Archive for the ‘Brain’ tag
Day one again, thx SR
After waking this a.m. and really wanting sobriety yet the chatter in my head telling me to drink cuz the pain of it all was overwhelming, I decided to come here and visit you all.
The holidays which looked so positively wonderful a month ago, led me out and all I can really say is "I don't know what happened". Working, doing some meetings, staying busy and next thing was a blurr. As hopeless as I'm feeling right now, I know it will get better because it did before this happened. I will fight and I will do this with your help cuz I'm so sick of this disease and what it does to me and others & those affected by it. This time could have taken me out as I almost OD'd two times on pills with the alcohol. My worst fear was coming to and knowing I'm still here. I'm not supposed to die yet otherwise I think I would have. I know there's always a next time, but really fear being brain dead instead of just gone. I don't know my purpose and don't know how to get well, but do know I just don't want to feel like this anymore and keep doing this insanity.
I will give today a chance. I won't drink "just for today" and see how tomorrow evolves. I have committed to go to a meeting tonight (and probably tomorrow night) and that's all I can predict right now. I do want LIFE. Not the life like I've known... I want to change. I want to grow. I want to live, differently!!!
Thanks for your time!!
Nicki
:a108:
The holidays which looked so positively wonderful a month ago, led me out and all I can really say is "I don't know what happened". Working, doing some meetings, staying busy and next thing was a blurr. As hopeless as I'm feeling right now, I know it will get better because it did before this happened. I will fight and I will do this with your help cuz I'm so sick of this disease and what it does to me and others & those affected by it. This time could have taken me out as I almost OD'd two times on pills with the alcohol. My worst fear was coming to and knowing I'm still here. I'm not supposed to die yet otherwise I think I would have. I know there's always a next time, but really fear being brain dead instead of just gone. I don't know my purpose and don't know how to get well, but do know I just don't want to feel like this anymore and keep doing this insanity.
I will give today a chance. I won't drink "just for today" and see how tomorrow evolves. I have committed to go to a meeting tonight (and probably tomorrow night) and that's all I can predict right now. I do want LIFE. Not the life like I've known... I want to change. I want to grow. I want to live, differently!!!
Thanks for your time!!
Nicki
:a108:
My boyfriend just relapsed. Am I handling this correctly?
I will try to keep this short as it has the potential to be very LONG. I have no experience with alcoholism in all my life until I met this man. I am 22 and he is 26. After kissing millions of frogs I finally found my prince. When I got with him I was very aware of his past with alcohol. He was two years sober.
Recently we began having problems, arguing and such. He started drinking, again. Doing coke, again. I will not sleep with him because I'm a virgin, and that is the cause of most of our fights. Now that he's drinking I am DEFINITELY not sleeping with him and I told him that. It is a devestation that no words exsist to describe. I have no idea what to do, no idea what to say, I feel like he is slowly slipping away from me. He is deeply, deeply depressed and is on medication which was controlling it. I tell him that drinking while taking the medication is extremely dangerous as the medication alone is already messing with the chemicals in his brain. Throw drinks and coke in there and... it's painful to even think about it. I have cried myself to sleep and literally made myself sick over this. It is the worst feeling of absolute isolation and helplessness. He is not in denial. He is very aware of what he is doing and how it is effecting me and himself. He just can't stop. He is not an angry drunk, in fact, all he really does is get wasted, come home and pass out. It's almost like he is the same man, just sillier. He is not verbally abusive to me when he is drunk, nor physically.
For the most part I have been by his side at all times because he never used to drink while I was with him. For a while that was enough and he once went an entire five days without a drink. I thought I was seeing progress. Then he started to ask if he could take me home (I don't have a car). Whenever he asks to take me home I know it's because he wants to get drunk and doesn't want me to see him that way as I am a crying, hysterical mess every time I do. For the most part when he asks me to leave I refuse to go because in the past my presence has kept him from drinking, but that is obviously no longer the case. Over the last few days he has been sneaking out and getting drunk in his car while I was asleep and I would wake up to him wasted/passed out. This was my last straw, it is too hearwrenching. I cried/screamed at him, threw out all of his beer, told him to never talk to me again and stormed out. After a long night of googling I've come to the realization that these are the three absolute worst things one can do to an alcoholic. They were right. Last night he was worse then I've ever seen him.
I just have a few questions and I would apprechiate any answers, please.
1) When he first started drinking again he brought his old AA books over to my place and was reading them, he even said to me that he was thinking about going back to AA meetings. Was this the point that I should have really pushed him? Or is his just mentioning going to AA in jest not enough? Everything I've read has told me that he has to make the phone call on his own, make the decision on his own, take action on his own, but if he is reading AA books and talking about AA meetings isn't that a cry for help? Should I not have taken action just because HE wasn't the one making the call? This was all weeks ago. Am I too late? I will always agonize over not taking his keys the moment he said this and dragging him out to the car for the meeting. All I did was say, "You absolutely should go back to meetings. I'll go with you". He said that he likes the all male meetings, so I couldn't go. That was it. :(
2) I broke up with him even though he told me that was the one thing that would make everything worse, but I don't know what else to do. I told him that I cannot see him outside of work anymore (we work together) but that he was welcome to call me whenever he needed to and if he was ready to get sober I would be behind him 100%. Am I going about this correctly? Should I not even let him call me on the phone? I can't see him anymore as it is agony and I know I have to take care of myself but cutting off all contact COMPLETELY seems like abandonment. Plus, I kind of need to hear his voice everyday to calm the anxiety I feel for him every other second. To make sure he's alive, and not overdosing in a ditch somewhere.
All of the articles I've read say that in a relationship with an alcoholic it is important to leave them as they will never need to help themselves if they are having everything handed to them, but that seems so broad. What do they mean by leaving them? Do they mean dissapear from their lives completely i.e no phone calls, no interaction, no nothing? Or just set minimal boundaries, as I have?
I have no ******* idea what to do. No idea. I'm in agony. Please help.
Recently we began having problems, arguing and such. He started drinking, again. Doing coke, again. I will not sleep with him because I'm a virgin, and that is the cause of most of our fights. Now that he's drinking I am DEFINITELY not sleeping with him and I told him that. It is a devestation that no words exsist to describe. I have no idea what to do, no idea what to say, I feel like he is slowly slipping away from me. He is deeply, deeply depressed and is on medication which was controlling it. I tell him that drinking while taking the medication is extremely dangerous as the medication alone is already messing with the chemicals in his brain. Throw drinks and coke in there and... it's painful to even think about it. I have cried myself to sleep and literally made myself sick over this. It is the worst feeling of absolute isolation and helplessness. He is not in denial. He is very aware of what he is doing and how it is effecting me and himself. He just can't stop. He is not an angry drunk, in fact, all he really does is get wasted, come home and pass out. It's almost like he is the same man, just sillier. He is not verbally abusive to me when he is drunk, nor physically.
For the most part I have been by his side at all times because he never used to drink while I was with him. For a while that was enough and he once went an entire five days without a drink. I thought I was seeing progress. Then he started to ask if he could take me home (I don't have a car). Whenever he asks to take me home I know it's because he wants to get drunk and doesn't want me to see him that way as I am a crying, hysterical mess every time I do. For the most part when he asks me to leave I refuse to go because in the past my presence has kept him from drinking, but that is obviously no longer the case. Over the last few days he has been sneaking out and getting drunk in his car while I was asleep and I would wake up to him wasted/passed out. This was my last straw, it is too hearwrenching. I cried/screamed at him, threw out all of his beer, told him to never talk to me again and stormed out. After a long night of googling I've come to the realization that these are the three absolute worst things one can do to an alcoholic. They were right. Last night he was worse then I've ever seen him.
I just have a few questions and I would apprechiate any answers, please.
1) When he first started drinking again he brought his old AA books over to my place and was reading them, he even said to me that he was thinking about going back to AA meetings. Was this the point that I should have really pushed him? Or is his just mentioning going to AA in jest not enough? Everything I've read has told me that he has to make the phone call on his own, make the decision on his own, take action on his own, but if he is reading AA books and talking about AA meetings isn't that a cry for help? Should I not have taken action just because HE wasn't the one making the call? This was all weeks ago. Am I too late? I will always agonize over not taking his keys the moment he said this and dragging him out to the car for the meeting. All I did was say, "You absolutely should go back to meetings. I'll go with you". He said that he likes the all male meetings, so I couldn't go. That was it. :(
2) I broke up with him even though he told me that was the one thing that would make everything worse, but I don't know what else to do. I told him that I cannot see him outside of work anymore (we work together) but that he was welcome to call me whenever he needed to and if he was ready to get sober I would be behind him 100%. Am I going about this correctly? Should I not even let him call me on the phone? I can't see him anymore as it is agony and I know I have to take care of myself but cutting off all contact COMPLETELY seems like abandonment. Plus, I kind of need to hear his voice everyday to calm the anxiety I feel for him every other second. To make sure he's alive, and not overdosing in a ditch somewhere.
All of the articles I've read say that in a relationship with an alcoholic it is important to leave them as they will never need to help themselves if they are having everything handed to them, but that seems so broad. What do they mean by leaving them? Do they mean dissapear from their lives completely i.e no phone calls, no interaction, no nothing? Or just set minimal boundaries, as I have?
I have no ******* idea what to do. No idea. I'm in agony. Please help.
Codeine
Too anyone who doesn't think codeine is addictive enough to worry about, or is thinking on giving it a whirl-
Well, I wanted to post this because, even though codeine is a weaker opiate than many out there, it is very addictive none the less.
I am amazed at the "control" over it, that I dont have.
Somewhere in the neighbourhood of about 2 weeks ago, I started using this stuff again because I had to somehow stop abusing other meds.
Swapping one addiction for another is beyond stupid, I know, but in my addict brain, it seemed like a good idea.
But anyway,back to how addictive this stuff is
Now, maybe I'm weaker than a lot of folks.........I dont know, but my use has more than quadrupled (sp) in just 2 weeks.
I've easily taken 1000 pills in 10-14 days and I cant seem to stop.
My skin is itchy and my arms are scabbing up and i have a pain (off and on)where my liver is located.
Now I know that I cant stop on my own, I realized that yesterday.
In all my going to NA (here and there) this will be the first time I will have to use the phone list to stop this madness.
My point is .........codeine mucked me over quick and will do the same for you, if you flirt with it.
Please don't.
I might add............ I am thoroughly ashamed of myself.
Well, I wanted to post this because, even though codeine is a weaker opiate than many out there, it is very addictive none the less.
I am amazed at the "control" over it, that I dont have.
Somewhere in the neighbourhood of about 2 weeks ago, I started using this stuff again because I had to somehow stop abusing other meds.
Swapping one addiction for another is beyond stupid, I know, but in my addict brain, it seemed like a good idea.
But anyway,back to how addictive this stuff is
Now, maybe I'm weaker than a lot of folks.........I dont know, but my use has more than quadrupled (sp) in just 2 weeks.
I've easily taken 1000 pills in 10-14 days and I cant seem to stop.
My skin is itchy and my arms are scabbing up and i have a pain (off and on)where my liver is located.
Now I know that I cant stop on my own, I realized that yesterday.
In all my going to NA (here and there) this will be the first time I will have to use the phone list to stop this madness.
My point is .........codeine mucked me over quick and will do the same for you, if you flirt with it.
Please don't.
I might add............ I am thoroughly ashamed of myself.
First New Years without drinking in a while.
Amazing, the things that have happened to me ever since I tried to stop drinking which would trigger drinking, let me list them to show to you all that there is hope even with stress to not drink...
Around Juneish I got rejected by a woman I really liked mentally and physically *I never have had a relationship in my life also so it would have been my first time* and I was close to relapsing but I did not.
Around October I lost my Neopets account, this flipped me out because I had it so long and I loved it, however I did not drink.
Insecurities/mental anguish/depression/stress/life problems- This occurs all year around really and can occur a lot... depression spikes, anxiety attacks, life troubles as in lamentations of what I could be, what COULD be and what isn't etc... my insecurity about being an autistic retard... how numb I feel sometimes mentally, always getting off a medication or something, and throughout all those 6 months, no drinking. *I should add there's a lot of alcohol in the house so therefore it's even easier to go back to drinking*
Holidays- All the holidays... especially tonight, I did not drink. Amazing. Willpower and not needing that poison even though I will admit it was my brain's friend once, but that is a lie, it's a true poison that fakes you into something like a hustler...
Domestic Disturbances-I have had some domestic disturbances orally with my grandfather as I listed on the site before but that doesn't happen much anymore but the LAST TIME I DRANK on June 14thish was when my former stepfather who is on parole screamed at me and pointed his finger at me and was going crazy and making me feel bad, which was actually making my left arm ache, my head feel dizzy and pounding with blood, I felt short of breath and almost like I was dying, that's when I drank LAST *but that was before I started my 200 day campaign* And now even with all other Domestic Disturbances/etc I do not drink, so, good.
PSP- My psp broke and it has been making me crazy because I've wanted something installed on it for a while badly and I'm too stupid to follow guides/faqs so it was difficult, but I did not... drink :)
Computer- The biggest thing and IRONICALLY OCCURS ON NEW YEARS EVE, my computer which I've used well for nearly 3 years finally gets a major virus *which be careful all I suggest get AVG and keep it on at all times* anyway, and LUCKILY I was able to save my important files that I thought I would NOT have been able to save in the first place! So... therefore in conclusion, ... it was a successful year in sobriety.
Bless you all and Happy New Year, hope to see you later today in... 19 hours for my New Years Day Meeting! PEACE TO YOU ALL :nyg :nyai
Around Juneish I got rejected by a woman I really liked mentally and physically *I never have had a relationship in my life also so it would have been my first time* and I was close to relapsing but I did not.
Around October I lost my Neopets account, this flipped me out because I had it so long and I loved it, however I did not drink.
Insecurities/mental anguish/depression/stress/life problems- This occurs all year around really and can occur a lot... depression spikes, anxiety attacks, life troubles as in lamentations of what I could be, what COULD be and what isn't etc... my insecurity about being an autistic retard... how numb I feel sometimes mentally, always getting off a medication or something, and throughout all those 6 months, no drinking. *I should add there's a lot of alcohol in the house so therefore it's even easier to go back to drinking*
Holidays- All the holidays... especially tonight, I did not drink. Amazing. Willpower and not needing that poison even though I will admit it was my brain's friend once, but that is a lie, it's a true poison that fakes you into something like a hustler...
Domestic Disturbances-I have had some domestic disturbances orally with my grandfather as I listed on the site before but that doesn't happen much anymore but the LAST TIME I DRANK on June 14thish was when my former stepfather who is on parole screamed at me and pointed his finger at me and was going crazy and making me feel bad, which was actually making my left arm ache, my head feel dizzy and pounding with blood, I felt short of breath and almost like I was dying, that's when I drank LAST *but that was before I started my 200 day campaign* And now even with all other Domestic Disturbances/etc I do not drink, so, good.
PSP- My psp broke and it has been making me crazy because I've wanted something installed on it for a while badly and I'm too stupid to follow guides/faqs so it was difficult, but I did not... drink :)
Computer- The biggest thing and IRONICALLY OCCURS ON NEW YEARS EVE, my computer which I've used well for nearly 3 years finally gets a major virus *which be careful all I suggest get AVG and keep it on at all times* anyway, and LUCKILY I was able to save my important files that I thought I would NOT have been able to save in the first place! So... therefore in conclusion, ... it was a successful year in sobriety.
Bless you all and Happy New Year, hope to see you later today in... 19 hours for my New Years Day Meeting! PEACE TO YOU ALL :nyg :nyai
Need to keep myself honest
Hey, y'all.
So, I'm leaving on Thursday for a weekend trip to Buffalo/Niagara Falls, NY.I'll be there from Thursday evening till Sunday morning, and I'll be with two girl friends.
They don't know that I don't drink any more. They both do drink (like normal people).
I am 97% confident that I will be able to say no when I'm with them. It's the 3% I'm worried about. I would be lying if I didn't say that there is a little voice in my head telling me not to tell either one of them before I get there just so I don't close that door too soon.
God, I feel ashamed just typing this. I've typed and deleted a couple of sentences 3 times now. I think I need to put this out there so that I can deal with it and move on, if that makes sense. But wow... it's harder than I thought it would be.
One of these girls is a very dear friend of mine. I could tell her I simply don't drink anymore, or I could tell her the complete truth about WHY I don't drink anymore. She wouldn't judge me, she would listen, and she would be fine with it. She also wouldn't pressure me (I really don't believe she would) if I just left it at "I quit". The other girl is a friend but not someone I've gotten incredibly close to or comfortable with yet. I would simply tell her that I don't drink anymore and let that be that. I've been thinking about telling them both before I get up there just so they know right off the bat that I won't be drinking with them. Just today I asked if we had any plans for Saturday other than seeing Niagara Falls and one's response was, "Get drunk? :)" I started an email and then deleted it. Why?
Because part of my brain/addiction wants to cling to the belief that if they don't know and I drink then it doesn't count. I am already giving myself excuses to cheat. I am setting myself up for failure.
I just hit 90 days, and 91 days ago I never would have believed it. Why am I plotting and planning how to sneak around and cheat, and how on earth am I convincing myself that it won't count?!
Again I ask you wonderful people - WTF is WRONG with me!?
So, I'm leaving on Thursday for a weekend trip to Buffalo/Niagara Falls, NY.I'll be there from Thursday evening till Sunday morning, and I'll be with two girl friends.
They don't know that I don't drink any more. They both do drink (like normal people).
I am 97% confident that I will be able to say no when I'm with them. It's the 3% I'm worried about. I would be lying if I didn't say that there is a little voice in my head telling me not to tell either one of them before I get there just so I don't close that door too soon.
God, I feel ashamed just typing this. I've typed and deleted a couple of sentences 3 times now. I think I need to put this out there so that I can deal with it and move on, if that makes sense. But wow... it's harder than I thought it would be.
One of these girls is a very dear friend of mine. I could tell her I simply don't drink anymore, or I could tell her the complete truth about WHY I don't drink anymore. She wouldn't judge me, she would listen, and she would be fine with it. She also wouldn't pressure me (I really don't believe she would) if I just left it at "I quit". The other girl is a friend but not someone I've gotten incredibly close to or comfortable with yet. I would simply tell her that I don't drink anymore and let that be that. I've been thinking about telling them both before I get up there just so they know right off the bat that I won't be drinking with them. Just today I asked if we had any plans for Saturday other than seeing Niagara Falls and one's response was, "Get drunk? :)" I started an email and then deleted it. Why?
Because part of my brain/addiction wants to cling to the belief that if they don't know and I drink then it doesn't count. I am already giving myself excuses to cheat. I am setting myself up for failure.
I just hit 90 days, and 91 days ago I never would have believed it. Why am I plotting and planning how to sneak around and cheat, and how on earth am I convincing myself that it won't count?!
Again I ask you wonderful people - WTF is WRONG with me!?
Day 1 again - holidays are tough
I am back to day one after a four night binge from Christmas Eve to last night. My booze brain snuck back up on me "I hate that". I have been a problem drinker since my teens. The last ten years consistenly would go to work, come home and proceed to drink 6-10 units and do it all over again the next night. Then my dad passed away two years ago at the age of 55 and my drinking got worse.
However, one day about six months ago I told myself thats it. I went 34 days without a single drop and then relapsed. I wasn't drinking every day as I use to, but was trying to convince myself I could try and restrict it. It was working *sort of* still drinking too much when drinking, but not every night. Then came holidays from work & I made an excuse to go on a binge again. That lasted five days and I awoke on day six and said time to go sober again.
That sober period lasted 39 days. Relapsed and the same pattern has emerged again. I'm thinking that I am going to have to resign to the fact that total abstinence is the key to figuring my problems out.
Anyways, i'm glad I stumbled onto this site. It may prove to be useful to talk to others in the struggle. Merry belated x-mas and happy new years.
However, one day about six months ago I told myself thats it. I went 34 days without a single drop and then relapsed. I wasn't drinking every day as I use to, but was trying to convince myself I could try and restrict it. It was working *sort of* still drinking too much when drinking, but not every night. Then came holidays from work & I made an excuse to go on a binge again. That lasted five days and I awoke on day six and said time to go sober again.
That sober period lasted 39 days. Relapsed and the same pattern has emerged again. I'm thinking that I am going to have to resign to the fact that total abstinence is the key to figuring my problems out.
Anyways, i'm glad I stumbled onto this site. It may prove to be useful to talk to others in the struggle. Merry belated x-mas and happy new years.
I need a drink.
Last time I went on withdrawl I didn't last very long. Turns out I was getting the flu, which made the withdrawls that much worse and I welched. Anyhow, as you can imagine I snowballed. After days of feeling terrible with the flu I ended up on the wine. Last week alone I drank about 9 bottles of red wine in five days - and I did it in hiding as well. Anyhow, as you can imagine I've felt pretty damned awful since dropping the sauce and I feel so upset with myself that I got back into this cycle.
I'm now on day 3 and sitting at my desk at work, but dammit I feel worse on this withdrawl than ever before. I think the psycological part of it has really gotten to me this time. I'm having more anxiety than usual.
What's more is that my body seems to be more weakened than usual. I presently have weak legs, pains in my hands and feet and a terrible brain cloud. I'm worried that I'm going to have a seizure or something. The problem I have is that I am energyless but I need to commute into the city every day for work, until Christmas Eve. I then have to cook three meals in three days, and at the end of Boxing Day board a flight to Dubai to see the in-laws for 10days, during which I certainly can't afford to drink to "see me through" until I come back and start again.
I know I can't drink because if I do I'll just be delaying all this another day. But I so what to die right now The craving is unreal. Its worse than it has been before.
Help me! :(
I'm now on day 3 and sitting at my desk at work, but dammit I feel worse on this withdrawl than ever before. I think the psycological part of it has really gotten to me this time. I'm having more anxiety than usual.
What's more is that my body seems to be more weakened than usual. I presently have weak legs, pains in my hands and feet and a terrible brain cloud. I'm worried that I'm going to have a seizure or something. The problem I have is that I am energyless but I need to commute into the city every day for work, until Christmas Eve. I then have to cook three meals in three days, and at the end of Boxing Day board a flight to Dubai to see the in-laws for 10days, during which I certainly can't afford to drink to "see me through" until I come back and start again.
I know I can't drink because if I do I'll just be delaying all this another day. But I so what to die right now The craving is unreal. Its worse than it has been before.
Help me! :(
Insanly finding a reason to drink
Im sitting at home and insanely thinking of drinking. My reasoning is sad! After a long session on myspace twisting my brain amongst myspace players falling love with.I don't even know what! Opening doors of impending situations. I yearn for showing up at a local bar and hoping that the two guys i was toying with will be their laughing about me. What a pleasure it would be to join them! Sad thing Is i would have to take a cab use my moms money and dress like a hooker with no money and that does not really work out very well. Not sure what to do don't know if it's reality or fantasy. To far to walk and its raining!
Ok now this is just a thought
I was just sitting here reading posts and one touched on the personality changes in A's. Some people think that the A's true personality comes through when they are drunk. Others say that the brain is so sick that the mind is warped and the drunk person isn't real either.
(This goes for codies too.)
So it has to be true that an A who gets sober will have a 3rd personality. The person they were before they became addicted is gone. The person they were when they were active is gone (hopefully).
There is just no way that a person who goes through addiction and recovery and works to stay there can ever be the same. I wonder if all of our A's that we love so much were to suddenly become sober and work a program (yeah I know it's only a thought) we may find that we don't really even like who they have become and they may realize they don't like who we have become.
Just a wild thought.
(This goes for codies too.)
So it has to be true that an A who gets sober will have a 3rd personality. The person they were before they became addicted is gone. The person they were when they were active is gone (hopefully).
There is just no way that a person who goes through addiction and recovery and works to stay there can ever be the same. I wonder if all of our A's that we love so much were to suddenly become sober and work a program (yeah I know it's only a thought) we may find that we don't really even like who they have become and they may realize they don't like who we have become.
Just a wild thought.
Not A Good Day
I know in my heart I have done the right thing, but I feel horrible about this. They finally arrested my son today for stealing my vehicle and the credit card fraud. He goes up for bail tomorrow, his dad and I will not be there.
This is the hardest thing I have ever done, but I know if I dont do this it will happen again and again. He phoned me earlier today and knew he was going to be arrested devestated of course. His first time in jail.
Why does doing the right thing hurt so bad? I can not allow his chaos in my life anylonger. He was such a beautiful kind person before this drug hijacked his brain. He is not a tough kid, soft spoken dont think he will like jail at all.
I just need some reassurance that I have done the right thing.
This is the hardest thing I have ever done, but I know if I dont do this it will happen again and again. He phoned me earlier today and knew he was going to be arrested devestated of course. His first time in jail.
Why does doing the right thing hurt so bad? I can not allow his chaos in my life anylonger. He was such a beautiful kind person before this drug hijacked his brain. He is not a tough kid, soft spoken dont think he will like jail at all.
I just need some reassurance that I have done the right thing.
