that knows me better than anyone .... blah blah blah
Now before some of you say "You don't need a relationship", believe me I know. I am not looking for one but boy did that feel good in the ego. I am going to give her music lessons (strictly professional) and I am sure we will have a good friendship.
I feel like my HP is guiding me.
My son had been going to a new church with a friend from school. A few weeks ago he came home afterward and said "Dad, I think you would like it, there is a lot of music. Will you go with me next week?"
I said sure i would and I did really like it. I saw people I knew and I liked the music. I even got a large lump in my throat and a tear in my eye at one point. Have you ever felt like you were just in the right place at the right time? That is how it felt. Amazing. The next week I felt differently about my circumstances. I felt like I could see a little clearer. I met the leader of the worship service and we had a lot in common and who knows maybe I will be playing there on Sunday mornings.
2 days ago I found out that my AW now has a "roommate" in the house that I am still paying for. It really bummed me out. I couldn't even come on here much. I was consumed by my grief. Could I really be replaced so easily? I stood by and and took all of her crap and then I am just the garbage at the curb?
Then my HP showed me that I have worth. My HP showed me that I have a lot to give. My HP showed me that I am a good guy and people like me. My HP showed me that I was replaced long ago by alcohol, I just couldn't see it. My HP showed me that I will be okay.
And by the way, I figure that if I am paying for this house my son and I should be living in it. I deserve to be comfortable.
Sorry for the long post. I was just feeling good!
TRYING SO HARD to find normal
I have been reading books on Adult children of alcoholics to try to figure out where this started. How long have I been confused and numb? Am I confused? Is the rest of the world confused? My father was an alcoholic. I married a man that is an alcoholic-less drinking but still drinking. It was progressive over the last 40 years, but I now see the 6 pack is an absolute every day. Is it normal for me to sit in the house waiting for him to come in from a beer and a cigarette 5 times a night? Is it normal for me to expect that he will drink those 6 beers every night? I try to balance this all out with he is such a nice person. He is a good man, sweet, caring and would do anything for his family...but quit drinking beer. I have forgiven him for all his indiscretions due to drinking over the last 40 years-were these normal? Should I accept this kind of life? Do I /Should I deserve more than this? Isn't this normal? I grew up with this, I have been in this relationship for 40 years-it must be normal. Don't know what the rest of the world's normal is. I am trying so hard to figure these things out. I am the reason he drinks. He started because of me, if only I could make changes he could stop drinking. He likes to have a few beers after work, blah, blah, blah.
I am going to go to an AlAnon meeting by me they will start again this month. Havent gone to one for 25 years-then I only went once and left with "detach from the alcohol part of him" so I did. His problem though has become mine, because I don't know normal. And I am scared to death to let him know. See I know he would just leave if the choice was me or alcohol-even after all these years. Would come back but all changes would be temporary. I have never threatened to leave. I don't believe in idol threats and I have never been ready to leave. I truly love him. He is my companion, best friend, confident-I know that sounds crazy. Like someone would say-do you see what you are writing? two different descriptions of your life. Sound nuts doesn't it. Now I wonder what life would be like if it was "normal". I just can't seem to find out what normal should be. I have posted a few times, and I am (I think) starting to sort things out a little, but I still find I am very scared that I am not living the "normal" life. Do I want to find out what normal is? Maybe it isn't what I am living. Do I have the inner strength/energy to act on things if I am not living "normal". I am afraid to be alone, but yet crave alone time, and yet feel lonely even though I am married. Does that even make sense??? I am trying hard, just can't seem to get it sorted out. I know Alanon meetings will help but that will be a slow process too. My son introduced me to this site and I read it every morning and every night. I have learned alot already. Enough to know-I NEED to know more, so much more.
I am going to go to an AlAnon meeting by me they will start again this month. Havent gone to one for 25 years-then I only went once and left with "detach from the alcohol part of him" so I did. His problem though has become mine, because I don't know normal. And I am scared to death to let him know. See I know he would just leave if the choice was me or alcohol-even after all these years. Would come back but all changes would be temporary. I have never threatened to leave. I don't believe in idol threats and I have never been ready to leave. I truly love him. He is my companion, best friend, confident-I know that sounds crazy. Like someone would say-do you see what you are writing? two different descriptions of your life. Sound nuts doesn't it. Now I wonder what life would be like if it was "normal". I just can't seem to find out what normal should be. I have posted a few times, and I am (I think) starting to sort things out a little, but I still find I am very scared that I am not living the "normal" life. Do I want to find out what normal is? Maybe it isn't what I am living. Do I have the inner strength/energy to act on things if I am not living "normal". I am afraid to be alone, but yet crave alone time, and yet feel lonely even though I am married. Does that even make sense??? I am trying hard, just can't seem to get it sorted out. I know Alanon meetings will help but that will be a slow process too. My son introduced me to this site and I read it every morning and every night. I have learned alot already. Enough to know-I NEED to know more, so much more.
Horrible Week, even worse tonight.
My youngest daughter, age 26 going on 10, just stormed out of the house and left her 6 month old here saying she didn't want her anymore. Of course, first she had to tell me how heartless I was and it was no wonder my middle daughter is an addict the way I treat them. (I know she didn't mean the daughter part.)
Youngest is close to being an alcoholic, like her dad, and I know I can't help that. She has anger issues that are beyond belief, thinks the world should revolve around her, and is incapable of holding jobs for long because she treats people like dirt. She hooked up with a diehard alcoholic and it's been love, hate, live together, move out, for the last 4 years or so. Last time she lived with us it was to get a new start, blah, blah, blah and all she did was make a mess and chase bf around. When she left to move back in with him my husband said she was never allowed to move back in or he would leave. He means it. She has also moved in with her oldest sister a couple times and has done the same thing, sister also says no more. BF isn't physically abusive but his words cut likes knives, sends her into a fury and she is the one who most often reacts physically.
Of course into all this she has to bring a baby. Beautiful little girl and is one of the happiest babies I've ever had. She is precious. When daughter was pregnant she was still on SSI and had to take some counseling classes and they really helped. She was talking about some college courses and was getting some self-esteem. She had to give up SSI when she moved in with boyfriend and signed off services for a year. Now bf is on a tangent that he wants nothing to do with her anymore. Wants her out of the apartment (this is partly her fault in so that she had to go and get drunk a couple weeks ago and do nothing but fight and so on) and yet he tells her she can stay for the baby's sake and then treats her like dirt and makes ugly remark all night. She says she can't take it anymore and needs to get out and she's losing her mind.
So now tonight, I'm heartless because I won't let her move in here and give up my husband for my own daughter, the one I gave birth to. That I don't care about the h##l she is living in. I won't even give her hugs, (used to but then she say I don't want hugs I need help) can't win in that department. She has no girlfriends because they can't stand her for long. She's some one you just can reason with. Said she's not going to work tomorrow (she works 2 days a week at Dollar General), she's quitting and leaving town. I just kinda sat there through the tirade and that ticked her off so she slammed out the door.
I don't know what to do. I do feel kinda heartless and I feel trapped. I'm mad that she doesn't ever attack her dad, who moved back in with his mother and could perfectly well share an apartment with her, and he just gets to drift along with none of this. I've told her to go to the women's shelter uptown and that really made her blow. Almost wish I had that one on film.
Right now my anxiety is so high I think I'm having a heart attack. I guess I just needed someone to talk to. My hubby just doesn't want to hear it anymore.
Youngest is close to being an alcoholic, like her dad, and I know I can't help that. She has anger issues that are beyond belief, thinks the world should revolve around her, and is incapable of holding jobs for long because she treats people like dirt. She hooked up with a diehard alcoholic and it's been love, hate, live together, move out, for the last 4 years or so. Last time she lived with us it was to get a new start, blah, blah, blah and all she did was make a mess and chase bf around. When she left to move back in with him my husband said she was never allowed to move back in or he would leave. He means it. She has also moved in with her oldest sister a couple times and has done the same thing, sister also says no more. BF isn't physically abusive but his words cut likes knives, sends her into a fury and she is the one who most often reacts physically.
Of course into all this she has to bring a baby. Beautiful little girl and is one of the happiest babies I've ever had. She is precious. When daughter was pregnant she was still on SSI and had to take some counseling classes and they really helped. She was talking about some college courses and was getting some self-esteem. She had to give up SSI when she moved in with boyfriend and signed off services for a year. Now bf is on a tangent that he wants nothing to do with her anymore. Wants her out of the apartment (this is partly her fault in so that she had to go and get drunk a couple weeks ago and do nothing but fight and so on) and yet he tells her she can stay for the baby's sake and then treats her like dirt and makes ugly remark all night. She says she can't take it anymore and needs to get out and she's losing her mind.
So now tonight, I'm heartless because I won't let her move in here and give up my husband for my own daughter, the one I gave birth to. That I don't care about the h##l she is living in. I won't even give her hugs, (used to but then she say I don't want hugs I need help) can't win in that department. She has no girlfriends because they can't stand her for long. She's some one you just can reason with. Said she's not going to work tomorrow (she works 2 days a week at Dollar General), she's quitting and leaving town. I just kinda sat there through the tirade and that ticked her off so she slammed out the door.
I don't know what to do. I do feel kinda heartless and I feel trapped. I'm mad that she doesn't ever attack her dad, who moved back in with his mother and could perfectly well share an apartment with her, and he just gets to drift along with none of this. I've told her to go to the women's shelter uptown and that really made her blow. Almost wish I had that one on film.
Right now my anxiety is so high I think I'm having a heart attack. I guess I just needed someone to talk to. My hubby just doesn't want to hear it anymore.
Today I am freaking OUT!!!
Ok so for the first week that the exadbf was kicked out he acted like it was the best thing that had happened to him. Acted like he was better off without his family and life was gonna be GREAT. Even went as far as saying he was gonna get his own place. Then it changed to he was moving in with his sister when she moved into a new place on the first of November.
Next two weeks he is in major depression. Kept saying he was gonna come get the rest of his stuff on such and such day and then that day would come and he would say oh next week or another day. Doesnt really talk to me aside from what is going on with the kids and blah blah.
On Wednesday he started to open up and talk about his FEELINGS which blew me because he hasnt talked of his FEELINGS or FELT anything for months. He said he missed me and the kids and that he loved us. He knew that he needed help and where to go for help but.....And he couldnt finish it. I assume that he is afraid. We spent some very good time talking about life and he said he just wanted to be happy. I told him that only he could do that. He went on to say that he couldnt just show up at the house with the kids that that was gonna take work. I assumed he was taking about coming home.
Now today I talked to him while picking up our daughter and the story has changed AGAIN. Now he said that in a couple of weeks he was getting his own place and that he needed the baby's crib and he was coming for the rest of his stuff. I CANT BELIEVE THIS BACKSTEP!!! I really thought he was starting to see the light because he missed his family. And now we are back to square one???? I dont get it. One minute he is telling me how much he loves me and that and now he is making another decision to go another direction instead of putting his family back together.
This is killing me. I really thought I was getting better and now today this....I dont know what to make of it. He seemed so angry when I spoke to him. I dont understand this behavior....Please somebody help!!!
He also mentioned today that he was getting sick. So I wondered if he was getting ready to withdraw from his pills as he may be out until the middle of NOV.
Next two weeks he is in major depression. Kept saying he was gonna come get the rest of his stuff on such and such day and then that day would come and he would say oh next week or another day. Doesnt really talk to me aside from what is going on with the kids and blah blah.
On Wednesday he started to open up and talk about his FEELINGS which blew me because he hasnt talked of his FEELINGS or FELT anything for months. He said he missed me and the kids and that he loved us. He knew that he needed help and where to go for help but.....And he couldnt finish it. I assume that he is afraid. We spent some very good time talking about life and he said he just wanted to be happy. I told him that only he could do that. He went on to say that he couldnt just show up at the house with the kids that that was gonna take work. I assumed he was taking about coming home.
Now today I talked to him while picking up our daughter and the story has changed AGAIN. Now he said that in a couple of weeks he was getting his own place and that he needed the baby's crib and he was coming for the rest of his stuff. I CANT BELIEVE THIS BACKSTEP!!! I really thought he was starting to see the light because he missed his family. And now we are back to square one???? I dont get it. One minute he is telling me how much he loves me and that and now he is making another decision to go another direction instead of putting his family back together.
This is killing me. I really thought I was getting better and now today this....I dont know what to make of it. He seemed so angry when I spoke to him. I dont understand this behavior....Please somebody help!!!
He also mentioned today that he was getting sick. So I wondered if he was getting ready to withdraw from his pills as he may be out until the middle of NOV.
Struggle for Intimacy
I am a recovery addict and the adult child of two alcoholics and all the way down on both sides of their families. I've been through the usual stuff we go through.
I have been clean for nearly five years and still can't get myself to date...I have instant fear when someone even pays any attention to me. I want to change that but I don't know how. I have been to psychologists and psychiatrists...they ask how my week was and blah, blah, blah...I can get that at a meeting or talking with a friend and it doesn't cost me $$$. I am doing diligent step work (my 4th set). I don't even know how to flirt anymore.
Anyone out there expeience this and what helped?:wtf2
I have been clean for nearly five years and still can't get myself to date...I have instant fear when someone even pays any attention to me. I want to change that but I don't know how. I have been to psychologists and psychiatrists...they ask how my week was and blah, blah, blah...I can get that at a meeting or talking with a friend and it doesn't cost me $$$. I am doing diligent step work (my 4th set). I don't even know how to flirt anymore.
Anyone out there expeience this and what helped?:wtf2
NA Drama (Continuing Part 4739) *Warning, super long post*
Okay Folks,
Here goes. I am trying really hard to NOT DWELL. Okay, so you all know that I moved to an itty bitty town out in the middle of nowheresland Central WI 6 yrs ago where NA is SMALL. DID I say SMALL????
The women there just cannot get along. There is one woman there (Z) who has some sort of a personality disorder. I mean she just sort of bursts things out, like a little kid and if she is mad at you she will just scream I hate you, or, I am never talking to you again, and run out of the rooms.
I have befriended her cuz she is obviously alienated herself from a lot of ppl and I hate it when ppl make fun of her.
Well, last night it happened again. There is another lady (Q) who was there last night and Z has tried and tried to talk to her for something that happened a month ago. I know in my heart that Z just wants Q to get over it so they can be friends again. Well, Q wants NO part of Z ever ever again and has been making this quite clear.
I know this is rambling now, but last night when I read the JFT it was on Principles before Personalities and so she was kind of sharing to the other woman how she needs forgiveness, blah blah blah....well, Q didn't bite, Z was crying and screamed out at the end how Z was a &$%& B-iatch and ran from the room once again. I was trying to calm her down cuz we had just gotten in the circle to say the Serenity prayer and then she ran out.
Now I know I have NO control over ppl, places or things, but I swear, week after week this has been going on. This is the 4th time, Sept. 21st it was a showdown in the parking lot, screaming match, nose to nose confrontation that almost ended in swings...Then there was even road rage involved. (On Z's part following Q way too close and honking and tailgating for miles)
I am at the point now where I just want to say FORGET IT! I hate drama, I don't really want to be around either of these women cuz I honestly think they both have anger issues and I want to just leave and go to AA. No matter what meeting in town I want to attend one or both are gonna be there. It is starting to affect my recovery now, or at least I am allowing it to. Q said to me last night she thought Z was trying to come between us. Q is the one who if any of you remember told me a month ago she couldn't talk to me anymore because I didn't want to gossip about Z with her. I don't really think she is the healthiest person to talk to or hang around either. She is on her 4th marriage and ready to leave him too. She just seems so angry all the time.
Now the reason I am posting all of this on here and not going to my sponser is cuz since there are so few women and my sponsor is the other woman, and she was away at a convention, I just don't want to tell her about it and spread it any further. She really doesn't need to know, unless someone else chooses to share it with her. It just wouldn't be right.
Today Z called me and I was glad I wasn't home, cuz I am frankly ticked off at her and her mouth.
What would you guys do? Stick it out, or run back to AA where there are so many ppl that I am sure I could find some less dramatic women to hang around with.
That is the one hard thing about small towns, everyone is in everyone's business and meddling and nosey and sometimes just plain old MEAN!
UGH!
Yesterday was a really crappy day for me and I was really looking forward to a meeting and picking up my 9 month keytag. Since there was only 5 of us one guy said, oh, we don't really even need to have a meeting, lets just visit..... well, THAT ticked me off too. Here I left the comfort of my home and drove 15 miles on dark deer riddled roads and unlocked the church, set up, made coffee and I wanted a meeting! So, I handed out the readings and the keytag box, then Q (who didn't know it was my 9 mnth said, well, we don't need to do these anyway, right??) I said, YES, maybe someone has an anni......I wasn't leaving there w/out my yellow keytag!!!!!
I left last night feeling even crappier.
Well that is my sob story...
Thanks for reading if you got this far...
Sheila
Here goes. I am trying really hard to NOT DWELL. Okay, so you all know that I moved to an itty bitty town out in the middle of nowheresland Central WI 6 yrs ago where NA is SMALL. DID I say SMALL????
The women there just cannot get along. There is one woman there (Z) who has some sort of a personality disorder. I mean she just sort of bursts things out, like a little kid and if she is mad at you she will just scream I hate you, or, I am never talking to you again, and run out of the rooms.
I have befriended her cuz she is obviously alienated herself from a lot of ppl and I hate it when ppl make fun of her.
Well, last night it happened again. There is another lady (Q) who was there last night and Z has tried and tried to talk to her for something that happened a month ago. I know in my heart that Z just wants Q to get over it so they can be friends again. Well, Q wants NO part of Z ever ever again and has been making this quite clear.
I know this is rambling now, but last night when I read the JFT it was on Principles before Personalities and so she was kind of sharing to the other woman how she needs forgiveness, blah blah blah....well, Q didn't bite, Z was crying and screamed out at the end how Z was a &$%& B-iatch and ran from the room once again. I was trying to calm her down cuz we had just gotten in the circle to say the Serenity prayer and then she ran out.
Now I know I have NO control over ppl, places or things, but I swear, week after week this has been going on. This is the 4th time, Sept. 21st it was a showdown in the parking lot, screaming match, nose to nose confrontation that almost ended in swings...Then there was even road rage involved. (On Z's part following Q way too close and honking and tailgating for miles)
I am at the point now where I just want to say FORGET IT! I hate drama, I don't really want to be around either of these women cuz I honestly think they both have anger issues and I want to just leave and go to AA. No matter what meeting in town I want to attend one or both are gonna be there. It is starting to affect my recovery now, or at least I am allowing it to. Q said to me last night she thought Z was trying to come between us. Q is the one who if any of you remember told me a month ago she couldn't talk to me anymore because I didn't want to gossip about Z with her. I don't really think she is the healthiest person to talk to or hang around either. She is on her 4th marriage and ready to leave him too. She just seems so angry all the time.
Now the reason I am posting all of this on here and not going to my sponser is cuz since there are so few women and my sponsor is the other woman, and she was away at a convention, I just don't want to tell her about it and spread it any further. She really doesn't need to know, unless someone else chooses to share it with her. It just wouldn't be right.
Today Z called me and I was glad I wasn't home, cuz I am frankly ticked off at her and her mouth.
What would you guys do? Stick it out, or run back to AA where there are so many ppl that I am sure I could find some less dramatic women to hang around with.
That is the one hard thing about small towns, everyone is in everyone's business and meddling and nosey and sometimes just plain old MEAN!
UGH!
Yesterday was a really crappy day for me and I was really looking forward to a meeting and picking up my 9 month keytag. Since there was only 5 of us one guy said, oh, we don't really even need to have a meeting, lets just visit..... well, THAT ticked me off too. Here I left the comfort of my home and drove 15 miles on dark deer riddled roads and unlocked the church, set up, made coffee and I wanted a meeting! So, I handed out the readings and the keytag box, then Q (who didn't know it was my 9 mnth said, well, we don't need to do these anyway, right??) I said, YES, maybe someone has an anni......I wasn't leaving there w/out my yellow keytag!!!!!
I left last night feeling even crappier.
Well that is my sob story...
Thanks for reading if you got this far...
Sheila
NA Drama (Continuing Part 4739) *Warning, super long post*
Okay Folks,
Here goes. I am trying really hard to NOT DWELL. Okay, so you all know that I moved to an itty bitty town out in the middle of nowheresland Central WI 6 yrs ago where NA is SMALL. DID I say SMALL????
The women there just cannot get along. There is one woman there (Z) who has some sort of a personality disorder. I mean she just sort of bursts things out, like a little kid and if she is mad at you she will just scream I hate you, or, I am never talking to you again, and run out of the rooms.
I have befriended her cuz she is obviously alienated herself from a lot of ppl and I hate it when ppl make fun of her.
Well, last night it happened again. There is another lady (Q) who was there last night and Z has tried and tried to talk to her for something that happened a month ago. I know in my heart that Z just wants Q to get over it so they can be friends again. Well, Q wants NO part of Z ever ever again and has been making this quite clear.
I know this is rambling now, but last night when I read the JFT it was on Principles before Personalities and so she was kind of sharing to the other woman how she needs forgiveness, blah blah blah....well, Q didn't bite, Z was crying and screamed out at the end how Z was a &$%& B-iatch and ran from the room once again. I was trying to calm her down cuz we had just gotten in the circle to say the Serenity prayer and then she ran out.
Now I know I have NO control over ppl, places or things, but I swear, week after week this has been going on. This is the 4th time, Sept. 21st it was a showdown in the parking lot, screaming match, nose to nose confrontation that almost ended in swings...Then there was even road rage involved. (On Z's part following Q way too close and honking and tailgating for miles)
I am at the point now where I just want to say FORGET IT! I hate drama, I don't really want to be around either of these women cuz I honestly think they both have anger issues and I want to just leave and go to AA. No matter what meeting in town I want to attend one or both are gonna be there. It is starting to affect my recovery now, or at least I am allowing it to. Q said to me last night she thought Z was trying to come between us. Q is the one who if any of you remember told me a month ago she couldn't talk to me anymore because I didn't want to gossip about Z with her. I don't really think she is the healthiest person to talk to or hang around either. She is on her 4th marriage and ready to leave him too. She just seems so angry all the time.
Now the reason I am posting all of this on here and not going to my sponser is cuz since there are so few women and my sponsor is the other woman, and she was away at a convention, I just don't want to tell her about it and spread it any further. She really doesn't need to know, unless someone else chooses to share it with her. It just wouldn't be right.
Today Z called me and I was glad I wasn't home, cuz I am frankly ticked off at her and her mouth.
What would you guys do? Stick it out, or run back to AA where there are so many ppl that I am sure I could find some less dramatic women to hang around with.
That is the one hard thing about small towns, everyone is in everyone's business and meddling and nosey and sometimes just plain old MEAN!
UGH!
Yesterday was a really crappy day for me and I was really looking forward to a meeting and picking up my 9 month keytag. Since there was only 5 of us one guy said, oh, we don't really even need to have a meeting, lets just visit..... well, THAT ticked me off too. Here I left the comfort of my home and drove 15 miles on dark deer riddled roads and unlocked the church, set up, made coffee and I wanted a meeting! So, I handed out the readings and the keytag box, then Q (who didn't know it was my 9 mnth said, well, we don't need to do these anyway, right??) I said, YES, maybe someone has an anni......I wasn't leaving there w/out my yellow keytag!!!!!
I left last night feeling even crappier.
Well that is my sob story...I am thinking I probably should have posted this on the women's board?
Thanks for reading if you got this far...
Sheila
Here goes. I am trying really hard to NOT DWELL. Okay, so you all know that I moved to an itty bitty town out in the middle of nowheresland Central WI 6 yrs ago where NA is SMALL. DID I say SMALL????
The women there just cannot get along. There is one woman there (Z) who has some sort of a personality disorder. I mean she just sort of bursts things out, like a little kid and if she is mad at you she will just scream I hate you, or, I am never talking to you again, and run out of the rooms.
I have befriended her cuz she is obviously alienated herself from a lot of ppl and I hate it when ppl make fun of her.
Well, last night it happened again. There is another lady (Q) who was there last night and Z has tried and tried to talk to her for something that happened a month ago. I know in my heart that Z just wants Q to get over it so they can be friends again. Well, Q wants NO part of Z ever ever again and has been making this quite clear.
I know this is rambling now, but last night when I read the JFT it was on Principles before Personalities and so she was kind of sharing to the other woman how she needs forgiveness, blah blah blah....well, Q didn't bite, Z was crying and screamed out at the end how Z was a &$%& B-iatch and ran from the room once again. I was trying to calm her down cuz we had just gotten in the circle to say the Serenity prayer and then she ran out.
Now I know I have NO control over ppl, places or things, but I swear, week after week this has been going on. This is the 4th time, Sept. 21st it was a showdown in the parking lot, screaming match, nose to nose confrontation that almost ended in swings...Then there was even road rage involved. (On Z's part following Q way too close and honking and tailgating for miles)
I am at the point now where I just want to say FORGET IT! I hate drama, I don't really want to be around either of these women cuz I honestly think they both have anger issues and I want to just leave and go to AA. No matter what meeting in town I want to attend one or both are gonna be there. It is starting to affect my recovery now, or at least I am allowing it to. Q said to me last night she thought Z was trying to come between us. Q is the one who if any of you remember told me a month ago she couldn't talk to me anymore because I didn't want to gossip about Z with her. I don't really think she is the healthiest person to talk to or hang around either. She is on her 4th marriage and ready to leave him too. She just seems so angry all the time.
Now the reason I am posting all of this on here and not going to my sponser is cuz since there are so few women and my sponsor is the other woman, and she was away at a convention, I just don't want to tell her about it and spread it any further. She really doesn't need to know, unless someone else chooses to share it with her. It just wouldn't be right.
Today Z called me and I was glad I wasn't home, cuz I am frankly ticked off at her and her mouth.
What would you guys do? Stick it out, or run back to AA where there are so many ppl that I am sure I could find some less dramatic women to hang around with.
That is the one hard thing about small towns, everyone is in everyone's business and meddling and nosey and sometimes just plain old MEAN!
UGH!
Yesterday was a really crappy day for me and I was really looking forward to a meeting and picking up my 9 month keytag. Since there was only 5 of us one guy said, oh, we don't really even need to have a meeting, lets just visit..... well, THAT ticked me off too. Here I left the comfort of my home and drove 15 miles on dark deer riddled roads and unlocked the church, set up, made coffee and I wanted a meeting! So, I handed out the readings and the keytag box, then Q (who didn't know it was my 9 mnth said, well, we don't need to do these anyway, right??) I said, YES, maybe someone has an anni......I wasn't leaving there w/out my yellow keytag!!!!!
I left last night feeling even crappier.
Well that is my sob story...I am thinking I probably should have posted this on the women's board?
Thanks for reading if you got this far...
Sheila
Is it my fault?
Hi All!
Last night my ADEXBF sent me a text message asking if I was still willing to do whatever it takes to allow him to go into inpatient rehab. I said yes. But then I saw him today and he is still talking about how he is getting his apartment with another sister (he is living with his sister now) and talking about his life going on without us.
So then immediately I feel again that the arguements were my fault that I pushed him to hard and that maybe he is right maybe we didnt work out because we didnt get along and blah blah blah. I really get locked into this fight with myself. Yes, before he started abusing his percs and oxy's we had a wonderful relationship and then it started going down the hill because of the pills and I know that but I cant stand this back and forth crap.
I try to tell myself that it is not my fault and that of course he is gonna tell his family we split because we couldnt get along because otherwise he would have to admit that he has a problem. I just hate this back and forth because it really makes me cry and mourn the loss of the love of my life over and over.
Is this normal? Sometimes I feel like he wants to reach out to me but he cant. He tries to say something and then says nevermind forget it. I just dont understand all of this.
He has been gone 2 weeks now and I really think it is starting to sink in with him because for the first time last night he called to see about the kids. I guess I just need to stop doubting myself and no that the person I fell in love with is there but is not in charge. Can anyone relate to what I am saying or having any insight to this??????
Last night my ADEXBF sent me a text message asking if I was still willing to do whatever it takes to allow him to go into inpatient rehab. I said yes. But then I saw him today and he is still talking about how he is getting his apartment with another sister (he is living with his sister now) and talking about his life going on without us.
So then immediately I feel again that the arguements were my fault that I pushed him to hard and that maybe he is right maybe we didnt work out because we didnt get along and blah blah blah. I really get locked into this fight with myself. Yes, before he started abusing his percs and oxy's we had a wonderful relationship and then it started going down the hill because of the pills and I know that but I cant stand this back and forth crap.
I try to tell myself that it is not my fault and that of course he is gonna tell his family we split because we couldnt get along because otherwise he would have to admit that he has a problem. I just hate this back and forth because it really makes me cry and mourn the loss of the love of my life over and over.
Is this normal? Sometimes I feel like he wants to reach out to me but he cant. He tries to say something and then says nevermind forget it. I just dont understand all of this.
He has been gone 2 weeks now and I really think it is starting to sink in with him because for the first time last night he called to see about the kids. I guess I just need to stop doubting myself and no that the person I fell in love with is there but is not in charge. Can anyone relate to what I am saying or having any insight to this??????
