Archive for the ‘Break’ tag
My story…Again
Well here it is 30 days clean.. I know I am far from being OK.. As it differs from person to person. I am though looking forward to that day where I don't think about the pills that took over my life 6 years ago.
At my lowest I was dropping bricks on my foot to break bones so the hospital would give me pain killers. That is when I realized I had a BIG problem. Breaking bones to get pills??? What did I turn into? Now I know it was the pills doing it to me I have a new weapon against that big ol voice in my head!
For those waiting to it bottom before you go get help DONT. The bottom is what scared me and did not want to loose everything I have worked to get nor my family. Dont wait till that time comes. There is no time like the present. Again it aint going to be easy, but your worth it. We are all worth it. We all deserve to happy and drug free!
I am a man of little or no will power so I know if I can do it anyone can do it. It is not easy and at 30 days it is still not easy, it is easier I can say that, thanks to the people here and NA and the people in my life that are willing to help me.
So on my 30th day I thank all you guys and gals for leading me in thew right direction before I hit the bottom. You guys really do rock. SO you deserve a pat on your own backs as well. Keep up the great work!!
:You_Rock_
At my lowest I was dropping bricks on my foot to break bones so the hospital would give me pain killers. That is when I realized I had a BIG problem. Breaking bones to get pills??? What did I turn into? Now I know it was the pills doing it to me I have a new weapon against that big ol voice in my head!
For those waiting to it bottom before you go get help DONT. The bottom is what scared me and did not want to loose everything I have worked to get nor my family. Dont wait till that time comes. There is no time like the present. Again it aint going to be easy, but your worth it. We are all worth it. We all deserve to happy and drug free!
I am a man of little or no will power so I know if I can do it anyone can do it. It is not easy and at 30 days it is still not easy, it is easier I can say that, thanks to the people here and NA and the people in my life that are willing to help me.
So on my 30th day I thank all you guys and gals for leading me in thew right direction before I hit the bottom. You guys really do rock. SO you deserve a pat on your own backs as well. Keep up the great work!!
:You_Rock_
Today is the Day
I decided I needed to make a thread so that this really stuck out there for myself to see. I am making a vow to start new today and stop drinking. I first quit 30 days last September then decided I could handle two glasses of wine. WRONG!!! Then because of the stress of the holidays I decided I needed to drink to keep the stress level down. Boy did that do me alot of good. So I officially am starting again on January 5, 2009.
I am tired of dealing with it. It really is so much easier to not deal with the alcohol at all. My body and mind really need the break! So here goes!
Hope everyone else is doing well in 2009.
I am tired of dealing with it. It really is so much easier to not deal with the alcohol at all. My body and mind really need the break! So here goes!
Hope everyone else is doing well in 2009.
i just connected something today
in 1st grade, a boy i didn't even like, walked up to me in recess and stated that from now on, i was his girlfriend.
i was miserable. he told me what equipment i could play on at recess time, etc.
this went on until 3rd grade. did i "break up" with him? no. did he break up with me? no.
he moved away. i was elated.
now, i haven't exactly connected it to anything particular as of yet, but i know there is a connection to that incident and how i handled about every relationship in my life.
may sound corny. but it hit me in the middle of the night last night. i had forgotten all about it until last night.
just one of those "aha" moments for me.....or maybe it's nothing, and i'm just overthinking things. but it feels like it's something. :wtf2
i was miserable. he told me what equipment i could play on at recess time, etc.
this went on until 3rd grade. did i "break up" with him? no. did he break up with me? no.
he moved away. i was elated.
now, i haven't exactly connected it to anything particular as of yet, but i know there is a connection to that incident and how i handled about every relationship in my life.
may sound corny. but it hit me in the middle of the night last night. i had forgotten all about it until last night.
just one of those "aha" moments for me.....or maybe it's nothing, and i'm just overthinking things. but it feels like it's something. :wtf2
after break up
Well I am doing ok only I got a message on facebook from my ex. we broke up 6 weeks ago. I had known her as a friend for years and then I travelled abroad to see her, I hadn't seen her for years. It became romantic leading up to that. Very intense. It was complicated. She had kids. I was drinking on the plane over and in the hotel. I especially over did it the night before I left to return home and I drank that morning too before she took me to the airport. The fact is that without drink I felt that this relationship was doomed. I just felt I had to show the love I had felt for years. She broke up with me by text not cos of drink but cos she changed her mind about her priorities. I was so upset I drank myself into hospital. Since that shock sober. I have had bad depression, suicidal and anxiety to boot.
Now I hear from her again. She maybe wants to tell me how bad she feels, I was a shoulder to cry on, you see. I had to listen to all her problems with her ex husband even when we were together. She is someone who is always sick and needs to have someone take care of her and loves to talk about herself all the time, how much she is suffering, how hard life is.
She accused me of giving her a STD which really offended me and eventhough I nearly died she never really showed me compassion.
So I told her in a text that she hurt me. Now I hear from her again after weeks. I am too fragile to communicate with her.
I wonder, I deleted the message without hesitation but I still in some way care about her of course, as a friend. I am afraid she will hurt me with words. I am afraid her coldness or talk about her own problems will upset my recovery.
I need to be strong and heal fully with my therapy and medication before trying to handle her, it is hard though... to ignore someone and run the risk of never being in contact with them again....
My therapist said I need to protect myself. I said " I will a little " and she said, "not a little, a lot!"
So I will delete anything she sends me, hope she is not in some danger (as my paranoid mind would tell me) and after a few months if we are still meant to be friends then ok.
What do you think ?
Thanks for reading :)
Now I hear from her again. She maybe wants to tell me how bad she feels, I was a shoulder to cry on, you see. I had to listen to all her problems with her ex husband even when we were together. She is someone who is always sick and needs to have someone take care of her and loves to talk about herself all the time, how much she is suffering, how hard life is.
She accused me of giving her a STD which really offended me and eventhough I nearly died she never really showed me compassion.
So I told her in a text that she hurt me. Now I hear from her again after weeks. I am too fragile to communicate with her.
I wonder, I deleted the message without hesitation but I still in some way care about her of course, as a friend. I am afraid she will hurt me with words. I am afraid her coldness or talk about her own problems will upset my recovery.
I need to be strong and heal fully with my therapy and medication before trying to handle her, it is hard though... to ignore someone and run the risk of never being in contact with them again....
My therapist said I need to protect myself. I said " I will a little " and she said, "not a little, a lot!"
So I will delete anything she sends me, hope she is not in some danger (as my paranoid mind would tell me) and after a few months if we are still meant to be friends then ok.
What do you think ?
Thanks for reading :)
A Higher Power
I don't know who/what my Higher Power is. I don't know if it's other people in recovery, a Christian God, Buddha ... I seem to be unable or unwilling to accept a Higher Power into my life. This is causing me considerable distress.
I am going through a tremendous difficulty in my personal life. Very briefly, I thought about taking some pills or drinking. Finally, though, I have reached that place in sobriety where I can see, quite clearly, how catastrophic things would be if I picked up. And yet, I am in such emotional pain right now that I am quite numb.
Tonight, I took a break from shovelling my driveway and propped myself up against a snowbank. It's very cold out, but I was quite warm from having exerted myself. I turned my face to the night sky, and thought about God, and wondered if he was out there somewhere.
I believe that it's unimportant WHAT one's Higher Power is, only that one has something greater than oneself to turn to. And this is where I seem to be stuck. Never mind not having an idea of what it is, but unable to accept myself for being at this junction.
I found myself very alone and depressed this weekend. I called my sponsor and she revealed that she had been in a similar place, but that she took time out to rest, and to have faith in her HP; to allow herself to be comforted. Where I had been isolating, numbing out, and hating myself, she was asking a HP to comfort her.
And so, at those times when I am unwilling to pick up the phone and ask for help, I wish that I had comfort from something that I believed in. But I don't believe in anything; at least, this seems to be the case. I need a Higher Power. Can I borrow yours?
I am going through a tremendous difficulty in my personal life. Very briefly, I thought about taking some pills or drinking. Finally, though, I have reached that place in sobriety where I can see, quite clearly, how catastrophic things would be if I picked up. And yet, I am in such emotional pain right now that I am quite numb.
Tonight, I took a break from shovelling my driveway and propped myself up against a snowbank. It's very cold out, but I was quite warm from having exerted myself. I turned my face to the night sky, and thought about God, and wondered if he was out there somewhere.
I believe that it's unimportant WHAT one's Higher Power is, only that one has something greater than oneself to turn to. And this is where I seem to be stuck. Never mind not having an idea of what it is, but unable to accept myself for being at this junction.
I found myself very alone and depressed this weekend. I called my sponsor and she revealed that she had been in a similar place, but that she took time out to rest, and to have faith in her HP; to allow herself to be comforted. Where I had been isolating, numbing out, and hating myself, she was asking a HP to comfort her.
And so, at those times when I am unwilling to pick up the phone and ask for help, I wish that I had comfort from something that I believed in. But I don't believe in anything; at least, this seems to be the case. I need a Higher Power. Can I borrow yours?
A sense of entitlement
What I'm dealing with:
My ex is still at my house, sleeping in his son's bedroom. He got out of jail nearly 2 weeks ago. He came over to see his son and he never left. He's not working or making any attempts to find a job. I was trying to be kind and let him stay through his next court date (Dec. 29th) but he?s making it really difficult. I thought he might be able to pitch in and help with a few around the house projects I have ? like caulking the bathrooms ? but he?s really not into it. Twice now, he?s gone out at night, and not come back til the next day.
He?s not using drugs (or so he says, and he doesn?t seem hungover when he gets back) but it?s very disturbing to my son who gets very upset every time his daddy leaves because he is worried that he will never come back. It also really annoys me because I am a fulltime parent and I have yet to catch a break or get an evening out even though his father has come to stay.
At first my son was very concerned everytime his father left the house. He would cry because he didn't think daddy was coming back. So I started telling him that Daddy comes and goes and Daddy is looking for his own house. And his daddy would love him no matter where he lived. And that we would go visit him when he did find his own house. That seems to have quieted his fears a little. And I also think that my son may be catching on to his fathers ways - realizing that his father is totally unreliable. Because , ysterday my son surprised me on the way home from work. He asked if his father would be at home. And then he said "I know momma, he comes and goes."
His father is pretty much a playmate to his son and that's all. I've been very sick so it was helpful to have someone there to entertain my child, but now having him in my house is really starting to annoy me. He lays on the couch and does nothing. He has no initiative. He has this attitude of entitlement and when I ask him what his plans are or I express my frustration to him, he just acts like I?m being a bitch and tells me he?ll find somewhere else to stay. But that?s about it. He hasn't actually made a permanent move to find somewhere else to stay. He just comes and goes when he wants and acts like I?m being a nasty beyatch when I ask him to help out or if he?s going to be around when I get home from work.
He has been hanging with his old "druggie" friends. He says they aren't using anymore. He told his mother that he had to re-acquaint himself with his old friends because I wouldn't let him stay us and he had to find somewhere to live. His mother called and asked me not to argue with him. She's afraid he will go out and use drugs and not come home for a visit after Christmas.
Anyway, sorry to post so long. I need to get this out so I can get a grip and make a move. It's easier to set boundaries and make an action plan when I see how ridiculous the situation looks on paper.
ERGH!
My ex is still at my house, sleeping in his son's bedroom. He got out of jail nearly 2 weeks ago. He came over to see his son and he never left. He's not working or making any attempts to find a job. I was trying to be kind and let him stay through his next court date (Dec. 29th) but he?s making it really difficult. I thought he might be able to pitch in and help with a few around the house projects I have ? like caulking the bathrooms ? but he?s really not into it. Twice now, he?s gone out at night, and not come back til the next day.
He?s not using drugs (or so he says, and he doesn?t seem hungover when he gets back) but it?s very disturbing to my son who gets very upset every time his daddy leaves because he is worried that he will never come back. It also really annoys me because I am a fulltime parent and I have yet to catch a break or get an evening out even though his father has come to stay.
At first my son was very concerned everytime his father left the house. He would cry because he didn't think daddy was coming back. So I started telling him that Daddy comes and goes and Daddy is looking for his own house. And his daddy would love him no matter where he lived. And that we would go visit him when he did find his own house. That seems to have quieted his fears a little. And I also think that my son may be catching on to his fathers ways - realizing that his father is totally unreliable. Because , ysterday my son surprised me on the way home from work. He asked if his father would be at home. And then he said "I know momma, he comes and goes."
His father is pretty much a playmate to his son and that's all. I've been very sick so it was helpful to have someone there to entertain my child, but now having him in my house is really starting to annoy me. He lays on the couch and does nothing. He has no initiative. He has this attitude of entitlement and when I ask him what his plans are or I express my frustration to him, he just acts like I?m being a bitch and tells me he?ll find somewhere else to stay. But that?s about it. He hasn't actually made a permanent move to find somewhere else to stay. He just comes and goes when he wants and acts like I?m being a nasty beyatch when I ask him to help out or if he?s going to be around when I get home from work.
He has been hanging with his old "druggie" friends. He says they aren't using anymore. He told his mother that he had to re-acquaint himself with his old friends because I wouldn't let him stay us and he had to find somewhere to live. His mother called and asked me not to argue with him. She's afraid he will go out and use drugs and not come home for a visit after Christmas.
Anyway, sorry to post so long. I need to get this out so I can get a grip and make a move. It's easier to set boundaries and make an action plan when I see how ridiculous the situation looks on paper.
ERGH!
I feel like I’m mourning a lover
I am on day 7 and now the emotions are going wild. I've cried more than I've cried in a year. I am listening to the jeff buckley song "lover you should've come over" over and over and the lyrics:
my body turns and yearns for a sleep that won't ever come
it's never over, my kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder
it's never over, all my riches for her smile when i slept so soft against her
it's never over, all my blood for the sweetness of her laughter
it's never over, she's the tear that hangs inside my soul forever
well maybe i'm just too young
to keep good love from going wrong
oh lover you should've come over
well i feel too young to hold on
and i'm much too old to break free and run
too deaf, dumb, and blind to see the damage i've done
sweet lover, you should've come over
That honestly is how I feel about an inanimate object...I miss it so much despite the hell I'm going through right now, just like any break up with someone you were in love with. I've only been in love once but heroin's a close second... so sad so sad. I miss it so much I can't live with it and I don't know if I can live without it. I know I'm not thinking straight right now because my brain chemistry is so effed up, but I just don't know if I can do this. Life is so beautiful I just don't see it anymore. I feel like heroin has stolen my passion for everything I used to love, like music, singing, guitar, nature, PEOPLE. I don't know real love anymore.
my body turns and yearns for a sleep that won't ever come
it's never over, my kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder
it's never over, all my riches for her smile when i slept so soft against her
it's never over, all my blood for the sweetness of her laughter
it's never over, she's the tear that hangs inside my soul forever
well maybe i'm just too young
to keep good love from going wrong
oh lover you should've come over
well i feel too young to hold on
and i'm much too old to break free and run
too deaf, dumb, and blind to see the damage i've done
sweet lover, you should've come over
That honestly is how I feel about an inanimate object...I miss it so much despite the hell I'm going through right now, just like any break up with someone you were in love with. I've only been in love once but heroin's a close second... so sad so sad. I miss it so much I can't live with it and I don't know if I can live without it. I know I'm not thinking straight right now because my brain chemistry is so effed up, but I just don't know if I can do this. Life is so beautiful I just don't see it anymore. I feel like heroin has stolen my passion for everything I used to love, like music, singing, guitar, nature, PEOPLE. I don't know real love anymore.
Why!!!!! My Pass Hunts Me Why!!!!
Hi:& God Bless, well tonight I when to my small town Local church
were I'm a Member From as I usually Do every Friday Nights
I remember on Tuesday, on Bible class,My Pastor said that we
had a Special Service on Friday, OK!! I Didn't think nothing of it
just some usual's folks, or ministers, visiting from out of town to preach
But before he finish he had mention the Guests of that night
and I stood speechless, and Panic,when he said the name of the Band
Singing group,I couldn't believe it Naaa!! I said, it cant be
so to clear my suspicious I when to my Pastor and ask
I told him the name of that Group Band Ministry, and he said Yeah!!!
Earth Swallow me!! I said, How could this Be Why!!!! would my Past repeat it self in the Present Why!!!!!! and Why!!!!! was God allowing this is Humiliating
well to make it short it happen that when I enter Recovery for the second time around back in 2001, the judge had sent me to a out-patient program
and in that program there were some Guys from a Reveletation christian
Ministry Program, and it happen that I star it Dating one of them back
in the Days, and he Came back to me, with one of his Best friend to tell me
that a minister had pray for him, and told him that God said I was the one for
Him Woww!!!!!! is 2008 and I'm marry to another person, and him to someone else,and the Break up between me, and that person, was a very
Hurtful break up were not only he hurt it me, but the Leaders of that Christian Reveletating Ministry Program, it was a traumatizing experience in 2001
so My pass Hunted me once more But Why!!!!!!!! Why!!!! Did I had to see^^
him, and the hall ministry again, it was so uncomfortable
Why!!!!! would God Allow this to happen to me again Sorry I know is Long
my Thread But I need some closure on this I mean Had close cant you get
I tough I had put closure on my pass and I move on even move to
a different side of the Town I mean were is suburbs,I tough no one would ever find me here :c029: I Got marry, and Move on, But the Question
How could this Be and whats the meaning of all this Please if any one
could shed some Light I will be truthfully Grateful Thanxxxx!!!& God Bless:sad:
were I'm a Member From as I usually Do every Friday Nights
I remember on Tuesday, on Bible class,My Pastor said that we
had a Special Service on Friday, OK!! I Didn't think nothing of it
just some usual's folks, or ministers, visiting from out of town to preach
But before he finish he had mention the Guests of that night
and I stood speechless, and Panic,when he said the name of the Band
Singing group,I couldn't believe it Naaa!! I said, it cant be
so to clear my suspicious I when to my Pastor and ask
I told him the name of that Group Band Ministry, and he said Yeah!!!
Earth Swallow me!! I said, How could this Be Why!!!! would my Past repeat it self in the Present Why!!!!!! and Why!!!!! was God allowing this is Humiliating
well to make it short it happen that when I enter Recovery for the second time around back in 2001, the judge had sent me to a out-patient program
and in that program there were some Guys from a Reveletation christian
Ministry Program, and it happen that I star it Dating one of them back
in the Days, and he Came back to me, with one of his Best friend to tell me
that a minister had pray for him, and told him that God said I was the one for
Him Woww!!!!!! is 2008 and I'm marry to another person, and him to someone else,and the Break up between me, and that person, was a very
Hurtful break up were not only he hurt it me, but the Leaders of that Christian Reveletating Ministry Program, it was a traumatizing experience in 2001
so My pass Hunted me once more But Why!!!!!!!! Why!!!! Did I had to see^^
him, and the hall ministry again, it was so uncomfortable
Why!!!!! would God Allow this to happen to me again Sorry I know is Long
my Thread But I need some closure on this I mean Had close cant you get
I tough I had put closure on my pass and I move on even move to
a different side of the Town I mean were is suburbs,I tough no one would ever find me here :c029: I Got marry, and Move on, But the Question
How could this Be and whats the meaning of all this Please if any one
could shed some Light I will be truthfully Grateful Thanxxxx!!!& God Bless:sad:
A thread in conjuction to the why am I not dead thread
For all the time and money I put into friggin booze I sure don't know much about it.
So here it goes I've been drinkin for some 10 years and I'm 31 ( Drinkin means drinkin til I'm done, somewhere in between I can't function or I made an ass of myself).
I started off on Hard and beer but always more beer then hard and the last 5 years I have only been a beer guy with a mixed drink every now and then.
I would say the majority of my drinkin life has been 5 to 8 beers a night but now I am up to 10 to 12 a night and I take a break (Don't drink that night) when I feel like crap. SO it's safe to say I drink 6 out of the 7 days in a week.
Now I didn't drink yesterday with intentions of not drinking tonight and that didn't work out. What I would like to know is that I went to the doctors a year ago for a physical. Everything came out fine and I know my blood came back fine when I went in the ER for one of those stupid anxiety attacks about a month ago.
With this talk of units or what not how many units do I normally drink a day given my intake above and should I be medically supervised when I finally beat this most evil thing on earth? Thanks for any help
So here it goes I've been drinkin for some 10 years and I'm 31 ( Drinkin means drinkin til I'm done, somewhere in between I can't function or I made an ass of myself).
I started off on Hard and beer but always more beer then hard and the last 5 years I have only been a beer guy with a mixed drink every now and then.
I would say the majority of my drinkin life has been 5 to 8 beers a night but now I am up to 10 to 12 a night and I take a break (Don't drink that night) when I feel like crap. SO it's safe to say I drink 6 out of the 7 days in a week.
Now I didn't drink yesterday with intentions of not drinking tonight and that didn't work out. What I would like to know is that I went to the doctors a year ago for a physical. Everything came out fine and I know my blood came back fine when I went in the ER for one of those stupid anxiety attacks about a month ago.
With this talk of units or what not how many units do I normally drink a day given my intake above and should I be medically supervised when I finally beat this most evil thing on earth? Thanks for any help
SOS - Suggested Guidelines For Sobriety
Suggested Guidelines for Sobriety
To break the cycle of denial and achieve sobriety, we first acknowledge that we are alcoholics or addicts.
We reaffirm this truth daily and accept without reservation the fact that, as clean and sober individuals, we cannot and do not drink or use, no matter what.
Since drinking or using is not an option for us, we take whatever steps are necessary to continue our Sobriety Priority lifelong.
A quality of life -"the good life"- can be achieved. However, life is also filled with uncertainties. Therefore, we do not drink or use regardless of feelings, circumstances, or conflicts.
We share in confidence with each other our thoughts and feelings as sober, clean individuals.
Sobriety is our Priority, and we are each responsible for our lives and our sobriety.
From the SOS web page:
30days
To break the cycle of denial and achieve sobriety, we first acknowledge that we are alcoholics or addicts.
We reaffirm this truth daily and accept without reservation the fact that, as clean and sober individuals, we cannot and do not drink or use, no matter what.
Since drinking or using is not an option for us, we take whatever steps are necessary to continue our Sobriety Priority lifelong.
A quality of life -"the good life"- can be achieved. However, life is also filled with uncertainties. Therefore, we do not drink or use regardless of feelings, circumstances, or conflicts.
We share in confidence with each other our thoughts and feelings as sober, clean individuals.
Sobriety is our Priority, and we are each responsible for our lives and our sobriety.
From the SOS web page:
30days
