Drug Rehab Options Blog

Well, I figured since there is a parent check in- I would start a check in for those who deal with addicts on the spouse/dating/intimate relationship level.

MY HB is in rehab after a 2mo. run (good)
He did it on his own (good)
I didn't enable (good)
He is making amends to return my stolen jewelry/get out of pawn (good)
He has plans to how he will recover (good)
He is willing to listen to my pain and how he hurt me (good). For the first time he stuck around long enough to hear how he damages relationships.

I'm depressed (bad) but working on it everyday by going to support groups and seeing a therapist (good).
I still hold onto hate for his actions (bad) but learning that's what addicts do (good).
I have set up boundaries (good) and was able to verbalize them without remorse or feeling bad (good)

Only one day at a time. I have stopped planning how my life will end up and giving it a time frame. Live for the moment and enjoy each day as it comes. Brace for the ups and downs and NEVER be surprised by another one's actions.

Happy New Year!!

i want to thank you all for helping me get through some really tough stuff. i'm sure there will be much more to come.

i was literally hanging by a thread new years eve. my emotions and moods are all over the place. i know this and have to accept it and ride it out most of the time. thanks ago for reminding me that it doesn't have anything to do with progress.

new years day, it was like my body said enough. i sat around watching good movies in my jammies (excpet going to dinner at my parents) and gave myself the permission to do nothing.

it was then that i made a decision that this is a new year. i decided to just wipe the slate clean from last year. keep the good and get rid of the bad. it's a new year and a brand new start.

i'm determined and i also know without a doubt, without any uncertaintly at all, that i WILL NOT be in the same position at the end of next year. no matter what this is the year that things will change one way or another. i will be in a much better place at the end of next year and this is giving me hope and a better spirit.

AH hasn't drank again in two days and did spend new years eve with me. he says that he talked to a pastor at his church he is going to about counseling. i told him if he is serious i will go with him, but he has to do the work. in the meantime i am holding to my boundaries.

i honestly don't know how i feel about the counseling, because i really don't if the damage is repairable. i don't have the same feelings for him anymore. i love him, but am no loving "in love" with him -kwim? it hurst to acknowledge this, but it is true. he can't seem to understand how much damage is done and the effort and time it will take to repair it, if it is repairable.

anyway, WISHING ALL OF YOU THE VERY BEST IN 2009!!!!

Hello All,

I am still new to recovery that is for sure about 70 days now. This has been my first holiday season sober for a very long time. I do have some concerns about fairness. My fiance and I spent News Years at home and were asleep before midnight. I am new to this and not sure of all boundaries as of yet. I am a little worried that this lifestyle I am adapting too is a large price for my non-alcoholic fiance to have to pay. In the past we had gone to parties and such and spent time with people. We have discussed that those activities were seldom fun for her then as I was drunk all the time. We also have a one year old little girl in our lives, whom is wonderful. All of these changes are good ones I believe. I felt our NYE was wonderful, we were together as a family and woke up early this AM felt good and just went about our day. Maybe these types of concerns lessen over time as my sobriety time increases and my recovery grows. Not sure if anyone else has felt this way, but I would love some feedback.

Happy 2009
Love,
JT

My father has been visiting for the last week. During the first half of his visit, my husband has been on his very best behavior. Well, last night proved to be a bit too much for him. I could tell he had been secretly drinking yesterday late afternoon by the very subtle change in his mannerisms -- very heavy eyelids when talking, very long, irritated stares in my direction, etc. My husband ended up blowing up at me and going to bed at 8:30 because I told him I didn't want him to put away my mother's china and crystal (my mom passed away a few months ago and these items are really precious to me), that I would do it. He said he was absolutely fine and I was being completely ridiculous and out of line. I replied in a very calm manner that it was his choice to drink, that I couldn't do anything about it, but that I didn't feel comfortable with him putting away my mother's heirlooms and I had certain boundaries (aside from this one, the only others having to do with caring for our small children when he's drinking). He was furious and stomped off to bed, but not before saying under his breath that "he's done" and this "makes his decision even easier." (he's been threatening to divorce me; in fairness I have mentioned to him that it might be a good idea for us to possibly separate; the only reason I'm staying right now is that based on my very detailed research, its unlikely that a court would order supervised visitation with no DUI history, etc. -- with two very young children, I don't want to risk their safety as he will most certainly drink when they are under his care)

My dad thought he seemed okay, particularly since my husband only had a glass or two of wine in his presence. My dad said he had been a bit irritating, but didn't think that he was completely drunk. The "problem" is that my husband rarely gets falling down drunk, instead he just "falls asleep." I could tell my father was doubting what my gut was telling me, so even though I shouldn't have to, I decided to find some of the alcohol I was positive my husband was hiding to prove my perceptions. Well, I found a motherload...about seven 1.75 liters of Vodka, most completely empty, a couple with a bit of alcohol in it hidden in some recycling bins in the back of the garage (also last week while looking for a place to hide my children's Christmas presents, I found an almost full bottle of Vodka hidden in a roll of carpeting in our basement -- that one disappeared rather quickly and hasn't been replaced -- I never said anything to him about it). As most of the alcohol bottles from Thanksgiving had been recycled, I'm almost positive all of this had been from the last month. So, here's the question, do I mention anything to my husband or just let it go? He continues to maintain he isn't really drinking much these days (yeah right). I also take care of the finances and he gives me all receipts and haven't seen any alcohol purchases. Obviously, all this alcohol had been purchased with cash on the sly. I'm pretty sure he's been filling up the alcohol bottles in our kitchen with the stash in the garage (a few weeks ago I noticed that the volume in the sole vodka bottle was going up and then a "new brand" of vodka suddenly appeared too.) I'm so tired of being lied to and living with a man that is constantly angry with me. (Everyone else thinks he's the most wonderful father and husband in the world.) Do I confront him with this and let him know that its apparent he is still lying to me? I don't expect that this will get him to change, I suppose I just want him to know that he's not fooling anyone and that I have a right to set some boundaries (particularly with our children) when I rightly suspect that he's been secretly drinking. Thoughts? This site has been a wonderful resource. Thank you.

ABF left at 11:00 this morning to go cut wood with my dad, it's been dark for probably 2 hours, and he still isn't back. My dad is an A...and even though they don't have much $$ between themselves, I am almost positve they are drinking. ABF borrowed $$ from his mom today for gas (to go "cut wood").....it is hurtful that the $$ he does get is probably going to be spent on beer.

I'm sitting here, while Ryan is watching tv. I have enjoyed the peace and quiet today, Ryan and I rocked out on guitar hero, but the longer he is gone, the harder it is to not let his crap affect my night. I am hurt, lonely, and angry. I know it is my choice to be with him, and that I am the only one to change that....I am trying to figure out how people can detach.

I know that what I have done in the past (complain/nag when he gets home) won't do any good for any of us, and I also know that if I just calmly tell him I'm upset and don't want to talk, that he will probably pick pick and pick some more.

I am not even sure what kind of boundaries to have while he is living here. I would go somewhere right now except it is getting late and the roads were nothing but ice today. I know that I am doing better than what I have in the past when this stuff happens, I do feel calmer....but still just bummed out/hurt/anxious. At the same time....I dread the moment when I see his truck pull in, I know that my stomach will be one big mess.

I've lurked on this site a few times but I've never posted. This seems like a good place to throw out a dilemma I'm having. (this may be long. sorry)

Married 7+ years with two young kids. H has been sober since Aug this year. In a nutshell, his last drinking episode was the last straw for me. My boundaries were VERY clear. He crossed the line, and I said "that's it, we are separating".
H says "I will stop drinking, forever".

I really wanted to separate, but this is not financially possible. It's a long story...... I'm in graduate school and have two preschoolers. H cannot afford to support two households - especially with the economy in the dump.

Here's my dilemma:
H says he is committed to "doing whatever it takes" to salvage the marriage". He is seeing a counselor (although she is not trained in addictions work) and he did some reading about A. He is trying to give me physical and emotional space. We have two young kids we both adore.

Problem is: after his last episode I completely checked-out of the relationship. My boundary was crossed and that was it. Even though I recognize all his good qualities, I cannot imagine ever being "in love" with him again. Is this because my trust in him is gone?
How do people reconcile after years of unhealthy enmeshment, finger pointing, anger, and resentment?

Oh, and I tried an Al-Anon group here. It was bad.

Any thoughts? Thanks for reading.

ABF hasn't had a drop to drink in the 2 weeks he has been back, until today. My dad (alcoholic) and his 2 drunk friends stopped by to plow the driveway tonight. Of course, all of them are drinking, and Chris asked them to bring one in for him, promising he would only drink one. Of course, that never happens. Now he is on his second. I know that I can't control it....but they are all sitting on my couch right now, talking, drinking, and being loud.

It takes me back to childhood, I f-u-c-k-i-n-g hate listening to a bunch of drunks, makes my blood boil......

The key to how this night ends is on how I handle things after they leave. I want to flip out, but it won't do any good. Any advice on what to say? I don't have boundaries yet....all day long Chris has been wanting romance and I promised "later", b/c I was busy doing stuff. I can't give it to him now....I just hope I can stay calm, Ryan has a friend over.

Today I had a meltdown like no other. I couldn't even believe how negative and mean my thoughts have become. I screamed that I hated everyone (which I don't) and blamed everyone for the circumstances I am in. I did this in front of the A, since he's been doing it to me for years and somehow I needed to release the hate that I've come to feel, back at him. I yelled mean and hateful things about the people who have come to take advantage of me over the years, in my weakened and unhealthy state.

Since I met him 13 years ago, my life has gone completely downhill. I lost all boundaries. I have nothing to measure good and bad with. I feel as though I have nothing to lose anymore (which isn't true) but that feeling is really like hitting a bottom of sorts. I fall and hurt myself all the time, but I'm always in pain so nothing really hurts more than the usual. Can anyone relate to that feeling that it doesn't really matter if you hurt yourself?

I believe that I must join Al-Anon and cannot put it off any longer. Does it REALLY help everyone? I'm just so low that I don't know if it's worth scraping myself off the floor to go. I want to believe in something, but at this point I don't even care about Christmas and I NEVER thought I'd feel that bad.

I still can't believe that someone else's alcoholism has destroyed me that much. I just feel so sick and drained ...

Hi, I just joined this forum and wanted to share my story and see if others have met similar people.
I am 18 years old, my brother is 24. He still lives with us and is addicted to heroin. He has been into drugs since he was 13 and my family members have never believed me. First it was weed, then oxycotton, and now heroin. He physically and sexually abused me for most of my adolescence. Before the heroin he was always a liar, a manipulater, and displayed the character traits of an evil person. Despite all of the pain he has caused my family, he remains the "favorite". My mother (a former alchoholic) is constantly making excuses for him and refuses to acknowledge what he has done to me. I always asked her to stop drinking, and now that she has, she said my brother is the reason she stopped. She has turned to sleeping all day from depression medicine and Tylenol PM now and is suffering from schizophrenia.
My brother has been arrested numerous times for destruction of property, selling drugs, having drugs on him, stealing, etc.
He has court tomorrow for violating his probation and he may go to jail.
Is it wrong that this does not bother me?
He has been in and out of rehab facilities and although I know it works for some people, it does not work for many, including him.
My parents have never given him any boundaries and I believe this is what led to his drug addiction.
Does anyone know of a person like this who changed from jail? No matter what my brother has done to me, I want him to be better. I want him to be a good person and among the flaws in his character, I want him to be clean. I want to see him suceed, and in time I want to be able to forgive him for what he was.
I'm tired of my parents paying so much money to put him in rehab when it does nothing. I'm tired of my brother trying to steal gifts I bought my fiance, a soldier heading to Iraq, for Christmas. I'm tired of having missing DVDs, and I'm so tired of hearing he has stolen yet another piece of my mothers jewlery.
I hope he goes to jail.
Thanks for listening.

Edit / I just realized I posted this in the wrong section, Sorry.

Hello all. This is my first thread, and I want to thank you all for the strength and encouragement I have seen in this forum. Here's my sob story........

My abf of almost 3 years was 1 1/2 - 2 years "clean" when we met. His DOC is Oxycontin. I always thought it odd that he drank alcohol, but I've discovered that seems to be part of the denial of the disease. Anyways, he had been through rehab after losing his marriage and his business as a result of his addiction. Of course, I didn't find out his addiction was the source of these losses for quite some time, but you all know how THAT goes! Anyways, he had a knee surgery that was done wrong several years ago that led to him getting hooked on the pills. Same botched surgery led him to need to have surgery again this year. Due to scheduling conflicts with his job at the time, he was on Percocet and Oxycontin for about 4 months before the surgery even happened. We tried having me hold the pills and dose him, but my job takes me away sometimes for a couple days at a time and funny how he always found the stash while I was gone. Then we got stuck in the cycle of buying them to supplement so he wouldn't run out. I actually justified in my head that it was cheaper to buy pills than for him to go into withdrawls and not go to work (he had no sick or vacation time).

Trying to make a long story short here.........

Surgery was over 2 months ago and he finally got off the narcotics and onto Suboxone the day before Thanksgiving. He lost his job a month before the surgery. I sort of laid down the law in the middle of November, before he was on the Suboxone. I told him he needed to write down a date when he'd be off the pills entirely and if he wasn't off by that day then we were over. He picked 12/31. He also said that he would go to at least 3 AA meetings per week, get a sponsor, and find a therapist to work with about the reasons he uses.

The problem is, he feels that since he's on the Suboxone, he's met his goal of being off the pills and that's all that matters. However, the weekend before he started Subooxone, he stole $400 dollars out of MY (not OUR) savings account to buy pills. Needless to say, I had a MAJOR melt down!! I told him that he needed to go ABOVE AND BEYOND what he thought was necessary to prove to me that he was getting off the pills. Since then, he's not gone to a single meeting, he's not looking for a job (hasn't even updated his resume), I was gone for 2 days working (one day was 24-hours straight) then came home and he hadn't even emptied the frickin dishwasher.....dirty dishes piled up in the sink!! WTF?!?

I'm struggling. Obviously, he's NOT doing what he needs to do to be a good partner or to stay off the stupid pills. I'm going to regular Al-Anon meetings, and they are all encouraging me not to make any "rash" decisions. So I'm trying to figure out where my boundaries are. But it seems all the boundaries I come up with revolve around his behavior, and that seems to go against the Al-Anon beliefs of not controlling the addict or their behavior.

I'm not someone who is willing to live with an addict who won't work to get/stay clean. In fact, when he first told me of his addiction my words to him were "As long as the drugs are in your past, we'll be fine. However, if you choose to make them a part your present or your future we're gonna have problems."

So how do I draw boundaries that are healthy for me that don't seem like I'm telling him what to do?