Drug Rehab Options Blog

Well I got myself in a wee bit of trouble. I had been sober.. for a long time (for me), and got stupid, and drank. Drank enough to smell like it the next day. One meeting with my boss later, I was being driven home by a trustworthy coworker. ouch. Never so horrified in my life. Now on a mandatory (thank GOD) counseling/treatment program, my employer is so amazing, they just want me to be better, and they love me. Thank goodness. So I am gonna need you guys.. I dropped off this site, AA, stopped pursuing counseling on my own, and here I am.. rock bottom 2.0.

Here's to us :) Missed ya'll!

On another note... I want to drink.
I really want to go out and party.
This girl Lauren that is Jacks' (my boss) niece is my age wants me to be her "partner in crime" this weekend. I am nervous. I am scared that I won't be able to control myself. I keep hearing this voice in the back on my head saying... "OK you can totally handle only having a few drinks." I know this isn't true, or that it might be true... but it would only be a matter of time until I black out once again.

I would love to party... Go out and just have a GREAT time... and remember EVERYTHING.
I want to be able to have a few drinks and get a bit tipsy and just leave it at that... but the fact is: THIS IS NOT A REALITY FOR ME RIGHT NOW.

Ahhhhh I am ANNOYED.

BOOOOO


it has only been 12 days and already I feel weak.

I had a dream last night that was all about how I was somehow in a house with my ex- boss (the one who heartlessly fired me with no notice and no warnings, for a reason she wouldn't give). She was drinking beer and there was a bottle of one of my favorites in the refrigerator, so I decided I could take a tiny sip but when I poured, it was too quickly and it frothed up. The "boss" noticed and told me to go get another one, in exactly the same condescending manner she used to give duties at work. Then she feigned concern about the bad neighborhood and area. But I went and was successful in finding her beer. It was the stupidest dream ever, but it's definitely anxiety, and I have been very nervous lately.

Hello all

I didn't know what to write in my post title. To be honest the last few months have left me feeling so unsure about everything I get scared to say I know how I feel in case I wake up and hit bottom again but something tells me that this time the feeling may be starting to become more permanent than fleeting.

It's been 4 months now since I left my partner, 2 months since I left our town and nearly a year since it all started to go wrong. He had been in rehab twice for heroin addiction in the past and as far as I know right now he is not doing that but is drinking and using drugs, mainly cocaine.

I finally went to a meeting after trying to do this on my own and via here and it really helped, just like you all said it would. I broke down at work one day too not so long ago and without having to divulge the details to my boss managed through my employer to get a bunch of counselling. I have been twice so far. Since starting to go to see this professional subtle changes have been taking place. After the first meeting I came out feeling worse than ever. So much so that I was almost scared to go the second time but I made myself and I am glad I did. I'm going to see her again on Monday.

I felt so much responsibility for his choice and so much guilt for how I handled him. I don't know exactly how I feel now as I don't want to tempt fate but I know I am thinking of him less, or at least I am not panic-stricken or full of guilt when I do. I am starting to feel lucky that I managed to escape his illness. I don't think I would ever have become an addict but I really think if I had stayed I would have continued to take drugs to fit in and lost all perspective and stuff in my own life. Even if I had managed to not take drugs I would have ended up hating our relationship/life/social circle etc.

I remember last time I went to the counsellor and I said I had felt guilty because surely if I loved him I would have stuck around until he stopped playing with coke, that after all he was not on heroin. She said the drug of choice was not the problem but the use and she asked me did I not think that Coke was a pretty nasty addiction too. Sounds really trivial but it kind of triggered something inside of me. All these months he has been fooling everyone around that he is not in relapse because it is not heroin and we all, myself included, swallowed it. I don't even know if everyone around him has swallowed it or if they (his family for example) are wiser and more able to detach.

Well today you know what? I slept through my alarm call. Do you know how happy that made me? For months my head has literally hurt and felt like it was stuck on this cycle of nothing but him and yet this morning I was so relaxed that I managed to not even hear my alarm. I hope these days are going to become more frequent.

I thought I could leave my partner easily when it started to go wrong because in some way I believed that leaving would bring him to his senses. God, that sounds egotistical but I did. Instead it made him embrace his addiction more, which although left me feeling broken initially has now made me realize the full power drugs have over someone in active addiction . For this reason I am glad in a way that i walked away when I did or I fear I never would have. I hold no anger or resent anymore. Occasionally I get little pangs that make me want to say, ' how could you do this to us, our hopes and dreams of our future, my heart" but I know now to sit with it and it soon passes.

This whole last week my mind has had much peace and I have felt ok. Tonight I am going to sleep really soundly and I am actually looking forward to sleeping alone.

I just wanted to share this today.

Lots of love

xxx

My daughter had to go into work at 8:45 this morning. Because the manager fired two waitresses last week my daughter, who had requested Friday off, is going to have to work. That will make 11 days in a row for her. So she asked her boss if she could please be off by 7:00 tonight so that she could have Thanksgiving dinner with her family. He promised her since she is working tomorrow that she could be out by 7. The other waitresses only worked until the end of the buffet which closed at 5. Their dining room is open until 10:00 for any people who might want to come in. There is one other waitress working. My daughter just called crying because her boss just told her to get the f**k out since she doesn't want to stay. She has already worked almost 10 hours and wants to come to dinner here. She is afraid to leave because he might fire her. What is it with some people who think that they can bully other people. There is one table in the restaurant. How many more are going to come on Thanksgiving night. Sorry for the vent but since she started this job she has not asked for one single day off, she has gone in when she was sick and running a fever and could hardly breathe. She does everything asked of her and what for. So some dumba** manager can abuse her. Marle

Today was my 5th day without alcohol and a lot of things seemed to go my way. I landed my biggest account at my job in the 8 months I've been there and I diffused a normally hostile situation with my boss by trying to see my part in it.

One thing I've already learned from AA is to evaluate my part in all situations. I have an ex wife who took me back to court for full custody of my son. You know what, I had a part in creating that. When my boss has gotten upset with me in the past, I did things to cause it. When my wife gets on me about certain things I have a part in it... I know this seems elementery to many of you but this is honestly a brand new skill I've developed.

Today was a very good day. I worked a full honest day, went to a meeting, had my son, tucked him into bed, and when he woke up and called for me I wasn't brushing my teeth first so he couldn't smell booze. I am in such a better place than I was five days ago.

I have gone to meetings and can tell you that I think I've got step one locked down. I no that I am powerless over actual alcohol and the idea of alcohol. Simply thinking about it gets me going right now. I need to get a sponsor and really dive in, but for now this site is a great help.

Thanks to everyone, and I will not drink tonight!

my ex and i broke up when i found out he was still doing coke, and was dealing with hi being an alcoholic (counseling, Al Anon). we had been having problems because he was always flaky and wasted- affecting our sex life. He would also not spend time with me but come over late (like 1-2 am after work/drinking etc) and I felt like he used me because it was convenient to his job- so he could walk and not take the train and save an hour of time. I also lived near the bar and friends. He didnÂ’t have a phone (bad sign) and I wouldnÂ’t hear from him til the evening some nights, and just felt like he didnÂ’t care or that he called when he had nothing better to do. even when he was working, I just felt like, he used to call at work when it was slow, why isnÂ’t he calling now when its slow?. I was always just thinking he wouldnÂ’t call and it was a bummer so when he did call I gave him an earful. Sometimes I would look for him, and his boss would call me and vice versa to track him down. First he said he would change because he wanted to be with me but when I made it clear he would have to actively be working on it, he said hed think about it. day three I asked him if he thought about it (all these times I had to ask him in the morning before work and then felt bad but it was the only time I knew he was atleast somewhat sober)- he said he hadnÂ’t thought about it. (These were the saddest nights we were together, as I knew it was ending and I was even more depressed and completely and utterly devastated and broken hearted. ) I told him I couldnÂ’t be with someone who did cocaine and as I sobbed and I asked If he understood, which he said he didnÂ’t, I told him why. he said there were a million reasons it wouldnt work- and seemed to have broken up with me when we talked. we have been together off and on 8 years- and he is the only one i have "been" with. he says he cant give me or promise me what i want and isnt going to make promises to. But the truth is that I was a ****** girlfriend- never happy with him when he was trying his best, and always giving a hard time about everything he was doing- even when it didnÂ’t involve drinking because I would find away to make it about drinking. I just didnÂ’t know how unhappy I was with myself, and watching him destroy his life, when I knew at one time this is not the life he wanted, is painful. he has a lot of health problems I worry about, too. I know its his decision but I stll have guilt about knowing I hurt him when he was trying his hardest and trying to be a good boyfriend.

After we broke up, he kept trying to talk to me. I remained no contact. ¾ times we did see each other, within a week of breaking up, then a month later and then a month after that, we would still have physical intimacy and then cuddle. I finally gave in to his attempts at friendship- and although he was still late to meet me, and although he insisted on watching a movie at my house because he wanted to watch a movie with or without me…. when I asked if we could go on walk in a park nearby (where we also had one of our best dates) he said “that’s dating stuff and we don’t do it anymore” it was probably the meanest thing hed ever said- and he was actually doing it to be honest and nice with me. but it broke my heart. I asked him if wed ever get back together, and he said he didn’t know. he said im needier than most girls when i asked if it would work with someone else. It made me feel horrible, because it was true. He didn’t understand why we couldn’t be friends, and I told him It just made me sad. And it makes me sad that he didn’t view me as a girlfriend or have the same feelings for me. He said we were both equally sad just for different reasons (for him he was losing my friendship). Yet later that night we watched juno, said I love you a million times, were physical, and cuddled all night and morning. But in the morning I told him NO CONTACT.

He still did, I still gave in, we saw each other for the last time (we went to see a band play a reunion show) without him sleeping overÂ… he gave me a rose, but we parted ways at the end of the night. He hugged me but ofcourse was going to the bar. He told me to stop by but I didnÂ’t. but it still felt reassuring that he wanted to see me and I felt like he still had feelings for me. The next day he text messaged me, and finally I changed my phone number. Mostly so I wouldnÂ’t call him. He came into my work once, but as soon as I saw him coming close to me I went to the back where he couldnÂ’t reach me.

I was caught partying (very very uncharacteristic of me) by his twin brother, ex girlfriend we are mutually friends with, and best friend. I am not sure if it was that or what, but he emailed to ask if we could do lunch. I told him I wish we could, but I wasn’t there yet. He wrote back that he understood, that if I changed my mind to let him know, that he just wanted to do an innocent lunch. (its not innocent for me, as im still in love with him). I didn’t respond. He wrote me again and said, either way I hope I see you soon. I didn’t respond, a few days later, on a social networking site, he changed his emoticon from nostalgic (from when we broke up) to “mellow” and it now says at the top of his page “he is content with it”. I assumed he meant us, and it HURTS that he is okay and will probably move on like a normal person.
I saw a concert he was at recently, and he did not approach me after we briefly made eye contact. He is finally respecting my boundaries, but it hurts because the truth is I want him to be in love with me as I am still in love with him.

I am in graduate school, I work, I cook a lot, I play in a band, I draw, I have an active social life, I go to counseling, I go to alanon and coda, I have a sponsor. I am on medication but I am still obsessed and cry.

I cry that we can not be together, I cry for the guilt I had, I cry he doesnÂ’t feel the same way, I cry because crazily I still want him to make effort even when I tell him not to, I cry because I donÂ’t think I can move on ( I never have in the past), I cry because I have to since I cant be with him, I cry when I think about him finding a girl that treats him better who he loves or has more fun with. Lastly, I cry because I have cut off our communication lines and feel like he is going to move on as a result while I havenÂ’t. I cry daily (I should probably increase my meds, ha).


My friends and everyone say to “let go” but I do not know HOW. if i had i wouldve done it close to 8 years ago. I don’t feel completely confident that he is not the one for me, i believe we had true love and unmatched chemistry. i have to remind myself daily that it doesn’t matter how he feels about me because it wont work. But it’s hard, I still have feelings of jealousy and even more, I want him to still feel the same way about me. its not that I want him to hurt, its just that it makes me sad that he can move on easily where I don’t know how. And sad because I feel rejected by the love of my life who at one time felt the same way about me and doesn’t now.

Thank you for any responses and taking time to read this! I am most appreciative.

A reminder to everyone in the U.S.-- VOTE!!! Doesn't matter who you vote for, maintain your right to complain about the next president's policies!!! Polls should be open until 7:00 pm and your boss is required to allow you time to vote so no excuses!!!!

Alcoholism is present on both sides of my family. I've had a tendency to drink too much at once since I was 18, but those times were few and far between.

Now, like many here, I am seeking help and a way to get out of this hell.

I won't go into thembarassing things I've done,.....but I would like to tell you how I got here, noting that I'm not excusing myself, but explaining how alcohol became a crutch.

About 8 years ago, my job became increasinglt stressful, my boss increasingly a power hungry arse. I started to drink in the evenings, began to get depressed (but didn't know what it was) and drank more to ease that feeling.

Then my mother got diagnosed with Cancer, which invited more alcohol, more depression. 2 months after my Mom died, my wife filed for divorce, and sudddenly not only was my Mom gone, but now my wife and kids. My wife was aslo drinking heavily, and we weren't happy. I'd plead with her to slow down, because I was trying desperately to. All our friends were heavy drinkers.

I almost lost my licence shortly after my wife left, but the Police Officer, God Bless him took me home instead.

My depression is getting better, but I'm still having troble with alcohol.

I convince myself that I've got ahold of it, and am controlling it now, but that's not true, and eventually the amount creeps back up.

I don't believe moderation can work for me.............right now I'm sipping on Vodka and water, sparingly to try and control the withdrawal symptoms and wean off.

I look forward to being a member here, and hope you can inspire me, and that later I can inspire others.

Two "tests" I guess you could say.

First one, my old boss called me to work. Where I used to work, I cleaned Bed & Breakfast rooms and short-term rental houses. I ALWAYS used there. I quit that job about 6 months ago. I was still using when I quit. I always thought that place would be a HUGE trigger for me. I have been desperately looking for work so when she called me to ask if I wanted to work I was very nervous about accepting but I told myself if I turn down work, I have no right to complain about being broke! So I called my sponsor to see what he thought. He said to do what I feel safe doing. We discussed telling my ex-boss about my recovery which I did and she was SO understanding!

To my surprise, I had NO cravings or triggers at all! The best thing is, the money I earned did not go to drugs!!

Second test was yesterday.

An old friend of mine, who still uses, got married. I have been up in the air about going to her wedding for months. I KNEW I would not attend the reception. I went to the wedding and saw several people I used to use with, some are clean, some not. But I was OK!! After the ceremony I went home, feeling so proud of myself!