Drug Rehab Options Blog

In tears and after a couple of beers, he told me over the phone last night, that he has a problem. He said it's so clear when he's been drinking, but when he's sober he just wants to put the blame on everyone else. He's embarrassed and in disbelief he's even spoken those words. It's hard for him to understand (and me too) and he's confused. I said something about AA, but immediately he's worried about people finding out. He feels like a loser, a failure, ect. He said he misses me and needs my support. (He really wants me to come back home. He thinks that it would be extra motivation for him. I don't think it's a wise idea.) My question is, what do I do next? How do I support him? I don't want to push AA down his throat. I suggested I come over and we do dinner some evenings....just to take his mind off of doing other things and for us to spend time together. I just don't want to ruin this breakthrough.

i relapsed since my last happy post. Im not sure what happened but i suspect it had to do with my codependency.

my bandmate told me a guy i used to date is now dating a girl i have little regards for (to put it nicely!). i told my friend that i was offended that the guy would date her verse me. he said i needed to check my ego. even though thats true- i have been self depricating and seriously struggling with low self esteem and found that hard to believe. i asked if he could site another example, after he told me i have a big ego. he gave a good one enough. i started crying over the truth of how i do i guess, have a big ego. he explained how people can have low self esteem and have a big ego (like when you walk into a room and you think people laughing are thinking of you). it was awful. i felt like i already have a list of things i hate about myself (which is extensive) and heres ANOTHER one that i didnt even think of?
it was overwhelming. i dont need one more thing to add to this list of regrets coulda woulda shouldas and things i have to "work on".

i miss my ex boyfriend. he seems to have problem with us talking. i am curious as to whether he wants to get back together, but i try to remember that there is a likely possibility that he doesnt- he isnt exactly begging me back (although this is also because i told him NC NC NC). him not wanting to would hurt more. i know i need to wait until im not extremely depressed to decide, but its hard when ive never been so miserable as when were not together. ive never been happier than when we were together.

the idea that he just wants to be "friends" though- genuinely, really hurts. it makes me think of how i wasnt a good girlfriend. i actually did little to enable my AXBF but i did nag him, guilt him, try to control and manipulate him. so i know why he doesnt want to be together. i would change or try and tell him but i know i SHOULDNT want to get back together.

i am curious, seem to have forgotten why were apart... and wondering though, if it is EVER better to stay - if the pain and the pros outweigh the cons than leaving.

Well, I have been attending Al Anon, reading the literature, and beginning to move towards a more integral recovery.

I just wanted to share a quick experience of getting out the way...

As a rescuer/enabler, I have always been there to save my AH from unpleasantness...even now after he has moved out, I have listened to his problems, and still offering my all powerful (yeah right) advice and sympathy. Of course, this does nothing but drain me physically and emotionally. I was literally quacking up. :lmao

Now with some program tools under my belt...last night and today an incident happened that made me think more about this program and its benefits.

I went to school all day yesterday and didn't get home until 11:30pm. On the answering machine, the AH called...obviously toasted...and sounding really desperate: "I NEED someone to talk to! Please help me! Call me right away...I wish you were there!" Under normal circumstances, I would have immediately called, panicing...powercalling until I got him. But I did the first thing I learned in Al Anon: STOP....THINK...so I did. I sat down and thought about what to do. I said the SERENITY PRAYER. After I read some program material, reflected, prayed, and released him to God. If I called back at that hour, he would be passed out or it would have ended up an emotional exhaustion for me. I could only do the most sane, productive thing to do: STOP, THINK, LET GOD AND LET GOD...rinse, repeat.

This morning about 11am. He called me at work. My AH hit his bottom last night. Sold the last piece of jewerly that he has for some food. It hit him hard. Said he seriously thought about taking his own life, and no one was there to talk to him. He was utterly alone, penniless, and empty. I never asked if he drank or offer to get the necklace out of hock. I just LISTENED, another Al Anon tool.

He said he wanted to call me to tell me that he just left his first AA meeting. He got his chip. Since he had never been to an AA meeting before, I knew he wasn't quacking because he told me thing about the meetings that only one would know if you go (like format and such). I told him I was really glad to hear it. He deserved soberity. He said he knew that we weren't getting back together, but he is at the bottom and it was time to go up. He wanted to share the experience with me.

This doesn't change anything between us. The damage is done, but I am peaceful knowing that absolutely nothing I did made him hit bottom or rescued him. What he chooses to do with it is his decision. Will he continue on with it? I don't know. Will he go back and drink himself to death? I don't know. Will AA help? Only God and he know this. What I can say, is I GOT OUT OF THE WAY...I didn't do this in a way to manipulate, control, coerce, but got out of the way for my very life and for his too.

After we hung up, I again released him to God. My husband's name is Donald, have I ever told you that? Donald is an alcoholic, and for such a long time I never saw him as the person he was, but as a disease, an addict, a helpless child, an AH. Today, thanks to Al-Anon, I saw Donald today as he is...a man who is making is own decision, a capable man, a person who I can separate from the disease that has inflicted him and our family. And my sincerest hope is that his decision takes him towards his recovery....because truly, recovery is such a gift.

Silverberry.

Somebody wrote the above on another thread. Then, also keep in mind DesertEyeÂ’s recent post on keeping fantasies. We all know there are true stories and instances where someone didnÂ’t give up on someone else, they were persistent, and finally one day their persistence paid off an their loved one was changed/healed/transformed. How do you temper having hope and not giving up? Is it contrary to acceptance, realistic expectations and letting go of a fantasy? I feel like the above poster at times - I think what if something I do or say is finally the thing that brings a breakthrough. I mean, I know there have been people in my life, who gave me one piece of advice or their action caused me to stop and think and really impacted me for the better. Other times I think, this is reality, I accept that thing may or may not get better, but I have my own life and I have to move on. It helps to feel that way sometimes. Other times I just feel sad. Sad that this is what it is with the A Loved One in my life. Is it a fantasy to hope that one day my Abrother will be better, and have a happy life and we will have a close family? Is it fantasy to want to reach out to him and say, hey buddy, please know that I am pulling for you and it breaks my heart to see you live a life that is so far below what you are capable of and deserve?